


More than Words

by Lakritzwolf



Series: Unintended Consequences [4]
Category: The Almighty Johnsons
Genre: F/M, Gay Sex, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-canonical children, Post-Season 3 AU, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-07-16 06:13:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 50
Words: 184,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7255744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lakritzwolf/pseuds/Lakritzwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p></p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>    <img/><br/></p>
</div><hr/><p>So apparently I have to start another installment of my Unintended Consequences Series. The journey continues as we follow Russell, son of Anders Johnson and Bragi, God of Poetry, on his journey into adulthood. Coming of age, dealing with life, relationships, crises, heartbreaks and family issues. </p><p>And music.</p><p>Welcome to another ride.</p><p>The story title, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrIiLvg58SY">More than Words,</a> by Extreme.<br/>Artwork by <a href="http://miusart.tumblr.com/">miusart</a> on tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DrakkHammer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrakkHammer/gifts), [ceallaig](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceallaig/gifts), [islandkate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/islandkate/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find more facial references for new characters [here](http://lakritzwolf.tumblr.com/MtW_Cast).
> 
> * * *

More than words is all you have to do to make it real  
Then you wouldn't have to say That you love me  
Cause I'd already know


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We start where we left them. Anders and Seona are on their honeymoon in Edinburgh. Where else?

As they left the airport to find themselves a taxi, Anders had a look around with a crooked and somewhat wistful smile.

“Didn’t think I’d ever come back here,” he said thoughtfully. “At least not so soon.”  
“Oh well.” Seona’s smile was warm and bright. “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”  
Anders lifted one eyebrow. “Who said that?”  
She shrugged. “I think it was John Lennon, wasn’t it?”  
“Could be.”

Someone bumped shoulders with Anders without giving him a single look. Anders flipped him off and rolled his shoulders.

“Do you think your flat still exists?” He then asked absentmindedly on their way to the taxi stand.  
“Oh, I don’t think it has been demolished, and it probably hasn’t been stolen by the faeries either, so I guess it still does.”

Anders blinked and then slowly turned his head to look at her. Seona smiled brightly back.

“Can I blame that mental fart on the jetlag?”  
“Oh sure you can.” She winked.   
“Thanks. I fucking hate it when that happens.”

They found a taxi, stored their luggage in the boot and after telling the driver the name of their hotel, sat down in the backseat and proceeded to hold hands like teenagers. Occasionally, they looked at their entwined hands with a smile, but they didn’t let go.

Their hotel was high class as Anders wouldn’t hear of anything else for his honeymoon, since he fully intended to have only one of those in his life. He had also, completely unashamed, booked the Honeymoon Suite which had a nice view over the old city centre, sported a luxurious bathroom with a large spa bath, a king size bed and a very well equipped bar. It was also classy and tastefully furnished with only very few romantic touches, like a bouquet of dark red roses on the sideboard and some dark red chiffon draped over the bedposts at the head end of the bed to create a bit of a canopy.

“Very nice,” Seona said after looking around. “I can see me enjoying the next three weeks.”  
“Glad you think so.” Anders stepped behind her and closed his arms around her hips. “I would hate having ruined our honeymoon with a bad choice in accommodation.”  
“I can’t imagine you making a bad choice with something like that.”  
Anders brushed some of her hair to the side and breathed a kiss on the side of her neck. “Glad you think so.”

Seona closed her eyes and leaned against him. Anders nipped the skin in the crook of her neck, and she turned around to sling her arms around him for a passionate kiss. But since they both felt their clothes cling to them in a very unpleasant way after the long haul flight they didn’t go any further, and Anders called room service to order a bottle of champagne.

Equipped with that, they settled down for a long, satisfying bubble bath together.

As he was looking at her, sitting opposite him in a large tub full of warm water with mountains of pleasantly scented bubbles and sipping champagne, he wondered how he could ever have lived without her; with her beauty and the sparkle in her eyes and her mischievous sense of humour she had lit something up in his life that he had never known was there at all.

“Earth to Anders?”  
“Hm?”  
“Where have you been just now?”  
Anders had to chuckle. “I was thinking that I already can’t imagine a life without you.”  
“Aw…” She rubbed one of her legs against his. “Really?”  
“Yes,” he replied after a sip of champagne. “And I kinda wish I’d met you twenty years ago.”

Seona snorted softly and shook her head. “From what you told me, I would’ve kicked your bollocks out of your mouth as soon as you had started talking to me.”  
Now Anders had to laugh. “Probably. And you would probably have been immune to the voice too.”  
Seona joined his laughter.

_It was the day after they had set the date when Anders found himself no longer able to keep his silence._

_“Seona… babe, I gotta tell you something.”_   
_At the tone of his voice Seona’s smile died. “Anders?”_

_Anders ran both hands through his hair and fell down onto the bed. Staring straight ahead, he took a few very deep breaths. Seona sat down beside him._

_“I gotta tell you something about me, about my past… and it’s not easy for me.”_   
_“I can see that,” she replied and took one of his hands._   
_“And you probably won’t believe me.”_   
_“Let me be the judge of that.”_   
_“It’s crazy. You think I’m crazy.”_   
_“Well… you’re definitely a little bit crazy, what with the stunt you pulled of coming after a woman you hardly know across the world.”_   
_At that, Anders had to grin. “As far as I remember I’m not the only one who did that.”_   
_“Fuck no,” she laughed. “But then, I’ve always been a bit crazy.”_   
_“But I guess that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re superstitious,” Anders replied, staring at his feet again._   
_“Laddie, I’m a Scot. We’re superstitious by nature.”_

_Anders finally dared to meet her eyes._

_“It’s a long story,” he eventually said._   
_“I don’t have to be anywhere anytime soon.”_   
_“And I’m telling you now because I can’t keep a thing like that a secret from you, and you know… you’ve got plenty of time to back out of this if you want.”_   
_Seona tilted her head with raised eyebrows. “You really think I’m gonna do that?”_   
_“I am afraid of it.”_   
_“Jesus fucking Christ. You’d think you are one of the horsemen of the apocalypse by the way you look at me right now.”_   
_“No, I’m a god of Ragnarok,” Anders gave back. “Or I was, until sixteen years ago.”_

_Seona calmly met his eyes. Anders took another very deep breath._

“But would you have done it?” Seona asked after a moment.   
“Done what?”  
“Use the voice on me.”  
Anders huffed out a heavy breath. “I guess that would have depended if I had fallen as hard and fast as I did last year.”  
“So?”  
“If so, then I wouldn’t have. Or at least, I’d like to think so. I was a prick, but… I mean, falling in love was something that happened to other people, but I would like to think that if it had happened to me I wouldn’t have used to voice to get me what I wanted.”

Their eyes met.

“You know what?” Seona leaned back.  
“What?”  
“Sweet fuck all to that. Because here we are.”  
Anders lifted his glass. “I drink to that.”  
“Fuck yes.”

They emptied their glasses and put them down on the ground next to the tub. Then Seona lifted one leg over Anders’s knee and slowly, slid her foot down the inside of his thigh. Anders met her eyes as she did so, and then her eyelids lowered when she had reached her goal. Anders closed his eyes with a hum.

“Too jetlagged?” Seona asked with an impish smile as her foot gently massaged Anders’s crotch.  
“I thought I was. Until a minute ago.”  
“Hmm.”   
Anders ran a hand up and down Seona’s calf.   
“Bed or Tub?” Seona asked.  
He opened his eyes with a crooked smile. “Have you ever had sex in a bathtub?”  
“No.”  
“Bed.”  
Seona pouted.   
“Trust me,” Anders said very firmly.

They exchanged a few soft kisses after leaving the tub, but as soon as they had reached the bed their kisses heated up and turned more hungry and passionate. Seona ended up on top of him and quickly straddled Anders’s hips before closing her hand around his dick. 

“I am so going to ride you like the stallion that you are,” she whispered huskily.  
“I am not going to prance, neigh or count,” Anders gave back, his breathing picking up speed.

Seona chuckled softly and leaned back without letting go of his dick. Anders couldn’t suppress a soft moan.

God, that woman was hot. Piping hot. While most other women had laid had leaned forward on all fours to take his dick in that position, Seona arched her back and leaned backwards so he could watch his dick slide into her. It was one of the hottest things he had ever had the pleasure to watch. 

Afterwards she hardly gave him time to retaliate before she reached for his dick again while snuggling against his side.

“Already?” Anders asked with a chuckle.  
“Just living up to my name,” Seona replied with a small grin.  
“Only it’s not your name anymore,” he gave back.  
“Well yes… but it was my maiden’s name.”  
“Kind of ironic, isn’t it?”

They looked at each other and burst out laughing.

* * *

This time, Anders had not only the time but also the attention they needed to properly discover Edinburgh. And while he was not into history per se, he couldn’t deny that there was a lot to see and to discover. And in addition to that, he had the most gorgeous, wonderful woman at his side while doing so and he could have spent the three weeks walking around Wellington harbour for all he cared as long as she was walking next to him. 

And of course they couldn’t possible stay in Edinburgh for three weeks without a trip to Stirling to visit Seona’s mother. 

“Looking forward to seeing her again?” Anders asked on their way there in the rented car.  
“Oh aye, but I’m sure she’s being terrible about this.”  
Anders had to smile, listening to her words; during the last week her accent had thickened again and she sounded exactly like she had on the day they had met.   
“Think she’ll approve of me?”  
“I told ye she would.”  
“And if she doesn’t?” Anders cast a quick look at her before focussing back on the road.   
Seona rolled her eyes. “Then I guess we have to file a divorce.”

Anders cleared his throat. “I’m being ridiculous, ain’t I?”  
“You’re being a total fud, Anders.”  
“Sorry… it’s the first time I meet an in-law.”  
Seona took his hand and ran her thumb across the back of it. “You’ll be fine. She won’t eat you, but I warn you again: I have my sense of humour from her but only a portion of it. She has a tendency to scandalize people, the more so the older she gets, and she enjoys every second of it, the old hag.”  
Anders kept his eyes on the road with a smirk.

Seona’s mother lived in a small house with a small front garden past the outskirts of town. Anders straightened his jacket and adjusted his tie after leaving the car and Seona smiled at him as she opened the gate in the white picket fence.

The first one to notice and greet them was an absolutely mental King Charles spaniel, and that alerted the inhabitant of the small house. The door opened and an elderly lady with a walking cane yelled at the mutt to shut the bloody fuck up already.

“Mam!”   
“Lassie!” Her and her face lit up and she headed for the gate. “Bless ye ma dearie!”  
“Mam!” Seona hurried to meet her, the dog wagging its tail like mad and winding through her legs like a rabid cat. 

The two women embraced firmly, and when they parted they both had wet eyes. 

Then Seona’s mother took a step around her and mustered Anders with a long, considering look. Anders put on his best Sunday smile.

“Is that yer lad, then?”  
“Aye, he is.”  
“Huh.” The old lady smiled, and Anders recognised that smile. “Ye’re right, lassie, he’s a looker. I wouldna push him out of my bed if I’d find him there.”  
“Mam, don’t scare him!”  
“Lassie, if he’d be scared that easy neither of ye would be here right now!”

While they glared at each other Anders took a step forward and extended his hand. “Anders Johnson, pleased to make your acquaintance, Mrs Cockburn.”  
“Finely spoken too. Where have ye been forty years ago, laddie?” She took his hand in a grip that belied her age.   
“That would’ve been a small town near Auckland, but the question is if you’d have had any fun with me wiping my nose and putting band aids on my knees.”

Seona’s mother threw her head back and laughed. “Christ, laddie, I can see ye’re more than a match for me lass.”  
Seona facepalmed.  
“Come on in, then. Not you, ye crazy wee bugger!” 

The last words were addressed to the dog that whined and then gave her a canine equivalent of a pout before retreating around the house into what had to be the backyard.

“There you go, Anders,” Seona’s mother began as she poured a complimentary dram. “I hate the name Cockburn as much as my lassie, but ye know… love…” She winked. “When I met my Will I knew it was him or none. So we drop the Mrs and ye call me Mary.”  
Anders accepted hit tumbler with a nod. “Thank you. I assume you had no intention of calling me Mr Johnson.”  
She chuckled. “Damn right I didn’t. Just never thought my lassie would give up her name like that… not that I actually expected she’d ever tie the knot, ye know. I’d given up hope.”  
“Mam…”  
Anders managed to bite back his grin. “We spent some time thinking on it, but neither Johnson-Cockburn nor Cockburn-Johnson seemed very appealing so we…”  
“Settled for Johnson because the world doesn’t need more burning cocks,” Mary Cockburn cut in and her chuckle sounded more like a cackle.   
“Mam, for fuck’s sake!” Seona put her tumbler down and shook her head. 

She gave Anders a helpless little grin. Anders was biting back a laugh.

“I swear she hasn’t aged a day since hitting puberty,” Seona said with an exasperated scowl. “Bloody old hag.”  
“Will ye look at yerself, Lassie? With that mess of ginger hair all ye need is a cat on yer shoulder to complete the picture.”  
“Mam.”  
The old lady chuckled again but refrained from further comment and got up.

Anders watched her leave the room and head for what he assumed was the kitchen. “I see what you mean.”  
“I have no idea how Da got past the first two weeks.”

They looked at the framed picture on the wall, a photography of a woman who looked very much like Seona, but with brown hair and no curls, and a man, tall and broad-shouldered and in a military uniform. The picture left no doubt that the eyes and the hair had come from her father.

After taking a sip of his whiskey Anders looked at her, meeting her beautiful green eyes. “Maybe she put him under the same spell that you put on me.”  
Her smile softened and she draped an arm around his shoulders. “Maybe he was as lovesick an idiot as you.”  
“Are you complaining?” He leaned forward.  
“Do look like I am?” Her breath ghosted over his lips. 

“You’d be a fud if ye were, lassie!” 

They all but jumped away from each other.

“There’s lunch,” Seona’s mother announced with a bright smile. “When ye’re ready of course.”

On their way to the dining table Anders began to ask himself if this was how Russell felts sometimes. But then, he wasn’t really _that_ bad.

Was he?

Maybe he should take Russ and Danny out to the movies and a dinner once he was back in Auckland. Maybe even a few times.

“So there,” Mary said after they had settled down. “Don’t be afraid, lad, I’m somewhat of a better cook than my Seona.”  
Anders was very much tempted to reply with _you could hardly be any worse_ and it would have been nothing but the truth, but he managed to hold his tongue. A glance at Seona told him however that she had read the thought on his mind but that she also appreciated that he hadn’t given in to the urge to quip and thus provide her mother with more grist for her mill. That rarely happened to him and Anders was contemplating the matter of a spell again.

As it turned out, Seona’s mother was a bloody amazing cook, and even if she had prepared Haggis, it was only the starter and a small-sized portion at that, so Anders managed. It wasn’t so much the taste that bothered him but the texture, but he managed. 

And even being Anders fucking Johnson, listening to the two women talk to each other occasionally made his ears ring. Under different circumstances, Anders would have had the time of his life having conversations with Mary Cockburn. As it was, he kept looking as his newlywed wife, and how she gave her mother one death glare after the other on the instances that her mother managed to out-quip her – which happened quite often, to be honest – and made a point of not rubbing things in. 

Well and truly bewitched. He took a sip of whiskey and smiled into his glass. 

“Laddie, what has she done to ye last night that has you away with the fairies so much?”  
Anders looked up at winked. “A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.”  
Mary laughed so hard she was almost in tears.

The rest of the lunch and tea as well was passed by all too fast – and without any bloodshed – and as they made their farewell that evening, Seona’s mother gave her daughter a long, firm hug.

“Hold on to that one, lassie,” she said with a soft look in her eyes. “I haven’t seen ye smile like that in years.”  
“Oh I do, don’t worry,” Seona replied and looked at her wedding ring.  
“Aye, he’s a keeper. Take good care of him.”  
“I will, Mam.”

They embraced again and after that, Mary Cockburn stood at the gate as she watched them pull out of the driveway and waved until the car had vanished out of sight. 

“Your mother is one of a kind,” Anders remarked on their way back to Edinburgh.  
“Oh aye, the world couldn’t handle two of that sort.”  
Anders kept his eyes on the road with a smirk. “I do have the impression though that this is already the case. Sort of.”  
Seona huffed.   
“Well… I do owe her your existence so I kinda can’t be too angry with her, you know?”

“Oh Anders…” She took his hand and lifted to her lips. “Every time I’m about to get pissed off you go and say something like that.”  
“It’s a knack,” Anders gave back, smirk firmly in place.  
“It’s my fucking undoing.”  
“Good to know.”  
“Fuck you.”  
“I’d rather fuck you, babe.”  
“Nice try, Mr God of Poetry.”  
“Babe…” Anders cast a quick look at her. “Did I just ruin my chances of a blow job tonight?”  
“Hmmm.” Seona lowered her eyelids. “Maybe you can make it worth my while.” And since she was still holding on to his hand she lifted it again and flicked his thumb with her tongue. 

“Bloody Hell, Seona, don’t do that when I’m driving!”  
“Sorry.”  
“That didn’t sound very sincere.”  
“What didn’t? The apology or the preceding offer?”  
“The apology. I hope you meant the former.”  
“I meant it.”  
“Worth your while?”

Anders had to stop at a red light and was able to look at her. He lowered his eyelids and slowly and suggestively licked his lips.

“Oh…” Seona lifted her eyebrows. “I can work with that.”  
“Glad you think so.”  
“Are we there yet?”  
“Five more minutes, babe.”

After a moment, they both had to laugh.

* * *

After having spent considerable amounts of money in gift shops during the last days of their stay, Anders and Seona were getting ready to leave Edinburgh to spend the last week of their honeymoon in London, just for sentimental reasons. 

Anders would never have thought about the gift he had bought for Russell, not on his own, but when, on their last day, they passed a large shop that was called Hector Russell – which turned out to be a high class outfitter and kilt maker – Anders couldn’t resist and had to have at least a look.

“Russell would look smashing in one of these,” Seona remarked. “So would you, for that matter.”  
“Forget it. I’m not wearing one of those.”  
“I thought as much.”

Anders looked up from the rack of kilts in innumerable tartans he was looking at and didn’t fail to notice the slight trace of disappointment in her voice. 

“Really, babe... don’t make me do this.”  
“I wouldn’t make you do anything,” Seona replied with a frown. “You know that.”  
“I do.” Anders stepped closer and draped an arm around her hips. “But your sad little pout is my weakest spot.”  
“I do not pout!”  
“Yes you do.”  
“Do not.”  
“Do too.”  
“Shut up.”

Seona’s eyes narrowed, but softened considerably after Anders kissed her.

“I still say Russell would look smashing in one of those.”  
“He’s my son. He’d look smashing in anything.”  
“So you’re admitting you’d look good in a kilt?”

Anders looked at her with parted lips. Seona smiled brightly back. 

“Whatever.” Anders cleared his throat. “We can’t really buy one anyway since he can’t try it on.”  
“But you two are the same size, aren’t you?”  
“Christ...” Anders crossed his arms. “You’re grabbing any chance to see me in one of those things, right?”  
Seona gave him her trademark impish smile.

Admittedly, the thought of Russell in a kilt had a certain appeal. To the extent that Anders had to admit it might be worth a try. A sales assistant had apparently picked up on his change of mood and came over.

“Can I help you, sir?” She asked friendly.   
“I think so,” Anders said and glared at Seona over the sales assistant’s shoulder. “But I’m only the mannequin. It’s a gift for my son, we’re the same size.”  
“They also the same colour and everything,” Seona supplied helpfully. “So if it fits him, it’ll fit his son.”

Seona leaned against a wall with her arms crossed. Anders shook his head and resigned to his fate. 

The sales assistant proceeded to explain how a kilt was fitted and that it was worn waist high and had to end just cutting the knee in half. She prodded and tugged a bit here and there before nodding to herself. 

“Will ye have a look at this, ma’am?”

Anders nervously crossed his arms.

Seona’s eyes came to rest on him and immediately made him reconsider.

“That’s the right fit, aye.” Seona walked over and looked him up and down. “I don’t think this is the right tartan, though.”  
“Neither do I.” Both the sales assistant and Seona gave Anders a critical look. 

After several tries they settled for a grey one without a tartan and a sporran in plain black. And a kilt pin of what Anders was informed was Clan Rose, but that he had chosen just because the crest was a harp. And for good measure because the thing in itself was fucking expensive already, Anders also bought a proper kilt carrier to make sure it arrived in mint condition.

“I am so looking forward to the look on his face,” Seona said as they packed.  
“To be honest,” Anders said with a small grin. “I am almost looking more forward to the look on Danny’s face.”

They shared a smile, then Seona closed her suitcase and walked to Anders’s side. 

“You looked smashing,” she whispered, her breath grazing his ear. “You know what I wanted to do?”  
Anders sneaked an arm around her waist. “Do tell.”  
Seona’s eyelids lowered. “I wanted my head under there.”

Anders was beginning to reconsider again.

* * *

As was to be expected, the Johnson Clan plus three had prepared a party for the newlyweds upon their return with drinks, food, barbecue, cakes, cupcakes and a lot of hugs and back slaps. 

The kids were acting like puppies on Speed.

“Did you bring something, Uncle Andy? Did you?”  
“Did you, Uncle Andy?  
“What did you bring?”  
“Uncle Andy? Do I get a present?”  
“Do I get one too?”   
“Uncle Andy!”

Chloe tugged at the hem of Seona’s blouse. Seona looked down and crouched beside her with a smile.

“Did Uncle Andy really bring presents?” She whispered.  
“He did,” Seona whispered back and winked before straightening up again.

They had bought T-shirts for the kids with cute Nessie prints. For the ladies, Celtic sterling silver jewellery. And while Emma was still gushing over the earrings shaped like thistles and inlaid with coloured enamel, Anders approached Christine with a small jeweller’s box.

Christine put her glass down and Anders smiled at her, part wistfully, part happy. He opened the box and in it was a silver ring, a narrow band of delicate knot work.

“I know you never wanted to marry me and it would have been a shit ass stupid idea anyway, but...” Anders took Christine’s left hand.   
“Anders?” Christine looked questioningly at her hand and up at Anders’s face again.  
“If you want it,” he said. “It’s a friendship ring. As... as a thanks. For being there for me through all those years. I owe you so much, Chris. And you mean so much to me.”  
“God Anders, don’t make me cry!” Christine slung her arms around his neck and he pulled her close. 

After they had hugged for a while Christine leaned back and kissed him. There was nothing sexual about that kiss, just a warm gesture of familiarity and affection. They hugged again afterwards.

“Don’t make Seona jealous,” Olaf quipped as he looked down at his granddaughter-in-law.  
Seona looked up at him. “It was my idea ye fannybawz and stop ogling my chebs.”

Christine let go of Anders and Seona opened her arms, then the two women hugged fiercely. 

“He’s right, you know? We wouldn’t be here without you,” Seona said after they had stepped back again.   
“Stop making me cry, you two.” Christine smiled at her and shook her head. 

While Christine and Seona had hugged Anders had taken another item out of the bag (which they had taken along empty just to be able to take gifts back home). 

“Right,” he said and took the rolled up bag out. “Russ, this one’s for you. Seona?”  
“Aye.” Seona took the bag and Russell’s hand. “Come on, my bonnie wee barra.”

Russell had just about time to hand Danny his beer with an expression of bewilderment before Seona dragged him up the stairs.

“Danny,” Anders said and produced a small brown paper bag. “You were a tough one, I have to admit.”  
“Come on, Anders.” Danny put both his and Russell’s beer down on the table. “I don’t really need a gift, you know? I’m not even family.”  
“Emma and Chris aren’t related to me either and they’re practically family so here we go.”

Danny walked over with a smile and a shrug. 

“As I said... I had a hard time choosing something, so I hope you’ll like those.”

Danny took the bag and inside were two leather bracelets, each about one and a half inches broad and with a press stud. They were dark brown and embossed with a Celtic knot work pattern. 

“Wow...” Danny’s face lit up. “Wow... they’re bloody amazing!” He looked at Anders with a bright grin. “Thank you! They’re amazing!”  
“I can’t say how relieved I am right now.”

Danny didn’t waste a second with putting them on. 

“Suits you.”  
Danny looked at Anders again. “Wow... uh... thanks.”

Anders opened his arms. Danny hesitated for a moment longer, then stepped forward and closed his arms around him. It was the first time ever that had happened.

Danny stepped back with a mildly embarrassed smile.

“And last but not least,” Anders said and dug into the bag again. “You’ll probably wonder why I didn’t bring gifts for you.” He looked at his brothers, one after another, and Olaf as well. “I just thought sterling silver jewellery wouldn’t be your thing.”  
“Why?” Olaf looked mildly disappointed.  
“You’ll like this one,” Anders assured him and unwrapped something from a towel.

“Three bottles,” he said and put a bottle of single malt onto the table. “As much as I could legally get through customs. Special editions, stuff you can’t buy over here, or online.”  
“But we’re four?” Axl said hesitantly.  
“No way!” Anders pretended to count heads. “Shit!”  
Axl shoved his hands into his pockets. “For fuck’s sake,” he muttered, not meeting anyone’s eyes.

Anders looked at him with raised eyebrows as he put the other two bottles onto the table next to the first one.

“The thought was this,” Anders began. “I thought we’d do a boys night at one point. No wives, no kids, just us, like a good old bergerbar plus Olaf of course. And then we can get drunk in style and get sentimental and go on about the good old times...”  
“And dig out old grudges,” Olaf interjected.  
“And dig out old grudges,” Anders said with a nod. “And get more drunk, and get sentimental again.”

Mike draped an arm around Anders’s shoulders and picked up one of the bottles to inspect the label. 

“Anders, that’s one of your better ideas, you know that?”  
“I know.” 

The two brothers exchanged a smile but before either of them could say anything, Russell came racing down the stairs.

“DAD! You’re crazy!”

Rather than looking at his son, Anders kept darting glances at Danny. Who, to be honest, had never been a pro in controlling his facial expressions. Russell of course picked right up on it too and slowed down, sauntering down the rest of the stairs and towards his boyfriend rather than bouncing, with the kilt swinging around his legs.

“Look at that!” Russell grinned and flashed his dimples. “Bloody amazing, huh?”  
“Uh... yeah...” Danny tried to force his facial muscles back under control with meagre success. 

“Russell?” Dawn’s girls had immediately surrounded him and Grace gave him a puzzled look. “Why are you wearing a skirt?”  
“It’s not a skirt, it’s a kilt,” Russell replied proudly. “And Scotsmen wear those all the time.”  
“Aye,” Seona confirmed. “There’s no piece of wardrobe more masculine than a kilt.”

“Eww! Russell, you’re not wearing underwear!” Chloe, always the soul of tact.   
“It’s supposed to be that way!” Seona said firmly.  
Russell looked down at Chloe and plucked the hem of the kilt out of her hands. “And I fail to see how that is any of your business,” he said to her in exasperated amusement.

When Russell looked up again at his boyfriend, Anders kept his eyes firmly on Danny. He had just about managed to get his facial muscles to relax again, but now he was giving Russell a rather empty stare. Were his pupils dilated? 

_Damnit._

Danny desperately tugged at the hem of his T-shirt.

_Fuck._

He felt Seona’s hand slide into his, and she looked up at him with a small _told-you-so_ smile. Anders adjusted his tie and began contemplating webshops and postage fees. 

At that point Russell had engaged Danny in a conversation about the bracelets, but Danny was currently incapable of anything more sophisticated than one-word sentences.

Not that he would actually wear that thing. 

Seona leaned closer to whisper into his ear. “Do you have a spare pair of earplugs?”  
“Several,” he whispered back.   
“I think we need those tonight.” Seona’s hand cupped one of his buttocks.

At least not outside the bedroom.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The everyday madness of a Scot and a Kiwi and the not so everyday madness of the Rugby World Cup. And two dorks in love who have entered a new stage in their lives and have to find their feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m aware that the way to become a paramedic varies hugely from country to country, and since I’m solely referring to New Zealand [here’s](https://www.aut.ac.nz/study-at-aut/study-areas/health-sciences/undergraduate-courses/bachelor-of-health-science-overview/?a=56322) what Danny will be doing for the next three years, for those of you who are interested.
> 
> And no, Seona is not going to be any better off than me. I swear [ that song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSjvLG7IJAI)is beginning to grate on my nerves but my brain sometimes plays it for hours.
> 
> Special thanks to Filikilithorinforever for helping me get the rugby stuff right.
> 
> * * *

“It’s a pinch of salt, Seona. A pinch, not a handful.”  
“I know what a pinch is.” Seona gave Anders a dark glare.  
“Seems to me you’re using pinching my ass as a size reference.”  
“Bloody hell.” Seona stepped back and wiped her hands on her brand new apron, cheerfully green with a lemon pattern in Provence style. “So what’s your definition of a pinch, then?”  
Anders picked up a pinch of salt. “That is my definition of a pinch of salt.”

Seona dropped her hands with a heavy sigh. “Do we _have_ to do this?”  
“You asked me to!” Anders dropped the salt into the bowl with the eggs. “No, we don’t have to do this!”  
At that Seona dropped her head as well like a scolded schoolgirl. “Yeah... I did. Sorry, Anders.”  
“Babe...” Anders lifted her chin again with a finger. “I can see this isn’t up your street and no, we really don’t have to do this. You really don’t have to try and learn something you don’t even enjoy doing just for my sake.”

Seona ran a hand through his hair, then trailed a finger through his beard. “I have the feeling I should be able to make decent scrambled eggs, though.”  
Anders shrugged. “I still don’t mind the division of labour,” he said with a smile. “Because I sure as fuck can’t blow myself.”  
“You’d have to learn some serious yoga for that,” Seona replied with a smile of her own. 

Anders pulled her close and into a kiss. They were just getting comfortable right then and there when the door opened.

“Don’t mind me!” Russell said cheerfully as he rounded the kitchen counter. “Oh, cooking lessons?”  
“Yes.” Seona cleared her throat. “Yes, but I fail even at making scrambled eggs. I don’t know how much lower I can get.”  
“Try water.”  
Seona’s eyes narrowed.  
“Boiling water?” Russell reached for the fridge. “I’m sure even you can manage that?”

Seona picked up a cooking spoon and Russell managed to duck the mock blow.

“Uh... Everything all right?” Danny had just come in and now looked back and forth between Anders who was leaning against the fridge with a smirk and Russell and Seona who were wrestling for the cooking spoon.  
“Yeah. Absolutely fine.” Anders crossed his arms. “Just the usual madness. You know this household.”  
After huffing out a chuckle Danny shook his head with a grin. 

In the meantime Seona had gained the upper hand and smacked Russell’s bottom with the spoon; not too hard, but Russell squealed nonetheless. 

“Danny, help!”  
Danny exchanged a look with Anders who opened the fridge. “Beer?” He asked Danny nonchalantly.  
“Sure thing.”  
“Traitor!” Russell gave his boyfriend a hurt look.  
“Dude, I’m not getting between the front lines. You need me to pick you up and carry you to safety and I can’t do that if she gets me too.”  
“Wow...” Russell smoothed back his hair. “That is really thoughtful and generous, Mr Paramedic.”  
Danny saluted him with his beer and took a sip. 

“But seriously.” Seona took off her apron with a sigh of defeat. “I think I give up for now.”  
“What about the eggs?” Anders looked at the bowl.  
“Mind if I use them?” Russell took the bowl. “We were after food anyway. Danny? Egg sandwiches?”  
“You know me and egg sandwiches. Why do you even ask that?”

Russell grinned and shooed both Danny and Anders away from the fridge. “Do we have any bacon?” He asked as he ducked inside.  
“Sort of,” Danny replied and squeezed one of Russell’s buttocks. He had definitely been around the Johnson household for too long by now.

Both Anders and Seona didn’t even attempt to suppress a dirty snicker as they left the kitchen. Seona started humming a song that sounded traditional but that none of the others recognised.

Russell straightened up with a pack of bacon rashers in his hand. “You want those or you want me to sit on an egg sandwich with my naked ass?” He asked his boyfriend.  
Danny pursed his lips for a moment and took another sip of beer with a very thoughtful frown.  
“I think this is the point where we go upstairs,” Anders said firmly.  
“Hang on...” Seona gave Russell her sweetest smile. “Is there a chance there’s enough for a third sandwich? One without your ass on it?”

Russell looked back and forth between Danny and Seona. 

“Maybe if Dad...”  
“Don’t even finish that sentence,” Anders cut in.

“Man, you Johnsons are all crackpots,” Danny said after a moment with a crooked grin.

Three pairs of eyes came to rest on him and Danny took a rather big sip of his beer.

“Did you really need until now to figure that one out?” Russell asked as he switched on the cooker.  
“Nah.” Danny chuckled and put down his beer. He slung one arm around Russell’s waist. “Just thought I’d mention it.”  
“I’d be worried if you had only just now realised that I’m somewhat of a crackpot.”  
“You’re a first class crackpot, Russ.” Danny leaned forward and pulled him close. “But you’re my crackpot.”  
“Isn’t he just the soul of romanticism?” Russell said with a pout and lowered eyelids.  
“Hey, I’m not the poet.”  
“No you’re not... So you just stick to setting the rhythm.”

“This...” Anders said loudly and firmly, “...is the point where we go upstairs, Seona.”  
“But what about my sandwich?”  
“You know what?” Danny said to Seona as he took another beer from the fridge and picked up his own. “Why don’t we leave the cooking to the pros and let them do their magic?”  
“That is the best thing I heard all day,” Seona said while inclining her head. 

With that she accepted the beer and slipped her arm through Danny’s, and the two vanished outside.

Russell cast a look after them before taking the bowl and adding a few more eggs to it, cracking and emptying the eggs into the mixture in a deft and elegant, one-handed move. “Should we be worried?” He asked his father as he whisked the eggs after adding another pinch of salt. 

They exchanged a long look. 

“Yes.” Anders took a sip of beer and both could hear Danny and Seona laugh. “We should be worried.” 

Anders put down his beer and equipped himself with a cutting board and a knife to dice the bacon while Russell stirred in the pan. Danny and Seona could be heard laughing again, and louder this time.

“Very worried,” Anders muttered under his breath as he scraped the bacon off the board into the pan.

* * *

* * *

Anders really didn’t care about sports, no matter the kind, and he really couldn’t care less about the world cup, even if that labelled him as somewhat of a traitor to their fatherland in the eyes of his brothers.

He and Seona had spent the time Russell and Danny had occupied the living room and the TV either in some restaurant or bar or outside in the garden. Seona wasn’t keen on sport events either, so they had allocated the living room to the boys, especially now that the All Blacks had made it into the last sixteen. No chance in hell that the two would miss a single game from now on.

It happened when Seona wanted to be sweet to Russell and Danny – whom she frequently called Her Boys – and entered the living room with two new beers. The game hadn’t started yet, and the All Blacks were just starting with their Haka.

Seona froze and stared. She almost dropped the beers.

“Oh my god…”

Both Russell and Danny turned around and looked at her over the backrest of the sofa. Her eyes were as wide as saucers.

“Oh my god!”  
“Seona?” Russell looked at Danny who shrugged.  
“Oh my GOD!”  
“Are you okay?” Danny asked.

Seona stared at the two with huge eyes. “What is that?”  
Now Russell grinned. “It’s the All Blacks, our national team.”  
“NO!” Seona hurried around the sofa and fell down next to Russell and absentmindedly held out the beers, her eyes glued to the screen. “What are they doing?”  
“It’s called a Haka,” Russell said.  
“A what?” She still didn’t look at him.  
“A Haka,” Russell said again. “It’s a Maroi war dance and they use it to… uh…”  
“Intimidate the opposite team,” Danny finished.  
“Oh my god!” Seona leaned forward. “Look at them!! What… Bloody HELL!”

Russell and Danny exchanged a grin.

Seona clamped her hands between her knees and stared. She was twitching in time with the chant. “So how does this game actually work?”  
“Just watch,” Russell said with a grin. 

Outside on the terrace in the garden, Anders wondered why Seona wasn’t coming back, and with a dark feeling of premonition he cautiously entered the house again.

He could hear her cheer together with Russell and Danny and heaved out a heavy sigh of defeat. Crossing his arms he walked towards the living room and leaned into the doorframe. 

“SCORE!” When excited, Seona got close to the frequencies that only dogs could hear and all three men around her winced. “FUCK YEAH!”  
“Are you enjoying yourself?” Anders asked from the doorframe.  
Seona looked up with a slightly guilty expression and an apologetic grin.  
“I guess I have to drink my beer alone then?”  
“Why don’t you come and join us?”  
“For the same reason I chose to sit outside during the game in the first place.”

Seona chewed her lip and looked back and forth between Anders and the TV. Watching her facial expression, Anders had to chuckle.

“Oh for fuck’s sake Seona, I won’t stop you from having fun. You just watch the game with your boys.”

Seona grinned and shrugged. Anders grinned and shook his head, then left them to their game before equipping himself with a new beer to enjoy in the solitude of the garden. He could hear Seona cheer through the closed door and shook his head with a fond smile before taking a sip of his beer.

And after that afternoon, there was no going back. Seona was as glued to the screen in the quarter-final as much as her boys and again, was watching the All Blacks Haka with huge eyes.

“I have to learn that,” she said.  
Russell and Danny both had to laugh.  
“No seriously. Can I learn that?”  
“You can try.” Danny took a sip of beer.  
Russell jumped up. “Fuck yes! Let’s go!”

All three of them got up and attempted to copy the moves of the All Blacks players. Hilarity ensued. 

Subsequently they ended up yelling and hollering at the screen to cheer the All Blacks during the game while Anders retreated into his office and firmly closed the door, contemplating earplugs. Then he took his laptop, relocated into the bedroom and got comfortable with a movie on the bed.

Semi-finals saw Seona with an All Blacks jersey. She and her boys joined the Haka (or tried to) and kept on yelling at the top of their lungs during the game.

After pinching the bridge of his nose with a shake of his head Anders refilled the beer in the fridge and retreated into the bedroom again.

How and why it had happened Anders couldn’t possibly explain, but he guessed it had to do with Russell’s and Danny’s enthusiasm and Seona’s intense begging paired with her puppy eyes. Whatever the reason, Anders found himself in a pub, of all places, somewhere downtown, and surrounded by more nutters of the same species wearing All Blacks jerseys. He in his grey shirt and dark slacks was sticking out like a sore thumb.

His brothers welcomed Seona into their ranks like a long lost brother, or sister as it were, cheering and hugging her, and Olaf even lifted her up like a child, with Seona squealing like a child too. 

The place was packed and there hadn’t been a chance to get a table so the Johnsons formed into a huddle close to the bar, all of them bar Anders staring at the huge screen. 

The word ear-battering got a whole new meaning as the game progressed. Anders could picture a battering ram and his eardrums all too clearly while Seona’s shrieks added sharpened spikes to it. The place smelled of sweat, beer and pent-up excitement.

But as he watched her, her freckled face flushed with excitement, eyes sparkling and her curls flying everywhere his heartbeat picked up speed and yes…. She was a witch all right. He was spellbound. Well and truly ensorcelled with no chance to escape. He took a sip of beer. And no desire to do so. 

The Wallabies got off to a really good start, causing much cursing and swearing and angry yells at the screen, but the All Blacks managed to catch up somewhat. Half-time saw the teams part with a score of 17: 12. 

As the game continued in the second half the All Blacks stopped chomping their bits and proceeded to knock the stuffing out of the other team. One of the players, a smaller Maori guy, seemed to have some sort of kinship with a cannonball and had quickly become Seona’s favourite, and she cheered him on with even more fervour than the rest of the team. She was, unsurprisingly, wearing the jersey with his number. 

Now, Seona actually did look somewhat like an adult version of the Disney princess Merida, and with her Scottish accent clearly marking her as Non-Kiwi she was the cause of a lot of good-natured amusement. Yet her enthusiasm seemed to make the Kiwis around her rather proud that a foreigner was so thrilled by their team. And she had the blood of Celtic warriors in her veins well and good; she hollered as loud as the hugest men in the pub, with a language as foul if needs be. She could make anyone’s ears ring in several different ways.

Victory was within reach when suddenly the Wallabies reared their heads again and scored several tries in a row. The cheering petered out into a heavy silence. Anders, who hadn’t paid attention, suddenly realised that the place around him had gone deadly quiet and looked up at the screen. 

Fifteen minutes left. Score: Wallabies 32, All Blacks 25.

Anders placed his hands on Seona’s shoulders; she was whining like a dog and biting her fingers.

Several minutes passed in nerve-wrecking silence.

And then Seona’s favourite player suddenly shot off like the cannonball that seemed to be his spirit animal and scored a try as well. That broke the ice, and the All Blacks were part of the game again. And what a game it was – suddenly Anders too was caught up watching the Kiwi team going into frenzy. They caught up, and then took the lead. 

The cheering resumed, even louder than before.

And as the end of the match approached and victory was within reach and coming closer and closer, even Anders found himself watch it after all. Or what was left of it, anyway. The last minutes were inaudible anyway over the cheering. 

In the end, the All Blacks beat the Wallabies by 37:32 and Anders retreated as far as he could towards the bar in the subsequent madness consisting of yells, screams, hugs, backslaps, fist-pumps, high-fives and attempt of joining the victory Haka. It was pandemonium, but, though loud, a harmless one.

On their way home, amidst cheering and singing, Seona got a bit handsy as well and Anders, knowing what she could be like when inebriated, mentally prepared himself with a broad grin he didn’t bother to hide. 

“Still think you’d look smashing in a black jersey,” Seona muttered into his ear, her arms encircling his waist.  
“Like I’d look smashing in a kilt?” Anders lowered his eyelids.  
“Oh fuck...” Seona exhaled softly with closed eyes. “Oh fuck yeah...”  
“So the day I would wear an All Blacks jersey and a kilt would be the day you spontaneously self-combust?”

Seona opened her eyes again. She smiled. Anders knew that smile.

“You’re a bloody tease,” she said and slipped both her hands into his back pockets. “You could hydrate the Namib with my underwear right now and I know it’s never going to happen!”

There is was again, that pout. Anders grinned, however, and closed his arms around her thinking of the despatch note he had had in his inbox the other day.

* * *

* * *

With examinations coming up at the end of their first semester, Russell and Danny had spent precious little time with each other before the exams proper. Their courses of studies could hardly differ any more so there was no point in trying to prepare for their exams together. 

During the year prior, when they both had been working rather lowbrow jobs, spare time had never been an issue; now they had schedules to match up and with approaching examinations even weekends had become rare and precious. 

Danny had thrown himself into the course with ardent determination and worked his ass off; sometimes Russell didn’t even get a reply to a text he had sent until late at night. He knew complaining about that was selfish and stupid but he missed him, yet there was nothing for it and so he forced himself to focus on his own business. His exams were a piece of cake however, though he made a point of not mentioning that to his fellow students. 

So when examinations were finally over and mid-year-break coming up Danny had procured his uncle’s cottage on Waiheke again for a week. Russell was on tenterhooks sitting at the table downstairs next to his bag and guitar case; they hadn’t seen each other in more than a week and hadn’t really spoken for two days while Danny had made it through his last exam.

“Cat on a hot tin roof?” Anders asked as he walked past with his coffee.  
Russell stuck out his tongue at him.  
“No, seriously.” Anders sat down. “Danny’s taking this serious, right?”  
After closing his eyes Russell sighed and looked at his father again. “He’s been dreaming of this since he was twelve,” he said. “He told me that it was when he was in a car accident with his parents. Nothing serious, but the other two cars had had a bad collision and little him was sitting on the backseat of their car next to his mum watching the ambulance arrive and the paramedics file out...” Russell’s smile softened. “And he said he watched them and he just knew that this was him in a few years. He just knew.”

They exchanged a look and a wistful smile. Seona looked up at them with a smile of her own at them from the kitchen where she was making herself a cup of tea. She was humming again, it seemed to be her favourite song.

“Kind of enviable, isn’t it?” Anders took a sip of coffee. “To be so sure of one’s purpose in life.”  
Russell nodded mutely.  
“Russ?”  
A shrug.  
“You beginning to have second thoughts?” Anders asked gently.  
“No.” Russell looked up again. “It’s just... It just happened. Exams, I mean. I didn’t even put any real effort into it and I aced it... I know I should be over the moon, but... I don’t know. It doesn’t feel like an achievement. It just... happened.”  
“Don’t you think that’ll change in a year or two?”  
Russell shrugged again. “I don’t know.”

Before Anders could say anything else a car honked outside and Russell shot out of his chair so fast it almost toppled over. He grabbed his bag and his guitar and faltered as he reached the door, but Anders, in compassion, had followed his son and now opened the door for him. 

“Thanks, Dad! Bye!”

Grinning like an idiot Russell hurried towards the back of the car to throw his stuff in and with a smile to himself, Anders watched Danny get out as Russell threw down the hatch of the boot again. Danny rounded the car and then the two had their arms around each other. 

Anders closed the door and cast another look at them through the window. A troop of pipes and drums could have marched right past them and they probably wouldn’t have noticed.

Seona stepped to his side, still humming. They exchanged a smile.

“If he ever catches on to that you’ll be in for an earful,” Anders said to her as he draped an arm around her middle.  
“It’s not my fault!” Seona shrugged helplessly. “I can’t help it!”  
“Then you should be careful not to accidentally start singing it.”  
Seona shrugged with a sigh. “Happened already, though no one was within hearing range. I hope.”  
“I hope that too. Would be fucking awkward if anyone catches you singing a love song for your step-son’s boyfriend.”  
Seona narrowed her eyes. “Russell is not my step-son and it’s not because of Danny but because of his bloody name and it’s not my fault!”

With that she headed back to the kitchen and her tea that had finished steeping and switched from humming to singing. 

No, one day they were going to run into Seona singing that, and while Russ could probably see the humour in this situation Danny would probably implode with embarrassment.

“Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy I love you so...”

Anders looked out of the window again. Though she had a bloody good point.

The moment Danny had his arms around him Russell forgot about self-doubts and achievements and anything else. There was only Danny and Danny’s arms and his smell and then his lips, and nothing else mattered right now. 

“You ready to go?” Danny asked with a smile after they had parted.  
Russell sifted all ten fingers through Danny’s hair. He wasn’t wearing a ponytail and Russell knew that was fully intentional as Danny knew perfectly well how much Russell loved it when he let his hair run wild and free.  
“I was born ready,” Russell replied. “Let’s go.”

On their way to the ferry terminal they chatted a bit about their respective exams, but Russell didn’t fail to notice that there was something else on Danny’s mind. 

But when he finally decided to ask what was bothering him, Danny just said: “When we’re there. Don’t want to talk about it in the car or on the ferry. But it’s nothing bad, promised.”

That was only slightly comforting but better than nothing, so Russell reined in his curiosity and his worries until they had finally emptied the boot and equipped themselves with beer from the cooler Danny had thoughtfully brought along so they wouldn’t have to wait for their beer to cool. 

They settled down on the sofa and Danny dug into a pocket to produce a folded sheet of paper. 

“So,” he began, somewhat hesitantly. “I was... I don’t know why it...”  
Russell took his other hand and Danny finally met his eyes.  
“It’s probably because of me having started,” he went on. “All the medical stuff made me think of... uh... things... and it got me rather worried too, but I didn’t want to worry you as well so I didn’t say anything.”  
“Danny...” Russell said with a sigh. “If it bothers you then you can talk to me about it, okay? I’m there for you. Always.”  
“I know.” Danny smiled and squeezed his hand. “I still didn’t want to... anyway. Maybe I should have, but that’s moot point now.”  
“Danny you have me worried again, you know that?”

Danny let go of Russell’s hand and unfolded the paper. “I was thinking... uhm... about our first night, you know? And... and what you did.” He looked up again with a shy smile.  
“The blowjob?”  
“Hm,” Danny gave back with a nod.  
“But...” Russell blinked in confusion and shook his head. “And you think you gave me something... nasty?”

“I was worried I could have.” Danny met Russell’s eyes. “I was with two girls and didn’t use a rubber because they were on the pill and STDs weren’t on my mind back then. I don’t think they’ve been sleeping around either, but you only need one bad egg somewhere down the line, you know?”  
Russell could only nod.  
“So no, I didn’t really... but I wanted to be sure, you know? I just wanted to be sure I was clean, so I had myself tested for everything. And I am clean. You know...” He bit his lower lips and shook his head. “Sometimes when I was in bed at night and couldn’t fall asleep I couldn’t really fight thoughts of... that I could have given you something nasty and I really... I had to do it. But I’m clean.”

Russell knelt on the sofa and slung both arms around his boyfriend. Danny leaned into the embrace with closed eyes.

“I don’t even know what to say,” Russell whispered into Danny’s hair. “But... thank you. I... thank you. And you know what? I’m gonna do it too. Once we’re back. I get myself tested and then... then we both don’t have to worry anymore.”

Russell turned out clean as well, and for some reason, it almost felt like a new start. After that they never talked about it again but it felt more serious, more real now, and it brought them closer together in a way neither of them could really explain. 

They didn’t have to talk about that now, maybe they would go _there_ after all. It still wasn’t imminent, but with the knowledge that nothing could happen, even if doing it without protection had never been questioned, it felt like a relief. And somehow, like a cautious invitation as well.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Russell has a tendency to emotionally overreact upon realising he’s made a mistake, but there will always be a tower of strength for him. Even if that person is the one Russell unintentionally hurt.

Due to Russell’s car acting up the party was already alive when they arrived but they were far from late; no one was seriously drunk yet. They left their sleeping bags in the car for now, taking only Russell’s guitar along, and headed for the garden.

Emma had immediately spotted them and hooked one arm through Russell’s and one through Danny’s, skipping along between them with a grin while she introduced various people they passed by. 

From somewhere behind the house they could hear people shout and cheer.

“What are they up to back there?” Russell asked with a grin.  
“Oh, them.” Emma rolled her eyes. “Last time I looked they were bench-pressing girlfriends.”  
Both Russell and Danny simultaneously snorted.  
“Anyway. There’s Marcus over there, he’s the barbeque man.”

A guy with short brown hair and a soul patch lifted a spatula and grinned. 

There was a small bonfire pit at the other end of the garden and the fire was already lit even though it wasn’t dark yet. Unsurprisingly someone else had had the same idea as Russell and brought a guitar along as well. The case was lying in safe distance from the fire pit, the guitar resting on top. Russell immediately put his own case down to inspect the other guitar, but there was no one else in sight so he didn’t touch it since he couldn’t ask for permission.

“Wow!” His eyes widened. “Is that... wow!”  
“Dude?” Danny caught up with him.  
“Look at that! Is that... that’s an acoustic bass! I’ve never seen one for real!”

Danny shook his head with a fond smile. 

“Wow... It’s beautiful.” Russell turned around to look at Danny again. “Isn’t it a beauty?”  
Danny smiled crookedly back with a tiny shrug. “If you say so... to me it’s just a guitar with two less strings.”  
Russell huffed. “Yeah sure, if you can’t beat it with a stick...”  
“Careful...”

They stared at each other for a moment before they both had to laugh.

Since bonfires were to Russell what candle flames are to moths Danny didn’t bat an eyelash when his boyfriend sat down in the grass and began to unpack his guitar. He just went to find some beer and equipped with these, came back to sit down next to him. Emma had gotten comfortable at Russell’s other side and grinned up at Danny when he offered her a bottle as well.

“Thanks,” Russell said with a smile as he tuned the guitar. “Wonder who owns that bass.”  
“Try playing,” Emma said and took a sip of beer. “You probably attract them. Musicians are like magnets to each other.”

Russell grinned, took a sip of his own beer and started playing; not an actual song just yet, he just picked a few riffs and played a bit of a blues. Danny tapped the rhythm with his fingers on his thigh.

“We need to find you a portable drum kit,” Russell said with a wink.  
Danny snorted.  
“Maybe a pair of bongos to start with?” Emma supplied.  
“That could work.” Danny adjusted his position and stretched out one leg. “Though my dad would probably go mental if I drag another dumb noise machine home.”

Russell and Emma exchanged a small, mildly concerned look. Then Russell shook his head and played a few minor chords.

Sure enough, they hadn’t been sitting there for more than ten minutes when the first people began to drift over and settled down around the fire as well. Two girls sat down next to Emma, one of them was Maori, with beautiful and impossibly long hair. 

“Hey Emma, are those your friends?”  
Emma nodded and gestured with her bottle. “Yep, that’s Russell, that’s Danny. They’re an item so don’t get your hopes up.”  
“Just my luck,” the Maori girl said. “Hey, I’m Janice. You all right?”  
“Splendid,” Russell gave back. “You know whose bass that is?”

Janice looked rather stumped and looked at her friend. “Lucy?”  
Lucy, tall and athletic and with a blonde undercut, finished drinking and put down her bottle. “It’s Craig’s.”  
“Crazy Craig or pretty Craig?”

Russell and Danny couldn’t suppress a snort.

“No, seriously,” Lucy went on with a grin. “We got two Craigs, Craig Miller and Craig O’Connor. Craig Miller is like seven feet five and has full sleeve tattoos and a nose ring. Craig O’Conner is a ginger and looks as if he just opted out of a modelling contract.”  
Janice nodded with a bright smile. “We started with calling them tall Craig and short Craig but he didn’t like being the short one.”  
“No way,” Danny said with a grin.  
“Then we went for blonde Craig and ginger Craig,” Lucy went on. “But he didn’t like ginger Craig either because he said it sounds like a cookie.”

All five of them snickered. 

“So now it’s crazy Craig and pretty Craig.” Lucy shrugged. “And that bass is pretty Craig’s.”  
Russell gave the bass guitar an unconcealed hungry stare.  
Lucy grinned and stretched out her legs. “I’m sure he lets you try it.”  
“It’s more that we’ve been looking for someone who plays bass for an eternity.”  
“We?”  
“Me and Danny. He’s the drummer, but drums and guitar doesn’t make a band.”  
“Hey!” Emma gave him a pout. “I thought I was on board as well!”  
“That’s a given, Dash.” Russell grinned and picked another chord.  
“And what do you do?” Janice asked Emma.  
“Vocals and flute.” Emma nudged Russell in the ribs. “They say my sax doesn’t fit in with their style.”  
“And what is that style?” Lucy leaned a little forward.

Danny huffed out a breath. “Not yet sure how to call that.”  
“It’s...” Russell lowered his hand and shrugged. “I’s a... a mix between metal and Norse folk?”

Emma’s two friends both looked at him for a moment.

“Okay,” Janice said. “That’s a first.”  
“Viking Metal,” Lucy added with a grin. “I like that. When’s your first concert?”  
“As soon as we have the people we need, have made enough songs and found someone who lets us use their stage.” Russell shrugged again.  
“Ah damn.” Lucy took a sip of beer. “You could’ve rocked the festival.”

Russell and Danny exchanged a wistful look. The Auckland Festival was an event that drew thousands of people and dozens of bands to Auckland each January and had been a stepping stone for a lot of hitherto unknown bands or musicians. It was an Indie festival with several stages and all styles of music, and standing on one of those stages one day would be their dream come true.

“Next year maybe,” Russell said with a sigh. “Or the year after.”  
“Oh come on.” Janice leaned forward. “Just go and play us a song.”  
Russell’s smile was back. “What do you wanna hear?”  
“Uh.” She weighed her head. “Simon and Garfunkel?”  
“Cliché much?” Russell winked and plucked a few chords.  
Janice shrugged. “I like them.”  
“I like them too so here we are.”

Because classics will be classics Russell played Sounds of Silence. And as soon as he started singing more people began to drift over and settled down around the fire. Russell closed his eyes with a smile and was in his element. He loved making music, but he loved making music with and for other people even more. 

Two songs later someone yelled that the barbeque was ready and the audience dispersed to grab some food and more drinks. 

When Russell and Danny came back, the owner of the bass guitar was there as well. He looked up with a grin and the two of them had to admit that Lucy hadn’t lied. Softly curling, bright ginger hair, soft, full lips and eyes in a shade of blue that looked like dark mother-of-pearl. He was mindbogglingly handsome.

“Hey!” Russell fell down into the grass next to him after recovering his wits. “You’re Craig?”  
“One of them,” Craig replied with a grin. “Guess which one.”  
“The one that isn’t tall, blonde and crazy?”  
Craig threw his head back and laughed. He had a voice like molten honey, dark, rich and smooth. “Are you trying to get into my good books?”  
Russell shrugged with a grin. “I’m trying to put a band together and still need a bass.”

Craig picked up his bass with a thoughtful hum. “And what music do you do?”  
“I’m not even sure there’s a name for that...” Russell reached for his guitar. “It’s half not-so-hard metal and half Norse folk.”  
Craig frowned and cocked his head. “The fuck?”  
“I know. But... hey, listen to this.”

It was one of the first songs Russell had written, one of those with their band in mind, and he had done so shortly after coming home from Norway. The lyrics were taken from the Edda and only just enough adapted to fit into rhythm and melody. It was the one Russell was most proud of.

Craig seemed seriously intrigued. “What language is that? Icelandic?”  
“It’s old Norse.”  
“What?” Craig snapped his mouth shut and blew a raspberry. “You taking the piss or what?”  
“Nope. I’m a nutter.”  
“Seriously?” Craig picked up his bass with a grin and plucked a string. “Can you play that again?”

They spent some time tuning their guitars together and when Russell played again, Craig cautiously joined him, experimenting with rhythm, speed and riffs.

At one point Danny left to get more beer, and when he came back Russell and Craig were leaning over a notepad with Russell busily scribbling away. They were engaged in a heated discussion and all but oblivious of Danny’s presence even as they took the offered beers.

“So you also got background vocals?” Craig asked eagerly.  
“Yeah, and I have a drummer.”  
“So we only need another rhythm guitar?”  
“Maybe. Or maybe two front men are enough.”  
Craig draped an arm around Russell’s shoulders. “You mean if it’s us two?”

They shared a laugh.

Danny retreated, a more than slightly hurt look on his face.

* * *

It wasn’t before Emma and her friends returned to the fire that Russell realised what had happened. He and Craig were talking about strings and the merits of half-acoustic vs electric and Russell was still jotting things down in the notepad.

“Hey Russ!” Emma sat down and beside her Lucy and Janice made themselves comfortable as well. “Where’s Danny?”  
Russell looked up, then around. “Ah... having a piss, I guess.”  
“Is Danny the guy with the long black hair?” Craig asked after taking a sip of his beer. “’Cause he left ages ago, like, after he brought us the beer. Looked a little miffed though I have no idea why.”

Russell faltered and the bottle stopped on the way to his lips. He stared at it as if he saw it for the first time, blinking rapidly, and then looked up at Emma.

She slowly tilted her head and leaned forward. “What did you do?”  
“Nothing!” Russell put the bottle down. “I didn’t do anything! I just talked to Craig to figure out stuff!”  
“And Danny?”  
Russell froze, mouth half open. “He... He brought us a beer and... how the fuck am I supposed to know what...”  
“Russell,” Emma cut in and then looked at Craig. “I mean look at him.”

Russell huffed out a chuckle that was half amused, half annoyed. “What? You think... he’s jealous?”  
“And what if he is?”  
“Hang on.” Craig lifted a hand. “I’m missing something here.”  
“Russ and Danny are an item.” Emma cast Russell a dark look. “He didn’t tell you?”  
“We didn’t get there...” Russell began hesitantly.  
“Shit, that bloke is your boyfriend?” Craig’s eyes went wide. “In that case you can tell him I’m straight so no worries.” His wink was lost on Russell.

Emma frowned. “I mean okay, he doesn’t need to know he’s your boyfriend but you didn’t even introduce him?”  
“Why didn’t he do that himself?” Russell asked, his heartbeat picking up speed. “It’s not as if he needs my permission to talk to people!”  
“Uh...” Craig gave Russell a worried look. “Maybe he didn’t want to interrupt? He’s not into this band-business, right?”  
“He is the drummer,” Emma said in an icy voice while glaring daggers at Russell.

Craig cleared his throat and busied himself with tuning his bass.

Russell stared at the notepad for a moment and looked up at Emma with widening eyes. He had just assumed that Danny had settled down somewhere at the fire here – and totally failed to notice that he hadn’t. And Craig... 

“Oh shit...” Russell jumped to his feet. The others watched him disappear, and Emma rolled her eyes while cursing under her breath.

Russell felt a white-hot knot of shame and self-loathing build in his stomach as he hurried across the lawn to the patio, but Danny was nowhere in sight. He asked a few people he knew, but no one had seen him either. After a moment that he needed to calm his breathing Russell closed his eyes that were suddenly burning. What if Danny had left?

“Fuck... I’m such a stupid asshole,” he muttered to himself and almost ran around the house, but he still couldn’t find him. He went inside and was informed that yes, Danny had been inside to use the bathroom but that had been a while ago. Russell left again and had to suppress the urge to yell Danny’s name. He had left. He had hurt him, made him believe there was a reason to be jealous, and now Danny had left and gone home alone.

Again, he had to stop to calm his breathing, and his self-loathing grew to a whole new level. He ran both hands through his hair repeatedly, and after another round through the garden Russell leaned against a wall. 

He was running cold and he could feel it coming down on him. He was starting to hyperventilate. He was going under, and fast, and he was completely unable to stop it.

“Oh shit... Oh shit...”

Russell tried to calm his breathing with a long, drawn out breath, but it only came out as a shaky gasp. He could hear people laugh and talk, he heard a bottle fall and shatter accompanied by a few yells, and from inside the house he could hear music. 

No one could see him like this. He had to get away from here. 

After staggering more than running along the hedge he ended up behind a small shed, at the very end of the back garden, where he huddled into the corner between the shed and the house, pulled up his knees and slung his arms around them. He buried his face in his arms and fought his tears. His heart was hammering in his chest, the muscles in his back were so rigid it hurt and he felt his fingernails dig into his forearms. 

This was it, he was done for. The only thing he could do now was focus on breathing and wait for it to pass. His rapid heartbeat had turned into a heavy gushing in his ears that drowned out any other sound.

He had no idea how long it had taken, but eventually his heartbeat began to calm down again. He was completely shattered when he was finally able to uncurl.

It was then that he heard footsteps, and he made himself even smaller in the hopes that he wouldn’t be noticed. Maybe it would even have worked if whoever it was wasn’t specifically looking for him. 

“Dude?”

Russell lifted his head. Danny had gone into a crouch before him and looked at him with a carefully neutral expression. He had taken off of his leather coat and was only in a tank top now, and the tattoos and the leather bracelets looked perfect on his shapely and muscular arms, even in the dim light behind the shed. 

How could he ever think there was anyone who could match him?

Danny narrowed his eyes. “The fuck happened to you?”  
“I...”  
“Did you just have a full blown panic attack?”

Russell dropped his head again. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so fucking sorry. I just... I didn’t think. But Danny... honestly, I know he’s a looker but that doesn’t mean...”  
“Craig? He’s fucking gorgeous is what he is.” Danny narrowed his eyes even more. “So what... do you think I’m jealous?”  
“Danny...” Russell looked up and shook his head. “Danny I swear... I mean, know how he... how it looked but... I swear...”  
“Dude...”  
“It doesn’t matter that he looks like a god.” Russell managed a smile. “He’s not you.”

A small smile appeared on Danny’s face and smoothed out the lines on his forehead. He still didn’t move, though. 

“So you do think I’m jealous. But that’s a load of crap, you know? Yeah, so he looks like a wet dream, but I know you’re not like that. I mean, I can appreciate his looks and I know you’ve got eyes in your head too.” Danny shrugged. “That’s not why I’m angry.”

Russell swallowed hard and had a hard time meeting Danny’s eyes.

“It’s not because of him.” Danny sighed and sat down. “It’s because... I mean, we met at that festival more than two years ago, right? We met, and we started making music and became friends, and from the beginning we talked about going there one day through the stage door. We crushed on each other for months and still talked about how to find more people for the band. And then we hooked up and... but... but all the time... Russ, all the fucking time it was _our_ dream. We talked about _our_ band. Yeah, you were always the front man, but you called me the backbone. It was _our_ dream, _our_ band. And I get why you are over the moon now that you finally found a bass and someone to talk shop with. But then... you meet him, and suddenly it’s you. _You_ are putting a band together, _you_ have the background vocals, _you_ have a drummer... and then you didn’t even tell him that it was me and I was standing right next to you. That’s why I’m angry. Not because of how you looked at him.”

“Because of me,” Russell whispered hoarsely.  
“Because of how you talked to him.” Danny sighed. “And I know you didn’t mean it that way but it still hurt.”

An old, all but forgotten memory suddenly reared its head and felt like a knife plunged into the back of his neck. Russell gasped; he felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him.

_I didn’t mean it. Come on, boy, I really didn’t. Stop bawling like a baby._

_Hey I’m sorry, Russ. I didn’t mean it like that._

_Baby, I know... but Kevin really didn’t mean it that way._

“Shit...” He could hardly recognize his voice. “Shit, Danny... I’m sorry, I’m so sorry... I’m sorry...”  
“Fuck, Russell...” Danny shuffled over so he was sitting beside him. “You’re not going there again. Come on, snap out of it.”  
“I’m sorry... I’m sorry...” Russell couldn’t stop it; he burst into tears and started sobbing uncontrollably. “I’m sorry...” He almost choked on those words. “Fuck... Danny, I’m so sorry...”

“Oh for fuck’s sake...” Danny whispered hardly audibly and shook his head with a sigh, his lips pressed tightly together. Then he closed both arms around Russell to pull him close.

“Hey.” He tightened his hold. “Hey. It’s okay. It’s okay, I was angry, I told you off, you’re sorry, it’s over, okay? It’s over.”  
“Danny...” Muffled by Danny’s shirt it sounded more like a whine.  
“It’s okay, Russ. It really is. I’m not going to dump you because of this. Just calm down. Just breathe.” Danny lifted one hand and buried his fingers into Russell’s hair. “It’s okay,” he said while toying with the golden curls. “It’s okay. Calm down. Calm down, nothing’s gonna happen. It’s okay, I’m here. I’m here for you, and I’m not angry anymore.”

Technically, Danny was doing what Anders had told him to do if Russell should ever have another nightmare. But it had the desired effect, and Russell didn’t go under this time. He eventually managed to clamp his arms around Danny’s chest and held on for dear life.

“I’m sorry...” He whispered again, and Danny pressed his cheek into Russell’s hair.  
“Shh... it’s okay. You’re forgiven. Stop apologizing. I’m not mad anymore. Just calm down. It’s okay.” He kissed the top of Russell’s head. “It’s okay, Russ. We’re good. Come on, look at me. Please look at me.”

With great effort, Russell managed to peel his face out of Danny’s shoulder. Danny rested one hand on his cheek, the other arm still firmly around Russell’s middle. 

Russell just gave him a desolate stare. “I’m such a stupid fucking asshole...”  
“No you’re not.”  
“Fucking it up like that and hurting you and...”  
“We’re not going to talk about that again.”  
“And then after I fuck up I key myself up into totally losing my shit while you... God, I’m such a freak...”  
“Bullshit.” Danny ran his thumb across Russell’s cheekbone.  
“I just... I’ve just got all those fucking issues... what do you even want with me? I just...”  
“Russell, come on...”  
“You could so much better than this and...”  
“Dude...”  
“...I even triggered myself just now. I’m just a pathetic...”  
“Russ...”  
“...a totally pathetic freak...”  
“Russell, for fuck’s sake.”

Russell finally met his eyes. “No, I’m... I’ve been in therapy for years and I still...”  
“You couldn’t get rid of those issues, I get it.” Danny was still caressing Russell’s cheek with his thumb. “You told me that before. And that it’s because you’ve been abused as a kid. I just... and I just wish I could go and strangle whomever it was that did this to you. So yeah... you’ve got scars. And... and scars sometimes hurt.”

A single tear trickled down Russell’s cheek. Danny brushed it away with his thumb. 

“Yeah, so you got issues. So do I. Show me one person who doesn’t have issues.”  
“But...”  
“It’s not your fault you’ve been dealt so much shit as a kid. It’s not your fault you’ve got the scars to prove it. And that’s my whole point.” Danny sighed with a trace of a smile. “This is what you are. And no, I couldn’t do any better because I have exactly what I want.”

Russell swallowed hard and shook his head. “And how long until you can’t stand these freak-outs anymore?”  
Danny lowered his eyelids. “I’m in the mood to find out.”

They looked at each other in silence.

“God Danny... How can I possibly deserve you?”  
“No idea,” Danny gave back with a small smirk. “You must’ve been really high on the naughty-list.”

Russell blinked twice and then couldn’t help but snort. 

Danny smiled as well, and Russell shook his head again while cautiously lifting his hand to touch Danny’s cheek. Danny leaned into the touch and placed a kiss into Russell’s palm.

Their eyes met again, and after a moment Danny lowered his head and pulled Russell into a kiss.

* * *

In the end more than an hour had passed when Russ and Danny came back to the fire pit. The others looked up when they approached, with Danny’s arm draped around Russell’s shoulder and Russell’s arm around Danny’s hip. They all smiled, apart from Emma who narrowed her eyes. She clearly picked up on Russell’s state even if he had splashed some cold water into his face and they each had a beer in their free hand.

Craig put his bass down and got up.

“Yeah, so...” He began. “Emma just gave me The Talk. So... no worries, right? I’m as straight as a flagpole.”  
Danny smiled crookedly. “Yeah.... thanks for that. But that wasn’t the issue.”  
“Uh?”  
“I managed to... I managed to make Danny feel left out,” Russell said. “I was talking as if it was all about me, and it’s not. Since we met it was our dream, you know? Our band. And here I was just running off at the mouth and acted as if Danny wasn’t more than my sidekick.”  
Craig rubbed a hand across the back of his neck and then smoothed back his hair before shoving both hands into his pockets. “Right... uh, okay. Sorry about that. So I guess the venture is off, then?”  
Russell gave him a smile. “No.” He and Danny exchanged a look. “No, why should it? I just gotta do this again, and this time I’ll be doing it right.”

Russell let go of Danny and held out his hand. “Craig, that’s Danny, he’s my better half and our drummer.”  
“Hey, Danny. Craig O’Connor. I’m the bass man.”  
Danny held out his hand. “Nice to meet you. You any good?”  
“As good as you, mate.” Craig took the offered hand in a firm grip. 

They both had to grin. 

“So you really want to join this collection of dysfunctional weirdos?” Danny asked and draped his arm around his boyfriend again.  
“Dysfunctional weirdos?” Craig lifted his hands. “I feel right at home already.”  
“Great. Welcome aboard.”

“Say...” Craig asked after they had all settled down around the fire again. He picked up his guitar and Russell did the same. “Do you have a name already?”  
“We do.” Russell plucked a chord and looked at Danny who smiled back.  
“Something Viking, I guess?”  
“You bet.” Danny crossed his legs. “Jormungand. As in, the Midgard Serpent.”  
“Cool.” Craig narrowed his eyes and stared into the empty air. “I like that.”

Emma lifted her bottle. “To Jormungand!!”  
The others lifted their bottles as well. “To Jormungand,” they echoed.

Several people in the vicinity gave them funny looks.

“It’s really going to happen, isn’t it?” Russell asked as he stared into the fire.  
“Of course it is.” Danny leaned closer and kissed his temple. “And next year we’re on stage at the festival.”

Russell dropped his head onto Danny’s shoulder, closed his eyes and breathed in the smell of the fire and Danny’s scent. He could hear Danny’s heartbeat, a strong and steady rhythm, and he suddenly felt grounded again and felt his calm and confidence return.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are having issues with their fathers, though in one case it’s much worse than just being annoyed.

Having used Russell as a confidant Anders had hidden Seona’s birthday present away in his wardrobe as he hadn’t wanted to risk her coming across it if he had hid it in his own. But since Seona had no reason whatsoever to go into Russell’s room, and even less his wardrobe, the present had been nice and safe, even if Russell had been left in the dark about what exactly was in that large package.

He hadn’t asked. He probably rather wouldn’t know anyway.

Seona hated birthday parties, but the Johnson Clan wouldn’t hear of it. They compromised though, and made the party an afternoon one with cakes and coffee instead of a barbeque with drinks long into the night. 

Which, to be honest, suited Anders just fine, since his present was something he’d rather present Seona with in a bit more privacy. To distract her and everyone else, he had bought her a nice bracelet, gold with a few tiny emeralds, and while it was expensive and tasteful and suited her really well, it wasn’t the real present. He didn’t tell her that, of course. Not until they were alone again. 

Russell had made himself rare lately; he was drowning in assignments and papers to hand in, and Anders sometimes felt as if his son was taking on much more than he was able to chew. On the other hand, Danny was making himself even rarer, and if Russell chose studying instead of other, less productive activities to distract himself from his lack of boyfriend Anders wouldn’t complain. 

Not that he didn’t feel sorry for Russell. He and Danny had been an item for more than a year and a half now, and before they had started uni in February, they had spent every free minute together, either alone or with other friends. They still spent every free minute together; it was just that free minutes were becoming increasingly scarce, especially on Danny’s side. 

So Anders felt more than sorry for his son whose door was already shut, with no light spilling out from under it, when he went upstairs to get Seona’s present ready. He had unearthed it from Russell’s wardrobe that morning and hidden it under his bed, and now the moment had come he had been looking forward to for weeks. 

Seona had followed him upstairs and vanished into the en-suite. Anders grinned to himself, ignoring the flutter of nervousness in his stomach. 

He cautiously knocked on the bathroom door. “Seona, babe?”  
“Can I please have a shit in peace?”  
“Sometimes there’s not a shred of romance in your body.”  
“Ye’re expecting romance when I’m using the bog, ye fud?”  
Anders cleared his throat. “Not on your side, anyway. I just wanted to ask you not to come out until I say so.”  
“Okay...?”  
“Trust me.”  
“Hah!”  
“It’s another birthday present.”  
“I don’t want presents!”  
“You do. Trust me.”  
“All right, then. Go ahead!”

Anders went ahead. He was grinning smugly to himself as he imagined Seona’s facial expression. Or at least what he hoped would be her facial expression. 

Just the day before they had had an argument, one of those stupid things that start with a minor off-hand remark, and suddenly they were yelling at each other, or rather, Seona was yelling and Anders was snarling back. She had honest to goodness spent the night in the guest room, but both of them had been putting on a bright face all day, their anger cooled off but both not quite in each other’s good books again. 

Anders hoped that this would take care of it. 

He looked at himself in the floor-length mirror on the inside of the wardrobe door. Turned this way and that, tugged here, and tugged there. The toilet flushed, and Anders rolled his shoulders and shut the door. He sorted through his hair one last time and took a deep breath. 

“Ready!”

The bathroom door opened and Seona stepped out, arms crossed and a ‘have-at-you’-expression on her face. It took her a second to realise what she was looking at. 

Her eyes widened almost comically and her mouth fell open. 

Arms akimbo, Anders met her eyes and gave her the dirtiest smirk he had.

“Anders...”  
“Babe?”

She cautiously stepped closer. 

“Anders?”  
“Happy birthday.” Anders’s smile softened. “And sorry for... you know. Yesterday.”  
“Oh...” She bit her lower lip. “I... well...”  
“Am I forgiven?” The smile was now accompanied with puppy eyes.  
“Uh...” 

Seona still hadn’t put herself together again. She slowly walked around him and stopped, looking at his back. 

“Johnson?” She chuckled breathlessly. “You had that custom made?”  
“For you, babe. Only for you.”  
“For me?”  
“Your birthday present.”  
“The jersey?”  
“And its contents.”  
“And what about...”  
“The kilt?”

Anders turned around again, the black kilt swinging around his legs. It was a bit draughty, to be honest, and he wasn’t quite sure yet if it was pleasant or not, to have the lads dangling freely as they pleased, but what was pleasant was Seona’s facial expression. Even better than he had hoped for. 

Seona stepped closer, looking at him with lowered eyelids. She rested her arms on his shoulders and crossed her hands behind his head before biting her lower lip. 

“So...” She said in a purr. “My present?”  
“Your present.”  
“You’re impossible, you know that?”  
“Impossible...” Anders gave back with a smirk, “...is not part of my vocabulary, babe.”

Seona’s eyelids lowered even more and her lower lip protruded the tiniest bit now in an adorable and ridiculously sexy pout before she stepped back. 

“Hey!” Anders crossed his arms. “Not even a kiss?”  
“A kiss?” Seona shook her head and licked her lips. “Got more important things to do now.”

Before Anders could even think of a retort, Seona was on her knees. Her head vanished under the kilt as her hands closed around his thighs, and Anders dropped his head back with a breathless chuckle that turned into a moan. 

She left him precious little time to retaliate after that, and before long they were both on the bed again, naked and coming down from the high of a very hot and satisfying 69. Now Anders had taken the kilt off again as he didn’t want to crumple it, and with their legs entwined they exchanged a few lazy kisses. 

“Anders...” Seona’s voice was a husky whisper.  
“Hm?”  
“Have I ever told you what an amazing ass you have?”  
“Several times,” Anders replied with a soft laugh. “But I sure as fuck never get tired of hearing it.”  
Her fingers dug into his ass cheeks. “I just want to play with it,” she purred.  
“Go ahead.” Then he faltered. “Hang on... what exactly do you mean with play?”

Seona nibbled his earlobe. “Playing innocent?”  
“It would be rather ridiculous if I did.”  
“Exactly.”  
“I’m just rather backdoor shy and I prefer not to.”  
“Have you ever tried?”  
“No. I don’t like it.”

Seona propped herself up onto one elbow.

“But it you haven’t tried it...” she began cautiously. “How would you know if you like it?”  
Anders opened his mouth and couldn’t think of something smart to reply.  
“I mean, I won’t force you, but what if you do like it?”

Anders closed his mouth again. One of Seona’s fingernails was trailing up and down the inside of his thigh and impairing his concentration which broke completely when that fingernail ghosted across his balls and then his perineum. It didn’t venture further, but it was enough for Anders to cave in. What indeed if he discovered he liked it? Not that he could imagine himself doing so. But Seona was right, and you’re never too old to try something new...

Anders felt himself become more nervous than he had any right to at his age and level of experience when he came back into the bedroom with a bottle of lube, but Seona’s hands and her lips quickly made him relax again. 

He really wasn’t sure what to think or feel at first, but the one thing he was good at was to go with the flow. He relaxed, closed his eyes, and focussed on Seona’s other hand around his dick.

It was then that she introduced him to his prostrate.

* * *

For once, Anders wasn’t the first to leave the bedroom the next morning. He opened the door with a jaw-cracking yawn and almost lost his balance after rather viciously stubbing his toe. He looked down and his curse got stuck in his throat. 

He stared at the vacuum cleaner for a moment in abject horror. 

“Oh for fuck’s sake...”

Behind him, Seona was laughing so hard she was in tears.

* * *

* * *

Russell had left the house after a rather quick breakfast and a single coffee, not quite ready to face his father after last night. Though he had, admittedly, taken some perverse enjoyment out of placing the vacuum cleaner in front of his father’s bedroom door. 

He bought a few doughnuts and called Emma who was usually up early too, and the two of them had breakfast together before heading to Albert Park to meet the others. 

They found Craig at their usual spot, sitting on the grass next to his guitar case and with a paper cup of coffee, but Danny seemed to be running late. 

And when he finally showed up it was clear that despite it being not even noon yet, his day hadn’t been a good one. 

“Danny?” Russell gave him a rather worried look as his boyfriend sat down into the grass next to him.  
“Fuck my life,” Danny said darkly.  
“What the fuck?”  
Danny shrugged. “Dad’s acting up again.”

The other three exchanged a few worried glances with each other.

“It’s like...” Danny pulled up his knees and slung his arms around them. “Every time I think he’s come around I say something wrong and we’re back to square one again.”  
“What the fuck was it this time?” Russell rested a hand on Danny’s shoulder.  
“Apparently I don’t focus enough on my studies if I take the time at weekends to...” He grimaced. “I quote: Meet with those friends of yours to make what doesn’t deserve to be called music.”  
“Oh come on!” Russell shook his head and stared at the sky for a moment. “Seriously?”

Danny dropped his head. “Seriously. The sessions’ cancelled. My Dad wants some peace and quiet this particular Saturday, apparently.”  
“Again?” Emma punched the grass. “Oh for fuck’s sake...”  
“And what now?” Craig took a sip of his coffee.”  
Danny looked up again. “Fuck if I know.”  
“Gonna be a bit difficult getting up and running for the concert at...”  
“Don’t I know that?” Danny snapped back. “You think I enjoy letting you down like this?”  
“No.” Craig pressed his lips together for a moment. “Sorry. Of course not.”

“Hey.” Russell draped an arm around Danny’s shoulders. “We have enough time.”  
“No, we don’t, and you know that.” Danny looked up again, his face taut. “If Dad locks down the weekends then that’s it. We can’t practise on weekdays.”  
“I know.” Russell tightened his hold. “I wish I could do something.”

The four of them sat in silence for a while. 

“So we need some sort of studio or practice room,” Craig finally said.  
“No shit, Sherlock.”  
“Hey Danny, it’s not my fault either.”  
“No.” Danny buried his face into his forearms. “Sorry.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” Russell angrily huffed out a breath. “Why?”  
Danny just shrugged.  
“I know.” Russell nudged Danny’s temple with his forehead. “I wish we could just go and get our own place together.”  
“Rents are fucking tough.” Craig stretched out his legs before him.  
“Yeah.” Russell shrugged. “Both our fathers are successful business owners and with the latest cut backs two years ago student allowance just isn’t enough even if we throw in together.”  
“Hm.” Craig looked into his cup. 

Craig was a mechanic, he had a solid day time job with solid pay, but he too lived together with two mates because of the ridiculous rents in Auckland. Emma had a tiny one bedroom apartment which was all she needed; she never wanted to go to uni and worked full-time at a travel agency. She was happy with her job and had no desire to waste time and energy on a higher education she didn’t want and didn’t need.

“And I could work part-time, and my dad would never leave me just hanging and he’d support me,” Russell went on. “But Danny’s worried that having to work as well will affect his grades.”  
“Totally get that,” Craig replied. “So... Maybe we have to put the project on ice until...”  
“No, you don’t have to do that,” Danny said without looking up. “You just get yourself another drummer.”  
“Danny!” Russell elbowed him in the ribs.  
“One you can rely on for practise hours.” Danny gently pushed Russell away and got up. “I’m so fucking sick of this shit and letting you down all the fucking time.”

“Danny!” Russell hastily got up as well and took a hold of Danny’s sleeve. “Don’t just fuck off like that!”  
Danny looked at his boyfriend with a sigh. “Sorry, Russ. I just can’t handle this right now.”  
“But your Dad can’t just...”  
“He can.” Danny nodded with an unhappy smile. “He can. I live in his house. His house, his rules. And since I can’t just move out and still go to uni I’m stuck.”  
“But he...”  
“I need those grades, Russell. I can’t just knock this together between working hours.”  
“I know, but...”  
“Russell... not everyone is as lucky as you are in the father department.” Danny ran both hands through his hair.  
“But why can’t he at least understand how important this all is to you?”

Danny shrugged. “He gets the uni bit all right, but he doesn’t think I should waste my time making dumb noise.”  
“Dumb noise!” Russell gritted his teeth and snorted. “Why did he buy you that drum kit in the first place?”  
“I asked him that too.” Danny shrugged again. “He said it’s one of the biggest regrets of his life. Mum told him off for that and told him that at least while I was playing I couldn’t fall in with the wrong crowd and do stupid shit and he shut up, but I know if I would ever... for whatever reason... get rid of my kit, he’d do a happy dance.”  
“Can’t imagine that what with the massive stick up his ass,” Russell said with a deep frown.  
“That stick up his ass is the size of the fucking Dublin Spire.” Danny shook his head. “But what the fuck. He’s got more pull here.”

They looked at each other in miserable silence.

“It’s not fair,” Russell said and was fully aware that he sounded like a petulant child.  
“No, fair’s where you go for cotton candy and a merry-go-round,” Danny gave back bitterly. “Fuck my life.”  
“You think it would help if I talk to your parents about...”  
Danny spun around. “The fuck you will!”  
“But Danny...”  
“No! No, you will absolutely NOT talk to my dad! Not about uni, not about you and me, and least of all the drum kit!”  
“But I just...”  
“No, you’re not!” Danny was visibly forcing himself not to yell. “You are not helping. You are keeping out of that, Russ.”  
“For fuck’s sake! I want to help you!”  
“You can’t!” Danny took a step back. “You can’t. Russ... I appreciate it, I really do. But... fuck.” He turned away again. “I just... I need to be alone. Sorry.”

Russell watched him go and sat down again with a heavy sigh. Emma got up and sat down again next to him. 

“What am I gonna do, Emma?”  
“Fuck if I know.” She draped an arm around him. “Fuck if I know.”

Russell plucked a few blades of grass and shredded them between his fingers.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good intentions and being his father's son turn out to be a very bad combination.

The Saturday evening Russell had told him about Danny’s father was the first time in fuck knows how many years that Anders desperately wished he still had the Bragi voice, or at least could have it back. Just for a day. An hour. Just to knock some sense into that man’s head. 

Russell went through the following week in a dark and gloomy mood, but neither Anders nor Seona blamed him for his waspishness and tried to keep out of his way. 

However, Russell’s mood was decidedly better on Friday evening when he came home, and he left the house rather cheerfully on Saturday mid-morning to meet with his friends for another session; a session that would hopefully happen this time. 

He picked up Emma and they met up with Craig in Albert Park again. Russell had bought coffee and doughnuts and now they were waiting for Danny. 

They didn’t have to wait for long. When they saw him Russell got up, but the smile on his face died when Danny approached.

He was fuming. 

“Danny?” Russell’s voice was trembling ever so slightly.  
“You stupid fucker!” Danny’s voice was as harsh as broken glass. “What the everliving fuck have you been thinking?!”  
“Danny...”  
“Do you have any fucking idea what you did?”

Russell licked his lips and behind him, Emma and Craig exchanged a wide-eyed, worried look. 

“He didn’t,” Craig whispered.  
“Looks like he did,” Emma whispered back. “The stupid dickbrain...”

Danny dug both his hands in his hair, and by the look of it had done so several times already. 

“Danny, I...”  
“Fuck you!” Danny dropped his hands again. “Why? Why the fuck did you have to do that? Why?”  
“I wanted to help you!”  
“Help?” Danny snorted. “Help? Seriously? How exactly would doing something I specifically asked you not to do help me in any fucking way?”  
“Danny...”  
“Because you don’t have the slightest fucking clue about this! You just show up at my parents’ place when I’m not home and give them all that shit about passion and how it’s my life and shit and... Fuck you!” 

Russell stared at him with parted lips while Danny dragged both hands down his face. 

“Why? Russell, why? I told you not to do that!”  
“Because I thought... Someone had to stand up to him because he can’t...”  
“Stand up to him?” Danny’s voice rose again. “Because I’m too much of a dickless wimp to do that myself?”  
“That wasn’t what...”  
“If it wasn’t, then why the fuck did you do it? Do you have any idea what you did to my life?”  
“But he was being so...”  
“Yeah, sure! My dad knows when to be diplomatic, as opposed to you, apparently!!”

Russell faltered and was desperately groping for words. 

“And why did you think you know better than me how to handle my own father? You entitled little brat whose dad just keeps shoving money up your ass and wraps you in cotton wool! And then you just go and shove all the shit into my father’s face that I never talk about! And you know what? I didn’t do that for a reason! The reason that my dad is an uptight conservative with his head up his ass! And now you’ve gone and ruined every truce I had with him!”

“Danny...” It was no more than a whisper.

“You had no right, no fucking right whatsoever, to tell him any of that!” Danny’s voice was breaking. “What do you think happens now that you’ve gone and told him all the things I didn’t tell him for the sake of peace in the house, huh?”

Russell swallowed drily.

“Of course I’m my own man, he said! By all means, he’s not forcing me to stay in his house! I’m free to leave any time I want! But I can’t, and you know that, and I know that, and he fucking knows it too! And now I’ve got two choices, Russ: Dropping out of uni and getting a fucking lowbrow job again or stay with my parents to be able to finish this! Good fucking luck managing to be my own man and stand up for myself while having to live in my dad’s house and living off his fucking money! You broke it, Russ! You fucking broke everything! You ruined what peace I had with my father and with doing that you confirmed his every prejudice about me being in a same-sex relationship! You made me look like a fucking pansy without the balls to open his mouth and speak his mind! You effectively emasculated me in my own father’s eyes! Because you fucking fucktard thought you know better than I do how to talk to _my_ father!”

Russell blinked a few times, unable to move or even think. 

“You ruined fucking everything! Because now I can choose between grovelling so he tolerates me or act like a man but ON HIS FUCKING TERMS!” Danny’s voice finally broke, and tears of fury spilled out of his eyes. He slammed one palm against his chest. “This! This is who I am! Who I want to be! And you have no idea what I’ve been through in the past years to have him even superficially accept me and now he came to realise that he’s been too lenient with me and... and he wasn’t even angry, Russ! He was disappointed! Disappointed he failed in bringing me up to be a good man! Because turns out I’m just a clueless, spineless eunuch! I lost all respect he had for me even if it wasn’t much to start with!”

Danny took a step back, shaking his head, and wiped a hand across his eyes.

“You just ruined my life, Russ! You fucking ruined it! Because you know what else? As a man in my own right I have to act like one and take responsibility, right? Means paying back my dad the money I owe him that I had to borrow to keep my car on the road! And the only way I can get that much money on short notice? Sell the one thing that’s worth enough to cover that amount!”

“Danny, no...” Russell’s voice was raw with terror.

“So yeah, good fucking riddance! Go get yourself another drummer because I’m no fucking drummer anymore! I’m fucking nothing anymore thanks to you!”

With that he shrugged the leather coat off his shoulders and threw it at Russell who caught it by sheer reflex.

“Here, hold on to that as a keepsake! I don’t fucking need it anymore! And now I’m going to get a haircut and see if I can fix things with my folks because I’m not going to lose another dream because of you!” 

With that, Danny turned around and walked away while wiping a hand across his eyes. 

“Danny...”

He spun around again. 

“Fuck you! Fuck you for ruining my life! Fuck off and leave me alone! I never want to see your fucking face again!”

The coat slid out of Russell’s nerveless, lifeless fingers as he stood there watching Danny storm off. Emma stepped beside him and picked it up. 

“I didn’t know part of your last assignment was a full frontal lobotomy.”

Russell shuddered and slowly, brought one hand up to cover his mouth. 

Craig got up as well. “It... uh... It can’t be that bad, can it?”  
Emma shrugged. “And even if only half of what he said is actually the case and not his anger and stress speaking it’s still more than enough to ruin his life, at least temporarily.”

Russell was still staring into the direction Danny had vanished and his eyes spilled over. Within moments, tears were streaming down his cheeks but he couldn’t even make a sound. 

“Right,” Emma said after a moment with a heavy sigh. “That’s that, then. Come on, Russ, give Craig your keys and we get you home.”

Russell dug into a pocket of his jeans and wordlessly held out his keys. Craig took them and, with a shrug, followed Emma who steered Russell away. He didn’t resist. He still didn’t make a sound. 

Emma followed Russell’s green estate in her own car and while Craig flopped down in the passenger seat after parking Russell’s car in the driveway, Emma accompanied Russell to the door. Instead of fumbling around with an unfamiliar key ring she rang the doorbell, and Anders’s confused frown upon seeing his son and Emma use the doorbell instead of just unlocking the door immediately turned into an expression of dismayed worry. 

“The fuck happened to you, Russ?”  
“He fucked up big time,” Emma said curtly. “And honestly, if you ask me, he deserves everything that’s coming for him from here.”

Anders stared open-mouthed back and forth between the two. 

“So, nice weekend.” Emma shrugged and gave Russell a glare. “Well done.”

With that, she left, crossed the road and got back into her car without looking back. Anders watched her car vanish around the corner and then looked at his son again.

“I’m almost afraid to ask.”  
Russell looked at him and shrugged. “I fucked up,” he replied in a whisper.  
“I got that,” Anders said cautiously. “Come on in.”

Russell took off his shoes and Anders steered him into the living room, exchanging a helpless shrug with Seona who stood in the kitchen and waited for her tea to steep. Once Russell had been deposited on a sofa, Anders sat down next to him. 

“It doesn’t look as if you want to talk about it, but it definitely looks like you should.”

Staring at his feet, Russell shrugged. Anders waited. The only sound was the humming and gurgling of the coffee maker coming from the kitchen. 

“I fucked up,” Russell finally whispered. “I fucked up, and Danny broke up with me because I fucked up so hard I can’t even...”  
Anders couldn’t believe his ears and had to force himself to keep his voice calm. “Danny broke up with you?”  
Russell nodded, still staring at his feet.

A dark premonition began to dawn on Anders and he cleared his throat. 

“You did the thing.”  
Russell dropped his head.  
“You’re kidding me.”

Russell had told him about what happened and also that he thought he needed to talk to Danny’s parents. He had also told Anders that Danny had told him not to do that, but had apparently decided it was the only way to go, Danny’s consent, or the lack thereof, be damned. 

And expectedly, that hadn’t gone down well. 

“For fuck’s sake, Russell...” Anders shook his head. “I can’t believe you thought... you’re not fucking Bragi anymore, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

A tear fell from Russell’s chin and landed on his thigh, leaving a small wet spot on his jeans. It was joined by another, and then another one. 

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” Anders ran both hands through his hair. “I thought you were cleverer than that.”

Russell curled forward and hunched his shoulders, his only sound a low and suffocated sob. 

And at that moment, Anders realised what he was doing. 

Russell was far from stupid, even if he had made the most stupid mistake he could have made. He knew perfectly well that he had fucked it up royally, and he knew perfectly well that the hell he was just being put through was of his own making. He had fucked it up, and now he was paying the price. He had lost the man he loved and had only himself to blame.

He didn’t need someone to remind him of it. He didn’t need anyone to rub more salt into his wounds. So Anders took a deep breath and moved closer to his son.

“Hey,” he said softly. “I’m sorry.”  
“Dad...” It was a sound so full of pain and agony that it broke Anders’s heart.  
“Come here,” he whispered, put both arms around his son and pulled him close.

And with a hoarse sob Russell fell against him, buried his face into his father’s shoulder and went completely and violently to pieces. Anders tightened his hold and only looked up when he heard steps in the doorframe.

Seona was holding two cups of coffee with a questioning expression, but Anders just shook his head. She nodded and left the two alone again. 

Eventually Russell had spent enough tears that he could, haltingly and interspersed with hoarse sobs, tell his father about what Danny had said. And while Anders was in no doubt about Danny’s father and his opinions, he firmly believed that, regarding the drum kit and the haircut, it wasn’t as bad as it seemed right now. Danny might be able to think of another solution once he had cooled off a bit. And even if that wouldn’t work out – well, a drum kit, even if he was emotionally attached to this one, could be replaced. Hair would grow back. 

What wasn’t so easily fixed, however, was the broken trust and the resentment that had destroyed their relationship. It was quite possible that this was final and it was gone for good. 

Anders tightened his hold again and pressed his cheek into Russell’s curls. And for once, he didn’t tell his son that it would be okay again as he was fully aware that most likely, it wouldn’t.

That evening, after Russell had dragged himself into his room and closed the door behind him, Anders went into the bathroom with a hard, cold knot in his stomach. But Russell was using a fancy high-end razor with replaceable heads where the blades were behind safety bars. He took most of the meds out of the cabinet and put them safely away in the en-suite of the master bedroom. 

Upon emerging from the bedroom again he and Seona exchanged a long, sad and worried look. They both were aware that if Russell really wanted to harm himself there was little to nothing they could do about it, but they also knew that Anders would never be able to forgive himself if it happened in his own home and Anders hadn’t done everything in his power to prevent it. 

Unable to find any rest after having been forced to listen to his son cry himself to sleep Anders went downstairs again with his laptop and equipped himself with coffee while pretending not to guard the kitchen knives.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get worse, but friends will be friends after all.

Russell spent the entire Sunday in bed with the curtains drawn and the lights switched off. Anders brought him some food a few times, but he always carried it away untouched. 

He was more worried than he cared to admit. He had dealt with flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks. He had his coping mechanisms and so had Russell, but this was something he was completely helpless against, and seeing his son so hurt broke his heart every time he looked at him. 

Not even the impact of the letter from April came remotely close to the agony Russell was in right now. Back then he had been hurt, true, but it had been mixed with anger and a deep feeling of betrayal. This time it was just an abyss of pain, and the worst bit was that it was his own fault. 

Russell dragged himself down the stairs on Monday morning, nibbled silently on a slice of dry toast for a minute and vanished out of the door without a single word. 

Seona sat down with her cup of tea and wiped her eyes. 

“Lord, have mercy on those two,” she muttered. “Why did that have to happen...”  
Anders stepped behind her and rested his hands on her shoulders. “Fuck if I know.” He looked out of the window and watched Russell’s car leave the driveway. “Russell will probably ask himself that for the rest of his life.”

Anders briefly wondered why Russell bothered with going to uni today, but on the other hand, sitting at home would most likely only make it worse. Not that he would take anything home with him today, and probably not for several weeks. It was August and still more than two months until the next examination period, but Anders had the feeling that Russell would be far from healed by then, although failing exams was the least of his worries right now. 

Then his birthday was coming up, and the prospect of having to celebrate his 20th birthday without his boyfriend had to be terrible. 

There had been plans about their first gig at a party at uni, end of the year celebration at the end of November. That wouldn’t happen now, either, unless they fixed this.   
Which wasn’t likely, by the way things looked right now. And if Danny really would have to sell his drum kit, it wouldn’t happen no matter what. 

Anders had to admit the immediate future looked very bleak at this point.

* * *

Russell dragged himself through the following week speaking hardly a word. Anders didn’t know how to handle him and let him have his silence, apart from occasionally trying to coax him to eat, with little to no success. 

It was Seona who cautiously approached him at one point on Saturday afternoon, suggesting he might play the piano for a while as that always used to calm his mind. 

But Russell just gave her a desolate stare, a single tear trickling down his cheek. “I will never make music with him again,” he whispered, his voice husky from the long time of disuse. 

Seona swallowed the lump in her throat and ran a hand through his hair, then pulled him in for a hug. It was the last time either of them mentioned music to him. 

Russell continued to be silent and withdrawn, and by now Anders’s sensitivity regarding nightly sounds of distress had returned, but maybe it had never really vanished. So now he left his bed every time he heard Russell cry at night and headed for his room, sat down on his bed and ran a hand up and down Russell’s back until he was able to uncurl and crawl into his father’s embrace.

And while it didn’t get decidedly better, eventually the nightly bouts of crying vanished again. 

Not that it made Anders feel better in any way.

The days crept by and turned into weeks. September came, and Russell failed an assignment and had to redo a paper. He passed in the second attempt, but barely so. 

But when Anders came home that Friday afternoon he found Russell curled up in a corner of the sofa, and he was crying his eyes out again. His phone was lying on the table, and on a hunch, Anders glanced at the screen. 

There was a string of messages Russell had sent to Danny, just begging Danny to let him talk to him, to apologize, to make up for it, to make amends. 

Every other line. 

_Danny please_

And one single reply at the very end.

_Just fuck off already_

Russell was devastated, understandably so. And Anders began to get the feeling that Danny might be overreacting a bit. He was completely in his right to be angry but after five weeks, was it still necessary to be so abrasive and not even acknowledge an apology? Not that it would change things, he didn’t even need to accept it, but just acknowledge it for the sake of what had been?

So maybe, as a father, he was biased. But how could the fact that Russell had had his back through the very first and all the following, smaller family crises not matter anymore? And how could helping him through the hard time after his Nana’s death suddenly count for nothing?

Anders talked to Seona about it that evening, and they both tried to look at things from Danny’s point of view. And she reminded him gently but firmly of their dream of having a band, of Danny’s passion about the drum kit.

“And I hate to say it, but a haircut is not just a haircut in this case,” she said with downcast eyes. “It’s not about a new hairstyle, it’s him having to change who he is. This isn’t him deciding that it’s time to move on to something new, to try a new style, a new look or a new him. It’s him forcing himself to become something he doesn’t want to be.”

Anders had no idea what to reply. The only thing he could think of was that they had had their fair share of non-consensual haircuts in this family, and in this case it wasn’t as insignificant as he had thought it would be. 

And of course this wasn’t about the haircut as such. That was just the tip of the iceberg of whatever else might be going on in Danny’s family, things that Russell was probably clear on, at least much more than Anders was. 

Anders slept very poorly that night and at one point he just left the bed so Seona could get some undisrupted sleep. He went downstairs but instead of taking his laptop or Kindle along, he just wrapped himself into a blanket on the sofa and stared into the silent darkness. 

It was long after midnight, probably around two in the morning, that Anders was awoken from a shallow doze by the sound of footsteps. He sat up and the blanket slid of his shoulders, the slightly cool air giving him goose bumps. He silently got up and listened to the footsteps heading for the kitchen. 

He could see Russell’s form outlined against the dim light of the street lamps coming through the windows on the other side of the room. He was hunched over, and his moves were slow and halting as he got himself a glass and filled it at the tap. He drank, and put the glass down into the sink. 

Anders cautiously stepped closer, his bare feet making no sound on the carpet. 

Russell had stood still as a statue for a few minutes before he moved again. Anders stepped closer with his heart dropping into his stomach as he watched Russell head for the back of the kitchen. 

“Russell,” he said softly as his son reached for the knife block. 

Russell almost jumped out of his skin and lost his balance. He fell against the worktop under the window and slid down until he was sitting on the floor. Anders was at his side in a heartbeat. 

“Russ...” He sat down and, ignoring the churning in his guts that was about to turn into a nausea, and put both arms around his son.  
“Dad...” Russell folded into his embrace, and Anders realised he could feel his ribs as he tightened his hold.   
“Russell. That’s no solution.”  
“I know.” It was just a whisper, hardly audible. “There isn’t one.”  
“Then why did you think this was a good idea?”

Russell didn’t reply. 

“Russell. Is your life really worth nothing anymore?”  
“It just hurts so much,” Russell replied in a suffocated whisper.  
“I know. Believe me, I can see how much it hurts, and it breaks my heart. I know you hurt because you lost him.”  
A low sob was the only answer Anders got.  
“Russ, please look at me.”

With great effort, Russell eventually managed to lift his head. 

“You hurt because you lost him. And I know that sounds terribly selfish, and maybe it is, but please don’t put me through the same thing with losing you.”  
Russell stared straight ahead with empty, hopeless eyes.  
“Please,” Anders said as gently as he could. “Give yourself a chance to heal.”

Russell closed his eyes and rested his head against Anders’s shoulder.

“I don’t understand,” he whispered after a moment. “I don’t get it why it still hurts that much. It’s been weeks and I still can’t... it just doesn’t stop. Why... I mean... I don’t even think I should be over it by now, but... but why can’t I even begin to... to feel as if I will be at one point? It doesn’t stop, Dad. It just doesn’t stop...”  
“You know why. Because you love him. And you can’t just stop loving someone.”  
“Danny could.” Russell swallowed hard.   
“I very much doubt that it’s that easy. He’s disappointed, yes, and he angry, or more like fucking furious, but I think he needs as long as you do to get over this.”  
“And it’s my fault.”  
“That’s the sad truth. I’m sorry.”  
“I just don’t deserve to live anymore.”

“I beg to differ, Russ.” Anders tightened his hold and forced his voice to stay calm. “You deserve to live as much as everyone else does.”  
“I don’t want to live like this.”  
“That’s a different pair of shoes. But if you off yourself now then not only will you leave the same hole in all our lives that Danny left in yours but you will never get the chance again to mend this.”  
“We can’t mend this, Dad.”  
“You don’t know that until you tried.”  
“I can’t even talk to him.”  
“Not at this moment.”

Russell’s voice was trembling with the forceful attempt to fight his tears. “He said he never wants to see my face again.”  
“Honestly... if Seona had done that to me I’d have said the same thing. But eventually... you know I’m sure that eventually, he comes to remember the good things you had. And then he’ll think about it, and if it’s maybe worth trying to get that back.”  
“Why would he?” Russell finally lifted his head and looked at his father for the first time in days. “Honestly, Dad, why would he? Why would he ever want to see me again after what I did to him?”  
“He might, because you didn’t do this to hurt him. But you know how the saying goes about good intentions.”

Anders had never seen a more literal example of someone having paved his own personal road to hell. He didn’t need to say that, though, he could see in Russell’s eyes that he was thinking the exact same thing. And he still had no idea what had possessed Russell to do what he had done. But then, the thought of dark elves or gods who thought they had a score to settle was too dangerous for Anders to entertain, too tempting the notion that his son was incapable of making mistakes. 

Which brought his thoughts back to his own biggest, most stupid mistake, back when he had thought...

_Oh for fuck’s sake..._

Back when he had thought that sleeping with his brother’s fiancé was the best way to convince both of them their marriage was a bad idea. Maybe he had been right, but strictly speaking, and even not so strictly speaking, it hadn’t really been his business, had it? And yet he had gone and done it, and had poisoned his already fragile relationship with his brother. Mike had needed more than fifteen years to forgive him for that. Not to mention what he had done to Val with that stunt.

Fucking hereditary traits. Couldn’t have Russell inherited something from someone else, just for a change?

Anders spent the rest of the night with his son in his arms, sitting on the kitchen floor and alternately cursing his own existence or begging the gods, if they cared to listen, to help his son to put things right again.

* * *

At one point in the very early morning Anders had managed to get Russell to bed, but he had just tip-toed into the bedroom and snuck out his phone and a pair of sweatpants before going downstairs again. 

Seona had taken one look at his face after coming down a few hours later, and had silently stepped behind him and slung both arms around him. Anders closed his eyes and leaned into her embrace, thankful beyond words to express it for having his own shoulder to lean on. 

“Did you spent the whole night down here like this again?”  
“More or less,” Anders replied and stared into his cup. “I couldn’t sleep and then I heard him come down and into the kitchen and...” He looked up and towards the kitchen, and Seona followed his eyes.

“Anders?” Her voice was trembling.  
“Hm?”  
“Where are...”  
“The knives?” Anders looked up at her and into her widening eyes. “In the living room, in the drinks cabinet.” Which was the only cupboard in the house that could be locked. “I have the key if you need one.”

Seona slowly sank into the chair next to him and closed her eyes. She slung both arms around Anders’s shoulders and pulled him close, and they sat in a tight embrace for a moment before Anders leaned back again. 

As Seona got up and carried his cup towards the coffee maker for a refill, Anders rested one elbow on the table and brushed the fingers of that hand across his chin, trying not to freak out. What on earth was he going to do now? Would he need to seek professional help for this? 

At that moment the doorbell rang. Anders got up and opened the door, and a large chunk of the weight on his shoulders was suddenly lifted.

“Is Russell home?” Emma asked.  
“He is.”  
Anders stepped aside and Emma came in.   
“Where is he? Upstairs?”  
He nodded. “His room, but he’s probably still asleep.”

Emma nodded, put her bag down and went upstairs. She knocked softly, and opened the door despite not having heard a reply. She silently closed the door again and looked at the still figure curled up on the bed. Then the figure moved, and Russell dragged a hand down his face.

“Emma?”  
“Sorry, did I wake you up?”  
Russell sat up. “Emma?” 

With a sigh, Emma walked over to the bed and sat down beside Russell. He looked at her for no longer than a second before he lowered his eyes again, but that second had been all that Emma needed to see what her friend was going through. Her eyes filling with tears she shook her head and pulled Russell close. 

Russell immediately burst into tears.

“Oh my god,” Emma whispered into his curls. “I’m sorry I stormed off on you like that... You poor baby...”  
“No, I’m not,” Russell sobbed. “I’m an idiot, and you were right, and I deserve this, and...”  
“Shhh.” Emma kissed the top of his head. “No, not anymore. It’s enough.”   
“Oh god Emma I’m so sorry...”  
“I know. I know you’re sorry. And I’m sure you tried telling him that, too, right?”  
“He doesn’t want to talk to me... he doesn’t answer my calls or my mails or messages, and I texted him yesterday begging him to let me apologize and he just said fuck off and now he’s probably blocked my number and...”

“Hey,” she interrupted him. “Hey. We set this right. I saw Danny last week and he looks like shit, just like you do, and we are going set this right. I’m not letting either of you go to pot because of this.”  
“Set what right?” Russell leaned back and looked up at her. “There’s nothing left, Emma.”  
She brushed a few curls off Russell’s cheek. “If there wasn’t, neither of you would be hurting like this.”

Russell closed his eyes again and let Emma embrace him. She kissed his forehead and rested her own against his.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is always darkest just before it gets pitch black, and now Russell is no longer the only one who has made a mistake.

Emma stayed the weekend and spent her time trying to build Russell up again, just a bit; she coaxed him into eating a bit here and there, she got him to take a shower and then spent almost an hour untangling and brushing his hair. She acted like the worst mother hen ever and Russell just endured it. 

She left again Sunday evening because she had to go to work the next day, but she promised Russell to keep in touch. And while Russell didn’t really feel any better, he looked less bad. Having his best friend back at his side had indeed built him up a tiny little bit. 

Maybe the worst was over now, even if it wouldn’t get better anytime soon, but Anders still wasn’t ready to let the knives stand unguarded in the kitchen just yet. 

And Emma being Emma, she didn’t waste any time. Monday afternoon Russell got a text from her, asking him to come to the university library. Russell knew that she had instigated something, and he knew she was trying to set up a meeting between him and Danny. 

It scared him shitless. He could hardly bring himself to get into his car, and he needed several long minutes to be able to leave the car again after parking it at Princess Street. He crossed the road feeling heavy and cold.

Heading towards the main entrance he spotted a group of people who looked vaguely familiar, and when he got closer he recognised them as some of Danny’s fellow students. 

He had his back to Russell, a dark blue plaid shirt and black jeans, his dark hair cut short at the back and slightly longer on top, swept to one side. Russell was fighting his tears and could hardly bring himself to take another step forward.

“Danny...?”

The face of the man after he turned around was one Russell had never seen before. He grinned at Russell and shook his head. “Sorry mate, wrong guy. Last time I’ve seen Danny he was somewhere over there.” He waved his hand into the general direction of the main entrance and the greens next to it. 

Russell forced out a smile that made the other man frown, and hastily spun around. He could hear the question but didn’t need to understand it to know that everyone wondered what the fuck the matter was.

Russell now headed for the main entrance and looked around until he spotted Emma, unmistakable with her green hair with turquoise highlights. He felt himself slow down even more, and just stopped at the corner of the building, staring out at the small groups of people sitting on the greens, laughing and chatting and drinking coffee and enjoying the nice spring weather. 

He leaned back against the wall and took out his phone. Moments later he could see Emma look at hers when she got the text, and she turned around and talked to someone Russell couldn’t see from this angle. He closed his eyes and listened, his heart hammering in his chest.

Footsteps approached, two people by the sound of it. He could hear Emma, and the man who answered her was...

Russell opened his eyes and pushed himself off the wall just as Emma and Danny rounded the corner. 

“Danny?”

He looked unfamiliar, but it wasn’t as bad as Russell had feared. He had cut off a good chunk of his hair but still had a ponytail, though that was now neatly trimmed at the bottom. He had also shaved his face completely and left only about two inches of the sideburns. 

Danny didn’t acknowledge Russell and gave Emma an angry glare. 

“You little snitch.”  
“What?” Emma crossed her arms.  
“Don’t you dare to tell me this was a fluke.” He pointed at Russell.  
“Of course it wasn’t. You need to talk.”  
“Like fuck I do.” Danny’s eyes darkened. 

“Danny, please...” Russell began after a moment.  
Danny faced him with a heavy sigh. “What.”

Emma retreated around the corner to give them some privacy. 

“Danny I...” Russell tried to calm his breathing. “I’m sorry...”  
“Yeah, you said so a million times, and a fat load of good that does me.”  
“But... Danny, I...”  
“Look, I don’t need your useless apologies. Dad and me talked and it took a few days but we figured it out. No thanks to you, though.”

Russell swallowed and bit his lips. 

“So yeah, maybe it could be better, but it could be much, much worse, and that’s it. I can do this, but you know, why can’t you just leave me alone?”  
“I...” Russell said after taking a deep breath. “I was just... I wanted to see if...”  
“If what?” Danny crossed his arms. “If we can go back to what we were before?”  
“No... I don’t... I don’t think that’s going to happen.” Russell blinked hastily to keep the tears from spilling over. “But I... I wanted to... to...”  
“To what?”

Being confronted Danny’s unforgiving attitude sat claws into Russell’s mind and his ability to talk deteriorated even more.

“I wanted... you see I... I know this is all my fault and I know we can’t... we can’t just fix this so I...”  
An exasperated sigh. “Just get to the point.”  
Russell hastily ran both hands through his hair. “I was just... it’s my fault and I don’t want you to... having to sell your...”  
“Well fucking brilliant timing of thinking about it because someone came to pick her up this morning.” Danny’s voice had a sharp edge to it.

Russell almost broke. 

“But...”  
“Yeah.” Danny’s face was set tight. “That’s it.”  
“But... do you think you can buy her back?”  
“What?”  
“I didn’t... Danny, I wanted... I was... I felt so shit about the drum kit and... I terminated my savings account Dad made for me and I wanted to...”  
Suddenly Danny’s face went white with fury. “Are you trying to buy me?”  
“What? No!” Russell hastily shook his head. “No I was...”  
Danny’s voice started to tremble. “You sorry pathetic fucker honestly thought you could buy me?”

“No!” Russell unconsciously took a small step back. “No I wasn’t! I was just... I wanted to...”  
“Yeah you only wanted to! You only ever just want to without thinking of anything else!”  
“I was trying to make up for it! You can pay me back and it doesn’t matter when! I just don’t want you to lose your baby!”

Danny dropped his backpack and Russell flinched. That was lost on Danny however who took another step forward. 

“I already lost her, you fucking twat!” He yelled. “She’s gone and your and your dad’s fucking money can’t bring her back and you can shove it up your ass, you fuckturd! What do you think you’re doing, huh? First fucking things up for me like that and the trying to buy yourself back into my good books?” He turned away and buried both hands in his hair.

Russell hunched his shoulders. “No, I... Danny...” His voice was trembling. 

“Fuck you!” Danny spun around and dropped his hands that were still curled into fists. 

Russell ducked back and threw up his arms to shield himself from the blow.

A blow that never came, of course. 

But now he could finally keep himself no longer together. He spun around and ran without thinking, through the narrow gap between the buildings, and almost got hit by a car while blindly running across Princess Street again. 

Emma had heard the yelling and came running too, but it was too late. She just saw Russell vanish and looked at Danny who had frozen, hands slowly uncurling and hanging at his side. He was staring into the direction Russell had vanished as if he had just woken up from a very bad dream.

“Danny!” Emma came to a halt and walked around him. “What the fuck did you do?”  
“Nothing,” Danny replied, his eyes widening. “Nothing! I didn’t hit him! I don’t hit people!” He finally dropped his hands fully and took a small step back. “Shit, I don’t fucking hit people, Emma!”  
“Maybe you don’t,” Emma replied slowly. “But it sure as fuck looked like you were going to.”

Danny slowly turned his head to look at her. His fury had vanished and was now replaced by confusion and something close to fear.

“I don’t hit people,” he said again, his voice scratchy. “I don’t do that.”  
“I know. And I’m sure that technically, Russ knows it, too. But if that didn’t trigger one the worst panic attacks any of us can imagine I’ll eat my lipsticks.” Emma’s voice was cold as ice. 

“I scared him...” Danny swallowed and looked into the direction where Russell had vanished. “I...”  
“No.”  
Danny looked back to Emma.  
“You didn’t scare him, Danny. You fucking terrified him.”

Both of them stared ahead, through the gap between buildings and at the car rushing past on Princess Street. Danny was shaking his head in fruitless denial.

Finally, Emma shook her head with a hard and heavy sigh. “Okay. Okay, that’s it. If there had ever been a chance to fix it, then this was it.”

“He’s scared of me,” Danny whispered after a moment.  
“I’d be surprised if he isn’t.”  
“But...” Danny shook his head again, his lips parted and his eyes wide. “He can’t be scared of me...”  
“Then maybe you should’ve made an effort in keeping your cool. I was hoping you could at least be civilised about this. He really only wanted to make amends.”  
“I don’t want him to be scared of me...”  
“Well he fucking is!” Emma snapped. “And if Anders hadn’t already been forced to lock kitchen knives away he’d probably have to do so now, you bloody lunkhead!”

Danny didn’t reply. He kept staring ahead and a visible shudder ran down his back. 

Emma kicked the wall with an angry growl and stormed off while cursing under her breath. 

It took Danny almost ten minutes until he was able to unfreeze himself. His movements slow and sluggish, as if he was underwater, he picked up his backpack and eventually, found his way to the bus stop. 

It wasn’t until he had flopped down in his seat that he suddenly had to fight his tears.

* * *

Russell made it to the car, but the fact that he had almost been run over was totally lost on him. His hands were shaking so badly he could hardly unlock the door, and when he was finally able to slam the door shut behind him he could only curl up with a sob. 

He was hyperventilating so hard he was about to suffocate but he was completely done for, and it was all he could do to keep himself from vomiting while he gripped the steering wheel so hard his fingers hurt. Eventually his heartbeat slowed down again, and with great effort he managed to get a hold of his phone. He had his father on speed dial. 

Anders was just about to close down a file and started thinking of calling it a day when his phone rang. 

“Russell?”  
_“Dad...”_ He could hardly talk.  
Anders was on his feet in an instant. “Shit, Russell where are you?”  
_“P...Princess...Princess Street...”_  
“Where?” He grabbed his keys. “You in traffic?”  
_“No... parked the car. In the c...car...”_  
“Hang on, Russ. I’m on my way.”

He stormed past Dawn without looking at her. Dawn didn’t need to know any more, though; she just shook her head with a sad frown and went to shut down Anders’s laptop.

Anders called Russell as soon as he was back in the car. 

_“Dad, where are you?”_ Anders could hardly recognise his own son’s voice.  
“I’m on my way, Russ. I’m in the car.” Blessed be the invention of the hands-free. “Hang on and keep breathing.”  
_“Dad...”_  
“Come on, breathe with me.” Anders forced his eyes on the road. “Come on, I can’t hear you. In through your mouth, out through the nose. And now in through the nose, out through your mouth.” Anders followed his own advice, not only because it was easier for Russell to mirror it but also because it had a calming effect on himself. 

He could hear Russell calm the tiniest bit, and it was enough to enable him to concentrate on traffic until he had reached Princess Street. He drove past the parked cars until he spotted Russell’s green estate, and unceremoniously pulled in behind him, effectively blocking three cars and narrowing the road. He didn’t care, and he had no intention to stay here any longer than it took to transfer Russell into his car anyway. 

Russell fell into the passenger’s seat with a sob, and after locking Russell’s car Anders had to fasten Russell’s seatbelt because his hands were shaking too hard. 

It was only a fifteen minute’s drive from Princess Street to Godden Crescent, but trying to keep his son from going under while simultaneously keeping his eyes on the road was no easy feat. More than once, Anders had to pull over and take one of Russell’s hands to break the downward spiral. 

Seona was already home when they staggered through the door and Anders thanked all deities that had brought them together. Having someone at his back in times like these was more than invaluable. She closed the door behind them and opened the living room door ahead, then swiftly switched on the coffee maker.

“Christ, what happened?”  
“I have no idea.” 

Anders guided Russell into the living room and wrapped him into a blanket. Seona followed them, eyes wide with worry. 

Russell grabbed the edges of the blanket, pulling it tight around him. “Dad...” he rasped.  
Anders took one of his hands. “It’s okay. Don’t talk yet. Don’t talk about it. I don’t have to know that yet. It’s all right. Calm down first.”

Seona sat down on Russell’s other side and took Russell’s other hand. It took him a while, but eventually Russell had calmed down enough to be able to talk.

“It’s... I met... I met with Danny at the... the library...”  
“Danny...” Anders looked up at Seona who bit her lower lip. “And... what happened?”  
“He...” Russell started trembling again. “He was angry... and I told him... I t...told him about the money and then... he got furious be...because he thought I w...wanted to b...buy him and...”  
“Stop. Russell...” Anders draped an arm around Russell’s shoulder and pulled him close. “Stop... Don’t go there yet, we’re gonna wait for that.”

“Russell?” Seona asked as softly as she could. “Was Emma there too?”  
Russell nodded.  
“Give me your phone, Anders.” Seona held out her hand. “I give her a call.”

Anders handed Seona his phone and she got up and headed towards the kitchen.

“Hey Emma... oh... I think so. Yes, I think you can.” She came back and held the phone out to Anders. “Here.”

Anders took the phone and inhaled slowly and deeply. “Emma?”  
_“Anders? Is he going to be okay?”_  
“He will be eventually. What the fuck happened?”  
_“Danny lost his shit and yelled at him and... well I wanted to give them some privacy so I wasn’t exactly around, but when I heard Danny yell I came back and I saw him...”_  
Anders inhaled sharply.  
_“No! No, Anders, Danny didn’t hit him. But he... he was furious, and his... how do I say this? His body language was really aggressive? Look, Danny doesn’t hit people, he is not that kind of guy, and...”_  
“Emma I know that. What happened?”

 _“As far as I know Russell thought Danny was going to hit him and he ran away. I went after him and found his car and he was inside but he looked so freaked out I didn’t want to knock on the window, so I waited. I waited for him to get better, but then you came and I knew it was going to be okay. I didn’t leave him alone, okay? He was just so freaked out I didn’t know how to approach him so I watched him.”_  
“Right.” Anders closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. “Is Danny finally happy about the turn of events?”  
_“No, he isn’t.”_ Emma sighed as well. _“When he was done freaking out because of Russell’s offer he realised what happened and then he freaked out because he realised Russell thought he was going to hit him.”_  
“And now?”  
_“Now?”_ Emma huffed out a breath. _“I have no clue what now. Now Russell’s screwed over in five different ways and Danny’s freaking out because he doesn’t want Russ to be scared of him...”_  
“After he did everything in his power to achieve that,” Anders cut in curtly.  
_“And now I have no idea what to do anymore.”_

Anders fell silent and Emma was silent as well. And then Russell slowly looked up.

His face was white and still wet with tears and sweat, and a few curls were plastered to his forehead and cheeks. He blinked a few times and then slowly shook his head.

“I’m not scared of Danny,” he whispered.  
“You’re not?” Anders narrowed his eyes.  
“No.” Russell shook his head again. “He... he scared me, and he... he triggered me... but I’m not scared of him.” Then he swallowed and raised his voice a little and looked at Anders’s phone. “Emma? You can tell Danny I’m not scared of him. I know... I know it’s over. And he doesn’t... he doesn’t want to talk to me, it’s... this is it. But you can tell him I’m not scared of him.”  
_“Russ?”_ Emma’s voice was trembling.  
“It’s okay. Or... it will be. I know it’s all my fault... But tell him that I’m not scared of him.”  
_“I will do that.”_ Emma seemed to hold back her tears. _“I’m sorry, baby...”_  
Russell shook his head as if he had temporarily forgotten that Emma couldn’t see him. “Don’t be. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. And... yeah. This is it.”

Closing his eyes, Russell leaned back and closed his eyes. He waited until Anders had said good bye to Emma and then got up, letting the blanket drop off his shoulders.

“I need a shower,” he said with his eyes closed. “And then I think I am going to bed.”  
“Russell...” Anders got up as well.  
Russell shrugged. “Do you think I should delete the pictures on my phone?”  
Anders exchanged a look with Seona. “I don’t know,” he said after a moment. “But I can do that for you if you want.”  
Russell dug into his pocket and handed his father his phone. “Thank you,” he said, and headed upstairs.

And Anders set to deleting all pictures of Russell and Danny from the phone, but not before transferring them to Seona’s laptop. While doing so they came across one that someone else, probably Emma, had taken at a party at a beach. 

It showed them in profile; Danny was sitting behind Russell with his arms around him and both were staring into the fire. It was a beautiful picture in its own right, the night around them and the light of the fire casting everything in dark blue and orange hues, but it was also a stark and painful reminder of what they had lost. Anders could totally understand why Russell wouldn’t want that anymore. 

Wipe the slate clean to be able to put it behind him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is always easier to forgive someone else than it is to forgive yourself.

By the look of it Russell hadn’t slept any better that night than during the weeks prior, but the bleak look of despair had vanished from his eyes.  
Anders should have been relieved about it, but for some reason, it made him feel sadder than he had been before. Maybe because now there was no denying it was truly over and that there was no chance of ever seeing his son and Danny together again. 

He considered praying, and maybe should have done so long ago, but he had no real idea which deity to address. Bragi? It was unlikely that poetry and songs could solve the problem. Maybe Frigg, goddess of marriage and family? She was Bragi’s mother, after all...  
But then, with a crooked smile, Anders realised that the best candidate in this case would probably be Sjofan. He hadn’t been on the best of terms with her vessel, exactly, but maybe for the sake of good old times she would listen. Too bad there was no gods of Knocking Sense Into Someone’s Head; he would have sacrificed horses, sheep and cows to them to prevent something like this from happening. 

Anders remembered praying to Bragi in a cold, dark hut in the Norwegian Fjells. Now he sat down on the sofa and, with the sunlight of an Auckland spring day falling through the windows of his living room, thought of a goddess who, in his mind, had the face of Michelle. 

“Sjofan, please... If there’s still a chance, please let them find it.” 

There was no answer, but maybe she would at least consider his plea.

* * *

Danny had managed to keep his facade for the rest of Monday, but didn’t fail to notice the odd looks his parents were giving him. But since feelings were things you don’t talk about, they left it at that. He crept upstairs and into his bed later that day with the events of the afternoon playing in his head like a bad movie. 

He wasn’t that kind of guy. He wasn’t. 

His phone rang but when he saw the caller ID he just cancelled the call. He couldn’t handle another harangue right now, as justified as it was. 

Sleep had a long time coming that night, with Russell’s terrified eyes haunting him into his dreams.

_He was cowering in a corner, those terrified eyes on Danny as if he was about to hit him._

_I won’t hit you, Danny wanted to say, but the words were stuck in his throat, he couldn’t say them. Instead he reached out, and Russell cowered back with a whimper._

_“I’m sorry... I’m sorry... I’m sorry...”_

_I won’t hurt you! I won’t! I won’t!! But his mouth was sealed shut._

_“I’m sorry... I’m sorry...”_

_He slowly went down, as if Russell was a scared animal, and then he realised that Russell wasn’t looking at him but at something – or someone – behind him. A shudder ran down his back, he went cold and fear began to coagulate in his stomach. It had to be his step-father, the man who had given him all those scars, and..._

_“No! No, please... I’m so sorry...”_

_I protect you, Russ! I will protect you!_

_“You can’t,” a low, rough voice behind him said._

_Danny turned around and looked into his own face._

_“You’re one of us now.”_

Jerking so violently he kicked the blanket out of the bed Danny woke up and needed a moment to get his bearings, his heart hammering in his chest. 

“No,” he whispered tonelessly as he thought of his dream. “Fuck, no... I’m not like that...”

But he was. To be angry was one thing, but to heap abuse on someone who...

“God, Russ...” Danny fell into the mattress and buried his face into his pillow with a sob. 

He didn’t sleep anymore that night.

* * *

Danny left home early the next morning and came home late; and he did the same on Wednesday in the hopes that his parents wouldn’t notice the state he was in. But if they did, they didn’t let on. 

He avoided his mates too, and although Emma called him several times during the next days he never answered. He knew he was being a pathetic coward, and he knew that ignoring her wouldn’t make it go away, but he just couldn’t bring himself to speak with her. 

He couldn’t focus on anything his lectures said, and he couldn’t make any sense of his notes later on. The only thing churning over and over again in his mind was Russell’s terrified face and his own shame about all those ugly things he had said to him. That, and Emma’s words about the knives.

The thought made him sick to the stomach and more than once he had to suppress the urge to heave when thinking about it. He tried to push those thoughts out of his mind, it was too terrible to think about it, but of course that was impossible. 

It got worse as the week progressed, and Thursday night Danny was finally unable to find any rest anymore. He kept tossing and turning in his bed, his own words playing over and over again in his head, and he wished he could carve out parts of his brain to be able to forget it. He had never felt such a loathing for anyone than what he felt for himself right now, and he wondered how he would be able to live with himself for the rest of his life. 

With the memory of Russell’s eyes the loss of his drum kit paled into utter, ridiculous insignificance, and he would have shattered and carved it into shreds and shaved his head and done anything else anyone would have demanded of him if he could only undo the damage he had done.

It was so late it was almost early again when he finally dozed off after all, his face buried into a damp, crumpled pillow.

_He knew he was too late, but he kept running. He didn’t know where he had to go, and he knew he had taken a few wrong turns and had to turn back, and his anxiety turned into panic because he knew he was too late._

_He burst through a door, and looked at a coffin. A white coffin, with a huge, beautiful bouquet of flowers. It was surrounded by people he recognised as Russell’s family. His panic turned into naked terror._

_He was rooted to the spot, however; after running like mad he now couldn’t move a limb anymore. They picked up the coffin and carried it past him, and then he saw droplets of blood hit the floor. The white coffin left a trail of dark, crimson spots in its wake._

_“Stop!” He screamed. “Stop! Don’t... you can’t bury him! He’s not dead! He’s still bleeding!”_

_He was still bleeding. They couldn’t bury him if he was still bleeding! Danny tried to run, but he could hardly move. Agonizingly slow, as if the air around him was old chewing gum, he followed the coffin and the trail of crimson droplets._

_He finally looked into the open grave._

_“He’s still bleeding,” he screamed. “He’s still bleeding! You can’t bury him!”_

_He jumped into the grave and tore the lid off the coffin._

_It was filled with blood, just sloshing around. The coffin was filled with blood._

_“There’s nothing left,” he heard Anders’s voice behind him._

_Danny lost his balance and fell forward, right into the coffin filled with blood._

He fell out of the bed with a scream and barely managed to scramble to his feet again. He made it into the bathroom just in time and threw up so violently his whole body hurt.

He ended up cowering on the floor with his back against the wall, sobbing and heaving and wishing someone would put him out of his misery while simultaneously knowing that he deserved everything and that what he had done to Russell was much, much worse.

Someone knelt down next to him, and a cool, moist cloth touched his face.

“You should stay home tomorrow,” his mother said gently, the worry in her voice unmasked.

Danny closed his eyes, unable to speak.

* * *

He hadn’t slept anymore, and the thought of eating was revolting, so Danny had stayed in his room while listening to his parents get up and start the day. He could hear them putter around downstairs, and he wondered if his mother would tell his father of his puking fit last night. 

Remembering that and the reason for it, the tears were back, as was the nausea. 

About an hour later, someone knocked on his door.

“Daniel.” His father’s voice was low. “Can I come in?”  
Danny sat up and hastily dragged his hands down his face. “Uh...”  
“I know you’ve been crying. Can I come in, please?”  
“Uhm... okay.”

His father closed the door behind him and slowly, sat down on the bed next to Danny. He looked at his hands for a very long time before facing his son again.

“Daniel, you know as well as I do that there are a lot of things we will never agree on.”  
Danny gave him a crooked, unhappy smile.  
“The thing is that you made a great effort, and I appreciate it very much. But we talked a lot these days, me and your mum. And I came to realise something... and I have a hard time admitting it.”  
“You... talked.”  
“Well.” He cleared his throat. “Mostly she did the talking.”

Their eyes met and they both had a small, lopsided smile on their lips that didn’t reach their eyes.

“She made me realise something,” Danny’s father went on, the smile gone from his face. “When we talked about all those things you never told us. I realised that it wasn’t you who failed as my son for not having the courage to speak to me. It was me, as a father, who failed you, for making you feel you need courage to speak to me in the first place. I don’t want you to be afraid of me, Daniel.”  
Danny swallowed and pressed his lips together.  
“Russell didn’t come here and accused me of being a bad father, but in the end, he wouldn’t have been so far from the truth.” Danny’s father sighed heavily and shook his head. “What kind of father am I if my own son is afraid of speaking to me?”

“You... you’ve never been particularly happy about any of my choices, Dad.”  
“No, I wasn’t.” Roger Barnett squarely met his son’s eyes. “But these last weeks, you tried so very hard to gain my approval, harder than ever before. And... I’ve never seen you so unhappy in your entire life.”  
Danny lowered his eyes. “I don’t really know what to say to that, Dad.”  
“You don’t need to say anything, Daniel. You know that I’ll never be big on your choice of music or the way you dress and wear your hair. And as little as I can grasp your sexuality, I promise you I will work harder on myself to be able to accept it. Because... Daniel, I don’t want you to be so unhappy.”  
“What are you driving at, Dad?”  
“You need to fix things with your young man.”

Danny swallowed and shook his head. “It’s too late, Dad. I was too angry for too long and now...it’s over. I was so angry at him that I scared him off last time we met and spoke to each other.”  
“Was that on Monday, by any chance?”  
Lowering his eyes again, Danny nodded and fought his tears. “I scared him so much he ran away. He... I was so angry and I yelled at him, and... I know that... he was abused as a kid, and here I went and... Christ, Dad...”  
“Then you have all the more reason to talk to him. Maybe you can’t put it together again, but the least you should do is apologize.”  
“Dad...” Danny stared at his hands knotted together in his lap. “An apology isn’t going to do any good.”  
“Maybe not. But you have to make one. If he accepts it or not is not up to you, but it _is_ up to you to offer it.”

Finally, Danny could meet his father’s eyes again. He put a hand on Danny’s shoulder with a gentle squeeze.

“You can do this, Daniel.”  
Danny closed his eyes. “I have to,” he whispered.

* * *

Fed up with everything Anders had sent Dawn home and closed the office earlier than he used to on Fridays and had gone home. Seona had been home already and made him a coffee after greeting him with a kiss, and for a short moment Anders had just relished the domestic bliss of being married to a wonderful woman. 

He wasn’t sure at first; he had just been looking out of the window while waiting for his coffee to cool, but when, for the third time, the same person walked by on the other side of the road, he narrowed his eyes and took a closer look. Eventually, he waved Seona over. 

“Is that who I think it is?” He asked her in a low voice, not wanting Russell in the living room to hear this.  
“I think so,” Seona said softly. “So what now?”  
“They need to talk, obviously. In Privacy. Undisrupted, preferably.”  
“No shit, Sherlock.”  
Anders suppressed a chuckle. “So, how about we find us a nice cosy hotel for the night, Dr Watson?”  
“Just like that?”  
“Just like that.”

They exchanged a look.

“I start packing,” Seona said and went upstairs.

It took them slightly more than ten minutes to throw a few clothes and toiletries into a suitcase, and they informed a slightly baffled Russell of their spontaneous plan to spend the rest of the day and the night letting themselves be pampered in a hotel. 

“We’re just a phone call away if you need us,” Anders assured him firmly as he picked up the suitcase.  
“See you tomorrow!” Seona pecked a kiss on Russell’s cheek, and moments later, Anders backed his car out of the driveway. 

Russell shook his head with a tiny smile. “Second spring, Dad?” 

Then he made himself another coffee and went back to the living room to burrow, but not ten minutes later the doorbell rang. After labouring out of the sofa and his blanket fort with a curse under his breath, Russell went to open the door and froze. 

Pale-faced and with sunken, hollow, red-rimmed eyes, Danny stared at him for several long, agonizing seconds before he managed to speak. 

“Can we fix this?” He asked in a low and rough voice.

Russell remained unable to react and just kept on staring at him. His heart was racing, his knees were getting weak, but he was too stunned to do anything but stare.

Eventually, Danny bit his lips, then moistened them with a flick of his tongue. He took a step back. 

“Okay,” he whispered hoarsely and turned around. “I get it. I’m sorry...”

“Danny...” Russell watched him go, watched him wipe a hand across his face, and finally found his voice again. “Danny, don’t go!”

Danny stopped with hunched shoulders, and after a moment, slowly turned around again. Russell took a deep, shaky breath, stood aside and held the door open and with slow and hesitant steps, Danny walked back to the door and stepped inside. Russell closed the door again and headed for the kitchen while Danny took off his shoes.

The kitchen counter between them, they stared at each other for a moment.

“Do you...” Russell looked at the coffee maker and back at Danny. “Coffee?”  
“Uh... thanks. Yes.”

In uncomfortable silence, Russell made two cups and put them on the counter. Then he walked around it, and they stood about three feet apart from each other, both staring at the floor.

“I... I don’t know,” Russell finally managed to say. “I don’t know if we can, Danny. I’m... I’m sorry. But... you don’t want to hear that, do you...”

They looked up simultaneously and their eyes met. Russell blinked once and a tear fell from his lashes.

“I’m so sorry... I never wanted you... I didn’t want to... I’m sorry. I’m sorry about your dad, and the drum kit, and I honestly don’t understand why you even want to fix this.”  
Danny swallowed. “I’m sorry too. I... I didn’t want to scare you. I didn’t mean to. I don’t want you to be scared of me, Russ.” He bit his lips and was fighting his tears.

“I’m not scared of you,” Russell gave back with a sad little smile. “Yes, you terrified me, and yes, you triggered the shit out of me, but I’m not scared of _you_. I never was. Not of you.”  
“You’re not?” Danny’s voice broke. “After I went at you that way?”  
“You had every right to be angry, Danny.”  
“Not like that. I know you’re a survivor of child abuse and I... I had no right to go and treat you like that, especially not after I talked to my dad and...” Danny dragged a hand down his face. “He told me that he never realised I was scared of talking to him. You know what else he told me? That it wasn’t me but him who failed. That it wasn’t because of me being scared but because of him making me afraid of talking to him. And I still blamed you for... for shit you didn’t even do and... Fuck, Russ... I’m so sorry...”

Russell swallowed audibly and Danny forced himself to meet his eyes.

“But you still lost your baby because of me,” Russell whispered after a moment.   
Danny exhaled softly with closed eyes. When he opened them again, they spilled over as well. “After we talked he told me I don’t have to sell it, but I just wanted it gone. I wanted everything gone that... that I felt would get in my way. He told me I didn’t need to, and I did it anyway. And then I kept blaming you and...”  
“But if it hadn’t been for me it would never have happened.” Russell shook his head, tears dripping down his chin. “Why... why would you want to try and fix this after what I did... how I hurt you...”

Danny shook his head as well with a stony face. “Yes... yes you hurt me, but Russ... I hurt you as much as you hurt me! Fuck, when Emma told me about the knives...”  
Russell dropped his gaze and hunched his shoulders.  
“I was about to puke,” Danny went on in a husky whisper. “God, Russell... I have no idea what...” He broke off with a sob and his voice broke, only a husky whisper left. “I had nightmares...” 

Russell looked up again and they stared at each other in helpless desolation and with tear-stained faces.

“I miss you,” Danny suddenly choked out as if he was suffocating on these words. “Christ, Russell, I miss you like fuck!”  
Russell couldn’t suppress a single sob. “I miss you to,” he whispered hoarsely. 

Another moment of agonizing silence passed.

“Can you forgive me, Russ?” Danny asked hardly audibly. “Can you ever forgive me?”  
“Can _you_ ever forgive _me_?” Russell asked in return, his voice a low painful whisper as well. 

Danny slowly lifted his hands, palms pointing upward. “I don’t care anymore,” he rasped. “I just want you back. I miss you so much, Russ... I just want you back. And yes... yes, if that’s what you need to hear, I forgive you, I forgive you everything... and if you really can forgive me, then... oh fuck! Fuck, Russell, I just want you back!”

With another hoarse sob Russell lifted his hands and hesitantly, rested his hands on Danny’s. 

“Yes...” he whispered. “I forgive you... and I have no clue what... and how... but...”

Their fingers entwined, and they both simultaneously stepped forward. And suddenly they had their arms around each other and both of them burst into tears, holding on to each other for dear life while whispering desperate apologies into each other’s hair.

They clung together as tightly as they could, but at one point Russell peeled himself away from Danny and wiped a hand across his face. He wordlessly took Danny’s hand and dragged him towards the living room, and they settled down on the sofa together; Danny lying with his back against the armrest and legs outstretched and Russell curled up half against, half on top of him. Danny firmly closed his arms around Russell and Russell snuggled his face into Danny’s shoulder, the tears slowly drying on their faces.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After all those tears there comes a hunger that no food can satisfy.

How much time had passed neither of them was able to say, but eventually Danny lifted one of his hands and threaded his fingers into Russell’s curls. Russell buried his face into the crook of Danny’s neck and inhaled deeply; it was the same scent that he remembered, of Danny and his shampoo and his after shave, and the tears were back with a vengeance without him being able to stop them. 

“I missed you so much,” he whispered into Danny’s skin. 

The scratch of stubble was unfamiliar, as was the edge of Danny’s jaw without any hair, but it didn’t matter, not now, when their cheeks brushed against each other, breath grazing skin and mingling as their lips touched in a shy and hesitant kiss. Without Danny’s beard it almost felt as if he was kissing a stranger or rather, kissing him for the very first time, and despite his feelings of pain and shame at having Danny driven that far, it sent a tingle down his spine. He opened his lips with a moan so soft it was no more than a sigh, and their kiss instantly turned from shy to hungry and wild. 

Their bodies seemed to remember each other far more easily than expected, and the moment that Russell’s tongue found the tongue stud, he was instantly hard and digging his groin against Danny’s. Danny broke the kiss with a moan and, hands still in Russell’s hair, bent his head back and nipped the skin on Russell’s neck, breathing heavily. 

“Missed you too,” Danny muttered between soft nips and kisses.  
“Danny...” Russell couldn’t keep his eyes open. “Danny... come to bed with me?”

One last nip, and Danny let go of Russell and sat up. Their eyes met, and while they still couldn’t hold the gaze they were out of the sofa and on their way to the stairs within a heartbeat, both tearing off their T-shirts as they hurried upstairs.

Danny immediately headed to Russell’s room while Russell went into the bathroom to get the box – and to catch his breath, too – and he hesitated for a moment when he caught eyes of himself in the mirror. His gaze was met with wide, reddish eyes and an incredulous, terribly nervous smile. Then he shook his head and took a deep breath before he left the bathroom again.

Having closed the door of his room behind him, he realised that Danny was already fully naked and had taken out his hair elastic as well. His throat going dry Russell just froze, and Danny walked up to him, took the box and put it on the ground before he wordlessly pulled him into another kiss again, his fingers digging into the bare skin of Russell’s back. And before Russell could react, Danny had him against the nearest wall. 

“Danny...” He whispered after Danny had released his lips. “God...”  
Danny didn’t reply and trailed a line of kisses down Russell’s neck and across one shoulder. He nipped the skin above the collarbone and placed a few kisses on the skin of Russell’s throat before slowly sinking to his knees. He trailed kisses in his wake, his fingers brushing Russell’s nipples, and it was all that Russell could do to brace himself against the wall when Danny started unzipping his jeans.

Danny still hadn’t said a word and seemed to be in a hurry, but he was gentle and careful as he pushed jeans and briefs down to free Russell’s cock. And after giving Russell a hand with stepping free of his clothes he immediately went down on him.

Russell pressed the back of his head against the wall with a low, throaty moan.

Danny’s fingers dug into his hips and the strong arms and hands now had Russell effectively pinned against the wall while he was going down on his cock, swallowing him down so hard and deep Russell was seeing stars. 

“Danny...” He gasped as Danny swallowed hard around him. “Danny, you don’t have to...”  
Danny’s only answer was a deep, low hum as his nose had reached Russell’s pubic hair.  
“Danny!” Russell’s voice broke; Danny wasn’t only deep-throating him, he was giving Russell no chance to escape while he did so. 

Despite every nerve being set on fire Russell could feel Danny fight for breath and considered to use their safe word, but before he could do so Danny pulled back on his own accord and gasped for air.

“Danny... you don’t... have to do that...” Russell managed between heavy breaths.  
“Want to,” Danny said and went down on him again. He pulled back and looked up at Russell with a wicked smile.

Russell only saw a tiny flash of silver before his mind exploded and he registered his own scream with only half a brain. Then Danny swallowed his cock again, and Russell buried both hands into Danny’s hair. His hips bucked of their own accord as Danny swallowed around him again, and without letting go, Danny looked up at Russell with a smouldering glare. Russell rolled his hips and could feel the hum of Danny’s moan as the tip of his cock nudged into the back of Danny’s throat. 

“Oh god, Danny...”

Danny sucked as hard as he could and Russell could no longer keep his moves in check. He thrust forward and Danny moaned and swallowed, and then Russell dug his fingers into Danny’s hair and let himself go. It was no longer a blow job, it was Russell fucking Danny’s mouth, but by the way Danny was pressing Russell against the wall it was clear that this was what he wanted.

Russell didn’t need more than a handful of thrusts before he came. Staring down at Danny who was looking up again their eyes met, and Russell wasn’t even able to scream anymore as Danny closed his eyes and swallowed. It took Russell a moment to realise that tears were spilling from the corners of Danny’s tightly closed eyes but Danny swallowed everything that Russell had to give. Russell shuddered violently and only then did Danny fall back with a hoarse gasp and a cough and heaved.

“Danny...” Russell sank to his knees next to him, shaking and trembling and hardly able to talk himself. He hastily picked up the nearest item of clothing and gently took Danny’s chin in one hand while dabbing away the mix of sweat, tears and saliva from Danny’s face while the latter slowly caught back his breath.

“Danny...” He dropped the shirt and pulled him close so his head was resting against Russell’s shoulder. “Danny... you didn’t have to do that. Are you okay?”  
Danny cleared his throat several times and nodded. “Wanted to,” he whispered. “Wanted you so much.”

Russell placed a kiss onto Danny’s temple and nuzzled his hair. Then Danny looked up, and their lips met in a kiss full of warm affection and hunger. Their arms wrapped around each other they kissed until they ran out of breath, and after snuggling together, Russell inhaled the scent of Danny again and listened to the strong and steady heartbeat under his cheek.

He could still hardly believe this was happening. He could hardly believe that Danny really had forgiven him. But here they were, naked with their arms around each other and as he listened to Danny’s heartbeat, Russell felt his own heartbeat pick up speed as one of Danny’s hands trailed down his chest. He turned his head and placed a kiss onto the skin under his cheek, and Danny’s heartbeat sped up as well. 

“Want you so much,” Russell whispered into his ear. “Danny, I want you so much...”  
Danny’s answer was to take Russell’s chin in one hand to lift his head. He placed a kiss onto Russell’s lips and smiled at him under lowered eyelids.  
Russell inhaled deeply and swallowed. “Come to bed with me,” he whispered. “I want you so much... I want...” Then he broke off and bit his lower lips.  
Danny emitted a slightly inquisitive hum.  
“Want you,” Russell said in a husky whisper. “I want you to make love to me, Danny.”

Now Danny tensed the slightest bit and leaned back to properly look at Russell. 

“Russ...?”  
“I want you,” Russell said and reached out to trail a finger down Danny’s cheek. “I want you, I want you closer, I want you all the way.”  
“You sure?” Danny’s voice was trembling, a hardly audible whisper.  
“I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.” Russell smiled, or attempted to. It looked rather nervous.

“Hey.” Danny ran a hand through Russell’s hair and brushed back a handful of curls. “You don’t have to do this... like... uh... I dunno... like be submissive to...”  
“I’m not.” Russell grazed the shell of Danny’s ear with a fingernail. “I want you. Inside me, under my skin. Want you, Danny.”

Danny pulled him close and pressed their foreheads together.

“You really sure?”  
“Yes. But... you don’t... if you don’t want this it’s fine... and... I mean, you don’t have to, and you don’t have to do the same just because I did, I just want you so much...”  
“Hey...” Danny buried both hands into Russell’s hair. “It’s okay... It’s just... I just want you to be sure. Because... once we’ve done this, there no going back. Once I’ve seen you like that I can’t unsee it and... once I’ve touched you I can’t... you gotta be sure, Russ.”  
“You afraid of second thoughts?”  
“Yes.”  
“Why?”

Danny leaned back again to look at him. “’Cause I’ve been there before. It’s... Annie, my first girlfriend, she... we were spending the night at her place and we were alone and had put on music and lit some candles and it was... we undressed and didn’t stop at underwear, and suddenly we... uh.... I mean, it was amazing, it was both our first time but... but then afterwards, she suddenly started crying because... she hadn’t wanted to give it up, and it had just happened... and even though we had sex again after like two weeks or so... we broke up two months later because.... it just wasn’t...”  
“I get it,” Russell interrupted him gently. “But this isn’t a spur of the moment thing. We don’t have candles and music and get lost in a romantic mood... no. I want this.”

Their eyes met, and then, with a somewhat shy smile, Danny got up and held out his hand to help Russell up as well. They embraced and held on to each other for a while before relocating to the bed. 

Their hands roaming each other’s skin and their legs entwined they kissed, and their increasingly heavy breaths turned into soft moans. 

Breathing heavily Danny leaned back and rolled half on top of Russell, then buried his face into the crook of Russell’s neck and placed a tender kiss onto the sensitive skin. Russell bent his head to give him better access and bit his lips with a soft moan as Danny’s tongue started toying with his earlobe.

Then Danny sat up and, resting his hands on Russell’s shoulders, gently pushed him back into the pillow.

“You’re so gorgeous,” he whispered and trailed his hands across Russell’s chest and body, down and up his arms and across the chest again. “But...” There was an unmistakable trace of worry in his voice and Russell opened his eyes.  
“I... I couldn’t eat much lately so... you can feed me later.” 

Danny looked up and their eyes met, and they exchanged a small, hesitant smile. Danny leaned over him for another kiss, and Russell pulled one leg in so his knee and shin rubbed against Danny’s groin. Danny bit Russell’s lip with a soft moan and sat up again. 

Both were breathing heavily as Danny carefully positioned himself between Russell’s legs, and they both didn’t take their eyes of each other. Russell had both knees drawn up now and Danny was running his hands up and down his calves and shins, and then his thighs. 

“Danny...” Russell’s whisper sounded almost like a plea. 

Danny swallowed once and cupped Russell’s balls in one hand while the other ran up and down Russell’s leg and came to rest very low on the inside of the thigh with the fingers resting against the perineum. Then he searched Russell’s eyes for a last confirmation, and Russell lowered his eyelids and slowly, spread his legs.

After another deep breath, Danny lowered his eyes and Russell forced himself to keep looking at him.

It wasn’t as if they hadn’t been in close proximity to each other’s backdoors already while giving head or doing a 69, but this was intentional, this was Russell opening and baring himself, willingly giving up the last bit of himself to Danny.

Danny was breathing so hard his shoulders heaved as he looked down, and then he slowly shook his head as he reached out. He brushed that intimate spot with a thumb, making Russell gasp.

“God, Russ... you’re beautiful everywhere...”

He repeated the move, and Russell’s gasp turned into a whine. 

“Everywhere,” Danny whispered and bent forward, trailing a line of kisses down the insides of Russell’s thighs. “You’re so beautiful, Russell...” He placed a kiss onto the tip of Russell’s dick and one onto his stones, one on the skin below it and then hesitated while Russell was breathing so hard he was gasping for breath. “Everywhere...” Danny whispered again before he placed a soft and tender kiss onto the sensitive pink skin that no one else had ever touched before him. 

Russell’s yelp turned into a high-pitched moan when Danny kissed him there again, and with a hitch in his breath he lifted his head to look down at the same moment that Danny looked up. Their eyes met, and Danny gave the spot under his lips a flick with the tip of his tongue. Russell fell back with a suffocated squeal and dug both fists into the sheet under him.

Emboldened, Danny flicked his tongue again, and again a few times more with increasing enthusiasm, and by that time Russell was writhing and moaning an endless string of _yes_ and _oh god_ and _Danny_ and _please_ and was tearing so hard at the sheet that the fabric was beginning to give. His high-pitched gasp when Danny sat up and the warmth of his breath was replaced by cooler air sounded more like a sob.

Danny didn’t give him a chance to catch back his breath. He quickly reached for the box and got the lube and a condom and, after trailing a few more kisses up and down Russell’s thighs, coated a finger in lube and cautiously touched Russell again.

“Danny...” An urgent, desperate whisper.  
Danny carefully increased the pressure of his fingers in slow, gentle circles.  
“Danny...” A throaty, shaky moan.  
“Yes...” Danny whispered without taking his eyes of what he was doing.  
“I want you so much!”  
Now he looked up. “You want me?” He asked, his eyes dark with arousal and his voice husky.  
“Yes, god, yes... oh god, Danny...”  
“You’re clenching.”

Russell pressed his head back into the pillow with another moan. 

“You want me in there?”  
“Yes...”  
“You want me in there?” Danny was still massaging the ring of muscle with a single finger. “Buried balls deep in that sweet beautiful ass of yours?”  
“Yes!”  
“Then you gotta let me in...”

Russell threw his head to and fro and gulped down some air. “Danny...” he whimpered.

And then suddenly something gave, and Danny’s finger slid inside in a single, smooth move. Danny moaned at the sensation while Russell stilled, his face frozen with his eyes wide and as round as the silent _oh_ that had formed on his lips.

Danny closed his eyes now and leaned his head against Russell’s knee as he cautiously moved his finger. “God Russ... you feel so bloody amazing...”  
Russell was incapable of making a sound. He was hardly able to breathe.  
“God, you’re so amazing... Russ you’re amazing...”

Danny pulled out almost hesitantly, and Russell wailed at the sudden loss of contact. But Danny only took the time he needed to put on more lube before he put his finger back, and Russell was now making the sweetest, high-pitched gasps and moans Danny had ever heard as he slowly circled his finger with gentle pressure outward. Ever so often he would push his finger in again until he finally found a little smooth bump, and touching it made Russell scream and almost jump off the bed.

“Holy shit...” Danny forced his hand to slow down, his voice awe-struck. “Holy shit, Russell...”

He tried again, and was rewarded with a completely incoherent scream, similar to those that he got when fucking Russell’s dick with his tongue stud.

Danny worked slowly and cautiously, obviously intent on not hurting his boyfriend, but when Russell suddenly reared up, curls flying and eyes wide, and yelled at him to fuck him already, he pulled his finger out and hastily grabbed the condom with shaky hands.

Russell was still propping himself up and watched with shaky breaths as Danny lubed himself up, and their eyes met when Danny aligned himself. They managed to keep eye contact for the moment Danny entered him, but a second later Russell fell back with a low, drawn-out moan, unable to support himself any longer.

His eyes closed, Danny waited for a moment after he had sheathed himself completely, and then he slipped his hand under Russell’s backside to lift and tilt his hips. A droplet of sweat trickled down his left temple.

“God, Russell...” He rasped. “You feel so amazing... god, you’re perfect... how can you be so perfect... oh god... Russell...”

Russell was beyond words and blindly groped with both hands until he found Danny’s forearms. Closing his hands around those in an iron grip he pressed his head into the pillow and bucked his hips.

Danny dropped his head with a moan and started moving, slowly at first, and carefully, until Russell’s increasingly frustrated growls made it clear that he was done with being cautious. After a few deep breaths, Danny adjusted his grip and angle before moving again, harder and faster this time although he had no desire to fuck Russell into the mattress. 

He wasn’t holding himself back, and neither was Russell, and they quickly found a rhythm that fit them both. Neither of them was able to form any words anymore, and their harsh breaths and gasps and moans mingled as their bodies slid together, into each other, closer and closer with all barriers gone, and they were no longer aware of anything else.

Danny lost his rhythm when he was nearing his point of no return, and he sped up for the last few hard thrusts, making Russell scream in time with his own harsh, throaty growls, and then he came on a bellow that vibrated through both their bodies. He ground out his aftershocks with a few breathless gasps before pulling out, and Russell collapsed into a boneless heap under him.

With great effort, Danny managed to get rid of the condom and fell unceremoniously down beside his shaking, sweating boyfriend who was trembling and gasping for breath. 

“Oh God, Russell...” he rasped and gathered up the blanket, then wrapped them both into it after curling around him. “Russell... you okay?”  
Russell melted into the embrace and buried his face into Danny’s chest. “Never been better,” he whispered tonelessly, vocal chords too strained to speak.

Burying into Danny’s embrace, skin on skin and his cheek resting on Danny’s heart, Russell listened to his own racing heartbeat slowly calming down. Danny was nuzzling his hair and one hand was gently caressing his back, and Russell inhaled Danny’s scent, fresh, pungent sweat and the musk of sex and after shave and just simply Danny. 

He felt a heavy warmth spread in his body, a peace and calm he had never felt before, and suddenly everything was perfect, everything made sense, and nothing scared him anymore. Not now, not here, not in Danny’s embrace with his heartbeat under his cheek.

Russell’s breath hitched as he felt words get stuck in his throat; words he had never said, words he had never felt he needed to say, but even as he was about to say them Danny took a deep, deep breath, pulled him even closer and buried his face into Russell’s hair. And Russell realised that he didn’t need to say them after all.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the first step, but they are far from having fixed it completely.

Russell surfaced from sleep in a dark room lit only by the glow of street lamps, and an empty bed. He blinked a few times, fighting a feeling of deep disorientation. Then he realised that bed was empty and that meant... He buried his face into the pillow with a sob.

“Russ?”

He jerked upright and there he was, sitting wrong way round on the desk chair wearing only his boxer shorts, his arms folded on the backrest. 

“Danny?” Russell wiped a hand across his face.  
Danny slowly got up and walked over to the bed. “Did you think I fucked off?”  
“I... I thought I had only dreamed it all...”  
“I was just watching you sleep,” Danny said softly and sat down on the bed. “I needed to pee and when I came back you looked so... so incredibly beautiful and peaceful and...” He swallowed, his eyes filling with tears. “And I...”  
Russell reached out and gently brushed his fingers across Danny’s lips. “Come back to bed,” he whispered.

Danny got rid of his shorts again and crept under the blanket. 

After some shuffling about and rearranging limbs they ended up with Danny on his back and Russell curled up against his right side, with his head bedded on Danny’s shoulder. Danny closed his right arm around Russell and buried the fingers into the golden curls and Russell trailed his right hand across Danny’s chest. Danny took it with his left hand and their threaded their fingers together.

“We are going to have to talk about all that,” Danny finally whispered.  
“I know,” Russell whispered back.

The silence was heavy and they both unconsciously tightened their hold. 

Danny swallowed hard while staring at the ceiling. “It will never be the same again, will it?”  
“Probably not.” Russell took a shaky breath. “Not quite.”  
“Shit, I... I’m so sorry, Russ...”  
“I know.” Russell unknotted his fingers and rested his hand on Danny’s cheek. “Believe me, I know. I’m sorry, too.”  
“And...” Danny chewed his lips for a moment. “Aren’t you... afraid it’ll happen again? What if I lose my shit again like that?”  
“You won’t,” Russell replied simply.

Danny huffed out a mirthless chuckle. “Not that I don’t appreciate it, Russ, but what makes you so sure?”  
Russell sighed, and after a moment he sat up. “Look at me, Danny.”  
Danny forced himself to look at him.  
“Look into my eyes and say you’re sorry. Look into my eyes and say you didn’t mean to scare me like that, and that it will never happen again.” His voice was grave and strangely, unfamiliarly deep.

Danny cleared his throat and gulped down some air. But Russell smiled, a soft and slightly wistful smile. He took a deep breath and, after moistening his lips with a flick of his tongue, took another breath. 

“I’m sorry,” he said while forcing himself to look into Russell’s eyes. “I’m so sorry I did it, and... Christ, I never meant to hurt you, or scare you, or trigger you and...” He had to blink his tears away. “I’m sorry, Russ.”  
“I know. Will you do it again?”  
“Of course not!” Danny blinked furiously. “But... I’m scared, Russ. What if it happens again after all?”  
“Have you ever broken a promise to me?”  
“No.” Shaking his head, Danny was able to meet Russell’s eyes again. “Never.”  
“Then promise me you won’t do it again.”  
“But what if...”  
“Promise me.”

They eyes were locked into each other’s now.

“I promise,” Danny whispered. “I swear I won’t do it again, Russ.”

And Russell suddenly smiled and leaned forward to cradle Danny’s face in his hands. 

“Is that it?” Danny asked.  
Russell nodded.  
“But...”  
“But what?”  
“Why? How can you trust me again after this?”

Brushing his thumbs across Danny’s cheekbones, Russell met his eyes again. “Because I know.”  
“Know what?”  
“The look in the eyes of a man just saying these words without meaning them. But you’re different. You mean them. Because you’re not like that.”

Danny closed his eyes but couldn’t hold his tears back. Russell wiped those away with the palms of his hands and then leaned forward, straddled Danny’s hips and placed a kiss onto his lips as he buried both hands into Danny’s hair. Danny opened his lips with a soft moan and threaded his fingers into Russell’s golden curls. 

“Want you,” Russell whispered between kisses. “Want you, Danny...”  
“Again?” Danny couldn’t keep his eyes open as Russell covered his face, neck and shoulders with kisses.  
“Again.”

They didn’t get much further, though. An unmistakable rumble from the vicinity of Russell’s midriff suddenly and thoroughly destroyed the mood.

“Food, maybe?” Danny suggested with a tiny smirk.  
Russell sighed in defeat.  
“Food,” Danny said and nudged Russell with his knees. “Come on. Let me feed you.”

They didn’t bother with more clothing than underwear and T-shirts before heading downstairs to raid the kitchen. Deciding that frozen pizza or anything else that needed cooking would take too long they made a heap of sandwiches that they devoured as if they were crackers. Then they tried to eat bananas without innuendo – failing utterly – and ended up laughing so hard at one point that they were about to suffocate.

In the drawer where the treats were kept Russell found some peanut slabs, and they made short work of those too before heading upstairs again.

They tore off each other’s T-shirts on their way to the bed, and eagerly and impatiently got rid of their underwear again before devouring each other’s lips and mouths while letting their hands roam each other’s bodies and entwining their legs. 

Then Russell leaned back for air and sat up. “Want you,” he whispered and left the bed to get the lube and a condom. “Now.”  
Danny lowered his eyelids. “You really do like cock, don’t you?”  
“Is that a problem?” Russell asked as he knelt down on the bed.  
“Did I make it sound like it is?”  
“No.”

They chuckled, but the chuckle died in Danny’s throat when Russell turned around and lowered himself onto his elbows.

“Fuck...” he whispered breathlessly as he sat up.  
“I hope so,” Russell said, slightly breathless as well.  
“God, Russ, you’re so hot...” Danny cupped both of Russell’s buttocks and dug his fingers into the pale, soft skin. “So god damn hot...”

It was easier the second time around, and both of them moaned heavily as Danny buried himself into Russell’s backside. Danny started moving, and Russell started moaning and gasping Danny’s name while digging his fists into the sheet under him. 

But after only a few moments Russell threw back his head. “Danny, stop,” he gasped.  
Danny immediately stopped moving and pulled out. “Shit, am I hurting you?”  
“No,” Russell gave back, still breathless, and turned around. “Want to look at you.”

With that he pushed Danny back into the mattress and straddled his hips again. With the lack of practice it was a bit awkward for a moment and Danny had to assist with both hands, and when Russell finally lowered himself on Danny’s cock he dropped his head with a high-pitched moan. He rocked back and forth a few times, eliciting a few hoarse groans from Danny, before he looked up again. 

Their eyes met, and Russell started moving again. He needed a bit of experimenting to find out how to do so, but eventually they figured it out. After a few moves that had them both gasp for air, Danny reached out and closed a hand around Russell’s cock. The sensation made Russell increase speed and ferocity of his moves, subsequently thrusting into Danny’s hand harder and faster as well. Their harsh moans and gasps mingled with the sound of skin sliding against skin.

Russell came first, his head falling back with a moan that bordered on a scream, and while he was riding out his aftershocks Danny followed him over the edge, Russell’s name a breathless whisper on his lips. 

Too beat to do anything else Russell just slid down from Danny’s cock and after getting rid of the condom with shaky hands, grabbed the nearest item of fabric he could reach to wipe Danny’s chest. Then he collapsed at his side and Danny immediately turned around and spooned him as tightly as he could.

“You okay?” He whispered into Russell’s ear.  
Russell snuggled closer. “Never been better.”

Danny chuckled softly and placed a soft kiss onto the corner of his jaw. Then he reached out and managed to drag the blanket over both of them, and could just about reach the bedside lamp as well.

They both were out cold within mere moments.

* * *

Anders and Seona came back mid-morning to a silent house. They had just carried in their suitcase, however, when Russell’s door opened and closed, followed by the bathroom door.

The two exchanged a mildly worried look as Anders switched on the coffee maker, but moments later the door to Russell’s room opened again. The coffee maker hummed and gurgled but couldn’t drown out the sound of someone coming down the stairs.

“Russ? I need to borrow a T-Shirt, mine’s got jizz on it.”

Having reached the bottom and rounding the corner, Danny froze in silent shock as he realised that it wasn’t Russell who had switched on the coffee maker.

“That would qualify for the Awkward Award of the year,” Anders remarked drily as he took a cup out of the cupboard.

Danny cleared his throat and tried to square his shoulders. 

After a long, uncomfortable moment, Anders managed a small smile. “I guess I can file that under good news, though.”  
“Uhm...”  
“In any case,” Anders began, the smile gone again. “Danny, we need to talk.”  
Danny nervously licked his lips and nodded. “I guess so, yes.”

Anders stepped aside and indicated towards the living room, and with another nod, Danny walked past Seona without looking at her. After closing the door behind him, Anders turned around to face Danny again.

“Now, I’m not here to tell you to keep your hands off my son,” he began. “But we all know that we can’t pretend nothing happened.”  
“No, we can’t.” Danny took a deep breath. “We know it won’t be the same.”  
“Good.” Anders nodded and hesitated for a moment. “Because that would be bloody naive. But I can see that you had quite the reunion the details of which I neither want nor need to know. And while it isn’t my business who my son sleeps with it is my business as a father to be worried about him.”  
“Of course.”

“Danny,” Anders said after a moment with a sigh. “I won’t deny that it was Russell who started this whole mess, and that his fuck-up had some extremely unpleasant consequences for you. And maybe as a father I am biased, but I personally found your reaction to him trying to make amends more than slightly over the top.”  
Finally, Danny could meet no longer Anders’s eyes. “It was,” he said hesitantly. “And I... I know it wasn’t fair. I just... I don’t know what...”

Anders crossed his arms and waited.

“Honestly, I don’t... but maybe I do.” Danny shook his head. “I was... I was angry at Russ for fucking things up with my dad, and then... I... I think I was jealous too, because his dad is so awesome and generous and mine... mine isn’t.”  
“That’s not Russell’s fault, though.”  
“No.” Danny stared at the carpet. “I... Anders, I really don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry. I’m so... Yes, he started it, but I made it so much worse, and I will never... I don’t think I will ever forgive myself.”  
“I hope you can forgive me for being harsh, but I heard the _I won’t do it again_ crap far too often to be comfortable with it.”

Danny looked up again at him with burning eyes. “I know. And I know that Russell has, too. That’s what makes it worse. I know what he’s been through, and I acted no better. But Anders... I learned my lesson. I did a lot of thinking the last few days and...” He swallowed and shook his head, his eyes filling with tears. “I had nightmares, Anders. I had a nightmare where I watched Russell cower in a corner and... and I wanted to tell him I wouldn’t hurt him but... I couldn’t speak... and then I realised he wasn’t looking at me but at someone behind me... and... and I wanted to tell him that I would protect him, and then a voice behind me said I couldn’t do that anymore, because... _You’re one of us now_ , he said. And I looked around and... it was me.” He rubbed a hand across his mouth and chin. “It was me. It was my own face. And I...” He broke off with a sob. 

Anders didn’t reply for a while. Finally he uncrossed his arms and sighed. 

“That’s one vile motherfucker of a nightmare.”  
“It gets better,” Danny whispered, and proceeded to tell Anders of the other nightmare, the one with the coffin full of blood.

There was a heavy silence after he had finished.

“Fuck,” Anders said after a moment. 

“I know I hurt him,” Danny whispered then. “I know I triggered him, and I never... I didn’t want it, but I did, and I’m so sorry but I swear...” He wiped his eyes. “I won’t do it again. I know I got issues, but being violent isn’t one of them. So maybe Russ has a thing for barging into conversations with only half a brain, but I... I have troubles talking at all about things that bug me and bottle shit in too much. And maybe... maybe we can... sort of... uh...”  
“Positively influence each other?” Anders offered.  
Danny shrugged with a helpless and rather unsuccessful attempt at a smile.

“I won’t deny that it’s possible.” Anders pressed his lips together for a second. “And I’m ready to believe you when you say you won’t lose your shit again like that. But you have to understand my point of view. I have never seen him so hurt like during the weeks after you dumped him. And you’ve sent him into the worst panic attack of the decade.”  
Danny blinked while swallowing hard, and a tear trickled down his cheek.  
“But I know what you mean to him, and I can see you feel the same. But for his sake, and your own, I have to ask something of you.”  
Danny wiped the back of his hand across his eyes and nodded.

“I need you to go home and think. Mind you, I’m not throwing you out, you’re more than welcome here, but after you leave tonight I want you to not come back before next weekend, and not see Russ until then either. You need to think long and hard about this, and I will say the same to Russ because he needs to do the same. And I know that you probably know the answer to this already, but you need to make a conscious decision about it.”  
“About what?” Danny asked hesitantly.  
“If Russell is the right man for you,” Anders replied. “As you so rightly said, he has a tendency to barge into a conversation with only half a brain, and I’m sorry he has inherited that particular Johnson trait but here we are.” He cleared his throat. “But he is also fragile, and he can key himself up into losing his shit very easily. This is Russell too, and he comes as a package deal. He’s not only the handsome guy with a beautiful smile and an amazing voice and a talent for music, he’s also a guy scarred by childhood abuse.”  
“I know that.”  
“I know you know that. I just don’t want to see him hurt again.”  
Danny straightened up again. “Believe me, neither do I.”

They looked at each other for a moment before Anders nodded, the smile returning to his features. 

“And don’t worry,” he said as he opened the door again. “If Russell has forgiven you then there’s no reason why I shouldn’t.”  
Danny visibly sagged with relief. 

Russell was standing in the kitchen clutching a cup of coffee with an anxious expression and immediately put the cup down before hurrying to Danny’s side. Danny tried to smile and draped an arm around his shoulder. 

Russell gave his father a glare. “Dad, did you give him the shovel talk?”  
“Sort of, but I intend to give the same talk to you.” Anders entered the kitchen and headed for the coffee maker. “After I had my coffee.”

Russell and Danny exchanged a rather worried look, but then Seona stepped up to them and pulled the two of them into a fierce embrace.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Accepting it happened and putting it behind you without pretending it never happened is the hardest part. Finding ways to cope.
> 
> On a side note, Anders is still Anders.

Russell and Danny withdrew again into Russell’s room after their next coffee and settled down on the bed, but didn’t take more clothing off than their jeans.

After getting comfortable, Russell reached out and traced one finger along Danny’s jaw line.

“Are you going to grow that back?” He asked hesitantly.  
Danny shrugged. “Dunno yet.”  
Russell chewed his lower lip and circled Danny’s chin with his finger.  
“Do you want me to grow it back?”  
“It’s not really my business how you groom your face, is it?” Russell dropped his hand and settled back down again.  
“Don’t you like that look?”  
“I do like it,” Russell replied quickly. “I just... I think the old look is more... Danny?”  
Danny chuckled. “It’s just because you’re used to the old look.”  
“I know. I still like the old one... I mean...” He faltered. “I don’t mean you look bad! I didn’t mean that!  
“Dude, keep your pants on.” Danny chuckled again. “Do you want the beard back?”  
“As I said, it’s not really...”  
“Do you want it back, yes or no?” Danny was still amused and not the slightest bit annoyed.

After a moment, Russell sighed and closed his eyes. 

“Yes, yes, I want it back. Satisfied?”  
Danny chuckled again and nuzzled Russell’s hair. “Yes.”  
“But you don’t have to...”  
“Jesus, will you stop?” Danny turned his head to look at him. “I just asked. What is your problem?”  
“The... the problem...” Russell still had his eyes firmly closed. “The problem is that I don’t want you to think I don’t like you like this...”  
Danny let his head fall back into the pillow with a soft snort. “Sorry, I’m not laughing at you, it’s just... Russ... you seemed to like me very much last night.”  
“I do!” Russell sat up. “And...”

Suddenly, Danny’s eyes narrowed. “But... Russell, please tell me you didn’t let me fuck you to pay me back?”  
“No, I’m not buying you!”

They stared at each other for a moment.

“Fuck... Russ, we gotta do something about this.”  
Russell swallowed hard.  
“I mean... we can’t go on like this and every other conversation we have turns back to this clusterfuck...”  
“I know,” Russell said tonelessly. “And how are we gonna do that?”  
“Fuck if I know.”

They both fell silent and clung a little tighter to each other.

“We can’t pretend it didn’t happen,” Russell whispered after a moment. “But I... I honestly don’t know how to handle this. We gotta put this behind us somehow... without... without pretending it didn’t happen but... we also...”  
“We can’t dig it out again all the time.”  
“Yeah.”

For a while, they held on to each other in silence. Russell buried his face into Danny’s shoulder and Danny closed his arms tighter around him. 

“I have an idea,” Russell suddenly whispered and peeled himself away from Danny. 

Bemused, Danny sat up and watched him open the wardrobe and dig into it until only his legs stuck out. Then, after some cursing, swearing and grunting, he crawled back out clutching an old shoebox. He opened that and, with a grin, took out a small pouch of dark, grey cloth. 

“And that is what?” Danny asked with a crooked smile.  
“Part of my idea,” Russell replied. “You good to go?”  
“Go where?”  
“The beach, somewhere. Are you okay to drive?”  
“Uh...” Danny sat up. “I... I walked here.”  
Russell’s eyes widened. “All the way?”  
“I kinda... I was kinda nervous.”  
“So... I guess we take my car then.” 

Russell got up and Danny shrugged with a grin, but went with the flow. They both put on their jeans again and headed downstairs where Russell quickly informed his father that he would give Danny a lift home. 

Anders headed for the coffee maker and cast another look at the door that had just closed behind his son. Seona was done making her cup of tea and leaned against the counter.

“Seona, darling?”  
“Yes?”  
“Does he walk funny?”  
Seona rolled her eyes so hard they vanished out of sight for a second. “Anders...”  
Anders lifted both hands, palm up. “It’s a valid question!” He looked at the door again. “I mean... he walks funny, doesn't he?”  
“Anders, I am sure you are taking way too much interest in your son's sex life.” She crossed her arms and shook her head.  
“But does he walk funny?”   
Now Seona pushed herself away from the counter and dropped her arms. “Oh, for fucks sake! Yes, your son looks well ridden, are you satisfied now?”

Anders took his cup out of the coffee maker with a small smirk while Seona took her tea into the living room, shaking her head hard enough to make her curls fly.

* * *

Russ and Danny were silent in the car, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. They left the city and eventually, Russell killed the engine in a small lay-by somewhere east of Auckland. After a bit of a walk they reached a small bay sheltered by rocks that looked a bit as if the sea had just bitten a chunk out of the coastline, leaving a small, crescent-shaped beach in its wake. 

Russell knelt down and with his hands, dug a small hole into the sand. Having brought the necessary equipment along in his backpack that he now unpacked, Russell got a small fire started in the hole, watched by Danny who clearly had no idea what was going on.

“Okay,” Russell said when the little fire was burning.   
“Now what?” Danny, who had until now taken more interest in the waves and the surf, lowered himself down cross-legged on the other side of the fire pit.  
“Hang on.” Russell got up and Danny watched him, shaking his head.

When he came back, Russell was carrying a large bundle of beach grass. He divided it into two equal parts and handed Danny one of them before sitting down on the other side of the little fire.

“That is beginning to feel like some sort of weird heathen ritual,” Danny said as he looked at the fire.  
“That’s because it is,” Russell gave back. “But I’m making this up as I go along.”  
Danny chuckled and shook his head again, but didn’t say anything.

Now Russell took a few blades of beach grass and wadded them into a ball. 

“This is me thinking I know better than you how to handle your own shit,” he said softly and dropped the ball of grass into the fire. It caught and smoked and after a moment, burned and turned to ash. Then he took a few blades more, and wadded them up, too. That ball was bigger than the first one. “This is me being so convinced and full of myself that I actually did it despite you telling me to leave it.” The second ball vanished in the fire.

Danny watched him, and after the second ball of grass had turned to ash, he picked up a few blades of grass as well. 

“This is me calling you vile names,” he began hesitantly as he rolled the grass into a ball. “And not wasting a second’s thought on the fact you only wanted to help.” He dropped it and fought to keep his breathing calm as he made another grass ball. “And this is me refusing to acknowledge your apology.”

Russell finished rolling up a bundle of grass. “And I just went ahead and spilled all your secrets to your father and ruined your peace of mind, and his.” 

“I didn’t do it consciously, but I did use you as a scapegoat, Russ.” Danny dropped another ball. “Because I was jealous that your dad is awesome and mine is stubborn as a rock with a stick up his ass.”

“I damaged your relationship with your dad and violated both your privacy.”

“I didn’t stop to think when you offered to make amends and just... I know you didn’t want to buy me.”

“I tore open something I should never have touched you lost your precious baby. And your hair.”

“I triggered you into the worst panic attack ever.”

“I almost ruined your life. You lost your dream of being a drummer and having a band, and you almost lost your dream of becoming a paramedic.”

“I almost drove you into suicide.”

They had finally run out of grass. Their balls had had different sizes all the time, but now they had both used up all of it. The fire was quickly burning itself out.

Russell and Danny were silent for a very long time while staring at the small heap of ash. Danny was repeatedly wiping his eyes.

“You didn’t almost drive me into suicide,” Russell said with a whisper.   
“But... the knives?”   
Russell shrugged. “Yes, I was thinking it. But it wasn’t because you dumped me, but because it was my fault that you had.”

Another long silence followed.

“You didn’t ruin my relationship with my dad.” Danny lowered his eyes. “It was a house of cards, really. But... we talked. And we... I get better along with him now than I have for fuck knows how long.”

Finally Russell looked up, and seeing the movement of his head, Danny looked up as well. Their eyes met.

“And I didn’t really lose my hair now, did I?”  
Russell managed a small smile.  
“I mean...” Danny swallowed. “I went into the nearest hairdresser’s and told her to give me a twelve millimetre cut.”  
This time, Russell shuddered.  
“She said no. She said she won’t do that, because I’m distressed and under pressure, and I would regret it once I’ve calmed down somewhat.”  
“I guess so...” Russell whispered.  
“So... yeah, she was right, of course. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her... not everything, of course, and she said we should go for a compromise. And I could always come back in a day or two if it would turn out to be... not enough.”

Russell was biting his lips so hard that Danny leaned forward, reached out, and brushed a finger across Russell’s lips. “Hey. Don’t do that.”

Russell closed his eyes but stopped biting his lips. After a deep breath, he looked at Danny again.

“What did your dad say?”  
“He was surprised.” Danny shrugged. “And... well, he was almost shocked, but it’s always hard to tell what that man feels. He was... he liked it, and he said as much. But I don’t think he was happy about it.”  
“Why not?”  
Danny shrugged again. “Mostly because of what he told me yesterday morning. That he appreciated it very much that I made such an effort, but that he has never seen me so unhappy in my entire life... and that he doesn’t want me to be so unhappy.”  
“Is it wrong to think that he might have thought of that a lot sooner?”  
A small, crooked smile appeared on Danny’s lips. “No, I don’t think so. But I have to give him credit, you know? I know it’s not much, but it’s so much more than ever before that I can’t really complain. I’m not expecting a miracle, Russ. But this... we’re finally... well, maybe we’re not even on common ground yet, but he feels more like my dad than he has for the last six or seven years.”

After a deep breath, Danny reached out again and held out his hand. Russell took it and their fingers entwined, right above the little fire pit.

“I should’ve talked to him about all that long ago, probably. No, not probably.” Danny pressed his lips together and narrowed his eyes. “Not probably,” he went on. “And I should’ve done it together with you.”  
“And would that have been a good idea?”   
“Who knows? It could have prevented this clusterfuck...” Danny shrugged. “Or it could have caused one a billion times worse. Who knows?”

Their eyes met again. Then Danny tugged at Russell’s fingers and they got onto their feet. They both only needed one step around the fire pit and then they had their arms around each other again while staring out at sea.

“Feel better?” Russell asked after a moment.  
Danny nodded. “Yeah... just...”

He let go of Russell and turned towards the ashes of the little fire again. He bend down and cautiously poked the ashes with his finger, and when he discovered they were cooled down enough to touch, dug out a large handful of ash. Russell, realising what he was up to, did the same, and after looking at each other for a heartbeat, they both turned around and cast the ashes away into the wind. 

“Feel better?” Danny asked this time, pulling Russell close.  
“Tons.” He snuggled his face into Danny’s shoulder. “You?”  
“Tons.”

They both chuckled and leaned back to look at each other again. The wind toyed with their hair and Russell plucked a curl out of his mouth and brushed it behind his ear. Then he ran his fingers through a few of the black strands that were blown around Danny’s face. 

“I’m really glad the hairdresser was so considerate,” he whispered with a shy smile.  
Danny tilted his head.  
“But... you know... it doesn’t matter.” Russell let go of the hair and rested his hand on Danny’s cheek. “It doesn’t matter. You’re still my Danny.”  
Closing his eyes with a soft chuckle, Danny shook his head.  
“No, I mean it.” Russell leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Danny’s. “You’re still my Danny. Again. Always. And if you’d shaved your head as bald as an egg, you’d still be my Danny. I love your hair... but it doesn’t matter.”

Danny closed both arms around him and pulled him close, and their lips met in a gentle kiss. For a long time they just stood there, the only sounds around them the wind, the surf and a few distant seagulls. After breaking the kiss they held on tightly to each other and looked out at the horizon. 

“There’s one more thing,” Russell said softly.  
“Hm?”

Russell stepped back, slipped a hand into the pocket of his jeans and produced the small pouch he had dug out of his wardrobe, then poured its contents into his hand: about a dozen polished gemstones in various colours and sizes. He held out his hand to Danny.

“Chose one.”

Danny looked at the array for a long time before he cautiously picked a green stone the size of a cherry. Then Russell chose one as well, a dark red one of roughly the same size as Danny’s. He unceremoniously stuffed the other stones plus the pouch back into his pocket and squared his shoulders.

“I know...” he began hesitantly. “I know we’ve forgiven each other. But maybe... maybe this makes it easier.” He held out his hand. “Here. This is my forgiveness. I give it to you, and I want you to hold on to it for as long as you need it.”

Danny swallowed hard, his eyes filling with tears, and took the stone with a slow move. He looked at it for a moment before he cleared his throat. 

“Here, Russ. This is my forgiveness.” He offered Russell the green stone, and Russell took it carefully. “I give it to you and... I want you to hold on to it... as long as you need.”

After staring at the stones in their hands for an endless moment both of them moved simultaneously; they slipped their stone into a pocket and stepped forward into each other’s embrace. 

The wind picked up and made kissing a bit difficult with all the loose hairs blowing around and into their faces and mouths, and eventually they gave up, chuckling, and headed back to Russell’s car hand in hand.

“Hey,” Danny said with a frown. “We haven’t told Emma yet, have we?”  
“No...” Russell looked at him with a lopsided smile. “We probably should.”  
“So...” Danny leaned against the car and took out his phone. “Should I text her, or call her, or do you...?” He looked up questioningly. 

Russell pursed his lips in thought and then took out his own phone with a smile. He stood up close to Danny, pressing their cheeks together, and took a selfie of the two of them. He sent that to Emma and Craig. 

They weren’t even done with settling down in the car when Russell’s phone hummed; it was Craig, and his only reply was a gif of fireworks. They both had to laugh at that. 

“Right,” Russell said after starting the engine. “About that lift home.”

They exchanged a grin. 

“But Danny...” Russell stopped smiling and closed his fingers around the steering wheel. “I need to talk to your dad.”  
“Yeah...” Danny looked down at his hands. “I guess so... I mean, I talked to your dad so...”  
“So. I hope I don’t fuck it up again.”  
“I’m there, so I can kick your ass if you’re about to.”

They looked at each other and the grin was back.

* * *

Russell was tugging at the hem of his shirt and smoothed his hair back for the hundredth time since leaving the car while Danny unlocked the door. 

“You ready?” Danny asked softly.  
“No,” Russell replied. “Let’s do this before I shit myself.”  
“He’s not gonna eat you, you know.”  
“I know.” Russell gave him a crooked grin. “But it’s never easy to own up to shitbombs of those proportions.”  
“No.” Danny pecked a quick kiss onto his lips. “But you’ll be fine.”

Then he opened the door. “Hey, I’m home!”

“Daniel!” His mother hurried around the corner. “Where have you... oh.” She blinked a few times in surprise, but then a small, but honest smile appeared on her face. “Hello, Russell.”  
“Good... Good evening, Mrs Barnett.” Russell cleared his throat. “I... I need to speak to your husband, is that possible?”

Danny’s mother exchanged a look with her son, then she stepped aside with an nod. “Roger? There is someone for you here!”

Russell squared his shoulders and took a deep breath as Danny’s father appeared around the corner. He froze for a moment, and then his face lost all expression as he came closer and crossed his arms.

“Good evening, Russell.”  
“Good evening, Mr Barnett.” Russell swallowed and nervously ran both hands through his hair. “I want... I know that after all that happened an apology is... probably a bit pathetic but... I need to apologize... for... for how I barged in here, thinking I know better than you and your son how to handle things between the two of you.”

Roger Barnett looked at him and nodded.

“I’m... I’m sorry. I can’t tell you how much I regret that... and how ashamed I am of myself for... for acting against Danny’s wishes and assuming that... oh damnit...” He smoothed his hair back again. “Look, I never meant to imply you’re a bad father, okay? So... that’s where the problem is, right? Danny said my father wraps me in cotton wool and all my family spoils me rotten and... that’s probably not really far from the truth. And then I... I just... I honestly didn’t know what I was thinking, because if I had thought that through properly I’d have realised that I can’t speak to you like I speak to my own father, you’re two different men, different personalities...” 

Russell took a deep breath, but just as he was about to lose his nerves, he felt Danny’s hand come to rest on his lower back. Another deep breath, and his thoughts ran clear again. 

“So... that I thought I could just solve the problem with talking to you like I talk to my own father was terribly stupid. And I apologize for the breach of privacy and... and for upsetting things between you and your son. And believe me... I can’t even begin to tell how sorry I am that I hurt him that much. And I promise I will... I will never do something like that again.”

Roger Barnett nodded again. 

“And... I have to say this again, Mr Barnett.” Russell swallowed, but then he managed a small, somewhat wistful smile. “You are not a bad father. I know what a bad father is like; I grew up with one for the first five and a half years of my life even if he was only my stepfather. But... you’re not a bad father, Mr Barnett. Because if you were...” Now Russell looked at Danny and the smile softened. “If you were, you wouldn’t have such a wonderful son.”

Now Danny’s father slowly uncrossed his arms. 

Russell took Danny’s hand and faced Danny’s father again. “Mr Barnett, I... Danny means the world to me. And I know that I... I made some terrible mistakes but... I learned my lesson. I can’t undo it, I can only try and make amends. And I know that... you probably think I’m no good, or not good enough for your son but... but... I only want to see him happy, Mr Barnett. And I’m sorry I made such a poor job of it.”

Roger Barnett’s silent, stony attitude was giving Russell the creeps, but that had been the case from the first moment he had met him. After Norway he hadn’t been intimidated by him anymore, but he sure as fuck wasn’t really comfortable around him, and would probably never be.

But then, to Russell’s utter surprise, Roger Barnett offered his hand to him. Russell quickly let go of Danny’s hand and took it, feeling like a small child again. That man had hands like shovel blades. 

“Apology accepted,” Mr Barnett said as he closed his fingers around Russell’s in a firm and strong but not overwhelming grip. “And I appreciate it very much.”  
“Thank you, Mr Barnett.” Russell gripped the older man’s hand firmly as well. “Thank you.”

Roger Barnett nodded again and let go of Russell’s hand, then he looked at his son. “You look a lot better.”  
Danny managed a smile. “I feel a lot better, Dad.”  
“Obviously.” He clapped his son’s shoulder. “I’m happy you managed to fix this.”  
Russell was baffled, but Danny smiled at him, draped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer. “Me too, Dad.”

Russell managed a smile.

Danny’s mother invited him for dinner but Russell declined politely. Danny saw him out and they shared a few kisses on the porch before Russell had to head home again.

“I’ll see you Friday,” Danny said.   
“Text me?”  
“I think your dad wouldn’t approve.”  
“No.” Russell pursed his lips. “He wouldn’t.”  
“So see you on Friday, Russ.”  
“See you Friday, Danny.”

One last kiss, and Danny nudged the tip of Russell’s nose with his forefinger before he stepped back and opened the door. “Good night.”  
“Night, Danny.”

The door closed, and Russell headed back to his car. He fell into the driver’s seat and closed his eyes, but after a moment, a small smile appeared on his face. He started the engine and headed home.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family and friends, and more apologies. (Anders can’t let the issue rest and gets an earful.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mouseover translations provided. [Source](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Appendix:Glossary_of_Scottish_slang_and_jargon)
> 
> * * *

Crawling out of bed the next morning, Russell was aware that the upcoming week was going to be hard. After weeks of longing he had Danny back, finally – and now he wasn’t allowed to talk to him for another week.

True, his father would never lock him, and hadn’t even explicitly forbidden Russell to chat with Danny or text him, but Russell could understand why he had insisted on them taking some time to think. It hadn’t been just an argument, after all. And yes, it was better to think about something like this with a clear head, though how clear his head was going to get after this, Russell couldn’t really say. 

His eyes fell on the crumpled T-shirt that he had cuddled in his sleep – after carefully turning it inside out – and he shook his head with an embarrassed smile. He picked it up and pressed his face into it, inhaling deeply, and the smell simultaneously made him want to curl up under the blanket with it and horny as fuck. He quickly dropped it onto his bed and stretched with several popping vertebrae. 

Looking around he also noticed a few empty condom wrappers and a wadded-up towel with the former content of those. Okay, so he needed to do some cleaning up here and some laundry, but breakfast first. He was starving, despite not having skipped dinner last night as he had done so often during the last weeks. So he grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt and made his way downstairs to find some food. 

There was a large basket of bagels and rolls on the dining table that was laid for three, together with butter, jam, cheese and honey. 

“Morning! Bagels?” He fell down into his chair and blinked a few times before smiling again. “Sunday breakfast, huh?”

Anders and Seona had just finished breakfast; Seona was still in pyjamas and bathrobe, relishing the luxury of someone else having gotten up early for a run to the bakery. Russell adjusted his position in his chair and helped himself.

“Yes...” Anders lifted his eyebrows as he looked at his son. “Since I discovered the bread bin completely and utterly empty this morning, which is a mystery really...” He took his cup and took a sip. “Since Seona assured me she bought a whole loaf when she did the grocery run on Friday.”  
“Uh...” Russell busied himself with his bagel. “I guess someone ate it...”  
“No shit.” Anders shook his head.  
Russell hunched his shoulders. “Sorry, Dad.”  
“Russell.” Anders chuckled. “You know I don’t mind you eating the food in the kitchen. A heads up would’ve been nice, though.”  
“Sorry...” Russell put his buttered bagel back together. “I forgot.”  
“Come on, Anders.” Seona poured herself another cup of tea. “You would have, too.”

Russell bit into his bagel and gave Seona a grateful look. As he chewed he looked around the table and then got up again to get himself some orange juice from the fridge. After sitting down again he noticed his father look at him with mild interest.

“Dad?”  
“Do you need another pillow?”  
“DAD!” Russell’s face turned crimson.  
“Anders fucking Johnson!”  
“What? I’m just being considerate!”  
Seona’s eyes flashed lightning.  
“Seona, it’s okay...” Russell lifted his hands in a placating gesture with a fatalistic smile on his face, his eyes on his father who had ducked the slightest bit away from his wife. “It’s modus operandi in this house. You know him.”

Seona crossed her arms and glared daggers at her husband. “I do know him, aye, and while I can tolerate him being a little nyaff every now and then...” Her accent thickened considerably.  
“Babe, I didn’t...”  
Seona leaned forward, eyes narrowing. “Hawd yer wheeshd yer sorry wee roaster! Mawkit bampot, talkin out oot yer erse all the bloody fekkin time!”

Anders blinked a few times while clutching his cup. Both Johnson men stared at Seona out of wary eyes. 

She shook her head and looked back and forth between Anders and Russell. “That ye boggin dobber cannae keep yer mind outta the gutter is one but I'm fair  scunnered that ye cannae leave yer own barra in peace! It’s reekbeek, ye wee knapdarloch, and at one point I’m gonna jab yer bawbag up yer peebrusht if ye don't stop that!”

“Russell...” Anders whispered without taking his eyes of Seona. “What is she saying...?”

After a very long silence in which none of the three moved, Russell cleared his throat. 

“Seona? It’s okay... really. Stop staring at him like that before he spontaneously self-combusts.”

Seona leaned back with a small snort in the back of her throat. Anders was still clutching the cup and without taking his eyes off her, put it down very slowly. Then she took a sip of her tea and exhaled a very long, very heavy huff of breath. 

“Thank you, Russ.” Anders adjusted his position and cleared his throat.  
“You’re welcome, Dad.”  
Anders reached for his collar but since he wasn’t wearing a tie he just scratched his chin. “Can I... can I do you a favour or something?”  
“You could get me another pillow.”

Seona almost spat out a mouthful of tea. When she looked up again with her green eyes on fire, both Russell and Anders leaned back again. 

Then both of them simultaneously shrugged with a crooked smile.

Seona put her cup down, got up and stormed past the piano and out through the terrace door. 

After looking at each other, Russell shrugged again and Anders got up and fetched another pillow from the living room. About five minutes later, Seona came back, sat down again and picked up her cup.

Anders gave her his best puppy eyes while Russell was cheerfully chewing on the last bit of his bagel. 

Seona shook her head and closed her eyes. “How the fuck did you two survive Russell’s puberty?”  
“It’s a mystery,” Russell replied and eyed the bread basket. “Could you pass the raspberry jam, please?”  
Seona took the glass and plonked it down onto the table in front of him.  
“Thanks.”

“It’s moments like these when I ask myself what I’ve gotten myself into,” Seona said after a moment and picked up her tea.  
“You don’t really need an answer to that question, do you?” Anders tilted his head, still doing his puppy impression.

Seona looked at him and sighed. “Sorry for exploding like that, but ye know... I’ve been on the receiving end of jabs like these for most of my life and... ach, ye know me Mam.”  
“I do,” Anders gave back and swallowed, a worried frown appearing on his face. “I’m not as bad as her, though.”

Seona looked at him in silence.

“Am I?”

With a very slow move, Seona tilted her head and raised her eyebrows. “Honestly? Sometimes, ye’re worse.”

Anders blinked a few times, face frozen, and then looked at his son who met his eyes and took another bagel. 

They were all saved from further mayhem by the doorbell, and Anders quickly got up to open the door. Emma almost elbowed him aside and dropped her bag.

“Is he up already?”  
“I like how you say already despite it being past eleven.”  
Emma cocked one eyebrow as she looked up at him. “Are we talking about your son or not?”  
“I guess so, since there is no other male living in this house apart from me, unless you want Danny who I have to inform you hasn’t stayed the night.”

Russell had finished chewing and dusted a few crumbs of his T-shirt while getting up. When Emma caught sight of him she threw herself at him with a squeal and after clamping her arms around him, burst into tears.

“Hey...” Russell closed his arms around her and pressed his cheek into her hair. “Emma, what...”  
“I got your message and the pic and I couldn’t believe my eyes and I was a total mess for the rest of yesterday and I couldn’t...” Then she leaned back and looked up. “Did you really... you and Danny... did you really fix it?”

Russell smiled and tousled her hair, and it spoke volumes about Emma’s state of mind that she didn’t react to that and just kept staring at him. “We did. We fixed it. Or... we are probably not quite done fixing everything but...”  
“But they reached the stage where they have to use an extra pillow,” Anders supplied helpfully from the background and skilfully ducked Seona’s mock blow.

Emma gave him a _look_ , then looked back up at Russell who shrugged and smiled with a crimson glow on his cheeks. Then she shook her head and hugged him again so hard Russell huffed and coughed. When she stepped back again she took both of Russell’s hands. 

“Russ... baby, I really... I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch at first.”  
“Can we...” Russell looked at the table. “It’s much appreciated, Emma, but can we postpone the heavy talks until after I had breakfast? I’m only on my second cup of coffee.”

“Plenty of rolls left,” Anders added as he headed for the kitchen. “Help yourself.”  
“Second breakfast?” Emma sat down with a grin.  
“More like elevensies at this time,” Seona said and poured herself another cup of tea.

Anders came back with another plate and a knife and a cup. Seona poured Emma some tea, and Anders took his and Russell’s cups to the coffee maker.

* * *

After two more rolls and four more cups of coffee Russell had dressed and he and Emma took a walk out to Mission Bay Beach. They didn’t talk during the twenty minutes’ walk, and they didn’t talk for a while after they found a nice spot, somewhat out of the way, as they stared out across the bay.

A seagull landed in their proximity and eyed them, doubtlessly scrutinizing them as a possible source of food. When none of the two moved, it took to the air again with a disappointed squawk. 

“Russell...” Emma began as she watched the seagull fly away. “Baby, I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch.”  
Russell shrugged. “I was mad at myself too.”  
“But...” She combed her fingers through her hair. “Look, I was angry, but I... I shouldn’t... I took sides in a breakup of two of my friends, and that’s the worst idea ever. ‘Cause when you do that chances are you lose at least one of your friends, and I almost lost both of you. I’m sorry. I was a bitch, and I bitched far too long.”

Russell draped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. “It’s okay, sweetie. After that colossal fuck-up I would have been fuming for weeks as well. But you came back, didn’t you?”  
“Yeah...” Emma leaned her head against his shoulder. “And I fucked it up again after... I left you hanging for weeks, and then I wanted to fix it in an instant... and look how that went up into my... well, more like in your face.” She sighed. “And I couldn’t even get a hold of Danny to tell him... what you asked me to.”

“Oh Emma...” Russell nudged her temple with his forehead. “That’s not your fault. And... You know, actually... I think if you had, then Danny wouldn’t have keyed himself up so much and... You know, it’s possible that if you had told him, he would never have come.”  
“Keyed himself up?” Emma asked in a small voice.

Russell hugged her tighter for a moment. “He said he realized what he’d done the moment I ran away, and... he was shocked. And then at home... he said he... he had nightmares. About the knives. And... In any case, he looked like a zombie when he stood there on the doorstep Friday afternoon. I don’t think he really slept at all last week.”  
Emma said nothing and hunched her shoulders.  
“But... you see... without it, we wouldn’t be here. We both hit rock bottom that day. Maybe it all happened...how it happened was shit, but in the end it all turned out okay again.”

The seagull was back and landed in a gush of wind in its feathers. Or maybe it was another one. It emitted an inquisitive squeal.

“Beat it.” Russell waved one hand. “Fuck off.”

“So you really... you fixed it...”  
Russell sighed and bit his lower lip. “I don’t know if we fixed everything yet... and it’ll definitely never be the same again but... but yes, we realised that... that we just wanted the other back and... and now we... we have forgiven each other, Emma. And we have to take it from here. But for now... now there’s just one thing I need to fix, and that’s...” He swallowed and sighed again. “It’s not gonna be easy.”  
“And what is that?”

Russell closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them again, a tear trickled down his cheek. “I need... I need to fix... I have to get Danny’s baby back.”  
“The drum kit?” Emma leaned her head back to better look at her friend. “How are you gonna do that?”  
“I haven’t got the slightest idea. Though... I do have an idea where to start but... I have no idea what I’m gonna do if it doesn’t work out.”  
“And what’s your plan?”

“So far?” Russell brushed a few curls behind his ear. “I’ll try and talk to Danny’s parents, ask them if they still have the contact details of whoever it was that bought it. And if they do, then I’m going to contact them and offer to buy it back.”  
“And if they won’t sell it?”  
“I terminated my savings account Dad made for me when I was six. I can offer them more than they paid, enough to buy a brand new one. And if that doesn’t work... I don’t know. I’d go and buy him a new one, even if it... it wouldn’t be the same. And... either way, I have no idea where to put it. I mean, if push comes to shove I could store it in the guest room, and it would be better than nothing, but then we... we can’t practice there either.”  
“Come on.” Emma ducked away from under his arm and took his hand instead. “We all know the concert in November is history. No sense in stressing out over that.”

Russell dropped his head. “Yeah... I know. You’re right... still I... I wish...”  
“Yeah, so do I.” Emma ran her hand through Russell’s hair. “But let’s be honest... the whole thing was hanging in the balance anyway because Danny’s father cancelled so many weekends on us. And now it’s six weeks less and even if we had a practice room it would be... I don’t think it would work out.”  
“Fuck...” Russell didn’t lift his head. “I know. It’s just... fuck... I... this was our chance...”  
“Yeah, but not our only one. We’ll get another one.”  
“After we cancel this one on short notice just like that? Who’s gonna give us a chance now? I talked to those jerks for weeks and they basically only gave us the slot because they wanted me out of their hair!”  
“Then we’ll find some other people who aren’t jerks,” Emma gave back. “And we build up our repertoire and everything and find a rhythm guitar too in that time.”

As he was staring straight ahead, Russell’s shoulders slowly fell more and more, and his facial expression hardened. 

“This is it,” he whispered.  
“No, it isn’t.” Emma squeezed his hand. “It isn’t.”

The seagulls circled overhead, and to Russell their screeching sounded more like mocking laughter than anything else.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hard days, hard lessons and an unexpected ray of light.

Russell made it through Monday and half of Tuesday without getting sorely tempted to send Danny a text. But when he had finished his lectures on Tuesday, he found himself heading for the library without having made a conscious decision about it. 

He stopped when he realised what he was doing and for a moment, just stared straight ahead. 

“Do I _need_ to go to the library?” He asked himself. _Or am I just hoping to run into Danny there?_ Luckily there was no one within earshot but presently, Russell didn’t care.

The answer was a very clear No. 

Russell sighed, rolled his shoulders and headed back to his car. A week to think. And he couldn’t even make it three days without acting like a bitch in heat. He shook his head as he unlocked the car and threw his backpack on the passenger seat with a snort. He had woken up that morning with a boner that refused to go away, and not even jerking off in the shower had helped much. It probably had to do with his dream of last night that had featured Danny on his knees, but that wasn’t an excuse, really. It only made it worse.

“You’re pathetic,” he said as he geared down to stop at a red light. “Next thing you know is you wiggle your butt at him and roll around on the floor when you see him again.”

Though admittedly, imagining Danny’s facial expression if he did that was making him grin.

His father was already home and Anders waved cheerfully at him from the kitchen as Russell closed the door behind him, and he took another cup so Russell was able to get his hands on a coffee as soon as he came downstairs again after using the bathroom.

He took a sip and watched his father rummage around in the fridge. 

“Did you use the bacon?”  
“No. I haven’t cooked in ages.”  
“Right.” Anders straightened up again and closed the door. “Fuck that.”  
“You want me to run to the store, Dad?”  
“Nah, it’s all right.” Anders took his own coffee and smiled. “Though the store is still...”  
“Too far away for a run, I know,” Russell finished for him 

They looked at each other and grinned. 

Russell quickly felt his smile vanish again, however. He had been thinking a lot during the last days and now he felt a dire need to talk to someone about it. 

“Russell?”  
“Dad...” He took a deep breath. “I... can we talk?”  
“Sure.”

They relocated into the living room and Russell clutched his cup after they had sat down on a sofa.

“It’s because...” Russell took a sip. “I’ve been thinking... and... Dad...”  
Anders waited patiently.  
Finally, Russell put his cup down and looked at his father. “Dad, I’ve been thinking... you said that Danny and I shouldn’t see each other until the weekend, and I totally get why... but does that.... could I talk to his parents?”

Anders narrowed his eyes. “Why would you need to talk to his parents?”  
“Because...” Russell took a deep breath, bit his lips, and swallowed. “Because I want to ask them... ask them if they still have the contact details of the people who bought the drum kit. I... I want to try and buy it back.”

Leaning back with a thoughtful frown, Anders took a sip of coffee. He pondered that for a while before he put his cup down. 

“Russ,” he began hesitantly. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”  
“What isn’t? Talking to his parents or buying the drum kit back?”  
Anders rubbed a hand across his chin and leaned back. “Let me put it like this”, he said slowly. “The last time you talked to his parents behind his back, both your lives collapsed like a shit soufflé.”  
“Hang on!” Russell tucked a curl behind his ear. “I’m not going to...”  
“Going to what?” Anders interrupted him. “Make a very significant decision and take a course of action concerning Danny and his life without talking to him first?”

Russell faltered and blinked a few times, his eyes wide and lips parted. “But I...” He shook his head. “I thought I... I wanted to surprise him with that...”  
“You would, doubtlessly. And it could be a very pleasant surprise. But it also could blow up in your face again.”  
“Why?”

Anders picked up his cup and took a sip before he met his son’s eyes again. “Because he might not want it? You said he wanted everything gone he felt was in his way. And while I don’t doubt that he wants a drum kit again at one point, pushing one back into his life right now when things are not completely balanced again is... not wise.”  
“But...”  
“Apart from that, you can’t just put it back into the Barnetts’ attic, can you?” Anders took another sip of coffee. “I mean, if push comes to shove you could store it here in the guest room, but that would be less than optimal, wouldn’t it?”  
“But...” Russell wrung his hands. “But he loves his drum kit!”  
“I know.” Anders put his cup down again. “And I’m not saying you shouldn’t try and get it back. All I’m saying is you shouldn’t do it without talking to him first.”

Russell stared at his hands. 

“Hey.” Anders leaned forward and placed a hand on Russell’s shoulder. “I’m not telling you off.”  
“I know.” Russell didn’t look up. “But now I almost did it again, didn’t I?”  
“You know... they keyword here is _almost_ , not _again_.” Anders squeezed his son’s shoulder. 

Finally, Russell looked up again and met his father’s eyes. “When will I ever learn?” He whispered miserably.  
“You’re on it,” Anders gave back and increased the pressure of his hand. “Just... just try to remember the thing about good intentions. Then take a breath and look at your idea again. Like you just did.”  
“But I didn’t ask you about this to find out if it was a good idea but... but to ask if I could talk to them at all! And only because you set up a... a... a curfew for me and Danny! If it hadn’t been for that I’d have probably been there already!”

“But you haven’t.” Anders put his other hand on Russell’s other shoulder. “Consider this a warning shot then, if you like. Next time you make plans for something you think is a really good idea you will remember this here moment and take a breath and a step back. And preferably, talk to someone. Preferably the person whom it concerns.”

Russell swallowed hard and nodded. Anders moved one hand up to pat his cheek and then ruffle his hair. 

“But what you can do is make enquiries,” Anders said after leaning back. “As to where to store the thing long term. You could start with your uncle Axl and ask him if he has storage space somewhere on the premises of JC and since that’s wood... what do I know of that but anyway... it’s probably going to be reliably dry.”

Russell nodded again and reached for his cup. 

“Tell me why I never thought about asking Uncle Axl?”  
“Because up until a few weeks ago everyone, you included, thought that the thing with the Barnetts’ attic could work out.”  
“Probably.” He drank the last bit of his coffee and put the empty cup down. “But now I really have to hold my horses and not get my hopes up too much.”  
“No, you shouldn’t.” Anders got up and took his and Russell’s cup. “Chances are you can store it there, but I don’t think he has any space to spare where you could actually practice.”  
“That would be too good to be true.” Russell got up as well.

“And you know that when something sounds too good to be true...” Anders began.  
Russell nodded with a sigh. “Then it usually is.”

Anders pulled him into a short but firm hug before they left the living room to equip themselves with more coffee.

* * *

Since Russell knew that Liam and Lucas had rugby training on Wednesdays he made sure he was there after that but early enough to not disturb them during dinnertime.

“Heey!” Axl pulled him into a bear hug after opening the door. “What’s up?” He held the door open and ushered Russell inside.  
“Hey Axl.” Russell kicked off his shoes. “I was wondering...”

“RUSSELL!!” 

Two eight year olds and a toddler came running around the corner and threw themselves bodily at their oldest cousin. 

“I scored a try today!” Liam yelled.  
“Me too!” Lucas added and the two proceeded to inform Russell about every single detail of their game that day while Layla clung to him like a burdock as he carried her towards the living room. 

Hanna greeted him with a fond yet somewhat exasperated smile. “They won.”  
“I figured,” Russell said with a laugh and put the girl down again. She remained rooted to the spot and lifted her arms, chanting _up up up_ until Russell picked her up again. “You’re heavy, you know that?”

Axl now came back from the kitchen with two beers. He offered Russell one and they sat down on the sofa, with Layla refusing to leave Russell’s lap. 

“What brings you here, Russ?”  
“I need to ask a favour,” Russell replied and took a sip of his beer.  
“Ask away,” Axl replied cheerfully.  
“I have a new doll,” Layla said.  
“That’s great, sweetie,” Russell replied with a smile. “Can I talk to your dad?”  
“She’s big!” Layla held her hands as far apart as she could.  
“Wow, that big?” Russell opened his eyes as wide as he could. 

“Come on, Layla sweetheart,” Hanna called form the kitchen. “Show Russell your new doll and then you can help us here in the kitchen.”

Layla jumped from Russell’s lap and ran to fetch the new doll as fast as she could. After being duly impressed and dutifully cuddling the doll for a moment Russell handed it back to his cousin, but just as she was about to crawl into his lap again Hanna came over and picked her up.

“No, wanna be with Russ!”  
“Later, sweetie. Russ and Dad have to do boring grown-up talk now. Come on, do you want to peel the garlic?”  
Layla squealed and the matter was settled. 

“Where were we?” Russell asked with a mildly exasperated chuckle.  
“You wanted to ask a favour.”  
“Right.” Russell took a sip of his beer. “You know about... uh... me and Danny and...”  
Axl nodded mournfully.  
“So... We... we actually managed to fix things and...”  
“Yes!” Axl cuffed Russell’s upper arm. “Go you! Wow, that is great news! Congrats!”  
“Thanks...” Russell rubbed his hand across the back of his neck. “But you see... The thing is... I produced a pretty big fallout with all that and...” He took another sip of his beer and then proceeded to tell Axl about the drum kit and his current predicament.  
“Hm,” was all that Axl said. 

Then he got up and walked over to the kitchen. “How long will dinner be?”  
Hanna huffed in thought. “I’d say an hour?”  
“Great.” He kissed her cheek. “I’ll be back by then.” Then he waved at Russ and headed for the door. “Come on, Russ!”

Russell got up and carried the two bottles into the kitchen before following his uncle out. He had to promise the kids to come visiting soon before he was allowed out of the door, though. 

Axl backed his pick-up out of the garage and waved at Russell to hop in. During the drive to Neilson Street he asked Russell about uni and his courses, but also about him and Danny. And since Russell had no intention to create awkward secrets he told him pretty much everything, or at least as much as he had told his father. Axl silently patted his leg as he pulled up to the gate in the fence around the company premises.

Johnson Construction was a small but flourishing business that Axl had built from scratch. By now he had three employees, two workers and a secretary who was also accountant and receptionist. Again, Russell was overcome by jealousy of someone who had known what he was supposed to do, had tackled life and turned his attempts into gold. 

“Here we are,” Axl said after killing the engine on the small parking lot. Together they headed for the small company building that was surrounded by three large, open sheds sheltering beams and battens of countless lengths and sizes. But on the back of the small building that housed the office, workshop and facilities was a stairway down to a door leading into the basement. Axl needed several attempts to find the key he needed, and the sound of the opening door was accompanied by the crackle of cobwebs.

“Fucking spiders,” he muttered. He eyed the doorframe and ducked inside.

Russell followed slowly. 

“Leave the door open, the ceiling light’s bust!”

In the dim light filtering through the two narrow windows level with the ground, and the shaft of light falling through the door, Russell couldn’t help a bit of a sinking feeling. It was dirty, dark and dusty, and absolutely crammed with shelves filled with stuff Russell couldn’t even identify, and there was more wood and what looked like a few pads of Rockwool. It was definitely dry down here, though. The room was rectangular, about twice as long as broad, with the door located at one end of the room. On the far end, at the narrow wall, stood a washing machine that looked as if it had survived two world wars. 

Axl shoved both hands into his pockets and looked at the ceiling as Russell had caught up with him. 

“I used to store stuff down here when I started the business, but there was already a ton of stuff here from the previous owner. I always meant to unclutter and clean up but I never got around doing it.” Then he grinned at Russell. “So my offer: You help me clean out this shit, you can have the room.”  
Russell looked around. “I don’t really need more than a corner, but sure, I’ll help you.”

“No...” Axl turned around and gave Russell a brilliant uncle-smile. “Not a corner, Russ. I set up a cabinet or something for the stuff I actually need down here, thought to be honest with the sheds, that’s not gonna be much, and the rest is yours. No rent, though I’ll have a water and an electricity meter installed. We can wall off a slice of the room up there...” He indicated towards the far wall and the ancient washing machine. “... and you could install a toilet there if you can. I’m not a plumber though, so I’d rather not try my hand at that when there’s electrical equipment down here.”

Russell was beginning to feel as if the ground under him was slowly turning into jelly.

“Uncle Axl?”  
“What?” Axl asked with bright spirits and an even brighter grin.  
“Are you...” Russell’s heart began to race and he held out an arm, indicating at the dusty, cluttered chaos covered in cobwebs that surrounded them in the murky light hardly filtering through windows blind with dirt. “You actually...”

Axl looked around again. “Sure, it needs a bit of work, but it’s dry and you have electricity and water down here. And no one will give a flying fuck whatsoever and you can make any noise you want.”

Russell was unable to move, hardly able to think. He was still staring at the room around him and was hardly able to grasp what was happening. 

“Russ?”

He looked up at his youngest uncle, into Axl’s brightly smiling face, and lost it. Axl quickly pulled him into the biggest, warmest, fiercest bear hug of the century. 

After calming down again Russell stepped back and repeatedly wiped a hand across his face. Axl dug into a pocket and offered him a pack of tissues.

“Thanks.”  
“Welcome. Once a dad, always a dad.”  
Russell had to grin and blew his nose.

“Wow,” he whispered then as he crumpled the tissue in one hand. “Thank you...”  
“You’re welcome,” Axl replied with a grin. “Nothing I wouldn’t do for my favourite nephew.”  
Russell squinted up at him. “I’m your only nephew.”  
“Yeah, hence you being my favourite!”

Russell shook his head and Axl ruffled his hair. 

After Axl had locked the door again, he removed the key from the key ring and handed that to Russell. “Here, take good care of that, I only have that one. Have a copy or two of that made, though it’s gonna take me a few days to get another key card for the main gate.”  
“Thank you.” Russell slipped the key into his wallet. “Thank you so much...”

They hugged again, and Russell stared out of the window on their way back to Hillsborough still trying to catch up. Axl promised him to meet him at the gate on Sunday after lunch and slapped his back, and he and Russell said goodbye after leaving the garage.

Russell fell into his car and gripped the wheel. After about five minutes, he inserted the key into the ignition.

Then he shook his head, started the engine and headed home. It was as he pulled into the driveway that it slowly began to sink in. Their very own studio. Sure, it would need some serious cleaning, and they still didn’t have all the equipment, but... maybe it wasn’t the end of Jormungand after all.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, there are things that you just _know_ , deep within and without a trace of doubt.

Russell immediately called Emma about the studio after he came home, and she came over the very same evening after work to celebrate the good news. She also brought Danny’s coat that she had forgotten about; it had been in the boot of her car all the time. Russell took it, tears burning in his eyes as he did so, and hung it up on the coat rack next to the door. 

Russell had troubles falling asleep after Emma had left, partly because of the prospect of having a proper practise room, but also because he kept thinking about Danny. His father needn’t have told him to do so; Russell could hardly think about anything else.

And the more he thought, and the more the week progressed, the more anxious he became. 

Because the more he thought, the more he wanted Danny back. He missed him on a physical level, and not because of the sex. Yes, it was amazing and yes, he missed it, but he had tried to imagine what would be if, for whatever reason, they would never be able to have sex again. 

It hadn’t taken long for Russell to come to the conclusion that it wouldn’t matter, as long as he was able to curl up in Danny’s arms. As long as he could feel those arms around him, as long as he would be able to listen to his voice, see him smile and hear him laugh, as long as he could inhale the scent of Irish Moos and Danny. As long as they had music, he would be happy.

But what made him worry was to which decision Danny would have come after this week. He liked to think that he felt the same, but there was that nagging feeling in the back of his head telling him he wasn’t good enough and that in the long run, Danny would be better off without him.

It didn’t help that he couldn’t stop thinking about the mess he had produced. And the worst bit was the memory of the party where they had met Craig and how he had fucked things up back then, though that had admittedly not been as bad. Back then, Danny had simply forgiven and forgotten. He had comforted him gently and had made anxiety and self-loathing disappear.  
_  
“Yeah, so you got issues. So do I. Show me one person who doesn’t have issues.”_

 _“It’s not your fault you’ve been dealt so much shit as a kid. It’s not your fault you’ve got the scars to prove it. And that’s my whole point. This is what you are. And no, I couldn’t do any better because I have exactly what I want.”_  
  
Russell closed his eyes, and could see Danny before his inner eyes, the black tank top, the Celtic lines around his upper arms, the black hair framing his face, the leather bracelets around his wrists. The warm look in his eyes.  
__  
“And how long until you can’t stand these freak-outs anymore?”  
“I’m in the mood to find out.”  
  
Russell turned around and buried his face into his pillow. Because he realised at that moment that Danny had reached his limit now. He had found out. So maybe it had been only one more, but it had been too much. No chance that it wasn’t.

He found very little rest that night, and the next day was only worse. Neither Anders nor Seona could convince him that Danny wouldn’t dump him again, and Russell spent most of Thursday night with his laptop watching stupid videos on YouTube.

Thanking every deity he could think of that he finished early on Fridays Russell was on his last legs as he headed home, and the hard, cold knot in his stomach turned into an ice cold rock as time progressed. 

Anders and Seona were on their way out again, and Anders gave his son a firm hug before leaving.

“We’re at Ty and Dawn’s,” he told him. “And we’ll be back later tonight if you need us. I mean...” He smiled. “If we don’t hear from you we assume the best and stay the night in a hotel, but please, promise me you call me if you need me.”  
Russell nodded, feeling more miserable and afraid than he had in a long time. “Promised.”  
“Chin up.” Anders hugged him again. “Everything’s gonna be okay.”  
Russell nodded again, utterly unconvinced.

He watched his father’s car leave the driveway and leaned his forehead against the door. 

“Fuck...” He whispered. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck...”

He ended up on the sofa clutching a pillow to his chest, eyes closed so he wouldn’t stare at the clock all the time. And when the doorbell finally rang he almost had a heart attack. 

Russell dropped the pillow and headed for the door, and he needed a deep breath before he was able to open it with a shaky hand. 

“Hey.”  
“Hey.” Danny smiled, but he looked nervous as well. 

He came in and as he got rid of his boots, he noticed the coat. 

“Hey, my coat! Where did that come from?”  
“Emma had it in her car and had forgotten about it. She was here Wednesday and thought she’d just leave it here...”  
“Cool.” Danny’s nervous smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Uh... your folks not at home?”  
“No. They left so we can... talk...”  
Danny nodded. “Cool,” he said again. 

There was a moment of awkward silence, and only now did Russell realise that Danny was letting his facial hair grow again.

“Coffee?” Russell asked then, desperate to break that silence.  
“Uh... sure. Thanks.”

Here they were again, standing next to the kitchen counter, not really able to look at each other. 

Several minutes passed with them staring at their coffee until Russell suddenly spluttered: “Fuck, just get it over with!”  
Danny slowly put his cup on the counter. “...what?”  
“Get it over with,” Russell said through gritted teeth. “I just can’t stand this any longer.”  
“Get it over with?” Danny asked. “Get... Russell, you don’t...” Then he broke off and properly looked at Russell for the first time. “Fuck... you think I’m going to dump you.”  
Russell didn’t reply.  
“Don’t you?”

Looking at his feet, Russell shrugged.

“Dude, don’t give me the Shrug.”  
“Sorry, Danny... I just...”  
“Russ. Look at me.”

Russell forced himself to look at Danny and pressed his lips together.

“Come on,” Danny said. “Here I am, having thought about you for a whole week. You really think I’d be here if I was going to dump you?”  
“Yes because you’re not a total asshole,” Russell blurted out.

Danny looked at him and very slowly, shook his head. 

“You see?” Russell began kneading his hands. “This is it, here I go again, keying myself up and... freaking out... and...”  
“Russell.”  
“And I’m just a totally pathetic...”  
Danny took a step forward and pressed a forefinger to Russell’s lips. “Are you going to listen to me?”

When Russell nodded, Danny removed the finger again.

“So. I’ve been thinking. And I’ve been thinking long and hard, in both senses of the word, but honestly... even though I really do like your cock, that’s not the part I like best.”

They both attempted a smile, with meagre success.

“So yeah... I’ve been thinking. I’ve done little else this week. I remember you asked me back at the party where we met Craig how many more freakouts I could handle, and I told you that I was in the mood to find out. And the thing is...”  
Russell swallowed hard.  
Danny shook his head. “The thing is, Russell... I also said I have everything I want. That you’re you because of everything that... that makes you... you.” He ran both hands through his hair. “Fuck, I’m not making any sense.”

Russell had no idea what to say, and Danny shook his head and was desperately trying to get his thoughts in some sort of order.

“Fuck, Russ, you know I’m not good at this... I... uh... The moment I realised I scared you... it... it was the worst moment of my life. Because... I remember the panic attack at the party... and... and how you can fall into a really deep pit of self-loathing and fear and... yeah... those issues. I... I did some reading, you know? I thought of all the shit you told me from back then. That they made you feel as if you’re worth nothing, and... you got self-worth issues. Abandonment issues. I get it. And that’s... that’s not...” He combed his hair back with his fingers. “But that’s not who you are, you know?”

Danny dropped his hands with a frustrated groan and took his cup, and pulled a face after gulping down a rather large mouthful of the almost too hot coffee.

“But... Russell... I don’t even know... shit, you know I’m not good at words. I’m trying really hard here, and I got the feeling you can’t make one fuck of sense of what I’m trying to say.”  
Russell shrugged.  
“Anyway. Fuck. I mean...” Danny dropped his head back and stared at the ceiling for a moment. When he looked at Russell again, his eyes were glistening. “I don’t want you to be scared, Russ. Of nothing and no one, and least of all of me, and I’ll never forgive myself for scaring seven kinds of crap out of you. Because... honestly, I want... I want you to feel safe.” He broke off with a deep breath and shook his head. “I want you to feel safe with me, Russ,” he went on in a low voice. “I want you to feel safe and I want... Fuck, I can’t even...”

Danny dragged both hands down his face and gritted his teeth for a moment after dropping them. His voice was a rough as he went on, and got rougher as he spoke. 

“I don’t know what happened to me, Russ. When I think of you I want... I want to cuddle you and kiss you, and I want to... I want to go and wring your stepfather’s neck, really slowly, for what he did to you. I want to fuck you until you scream and I... I want to... to carry you around in my hand like... like a kitten.” A tear trickled down his cheek. “I don’t know what you did to me, Russell Johnson, but I just... I don’t want you to stop doing it.”

Russell sniffed and wiped his eyes, but couldn’t hold back the tears. Danny took a step forward and cradled his face in his hands before placing a soft kiss onto Russell’s forehead. 

“I want to make you feel safe,” he whispered. “I want to be the one who can comfort you no matter what. I want to be the one to help you over your attacks, even though I hope you’ll never have one again, but that’s a bit... it’s naive, and stupid, I know. And I also know that... that it can be really bad. You told me how you were after Norway. And if... if one day you have an attack that’s so bad that the only thing that’ll help is calling your dad... then that’s what we do. Because I want you to feel safe.”

Russell blinked his tears away, but new ones just kept coming. “I am safe,” he whispered, and it was nothing but the truth. “I feel safe with you. I have never felt so safe. It’s... when you hold me, I’m not scared anymore... of nothing. It’s... there’s peace in your arms, Danny.”

Danny pressed his lips together and couldn’t fight his tears. But he didn’t even try. Then he slowly let go of Russell’s face and pulled him close. They slung their arms around each other and tightened their hold.

“I’m sorry I can be such a pain,” Russell whispered. “But I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’re willing to put up with all my issues.”  
“You are not your issues, Russ,” Danny whispered back. “And I know that... it’s not... it won’t be perfect. I’m not perfect. I’m going to make mistakes, Russ, even though I hope I won’t. But I’m not perfect. But I promise you... no, I swear. I swear, Russell, whatever happens, I will always, always have your back. Always, and... and forever.”

Russell buried his face in the crook of Danny’s neck, but suddenly he felt a strange, nervous chuckle rise in his throat. Danny hummed questioningly.

“I dunno,” Russell whispered. “That almost sounded like a proposal....”  
Danny huffed out a chuckle under his breath.  
After a moment, Russell leaned back and looked at Danny’s face. “I know it wasn’t, but... shit, that was ridiculous. I’m sorry.” He shrugged and tried to smile. “Sorry.”

Their eyes met, and they both had to chuckle, then Danny touched Russell’s forehead with his. They remained like this for a moment before Russell dropped his head and buried his face into Danny’s shoulder. Danny closed his arms around him and nuzzled Russell’s curls.

They held on for a long while before they loosened their hold to be able to look at each other. They did so for no more than a heartbeat, though, before they leaned in for a kiss. Burying their hands into each other’s hair they opened their lips to each other and deepened the kiss, but eventually they let go of the hair in their hands to pull the other close again. 

Russell felt Danny’s lips graze the shell of his ear, and then heard the slight hitch in his breathing as if we was about to say something. He didn’t, but his breathing was picking up speed, and Russell felt his own heart begin to race as well. There it was again, that small hitch. 

“Russell, I...” Danny whispered into his ear, and faltered. “I...”  
But Russell placed a kiss onto Danny’s temple and brought his lips closer to Danny’s ear. “I know,” he whispered.  
He felt Danny’s smile against his cheek. “Oh you...” Danny whispered and breathed a kiss onto Russell’s ear.

Russell trailed a line of small kisses along Danny’s jaw line before he found his lips again. 

They held each other for a moment longer after breaking the kiss, but eventually, Danny leaned back and searched Russell’s face. Russell looked up and their eyes met, and Danny reached out to rest a hand on Russell’s cheek.

“Russell,” he whispered again. “Russell, I... I never want to let you go again and... and I... I know I’m only twenty-one, and you’re only nineteen, but...” He dropped his head for a second, and when he looked up again, his eyes flicked back and forth a few times as if he was unable to look at Russell’s face. And when he finally was able to meet Russell’s eyes again, his own were misting over again. “Russell, I just... I...” His voice was hardly audible anymore, a husky, scratchy whisper. “Will you marry me?”

Russell’s heart skipped a beat and began to race like mad. He stared at Danny with widening eyes and parted lips, mouth going dry, and realised he had lost his speech. Danny caressed his cheekbone with his thumb, not taking his eyes of Russell’s, and eventually, Russell could move his tongue again.

“God, Danny...” He whispered.  
One corner of Danny’s mouth twitched. “Is that a God Danny yes, or a God Danny no?”  
Russell shook his head, his heard racing like crazy, his stomach filled with planes instead of butterflies, and he had hardly any breath left to talk. “Yes...” he breathed. “God... yes, yes, Danny... yes!”

The smile that appeared on Danny’s face could have lit up a dark cathedral. Then he slung an arm around Russell’s neck and pulled him into a fierce, hungry kiss. Russell opened his lips and dug his hands into the thick black strands of Danny’s hair. And when they had to part for air, Russell held on as tightly as he could. Danny was holding on to Russell in turn, but he could feel Danny twist his hands behind his back.

Then Danny leaned back and gently pushed Russell a step away from him. He looked down and took Russell’s hands, and then looked at his face again. 

Russell could only swallow.

Danny looked down again and lifted Russell’s left hand, placed a gentle kiss onto the back of his fingers and lowered it again. He adjusted his grip, and to Russell’s utter bewilderment, slipped a ring onto his third finger. Russell looked down and his heart skipped a beat, again.

“But... Danny...” He stared at his hand. “You can’t do that...” He looked up at Danny with huge eyes.  
“Why not?”  
“You can’t give me that...”  
“And why not?” Danny asked again, voice low and rough.  
“Because...” Russell looked down at the ring and back at Danny’s face again. “It’s your... it’s your heirloom! You can’t give that away! It’s your Nana’s engagement ring!”  
“Yes,” Danny said with a shy smile. “And now it’s your engagement ring. And besides...” He took Russell’s hand and kissed it. “I’m not giving it away now, am I? I’m giving it to you. And I’ll be able to look at it for the rest of my life. It’s still mine. ‘Cause you’re mine.”

They both looked down simultaneously, down at Russell’s hand and the golden ring with an opal the size of a fingernail, the magic ring, the stone with the golden vein that was a crack in the fabric of reality, a gateway to another world. It fit perfectly, as if it belonged there.

When they looked up again their eyes met, and as they kissed again, the world around them ceased to exist.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desire, Trust and Patience.

After breaking their kiss, Russell leaned back and rested both hands on Danny’s cheeks. 

“Should we celebrate this? I’m pretty sure there’s beer in the fridge.”  
But Danny shook his head. “Later, maybe. Right now I’d rather celebrate with something else.”  
Russell lowered his eyelids. “And... what did you have in mind?” He let go of Danny’s cheek, but brushed his thumb across Danny’s lips and lowered his voice into a husky whisper. “Fuck me until I scream?”  
Danny kissed the thumb and flicked it with his tongue. “Maybe.”  
“Maybe?”

After a soft kiss Danny leaned back and rested his hands on Russell’s hips to pull him close. Their groins touched, and both their breathing picked up speed. Then Danny leaned forward and trailed a few kisses along Russell’s jaw and down his neck, and up again towards his ear. Russell shuddered with a sigh.

“Want you,” Danny whispered into his ear, his breath hot on Russell’s skin. “Make love to me, Russell.”  
Russell dropped his head onto Danny’s shoulder with a tiny gasp. “Danny...”  
Danny hummed into his ear, his hands wandering up under the hem of Russell’s T-shirt.  
“Danny... are you...”  
“Never been so sure of anything in my life.”

Russell chuckled into his shoulder, and Danny breathed an amused little huff into Russell’s hair. 

“But...” Russell swallowed hard. “I... I’ve never...”  
“I know.” Danny kissed his cheek, his forehead and then the tip of his nose.  
Shaking his head with a nervous chuckle, Russell lifted his hand again to caress Danny’s cheek. “God, Danny...”  
“Is that a God...”  
“God Danny Yes!” Russell stepped back. “But I’m... I’m...”  
Danny shrugged with a flick of his head, then reached out and took Russell’s hand. “Come on,” he whispered.

Once upstairs Russell had to get the box again; he had thought about putting it into his room but had been afraid he would jinx it. This time though, he avoided looking into the mirror. He was shivering when he opened the door to his room. 

Danny was sitting on the bed, shirtless, and was just pulling off his socks. He smiled at Russell when he came in, but then his expression became somewhat concerned. 

“Russ, are you really okay with this? We don’t have to do this if you’re not ready.”  
Russell walked over to the bed and put the box down together with the towel. He could hardly meet Danny’s eyes. “I... I’m shitting myself...”  
“Hey.” Danny got up and pulled him close. “We promised, remember? Don’t do it to...”  
“To do you a favour. I know.” 

Russell inhaled deeply and god... how could the smell of a person alone arouse him that much? Danny had his hands under his shirt again and Russell stepped back, lifted his arms and closed his eyes. Danny’s hands came to rest on his back again after he had dropped the shirt.

“God, Russell... you’re so gorgeous.” He kissed his shoulder and neck. “Just need to feed you better.”  
Russell giggled nervously and shivered under Danny’s gentle touch.   
“Come to bed,” Danny whispered and let go of him again. 

Russell got out of his jeans and Danny did the same before they settled down in the bed. They immediately had their arms around each other and their lips met in a hungry, but gentle kiss. Danny’s hands began to wander across Russell’s body, and eventually he slipped one into Russell’s briefs to cup his cock and stones. Russell moaned against Danny’s lips and his hips bucked into the touch. 

Danny sat up and pulled the briefs off Russell’s cock, and after a quick kiss onto the tip, pulled them down his legs. Russell impatiently kicked them off, so impatient that he almost kneed Danny into the face. Danny chuckled and quickly got rid of his boxers and then, without further ado, went down on Russell’s cock. 

“Danny...” Russell buried his hands into Danny’s hair, his fingernails scraping across Danny’s scalp. “Oh god...”  
Danny hummed deep in his throat around the hard flesh in his mouth and Russell gasped.   
“Oh god, Danny you feel so good...”  
Danny closed his hand around Russell’s stones and went down as deep as he could.   
“Danny!” 

Russell arched his back, effectively pushing even deeper into Danny’s mouth, not consciously of course, but Danny gagged and straightened up. 

“Sorry...” He coughed. “Shit...”  
“Fuck...” Russell sat up. “You okay?”  
Danny nodded with a smile. “Bit too deep, I guess.”  
“I’m sorry...”

Danny leaned down, licked up Russell’s cock and sucked the tip into his mouth. Russell fell back with a moan.

After a few enthusiastic yet gentle sucks, Danny let go of Russell’s cock again and lay down beside him. Russell immediately sat up and straddled his hips, grinding their dicks together, and the sensation made both of them moan. Then Russell let himself almost fall forward, his hands closing around Danny’s wrists, and pinned Danny down against the mattress. 

Danny pressed his head into the pillow with a strangled whimper, his eyes suddenly wide, and his whole body tensed up. He arched his back and his eyes widened even more when Russell didn’t loosen his grip.  
Russell watched his face and their eyes met; Danny’s lips were parted and his tongue flicked out to moisten them repeatedly, and his pupils were impossibly wide as well. Russell narrowed his eyes and increased the pressure on Danny’s wrists. Danny’s eyes rolled back into his head and he arched his back again.

“Fuck...” he gasped.  
“Oh,” Russell said slowly. 

Danny looked up at him, his breathing hard and fast. He looked almost scared, and Russell quickly let go of his wrists again. They stared at each other for a long moment. Then Russell leaned over Danny and kissed him, and they hungrily opened their mouths into the kiss, both of them more than eager to forget about the incident for now.

When they broke the kiss again, Danny dug his fingers into Russell’s hair. “We really, really don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” he whispered.  
“Danny...” Russell’s heartbeat sped up for more than one reason now. “I want to, but... I... oh fuck...” He sat up. “I... I’m afraid I fuck this up.”  
“You can’t.” Danny smiled and shook his head. “Worst that can happen is... is... that it doesn’t happen.”   
Russell bit his lower lip. “Fuck...” He whispered again. 

He then trailed a ling of kisses down Danny’s chest and down his treasure trail, and further down, pausing only to give his dick some attention. Then he sat up, ran both hands through his hair, and reached down where the box stood next to the bed. 

His hands were shaking so badly he almost couldn’t grasp the bottle. He looked up at Danny who had adjusted the pillow under his head and was breathing heavily as well. Then Danny pulled up his knees without taking his eyes of Russell.

Russell leaned forward and leaned his head against Danny’s knee and, after a deep breath, looked down towards his goal. 

“God...” He whispered, this time full of awe. Awe because the sight was far more arousing and beautiful than he could have imagined, because he had never been so close and intimate with Danny and his body, and because of the trust and desire Danny displayed, to allow him access to a part where he had never really wanted to be touched before. 

Shivers kept running down his spine and heat pooled in his stomach as he leaned forward but when his lips touched Danny’s skin, everything else suddenly faded out of his consciousness. Danny emitted a sound that was half moan, half surprised, high-pitched gasp, and his fists dug into the sheet when Russell proceeded to kiss and lick; gently and shyly at first but with increasing vigour as he listened to Danny moan and keen, unable to form words anymore. They were sounds of a quality he had never heard before. 

Digging his fingers into Danny’s thighs he kissed the spot again, and licked it, and tickled it with his tongue while humming lasciviously against Danny’s skin, thoroughly enjoying himself and the sounds that Danny made. Danny’s moans grew in intensity as Russell pressed the tip of his tongue right against the centre of the tight ring of muscle, and then he licked again, and pressed his lips against it for a wet, hot kiss. He couldn’t get enough of this. 

Suddenly Danny reared up. “Oh fuck... Russell, stop!”  
Russell hastily sat up and stared at Danny out of widening eyes. “Shit... what? Am I doing this wrong?”  
“No.” Danny swallowed and shook his head. “It’s just... it’s too much... too much of a good thing...”

Russell wiped the back of his hand across his mouth and swallowed. Their eyes met, and both chuckled nervously. 

After equipping himself with the bottle of lube now Russell meant to coat his finger, but he pressed too hard and ended up with lube all over his hand. He wiped it away on the sheet under him with an angry snort and tried again. He felt like the worst klutz and most clumsy bungler ever.

He managed in the second attempt and carefully touched the spot again, and began circling his fingers. He was now concentrating so hard, with his eyes pinched shut, that sweat began to bead on his temples. He focussed only on his memories and what Danny had been doing, and his breathing slowly turned in harsh gasps. His heart was beating so hard and fast that his blood was gushing in his ears and he could hardly hear Danny’s deep and heavy moan as his finger suddenly breached the barrier and slid into his body. 

Russell froze and his head fell against Danny’s leg again. He had to forcefully calm his breathing before he could continue, and then he repeatedly pressed kisses on the skin under his cheek as he circled his finger. Eventually he dared to push it in all the way. 

“Russell...” Danny rasped. “Oh my god...”

With short, shaky breaths, Russell turned his finger and searched, and when he found the little bump with the tip of his finger, Danny screamed and jerked so violently that Russell’s finger slipped out again. The sound Danny emitted upon the loss of contact could only be described as a sob. 

Russell quickly poured some more lube onto his fingers and continued to massage and stretch Danny’s hole, his stomach simultaneously cold and hot with anticipation and fluttering with nervousness that bordered on fear. 

“I think that’s... that’s enough,” Danny gasped at one point. 

After carefully pulling his finger out, Russell leaned back and grabbed a condom, but it took him forever to tear the wrapping open.

“Oh Fuck no...” He shook his head, hands trembling. “Fuck,” he growled again, and his growl turned into a sob. “Fuck!”  
“What?” Danny hastily sat up again.

Russell looked up, utterly miserable, his eyes filling with tears as a bead of sweat trickled down his face. “Shit... Dan... Danny I... I can’t...”  
Danny sat up onto his knees and ran a hand down Russell’s cheek, shoulder and arm, before he looked down. Russell wasn’t hard enough to get the condom on. 

Danny leaned forward and kissed him, and after releasing his lips, nipped the skin of his neck and shoulder. He bend down further, kissing and gently nipping Russell’s nipples, and trailed kisses further down until he had reached his cock that he swallowed down with a hum. 

Russell dropped his head back and dug his fingers into Danny’s hair. 

“Shit, Danny... I’m sorry...”  
Danny let go of his cock. “Forget it.”  
“But...”  
“I said forget it,” Danny said in a soft, low voice. “Next time.”

He continued what he was doing, and Russell’s breathing picked up speed again, his fingers digging into Danny’s scalp. Danny definitely knew what he was doing, and he cradled Russell’s stones in one hand while closing the fingers of his other hand around the base of Russell’s cock. He sucked hard and deep, and Russell moaned Danny’s name, again and again and again. He was quickly getting close. 

And suddenly Danny pulled back with a vulgar little plop and sat up. Russell all but wailed and stared at Danny with a look of deep betrayal in his eyes. Danny grinned before he quickly grabbed another condom, tore the wrapper open and rolled it onto Russell’s cock. He grabbed his shoulder and let himself fall back, pulling Russell down and on top of him. 

Russell sat back and Danny pulled up his knees again. Their eyes met again, but Russell was still breathing in harsh, short gasps. His whole body was tense and trembling at the same time as he lubed himself up, and he repeatedly had to blink sweat out of his eyes. 

He could hardly breathe anymore as the tip of his cock touched Danny’s entrance, and he pushed, slowly, hesitantly, gritting his teeth so hard it hurt.

“Oh God...” Russell’s voice was shaky and hardly audible. “Danny, I’m afraid I hurt you...”  
“Your head isn’t even in yet,” Danny gasped, craning his neck to look at him.  
“But you...” Russell swallowed. “You said I’m... I’m pretty well hung and I...”  
“Russell, just give me your cock!”

Russell swallowed again and moved, and was unable to make any sound, wasn’t even able to breathe for a few moments as he pushed into Danny’s body. Danny however moaned hard and loud enough for both of them. 

Russell’s breaths were short, trembling whimpers as he had sheathed himself completely, and droplets of sweat dripped down his face and ran down his shoulders and arms. 

“You gotta move...” Danny reminded him in a stertorous gasp. “Oh god, Russell...”

With his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open, Russell moved. Slowly at first, but then his ability to think deteriorated more and more with every thrust. His body began to take over, and he found a rhythm and speed that was neither too fast nor too slow for both of them to be comfortable with. Danny was repeatedly whispering Russell’s name, and at one point he reached for his cock and started furiously beating himself off.

Russell could hardly blink as he moved, his speed increasing now as he neared his orgasm, and sweat was still dripping from his chin, trickling down his arms and back and chest. He was surrounded by an array of little round dark spots on the sheet under him.

He was nearing and then suddenly past the point of no return, no longer moving consciously as he sped up and lost his rhythm. He heard Danny’s moans that bordered on screams, and then he came, on a heavy moan drawn out long enough that he ran out of breath and it petered out into a rough whistling breath. The look in his eyes triggered Danny’s orgasm in turn, and he came with a shout of Russell’s name. 

Russell almost fell out of the bed as he pulled out. He barely caught himself on his elbows, and his breathing was only slowly calming down. He was still dripping, too. 

“Hey...” Danny sat up after a moment and smoothed back his hair. 

His face was glistening with sweat as well, but Russell looked as if he had just taken a shower. He looked up, mouth still hanging open, and his arms slowly gave way under him. He fell flat onto his face and moaned into the mattress as Danny lowered himself down next to him and nudged Russell’s head with his forehead. 

“Hey,” he said again.

With a heavy, almost agonized groan, Russell managed to turn onto his back. He stared at the ceiling, but his eyes swivelled to Danny’s face as the latter propped himself up and leaned over him to cautiously remove the condom. 

“Hey,” Danny said for the third time. “You still alive in there?”  
Russell looked at him for a long moment. “Dunno,” he whispered, voice rough and low.

They looked at each other, Danny with a tender smile and Russell with an absolutely blank, expressionless face. Danny reached out and touched Russell’s cheek. 

“Great to be a guy, hm?” He whispered. “You can lose your virginity twice.”

Russell didn’t reply. Now Danny’s smile turned into a worried frown. 

“Shit, Russell, are you okay?”

Russell closed his eyes, and when he opened them again they were misting over.

“God, Russ...” Danny wanted to embrace him, but now Russell finally moved and pushed Danny’s arms away.   
“I’m disgusting.”  
“Come on.” Danny sat up again and picked up the towel. “Just a little sweaty.”  
“I’m drenched,” Russell said slowly. “I feel absolutely vile.”

Danny didn’t reply at first; he wiped the jizz off his chest and then turned the towel around to dab the sweat of Russell’s face. 

“Apart from feeling sweaty...” he began. “How do you feel now?”  
“Hard to say,” Russell whispered. “It’s... it’s kinda...”

Danny smiled and leaned over him. His hair fell down and while it wasn’t as long as it used to be, it still spread like a curtain around both their faces. 

“Did I hurt you?”  
“No. Honestly, no. It feels... I mean, you know that... it feels a bit weird at first, but not in a bad way, you know? But no... you didn’t hurt me. Not the slightest.”  
“Danny...”  
“Hm?”  
“I wanna kiss you but I’m gross.”  
Danny laughed softly while shaking his head and kissed him. 

“I need a shower,” Russell whispered after Danny had broken the kiss and eventually, was able to sit up again.   
“You probably do,” Danny replied. 

They looked at each other, and finally, Russell was able to smile. 

“Wow,” he said softly.  
Danny nodded, eyes soft and a tender smile on his lips. “I know.”  
“Just... wow.”  
“There’s no way back now.”

Russell swung his legs out of the bed but didn’t get up yet. Danny did the same and they sat next to each other for a moment.

“Does that mean we have to bicker about who’s going to top in the future?” Russell asked with a crooked grin.  
“Maybe we draw straws?”  
“Rock, paper, scissors?”

Their eyes met.

Then they both snorted and started laughing.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of course Anders knew it would happen.

Russell dragged himself into the bathroom and realised showering was an ordeal right now. So he just climbed into the bathtub, pulled the showerhead down as far as he could and sat down while the warm water rained down on him. 

He leaned back with a groan. Most of his muscles were sore, and he was drained in a way that he had never been before right after having sex. After soaping and rinsing off he cautiously reached down to give his business a wash, and the touch of his hand vividly reminded him of the sensation of earlier. Something so different from what he had known so far, so different from what he had ever been able to imagine. He had thought that a wet hole was more or less a wet hole and it couldn’t be that much different from a blow job but god... he had been so wrong that it was ridiculous.

He managed to crawl out of the tub again without hurting himself and wrapped himself into one of the new towels Seona had bought; they had the size of a small country and Russell loved them. He padded back to his room and headed for the wardrobe, and after taking out a T-shirt, sweatpants and a pair of briefs, sat down onto the bed. He could hear Danny rummage around downstairs. 

After some serious stretching Russell let himself fall over to dry off completely before dressing. His eyes fluttered shut.  
_  
He couldn’t open his eyes, but he felt the touch of hands on his bare skin. Roaming, wandering, slow and sensual, up and down his arms, across his chest and abdomen, down his legs and up again, a soft and tender touch that made his skin tingle. A pair of lips joined the gentle display of desire and kisses fell onto his heated skin like snowflakes, together with those hands giving him the feeling as if he was being touched everywhere at once._

_His heart was racing, his breathing fast and every breath a low moan. Touches and kisses everywhere, but he still remained hungry for the last touch that would bring him relief. And how he wanted, how he needed that relief; heat pooled in his stomach, he felt his cock throb and ache, but still, he was not able to open his eyes and see who was responsible for the delicious torture he was being put through. He did not have to see, though. Even without sight he knew the touch of those hands and lips._

_The sensation and the heat intensified, and his nerves began to tingle, and finally, finally, there was the touch he so desperately craved. Strands of cool silk brushed the skin of his thighs, a warm hand cupped his stones and hot moistness enveloped him and he heard his own voice, deep and heavy, as the heat suddenly burst out of him, every tingling nerve firing tiny sparks..._  
  
Russell woke with a low moan to an orgasm that was long, hard and that left him breathless; and it only slowly ebbed off to wrap his whole body in heavy warmth. 

He opened his eyes and found Danny straighten up and look at him with lowered eyelids and the most erotic smile he had ever seen on his lips after wiping the back of his hand across his mouth. Russell’s head was spinning a little, his brain still lost in the bliss of post-orgasm, and he could only emit a vaguely questioning hum. 

Danny sat up and buried the fingers of one hand in Russell’s hair. “Oh.” He shrugged, still smiling. “You were having a wet dream. And you know... I thought there’s no reason to waste a perfectly good boner.”

After staring at him for a moment, Russell was able to lift one arm. “Cuddle,” he muttered.  
Danny laughed softly and obliged, curling around him and closing on arm around Russell’s chest to pull him close.

“Hey,” Danny said after a moment. “Don’t fall asleep again. I made dinner.”  
“You what?” Russell’s mind jerked into wakefulness. “Shit... how long have I been asleep?”  
“’bout an hour, give or take.” Danny trailed his hand down Russell’s chest. “When I didn’t hear anything after twenty minutes I came and checked on you, and you were completely oblivious to the world. So I finished making dinner and... woke you up.”  
Russell hummed and snuggled closer into Danny’s embrace before moving away and sitting up. 

“I got wobbly knees,” Russell said after reaching for his briefs. “I think you broke me.”  
“Did I?” Danny sat up on his knees behind him and nipped the skin of Russell’s shoulder. “Everything seemed to work perfectly fine just a moment ago.”  
Russell slowly lifted both eyebrows and heaved a heavy sigh. “I think I’m suffering from sensory overload or something. I can’t think.”  
“No worries.” Danny got up and arched his back. “Get some food into your system and you’ll be as good as new.”

“Speaking of,” Russell said after pulling his T-shirt over his head. “You made dinner?”  
“Yes, I can cook.” Danny crossed his arms with a grin. “I mean, it’s not Johnson cuisine, but... you know, my mum couldn’t stand the thought of me living off pizza and beans on toast for the rest of my life after moving out, so she taught me. No excuses.”

They both chuckled and Russell managed to get his arms and head through the right holes.

“So yeah,” Danny went on. “I can do CSS cooking.”  
Russell pulled his T-shirt down his chest and gave Danny a puzzled look. “CSS?”  
“Cheap, solid, simple.” Danny lifted his hands, pulled the elastic out of his hair and combed it back to do a new ponytail. “She said she teaches me the basics and I can go from there with cookbooks if I want.”  
“Sounds fair enough,” Russell said and struggled to get his legs into his sweatpants. “So what did you make?”  
“A potato bake, and because I’ve been hanging around you and your dad for too long, a salad as well.”  
“Sounds great.” 

Danny gave Russell a hand up and after pulling up his pants, Russell let himself fall against him and slung his arm around Danny’s neck. Danny gave him a soft kiss and stepped back while indicating towards the door. 

“Smells good,” Russell remarked as they headed down the stairs. “What spices?”  
“White pepper and nutmeg. I learned a thing or two from you as well.” He grinned. “Would have liked some fresh parsley but there wasn’t any.”  
“He can cook,” Russell said with a happy smile as they rounded the corner and headed towards the kitchen. “This keeps getting better and better.”

Danny chuckled and pointed at the table that was already laid, and two bottles of beer were also there, together with the bowl of salad. 

“Sit down, I just get the thing out of the oven.”  
“Shit!” Russell gasped and hurried up the stairs again.  
Danny looked at the corner he had vanished around as he put on the oven mitts. “The fuck?” 

But Russell was already gone. Danny shrugged and put the bake onto the table and put a good portion on Russell’s plate, and then on his own as well. Before he could sit down Russell came back, and he gave Danny a shy smile before looking at his hands again. 

“Forgot it in the bathroom,” he said. “I guess I gotta get used to wearing it first.”

Danny took Russell’s left hand and kissed it. When he looked up again their eyes met, and it was impossible not to kiss. Lucky for them, a potato bake fresh out of the oven takes some time to cool.

There was absolutely nothing left of either bake or salad when they were done, and Russell put his fork down with a deep sigh of contentment. 

“That was great. Thank you.”  
“You’re welcome.” Danny finished the last of his beer. “Glad you like it.”  
Russell smiled and reached across the table to take one of Danny’s hands. “You know, just because you’re not as ridiculously excessive in the kitchen as me and my dad doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy your food.”

Danny took Russell’s left hand again and kissed it with closed eyes. Russell had to chuckle and smiled at Danny when he looked at him again.

“That’s something to tell our folks about.”  
Danny leaned back but didn’t let go of Russell’s hand. “You know... I almost wish we could keep this a secret, just for a while. Not because I don’t want to tell my folks,” He added hastily when he saw Russell’s smile vanish. “It’s just... uh...” He shrugged. “I kinda... I want to keep this... as something that’s just... ours? Just for you and me? Just for a while, I mean... of course we’re going to tell them.”

Russell’s smile was back, and he shook his head. “I totally get it, but... my dad will know.”  
Danny tilted his head.  
“I mean, he will see the ring, there’s no chance he won’t notice it. And then he’ll know. And I... I don’t want to lie to him, Danny.”  
“Of course not,” Danny said firmly. “So yeah... if he knows, he knows. But... you think you could ask him to keep it to himself for now?”  
“I can’t imagine he wouldn’t.” Russell’s eyes unfocussed for a moment. “I just hope that he’s...”  
“That’s he’s happy? Why wouldn’t he?”  
Russell blinked and met Danny’s eyes again. “Because I’m not even twenty?”  
“Do you think that’s going to be a problem?”

Russell shrugged. “Maybe he’ll think it’s too soon, or he thinks that this isn’t...” He shrugged again.  
“You know, I can’t imagine he would think that.”  
Russell stared at his plate. “I worry too much.”  
“Sometimes, you do.”

Russell looked up and their eyes met. Danny grinned so brightly it was ridiculous, and it had the desired effect: Russell had to laugh. Danny joined him, and they got up, kissed, and proceeded to do the dishes. They both made a few jokes about idyllic domesticity while they did so. 

They definitely had plans after going upstairs again, but they fell asleep while they were kissing.

* * *

Russell woke up to nature’s call and try as he might, he couldn’t postpone it. So he cautiously slid out of the bed without waking Danny and headed for the bathroom. He was no longer sore but the memory of the day before made him feel a little weak in the knees and made his stomach flutter. 

After he came back he softly closed the door of his room behind him, and when he turned around to look at the bed, his heart started beating faster and the butterflies were back. 

Danny was lying on his back, and with turning around had dislocated the blanket so it was hanging off the bed and just covered one leg. Russell drank in the sight of him, wishing he could commit it to memory as a painting, perfectly preserved, so he would forever be able to look at Danny like this.

Since a paramedic had to be physically fit and he meant serious business Danny was regularly going to the gym after he had started uni and it showed; it wasn’t that he was turning into a hunk of muscle, but the lines of his body were very well defined now. Not for the first time Russell thought he should maybe join him as he was beginning to feel physically insufficient next to his wonderful, gorgeous lover. 

That this man had pledged himself to spend the rest of his life with him humbled him, and simultaneously made him feel like the king of the world.

Danny sighed in his sleep and turned his head so he was facing Russell now. His hair was spread around his head, flowing down the pillow like dark silk, and his face was still soft and relaxed in deep sleep, the growing hair on his chin and jaw making him look more familiar now. And yes, even if it didn’t matter how Danny groomed himself, this was what he loved to look at most. How he had first laid his eyes on him. His Danny. 

Russell let his eyes travel along every line of Danny’s body, the fine, dark hair on chest and belly, the treasure trail and the dark triangle of curls that looked like a nest for his beautiful cock that was as relaxed and asleep as Danny himself. But when his eyes came to rest on Danny’s face again he vividly remembered his smile, the twinkle in his eyes and the hint of crow’s feet, the sound of his laugh, deep and soft and pleasant. The sound of his voice calling Russell’s name, and that special look of his face and the special light in his eyes when he played, his hair flying around his face when he made love to his drum kit. There was no other way to describe it. He played with body and soul and it had been the first thing Russell had fallen in love with. 

And the loss of his drum kit would have to feel like the loss of a limb. Russell’s throat went dry and his resolve hardened to get it back, but not without talking to him first. 

Lost in those thoughts he didn’t realise that Danny had woken up and only noticed that he was looking at him when he spoke.

“Russ?”  
Russell smiled. “I was admiring the view.”  
Now Danny smiled as well. “Come back to bed?”  
Russell didn’t waste a second. 

“You looked rather lovesick,” Danny remarked with a wink as Russell crawled under the blanket that he had pulled up again.  
“That’s because I am.” Russell snuggled against Danny’s chest and Danny closed an arm around him. “You’re... you’re so gorgeous, and I just... I wish I could keep that image as a picture so I...” Russell broke off because he felt Danny tense. “Danny?”  
“You... did you take a picture of me?”

Russell sat up again to look at him. “No, I didn’t. What makes you think I would just take a nude shot of you while you’re asleep?”  
Danny stared at the ceiling. “I... sorry. I don’t know. It’s... it kind of freaks me out to think that there are nudes of me.”  
“Danny, I swear I didn’t take any nude pictures of you. How could you even think that?” Russell didn’t hide the fact how hurt he was.

“Russ...” Danny looked at him and swallowed while shaking his head. “No... please, I didn’t think you had. I was... see... Annie, my first girlfriend, she was totally into making nudes and I was freaked out and totally against it, but I let myself be talked into... uh... taking some of her, but I... I swear I deleted them after I showed her. But after we broke up she was kinda... she thought I still had some. And that made me worry... you know, that she took some of me she hadn’t deleted and... you know?”

Russell settled back down and trailed a finger down Danny’s chest. “I swear I didn’t, and I will never take any nude pics of you. Never.”  
Danny relaxed again and licked his lips. “I’m sorry... I didn’t mean to...”  
“It’s okay. I understand.” Russell kissed the skin of Danny’s shoulder under his cheek. “I will have to build a photographic memory then.”  
“If you find out how then let me know,” Danny replied and turned his head to look at him. 

Their eyes met and Russell swallowed. 

“You’re so gorgeous... and I can’t really grasp that... I still haven’t... that you’re mine. That...”  
“Yours,” Danny whispered and lowered his head. “And you’re mine.”

Russell threaded his fingers into the thick black hair and closed his eyes as their lips met. 

When Danny leaned back again, Russell traced his jaw line and cheek with a finger.

“Any idea when?”  
Danny didn’t have to ask. “I don’t know... but I can’t see it happening anytime soon, if you know what I mean.”  
“Honestly... neither do I,” Russell said with a smile. “But I’m happy to be...” His eyes unfocussed for a moment and his smile both widened and softened. “Engaged... I’m engaged.” He looked at Danny again and lowered his eyes for a second. “I’ll be happily engaged to you until it happens.”

Danny pulled Russell on top of him and into a kiss. 

“You know...” Russell got comfortable on Danny’s chest after the kiss. “I thought you’d be... well... more affected by what happened yesterday.”  
“Hm? Oh.” Danny grinned. “Uh... no. Or, I am. I feel... I’m a bit sore, yes, but... you know, I feel great. I can take on anything right now.” Then he winked. “As long as I don’t have to do it sitting down.”  
Russell bit his lips, then grinned. “Anything?”  
“Anything.”

Russell nuzzled the dark chest hair with his nose. “Feed me?”  
Danny dramatically dropped his head into the pillow. “God, that’s a tough one...”  
“Oaf.”  
“Oaf yourself.”

Russell narrowed his eyes and poked Danny right under the last rib. Danny squeaked and threw him off.

“Bastard!”  
“Yes, I know.” Russell sat up. “So feed me, because I know all your ticklish spots.”  
Danny sat up as well and gave Russell a glare. “You’re cruel.”  
“I know. And I’m starving.”  
After labouring onto his feet, Danny picked up his boxers. “Can’t have that.”  
“Nope.”

After they had dressed, Danny sat down next to Russell who sat on the edge of the bed and was looking at his hand lying in his lap. The ring was resting in the palm of his left hand.

“You know, I thought...” Russell looked up. “If you want to keep this our secret, then I could keep it up here and not wear it.”  
Danny wordlessly took Russell’s left hand and the ring and slipped it onto Russell’s finger.  
“I guess that means no.”

Their eyes met and Danny rested a hand on Russell’s cheek. “See, I’ve been thinking... I mean... I don’t really... you know this makes me so happy I should yell it from every roof top and I still... I’m just... afraid what my folks will say, but I am not going to take it back. And...”  
“Danny, I understand,” Russell interrupted him and placed a kiss onto the palm of Danny’s hand. “I really do. Things were pretty upset and are still not really worked out, are they? Telling them this could trigger another shitstorm. Or at least that’s what I’d be worried about if I were you.”

Danny visibly sagged with relief. “Oh Russ...” He shook his head and kissed Russell’s forehead. “How can you be so awesome?”  
“Runs in the family, I guess.” Russell smiled and brought their foreheads together. “But honestly... I understand. So... I don’t have the slightest problem with not talking to your folks about it. But as I said... my dad will now.”  
“It’s okay.” Danny leaned back with a smile. “He won’t call my dad to gush about the good news now, will he?”  
“Fuck no.” Russell got up, stretched, and held his hand out to Danny. “And now feed me before I pass out.”  
“Can’t let that happen, can we?” Danny said and let Russell give him a hand up.

The moment Russell opened the door to his room, the door downstairs opened as well and Anders waved cheerfully up the stairs.

“Morning!”   
“Hey Dad!”  
Anders looked over his shoulder. “Or... is it still morning?”  
“It’s past eleven but before noon,” Seona said. “So yes, technically it’s still morning.”

Russell and Danny headed down the stairs as Seona closed the door behind her. 

“Told you so,” Anders said to his son, pointing his finger at him as he headed for the kitchen.  
Russell rolled his eyes and blushed, and Anders winked.

“Lucky for you we stopped at the bakery,” Seona said with a broad, happy smile. “So there are rolls, and fresh bread, and a banoffee pie.”  
“Banoffee!” Danny squeaked.  
Seona put a hand on his shoulder. “I know,” she said gravely.

They exchanged a silly grin. Banoffee pie wasn’t only Danny’s favourite.

Anders had put the bag down with a chuckle and headed for the coffee maker.

“So,” Danny began as Anders got the cups out. “Anders?”  
Anders looked at him, and when he noticed his expression, left the kitchen. “Hm?”  
Danny bit his lip. “I just... I wanted to thank you. You’ve been... you’ve been beyond awesome, with... with just leaving the house to us so we could... work things out.”

Anders patted his shoulder with a smile. “You’re welcome. And believe me, it’s in my own interest as well to have you two figure things out.” He headed back into the kitchen and ran a hand down Seona’s back, who had switched on the kettle to brew a cup of tea. “I value my eardrums you know,” Anders went on. “Though the house could really do with a good hoovering right... Ow!”

Seona had smacked the back of his head and was now glaring at him. 

Danny shook his head with a smile and exchanged a look with Russell who shrugged and rolled his eyes.

They proceeded to lay the table while Anders made coffee, but as they were about to settle down Anders suddenly froze. 

Then he laid a hand on Russell’s shoulder. 

Russell looked at him, and Anders looked into his son’s face for a few seconds before lowering his eyes. Then he reached out and took Russell’s left hand. Russell swallowed and bit his lower lip as his father lifted his head again. 

Their eyes met for a long, silent moment, then Anders shook his head, a smile growing on his face, and he pulled his son into a fierce, rib-cracking hug while pressing Russell’s head into his shoulder. Russell slung his arms around his father and let himself be slightly rocked back and forth while he held on.

Danny crossed his hands behind his back with a smile he couldn’t stop from growing wider, and Seona left the kitchen with an expression that was beyond puzzled. 

Eventually Anders let go of his son again, his eyes misting over when he looked at him, and shook his head with a fond smile.

“I knew that would happen,” he said. Then he looked at Danny and held out an arm.

After a moment’s hesitation, Danny stepped forward and let himself be hugged together with Russell.

Seona was still none the wiser as she stepped closer. Anders let go of the two again and looked at his wife, smiling and shaking his head, and then he swallowed hard.

“Those two...” He said. “They’ll be the death of me, I swear.”  
“Would you mind telling me what’s going on?”

Now Russell looked up and met Danny’s eyes, and Danny smiled and took his hand. They entwined their fingers and Danny lifted their joined hands to show Seona the ring.

Seona’s shriek of joy made all three of them wince, but before either Russell or Danny could say anything, Seona had pulled them into a hug and kissed their foreheads while she ruffled their hair. “My boys!” She squeezed them as hard as she could. “God, my bonnie wee barras I’m so happy!”

Anders left them, headed through the side entrance into the garage from which he returned after a moment equipped with a bottle of champagne.

“Kept that for a special occasion,” he said as he expertly removed the cork without spilling a drop. “And if this isn’t a special occasion then I don’t know what is.” 

Within moments, Anders had produced four glasses and filled them, a bright grin on his face. He handed them out and they brought their glasses together with a clink before drinking.

“You know...” Russell looked at his feet for a moment and then at his father again. “I thought... I thought you wouldn’t be...”  
“Wouldn’t be?”  
“Uh... exceptionally happy about this...”  
“What? Why?”  
“Because.” Russell took a deep breath. “I mean, I said it on your wedding, right? I’m only nineteen.”

“Russ...” Anders draped an arm around his son. “I’ve been waiting for that since last year. I knew it was only a matter of time, and... well.” He cleared his throat. “When that disaster happened with your break up I was crushed too.”

Russell chewed his lips, but then Danny stepped closer, and Anders let go of his son who stepped into Danny’s embrace

“So you’re only nineteen.” Anders took a sip of his champagne. “Maybe it’s too early, but who’s to know that? It’s fucking clear as rain that you two belong together and last time I checked there was no minimum age requirement for finding the love of your life.”

Both Danny and Russell blushed and leaned their heads together so their temples touched.

After a moment, Seona lifted her glass. “You caught the flowers, right? No way around it, was there?”  
Russell looked up again, the blush on his cheeks darkening as he smiled crookedly at Danny. “I... didn’t exactly catch them, you know...”  
“Who cares,” Danny said and pulled him close. “Not a chance of escape, mate.”  
Anders lifted his glass. “I fucking drink to that.”

All four of them chuckled and knocked their glasses back.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The god of poetry sort of makes a guest appearance and something happens that no one saw coming.

After a long brunch with rolls, fresh bread, eggs and a banoffee pie, Anders fetched another round of coffee and a lovingly made cup of tea for his wife – Anders was a dick but he at least knew how to make reparations – and looked at his son for a moment

“So,” he began. “Have you... you haven’t set a date yet, have you?”  
Russell blushed a little. “No, we haven’t. See... we’re both...”  
“We’re both still at uni,” Danny went on for him. “And right now we can’t even afford to move in together so...” He shrugged. “Not anytime soon.”  
“Makes sense.” Anders nodded and looked back and forth between them. “But Danny,” he said then. “Did you plan that?”

“Uh...” Danny swallowed and cleared his throat. “I... not really, no. I thought... you know, all I thought of was how to move on and... but when we... when we talked and... uhm... it just... it felt like the right thing to do... and you know... it actually feels as if... uh...”  
“I am not going to bite you and I already gave you the shovel talk, so just speak your mind,” Anders said with a friendly smile.

Danny cleared his throat again and pushed a few crumbs around on his plate with a finger. “The thing is... I just... I spent so much time thinking about him and I missed him and I just... I...” He finally looked up and met Anders’s eyes. “I just don’t... I missed him like fuck, you know? Even when I was still absolutely furious I still missed him and... I was thinking of how we could fix this, but then I’d be angry again because we had to fix this in the first place and...” He broke off with an angry huff and combed back his hair with his fingers. “It was just a rotten bad timing too, you know? I’m not making any excuses, there’s no excuse for what... but when Russ and Emma caught me it was just... hours after someone had bought my drum kit and I was just... I was hurting and I was... I lost my shit like never before. I...”  
“Danny, we’ve been over that,” Russell said firmly.

“Yeah, I know.” Danny dug the heel of his hand into one eye, then the other. “Shit. Anyway. I realised that moment that now we’d never be able to fix this and it went up for me that I wanted to fix it and had just... god, I know I fucked it up. I can’t even...” He shook his head and finally, looked at Anders again. “When I realised that now I’d never be with him again.... it felt as if something broke, inside. I have never hurt that much, and I knew it was my own fault... and when... when we fixed it after all I couldn’t... look...” He took a few deep breaths. “Look,” he said again. “Russ means the world to me and then some. I told him yesterday I never want to let him go again and I mean it. And it feels as if... as if the whole shitstorm was just... it was all leading up to this.”  
“To you...” Anders said slowly, pointing at Danny “...and him...” He pointed at Russell “... getting married.”  
“Uh...” Danny took another deep breath. “Yes. Sort of. I mean... shit...” He looked at the ceiling. “Fuck.”

Anders patted his arm. “Take your time.”  
“Dad, can’t you just let him off the hook?” Russell narrowed his eyes.  
“I wasn’t aware I was hooking him.” Anders looked at his son.  
“It’s okay Russ.” Danny pressed his lips together for a moment. “Yeah, I’m not smart, I know. And I don’t mean I’m stupid because I’m not, but...”  
“We know what you mean,” Anders said.   
“Yeah... fuck.” Danny shrugged. “The point is that I’ve been with Russ for more than a year after I crushed on him for almost a year, and after we broke... uh... after I dumped him because of that fuck-up, I realised that I just don’t... uh... I mean... Life is shit without him, you know?”  
“Can’t live without him?” Anders asked with a smile.

Now Danny looked squarely into his eyes. “I’m pretty sure I can live without him,” he said flatly. “But I don’t want to. I’ve tried, and it sucks.”

Anders’s smile softened and he took one of Danny’s hands. “I can see he’s in good hands with you.”  
“Dad...” Russell rolled his eyes.   
“I mean it.” Anders let go of Danny’s hand and picked up his cup. “It’s not as if I was going to stop you, but it’s good to see you’re not jumping the gun on this. And allow me some feeling of relief upon realising that the man you’ve pledged yourself to isn’t a total cocksplat.”  
“Dad!”  
“Thanks.” Danny lifted one eyebrow. “I guess.”

Seona shook her head and looked into her tea.  
“What?” Anders looked at her.” What did I say wrong this time?”  
“Technically, nothing,” she replied. “But your choice of words was maybe...”  
“Perfectly Anders Johnson,” Russell finished for her.   
Seona sighed. “If that’s his way to tell you he’s giving you his blessing then okay... I still think he might have phrased this a bit more...” She broke off with a shrug.

Anders narrowed his eyes and wordlessly reached out to take one of Russell’s hands and one of Danny’s. He put them together between his own.

“As Russell’s father and lone surviving parent, I hereby bequeath the hand of my son to you...” 

Russell and Danny looked at each other with a small, half-amused frown.

“...Daniel Barnett, that he be united with you in the bonds of holy matrimony...”

“Dad...”

“... and may the waters of prosperity gently rain on the budding flowers of your love and let them bloom into beautiful perfection...”

“Dad.”

“...and may the winds of kindness keep all dark clouds of anger away so your loving smiles will forever continue to grace your faces...”

“Dad!”

“...and may the rainbow bridge of harmony connect your hearts forever more.”

Anders looked at Seona. Seona stared back with one corner of her upper lip curled up and her eyebrows drawn down into the most confused _What-the-actual-fuck_ -expression the world had ever seen.

Then Anders looked at Danny and Russell again who didn’t look much better.

“Don’t be dicks to each other,” he said and got up to get more coffee.

Seona facepalmed and had to rest her head in her hand as she did so. She muttered something of which the words _god_ , _poetry_ and _wanking_ were intelligible.

Russell and Danny looked to each other, and while Russell pursed his lips into a slightly annoyed pout, Danny’s shoulders began to tremble. He bit his lips, couldn’t suppress a tiny snort, and then fell forward, buried his face into his folded arms and emitted a sound that was somewhere between a grunt and a whine.

“Danny?” Russell leaned forward with a worried frown.

Danny shook his head and straightened up again. He looked at Russell for a second and then all dams burst. He snorted again and erupted into howling laughter, and he was laughing so hard he had tears running down his cheeks. 

Russell looked at Seona who was shaking her head again and again and again. 

“Who wants more coffee?” Anders called from the kitchen.  
“I do,” Russell said while giving Danny side-eyes. “And I’m pretty sure Danny wants one too even if he’s presently occupied with trying not to suffocate.”

Anders fetched their cups to get them another coffee.

“You know,” he said as he put the cups down. “This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Happy thoughts!”  
“I guess Danny can’t get any happier,” Russell said half-amused, half-exasperated while looking at his fiancé-nee-boyfriend who had just managed to calm down into an occasional giggle while wiping his eyes and cheeks.

Since Anders refrained from any more quipping the mood calmed down somewhat, and after the next coffee Russell asked Danny if they could talk. They made another coffee to fortify themselves and settled down in the living room. Russell closed the door and sat down beside Danny without looking at him. 

Danny nudged him in the ribs after a moment. “What’s up, hm?”  
Russell began kneading his fingers. “Danny, I... I almost fucked up again.”  
“Well, since you said _almost_ I’m actually not too worried,” Danny said with a shrug.  
“But I am,” Russell replied with an unhappy frown. “But... yeah. I talked to my dad and luckily he put my head on straight again. I think on my own I’d have... shit...”

Danny tilted his head and lifted his eyebrows questioningly. “You’d have? Come on, Russ, I don’t think anything happened so if you want to talk to me about it you’d better get it over with.” With that he draped an arm around Russell’s shoulders.

“I wanted...” Russell closed his eyes. “See, I actually didn’t want... I didn’t want to talk to you about it because I’m worried that... I don’t want to hurt you, and I’m sure I will. But not talking to you isn’t an option so...”  
“Russell.” Danny kissed his temple. “Come on.”

Russell sighed, eyes still closed. “I wanted... it’s because of your drum kit.”  
Danny tensed a bit, but kept his arm in place.  
“See I wanted... I wanted to do this without telling you because I was afraid talking about it would hurt you.”  
“It does,” Danny said simply. “So as I said, just get it over with.”

After another sigh Russell opened his eyes but kept staring straight ahead.

“So. I told you about the savings account, right? And I meant it. And no, you don’t have to... I am not just giving you the money if you don’t want it, you just don’t have to pay me back right now. Just... just whenever you can.”  
Danny nodded.  
“And the thing is...” Russell finally forced himself to look at Danny. “I didn’t want to get your hopes up and have you hurt if it wouldn’t work out and if it hadn’t been for my dad I’d have done it and... shit.” Russell buried his face in his hands. “I thought I’d learned my lesson but apparently I haven’t,” he muttered.

“It sounds as if you have and are just forgetting it while being overeager,” Danny said slowly. “But maybe this will help you remember.”  
“That’s what my dad said.”  
“See. We’re two against one.”  
Russell huffed out a mirthless chuckle.  
“But you still haven’t told me what exactly it was you were going to do.”

“Yeah so...” Russell went on after a moment. “My plan was to ask your parents if they still have the contact details of the people who bought it and try to buy it back.”  
“Okay.” Danny took a deep breath. “Okay. Even if that had worked out it would have definitely pissed me off as well.”  
“I know.” Russell shrugged. “And so... yeah. Even if it could get your hopes up only to have them shattered again... I had to tell you.”  
“Definitely. But Russ...” Danny pulled him closer. “Thank you. Even if it won’t work out.”

Russell looked at Danny again and reached out to tuck a lose strand of hair behind Danny’s ear. 

“You will be a drummer again,” he said in a low voice. “I swear you will. Because... I... if you want, that is. Because if you want, I can buy you a new one if this doesn’t work out. I know it won’t be the same but... you would be a drummer again, at least.”  
Danny smiled and turned his head to kiss Russell’s finger. “Thank you,” he said softly. “It means so much.”

Then Danny reached out and rested a hand on the back of Russell’s neck. “You know what the worst bit was of this... break-up fuck?”  
Russell smiled and ran his finger down Danny’s cheek. “Not making music anymore.”  
Danny leaned forward and kissed him. 

They proceeded to kiss and cuddle for a while before Danny sat up again and brushed a handful of Russell’s curls back. 

“Say,” he began. “Do you have any idea where we can put it?”  
Russell smiled and the smile widened into a grin.  
“Hm?” Danny poked him in the ribs. “What is that smile supposed to mean?”  
“That I indeed have a place where I can put it and... it’s ours.”  
“What?” Danny asked breathlessly. “Where?”

Russell then told him about the practice room that his uncle Axl was willing to provide them with. Danny stared at him with widening eyes and shook his head. 

“Are you fucking serious?”  
Russell grinned like a Cheshire cat.  
Danny pulled him close and kissed all breath out of him. 

“Come on,” he said after releasing him. “Let’s go.”  
“Go where?” Russell let Danny give him a hand up.  
“See my folks.” Danny grinned. “So maybe my baby’s gone for good, but that is too good to pass up.”  
“I still would...” Russell began as he straightened his T-shirt.  
“Yes, so would I.” Danny shrugged. “But you know... I’ve had some time to come to terms with this. So... it could be worse. It’s a chance, and I know it probably won’t work out. But it’s worth a shot. And if you really...”  
“Abso-fucking-lutely!” Russell said firmly. “Let’s go.”

They left after a quick goodbye for Anders and Seona who were sitting at the dining table, and jumped into Danny’s car. They both were too excited to talk during the drive. 

Danny took a deep breath to calm himself before unlocking the door

“Mum? Dad?”  
“Hi Daniel!” Came his mother’s voice from the living room. 

Russ and Danny headed there hand in hand. Danny frowned and looked down at their joined hands, then he saw that Russell had twisted the ring so the stone faced inwards and was not visible. He breathed a soft _thank you_ into Russell’s ear. Russell smiled and winked.

“Dad?” They entered the living room and Danny let go of Russell’s hand to smoothen back his hair.   
“What is it?” Roger Barnett asked while turning down the volume of the rugby game he was watching. He wasn’t aggressive or annoyed, it was just the way he ticked.  
“We... Russ and me, we’d like to ask something.”  
Danny’s father got up while his mother kept frowning at her knitting while busily counting stitches. “And what would that be?” 

Russell and Danny exchanged a look. 

“We wanted to ask if you still have the contact details of the people who bought my drum kit,” Danny said. “Russell has some money put aside and we would like to try and buy it back.”  
Danny’s father lifted both eyebrows.  
“It wouldn’t have to go into your attic again!” Russell hurriedly said. “We were lucky enough that my uncle Axl has a basement in his company building that he doesn’t need. We can have that as a studio.”  
“That sounds great,” Roger Barnett said, clearly offering another olive branch. “Congratulations.”

The two smiled at each other before Danny looked at his father again.

“So,” he began, somewhat hesitantly. “Do you still have a number?”  
“There’s no point in calling them,” his father said.  
Danny’s shoulders fell and he bit his lips. “Okay... shit. Okay. Was worth a try.”  
“Apart from that it’s a bit... well... I’d almost say annoying that you won’t need the attic anymore, as much as it’s a relief.”  
“Dad?” Danny scratched the back of his neck.  
“Come along,” his father said. “At least I finally managed to sort all that stuff up there.”

They followed Danny’s father upstairs, and then up the narrow flight of stairs leading into the attic. It was obvious on first sight that most of the junk that had cluttered the place had been cleared away, and the windows had been cleaned as well.

“Wow...” Danny said, looking around with a wistful smile. “But a cleared up attic is a nice thing to have anyway, right?”  
“Right,” his father replied. Then he twitched his head, indicating at the other wall with his chin.

Russell and Danny turned around to look at the far wall where Danny’s drum kit had stood under the gable window. 

A large, bulky item was sitting there under a tarp.

Danny spun around again and stared at his father out of wide eyes, his breathing picking up speed. “Dad?” He asked in a shaky voice.  
His father nodded wordlessly.  
Danny looked at the tarp again and back at his father. “Dad...?”  
“You see,” His father said and rested a hand on his son’s shoulder. “I still hate that music. But I...” He cleared his throat. “But I love my son.”

At that point Russell turned away because he suddenly felt like an intruder. He could hear them embrace and stared out of the window while blinking his tears away. He hadn’t seen that coming. Never in a million years. 

“I know what...” Roger Barnett began hesitantly. “There was no point in trying to hide how much selling that thing hurt you. I know how much you love playing. And I couldn’t stand to see you so heartbroken.” Then he pointed at what clearly had to be a drum kit under the tarp. “It’s yours.”  
“Thank you,” Danny breathed and wiped his eyes. “Thank you...”

Then he spun around again and hurried over to the gable window, with Russell in tow who helped him remove the tarp. 

Danny was trying to keep his breathing calm as they uncovered the kit, but then he suddenly froze. His eyes widened almost comically as he stared at the array of dark red drums and he began to shake his head. Running a finger along the edge of one of the cymbals he stepped around it and lowered himself into a crouch. 

On the clamp that held the skin of the bass drum in place he found, at the very bottom, two letters carved into the metal: 

D B

He had put those letters there himself eight years ago and had ruined his pocket knife in the process.

For a long, silent moment he just crouched there staring at those letters, then he reached out and traced a finger across the rim of the bass drum.

“Hey baby,” he whispered let himself drop onto his backside with a sob. Within a second, tears were trickling down his cheek while he stared at the drums in utter silence, as if he had turned into stone.

Russell looked up at Danny’s father who had crossed his arms and was watching Danny with an unmoving face. “Thank you,” he said.  
Danny’s father slowly inclined his head. 

“Daniel?” Danny’s mother was just coming up the stairs and smiled at Russell after casting a quick glance at her husband. “Did we put it up the right way?”

That got Danny out of his stupor and he got up again while repeatedly wiping his eyes. He looked the whole thing over and began to adjust a few things, just a tug here and a push there. Then he fell down onto the stool and stared at the bass drum. 

Russell looked at Danny’s parents again and headed for the window. And true to his memory, a pair of drumsticks was lying on the windowsill, a bit dusty by now after the weeks of disuse. He picked them up and nudged Danny in the back with them as he stepped beside him. Then he held them out to him. 

Danny swallowed and tried to smile as he took them. 

Russell leaned forward with a smile and lowered his eyelids before bringing his lips close to Danny’s ear. “Come on,” he whispered so softly that only Danny could hear him. “Give her a good banging. I’m sure she missed you as much as you missed her.” With that, he pulled the elastic out of Danny’s hair and stepped back.

Danny gave him a crooked little smile and shook his head. Then he adjusted his position and did a long drum roll that he ended with a bang on a cymbal. He lifted one arm, the drumstick pointing straight up. 

And when he dropped the arm again, he was instantly in another realm. There he was again, Russell thought, throwing himself at his drum kit with abandon and flying hair, his eyes half closed and lips slightly parted. Playing hard and fast and wild, his arms flying across the drums and cymbals, Danny made it look as if it was totally effortless, as if he hadn’t spent years learning the moves and building up strength. 

He got faster and faster and in a sudden pause he threw up one stick, expertly caught it again and ended the whole performance with a literal bang. 

In the subsequent silence, his heavy breathing was the only sound. His eyes were glassed over and a few hairs stuck to his cheeks but he was grinning like an idiot. In short, he looked as if he had eaten more than one dope cookie. 

“Honestly,” his mother suddenly said. “I had no idea it looks that... athletic.”  
Danny gave her a happy grin.   
Russell stepped behind him and rested his hands on Danny’s’ shoulders. “He’s good,” he said. “He’s damn good.”  
Danny looked flustered.   
“He’s the best.”  
“Oh come on.”   
Russell dropped a kiss onto his head. “Best drummer ever.”  
Danny snorted, but his cheeks were glowing and he was smiling. 

Danny’s father cleared his throat and they quickly dropped the lovesick grins and looked at him.

“Since you have a facility now,” he began. “It’s probably not going to be relevant anymore but... anyway. I wanted to offer you that you can use the place to practise until the concert in November. But it seems like you can move before that.”

Danny got up and put the drumsticks on the stool. He quickly stepped around the drum kit and walked up to his father.

“Thank you,” he said. “Thank you, Dad. You have no idea what that means to me.”  
Roger Barnett put both hands onto his son’s shoulders. “Oh Daniel... I do. Believe me. I do.”

After a moment the two embraced again, and Danny’s father repeatedly patted his son’s back. 

Russell exchanged a look with Danny’s mother, and neither of them could suppress a broad and happy smile.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're in love, and life is good.

Russell and Danny both stared at the stairway after Danny’s parents had left, and kept on staring at it for a long while.

“Who is that man?” Danny finally asked softly. “And what has he done to my dad?”

Russell slung both arms around Danny’s chest and closed his eyes. 

And suddenly he saw snow, and felt the bite of a cold wind, and he saw an old man kneel down in front of a dead tree. He shuddered violently and Danny quickly closed his arms around him. 

“Russ?” He whispered into his curls.  
“I... I dunno...” Russell whispered back, burying his face into Danny’s shoulder. “Maybe he... maybe he remembered what’s important about being a dad.”  
Danny kissed the top of his head. “Feels weird, though.”  
“What does?” Russell lifted his head and placed a kiss onto Danny’s chin. “Having a dad?”  
“Seeing him get so emotional,” Danny replied and leaned back to look at Russell.  
“Emotional?” Russell tilted his head. “He didn’t move a muscle in his face.”  
“Yeah.” Danny shrugged with a crooked little grin. “My dad in a nutshell. You don’t know him as well as I do.”  
“No.” Russell bit his lip. “I don’t.”

Danny claimed his lips in a kiss that was warm and gentle and left Russell in no doubt that they were not going _there_. 

After breaking the kiss Russell leaned back and ran all fingers through Danny’s hair. “Play something for me?”  
Danny chuckled. “It’s not as if I could play you a song on that.”  
“Doesn’t matter.” Russell let go of him and sat down cross-legged next to the stool. “Just play.”

Shaking his head with a smile Danny sat down as well and adjusted his seat. Russell rested his chin on Danny’s right thigh and smiled up at him. Danny ruffled his curls and poked Russell’s nose with the tip of a drumstick.

Then he started with the bass drum, a few double taps with a pause in between, like a heartbeat. He sped that up before he twirled the drumsticks between and around his fingers. 

“What happens to gravity when you do that?” Russell asked without taking his chin of Danny’s thigh.  
“Professional secret.”  
Russell snorted softly.  
“I mean, seriously.” Danny kept the heartbeat rhythm and looked down. “What happens to the joints in your fingers when you play guitar?”  
“Huh?”  
“I mean, you know...” Danny did several drums rolls in quick succession. “When I watch you play some of those chords I’m thinking that... you know, fingers aren’t supposed to be able to bend into all different directions like that.”  
“Professional secret,” Russell chuckled.  
“See.”

Danny focussed on his kit now and played more energetically, but faltered when Russell’s hand began to sneak up his leg and the inside of his thigh.

“Play, or... play?” He asked, looking down at Russell.  
Russell grinned mischievously up at him. “Both?”  
“You’re not fucking serious?”  
“Danny...” Russell stopped his hand just shy of Danny’s groin. “By the sheer number of times I’ve been jerking off thinking about certain scenarios, then sexual fantasy number three is sitting on your lap while you beat me off.” He made a significant pause.  
“Check,” Danny said after a moment.  
“Number two: Having you on your knees before me, in the shower.”  
“Check,” Danny said and adjusted his position. “And... number one?”

With ever so slightly parted lips Russell lowered his eyelids and his finger ghosted forward and over the buttons of Danny’s fly. His tongue flicked out and vanished again, leaving a trace of moisture on his lower lip.

Danny swallowed audibly and adjusted his position again. “That will so not work,” he said slowly.  
“You so sure about that?” Russell asked, giving him his best come-hither look.  
Danny shifted and reached out to adjust his crotch. “Fuck...” He whispered.  
“Maybe once when we have the studio done?” Russell lowered his voice into a smoky whisper. “You could bend me over the bass drum and pound both of us simultaneously.”  
“You’re mental,” Danny whispered.  
“I know.”

After a deep breath, Danny shook his head and shifted again. He twirled one of his drumsticks and looked down again at Russell who was chewing his lips and was very much trying not to look disappointed. Danny gently pressed the tip of one drumstick under his chin to make him look up.

“Do you have any idea how hot and bothered you just made me?”  
Russell shrugged, but with a smile. 

Without taking his eyes of Russell’s, Danny reached down and undid the first button of his black jeans. Then he adjusted one foot, and the heartbeat rhythm was back again. Wordlessly, Russell sat up into a crouch and reached out between Danny’s legs, and with one hand at the small of Danny’s back to steady himself, bent over his lap.

* * *

Danny’s mother looked up from her knitting and at the ceiling, then at her husband who was staring at the screen with a satisfied grunt after watching the ABs score a try. 

“Should we tell them they’re not as subtle as they think they are?” She asked.  
Roger Barnett cast her a look from the corner of his eyes. “No need to make them feel embarrassed.”  
She counted a few stitches and chuckled. “Luckily the thing’s up in the attic.”  
“Dorothy.”

She looked up at her husband and nudged him in the ribs with a smile. Danny’s father draped an arm around her shoulder, the corners of his lips twitching as he did so.

* * *

After Danny had retaliated Russell sat back against the wall under the window and watched and listened to Danny play for a bit more. Upon request, Danny had taken his shirt off and Russell was watching the muscles in his back, shoulders and arms, caressed by flying strands of black hair. He had to adjust his crotch again at one point; god... he couldn’t get enough of that man. 

Eventually though Danny had to stop, and despite Russell’s protest picked up his shirt and wiped the sweat off his face. Russell got up and stepped close, rested his hands on Danny’s hips and bit his lips.

“I ‘m pretty sure you being all sweaty shouldn’t turn me on that much,” he said. “I could watch you forever.”  
“No, you couldn’t, because at one point you wouldn’t be able to keep your hands to yourself anymore.” Danny grinned and slung the shirt over one shoulder. “Apart from that, I really need a potty break.”

Russell pulled him into a kiss and let him go again, and they headed down the stairs and to Danny’s room. Danny dropped the shirt onto the bed and vanished again while Russell sat down on the bed and had a look around. 

It went up for him at that moment how little time they had actually spent in Danny’s room in all that time they had been first friends and then lovers. Some of the posters had changed, and there were a few pictures of him and Russell taped to the wall above the head end of the bed. Russell leaned over with a smile.

There was a selfie of them in which they both grinned into the camera like idiots, another one where Russell stuck out his tongue and Danny squinted, one picture of a beach party where Danny was giving Russ a piggy back ride and another of the same party where they both were playing air guitar with flying hair. They hadn’t been exactly sober anymore at that point. 

The door opened. “Put them there in case I need a smile,” Danny said as he closed the door again behind him. “Works pretty well.”  
Russell looked up at him with a grin. “The real stuff is even better.”  
“You don’t say.” Danny, still without his shirt, fell down onto the bed next to him. “Really?”

Russell opened his mouth to say something but Danny leaned forward and kissed him before a word could emerge. He pressed against Russell’s shoulders and Russell sank back onto the mattress. Danny settled down next to him without breaking the kiss and let one hand roam under Russell’s T-shirt. 

Russell squirmed under the touch, and they stopped kissing for as long as it took Russell to get rid of his shirt. Then they got comfortable again and proceeded to kiss and cuddle, while toying with each other’s hair.

And since the past week had been hard and they hadn’t exactly slept a lot the night before, they both dozed off after a while.

Russell surfaced from the light sleep he had been in, to realise Danny’s chest under his cheek was trembling; simultaneously, his breathing was coming in strange, suffocated hitches. He opened his eyes and looked up, but Danny’s eyes were pinched shut and his lips were pressed tightly together. There was a film of moisture around his eyes.

“Hey,” Russell whispered and lifted one hand to touch Danny’s cheek.  
“Sorry.” Danny hastily wiped a hand down his face. “Didn’t mean to wake you up.”  
“What’s wrong?”  
“Nothing.” Danny stared at the ceiling and blinked furiously. “Nothing’s wrong. I... I just... I woke up and for a moment I wasn’t sure if I only dreamed all that... the weekend and everything, but you’re here, so that means I didn’t, and...”

Wordlessly, Russell sat up and shifted his position so he could hold Danny in his arms instead of the other way round. Danny buried his face into Russell’s chest. 

“I got both of you back,” Danny whispered against Russell’s skin. “For good. There’s no fucking reason to... to bawl like a baby...”  
Russell pressed a kiss into Danny’s hair and held him tighter. “You’ve got every reason to get emotional after all that,” he whispered. “It’s okay. Just have a good cry if you need one. I got you.”

And Danny slung his arms around Russell and let himself go. He cried, but it didn’t last long, and when he fell back and stared at the ceiling, Russell picked up his shirt and wiped Danny’s tears away. 

“Feel better?”  
Danny nodded.  
“See. No need to bottle everything in all the time.”  
“Sometimes I just can’t help it.”  
“I know.” Russell ran his hand up and down Danny’s chest. “That’s what you have me for.”

That brought a smile to Danny’s face and he turned his head to look at Russell. Russell smiled back, leaned over him and kissed him. 

“So.” Russell got comfortable on Danny’s chest again. “Which one of us is the love of your life now?”  
Danny craned his neck, but he saw the twinkle in Russell’s eyes. “Uh.” He shook his head. “Both?”  
“Good thing you’re bi, then.” Russell winked. “We can live happily in a nice, pretty poly-relationship.”  
“Dimwit.”  
“Pleasure. My name is Russell.”

Danny reared up and threw Russell off with a fake growl and rolled on top of him, pinning him down with the full weight of his body. Russell coughed, but he wasn’t known for fighting fair and poked Danny in the ribs as hard as he could. Danny squealed like a toddler and jumped off him again. 

Russell quickly took the upper hand and tickled Danny as hard as he could. Danny curled up with sounds halfway between laughter and sobs while he tried to defend himself. 

He didn’t stand a chance. Russell wasn’t ticklish. He had been as a child, but for some reason had outgrown it. Which gave him a very unfair advantage now.

“God, Russell, stop!” Danny gasped desperately. “Mercy!”  
Russell dropped down on him with an evil grin.  
“Mercy?”

Pursing his lips, Russell flattened his hand and carefully circled them on Danny’s hips now while leaning forward. His lips brushed the side of Danny’s neck.

“Mercy...” Danny’s voice petered out into a whisper as Russell’s breath ghosted over his skin. “God, Russ...”

Russell moved his hands up to caress Danny’s chest and flicked Danny’s nipples with hit thumbs as he trailed his kisses lower and lower.

“No quarter given,” Russell whispered as he started to unbutton Danny’s fly.  
“God...” Danny arched his back. “I don’t think I can again already...”  
“Your dick seems to be of a different opinion.”  
Danny let his head fall back with a groan. “You’ll be the death of me, Russell Johnson.”  
“But you will die with a smile on your face,” Russell whispered while slipping his hand into Danny’s boxers.

Danny was past trying to quip back at that point. But he _had_ a smile on his face.

* * *

Danny’s mother invited Russell for dinner that evening, and after exchanging a shy smile with Danny Russell accepted, baited by Danny’s words that his mother’s roast chicken was the only thing in the world that was a match for Anders’s moussaka. 

Which it was, Russell had to admit.

“That was amazing,” he said for the third time. “I have to have that recipe.”  
“Oh, thank you,” Mrs Barnett said with a pleased smile. “I learned that from my mother, though, I do not really have a recipe.”  
“Damnit.”  
“Although,” she began thoughtfully. “I... could maybe show you? It’s Daniel’s favourite.”

Which implied, to Russell’s and Danny’s surprise, that at least Danny’s mother had accepted Russell as her son’s partner now and regarded their relationship as something serious. Russell didn’t count his blessings and agreed with an eager smile. 

“So,” Danny’s mother said after a moment. “I have to admit I’m curious about that studio of yours.”  
“Oh,” Russell replied with a bright smile. “My uncle Axl has a business out in Neilson Street in the industrial estate and his company building has a basement with a separate entrance. It’s cluttered and dirty down there, but I help him clean out the place and then we can use it. It’s dry, and we have electricity down there and even water, so we could install a bathroom down there at one point if we get that figured out.”

He lifted one eyebrow when Danny grinned at him. “What?”  
“You know my dad is a plumber, right?”

Russell’s mouth fell open and he blushed furiously, a deep crimson glow crawling up from his chin into his hairline. 

“Jesus, no!” He swallowed. “I didn’t mean it that way! Honestly... I forgot!”  
“Russ...”  
“I swear I wasn’t trying to beg for freebies!” He nervously brushed his hair back. “I didn’t... I mean... I’m gonna pay for that! Really!”

Roger Barnett didn’t move a muscle in his face, but since Danny was still smiling, Russell swallowed hard and tried to smile as well.

“I can have a look at that,” Danny’s father said.  
“Thanks, Dad.”  
His father just nodded and took a sip of his beer.

Russell was still looking as if he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him and he only slowly calmed down again.

Since Danny had to give Russell a lift home they left again shortly after dinner, and it seemed that Danny’s parents didn’t expect him back again that evening. 

They parked the car but took a walk out to Mission Bay Beach and sat down on the grass, facing the waterline, and just sat there with their arms around each other while looking out at the sea. They didn’t talk, and they didn’t do anything either, joined in comfortable silence not because they didn’t know what to say, but because they didn’t need to say anything. 

It was dark when they walked back, hand in hand, and after retreating into Russell’s room – Danny had stored a few spare clothes and some underwear in Russell’s wardrobe for spontaneous decisions like these – Danny immediately pushed Russell onto the bed to return the favour from earlier. 

Afterwards they snuggled up top each other, and while he toyed with Russell’s curls, Danny asked him about any more specific plans regarding the studio, and they started talking about their chances of being able to perform at the party end of November after all. 

“I was afraid the band was history,” Russell whispered. “I thought Jormungand was dead.”  
“I don’t know.” Danny moved one hand down Russell’s body. “The Midgard Serpent seems to be stirring.”  
“You ass,” Russell gasped. “You are not going to nickname my dick the Midgard Serpent!”  
“But don’t we all serve Jormungand?” Danny asked with a mischievous grin and vanished under the blanket. 

Russell grabbed the pillow and pressed it onto his face. All thoughts of vacuum cleaners, as justified as they were, quickly vanished into a haze, however. 

Russell fell asleep with Danny curled around him and spooning him as tightly as he could. Danny on the other hand willed himself to stay awake for a while longer and he just listened to Russell’s deep and even breathing. 

“I don’t know what you did to me, Russ,” he whispered softly and breathed a kiss onto Russell’s temple. “But I’m sure glad you did it.”

Then he closed his eyes as well and fell asleep with a small smile on his face.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are beginning to take shape and the band is now complete.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More [facial references](http://lakritzwolf.tumblr.com/MtW_Cast)

Both Anders and Seona were over the moon upon hearing the news about Danny’s drum kit during breakfast, and Anders lamented the fact he didn’t have another bottle of champagne at hand, albeit with a wink. Afterwards they had a few more coffees, and then Danny and Russell settled down in the living room to game a bit, passing the time until lunch. 

They had a few sandwiches and left after that with Russell wearing the oldest clothes that he had, and they stopped at Danny’s place so he could change as well. Russell waited in the car and had to blink a few times upon seeing Danny emerge and continued to stare at him while he walked down the stairs from the porch and headed for the car.

“What?” Danny asked as he fell down in the driver’s seat.  
Russell took in the appearance once more, the ratty old blue jeans and dirty green T-shirt with paint stains on it. “I just realised I have never seen you in anything other than black clothes.”  
Danny looked down at himself. “Yeah... that shit here is pretty old. Those jeans haven’t fit me in a while. Must be the gym.”  
“You look weird.”  
“Feels weird too. Deal with it.” Danny grinned and dug his hand into one pocket to produce two pairs of work gloves. “Will you hold these?”

Russell took the gloves and they set off. Understandably, Russell got more and more excited on their way to Neilson Street, and when they had reached the premises of JC and the gate was already open, which meant that Axl was already there, Russell could hardly contain himself anymore. He undid his seatbelt while Danny pulled into the parking lot past a large waste container, and he jumped out before Danny had killed the engine.

“Uncle Axl!” He yelled. “I’m here!”

After a moment Axl poked his head out of the door and waved. Russell and Danny headed for the stairway leading down and while Russell grinned like an idiot, Danny had a look around after stepping through the door.

“That is a lot of space,” he said. “Wow.”  
“I know.” Russell said giddily. “Just imagine what this place will look like!”  
“Takes a bit of imagination,” Danny said as he picked something up on a shelf that might have been part of an engine once. “But it’ll be ace.”

“Hey!” Axl, who had been fiddling around with the mummy of the ancient washing machine, now sauntered over. “I hope you brought some cleaning rags.”  
Danny looked around again. “I think we need a shovel first.”  
“Several,” Axl said and slipped his wallet out. He took a key card out of it and handed that to Russell. “Here.”  
“Thank you!” Russell took it and immediately stowed it away in his own wallet. Then he faltered and took it out again. “Is it okay if I give this to Danny? He’s the only one of us who can’t practice at home, and we won’t get any practising done together without him anyway.”  
“Hm, right.” Axl pursed his lips. “Can’t lug a drum kit around on a bike trailer.”  
“They don’t come in inflatable yet,” Danny said and shrugged with a crooked grin.  
“Don’t worry,” Axl said with a grin. “Just don’t nick too many of the two-by-fours.”  
“Thank you so much, Uncle Axl.”  
Axl’s grin widened. “No worries,” he said. “But I want free tickets for your first concert.”

Russell and Danny exchanged a grin. 

“Right!” Axl rubbed his hands. “Let’s get this road on the show!”

Axl told them that he had had a look around down here and had found little of any value, so instead of wasting hours trying to maybe find a handful of useful items all the junk would just go into the container, including the shelves. 

Russell and Danny put on the gloves and got to work. Together they lugged an ancient piece of machinery up the stairs that neither of them could identify. It weighed a ton, and they hardly managed to lift it high enough to drop it into the container. 

Afterwards they exchanged a grin, did a bro-fist, and hurried down the stairs again. 

Axl was still fiddling with the washing machine that apparently had formed a symbiosis with the pipes and the wall during the last decades. 

“So we just empty the shelves of everything?” Russell double-checked with his uncle.  
“Everything,” Axl said, frowning at his wrench. “If you find something you wanna keep don’t let me stop you.”  
“Also the wood?”  
“It’s been lying here for fuck knows how long which means I don’t need it, but if you just put that down next to the container I can have a look at that in better light. I can always chuck it in later.”

The beams in question weren’t that heavy but long and awkward to carry for one person, and whistling _I’m a Lumberjack_ Russell and Danny carried the beams on their shoulders after painstakingly manoeuvring them out of the door. They were on their way back down again after the last one when another car pulled onto the premises with a few cheerful honks. 

Moments later, Emma came running down the stairs, wearing old clothes as well, together with an old baseball cap she had on back to front. 

“Hey guys!”  
“Emma!” Russell ran to meet her and swept her up in an embrace. “Sweetie, what are you doing here?”  
She poked his nose after he had set her down. “Think I’d let you have all the fun alone? I love chucking out junk! It’s therapeutic!”

Danny gave her a firm hug as well and Emma skipped through the door with a grin. 

“Holy shit, that’s a lot of junk!”  
“You won’t need therapy for a while,” Danny said.  
“Fuck yes. Let’s do this!” Emma cracked her knuckles. “Oh, and by the way, I also called...”

Another engine could be heard outside. It wasn’t a car however; it was the low rumble of a motorbike, and not a speedy racing machine. It was followed by another car.

The three headed towards the stairs again to see a vintage Harley pull in next to Emma’s car. The rider was wearing black leathers and a black helmet. 

“Stop drooling,” Russell said.  
Danny stuck out his tongue. “One day, I tell you.”  
“One day what?” Emma asked.  
“One day I will have one of those, too.”  
“Oh. Can I have a ride?”  
“Anytime, sweetie.”

“Who is that anyway?” Russell asked while they watched the other car, a small green Ford, come to halt next to the bike. The driver who got out now was a rather chubby guy with short, blond curls and black-rimmed glasses.  
Emma shrugged. “I have no idea. I asked Craig if he wanted to come.”

All eyes came to rest on the biker again who now removed the helmet. A mane of ginger hair spilled out and Craig waved at them as he set the helmet down. 

“Craig, you asshole!” Danny hurried up the stairs and jogged over to look at the bike. “What the actual fuck?”  
“Yeah, you’re not the only one who has a baby,” Craig said with a grin. “And that’s mine.”  
“You never mentioned you had a bike!”  
Still grinning, Craig shrugged and unzipped the heavy jacket. “I guess the topic didn’t come up.”

Danny eyed the bike with unmasked greed. “You think you can give me a ride on that at one point?”  
“Sure.” Craig shrugged the jacket off. “As long as you got the stuff.”  
“Stuff?”  
“Equipment.” Craig nudged the helmet with the tip of his boot. “No helmet, no leathers, no ride.”  
Danny sighed. “Eventually.”

Craig slapped his back with a smile. “I know that sounds harsh, but I knew a guy who took his girl for a ride on his bike and she was only wearing a helmet, and when he crashed the bike she was so badly injured she lost an arm because of it. And she wouldn’t have had a scratch if she had worn leathers. Yeah, so... from that day I stopped giving people rides.”  
“Right.” Danny grinned again and slapped Craig’s back in return. “I totally get that.”  
“I guess you of all people don’t need any imagination for that.”  
“Fuck no.”  
Craig nudged him with his elbow and then waved at Russ and Emma who were on their way over. “Hey guys!”

Emma gave him a fierce hug and Russell shook his hand with a quick embrace and a back slap. Then Craig indicated towards the guy in the green Ford who was leaning against his car with a grin.

“Everyone, that’s Matt. We’ve been mates since high school but lost touch when he moved to Christchurch. Now he finally has a job here again, and he’s staying at my place until he finds his own.”

Matt came over and waved. “Hey! I’m the one they call Fat Matt.”  
Russell frowned and crossed his arms. “Why?”  
Matt patted his prominent stomach. “It’s not rocket science, right? People have been calling me that for ages.”  
“Yeah, people are assholes,” Russell replied and held out his hand. “Hi, I’m Russ.”

Matt seemed a little puzzled during the further introductions but was quickly grinning again. He had a charming smile, and Emma immediately adopted him and slipped her arm through his. 

“So,” she said. “Did Craig bring you along as an extra pair of hands?”  
“More or less.” Matt smiled down on her. “I’m just following him around because I missed him so much.”  
Craig laughed and flung his arms around Matt’s neck. “Baby!”  
“Darling!” Matt gave back and let go of Emma’s arm to squeeze all breath out of Craig. 

“Right,” Craig said, brushing back his hair after the laughter had ebbed off. “Russ, can I change here somewhere?”  
“I ask my uncle. I’m sure he can just unlock upstairs.”

Axl had already done that, however, as they would need a bathroom at one point. So Craig picked up his backpack and when he came downstairs somewhat later he was wearing dirty, oil-stained overalls. He had thrown his hair up in a man-bun and was just tying a bandana around his head to cover it. 

When he reached the bottom of the stair he faltered for a moment, narrowed his eyes, and then very cautiously ducked through the doorframe. 

“I was just telling them how we met,” Matt said to him as he entered.  
“That fateful day in the cafeteria?” Craig asked while distrustfully eyeing the corners.  
“Yeah, and as I said, here I was, totally crushed, and then this gorgeous guy comes up and sits down and asks me what’s wrong.”  
“I knew what was wrong, but... you know.” Craig added. “I’ve seen those assholes give him shit, but I didn’t really have the guts to stand up to them.”  
Matt shrugged. “I wouldn’t have said anything either, it was four of them, after all. But anyway, he sits down and asks me what’s wrong, and I thought he’s just another dick.”

They exchanged a small smile.

“The thing is,” Craig said and pulled a pair of work gloves out of his back pocket. “I knew as well about his crush and that the bitch just had told all her friends about the letter, and everyone and their fucking mother was taking the piss as well as picking on him. So yeah, I felt sorry for him, and you know what? I’d been ditched by the third girlfriend for that year and it was only May. So I started the conversation with telling him that there’s nothing wrong with him as I was being ditched constantly as well.”  
“We bonded...” Matt said pointedly and slowly “...over bitches.”

“Yeah,” Craig continued after the chuckles had died down. “We had more or less the same problem, but from a different angle. Shallow bitches. Girls didn’t want Matt because he was... ugly.” Craig painted quotation marks in the air with his fingers as he said the last word. “Girls didn’t want me because I was to pretty. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there were always girls crushing on me at school, and I don’t say that to give myself airs, because it was fucking annoying. Because every time one of them hooked up with me I was paraded in front of tons of other bitches for a time and then...” He lifted his voice into a falsetto. “Oh, Craig, honeybaby, you know, it’s just not it, you know? Sorry, baby!”

Matt nudged him in the ribs, and Craig smiled at him. 

“So we bonded,” Matt said. “Over shallow bitches. And you know, maybe I was the ugly pug of the lot, but being a TB isn’t fun, either.”  
“TB?” Russell crossed his arms with a confused frown.  
Craig shrugged as he put on his gloves.  
“Trophy boyfriend,” Matt said. “Like a trophy wife, just as a boyfriend. At least with the two girlfriends I had I knew they were with me because they liked me and not because they wanted to show off in front of their friends.”

There was a moment of thoughtful silence.

“Man,” Russell finally said. “Bitches.”  
“Hey!” Emma elbowed him in the ribs.  
“Sweetie...” Russell smiled at her and rested a hand on her cheek. “You are not a bitch.”  
“I’ll let that slide this once.”

“So yeah, just be glad,” Craig said to Russell.  
“Oh I’m sure there’s lots of guys who are just as shallow,” Russell replied and fluttered his eyelashes at Danny. “I’ve just been exceptionally lucky.”  
“Isn’t he sweet.” Danny grinned at him and Russell grinned back.

“So we called ourselves Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde,” Matt said and both he and Craig chuckled. “Being as we’re at the opposite ends of the aesthetic spectrum, and we’ve been bffs ever since.”  
“I really don’t get it,” Russell said. “Matt, really... you’re not ugly! There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re a handsome bloke!”  
“Who made you an expert?” Matt said with a grin and winked.  
“Expert opinions always differ,” Russell gave back. “Besides, I’m gay, so I know what I’m talking about.”

“I told you he would say that,” Craig said.  
Matt nodded. “You told me he would say that.”  
“Say what?” Russell crossed his arms.  
“That Matt’s a handsome bloke and that there’s nothing wrong with him.”  
“Well he fucking is!”  
Craig turned to Matt. “See?”  
Matt nodded, his smile turning slightly wistful. “Yeah, I see. Kind of makes me wish I had friends like that when I was fourteen.”

“Well, you have them now,” Emma said firmly. “Craig’s friends are our friends.”  
“So, am I adopted into the clan?”  
“Definitely.” Emma flicked her hand at him, and he bent down. She flicked her hand again, and he bent down a little further. Emma kissed his cheek and ruffled his hair. 

“You better get used to that,” Danny said to Matt. “Emma is a cuddle monster.”  
“I won’t complain,” Matt said with a grin as he straightened up. “I don’t get to cuddle with pretty girls too often.”  
Emma poked Matt in the ribs. “Just don’t get any hopes up, big guy. I’m ace and aro, so don’t waste your time with that.”  
“Right, good to know.” Matt winked at her. “So you’re ace and Russ and Danny are gay...”  
“Actually, I’m bi, but...”  
“Oh, sorry.”  
“No worries.”

“Group Hug!” Emma yelled. 

Everyone threw themselves at Matt who was taken by surprise and almost lost his balance. He was laughing as hard as everyone else, though. He adjusted his glasses after being released again, still grinning broadly. 

“Right,” Craig said and rubbed his hands together. “Should we finally get some work done?”  
“We’d better.” Russell put on his gloves again. “That’s a ton and a half of junk down here.”

For a while, they just worked in comfortable companionship until Matt started whistling _Always look on the bright side of life_. That brightened the mood even more. 

“Sing something else!” Axl yelled at them after a while, still struggling with the washing machine. No amount of WD40 had any effect on the rusted pipes. “I swear I’m going to use dynamite on you, you fucker!” The last was addressed to said washing machine. “I’m going to get a sledgehammer; I swear I will end you, for fucking fuck’s sake!”

Towards the back wall, the shelves were even more cluttered, dustier, and there were also more cobwebs. Craig was now standing on one side of a shelf, gingerly picking up a few bits of rusty old chain, while Russell and Danny were standing on the other side, trying to lift a large metal pipe from the top shelf.

The sudden shrill and high-pitched scream of pure horror made everyone jump, and all heads flew around to Craig who was jumping up and down and beating his front with his hands and clawing at his face while screaming: “It fell into my face! It fucking fell into my face!” He stopped jumping and threw off his gloves to repeatedly drag his hands down his face in hasty, panicked moves. It looked absolutely hilarious. That is, until the others got a look at his face. 

“Shit! Craig!” Russell exchanged a worried look with Danny and Emma. “What the fuck?”  
“It fell into my face!” Said face was white as a sheet, and Craig’s eyes were wide in terror. He was shaking. “Shit, it... is it still here?” He shuddered violently and brushed his hands down his face, arms and shoulders with panic-fuelled, jerky movements.

Matt had dropped everything when he had heard Craig scream and now had reached his side. He quickly dusted Craig’s overalls off with firm slaps. “No, mate, it’s gone. Come on, outside with you, take a breath.” He took a firm hold of Craig’s elbow and steered him outside and up the stairs.

“Craig is afraid of spiders?” Emma asked hesitantly after a moment.  
Danny scratched his chin. “Looks more like he’s absolutely terrified of spiders.”

Emma looked up into a corner, and everyone else followed her gaze. The spider that was sitting there had an abdomen about the size of a cherry pit, with matching legs, of course. At that point Matt came back while Craig was still upstairs to calm down.

“Why the fuck didn’t he say something?” Russell asked as he stepped around the shelf.  
“He doesn’t like to talk about it,” Matt replied. “I mean, he’s already the pretty prince, or that’s what he says, and to be afraid of spiders only makes it worse.”  
“He should know we’re better friends than that!” Emma sounded slightly hurt.  
“Old habits, and so on.” Matt shrugged. “I knew him for four years before I found that one out, and not because he told me.”

“Right.” Russell rolled his shoulders. “We’d better roll up our sleeves and get to work to have it over with.”

Craig came back a moment later, still somewhat pale, and after some discussion they changed the workflow into Danny, Russell and Emma carrying stuff outside and dropping it off at the top of the stairs for Craig and Matt to lug into the container. 

At that point, Axl had given up on the washing machine and was staring sourly at his feet while leaning against the wall next to the door into his office. He had decided that cutting old pipes with the angle grinder, without any idea about what state they might be in, was a bad idea. After a moment however he pushed himself off the wall and picked up a pair of gloves to give the others a hand. 

They managed to empty all the shelves that afternoon and called it a day shortly before dinnertime, but the band agreed on meeting up later, after everyone had had a shower and changed, to have dinner together at Craig’s place. Russell and Danny agreed to do bring the drinks, Craig and Matt would buy the food and Emma the treats. No one mentioned the spider incident again, to Craig’s visible relief.

Once they had gathered in Craig’s shared house they unpacked and discussed how they were going to do this. They were alone since Craig’s two housemates usually spent their weekends elsewhere.

“Russell is not cooking,” Emma said firmly. “He knows everything better and...”  
“Hey!” Russell looked hurt.  
“And he can do everything better than anyone else,” Emma continued. “But the trouble is that he really does know everything better and actually can do anything better, but he takes everything far too serious and cookouts with him are no fun.” She crossed her arms and stuck out her tongue at him. 

“So.” Craig grinned at Russell. “Why don’t you just make some music?”  
Russell shrugged. “I didn’t bring my guitar.”  
“You can have mine,” Matt said with a broad smile. “If you want.”

Russell’s eyes went as wide and shiny like a child’s on Christmas. “You play guitar?”  
“That, too.”  
“Great! So... hang on.” Russell narrowed his eyes and looked back and forth between Craig and Matt. “Too?”  
Matt’s smile turned into a grin. “Craig told me about the band, of course. And it all sounds pretty cool. And you know... a guy has to have a hobby.”  
“So what else do you play?” Russell asked eagerly.

Matt grinned and headed upstairs into the small attic that was furbished and was usually used as lounge or living room and for guests to crash there. 

When he came back he carried his guitar and an instrument that looked like a bit like a guitar but was tiny, spiky and metallic green.

“What the actual fuck?” Danny held out his hand and Matt handed him the instrument. “What is that thing?”  
“That...” Matt said smugly “...is an electric violin.”

Russell almost combusted and started bombarding Matt with questions until Craig and Emma stopped him on account of having to start making dinner. Since Russell was effectively banned from the kitchen he retreated into the part of the common area where there was an array of old charity shop bought, mismatched sofas and comfy chairs, and borrowed Matt’s guitar and started playing. At one point Danny joined him there with two beers. The music stopped shortly afterwards.

“Oy!” Craig yelled. “You’re supposed to make music and not make out with your boyfriend!”  
“Use canned music!” Danny yelled back. “We still got some catching up to do!”  
“I don’t want jizz stains on any of that furniture!”  
“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna waste anything!”  
“DANNY!” Russell sounded rather mortified.

After the laughter had calmed down Craig put his phone into the docking station with the speaker and played Deathwish.

“We don’t really need to listen to every detail!” He yelled and cranked up the volume.

From behind the backrest of a sofa an arm emerged – Danny’s, to be precise – and slowly and pointedly gave Craig the finger. 

After dinner they got comfortable in the various sofas and since Matt also had a regular violin, and after Craig had fetched his beautiful acoustic bass, they started jamming. Everyone sang along, apart from Danny who insisted he couldn’t sing, and only ended the session before midnight because it was Sunday and everyone would have to get up early the next day. 

“Seems like Jormungand is taking shape, hm?” Danny asked as he and Russell were saying goodbye on Russell’s doorstep.  
“Oh yeah,” Russell replied with a dreamy expression on his face. “And a violin will definitely give us something unique.”

Danny smiled softly and ran a hand through Russell’s hair, sifting his fingers through the curls. They exchanged a few more kisses before Danny left, and Russell closed the door behind him and headed upstairs to his room with a grin that grew wider and wider.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jormundgand takes shape. Then a misunderstanding almost leads to disaster.

The band had met the following days after work to finish clearing out the basement in the hopes of setting up the drum kit before the next weekend. Axl had generously worked a few hours overtime to cut the metal shelves into manageable pieces since the screws were so rusted they couldn’t be dismantled any more, and once those had been chucked into the waste container, the place began to look like home. 

Craig had been very reluctant regarding the cleaning Thursday afternoon – which consisted of dusting and sweeping up layers of cobwebs with living spiders and several generations of their deceased ancestors as well as dirt and dust – but he had tried to play it down. Until Emma had told him in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t going in there until they had cleaned the place, which had pissed him off because he didn’t want to admit how relieved he was. 

In the end, Danny asked him if he could have a look at his car.

“It’s making funny noises again,” he said.  
“Probably the carburettor,” Craig said and pulled up the zipper of his overalls. “I have a look at that.”

He was obviously more than happy to be useful elsewhere, away from spiders and cobwebs, instead of standing around with his thumbs up his ass, and he immediately vanished under the engine bonnet of Danny’s car.

The others set to work, accompanied by music coming from Emma’s phone, and spent a few hours dusting and brushing and sweeping and cleaning the windows while Matt checked electrical outlets and replaced the ceiling light. He worked in a computer and hardware shop and his job was mostly building computers and maintenance of those and laptops, but he also knew basic electricity work which was all they needed down there.

It was past nine when they finally wrapped everything up. During that time Craig had left on his bike and come back again with a tool box and a battery powered lamp. And by the time the others had finished cleaning the place, Craig had been to the scrap yard, had found the right part and replaced Danny’s carburettor. 

“Wow.” Danny slapped Craig’s back after the latter had announced success on his front as well. “Thanks a million times.”  
“No worries.” Craig wiped off his hands on a rag. “Glad I could be useful somewhere.”  
“Hey.” Danny nudged him in the ribs. “We’re a team, right? We’re all doing our best here.”  
Craig’s smile was back. “Right.”  
Danny held up his hand for a high-five, but Craig shook his head with a crooked grin and showed Danny his still oil-stained palm. “Trust me, you don’t wanna do this right now.”

They both laughed and headed down the stairs.

“Wow.” Craig looked around with wide eyes. “You guys have been busy.”  
“So have you.” Emma skipped over and poked Craig’s belly. “And I’m not letting you feel bad about this.”  
Craig cocked one eyebrow.  
“I’m not letting people with arachnophobia go into a dirty basement that hasn’t been cleaned for decades. End of discussion.”

Craig had a look around, and then Matt slapped his back. “This lot really doesn’t take the piss, does it?”  
“They can take the piss like no one else,” Craig replied with a small grin.  
“Just not where it hurts,” Emma said firmly. “That’s not what friends do!”  
Matt crossed his arms with a laugh. “Jesus, did I end up in an episode of _My little Pony_?”  
“They don’t call me Rainbow Dash for nothing!” Emma shot back.

“Friends will be friends,” Danny said, and got the whole lot started. Singing _Friends will be friends_ at the top of their lungs they left and Russell locked the basement behind them.

* * *

The very next day was the big day and the first step for Jormungand on the way to the Auckland Festival. The band met at Danny’s place, accompanied by Axl in his company van, and within half an hour, the drum kit was safely stored away in said van and was ready to move to her new domicile.

“I guess you’ll be doing a happy dance now?” Danny asked with father with a grin.  
“I sure won’t shed any tears,” his father gave back with a twitch of his lips that could be called a smile.

Danny was as surprised as anyone else, however, when his father followed them out of the door with his car keys. 

“Dad?”  
“I said I have a look at that plumbing. Might as well do it now.”  
“Thank you, Dad.”  
Roger Barnett nodded and patted his son’s shoulder. 

And so, while the band carried the components of the drum kit down into the basement, Danny’s father and Axl headed towards the back wall to have a look at the pipes and the washing machine. 

“That thing belongs into a museum,” Roger Barnett said drily as he went into a crouch next to it.  
“I’d rather blow it up,” Axl replied darkly. “I’ve spent hours trying to disconnect those fucking pipes. Didn’t want to just cut them though.”  
“With the water mains turned off there’s not much that can happen.” 

He looked up at Axl. Axl looked back, a slightly sheepish grin on his face mixed with a bit of relief. Roger Barnett didn’t move a muscle in his face and yet managed to convey a facepalm.

Closing his hand around one of the valves Danny’s father narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips. Then he knocked on the pipes and looked back and forth between the washing machine and the drain in the floor. 

“Turn off the water, will you? I’ll be back in a bit.”

Axl went upstairs to do so and Roger Barnett left to get his tools. 

Having put the kit in place Danny pulled the drumsticks out of his back pocket, sat down and adjusted the snare drum and the hi-hat. He did a drum roll, and everyone, himself included, winced.

“These are some really shitty acoustics down here,” Danny said.  
“You can’t have it all,” Russell said with a sigh. “Maybe we start collecting egg cartons and glue them under the ceiling?”  
“Might work,” Matt said. “A carpet would help, too.”

“Russ?” Danny put his sticks down on the stool after getting up. “Maybe you could use that money to buy some sound deadening ceiling panels?”  
Russell bit his lips with a thoughtful frown. “I’m definitely going to check how much those are. And maybe we can scrape together some carpet bits here and there.” Then his frown turned into a grin. “We will make this work.”

Danny’s father came back downstairs equipped with two toolboxes and headed purposefully towards the washing machine. He did some fiddling with the pipes and then waved Axl over again, and with two plumber’s wrenches and combined effort the two men finally managed to get the valves to move and disconnected the rusted pipes. The water that was still in the pipes spilled out, but the floor was slightly slanted and it vanished in the drain. 

Seeing as they could do nothing the band headed upstairs again while Axl and Danny’s father discussed how large the slice of the room needed to be for a toilet. 

Russell rubbed his hands. “Can we meet tonight?” He looked around at the others.  
“I can,” Emma said immediately.  
“Sure.” Danny nodded.  
“I can too,” Matt said.  
“Why not?” Craig grinned and shrugged on his jacket. “See you guys in what? Two hours?”  
“I bring pizza,” Russell said firmly.

After establishing what kinds of pizza they wanted they parted ways for now, and at seven, they all met again, this time equipped with their instruments. Matt had taken Craig and his equipment along in his car. 

They started with the pizza and then set up the microphones and amplifiers, and a few sound checks later they were set to go. It was the first time they had the violin along and Russell was more than eager to hear what Matt had so far only talked about.

And while the acoustics down there in the basement were really shitty, it was the first time all five of them could practice together with their full equipment. It wasn’t perfect, not by a long shot. But it wasn’t bad either, and the concert end of November was no longer impossible but only a lot of hard work away. 

Danny spent the night at Russell’s that Friday, but they didn’t go to sleep before midnight. First, they talked over a beer about the band and the concert, proceeded to snogging and worked each other up so fast that they ended up making out on the floor. Eventually though they did manage to relocate into the bed, and after some cuddling snuggled up to each other and fell asleep.

* * *

Russell woke up when Danny slipped back under the blanket, and hazily blinked into the sunlight that was filtering through the curtains before snuggling up against Danny’s chest with a sleepy hum. Danny nuzzled his hair for a moment and then gently pushed him onto his back. After a soft kiss he leaned over Russell and traced his lips across his chin and cheeks towards his ear, making Russell shudder. 

Trailing kisses down the side of Russell’s neck Danny moved lower, gently nipped the skin in the hollow of his throat, kissed the same spot with a flick of his tongue and sat up again. His hands roamed Russell’s chest and a strange, slightly incredulous smile appeared on his face. He shook his head. 

Lifting his head, Russell hummed questioningly.

Danny shrugged, the strange smile still on his lips. “I just... I just realised that... it feels weird, you know, but I just thought that I’ll never get boobs again and I will never fuck a pussy again either.”

Russell tensed.

It took Danny a second to pick up on that. “Russ?”  
Russell suddenly avoided his eyes.  
“Russ, what...” Danny inhaled sharply. “Oh no. No... no no no no. Russell... shit.” He ran both hands through his hair. “Russell, stop. Don’t even think that!”  
“Think what?” Russell asked in a voice that was a bit shaky.  
“You’re thinking that I want boobs and pussy back, right?”  
“I...”  
“Oh crap. Russell, seriously.” Danny dragged both hands down his face. “Barnett, you stupid fuck-up... Russell, no. Just... no. That wasn’t what I meant at all!” He brushed his hair back again with one hand while resting the other on Russell’s chest. “Russ, this wasn’t about boobs, this was about you!”

“I know.” Russell bit his lips again. “Listen, Danny I... I know that being in a same-sex relationship doesn’t make you gay, right? You’re still bi and you’re still...”  
“Still technically into women as well,” Danny interrupted him. “Technically. Theoretically. I don’t care, you know? I don’t give a shit, because I’m into you.”  
“I...” After biting his lip again Russell cleared his throat. “But if you... I mean if you want, then I’d be... it would be okay if you...”  
“What?” Danny said tonelessly. “Fuck someone else?”

Russell looked away and shrugged.

Danny shuddered and shook his head. “You don’t mean that, do you?”  
His eyes flicking back and forth and looking everywhere but Danny’s face, Russell shrugged again.  
“You don’t mean that? You can’t seriously...” Danny took a few deep, hasty breaths. “You’re not seriously... actively encouraging me to cheat on you?”  
“Well it wouldn’t be cheating if I know about it and am okay with it?”  
“Okay with it?” Danny asked with more than a trace of despair in his voice. “Russell don’t give me that, you would never in a million years be in any way okay with it! And neither would I!”

Danny left the bed with a strained grunt and strode towards the window. He weakly kicked the wall, his whole body drooping in resignation.

“Oh fuck.” He fell with his back against the wall and let himself slide down. Then he pulled up his knees, rested his forearms on them and buried his face in his hands. “Fuck.”

Russell slowly sat up and ran both hands through his hair to comb it back. Very slowly and hesitantly he got up and walked towards Danny where he knelt down. 

“Danny...”  
“Fuck, Russell.” Danny lifted his head. His cheeks were wet. “I honestly don’t know what’s worse right now... that I just hurt you and triggered your... your self-esteem issues with blathering without thinking or that... that you think... do you really think I’m that kind of guy? That I’m that shallow and greedy and... fuck!” He dropped his head again.  
“Danny,” Russell said again, his voice trembling.

Danny looked up and shook his head. “Fuck... Russell, that hurt. And I know you didn’t... I know you didn’t mean that. And you know what... I prob... I deserve that. I promised, right? I promised I want to make you feel safe, and here at the first fucking opportunity I talk without using my brain and make you feel as if you’re worth nothing and... Fuck, it’s not true! If you weren’t enough for me I’d never have asked you to marry me and... I... it’s... it’s you and me _Because_ , not you and me _Despite_!” He wiped the back of his hand across his eyes. “I’m sorry, Russ. I meant it... it was to... I wanted to... I was just stating the fact that... it’s just fact, you know? I’m with you. Period. No more boobs. That was what I wanted to say. What I meant. Not that I miss anything because I fucking don’t!”

Russell closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them again, they were filled with tears. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.  
“No, Russ.” Danny swallowed hard and shook his head again. “I am sorry. I should’ve bloody known that this would happen when I say something like that. I should have known you’d react that way. I know how... I know you’re... I know you’ve got your fucking issues, and I still just blurted out this shit and I hurt you and I... fuck, Russell...” He kept shaking his head. “You told me that I could do so much better... but this... this time I’m the one thinking that... that you could do so much better than this... because you do.”

Now Russell was shaking his head as well and a single tear trickled down his cheek. “Are you dumping me?”  
“No!” Danny hastily sat up and wiped a hand across his face. “Fuck, no, I’m not! I just...” He faltered and groped for words. “I... I didn’t give you that ring for shits and giggles, Russ. But... back at that party you basically told me you think you’re not good enough for me and... fuck... now I’m thinking I’m not good enough for you.”

For a moment they looked at each other in miserable silence. Then Russell shook his head and cautiously took one of Danny’s hands.

“Why are we doing this?” He asked softly. “You said something that was meant as an endearment and I got it wrong and then suddenly we’re sitting here talking about break-ups and... why are we acting like this?”  
Danny shrugged helplessly. “Fuck if I know.”  
Russell lifted Danny’s hand and kissed it. “I don’t know how we got here,” he whispered. “But I don’t wanna be here anymore. Come back to bed.”

Danny laboured onto his feet and they fell into the bed and into each other’s arms. Russell dug his fingers into Danny’s hair and pulled him into a kiss and they entwined their legs and pressed their bodies together as they kissed, hungrily, messily and interspersed with soft and urgent moans. 

At one point, Russell pushed Danny onto his back and rolled on top of him. Burying his hands in Danny’s hair he began to cover Danny’s face with kisses. He started on the forehead and proceeded to eyebrows, eyelids and cheeks, the tip of his nose, his lips, chin and jaw.

“What are you doing?” Danny chuckled.  
“Kissing you.”

Russell moved his soft, tiny kisses towards Danny’s left ear, then the right one, trailed kisses down the side of his neck and up again while brushing his lips through the short beard on Danny’s chin. Having reached the right shoulder again he started to trail kisses down the arm.

“Russ?”  
“Kissing you.”  
“I can see that. But...”

Having reached Danny’s wrist, Russell looked up again. “I am just making sure,” he said pointedly.  
“Making what sure?”  
“That there isn’t an inch of your skin I haven’t kissed yet.”  
Danny dropped back his head with a soft laugh. “You fucking serious?”  
“Oh yes.”

Russell kissed the palm of Danny’s hand and every single finger, turned the hand around to place a few kisses on the back of the hand and the knuckles before lifting the arm and placing a row of kisses up the arm towards the shoulder again. As he got past the elbow, Danny started to squirm.

“Like... every inch?”  
“Absolutely.”  
“Russ...” Danny couldn’t suppress a slightly undignified little squeak when Russell placed a kiss onto the underside of his upper arm. “Seriously, I... Jesus!”  
“Hold still!”  
“Easy for you to say!”

They both started to laugh, but Russell didn’t stop trailing kisses up Danny’s arm. A kiss breathed into Danny’s armpit had Danny emit a drawn out whine through gritted teeth and they had to laugh again.

Smiling and with a twinkle in his eyes Russell repeated the whole thing with the other arm. Danny dug his heels into the mattress and breathed harsh and heavy through his nose, but he still couldn’t help squeaking. He could calm down however when Russell moved his lips across his chest. 

Danny breathed out a soft sigh when Russell kissed his left nipple, then his right, but seconds later flinched with a little yelp when Russell rounded his chest and moved down his flank.

“Russell... s...s...stop!”  
“Every inch.”  
“No!”  
“Yes.”

Another line of kisses across the chest, a bit lower this time. Further across, and down on the other side, brushing the ribs, one by one. Danny was writhing and whining but Russell didn’t stop, and Danny tried to bravely bear it. They both giggled like idiots.

Danny got a bit of a respite when Russell started to cover his abdomen in kisses, then his hips, and his breathing picked up speed when Russell moved lower below the navel. 

“Russ...” He whispered and rested his hand on Russell’s head, threading his fingers into the golden curls. 

Russell looked up at him with a smile and kissed the base of Danny’s cock that had become very interested in the turn of events. Danny dropped his head with a soft moan as Russell started to trail kisses up and down his cock, up again, and then he placed one onto the tip that made Danny flinch. Russell proceeded to trail kisses downwards, onto Danny’s stones, and then lifted them to put a kiss on the warm skin underneath. 

Danny’s soft moan turned seamlessly into a giggle when Russell placed kisses down the inside of his thighs, but when Russell got past the knees, he propped himself up onto his elbows, looking at Russell past his cock that all of a sudden didn’t seem to be sure anymore about what to think of all that. 

“Maybe you should reconsider the _every inch_ bit?”  
Russell looked up and placed a kiss onto Danny’s left ankle.  
“I mean, you know how bad I am, right?”  
Tilting his head with a tiny smile, Russell placed a kiss onto the top of Danny’s left foot.  
“F... fuck...” Danny dug his heel into the mattress. “Don’t do that, Russ, I like you better with all your teeth in place...”

Russell grinned and sat up, but just as Danny dropped back in relief Russell swung himself around, sat on Danny’s calves and did it anyway, ignoring Danny’s curses and yelps as he kissed the tip of every toe.

“Every inch,” Russell said after releasing Danny’s legs.  
“Fuck you...” Danny rasped breathlessly.  
“Is that an offer?” Russell asked with a mischievous grin.  
Danny stared at him with parted lips, still slightly breathless.  
“Turn around.”  
“What now?”  
“I said, every inch.” Russell closed both hands around Danny’s hips and tugged. “Turn around.”  
“You’re killing me,” Danny grumbled, but he did turn around.

Russell moved up and brushed Danny’s hair up to place a kiss onto the back of his neck, then he thoroughly and slowly covered Danny’s shoulders and back with kisses. Not being ticklish there, Danny hummed softly in appreciation. His breathing sped up when Russell reached his hips, and he squirmed a little as Russell dropped kiss after kiss onto his ass cheeks. 

“Russell...”  
Russell didn’t stop and trailed more kisses down Danny’s legs and into the hollows of his knees.  
“Russell, stop...”  
“Every inch.”  
“Not my feet.”  
“Every inch.”  
“Not. My. Feet.”  
“Danny...” Russell sat up and lowered his face into Danny’s view, giving him the sweetest puppy eyes possible. “Please?”

Danny stared at him for a moment, licked his lips and took a deep breath. “I can’t possibly.”  
“Just a few kisses.”  
“It’s about the same as just a few minutes of waterboarding.”  
Russell bit his lower lip.  
Danny dropped his head into the pillow with a groan. “One,” he muttered, his voice muffled by the pillow. “One each.”

After taking the necessary precautions, that is, sitting on Danny’s leg, closing his hands around Danny’s ankle and holding the foot down with his full weight, Russell placed a single kiss onto the sole of Danny’s foot. Danny screeched and bit into the pillow. 

“Almost done,” Russell whispered and moved onward to the other leg.  
“You’re killing me!” Danny’s voice was still muffled by the pillow.  
“Just kissing you.”  
“Same thing!” Danny gasped and reared up. “Can we please go back to kissing like normal people?”  
“We’re not normal people,” Russell said and turned around again. “Never were, never will be.” With that, he closed both hands around Danny’s ass again. “And no, we’re not done. Not quite.”

Danny dropped his head again, but this time with a throaty moan as Russell spread his ass cheeks.

“Every inch,” he whispered. 

Though Russell obviously felt that this particular spot needed a more thorough kissing. Danny didn’t complain, and couldn’t form any coherent words anymore anyway. Or even thoughts. He was hardly able to breathe. Not that he actually would have complained if he had been able to. Russell pushed Danny’s knees forward, lifting his ass and hips to have better access

Russell proceeded to kiss and lick and hummed against Danny’s skin, relishing every moan and shudder he got in response. When he leaned back he could see that every single hair on Danny’s body stood on edge. His own cock was throbbing and there was a small wet spot on the mattress under Danny’s.

Danny’s head flew up and he gulped down several huge lungful of air, but let his head drop again when the next sensation he felt was the cool slickness of a finger coated in lube.

Russell and Danny had an established safe word, even if they rarely used it. So far Russell had used it once and Danny twice, but they both relied on the other not only to heed it but also to use it. So Russell proceeded slowly, but Danny didn’t show any inclination to use the safe word this time. 

Worked up as he was Russell never wasted a thought on the fact that he had only done this once before, and he was so lost in a haze of want and need and desire and hunger and love that he forgot to be scared. He rolled the condom on, paused and rested one hand on the small of Danny’s back.

“You okay?”  
Danny peeled his face out of the pillow and turned his head as far as he could. “Yes,” he gasped. “God, yes...”

Russell closed his eyes and slowly pushed inside Danny’s body. His breath caught in his throat and he couldn’t make a sound, just like last time, and Danny dug both fists and his face into the pillow. 

Steadying himself with one hand on Danny’s hip Russell leaned forward after a few shallow thrusts and moved with more vigour, his moans mingling with Danny’s, and he smiled at the suffocated throaty moan when his hand closed around Danny’s cock. 

He didn’t have to do this for long because Danny suddenly tensed, then reared up, and he came on another moan, high and drawn out this time. Russell let go of his cock, took a good grip on Danny’s hips while he fucked him though the aftershocks, but didn’t need more than a handful of thrusts before he came as well. 

Danny collapsed into a boneless heap under him after Russell had pulled out, and after getting rid of the condom Russell fell down beside him and looked at his face. Danny was lying flat on his stomach, his face turned to one side, and Russell traced one finger across Danny’s cheek.

Danny cracked one eye open.

“You okay?”  
One corner of Danny’s mouth twitched and he raised his brows without opening his eyes any more. “I feel thoroughly debauched.”

Their eyes met. Danny’s lopsided smile turned into a grin, and both of them first chuckled, then giggled. Danny turned around with a laugh and grabbed Russell with both arms, pulling him close with a fake growl. Russell tried to wriggle free from his hold and used his forefingers to unfair advantage. Danny increased the strength of his hold. Trying to wrestle the other down they rolled back and forth on the mattress, laughing so hard they were almost in tears until they finally fell out of the bed. 

That cracked them up even more, and they finally had to stop trying to gain the upper hand. Eventually they managed to get back into the bed, but they both couldn’t stop giggling for a long time.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More hurdles to overcome, and a celebration to cheer everyone up.

Shortly after lunch that Saturday, the band was gathered again in their new studio. To everyone else’s surprise, Matt and Craig were carrying two washing baskets full of fabric in various colours.

“We’ve been through several charity shops,” Matt explained. “And bought all the bed sheets we could find.”  
“And...” Russell exchanged a puzzled look with Danny, then Emma.  
“And.” Matt grinned and produced two rolls of duct tape and a staple gun. “We’re going to improvise noise dampening.”

The others exchanged a few baffled glances, but within half an hour they had, with combined efforts and the utilisation of two wobbly folding chairs, somehow fastened the bed sheets to the ceiling and the walls, leaving only the windows. It wasn’t perfect, but it was much better than before. 

“Matt has always been good at improvisation.” Craig dropped the almost empty roll of duct tape into the washing basket and grinned at his friend.  
“I am the master of makeshifts,” Matt said proudly. “The prince of the provisional and the stopgap surgeon.”

Emma didn’t let the opportunity pass her buy and crowned Matt the Prince of the Provisional with placing the roll of duct tape on his head.

“I can’t move,” Matt said and squinted up to where the roll of duct tape was resting on his brow.   
“Come on, big guy.” Danny took the roll and threw it into the basket with the other. “Let’s play.”  
“I have been dethroned!”  
“So I guess his former majesty has to go back to being a common minstrel again,” Russell said with a grin and unpacked his guitar.   
“I have always been happier when it was just me and my bow,” Matt said with a theatrical sigh as he unpacked his violin. “I shall be happier like this.”  
“See.” Danny grinned as well and took his drumsticks out of his backpack. “The mob who overthrew you did you a favour.”

They continued their friendly bickering until everything was set up, and for now they had agreed on focussing on the six numbers that had been allotted to them at the concert. It wasn’t much, but Russell hadn’t wanted to push his luck. So they were last on stage, and they played six numbers only, but they would be on stage.

After they had discussed their choice of songs again and giving those a few tries they took a coffee break, and Danny volunteered to go out and get some. 

When he came back with the carrier full of paper cups and a bag of doughnuts, the others were busily discussing their schedule.

“We’ve agreed on meeting every day for the next three weeks, every afternoon, for a few hours,” Russell said as he took the bag. “Maybe have dinner together and do some more. And whole days at the weekends.”  
Danny faltered as he handed Emma the carrier. “Every day?”  
“We need to practice, and if we only practice those six songs, we’ll ace it!” Russell nudged him in the ribs and opened the bag. “No chocolate ones?”  
“Sold out.” Danny combed his hair back. “Are you serious about meeting here every day and the weekends?”  
“Of course?” Russell looked up at him with a frown. “How else is this gonna work?”

Danny took a deep breath and exhaled it again in a heavy huff.

“What?” Russell now narrowed his eyes.  
“Like...” Danny cleared his throat, a deep, unhappy frown on his own face. “That party is end of year, right? End of examination.”  
“Yeah. So?”  
“It means that during the next weeks we two have exams too.”  
“Yeah, sure but...” Russell broke off and snapped his mouth shut. “Oh. Shit.”

Danny headed over to his drum kit with heavy steps. “Yeah. Shit.”  
“Come on, Danny.” Russell thrust the bag at Matt and hurried to his side. “We will make this work!”  
“And how are we gonna make this work if I... shit, I gotta focus on these exams. I got one coming up that scares me shitless.”

Russell bit his lower lip and rested a hand on Danny’s shoulder. “Hey,” he said softly.  
Danny stared unhappily at the bass drum and shook his head.  
“We will make this work somehow.”  
“I can’t spend that much time here. I just can’t, Russ.”  
“I know.” Russell looked up at the others. 

Emma pursed her lips and handed the coffee carrier to Matt. “Danny?”  
Danny looked up.   
“I mean... you can’t study and read twenty-four seven anyway, can you?”  
“No,” Danny replied with a heavy sigh. “But... I just can’t be here that much.”  
“Then we have to take what we can get.”

After a moment of silence, Danny looked up again. “Shit, I’m sorry. Seems like... it’s me, again. It’s me holding everyone back. Fuck.” He closed his eyes and dropped his head again. “You really should’ve gotten yourself another drummer.”  
“Danny, no!” Emma crossed her arms. “You know that’s crap. It’s you or no one!”  
“You need a drummer who’s actually there,” Danny said and looked at her again.   
“Danny.” Russell increased the pressure of his fingers around Danny’s shoulder.” I’m not going there without you. I’ll be on that stage with you at my back, or not at all.”

Danny dropped his head back and stared at the ceiling. “Fuck. Fuck, I don’t really...”  
“Danny,” Craig began in a soothing voice. “Come on, it’s not your fault, right? You’ve got exams, that has to have higher priority than this.”  
“Yeah, whatever.” Danny gritted his teeth. “We could’ve saved us all the trouble with getting the studio ready before November if...”  
“Danny.” Russell sighed. “Please...”  
“Like, seriously.” Danny crossed his arms. “You would be better off with a drum computer.”  
“Danny!”

“You know,” Matt said after a moment and after everyone had assured Danny that now he was talking some serious crap. “That’s probably not as bad an idea as you just made it sound.” Then he looked around. “And before you all kill me with your glares, would you listen to me?”

The glares he got now were slightly less hostile, and Matt tried to adjust his glasses but couldn’t, because he had the coffee carrier in one hand and the bag of doughnuts in the other. He handed both to Craig. 

“What I am thinking is this.” Matt now adjusted his glasses and looked around. “We all know we don’t work without a drummer. And I’m not saying we should replace Danny with a drum computer because that’s bullshit. But.” He gave Danny a hesitant smile. “He can’t practise as much as we can, but in all honesty, for us, the strings and voices and the flute, we only need a rhythm to practice our stuff. We can practice, experiment, try things out, and we need only a rhythm to keep in time. We can figure out our stuff and perfect it... or as much as we can, anyway. And then, on those occasions that Danny can join us, we put it together. And again, I’m not saying that drums are lowbrow but that Danny is good enough to catch up on the stuff we did.”

There was a thoughtful silence.

“So, no, the drum computer is not Danny’s substitute,” Matt said.  
“It’s his deputy,” Russell added with a growing smile. “Danny?”  
Danny licked his lips and looked around. “I guess...” He shrugged. “It could work.”

“It will work,” Matt said. “It’s only six songs. We got most of it figured out anyway. I’d say the three Aerosmith covers are more or less as good as they get, and the other three... okay. We got some work to do. But the drum parts are not gonna change. And so Danny can be at home hammering stuff into his brain instead of listening to us discussing how long the solo is going to be before we start everything all over again.”

Emma walked over to Matt’s side with a growing grin. “Matt,” she said. “You’re a genius.”  
“The Stopgap Surgeon,” Craig supplied from the background. “The coffee is getting cold.”

They had their coffee, or in Emma’s case a hot chocolate, and their doughnuts, and instead of practicing they spent the rest of the afternoon figuring out the parameters of the drum computer software. Matt had fetched his laptop from his car and they had found some freeware that he had downloaded, and with Danny’s help he now fed the software with the rhythms they needed. 

No one was really happy with that solution, but it worked. They did a test run of one song that they played twice, one time with Danny and one time with the computer. 

“It sounds crap,” Russell said and looked at Danny who shrugged.  
“Of course it sounds crap,” Matt said. “But the point is that we...”  
“I know what the point is,” Russell interrupted him. “It just feels fucking wrong.”  
Danny shook his head and got up. “Come on, Russ. It’s not Matt’s fault.”

Russell’s shoulders dropped. “Sorry, Matt.”  
“It’s all right.” Matt’s spirits didn’t seem dampened. “I’m not happy about it either. We gotta focus on what we have.”  
“Be glad about what we have and not waste time on what we don’t have.” Emma grinned. “Was probably someone like Confucius who said that.”  
Matt lifted one finger. “No, Confucius said: First when a mosquito lands on your testicles will you realise that not every problem can be solved by violence.”

Craig almost snorted coffee out of his nose, to the amusement of the others. 

They went home shortly after that, and Russell tried to cheer Danny up on their way home, with little to no success. He was aware, of course, that being replaced by software, even only temporarily and as last resort, had to bug Danny terribly, although he had been the first to admit that it was the best idea under the given circumstances. 

Plus, he was stressed about his exams. In all, he wasn’t in a good mood when he dropped Russell off, and wasn’t much for kissing good bye, either. But Russell traced a finger along his jaw line in a last, desperate attempt to get his mind off things, just for a second.

“I’d really like one proper kiss before I leave you to your books for the next few weeks,” he said with a hesitant smile.

For the first time since the drum computer had come up Danny smiled, and he gave Russell what he had asked for, plus a little more. Russell, for once, didn’t mind the hickey, and would bear it as a friendly reminder that Danny was still his Danny, stress and exams be damned.

* * *

The exam which was stressing Danny out that much was the second one he had to pass, and even though he knew that you shouldn’t be studying late at night on the eve of an exam he was unable to go to bed, and sat there on his bed with his textbook when it was already close to midnight and he should have been asleep for at least two hours.

The topic was health and environment, and even though he had gone through the subject matter several times, with his notes and with books, he felt frighteningly inadequate. Other, earlier exams had never had that effect on him and he was convinced he was going to fail.

A knock on the door tore him out of his gloom. 

“Yes?”  
His father opened the door. “Shouldn’t you be asleep?”  
“Can’t sleep.” Danny shrugged and stared at his book. “This exam is scaring me shitless.”  
“You’ve been studying so hard, I’m sure it shouldn’t be a problem.”  
Danny huffed out a heavy breath and shook his head. “I don’t even... It’s just... I just can’t get it into my stupid head.”

His father stepped in and closed the door behind him, then sat down on the bed next to his son. 

“Can I ask what the subject is?”

Glad to be distracted from his dark mood by the fact that his father, for the first time, showed an honest interest in what Danny was going to do, Danny sat up and shut the book. 

“Health and environment.”  
“And what does that actually mean?”  
“Global health and environmental issues in the context of New Zealand.”  
Roger Barnett frowned and looked at the book. “I’m not sure I get that.”

Since his father really seemed genuinely interested, Danny leaned forward and started to explain. His father listened with an unmoving face and an occasional nod. 

“And how does all this apply to New Zealand, for god’s sake?”  
“You have to put the issues in the right context. For example...”

Danny wasn’t aware of what his father was doing, not until almost an hour had passed.

“I’m not sure I made much sense, though.”  
“I think you made perfect sense.” His father nodded. “I don’t think I ever learned that much in so short a time.”  
“Really?” Danny brushed his hair back. “I didn’t think you’d be particularly interested in this.”  
“Technically I’m not,” his father replied with raised eyebrows. “But if you’re able to explain all that to an uneducated and completely uninitiated old man, then I’d dare say you’re good enough to pass that exam.”

For a moment, Danny just stared at his father, completely stupefied and with his mouth hanging open. 

“I guess you better try and get some sleep now,” Roger Barnett said and patted his son’s shoulder.   
Danny looked at his hands and after a moment up at his father again, and finally remembered to shut his mouth.   
“You’re good, Daniel. You’re much better than you give yourself credit for. I’ve never seen you work so hard. I wouldn’t be surprised if you come in first in graduation.”  
“First?”  
“Best student, is what I mean.”  
“Dad...”  
“Be that as it may.” Danny’s father got up. “Try and get some sleep.”

Danny nodded with a small, hesitant smile. “Will do.”  
“Good night, Daniel.”  
“Night, Dad.” His father was about to close the door. “Dad?”  
“Hm?”  
“Thank you.”

His father nodded. “Sleep well.”  
“Thanks. You too.”

Danny stared at the closed door for a moment longer before he got up to head for the bathroom. He looked at himself after he had brushed his teeth, and realised he was smiling.

* * *

With that one exam out of his way, Danny was in a decidedly better mood when he showed up on Russell’s birthday. Luckily it was a Saturday that year which made it decidedly easier for those of his friends who were at uni as well. Danny was sure he had passed, but wasn’t nursing any hopes that his grade would be anything to write home about. Russell decided to avoid the topic for the time being.

The afternoon belonged to Russell’s family and there were, as usual, tons of cakes and other treats and the kids were showering Russell with drawings and paintings and other pieces of art. He duly admired every single one of them and arranged them on the piano. 

With dinnertime the house began to fill with Russell’s friends as the family headed home again, and Anders and Seona left the house to take shelter with Christine. 

With his father’s and Danny’s help, Russell had prepared several baking sheet sized pizzas that they had for dinner, and afterwards they settled down in the dining area, the living room and some out on the terrace. There were a few of Russell’s fellow students and some of his old friends from school, Colin and Marvin and Marvin’s girlfriend, the band of course, and a few other friends Russell had picked up at various parties, among those Lucy, Janice and also crazy Craig with his girlfriend Lilly.

Meeting Craig for the first time usually scared anyone; they guy was six foot five and was covered in tattoos and piercings, but he was actually a soft-hearted puppy who frequently gave Emma piggy back rides. Lilly on the other hand was a ball of condensed energy with quite a gab and an infectious laugh. She was also hardly over five foot, and more than once those two were confronted with questions about how they actually made it work and jokes about stools and step ladders. 

They were all busily working on putting a dent in the beer supply and it was close to midnight when the topic of New Year’s Eve parties came up. With one thing leading to another someone mentioned the party two years ago, the one where Russell had gotten so rat-arsed he had been convinced Danny would never look at him again. Apparently, during the time Russell had been out cold with Danny watching over him, some guys had done some stupid things with fireworks and miraculously, no one had been harmed. 

“I swear Patrick was goading them on,” Marvin said. “I have no idea why he still has all his fingers.”  
“And he and his mates are playing in the university’s rugby team and his girlfriend is a hairdresser,” Sally, his girlfriend added. “I have no idea if they’re even real guys.”  
“Or are they just fantasy...” Colin intoned from the background waving his bottle. 

“Caught in a landslide...” Emma grinned.  
“No escape from reality...” Craig added. He could sing pretty good, same as Matt who now joined as well.  
“Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeeeeeee...”

Craig and Matt did a duet. 

“I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy...”

By that time, most people had entered the living room, and some of them joined the party, or the song, as it were. They were off-key, laughed and giggled in between, sometimes couldn’t remember the lyrics properly, but there was no stopping it anymore. Danny was the only one who didn’t at least attempt to sing, and he watched the ongoing grinning around his bottle as he drank.

By the end of the verse, Russell had reached the piano, and he sang with fervour and at the top of his lungs. 

“Mama, just killed a man, put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he's dead. Mama, life had just begun, but now I've gone and thrown it all away...”

For the next few lines most people joined him, and Russell occasionally winced but bravely kept on playing. 

By the time they had reached the lines of _Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?_ Emma, Matt and Craig had jumped up from their seats and started attempting singing in several voices. It worked... to an extent. Russell stopped wincing and joined them. 

“I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me...” Matt sang, fluttering his eyelashes at the ceiling. 

“He’s just a poor boy, from a poor family,” Russell, Emma and Craig and a few others joined. “Spare him his life from this...”

“MONSTROSITY!” Danny roared at the top of his lungs, and everyone burst out laughing and lost their bearings. 

Someone had pulled up the song on their phone and now played it as loud as possible, and they started headbanging and dancing around in the living room, some playing air guitar and/or yelling along, and no one gave a fuck anymore about being off key or even getting the lyrics right. 

They collapsed laughing on various sofas or on the carpet, and them singing along to the last lines was more a mournful yowling than anything else. 

“Nothing really matters, anyone can see, nothing really matters. Nothing really matters to me...”

Then they had another collective drink celebrating their performance. 

It was in the small hours of the night when the first people began to nod off in corners or to withdraw upstairs to find a place for their sleeping bag, the only room being off limits the master bedroom. 

Russell and Danny were the last men standing; or rather, they were sitting outside on the terrace, their backs against the wall. The first grey of dawn was already tinting the sky, and Russell snuggled into Danny’s embrace and rested his head on Danny’s shoulder.

“I’m pretty sure Emma saw the ring when I played,” Russell said in a low voice without looking up.  
“Possibly.”  
“Think she’ll call me out on that?”  
“You can bet your arse that she will.” Danny adjusted his position and pulled Russell a little closer. “But she won’t do it when anyone else is around, apart from me, maybe.”  
“She’ll be mad we didn’t tell her.”  
“Possibly,” Danny said again. “But we can take her out to Chocolate Brown up in Warkworth to get back into her good books.”

Russell finally looked up and exchanged a little grin with Danny before snuggling up to him again. 

“Danny?” He asked after a moment.  
“Hm?”  
“Will it be Johnson or Barnett?”

It took Danny a moment, then he snorted softly. 

“No idea.”  
“You didn’t think about that yet, did you?”  
“Nope.”  
Russell took a deep breath. “Is it stupid that I did?”  
Danny nuzzled his hair. “Is it stupid that I didn’t?”

Russell looked up again. “It won’t happen for a long time, so I guess I’m the slightly stupid one.”  
“It won’t happen before we can afford our own place together ‘cause I sure as fuck am not going to be married to you while still living with my mum and dad.”  
“That’s what I meant.”  
“But that still doesn’t have to stop you from daydreaming about it.”

Now it was Russell who snorted under his breath. “Do you do that, too?”  
Danny emitted an affirmative hum. “Sometimes. Although...”  
“Although?” Russell looked up again.  
“Although I don’t really need a piece of paper to tell me we’re together.”  
“Neither do I.” Russell smiled and poked his finger into Danny’s beard to scratch the tip of his chin. “But it’ll be nice to show everyone else. And apart from that, I want to put a ring on you, too.”  
“We both get to do that.”  
“Even though you already did.”  
“I won’t stop you from returning the favour.”

“But I don’t have a ring.” Russell lowered his hand again and sighed.   
“And I don’t really need one.” Danny gently took Russell’s chin in his hand. 

Russell smiled again and reached out to sift a few strands of Danny’s hair through his fingers. Danny closed his eyes with a smile, leaned forward and their lips met. After they broke the kiss they settled back again in a tight embrace. 

“Maybe we could hyphenate,” Danny said after a moment.   
Russell chuckled. “Like what? Barnett-Johnson?”  
“Or Johnson-Barnett.” Danny pursed his lips. “Actually...”  
“Actually?”  
“I think Johnson-Barnett sounds better, somehow.”  
“Why?”  
“Try and say it.”

Russell smiled up at him. “Barnett-Johnson,” he said. “Johnson-Barnett. Barnett-Johnson. Johnson-Barnett. You’re right, you know. Johnson-Barnett definitely rolls easier off the tongue.”  
“See.”

They looked at each other, and their smile softened 

“Would you mind giving me a kiss, Mr Johnson-Barnett?” Russell asked with a twinkle in his eyes.  
“Not at all, Mr Johnson-Barnett,” Danny replied and pulled him close.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rising of the Midgard Serpent.
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> * * *
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First: A billion thanks to [eeftheotter](http://eeftheotter.tumblr.com) for showering me with all those lovely edits! 
> 
> Then: I found a band whose style similar to the sound imagined for Jormungand: [Korpiklaani](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=co0A3vT-6-k), a finnish metal band. Take the accordeon and replace it with a flute and you'll be as close as you get.
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> [Danny's drumstick tricks](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGp5_8opHh0)
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> Writing music without having ever heard it since it only exists in my head is one of the hardest things I ever wrote. I have no idea if I was able to even remotely get across what I was aiming for, but I honestly did what I could.
> 
> * * *

Russell had put little effort in his exams, same as last term, and had aced it without making any effort. He wasn’t happy about it but he also didn’t talk about it since he full well knew that he couldn’t say this to any of his fellow students. He had told his father who could understand he was upset, but in all, Russell preferred to focus on the band instead.

Danny on the other hand had worked his ass off, and two times he hadn’t shown up at practice despite his assurance he would come. Russell had checked in on him on his way home on both occasions; the first time Danny had simply forgotten and Russell had needed some time to convince him that it wasn’t the end of the world, and the second time he had found Danny with his nose in a book. Literally. Danny had been lying on his bed in boxers and T-shirt, his face buried in his book and deep asleep. Overcome by a surge of protectiveness and affection Russell had needed a moment to pull himself together, then he had cautiously removed the book from under Danny’s head, had pulled up the blanket and switched off the light before leaving him to sleep. 

Emma, and the others too, were occasionally teasing him during practice about having boyfriend withdrawals but Russell could only shrug with a crooked little smile. It was nothing but the truth, after all.

Russell’s last exam had been on a Tuesday and Danny’s on a Thursday, and Danny had gone out with some of his fellow students that evening to celebrate the end of the first year and get properly hammered. 

It was Friday afternoon when Danny showed up at Russell’s place, and Anders offered him coffee after opening the door with a smile; he hadn’t seen him in a few weeks either.

“Thanks, later maybe.” Danny hung up his coat. “Is Russell upstairs?”  
“Yes, but I think he’s still in the shower,” Anders replied and put the cup back into the cupboard.  
“No worries.” Danny kicked off his second shoe. 

“I guess you know the way,” Anders said, half to himself and half to Danny as the latter sprinted up the stairs. He grinned to himself while shaking his head as he made another coffee. 

He and Seona were debating another spontaneous weekend in a hotel somewhat later when Russell and Danny came hurrying down the stairs again, Russell with still somewhat moist hair. Both were slightly more out of breath than running down a single flight of stairs could account for. 

“Not staying for dinner?” Anders asked.  
“No, we’re meeting in the studio,” Russell said with a grin. “Final rehearsal!”  
“Ah... right.” Anders exchanged a smile with Seona. “Big night tomorrow, right?”

Russell’s eyes were as big and bright as a child’s on Christmas morning and he nodded, still grinning. Anders and Seona watched the two leave, and after the sound of Danny’s car had vanished, Seona closed both arms around Anders and rested her chin on his shoulder.

“Your baby is all grown up and has his first big time on stage,” she said with a smile. “Feel old?”  
“Ancient,” Anders gave back and closed his arms around her. “Practically geriatric.”  
Seona pursed her lips and lowered her eyelids.  
“But honestly... he’s had his first big time on stage when he was six. I think he already got addicted to stages and audiences back then.”  
Seona chuckled and looked at the door again. “Should we show up tomorrow evening?”  
“I think I’d stick out of that crowd like a sore thumb,” Anders replied. “Besides, it’s students only.”  
“You could wear your kilt and the jersey.”  
“I don’t think so.”  
“Why?”

“Because one,” Anders said and turned around to face her. “That thing is for your eyes only and because two I don’t wanna be groped.”  
“If anyone dares to grope you they can carry their fingers home in their pocket,” Seona said, green eyes flashing.  
Anders lifted one eyebrow.  
“Anything under that kilt is mine.”  
“Should I get a tattoo on my ass saying _Property of Seona Johnson_?”

Her smile slow and sensuous, Seona closed both her hands around the body part in question. Anders returned that smile and leaned forward, burying his hands into Seona’s curls as their lips met.

* * *

The band gave Danny a bit more time to warm up since he hadn’t played in almost a week, and no one failed to notice that Russell was the only one not looking at their drummer. It wasn’t rocket science to know why though, and they kept their good-natured teasing to a minimum.

They were all very satisfied how things had turned out during the last weeks, even their alibi Aerosmith covers. Russell had sold them as an Aerosmith cover band because there wouldn’t have been a chance in hell that he would have gotten the slot if he had told them what Jormungand actually was, and they had chosen three of their songs and after that would do three of their own as well. They had, after some experimenting, let Matt play rhythm guitar on the Aerosmith numbers since one of his two guitars was a half-acoustic, and Emma would do a bit of background vocals on those. 

The three songs that were actually Jormungand were the adapted poem of the Edda that Russell had played for Craig back then when they had met, one with English lyrics that was the battle prayer of a warrior looking forward to Odin’s Halls, and another one with Norse lyrics about Thor and his chariot.

That last one had given them a lot of trouble; they had tried several things for an instrumental solo but nothing had really worked. Guitar and violin were too high-pitched and the song was already heavy on the drums as it was. It had been Emma who had come up with the idea, after listening to Craig tune his bass in one of their breaks, and while it sounded rather unusual, Jormungand was a rather unusual band. Plus, the low thrum of Craig’s bass when he got the chance to show off what he was really capable of had an almost hypnotizing effect and fit the song perfectly. So a bass solo it was.

Danny stayed at Russell’s place that night but Russell was hardly able to sleep. Danny tried his best to distract him but even that didn’t work; in the end he gave up getting him off as a lost cause and just curled up beside him, listening to Russell’s nervous ramblings until he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Russell was awake long before Danny woke up Saturday morning and had already fetched some coffee. He was so nervous he was constantly blathering and Danny told him to shut up and take a breath more than once, but gave him a hug and a kiss afterwards to take off the edge of his words. 

After breakfast they headed to the studio where they met up with the others to pack up their stuff. Generous uncle that he was, Axl had placed his company van at their disposal again, and after packing everything into the van the five set off, all of them wrapped in a thick aura of nervousness and stage fever. 

The party started at six but Jormungand was the last on stage which meant well after midnight, but they still had to be there for the sound checks at four. After doing that they deposited their instruments in the portacabin behind the stage and passed the time with coffee, doughnuts, chocolate and telling each other that they would ace it. 

The start of the concert was a rather mediocre metal band with a logo that looked like a heap of brambles, the name absolutely illegible (Tears in Hell, as they were informed by the lead singer), followed by a hard rock band with lots of AC/DC covers and with a very similar style. 

A group of their friends, about the same people as those who had been at Russell’s birthday party plus a few fellow students of Danny and a few friends of Matt and Craig, had shown up as well and had declared themselves their groupies, and Lilly, Janice and Lucy proceeded to follow them around occasionally making fangirl noises. Even Russell’s grin was back at that. 

The more the evening wore on, however, the more silent Russell became, and he kept staring at the stage with an expression that was part stage fever bordering on fear and part determination. 

But events rarely run like clockwork, and this one was no exception. Some minor technical difficulties together with a few encores that hadn’t been planned had thrown the schedule off track a bit, and the whole program was about half an hour behind when it was finally Jormungand’s turn. 

And then Cornell, the main organiser and the one Russell had been in contact with, approached them, and not in a good mood. To be honest, Russell had never seen him in a good mood, but now he was stressed as well.

“Right kids, we’re running late,” he said, and the band exchanged a few dismayed and worried looks. “The encores weren’t part of the schedule and we’ve got permission to run this venue until two am, period, no exception. So at two, we turn off the lights. Means you have the time for three numbers, probably. Not more.”

Russell squared his shoulders. 

“And before you go off on another tangent now keep in mind we can just turn off the lights now. Go up there or pack your stuff. It’s not as if a few Aerosmith numbers are a great loss right now after No more Faith and Obsidian.”

With that he vanished, and the band was left staring at the small set of stairs leading up to the stage. The roadies were just putting Danny’s kit into place. 

“Shit.” Russell’s voice hardly carried. “What are we gonna do now?”  
“Go up there and play,” Danny said with a shrug. “Show must go on.”  
“But...” Russell ran both hands through his curls. “Three numbers. Which ones? And we have about two minutes left to decide.”

“Maybe we should go for the Aerosmith numbers, to be safe,” Emma said hesitantly. “You told them we’re a cover band after all.”  
“But that means Matt won’t play his violin, and you will just stand there going _oooh_ every now and then.” Russell’s face turned grim. “Fuck that!”

“Yeah, so, like Emma said,” Matt said after a moment of heavy silence. “You sold us as a cover band, but...”  
“I know!” Russell almost growled.  
“But,” Matt went on. “We’re not. And once we’re up there, what can they do?”  
“Turn off the lights,” Russell said darkly.  
“Then the question is if it’s worth the risk.”

Russell looked up at him. 

“I know I’m the newest one of the lot, it’s just my two cents,” Matt said with a shrug. “But we are Jormungand.”

Russell swallowed hard and looked up at Danny. “Danny?”  
“Matt’s right, you know.” Danny managed a smile.  
Russell looked at Craig.  
Craig just adjusted the strap of his bass. “Jormungand is what I signed up for,” he said. “Not gonna back out on you now.”

At that, Matt put down his guitar and picked up his violin. “Let’s give those other fuckers a run for their money,” he said. “And if not, we’ll dine in the halls of the Valhalla of musicians tonight.”

Emma held out her hand, palm down. “Jormungand,” she said gravely.  
“Jormungand,” Danny said and rested his hand on top of hers.  
“Jormungand,” Matt and Craig said almost simultaneously and put their hands on top of each other on Danny’s.

“Jormungand,” Russell said now too after a deep and heavy breath and rested his hand on the top of Matt’s. “Let’s go.”

As they entered the stage the last of the roadies just vanished through the curtain on the other side. Danny slid behind his drum kit and adjusted it and his microphone with a few tugs. He didn’t have it to sing; rather he needed it for the occasional ‘metal growl’, as Russell called it, that he would do together with Craig as they had the deepest voices. 

Matt, Craig and Russell plugged in their instruments while Emma moistened the mouth piece of her flute. They had done some experimenting on that one too, and in the end had chosen one that looked like a large tin whistle. It was made of actual reed though and had cost half a fortune, but its sound was exactly what they needed, so Russell had taken some of the money he had lying around and bought it for her. 

And now, in the spotlight on the small stage, looking at a crowd he knew was there but could hardly see, all nervousness and stage fever vanished and left Russell calm and with a crystal clear mind. To the right, close to the stage, he could just make out crazy Craig who literally stood out of the crowd, and knew that there was where their self-declared groupies were. They were already cheering them on. 

Russell smiled into the general direction of the noise and stepped towards the microphone.

“Evening,” he said. “We’re Jormungand. The plan was to do some Aerosmith covers to warm up, but now everything was delayed so we only have half the time of what we originally bargained for.” 

Crazy Craig hollered out a _Boo_. 

“Yeah.” Russell grinned. “So we decided to be true to our name and do our own stuff.” With that, he took a step back and turned around to give Danny a nod. Their eyes met, Danny nodded back and lifted his drumsticks, showing off with an elegant twirl before bringing them down and giving them the count of four. 

Their first song started with a fast and heavy riff, and with the first note, Russell closed his eyes and was in another realm. There was no stage, no crowd, no nasty assholes backstage and no ticking clock. There was just music. His guitar, the bass that joined him, and his and Emma’s voices joined by the violin, and all that carried and backed up by Danny’s drums. 

Their audience needed a moment to warm up to their unusual style with lyrics they couldn’t understand, but warm up they did. After their first number there was a lot of cheering, whistling and clapping, and with a bright light in his eyes and a grin on his face, Russell nodded at Danny again. 

Thor’s wild hunt. The one that had given them more than one headache. 

It started with Danny doing a slow, soft drum roll on the bass drum. It vibrated across the stage and the slightly eerie sound carried over into the audience. It was very silent all of a sudden. 

The low thrum of Craig’s bass joined the drums and took over as Danny sat up again, and Emma’s flute took up the melody with the violin as a back drop. Then Danny joined them again and the song picked up speed and went into full drive when Russell dropped in as well. It was hard and fast, and this was the one where Danny and Craig did the metal growl at the beginning and end of each verse, with Matt’s violin a high-pitched counterpoint that was always just this side of a painful screech. There was no flute in this one; Russ and Emma sang in two voices, a high melody with the contrast of the low growl that Danny and Craig occasionally supplied.

Craig was the only one of them who had been on stage before, as he had played in two other bands, and he kept his cool when it was his turn for the solo. His fingers danced across the strings as if by magic, and it wasn’t only their self-declared groupies who cheered when he was done. Exchanging a grin with Russell Craig stepped back again, and Danny took the lead now, ending the song with the crash cymbal that was only followed by the last words Russell sang alone, in his best bard-voice that he still could make sound hauntingly sweet and beautiful. 

The crowd went wild and Russell felt a high like he had never felt before. Exchanging a look with Danny made him realise that it was no different for him. All of them were riding the same high now.

Their last song was the battle prayer of a warrior anticipating that he would be dining in Odin’s halls that night. The lyrics were English for this one and it was the most fun of them all, because it took itself far less serious than the title suggested as the theme was mostly booze, boobs and brawling. There was no real solo in this one, just a playful banter between Russ and Matt – or rather their instruments – that had started as a joke during practice but had become the core part of the song. It was the style of duelling instruments, with Russell and Matt taking turns in playing riffs and the other copying it on their own instrument. 

They kept on grinning at each other as they played, pretending to make it as difficult as possible for the other when in truth, everything had been rehearsed a million times down to the last notes. They both hadn’t been comfortable with the thought of improvising on stage. Not yet. 

They just about managed to gather in a line at the front of the stage for a single bow to their audience before the lights went off, but the cheering, whistling, clapping and hooting of the crowd was all they needed. They left the stage, all of them grinning like idiots and high-fiving each other as hard as they could. Russell fell behind a few steps casting a last, longing look at the stage.

“You little shit!”

Russell spun around and the grin on his face died when Cornell hurried towards him with a furious expression. “Aerosmith cover band? And what do you think you’re doing giving me that crap?”

Cornell topped Russell by several inches and outweighed him by at least forty pounds, and he looked as if he would rather sock Russell in the face than shout at him. Russell instinctively ducked a little away from him and Danny was already on his way over when something very strange happened to Russell at that moment.

He tilted his head, straightened up and rolled his shoulders. He slung his guitar on his back and crossed his arms, then he squarely met Cornell’s eyes. 

“It’s not my fault that we lost half of our time,” he said. “The plan was to do Aerosmith covers but...”  
“Don’t give me that! We have a schedule and...”  
“And you didn’t keep it!” Russell cut in sharply. “You said yourself that the encores weren’t planned and you didn’t stop them! So we decided to be ourselves, why don’t you go sue me for that?”

Now Cornell crossed his arms as well. “Don’t you dare think you can just pull a stunt like that, you prick! I know your face, and I know that stupid band name of yours, and I’ll remember it next time I set up a venue! You can go back to play in your daddy’s garage!”

Russell adjusted his stance to rest his weight on the other leg. “Yeah, you remember that name. But you know who else will remember that name?” He leaned a little forward and pointed at the stage, or rather at the front of the stage. “They will. There are almost three hundred people out there who heard the name Jormungand for the first time tonight, and they were having a fucking blast down there. They screamed for encores that we couldn’t give them, and _they_ will remember us too. They will tell their friends who weren’t here tonight about the band who cross metal and Norse folk, and all those people will come looking for us at your next venue. So yeah, remember that name, because after tonight, it’ll be a selling point.”

With that, he turned around and left Cornell standing there, and the latter crossed his arms and snorted through his nose like an angry bull. He didn’t say anything more however and just turned around and stormed off, answering a phone call as he did so. 

The band had watched Russell’s performance in silent satisfaction, but Danny was simply stupefied. He had feared the worst when Cornell had started to have a go at Russ, and within a second had feared there would be a panic attack later tonight, and even if it just might have been a minor one it still would have ruined every sense of victory. He had been ready to have Russell’s back and stand next to him... and he hadn’t needed to. 

Russell now caught up with them, a victorious grin on his face and a light in his eyes that Danny had never seen before. 

Or rather...

He had seen it before. All of a sudden he remembered it, the light in the face of a guy hardly more than a boy whom he had met almost three years ago at the Auckland festival. A guy with a dream about a band, a guy with a bright and infectious smile and a soaring spirit and a soul full of music. 

And after that, he hadn’t spent a long time clinging to a relationship that had already been on its way out of the door, even if he had thought Russell too young back then since he himself had been an adult and Russell still a minor. 

It was something he hadn’t seen anymore in Russell after Norway, and he had blamed it on all the shit that had happened to him even if he still didn’t know what exactly it had been. Danny was pretty sure that Russell was not only keeping things a secret but had also outright lied to him on a few occasions, but he was also sure that Russell had had a damn good reason to do so, so he had never pressed the matter. But whatever it was that had happened which had caused that particular kind of light to vanish, Danny had thought it was due to the fact that Norway had forced him to grow up a lot faster than he would normally have in the few months that had actually happened. 

He knew that Russell hadn’t been as vulnerable and fragile before Norway. He had no idea about the true extent of the damage, had always been worried he had only seen the tip of the iceberg, but now, in this moment, he realised that maturing too fast had had nothing to do with it. 

Danny also knew that some of the wounds that Russell had would never truly heal. But now he could also see that those wounds he had received in Norway had drained something out of him, something that had now, by whatever magic had happened on that stage, been replenished again all of a sudden. 

Several other metaphors ghosted through Danny’s mind; healed wounds, refilled energy, breaking free of bonds or a cage, but it all amounted to the same thing: the almost constant trace of fear in Russell’s eyes, something he had never consciously known had been there, was suddenly gone. And it was only now that it was gone that Danny realised it had been there, the reason why Russell had been so different a person after Norway. 

The man he was looking at now had the same bright eyes as the teen he had met at the festival. The one he had fallen in love with. His feelings had never lessened, not even during the bleak and painful time of their break-up, but at that moment, as Russell’s eyes met his and he smiled at him, Danny fell in love with him all over again. 

Russell picked up on his strange mood and strange facial expression and raised his eyebrows, but Danny knew he would never in a million years be able to put his thoughts into words, so he just shrugged with a helpless little smile. Russell nudged shoulders with him and winked with a flash of dimples, and Danny felt his breath catch in his throat.

“Oh my god!” Emma ran her hands through her hair with an air of exasperation. “We need to find those two a room, and quick!”

And Russell, instead of grinning crookedly with reddening ears, threw back his head and guffawed. 

Danny could only shrug with another helpless smile when Emma gave him a questioning look, but then they all followed Russell and left the backstage area to where the roadies were depositing their equipment. They quickly loaded it into the van and then finally went and found themselves something to drink and celebrate. 

It was after their third beer that Russell dragged Danny out of the bar tent and around it, and he pressed Danny against the nearest tree with a predatory smile. 

Danny in turn cradled Russell’s face in his hand, his throat almost too dry to swallow. Russell’s smile softened and their first kiss was almost shy, but they quickly went from soft to passionate. 

“Why does it feel as if we’re kissing for the first time?” Russell muttered into the crook of Danny’s neck after breaking the kiss.  
“’Cause I’ve never seen you like this,” Danny said in a low voice.  
Russell looked up again with a thoughtful smile. “Yeah... I haven’t felt this much alive in a very long time.”  
“Since Norway?”  
“Yeah. Since Norway.” Russell buried both hands in Danny’s hair. “But I’m still your Russell, right?”

Danny smiled and ran a finger across Russell’s cheek and jaw line. “My Russell,” he whispered. Their lips touched in a kiss as soft as the touch of a butterfly’s wing. “My Russell,” he whispered again, and their lips touched again. “And I’m your Danny.” Another soft touch of lips. “Always.”  
“Always,” Russell whispered, followed by another soft kiss. “And forever.”

They didn’t stop kissing for a long time, not until Matt poked his head out of the tent and yelled into their general direction that they had not nearly celebrated enough and that the next round was on him. 

Hand in hand they headed back into the tent to celebrate the rising of the Midgard Serpent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now did everyone see this? Because I will _not_ be doing it again.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are several ways to ruin a party.

The New Year’s Eve party that year took place at Colin’s house; he lived only a few blocks away from Russell and the two had been friends since first grade. Colin had an older and a younger brother, and this year the three of them had decided to merge their parties, so the house would be full of people which required some extra planning. 

Russell and Danny had come there rather early to help Colin set things up, but Emma would join the party later. One of her colleagues was moving away in the first week of January and they wanted to do a little farewell celebration before joining their various parties. 

Colin and his younger brother Jeremy were busy in the kitchen preparing foods and snacks while Russell, banned from the kitchen as usual, stood around with his thumbs up his ass and a scowl on his face while having a beer. The activities in the kitchen became somewhat hectic as the unmistakable smell of burnt onions began to waft through the house.

“Shit, Jemmy!”  
“Sorry!”

“What the fuck?” Danny, who just had supplied Russell with another beer, hurried back towards the kitchen.  
“That idiot burnt the onions _and_ the peppers!” Colin said.   
“Yeah, as if I did that on purpose!”  
“But the meat is already done and if we have to keep that warm until we got new onions it’s gonna be leather!” Colin went on. “And peppers take like forever,” he went on after opening the fridge. “You idiot!

Russell leaned against the table and crossed his arms. Colin looked up at him and took a deep breath.

“Uhm, Russ? Could you give us a hand?”  
Russell lifted both eyebrows. “I thought cooking with me was no fun?”  
“Jesus.” Colin fidgeted. “I know...”  
Russell cast a look into the kitchen. 

Colin sighed and ran both hands through his hair. “Come on, Russell...”  
“You know how great that feels? Being told to keep out of anything and then asked to help when things have gone tits up?” Russell scoffed.  
“Yes, I do.” Colin shrugged uncomfortably.  
Russell huffed out an angry snort.

“Russell...” Danny had wiped his hands on a towel and approached his boyfriend. “Would you please help us save dinner?”

Russell sighed, uncrossed his arms and headed for the kitchen. After checking the knife he had been handed he gave it a few swipes with the sharpening steel and set to work slicing the onions and the peppers while giving out instructions about the amount of oil in the skillet and the required heat. 

The new batch of onions and peppers was done in almost no time, and the chilli kebabs were saved from becoming a sorry affair of dry meat, burnt peppers and half-cooked onions. 

“It’s not witchcraft,” Russell said as he wiped his hands on a towel. “Just practice.”  
“Still,” Jem said with a small grin. “Thanks for saving us.”  
“It’s all right.”

Jem and Colin exchanged a look, a grin, and then fell onto their knees. 

“We’re not worthy!” They yelled while raising their hands and bowing.

Russell blinked and then had to laugh. “You are worthy,” he said and graciously inclined his head. 

Danny stepped behind him and closed both arms around Russell’s waist before resting his chin on Russell’s shoulder. “Thank you,” he said in an extra low voice and nuzzled Russell’s hair.  
“Yeah, all right, all right!” Russell laughed. “It’s all right!”  
“We’re so very grateful,” Danny muttered and playfully nipped Russell’s ear.  
“Maybe you should postpone that particular way of expressing gratitude until a later time and a bit more privacy?”  
Danny hummed and slipped his hands under Russell’s T-shirt. 

At that moment the door opened and Colin’s older brother Mark came in, with a few friends in tow whom he had met while shopping to stock up the beer supply that had been deemed insufficient. He looked at the scene before his eyes: Danny with both hands under Russell’s shirt and his younger brothers kneeling in front of him with their hands in the air.

“Sorry, are we interrupting something?”

The four in the kitchen looked at him, saw his facial expression and burst out laughing.

More guests began to arrive and some actually approached Russ and Danny to ask if they would play at the festival next week. Russell said not yet, the year after maybe, but he was glowing with pride that so many people remembered their gig.

Craig and Matt showed up later than most people, and it was clear on first glance that Craig wasn’t in a good mood. He bee-lined for the fridge, grabbed a beer and almost drained half of it in one go. 

Russell and Danny stopped snogging in the corner they had retreated into and headed over. They gave Matt a questioning look and Matt shrugged with an unhappy smile.

Craig lowered the bottle and heaved a heavy sigh. 

“Craig?” Russell asked cautiously, but Craig looked at Danny instead.  
“Suppose you haven’t heard it yet?”  
Danny glanced at Russell and then shrugged. “Heard what?”

Craig took another sip of beer. “I was on the website of the festival today again to look something up and it said that Deathwish had plans to cancel...”  
“What?!” Danny interrupted him. “You fucking serious?”  
Craig brought his bottle up. “Yeah, plans,” he said and took a sip. “They’re coming but... apparently it’s their last gig.”

Danny blinked a few times, then his eyes widened. “What the fuck?” He whispered.  
Craig knocked the bottle back and put it down, then immediately headed for the fridge to help himself to another one. “They’re gonna end it. Auckland Festival and then it’s over.”  
“They’re splitting up?” Danny leaned back and ran both hands through his hair. “Why? Their last album sold like a bazillion copies!”  
“Fuck if I know,” Craig replied darkly. “There was nothing else, just that it’ll be their last gig.”  
“Fuck that.” Danny closed his eyes for a moment. “Oh for fucking fuck’s sake.”

Russell took a deep breath and looked at Matt who only shrugged again. 

“Well, so much for this party then, I guess,” Russell said in a low voice, opened the fridge and took two beers. He handed one to Matt. “Shit.”

For the moment, Matt and Russell left the two to drink in gloomy companionship and went outside. 

Sipping his beer, Russell cast the occasional look towards the kitchen door. Danny had been a fan of Deathwish since he was hardly older than ten, and Russell could only shake his head. That had to hurt, but at least he would be there for their last gig. How much comfort that would be, however, Russell had no idea.

* * *

Equipped with a bottle of whiskey and not even bothering with glasses Craig and Danny had retreated into a corner of the living room where they now passed the bottle back and forth. A few more people filed in and got comfortable on the sofas but the two simply ignored them.

Eventually, Janice and Lucy showed up as well. Craig gave those two a small smile before shifting his attention back to the bottle and the two had a look around.

“Danny?” Janice asked. “Is Emma here already?”  
“Don’t think so,” Danny said, voice already slightly slurred. “She hasn’t been in here, at least.”  
“Oh well.” Janice smiled but her smile vanished again when she watched Craig and Danny work through the bottle. “You all right, guys?”

Danny lowered the bottle and handed it to Craig. “No. We’re just two pathetic fanboys whose favourite band is splitting up.”  
“Oh.” Janice looked at Lucy who shrugged. “Deathwish?”  
Danny nodded. “Auckland Festival is their last gig.”  
“Well fuck that,” Lucy said. “Sorry about that, guys.”  
With a shrug Danny accepted the bottle back and took a sip.

“Anyone seen Emma?” Someone yelled into the living room.  
“Nope!” Lucy looked back over her shoulder. “Don’t think she showed up yet!”

“Isn’t Emma the one with the pink hair?” Sandy, Mark’s girlfriend, asked while draping her legs over the lap of her boyfriend.   
“No, that’s Stacey,” Jem gave back. “Last time I saw Emma hers was blue.”  
“Is there any colour she hasn’t tried yet?”  
“Grey, I suppose.” Jem grinned and took a sip of his beer. “Or black.”  
“She would look smashing with black hair.” Sandy looked at Danny. “Wouldn’t she?”

Danny shrugged. “Emma and black hair? Not gonna happen.”  
“You so sure?”  
Danny took a rather generous swig of the whiskey and barely suppressed a belch. “If she ever shows up with black hair I shave my head.”

That was the cause for a few amused chuckles but Danny’s only concern at that point was the whiskey. He and Craig were slowly but surely approaching the state of _Too plastered to care_.

It was close to eleven when the doorbell rang and Jem got up, left the living room and headed for the door. He opened it and guffawed. 

“What’s so funny?” Emma’s voice could be heard.  
“Your hair is!”  
“Okay? And how much did you have already?”  
“Not nearly enough.”

Emma entered the living room with a cheerful “Hi everyone!” and all the people around her burst out laughing too.

“What?” Emma crossed her arms.  
“I told you she’d look smashing with black hair!” Sandy yelled.

Everyone looked at Danny who lowered the bottle with bloodshot eyes. “Yeah. Hilarious.”

Shortly after, Jem came back into the living room. With a pair of clippers. 

“Come on, Danny!”  
Danny frowned up at him. “The fuck?”  
“You said you shave your head if Emma ever shows up here with black hair!”  
Danny rolled his eyes. “Go fuck yourself.”

“Jemmy, come on.” Emma shook her head and nudged Jem in the ribs. “Cut the crap.”   
“But he said it!”

“You know what?” Danny laboured onto his feet. “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.” Then he looked at Craig. “You coming?”  
Craig nodded and let Danny give him a hand up.

“Wait a minute!” Jem grabbed Danny’s arm as the latter stepped past him. “You’re not gonna welsh on us?”  
“I said, go fuck yourself!” Danny growled and shook off Jem’s hand. “It wasn’t a fucking bet!”  
“Like fuck it was, you chickenshit!”  
Danny snorted out a mirthless chuckle and headed outside. 

Emma rolled her eyes so hard they were about to fall out of her head, but when Jem, now with two of his mates in attendance, followed Danny and Craig outside she crossed her arms, shook her head and followed them in turn.

* * *

Having decided that leaving Craig and Danny alone was the best course of action for now, Matt and Russell had found a few other people to chat with and some of them even engaged them in a conversation about Jormungand. Because of that it took him a while to notice the shouting coming from the other end of the garden, but when he did, he immediately noticed that one of the voices was Danny’s. After rolling his shoulders he crossed the lawn and headed for the patio.

It was when he realised that not only was Danny so hammered he was swaying but that a guy was approaching him with a buzzing pair of clippers that he broke into a run. Three guys had cornered him alone, probably because Craig had had to go upstairs for a piss, and Russell thought that one of them might be Jem but he wasn’t too sure. Not until he was close enough to understand what was being said.

“Get the fuck away from me, you fucker!”  
“Come on, Danny! You’re a fucking coward!”  
“As if I give a shit,” Danny spat. “Get that fucking thing away from my hair!”  
“Not a man of your word, huh?” One of Jem’s mates said. “Maybe half of it? Come on, you could rock an undercut!”  
“Leave me the fuck alone!”

Russell had finally reached them and kicked Jem so hard in the ass that the latter dropped the clippers. He tried to grab them but Russell was faster and swept them up, almost losing his balance as he did so. He didn’t waste a second after straightening up though, and threw them away as hard as he could. They vanished out of sight with an unmistakable splash; by sheer chance, they had hit the garden pond.

“You fucker!” Jem screamed after rubbing his backside. “Those were my dad’s!” He tried to grab him but Russell, who wasn’t as drunk as Jem, just evaded the move.   
“Then maybe you should’ve left them where they belong, you bloody cuntface!” Russell screamed back. 

Danny had reached his side now but it was as plain as a pikestaff that he was of little use. But at that moment Mark, Colin and Emma had reached them as well while Matt and a few other people had come over too.

“What the everliving fuck is going on here?” Colin asked.  
“Russell... that bloody asshole! He threw dad’s clippers into the pond!”

Colin slowly blinked in confusion and looked at Russell.

“He was having a go at Danny!” Russell curled his hands into fists. “What do I care whose they are!”  
“Having a go at Danny?”  
“Oh for fuck’s sake, Jem!” Mark rolled his eyes. “You bloody cocksplat!”  
“What?” Jem crossed his arms. “He lost a bet!”  
“I didn’t bet!” Danny snarled. “For the... the... last time!”

“Shut up, all of you!” Colin yelled. “What the fuck is going on here?”

“When we were inside earlier on someone started speculating about Emma’s new hair colour,” Mark explained. “And Danny was totally convinced it would never be black. He said he’d shave his head if she shows up here with black hair, and not half an hour later she shows up here with black hair.”  
“I didn’t mean anything,” Danny slurred. “I just fucking said it like... that.”

Russell was by now bristling with anger.

“So you were trying to shave his head by force?” He asked Jem. “Seriously? Because of an offhand remark of someone who’s so plastered he can’t stand upright anymore?”  
“Yeah right, damsel in distress needing a knight in shining armour,” one of Jem’s mates muttered from the background.

Russell spun around, eyes ablaze with fury. The guy took a step back.

“Everyone shut up!” Colin yelled again. 

Jem was far from sober himself and couldn’t let the matter rest. “But he said it!”  
“Shut up!” Russell barked. “Just shut the fuck up and fuck off! So he said it, but he didn’t mean it, and even if he did it wouldn’t give you fuckstick any right to touch his hair!”  
“Yeah, need your boyfriend pretty or what?” Jem snarled back.  
“I don’t give a shit if this is my boyfriend or not! You’re not gonna shave anyone’s head!”  
“It’s just a joke, man!”  
“No it bloody isn’t!” Russell was visibly restraining himself from socking Jem in the face. 

“Russell...” Emma began, but Russell ignored her.

“’Cause I’ve been there! Twice! Getting your head shaved against your will isn’t funny, and it isn’t funny a year later, and it still isn’t funny ten years later! And I’m not gonna let you do that to anyone! Especially not to someone who’s too rat-arsed to defend himself!”

Russell won the stare-off and Jem took a step back. After huffing out an angry snort Russell turned around and stepped closer to Danny.

“You okay?” He asked after putting a hand on Danny’s shoulder.  
Danny blinked slowly and shook his head. “No.”  
Russell bit his lip. “You really meant business, didn’t you?”  
“I think I gotta puke,” Danny mumbled and spun around.

After a heavy sigh with closed eyes Russell hurried after him and followed him upstairs. Danny barely made it to the bathroom in time and the only thing Russell could do was stand behind him in silent support and hold Danny’s hair out of his face while the latter puked his guts out.

* * *

After two glasses of water and a serious coffee Danny began to resemble a human being again, but of course the mood was thoroughly ruined by now. They contemplated calling a taxi to head home to Russell’s place, but they decided against it as they didn’t want to spoil the night for Anders, Seona and Christine. 

Craig had been found snoring behind one of the sofas in the living room, and they had just left him there in peace after covering him with a blanket and positioning a small bucket next to his head.

After watching the fireworks, almost everyone headed back inside for midnight munchies, drinks and the music, but Russell and Danny retreated into a corner of the garden where they settled down with their backs against the wall.

They sat there in silence for a long time before Russell turned his head to look at Danny. “You know, I’d like to say happy New Year and kiss you but...”  
Danny shrugged.  
“Yeah, I know.”  
“I’m just fucking pathetic,” Danny whispered after a moment. “Like... really. What do you want with me?”  
“You know...” Russell sidled closer. “That’s exactly what I asked myself after the New Year’s Eve party two years ago.”

A small, crooked grin appeared on Danny’s face. “Yeah... thanks for saving my hair.”  
“Guess we’re even now.” Russell smiled as well, but Danny’s small grin had already vanished.

“Hey,” Russell said softly after a moment. “I’m sorry.”  
Danny shrugged again. “Yeah, as I said. Just pathetic.”  
“I don’t think so.” Russell shook his head. “They were the heroes of your teenage years, right? You said that it was their drummer who made you want to become one yourself.”  
This time, Danny nodded. 

Russell watched him in silence for a moment until he saw, hardly noticeable in the dim light so far away from the patio, that there was a film of moisture on Danny’s cheeks. He leaned closer and closed both arms around him, and Danny dropped his head on Russell’s shoulder. 

“Shit...” It was a suffocated whisper.  
“It’s okay,” Russell whispered back. “I got you.”

Danny buried his face into Russell’s shoulder, and as he rocked him slightly back and forth, Russell looked up into the night sky where the few last stray rockets painted colourful bursts of light into the darkness.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A heavy, uncomfortable secret finally is no more

Since Danny hadn’t really been restored by the time they were ready to head home the next day, Russell had just gone home alone to fetch his car. They had thrown their backpacks and sleeping bags into the boot and driven back to Russell’s place in silence. 

Anders and Christine were up by the time they arrived, though Seona wasn’t yet back in the world of the living. She was the textbook B-type and took every chance to sleep in that she could. 

Anders looked compassionately at Danny as the latter slid into a chair and rested his face in his hands. 

“Tough night?”  
“You have no idea,” Danny muttered hoarsely into his palms. 

Anders looked up at his son and Russell bit his lips. 

“The party sucked balls,” he finally said and proceeded to tell his father about the events of last night. “But we didn’t want to come here because we didn’t want to ruin your party too.”

Then he sat down next to Danny and put the coffee in front of him. 

“You know,” Christine said after exchanging a look with Anders. “Next time, just do. I’m sure you would have enjoyed quiet chatting, jazz and wine much more than that clusterfuck and we really don’t mind your company.”  
“Thanks.” Russell blew onto his coffee. “Maybe I should just have called.”  
“It's almost as if your New Year’s Eve parties are jinxed.” Anders looked at Danny. “You need some paracetamol?”

Danny shook his head. After a moment, he nodded.

Anders got up and headed into the kitchen from where he came back with two pills and a glass of water. Danny swallowed the pills and propped his elbows onto the table again to rest his head in his palms.

“A whole bottle of whiskey, hm?” Anders said gently.  
“Half of it,” Danny muttered. “But I think I puked most of it out again anyway.”  
“Yeah, after I saw your liver walk out with a briefcase,” Russell said and rested his hand on the back of Danny’s neck. He gently caressed the skin with his thumb. “Do you want to have a lie-down?”

Danny emitted a vaguely affirmative hum and got up. Russell followed him upstairs and into his room where Danny fell flat on his back onto the bed. Russell leaned over him to unbutton Danny’s jeans and pulled them down his legs, then he got rid of his own and got into the bed next to Danny. Danny closed his eyes and hummed again as Russell buried his fingers into Danny’s hair for a gentle scalp massage.

“Hey, you want some music?” Russell asked after a moment.  
“Sure.” Danny didn’t open his eyes. “Just not too loud please.”

Russell slid out of the bed with a smile and headed for the desk. Opening his laptop his eyes fell onto the letter from the university again and his smile vanished. He forced himself to focus on the music first and found a playlist of Celtic instrumental music. Having started that, he then looked at the letter again.

“You coming back?” Danny asked.  
Russell looked up and sighed. “I’m still not sure if I should just decline the whole thing and not go after all.”  
“Come on, Russ. We’ve been over this.”

Russell stared at the letter that was the reply to his application for another semester abroad. He had applied for the first term of the next year shortly after their breakup, in the hopes that getting away from it all as far away as possible was a good idea. Towards the end of the examination period he had received the letter of confirmation, but he still wasn’t sure if it was a good idea after all to go to Norway for half a year. Not because of the location, but because of being away from home for that long a time. And yes, he and Danny had been over this. Several times. 

_Danny sat down on the bed, looking at the letter. “Okay...”_   
_“I know. I forgot about it, to be honest. I wasn’t in a good... frame of mind...” He faltered._

_Danny looked up and patted the mattress next to him. Russell sat down and Danny ran a hand through Russell’s hair with a smile. Russell was able to smile back, and both of them looked at the letter of confirmation again._

_“It sounds exciting, but are you sure that Norway, of all countries, is a good idea?”_   
_Russell shrugged. “It’s the best country pertaining to my topic. And you know... it’s Oslo this time, not Trondheim.”_   
_“Still...” Danny scratched his chin without taking his eyes off the letter._   
_“I know. I know, right?” Russell exhaled a long breath. “I kind of see it as... as some sort of confrontation therapy as well. It’s not Norway as such that tried to swallow me whole, you know?”_   
_“I know.” Danny folded the letter again and put it down. “You’re gonna be a long time away.”_   
_“Hm.”_

_Danny moved closer and draped one arm around Russell’s shoulders. “But hey...” He pulled him close. “That shouldn’t stop you from doing what you want to do. Or feel that you need to do. This gives you lots of experience, very valuable experience. Not to mention a ton of extra credits.”_   
_Russell nodded while staring at his hands. “I know. But... I kind of...” Then he looked up. “I don’t really want to be away from you for that long.”_

_Danny’s smile softened. “And I don’t want you to be away for so long but...” He shrugged. “This is your thing. You’ve been dreaming of this since you were ten, and going to Norway was always a big part of it. Now’s the chance. You talked so much about the university in Oslo. And you know... this is you. Your thing. I mean... don’t get me wrong. I get that you don’t want to leave me, and I don’t really want you to leave, but... we’re still...” He frowned and then shrugged. “We’re not a symbiotic life form, you know. We’re two separate people. I mean, even when we get married someday we will still be separate people and we can’t do everything together.”_

_Russell nodded slowly. Then he took a deep breath and looked up at Danny. “I’m gonna miss you like fuck.”_   
_Danny pulled him closer. “And I’m gonna miss you like fuck too,” he said and kissed Russell’s temple. “But it’s not forever. And if you’re sure that Norway won’t give you flashbacks or panic attacks or whatever...” ___  
_“I’m pretty confident it won’t, though I can’t quite say why.”_   
_“Doesn’t matter. What matters is that you do what you’ve been dreaming of for years and go there.”_

_Their eyes met, and Danny leaned forward for a kiss. Russell opened his lips and let himself be pushed onto his back as all thoughts of Norway vanished out of his mind._

Russell looked at the letter for a moment longer before he put it down. He went back to bed, but they both were too beat for now to do anything more than kiss and cuddle. They stayed in bed until Anders knocked and asked them if they wanted to have dinner with him and Seona, and after dinner they went straight to bed.

Danny left again the next morning, as they both had to start sorting out their stuff for the festival the upcoming weekend, and Russell also had to start getting his things together for Norway, as his plane would leave two days after the festival before noon. He started on a list shortly after Danny had left, but he had to force his mind to stay focussed. There were so many things on his mind right now, and in the end he gave up and headed downstairs. 

Anders and Seona were sitting at the table, having a cup of coffee and tea, respectively, in comfortable silence. Russell made himself a coffee too and approached the table.

“Can I disturb you?”  
“Sit down, you oaf.” Seona shook her head. “You’re not disturbing anything. If we wanted more privacy we’d be upstairs.”

Russell bit back a grin and sat down. 

“Dad?” He asked after a moment.  
“What is it?”  
Russell bit his lip. “You... you know practically everyone in this city who is of any consequence, right?”  
Anders shrugged and took a sip of coffee. “I know a lot of people, yes, and I do have some connections. What can I do for you?”  
“See, the thing is...” Russell ran both hands through his hair. “It’s because of Danny... I was thinking about... do you think you could... somehow... be able to get a backstage pass for the festival?”

Anders lifted his eyebrows and huffed. “I have no idea who to ask, honestly. But I’ll think about it, and maybe Dawn knows someone. I swear she knows more people than I do. I can’t promise anything, Russ. But I’ll do my best.”  
Russell nodded. “Thanks.”

After another sip of coffee Russell got up again and headed for the living room. He fell into the sofa and closed his eyes, and then realised he had forgotten his coffee.

At that moment Anders came in and put said coffee down in front of him.

“And what is the problem really?” He asked after sitting down.  
“That was the problem.” Russell opened his eyes. “One of two.”  
“And the second one?”

Russell hesitated. “I...” He picked up his coffee. “I don’t know... I mean, it’s because of Norway. And because of Danny.”  
“You mean that you’re gonna be a long way and a long time away from home?”  
“That too. But what I really... I mean... fuck...” Russell took a large gulp of his coffee. “I just hate it that I can’t talk to him about what really happened. And if I go there again now... I’m afraid it’ll get worse. I don’t want to lie to him, and not to Emma, either. It’s just... oh fuck!”

He drained his coffee, then fell back into the sofa and closed his eyes, clutching his empty cup. After a moment, Anders gently pried the cup out of his hands and got up. Russell kept his eyes closed, to keep the tears at bay that were threatening to spill over, but eventually he just gave up. 

Someone sat down beside him, but it wasn’t his father. Russell sat up, wiped a hand across his face and didn’t even try to smile at her.

“Russell,” Seona said gently and took one of his hands.   
“Hm?”

Seona ran her thumb over the back of Russell’s hand. “I know it’s hard, and I know you really need some courage, but... you should talk to Danny. You should tell him.”

“Tell him what?” Russell asked after a moment in a slightly shaky voice.

“About your family history and the gods,” Seona said calmly while looking straight into Russell’s eyes. 

Russell stared at her as if she had sprouted a second head. He swallowed drily, then he suddenly tore his hand away, jumped up and left the living room in a run. He dashed up the stairs and the door to his room slammed shut.

Seona left the living room as well and Anders pulled her into an embrace.

“You think we did the right thing?” Seona asked hesitantly.  
“Yes,” Anders breathed into her hair. “He had to know at one point. Now it’s up to him, though. We can’t make the decision for him, but now he knows that it’s possible.”  
Seona buried her face into his shoulder. “I feel so sorry for him.”  
“Believe me, so do I.” Anders closed his eyes. “I felt sorry for him since the day he had to learn what I never wanted him to know.”

Seona didn’t reply and Anders stared out of the window in silence for a long time.

* * *

Russell fought with himself for the rest of the day, and for most of the night. He fought with himself for the better part of the next day as well, but shortly before dinnertime he finally picked up his phone with trembling fingers and called first Emma and then Danny, to ask if they could meet and hang out a bit somewhere at the beach.

He was sure that both of them knew something was wrong and that he didn’t just want to hang out one last time before leaving for Norway, and he wondered how he would ever be able to scrape enough guts together to talk about all that. 

They had agreed to meet the next evening, and Russell didn’t sleep at all that night. But he knew that it was now or never; after the festival there wasn’t enough time anymore for that sort of talk. So better to get it over with because the thought alone of having to wait any longer drove him up the wall.

* * *

They met at Mission Bay beach the next evening; Russell had walked there and watched Emma’s car pull into the parking lot with a deep feeling of fear and unease in his guts. Danny arrived almost directly afterwards, and Russell wasn’t even pretending he wasn’t nervous. Both Danny and Emma were eyeing him with worried expressions, but Russell didn’t look at either of them. 

They settled down comfortably on a blanket at the beach close to the water line, with Emma and Danny taking Russell between them, but Russell kept staring straight ahead into the gently sloshing waves.

“Hey, Russ,” Danny finally whispered. “What’s the matter?”

Russell swallowed hard. “I... I have to...” he whispered as well. “I have to... but I... I don’t know if I can...”  
“You can,” Emma said softly and took one of his hands while Danny put an arm around him. 

Another long silence passed.

“It’s because of Norway, isn’t it?” Danny’s voice was low. “We both know that you couldn’t talk to us about everything.”  
“I lied,” Russell whispered hoarsely. “I lied, and I’m sorry, and I don’t wanna lie anymore...”  
“Then you gotta talk to us,” Emma said gently but firmly. “We knew all along that you were evading stuff, and we knew that sometimes, you didn’t tell the truth. But we’re sure you had your reasons.”

A single tear trickled down Russell’s cheek, followed by another one shortly after on the other. “I don’t wanna lie anymore...”

Danny pulled him close and Emma increased the pressure of her fingers around Russell’s hand. Russell kept staring straight ahead.

“What...” he began hesitantly. “What happened... there’s so much that... oh fuck, you’re never going to believe me.”  
“How about you leave that to us,” Emma said. “But whatever it is, we’re not going to walk away from you.”  
“You have no idea,” Russell whispered.  
“No, we don't, and that’s why we’re here, right?” Danny’s voice was low and gentle. “Russ, really... you don’t have to be scared.”

Russell took a few deep breaths. “It’s... it’s about Norway, yes. And my family. And it all started several hundred years ago and...” He wiped a hand across his face. “Norway... those people that kidnapped me...”  
“Those crazy freaks from that crazy sect?” Emma asked.

“They...” Russell’s voice was hardly audible. “It wasn’t a sect.”

Danny and Emma exchanged a dismayed and worried look behind Russell’s back.

“It’s... it’s all true,” Russell finally went on in a halting voice, every word a huge load that he almost couldn’t bear. “Everything. The... the gods. The old gods. Giants. Dark elves. Light elves. The Yggdrasil. It’s... it’s all true. I was... I was there. The... the gods. Living... living inc...incarnations of gods... their spirits in... in mortal bodies... it’s... the old legends.... they’re all true.”

Neither Danny nor Emma could think of anything to say, and both kept their eyes on Russell who took another deep breath and started to explain. Went several hundred years back in time.

About the gods who had left Asgard to restore the faith of the people who had turned to a new god. How they had lost their powers. How they had fled on ships to the new world. How they then became so weak that their bodies became mortal and died. How their way back to Asgard had been barred. How their spirits had been forced to linger in the void to wait for the maturity of one of the descendants of the bodies that had died on them. Mortal bodies to carry spirits of gods.

Talked about how, seventeen years ago, the gods finally found their way back and left their mortal vessels behind for good. 

How due to a misjudgement, a grave mistake had been made, with even greater consequences.

How blood and heritage and gods, giants, dark elves and light elves came to play a role in the restoring of the Yggdrasil. 

And his own part in all of that.

In the end, Russell got up, shook off Danny’s arm and Emma’s hand and walked towards the water line. He slung his arms around his chest and stared at his feet, shoulders shaking in silent sobs he unsuccessfully tried to suppress.

Emma and Danny were left staring at each other not knowing what to think. Eventually, though, Emma jerked her chin towards Russell and Danny nodded slowly, got up, and cautiously approached him with hesitant steps.

“I’m sorry,” Russell whispered.  
“What for?” Danny’s voice was low. “None of this was your fault.”  
Russell swallowed. “But how can anyone believe that?”

Danny thought about his answer for a moment.

“Let’s put it like this,” he said then. “Of all scenarios you could have given us, why the fuck give us one that’s so ridiculously unbelievable that not even the yellow press would print it?”  
Russell hunched his shoulders.

“Apart from that...” Danny took one of Russell’s hands and increased the strength of his grip when Russell tried to withdraw it again. “You’re not a very good liar. I knew when you were lying and when you were just evading things. And just now... you weren’t lying. I have no idea how much that must have cost you. Trust me, I get why you couldn’t bring yourself to talk about it, but I’m glad as fuck you finally did. Because... honestly, it explains so much. But now you gotta believe me as well.”

Danny let go of Russell’s hand and stepped around him to look at his face. Russell stared at him in mute desolation.

“It changes nothing,” Danny said slowly. “It explains everything, but it changes nothing. A lot of things make sense now, and I’m as glad as you are you don’t have to lie anymore. But Russell, I swear it changes nothing. Finally knowing what the snag is doesn’t change what I feel. I’ve always known you weren’t telling me everything and that sometimes, you were lying. But I knew you had your reasons, and now that I know them... I know it wasn’t easy. I know why you didn’t talk about it. I knew there was something. But the fact that I finally know what it was... it doesn’t change who you are, right?”

“Not?” Russell’s voice was scratchy. “Are you fucking kidding me?”  
“No, I’m not.” Danny placed both hands onto Russell’s shoulders. “I won’t lie to you, Russ. It’s hard to swallow, all that. And maybe I will never truly get everything. But... you are who you are. So you’re the son of Bragi. You were that before, I just didn’t know it. You haven’t changed. I know something I didn’t know before, but you’re still the same person.”

“How...” Russell shook his head. “How can you talk like that? It’s... the whole world.... it’s not what you thought it was. How can...”

Danny let go of Russell’s shoulder and reached for his collar to pull out the Thor’s hammer pendant. 

“I guess I need some time to fully get my head around it,” he said with a crooked smile and let go of the pendant. “But... a part of me always wanted this to be true. It’s... yeah, it’s a bit scary, in one way. But in another way, it’s... strangely comforting. In a way... I could say you did me a favour.”  
“Comforting?” Russell croaked. “Favour?”

Danny shrugged and leaned forward; he moved his hands from Russell’s shoulders up to cradle his face.

“Do you know how many fucks I give about something that happened centuries ago and that is not your fault?”  
Russell was unable to answer.  
“You didn’t ask for any of this.”  
“Fuck no,” Russell blurted out.  
“It doesn’t change who you are.”  
“How can knowing that my past was a lie not change who I am?”  
“Because... because it made you the man you are today.”

They looked at each other in silence.

“My Russell,” Danny whispered and caressed Russell’s cheekbones with his thumbs. “And without Bragi’s blessing... that gift, that talent for music... without it, we wouldn’t be here today.”  
Russell swallowed and shook his head.  
“And maybe...” Danny went on. “Maybe now, that it’s no longer your dark and ugly secret, maybe you can... at one point... see something positive about this.”

Russell lowered his head and stared at his feet for a moment before looking up again. Then he lifted his right hand that had been curled into a fist the whole time. He opened it, and the ring in his hand had left a deep indentation in his palm from being clutched so tightly. Danny hesitated for a moment before he took it.

“I get where you’re coming from,” he said while looking at the ring. 

Then he took Russell’s left hand and put the ring back where it belonged.

Russell looked at him for no more than a second before he burst into tears. Danny threw his arms around him and pulled him close, and held him with one hand on Russell’s back and the other buried into the mass of golden curls until all the tears were spent. There were a lot of those, a lot of pent-up fear and anxiety, and it took Russell some time to finally get it all out of his system.

Once Russell had calmed down again somewhat, Danny slung an arm around Russell’s hip and guided him back to the blanket where Emma was still sitting. She watched them approach and kept looking at Russell, but he avoided her eyes.

Russell sunk into Danny’s embrace after they had sat down again and Emma sat up onto her knees. Russell looked finally up at her and tried to smile. 

“Hey.” Emma took both of his hands into hers and smiled. “I wanna be your priestess.”  
“I’m not a god.” Russell frowned and closed his eyes. “I can’t handle jokes about this right now.”  
Emma bit her lips. “I’m sorry, baby.” She leaned forward and dropped a kiss onto Russell’s forehead. 

The three of them remained like this for a long time, with Russell all but wedged in between Emma and Danny, but eventually Russell was able to let go again.

It was Emma who asked the first, hesitant question, and even though it was hard for Russell to answer, he managed eventually. It got easier from there, and they spent some time talking about the issue, hesitantly and cautiously, but talk they did. 

And even though Emma and Danny would need some time to come to grips with all that Russell had told them, and even though Russell would have to get used to the feeling of finally being able to confide in his two best friends, one of which was also his lover, the mood lightened considerably as they talked.

It was late in the night when the three parted ways and Russell and Danny headed back to Russell’s place for the night. 

When they made love that night the passion between them surpassed anything they had felt before, even though Danny treated Russell as if he was made from spun glass. Russell cried again in Danny’s arms afterwards, his face buried in Danny’s chest, but eventually he fell asleep listening to the strong and steady heartbeat under his cheek.

And against all fears and expectations, Russell’s sleep was free of nightmares that night.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Auckland Festival Pt 1

Russell spent the next day mostly in his room, trying to decide what he would pack for Norway and what he needed for the festival. Danny had left shortly after noon because he needed to pick up some camping gear he was borrowing from various family members, and Russell was left alone with his thoughts all over the place.

He had finally done it. He had been ready to accept the end of the world as he knew it. And it hadn’t happened. Danny hadn’t been mad, he hadn’t been angry, he hadn’t been scared, and he hadn’t told Russell to get a life. 

By the way things looked right now, Danny simply had accepted Russell’s desperate explanations as the truth. And nothing else really mattered, so Russell wouldn’t go questioning Danny and his decisions and his own luck.

He would have expected to feel as if a huge load had been lifted off his shoulders, but maybe he wasn't 'decompressed' yet, maybe his mind would need some time to process everything as well. But dwelling too much on all this got him nowhere, and they hadn't talked about it for the last time anyway, Danny had said so as well.

This was a huge thing, and they would have to talk about it again, Danny had said; with more peace, more time, more calmly and preferably with a drink. For now they had a festival to enjoy and then they would both have ample time to think and talk – albeit not in person until Russell would come back in June.

After shaking his head to dislodge these thoughts that kept coming back to buzz around his head like blowflies, Russell looked at the stack of clothes on the bed. 

Two pairs of old, black jeans, a few band T-shirts, two old flannel shirts and solid, waterproof hiking boots. Socks, briefs, deodorant and a hairbrush. He knew from experience that with the only plumbing available on the festival grounds being portaloos, any more toiletries would be a waste of space and his teeth would survive going unbrushed for two nights. He had a pack of dental care chewing gums and they would be drinking most of the time anyway.

He started to stuff everything into his backpack and in the end, went into the bathroom and packed a handful of flavoured condoms as well. He briefly eyed the regular condoms and the lube, but left those were they were. Even if tons of other people did it, he and Danny weren’t the type to have sex in a tent in the middle of a million other tents. To be honest, the sound of people fucking was almost mandatory for the acoustic backdrop of a festival camping ground, but that didn’t mean he and Danny had to contribute. A blowjob, however, could be done more or less discreetly and didn’t need as much space, either. A pack of wet wipes and a bottle of hand disinfectant gel, and he was all set.

Deciding that he needed some food despite not being really hungry Russell headed downstairs and opened the fridge, the content of which were rather uninspiring. He made himself a sandwich and a coffee and then decided he might as well do the grocery run. On his way to the car he texted his father and Seona so they wouldn’t shop on their way home too and headed for the shop, and he took the chance of buying some more stuff to take along to the festival. 

For some odd, inexplicable reason Danny had been somewhat wary around whiskey lately, and just for shits and giggles Russell bought a bottle of rum instead because it was on special offer. He added a few more six-packs of beer for good measure and then proceeded to shop for those things he had actually come for.

Russell was almost done unpacking everything when he heard a car in the driveway, and he quickly got a coffee started. He handed that to his father with a smile after the latter had put down his briefcase and Anders took it with a smile of his own.

“Thanks for shopping. I really couldn’t be arsed.”  
“It’s okay. I had to pick up some stuff for tomorrow anyway.”  
“Ah, right. Seona and me having the house to ourselves for a weekend. For a change.” Anders grinned at his son over the rim of his cup.  
“Too bad.” Russell took his own cup that the machine had just finished brewing and put it down on the kitchen counter. “The house could really do with another hoovering.”

Anders’s face froze, and Russell gave him a bright, toothy smile before he turned around to stow the last items away into the fridge. When he was done Anders had retreated to the table and pointedly not looked at his son.

Russell stopped himself from snickering and joined his father at the table.

“So.” Anders looked up at him again. “I’ve called everyone I could think of today, but I had no luck. I’m sorry, I really would’ve loved to help you.”  
Russell bit his lip and nodded slowly. “It’s okay, thanks anyway. It was worth a try.”

Anders patted his son’s arm in a weak gesture of comfort, and the two proceeded to have their coffee in silence. Shortly after Russell had supplied them with another cup, however, another car pulled into the driveway. Anders got up, started the kettle and got a cup and a tea bag ready. 

Russell watched his father in fond amusement; he was pretty sure Anders didn’t even do it consciously anymore. Every time he heard Seona come home he got a cup of tea going, and it warmed Russell’s heart to see his father care so much because it also meant someone else cared deeply for him. Sometimes he felt sorry that his father hadn’t met Seona years ago, but then he thought he might not have survived puberty with his father AND Seona as a step-mother on top of that. 

The door opened and Seona came in with a couple of shopping bags. It turned out her favourite charity shop was having a clearance sale and pinching the bridge of his nose, Anders headed over to see what ‘treasures’, ‘precious antiques’ and ‘lovely little things I couldn’t walk past’ she had dragged home this time. 

“I come bearing gifts!”  
“Yay.” Anders walked over. “What is it this time?”  
“Oh, just a few shirts,” she said as she cautiously put the bags down. “And maybe two or three pieces of... stuff.”

Anders lifted both eyebrows. He himself wouldn’t touch second-hand clothes with a ten foot pole, but Seona had no such reservations. And even if he liked the pristine and minimalistic style he lived in, all the small things and pictures Seona had bought had warmed up the place considerably. Because she never bought these things without brain. How she did it, Anders had no idea, but the mix of modern and antique that he had encountered in her flat in Edinburgh for the first time seemed to work in his own house as well.

“And a little present for my boys.”

With that, she cautiously took out a bundle of clothes from one of the bags that clearly were the wrapping for something else. She unfolded the shirts slowly and finally held a small bowl not much larger than a cup. It was clearly old, and it was also very clearly cracked. Shattered, more likely, but it had been put together again, and the cracks between the shards had been filled with what looked like gold.

“I had to think of you,” Seona said softly. “You ever heard of Kintsugi?”  
Russell cautiously took the small bowl and inspected it closer while shaking his head.

“It’s an old Japanese technique of pottery repair. They believed that a damaged item is not useless, and they put powdered gold into the lacquer they used for the repairs, because the damage and repair gave the item a history and in their eyes, made it stronger, and more beautiful.”  
Russell slowly looked up again.  
Seona smiled at him and gently patted Russell’s hand. “So... it’s a gift. For both of you. Kind of an engagement present, if you like.”

Russell felt his eyes burn a little and blinked a few times, but Seona’s trademark impish smile was back and she winked at him. Then she picked up her handbag from which she produced a padded brown envelope.

“Here,” she said as she handed it to Russell. “The perks of working for the press.”

Russell felt his heart begin to race as he hastily took the envelope. And inside were not one, but two backstage passes for Saturday evening. He looked at Seona again with a huge grin spreading on his face.

“These were the last ones available, I’m afraid.” Seona shrugged. “It’s Saturday evening, and it’s the last hour before they’re on stage, which means it’s during the supporting act. So you probably won’t be getting any good places for their actual gig.”  
“I can’t imagine Danny giving a lot of fucks if he gets to talk to them in person before that,” Russell said with barely suppressed joy. “Oh god... thank you! Thank you!”

He dropped the envelope and pulled Seona into a fierce hug. She laughed and hugged him right back.

“I hope you enjoy yourself, my bonnie wee barra,” she said with a chuckle. “And Danny too.”  
“Thank you.” Russell picked up the envelope and took a deep breath. “This is going to be the best festival ever.”

Seona winked, Russell winked back, and then he dashed upstairs to stow the envelope safely away in his backpack.

* * *

Russell was up at the crack of dawn and packed his car, and he couldn't stop grinning while thinking about the envelope. 

Danny was already carrying stuff down the stairs and depositing it on the sidewalk next to the fence when Russell arrived, and the two quickly shovelled all the camping gear into the boot of Russell's green estate. After a fist-bump, they got in the car and Russell headed down the southern motorway leading to the airport.

The Auckland Festival took place on the old airport grounds between the new airport and the quarry, which was the reason for their opening and closing ceremony being called Take-off and Touch-Down. The various areas were marked with windsocks and crew members and organisers didn't only wear T-shirts with their name and position but also aviator goggles (Most of them on their foreheads, though).

By the time Russell and Danny reached the camping grounds quite a few people had already started the party; there were always people who already showed up the night before to pitch their tents. Russ and Danny found themselves a promising spot and started to unload, strewing their gear around in a sufficiently large area to stake their claim so the others would have enough space to set up their tents in a cosy little neighbourhood.

Shortly after noon they were mostly settled. The Marshall brothers had arrived with two tents, with Jem and Colin in one and Mark and his girlfriend in the other. Jem, Russell and Danny weren't on exactly friendly terms yet, but proper apologies had been made and they mostly tried to pretend nothing had ever happened.

Matt and Craig shared a tent and Janice and Emma shared a tent as well, since Lucy had one with her boyfriend who had had the luck to be home from deployment for the festival. Crazy Craig and Lilly were there as well, and they came with a motherfucking army tent big enough for six people. The wisdom of that move was clear, however; since the cars had to be relocated to the car park Craig's tent became their base camp and storage unit. He had a home-built beer-cooler running on a car battery and was immediately declared a god among mortals.

Russell could feel Danny's eyes on him for a second, but he had to grin and Danny grinned back at him. 

Since open fires weren't allowed their little circle of tents was arranged around an open space with a gas barbecue, and after several blankets and folding chairs had been placed around it, their little settlement was ready and with the beer supply in Craig’s tent, declared sufficiently fortified.

Take-off was at five that afternoon, and after a celebratory beer or three the whole lot of them headed down towards the entrance of the festival grounds proper, got their wristbands and joined the party. The groups dispersed, parted and formed together again as people met other people and other friends, or when someone wanted to go to that gig and someone else to another. 

It was getting dark and Danny and Russell were just discussing if they should head back towards the camping ground or have a few more beers down here when someone yelled Danny’s name. 

The two turned around and saw a young woman come towards them. By the way Danny squared his shoulders Russell guessed that he knew that person, and wasn’t particularly happy to see her.

“Hey Carrie.”  
“Hey Danny!” She smiled narrowly at him. 

Russell looked cautiously back and forth between the two. She was pretty, and he had the feeling he had seen her before but he couldn’t for the life of him remember where or when.

“Long time no see,” Carrie said. “What’ve you been doing with yourself?”  
“I started uni,” Danny said slowly.  
“Wow. You really becoming a paramedic?”  
“Yep.”

A moment of silence followed in which Carrie mustered both Danny and Russell. 

“I guess you haven’t seen Sarah yet?” She asked then.  
Danny blinked a few times. “No, I haven’t. Why?”

Carrie bit her lips and looked uncomfortable for a moment. She looked at Russell again. Her smile was becoming more and more forced.

Finally, Danny took a deep breath. “Okay, spit it out. What is wrong with her?”  
Carrie opened her eyes impossibly wide. “Why? What on earth should be wrong with her? And why do you ask that now after almost three years?”  
“Carrie,” Danny said, a low hint of threatening in his voice. “What are you driving at?”  
“I’m just driving at that she’s looking for you and wants to talk to you.”  
“What the fuck would she want to talk to me about?”  
“Beats me why she wants to do it now.” Carrie crossed her arms. “After the way you dumped her for Goldilocks here.”

Russell crossed his arms with an angry snort.

“For fuck’s sake!” Danny took a step forward. “I didn’t dump her, we broke up because we both realised we didn’t want it anymore! And me and Russ happened more than eight months later!”  
Carrie sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. “Okay, okay, so you didn’t dump her. I still get why she never told you, though.”

Danny stared at her with narrowing eyes. “Told me what?”  
Carrie shrugged with an unhappy small smile. “That she was pregnant when you broke up.”

She let that sink for a moment, and Russell stepped a little closer to Danny whose face had lost all colour. 

“So,” Carrie went on. “She’s looking for you and you better man up, or it’s a paternity order in the post for you.” She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Last time I saw her she was at the B stage.”

Danny was frozen to the spot as he watched her go, and Russell was fuming. The bitch had no reason whatso-fucking-ever to talk to Danny like that. Unless, of course, she was just trying to take Danny for a ride.

“Come on, Danny,” he said. “You do not seriously believe her?”

Shaking his head slowly, as if to dislodge something from his ears, Danny took a step back.

“Oh for...” He whispered, then he spun around and ran.

“Fuck.” Russell cast a last, hateful look into the direction Carrie had vanished and followed Danny in a run. 

Russell caught up with him at the campsite, where Danny was sitting with his back to the nearest tree, knees pulled up and his arms slung around them. His face was ashen and he stared straight ahead.

“Hey.” Russell sat down next to him.  
“Dad is going to skin me alive,” Danny whispered tonelessly.  
“Nonsense.”  
Danny shook his head.  
“Danny.” Russell reached out, and since Danny didn’t move away, he ran a hand through Danny’s hair. “Come on. I’m positive she was only giving you shit...”  
“My life is over,” Danny whispered, but then he looked up. “If that’s true then... it’s fucking over. If she wants money then... fuck...” He swallowed hard. “I gotta drop out of uni and find myself a job. Fuck, Russ...”

Russell pressed his lips together an exhaled slowly through his nose. 

“That’s it,” Danny rasped and wiped the back of his hand across his eyes. “Shit...”  
Russell exhaled the rest of his breath in a huff, his mind suddenly clear again, and also made up. “No, it’s not. Even if... it’s not.”  
Danny slowly turned his head to look at him. “So?”  
“It’s not.” Russell took one of his hands. “So maybe you’re up shit creek without a paddle right now, maybe you’re not, but you’re not alone.”  
“And what...” Danny broke off with a gasp and covered both eyes with his other hand.

“Danny.” Russell got up and knelt before Danny, resting both hands on Danny’s knees. “You’re not going to lose your dream. I won’t let that happen. You’re not dropping out of uni.”  
Danny looked up and blinked the tears out of his eyes.  
“Maybe you’re right, it would be over. But me... I’ve got nothing to lose with dropping out for two years or how long it takes for you to finish. I can come back after that without probs. I’ll drop out, and I find myself a job, and I pay until you’re finished and have a job yourself. And then we swap.”

Danny stared at him with parted lips and widening eyes. “You can’t do that,” he whispered.  
“I can,” Russell said. “And I will. I will not let you and your dream go to pot because of this.”  
“But...”  
“No. No but.” Russell reached out and rested one hand on Danny’s cheek. “Danny. You said you will always have my back. Why do you think it would be any different for me? We get this sorted. Together.”

Danny shook his head, a heartbreaking smile on his face, and Russell quickly moved to his side again to sling both arms around him. Danny clamped both arms around Russell in turn and they remained like that, their backs against the tree and their heads leaning together, touching at the temples.

“And...” Danny began hesitantly after a long time. “And it... doesn’t it bother you? If I had a... a...”  
“A baby? Well... they’d be about two years old now, right? Uh... you know... honestly. No. I’m a guy, I would never be able to have your babies anyway and... honestly?”  
Danny tilted his head.  
“Honestly?” Russell smiled and bit his lip. “I think you’d be an awesome dad.”  
Danny huffed out a mirthless chuckle.  
“But seriously. The way she talked? I don’t believe one fucking word she said. But even if... no matter what, Danny. I have your back.”

Danny sighed and let his head drop back against the tree. “Fuck, she’d better be lying.”  
“I fucking bet she was.”  
“Don’t like that word anymore.”  
“Which one?” Russell looked at him.  
“Betting.”  
“In this case I am totally ready to bet my hair on that she was lying.”  
Danny snorted. “Don’t.”

Russell got up and held out a hand to Danny. “Come on. The act on the B stage should be over by now. Maybe we can find her. No use in dragging this out any longer.”  
“Right.” Danny let Russell give him a hand up. “Let’s get this over with.”

They looked at each other for a moment before Danny pulled Russell into a tight embrace.

“Thank you,” he whispered into Russell’s hair. “Thank you, I don’t know what...”  
“Shh. It’s okay. It’s okay.” Russell ran his fingers through Danny’s hair. “It will all be okay. We find her and then we sort this.”

After a moment Danny let go, took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. Russell took his hand, and hand in hand they walked down to the festival ground again and headed for the B stage area.

Both of them walked in a more or less zigzag pattern through the crowd that was just dispersing after the act, but it was Danny who spotted her. He closed his eyes for a second and then approached her.

“Sarah?”  
Sarah stopped and blinked in confusion, then she smiled when she realised who it was. “Hey, Danny!”

When Danny failed to smile, her smile vanished as well. At that point Russell had noticed that Danny had found her and hurried to his side. Sarah gestured at her two friends to go on without her and turned to Danny again.

“Hey Russ,” Sarah said cautiously and looked at Danny again. “Danny?”  
Danny straightened his back and cleared his throat. “Carried told me.”  
Sarah blinked once, like an owl. “Told you what?”

Danny froze with parted lips and narrowing eyes. 

Russell curled both hands into fists, anger mingling with relief. “The bloody cunt,” he said. “I knew she was lying.”  
“What?” Sarah looked back and forth between Russell who was fuming and Danny who looked as if you could knock him out with a feather. “Who?”  
“Carrie,” Russell said. “We ran into her earlier, and she said you... ah... that you were pregnant when you and Danny broke up.”

Now it was Sarah’s turn to look as if someone had hit her with a frying pan. “What?” 

For a moment all three of them just stared at each other, then both Sarah and Russell looked at Danny who shook his head.

“Oh god,” Sara said. “Oh god, Danny. Oh fuck... no. Just... no. What happened was that I was overdue, and I started to panic, and I bought a test and was too scared to use it, but then I got my period after all and threw it out unopened. Fuck... no. I wasn’t pregnant.” Her face darkened. “And Carrie better batten down the hatches because... fuck’s sake... I really don’t need any fucking rumours like that.”

She shook her head, then looked at Danny again. Her facial expression turned from anger to compassion and she stepped forward and pulled Danny into a hug. 

“Oh Danny... I’m sorry.”  
Danny closed his arms around her. “Fuck...” He muttered. “Fuck... Sarah...”  
“It’s okay.” Sara hugged him tighter and then let go of him and stepped back. “Sorry for the scare. I have no idea why the little bitch would do something like that.”

“She clearly wanted to get one over on Danny,” Russell said and gritted his teeth. “Maybe she’s jealous Danny fell for me and not for her after you broke up.”  
Danny emitted a derisive snort.  
“Hm,” Sarah said thoughtfully and shrugged. “I have no idea. But trust me, I will give her more than one piece of my mind next time I see her.”  
“So will I,” Russell said in what was almost a snarl. He was still fuming. 

Then he stepped closer to Danny and took one of his hands. “You okay?”  
After a deep, deep breath, Danny nodded. “I need a drink.”  
“Better make that two.” Russell squeezed his hand and looked at Sarah. “Okay. That happened.”  
Sarah shook her head and rolled her eyes, then she stepped closer and pecked a kiss onto Danny’s cheek. “Take care. Let Russ cheer you up.”  
Danny managed a smile. “Take care. Bye.”

Sarah left them to hurry after her friends and Russell looked at Danny again. “Come on,” he said and tugged at Danny’s arm. “Drink.”

Slowly and thoughtfully, they headed back for the campsite. But instead of settling down somewhere, Danny crawled into their tent and stretched out on his sleeping bag.

“Oh fuck,” he said slowly and drawn out.  
“Absolutely,” Russell said as he entered the tent with two cans of beer. “Beer?”  
“Fuck yeah. Sorry for keying myself up like that.”  
Russell wordlessly held one of the beers out to him.

They made short work of the beers rather quickly, and instead of getting another one, Russell quickly straddled Danny’s hips and pushed him onto his back.

Danny cocked one eyebrow but closed both eyes when Russell leaned forward and trailed a few kisses along the side of his neck followed by a few gentle nips.

“Russ?” Danny whispered huskily.  
“Distracting you.” Russell slid both hands under Danny’s T-shirt. “Can’t have you in a bad mood during the festival.”

Danny chuckled under his breath, but his chuckle quickly turned into a soft moan when Russell shifted his position and leaned over his abdomen. He lowered his head and mouthed and nuzzled Danny’s quickly hardening cock through the fabric of his jeans. 

After a moment, Russell reached for the first button, and Danny was very effectively distracted after that.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Auckland Festival Pt 2

In unspoken agreement they didn’t talk about last night’s incident, but they didn’t need to talk about the fact that if they would run into Carrie again, she was in for something. 

After wolfing down a quick (and late) breakfast of cheese sandwiches and orange juice Russell and Danny quickly headed down to the festival area again, and this time they took the time to browse the booths with the merchandise. As usual there was a lot of crap: esoteric knick-knack like incense sticks and polished gemstones, and cheap clothes that were a rip-off of expensive brands. There was one booth that sold hookahs and related equipment, there were tons of cheap and tasteless and cool and expensive jewellery, and several booths with band merchandise.

One of those had Danny and Russell in stitches; they sold metal band shirts and other stuff for kids. Small kids. Babies. Danny had a bib with the AC/DC logo in his hand and couldn't stop laughing.

The owner of the booth, [Metal Kids](http://www.metal-kids.com), was a middle-aged woman with black dreadlocks and several facial piercings, and she was grinning as hard as Russell was when Danny simply couldn't get over the baby clothes. 

“What size is that even?” He asked with an incredulous, snorting laughter, after picking up a baby bodysuit with the logo of Slayer.  
“Three to six months,” the stall owner replied with a grin. She had a heavy German accent. “Need that gift-wrapped?”  
“What?” Danny snorted again. “Fuck no! I was just...”  
Russell slung both arms around him. “We keep it in mind for... future reference,” he said and winked at the woman who laughed. 

“Here,” she said and handed them a small leaflet. “We’re based in Germany, but we have international delivery options.”  
“Great!” Russell folded the leaflet and pushed it into the back pocket of his jeans. “Too bad we don’t know anyone who’s about to procreate, this would be the perfect gift!”  
“Don’t be a stranger!” She said with a smile as Russ and Danny left. “We have a web shop and everything!”

Russell gave her a thumbs-up and they headed onward. 

The next stall caught Russell like a strawberry tart a wasp; they sold guitars and equipment. That was where they ran into Craig again for the first time after breakfast, too. He was staring wistfully at a display of electric bass guitars.

“You can never have enough, eh?” Russell said and nudged him in the ribs.  
Craig almost jumped out of his boots; he had neither seen nor heard Russell coming. “Fuck’s sake, don’t give me a heart attack!” But he grinned.  
“Need a new bass?”  
“No.” Craig shoved his hands into his pockets.” But I want one.” He pointed at one, and it took Russell a moment to realise why that particular bass looked so different than the others.

“Is that...”  
“Yup.”  
“Wow.” 

Danny, who had looked around rather aimlessly, now came over as well. “Hm?”  
“Craig wants a six-string.”  
“A what?”  
“A six-string.” Russell pointed at the bass guitars. “And not a guitar, a six-stringed bass.”  
“Huh.” Danny looked at the instrument, then at Craig. “I had no idea those exist.”  
Craig kept staring wistfully at the instrument. “Yeah, but they’re pretty rare.”  
“And pretty expensive, I guess.”  
“Fuck yes.”

Danny took a step forward, looked at the price tag and winced. Craig shrugged, and the three of them headed for the exit again when Russell’s eyes fell onto a brochure on the counter. It was of a company called [Hutchinson Guitar Concepts](http://www.hutchinsonguitars.com/), which sold custom-made and customized guitars. They had several styles like steel-clad or copper-topped, steampunk, cyperpunk, Mayan, Western and – of course – Viking.

Craig and Danny exchanged an amused glance behind Russell’s back, but Russell tore his eyes away from the picture of a Viking-themed eight-string called Sleipnir and stuffed the brochure into his pocket.

“So if you go up to eight, and Craig goes up to six,” Danny asked after they had left the tent. “Does that mean I get two new toms as well?”

Russ and Craig looked at him for a second of confusion before all three of them had to laugh. Russell slung one arm around Danny’s middle and one around Craig’s shoulders, and they headed back to their base camp to fortify themselves for the afternoon.

* * *

Sipping his beer, Russell watched and listened to Craig and Danny who were engaged in a very emotional and heated discussion about Deathwish while they got ready for the night. And even though he knew he couldn’t force everyone in his vicinity to be friends with each other had always wished for Craig and Danny to become a little closer. It was wishful thinking, of course, and while they got along well enough, left to their own devices they rarely talked to each other unprompted unless they had to. Both Danny and Craig got along famously with everyone else in the band, they just had never really warmed up to each other. Russell blamed himself for that; their first meeting hadn’t exactly happened under the best of circumstances.

Having them unite in grief however was the very last thing Russell had wished for. He closed his eyes and emptied the can of beer. Was that what a modern follower of Bragi would pray for? Please, Lord Bragi, don’t let my favourite band split up?

With a snort, Russell dropped the empty can into a bin bag. Maybe he had already had too much beer. Either that, or not nearly enough. He eyed Danny and Craig who were now discussing the fact that the youngest and cutest member of Deathwish with the biggest female fan base was their bassist. Danny coined the term ‘the Hottie on the bass’ and Craig threw a mock punch at Danny’s face.

The festival had five different stages called Hangar A to Hangar E, with Hangar A being the main stage for the biggest acts. And after listening to a few acts on the minor stages, the band and a few others were heading there with the crowd that had come here to watch Deathwish for the last time.

The envelope in his pocket was burning a hole into Russell's backside, but it was only twenty minutes left until the small window Seona had been able to get her hands on. 

“Right, uhm... Danny?”   
Danny slowed down and looked at him.  
“I got something for you.”  
Danny smiled and tilted his head. “And that is?”  
“Oh, it's... it's kind of a birthday present.”  
“Russ...” Danny shook his head. “I thought we don't do birthday presents?”

Russell took a deep breath. “No, we don't but... see, I thought this was a good idea, and it wouldn't necessarily have to be a birthday present, but seeing as I'm not here on your birthday...”  
“Russ...” Danny looked towards the stage and back at Russell again. “Does that have to be now? I mean, my birthday...”  
“If you get this on your birthday it'll be as useless as a white crayon,” Russell said and pulled the envelope out of his pocket.

Danny ran both hands through his hair. “Russ... I hate to be like this, but if we don't...”  
“I know. You want good places for the gig. Trust me... this is better.”

Danny frowned at him before looking at the others, one after another, but none of them were any wiser. He accepted the envelope and opened it while still casting hasty glances towards the stage and the crowds of people heading there.

But when Danny reached inside the envelope, his face froze. His mouth fell open when he pulled the two backstage passes out and his eyes widened to the point of no return.

“What...”

Russell bit his lips while barely suppressing a grin.

“Are you...” Danny swallowed. “Are you fucking serious?”  
“How does it look like?”

“What is it?” Emma asked, never one to reign in her curiosity.  
“Backstage passes,” Danny whispered and looked up at Russell again. “Where did you get those?”  
“I asked my dad, but it was Seona who got them. Perks of working for the press, she said.”

Danny stared at the passes again and suddenly emitted a whoop loud enough to make people within a radius of twenty meters turn around. 

“Shit shit shit...” He grabbed one and thrust the other out to Russell. “Fifteen minutes to go, come on!”

Russell took the pass and slipped the strap over his head. Danny took his hand, an impossibly wide grin on his face, and he was already tugging Russell along when the latter turned around again to wave at the other people.

It was then that he noticed Craig. He had turned around to look at the stage, hands shoved deeply into his pockets, and his face was set tight with the mouth a narrow line. He was blinking rapidly and was about to walk away when Russell realised what was going on. He tugged at Danny's hand to make him stop, and when Danny gave him a questioning look, Russell jerked his chin at Craig. 

After a second, Danny pressed his lips together, but when Russell let go of his hand it dawned on Danny what he planned to do. He smiled and nodded, and Russell approached Craig while slipping the strap of the backstage pass over his head again.

“Craig?”  
“Hm.” He didn't look at Russell but at the stage, though.  
“Hey.” Russell poked Craig's upper arm.   
Craig forced himself to turn around and face him. “What?”

Russell wordlessly held the backstage pass out to him.

Craig stared at it for a moment before he realised what he was seeing.

“Are you fucking serious?” He whispered.  
“Totally.” Russell held out the pass again. “I mean, don't get me wrong, I think they're pretty cool, but I'm not as bonkers about them as you and Danny are. So here. You two go and have the day of your life.”

Craig reached out for the pass with trembling fingers, and Russell felt a smile grow on his face when an incredulous grin appeared on Craig's.

“Come on, you lame!” Danny flicked his hand at him. “We're gonna be late!”

Craig finally awoke from his stupor; he slipped the pass over his head, pulled Russell into a rib-cracking bear hug and broke into a run after letting go again. He caught up with Danny and the two raced towards the tall metal fence that separated the festival grounds from the backstage area.

Russell watched them go and was very pleased with himself. Emma elbowed him gently in the ribs, and the two exchanged a grin.

* * *

The supporting act was a metal band as well, and despite no one having heard their name before, they were actually pretty good. And of course, in the milling of the huge crowd in front of the stage it was impossible to find each other, so Russell texted Danny once the concert was over. 

They eventually met back at the camp site where Craig and Danny were busily celebrating their evening with Deathwish songs Craig played on his phone with the volume cranked up to maximum, alternating between roaring along, head-banging and playing air guitar interspersed with sips of beer. 

When they caught sight of Russell, they both threw themselves at him with howls of joy. They seemed to have been celebrating for a while, but since they had been at the very back of the audience they had been the first to reach the camp ground.

“I see you had a good time,” Russell laughed as the two released him.  
“We had a fucking blast!” Craig yelled, and it took a bit getting used to, to see the usually calm and cool Craig so loud and hype. “And you know what? Alex was so happy to meet another bass man he let me play his baby!”   
Russell shook his head with a grin while Craig dug into his pocket.  
“And he gave me that!” It was a guitar pick. “Alex gave me one of his picks!”

Now Russell had to laugh, and the others who had arrived together with him as well. Craig and Danny were acting like boys who had had the best birthday party ever.

“But you know,” Danny said eagerly. “Jake was even happier. He said when it's not girls who have charmed their way past security it's always strings. Always guitars, bass, vocals. You should've seen his face when he said that!”

Danny and Craig looked at each other and burst out laughing.

“He gave Danny a pair of sticks and told him to show what he's got,” Craig went on. “Man, I didn't even know he could do all that! That man totally defies every law of physics!”  
Danny grinned sheepishly and took a hasty sip of beer.  
“And you know what?” Craig was unable to contain himself, and the others couldn't stop grinning. “He said drummers are rare and precious creatures and have to be cherished!”

Now everyone joined the laughter. 

“And know what else?” Craig seemed unstoppable. “Know what else?”  
“In fact, no,” Russell laughed. “What?”  
“Come on, Danny! Show him!”

The small, flustered smile still on his face, Danny reached inside his coat and produced a pair of drumsticks. At that, even Russell whooped in joy and dashed forward to embrace him. 

After some serious celebratory snogging that caused a few catcalls they parted again and once everyone had settled down again with beer, and the barbie was underway with a few midnight sausages, Craig and Danny took turns to tell what else had happened. 

Apparently, the guys from Deathwish had been intrigued by what Craig and Danny had told them about Jormungand, and had even listened to the small demo that Danny had recorded with his phone during a practice session. But even in their excitement, both of them had avoided any questions about the break-up. 

Danny was very clingy for the rest of the night, and when Russell crawled into their tent to find the bottle of rum in his backpack, Danny followed him inside and immediately pounced on him and pushed him down on one of the sleeping bags onto his back. 

Russell didn't get any time to complain before Danny went down on him, and with the greedy kisses Danny placed on his chest and abdomen after pushing up his T-shirt he didn't really have any breath left. 

Danny's intentions were clear, but a lot of alcohol had already taken its toll on Russell. Danny did what he could, and it certainly wasn't for the lack of enjoyment on Russell's part, but the more Danny tried the more they had to giggle, and laughing hysterically they eventually had to give up.

“What are you doing in there?” Emma yelled.  
“Nothing!” Russell yelled back while simultaneously, Danny yelled: “Not your business!”  
“Well are you done yet doing nothing?”  
“Not yet!” Danny snorted and tried not to laugh. “We're suffering from a bad case of brewer's droop here!”

Craig snorted beer out of his nose and Matt got his down the wrong way. Everyone was howling with laughter, apart from Matt who was coughing so hard his face turned red.

“A case of what?” Emma crossed her arms.

“Whiskey dick!” Danny yelled from the tent.   
“Mr Floppy is in the house!” Russell added, and the two burst out laughing again.

They crawled out of the tent again after Russell had sorted himself out again, but any more quipping was cut short when Russell presented the bottle of rum. Pirate lingo ensued, and the whole lot of them didn't bother to go to bed that night and partied until the sun came out again.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They cleared things up, but making a farewell is never easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I strongly recommend you do not listen to _I will be right here waiting for you_ by Richard Marx during the second half of the chapter, unless you want to hurt reading this as much as I did while writing it.

Bleary-eyed, slightly hung-over and dirty but with high spirits they had all parted ways that Sunday afternoon, and Russ had driven Danny and all the gear home again. He had then headed home himself and spent roughly half an hour in the shower before devouring a ridiculous amount of food.

He was just done making himself another coffee when he heard Danny’s car, and smiling to himself he made another one. Danny came with a strawberry tart and a banoffee pie, but when he saw Anders and Seona at the dining table he hesitated while Russell took the cakes and put them down on the kitchen counter. 

Anders and Seona both looked at him and Russell looked nervously back and forth between his boyfriend and his father.

After a moment however Danny unfroze, got rid of his boots and slowly sat down in the chair opposite of Anders who took a sip of coffee, and neither of the two said anything.

Anders put his cup down again. Danny stared at the tabletop. Nothing continued to happen for quite some time.

Eventually, Anders leaned back and crossed his arms.

“I gather Russ has given you the Talk.”  
Danny tore his eyes away from the table top. “Is that a thing in your family?”  
Anders exhaled an amused huff of breath and exchanged a look with Seona. “Yes and no. It was a secret of course. But Dawn knew. She found out back then, she was already with Ty at that point.” Then he sighed. “See, the kids were never supposed to know. And if I had had a choice about this, Russell still wouldn't know.”

Nodding slowly, Danny pressed his lips together. 

“And when we came home from Norway, Dawn had had a talk with Christine so I wouldn't have to lie to my best friend. And later, I told Seona because I didn't want to lie to my wife, either.”

“I totally get that,” Danny said in a low voice. “It must have been a shock for him. I mean... it was. He told me.”  
“Yes.” Anders sighed again. “We all went through that on our twenty-first birthday.”  
Danny shook his head.  
“I know it's hard to take in.” Anders reached out and touched Danny's forearm. “And I'm sorry you're...”  
“It's a billion times better this way,” Danny interrupted him. “I knew all along Russ wasn't telling me everything, and that sometimes, he was lying. I knew he had a reason for that, so I never asked. This... this was the last thing I would've suspected, though.”

At that point Russell joined them with the coffee for him and Danny. Danny took his cup and bit his lower lip. When he looked up again, his face was set in determination.

“It changes nothing, though. It doesn't change a fucking thing between us.”  
“I wouldn't have expected anything else.” Anders looked at his son and back at Danny. “I told Seona she could back out of the engagement when I told her.”  
Danny chuckled mirthlessly. “Yeah, Russ tried to give me back his ring.”

Russell hunched his shoulders a little. “I'm sorry I had so little faith in you.”  
“Come on.” Danny took one of his hands and entwined their fingers. “I can't say I wouldn't have done the same if I'd been in your shoes.”

At that, Russell gave him a hesitant smile. Danny smiled back, lifted their hands and kissed Russell's knuckles.

“I told him...” Danny took a deep breath and looked at Anders again. “I told him that because him being the... the son of Bragi we're here today. When we met, you know? At the festival. When he said he wanted to go there through the stage door one day, and one of my mates asked if he had a band and he said not yet. We kind of joked about it and he said he's guitar, and then I said I'm drums... like, it was more of a joke.” He smiled at Russell. “But then this gorgeous guy with that gorgeous smile just asks me if we should set up a band together, and I say deal, and we do a bro-fist... and here we are.”

Anders and Seona exchanged a fond smile and then Seona gave Danny and Russell a broad grin.

“So it wasn't all bad,” she said.

Everyone looked at Russell who shrugged. “I could've done without so many giants, though.”  
Anders reached out and took his other hand. “We all do.”  
“I don't really like thinking of it.”  
“Of course not. But I guess at one point you and Danny will have to talk about this.”

Danny kissed Russell's knuckles again. “We let that settle. We can skype when you're in Norway, and we can talk really again once you're here.”  
Russell nodded and finally looked at Danny's face again. “So...” he smiled hesitantly. “I guess you can go ahead and worship the old gods, after all.”

Anders's cup came to a halt halfway up to his mouth. Danny grinned crookedly and pulled out the Thor's hammer pendant again. 

“I kind of... I always... sort of wanted this to be true. I mean... my parents are rather Christian, you know? So me wearing this was more or less just being rebellious again. But then I started thinking about it and yeah...” He shrugged. “I mean... My parents would throw a fit if they heard that but... you know, I can do without a supposedly almighty god who watches millions of people die in pointless wars and lets small kids die of cancer. So either he's not almighty or he's a totally indifferent asshole, and in both cases there's no point in praying to him.”  
Anders inclined his head and saluted Danny with his cup.

“So.” Danny fiddled with his pendant. “Maybe I won't start praying now...”  
“Believe me, they don't give a shit,” Anders cut in.  
Danny shrugged. “Maybe not. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that the whole 'Pagan-gods-being-real' thing doesn't scare me.”

“And isn't that all that matters,” Seona said firmly. “I mean, this coming from a woman whose grandmother made herbal charms is maybe not saying much but eh...” She shrugged. “We're all united in this merry little bubble of paganism.”  
“Don't say that to Christine.”  
“Is she a Christian?”  
“No.” Anders grinned. “She doesn't like the concept of religion as such.”  
“Say...” Seona began thoughtfully. “If Christine knows, does Emma know too?”

“She does now,” Russell said and rolled his shoulders.

Both Anders and Seona looked at him, and while Seona nodded in satisfaction, Anders shook his head.

“Mike will have a conniption or two when he finds out that we're merrily sharing the old, dark and mysterious family secret,” Anders said drily.  
“Well tough luck,” Danny said darkly. “I'm sure glad as fuck Russ doesn't have to lie anymore, and he's probably even gladder.”  
“You bet,” Russell muttered.

“Well.” Anders looked at Seona and back at Danny. “Mike lied to his own wife for fifteen years. He never told her the truth.”  
“And I'm sure it made him feel great.”  
Anders emitted a derisive little snort. “It made him feel like shit. But he was convinced it was better that way.”

A few seconds of silence followed before Seona looked at Russell.

“How did Emma take it, then?”  
Russell grinned crookedly. “She said she wants to be my priestess.”

Seona threw her head back and laughed. “Fuck, I said the same thing to your dad!”  
Anders shrugged with a small grin.  
“And you know,” Seona went on and looked at Danny. “Gods need to be worshipped, right?”

“I'm not a god!” Russell yelled with reddening ears.  
Danny looked at him. “I still worship the ground you walk on,” he said with a pointedly lovesick smile.  
Russell slapped his shoulder, now also with reddening cheeks.

“That's the spirit,” Seona laughed and got up. She walked over to the kitchen counter to fetch the cakes and put them on the table. “Now it's time for some ritual sacrifices.”  
“Oh great.” Anders rubbed his hands. “Though I probably won't manage two cakes in one sitting.”  
“Who said I'd sacrifice a whole cake to you?” Seona headed for the kitchen again to get some plates and cake forks.  
“Do I need to smite you?”   
Seona lowered her eyelids. “You can try,” she purred.

“We should go upstairs,” Danny said.

Seona came back with the plates and smiled at her husband. “We might stop worshipping you if you don't share your bounty with your loyal followers.”  
“In that case I'm feeling generous today.”

She smiled sweetly at him and began cutting the cakes while Danny got up to make more coffee. 

They settled down again and proceeded to enjoy their cakes, coffee and tea before Russell and Danny left again.

They had planned a nice quiet cookout over at Craig's place and subsequently a nice, quiet evening together as a more personal farewell party for Russell. But since they all were still somewhat beat from the festival they ended it shortly after eleven, and once back in Godden Crescent and in Russell’s room, both Russell and Danny fell straight asleep.

Since Anders and Seona had to go to work the two had the house to themselves the next morning and after some serious breakfast, they retreated back into Russell’s room with two cups of coffee. 

After snuggling up in bed, Danny buried one hand into Russell’s hair and kissed his forehead. 

“Still feel like not going,” Russell mumbled into the skin of Danny’s shoulder.  
“I’m pretty sure just staying would make you feel like shit, though.”  
“But I’d have you to feel shit together with.” Russell gave Danny’s shoulder a playful nip.

Danny chuckled and pulled him close. “It’s only five months. Not even half a year.”  
“Don’t pretend it doesn’t bother you,” Russell said and propped himself up on one elbow.  
“Of course it does,” Danny replied with a frown. “I’m just trying to... to not make it worse.”

Russell closed his eyes with a sigh and settled down again. He trailed one hand across Danny’s chest and sighed. 

“I miss you already.”  
“I’m still here,” Danny said gently and nuzzled Russell’s curls. “And we got today, and we got tonight. Better make it count.”

Russell slowed the movement of his hand and lingered with his fingers on Danny’s right nipple. He circled his finger around it and Danny exhaled slowly as he took it between thumb and forefinger. Then Russell let go, rolled on top of him and claimed Danny’s lips in a hungry kiss. 

It was a good thing they were alone in the house, and they took full advantage of it.

* * *

Upon request, Anders made a moussaka that evening for dinner. Russ and Danny had spent most of the day in bed and only left the bedroom shortly before Anders and Seona had come home, but they gave Anders a hand with making dinner. 

They went to bed shortly after they had finished their meal, and Anders didn't feel the need to make any jokes about pillows and thus had no need to restrain himself. 

After closing the door to his room behind him, Russell sat down on the bed and lit the lamp on the bedside table where the small bowl stood. He had more or less forgotten about it in the excitement of the last days, but now he picked it up as Danny sat down beside him. 

“A Kintsugi bowl?”  
Russell looked up, one corner of his mouth twitching. “You actually know what that is?”  
Danny nodded. “Though I have never seen one for real.”  
Russell handed him the bowl and Danny took it cautiously. “It's beautiful.”  
“It is. Where did you get it?”  
“Seona found it in a charity shop,” Russell replied. “She said she had to think of us and that it is a... a sort of engagement present.”

Danny smiled and carefully turned the bowl over in his hands. The symbolism behind the act did not escape him, and he handed the bowl back to Russell with a soft smile. 

“Take good care of that,” he said.  
“You know...” Russell began. “I'd rather... I mean, you could take care of it while I'm away.”  
“I can do that,” Danny said softly. “It can sit on my desk next to the stone.”  
“Stone?”  
“Dude...” Danny brushed a strand of hair behind his ear. “The one you gave me at the beach back then.”  
“Oh.” Russell swallowed, bit his lip and managed a smile. “That stone.”

They simultaneously leaned in towards each other until their foreheads touched. 

“You know,” Russell said thoughtfully after a moment. “You could put your stone there. In the bowl, I mean.” He paused for a moment. “Actually, we could both do that.”  
“That... that sounds like a good idea.” Danny leaned back again. “Feels right, for some reason.”

Russell smiled and then turned around to open the top drawer of the bedside table, and with his hand closed around the stone he took the bowl from Danny and put it down next to the lamp again. He put the stone inside and watched it rock back and forth until it lay still. 

“I'll put mine there too,” Danny said as he closed both arms around him. “And we can take turns in taking care of them until we can move in together.”  
Russell closed his eyes. “Whenever that will happen.”  
“But it will happen.” Danny kissed the side of Russell's neck. “Someday.”

Russell turned his head to look at him, and Danny leaned forward and kissed his lips. Russell sat up on his knees to face him, and after closing their arms around each other, they let themselves sink back onto the bed. 

After some soft and passionate kisses they snuggled up together and Danny took Russell's left hand, running his thumb over the ring as he lifted it to look at it.

“You know,” he said slowly. “I've been thinking. And if you're okay with it, then we make this official once you're back from Norway.”  
“What do you mean if I'm okay with it?” Russell turned his head to look at him. “Of course I'm okay with it, you oaf.”  
“I know. I just didn't want to decide this over your head, you know?”  
Russell kissed his cheek and snuggled closer. “I'm looking forward to it.”  
Danny kissed Russell's temple and pulled him closer. “So do I, actually.”

They didn't have any more sex that night, and with Danny as the big spoon and Russ as the little one they eventually fell asleep.

* * *

Russ and Danny started the next day in silence; they got out of bed, got dressed, took turns in using the bathroom and headed downstairs without exchanging a single word. Anders and Seona had taken the day off to accompany Russell to the airport and say goodbye, and they had made some effort with the breakfast table that was laid for four. After a single, fruitless attempt of lightening up the mood Anders gave up however and let the two have their silence.

They didn't have much time afterwards, but even when Russell had stowed away his large backpack and the heavy trolley suitcase together with a large shoulder bag into the boot of Danny's car, the two still hadn't said a word to each other and they were silent on their way to the airport. 

The whole Johnson clan as well as Emma and Christine were gathered at the airport to see Russell off, and the whole lot of them accompanied him into the hangar, yet only Danny came along until they had reached the check-in area. 

“Right,” Russell said hoarsely. “This is us, then...”

Danny swallowed hard and took a step forward. He took both of Russell's hands in his and entwined their fingers before stepping closer. They leaned their foreheads together.

“Text me when you're there,” Danny whispered.  
“I will,” Russell whispered back, his voice as thick as Danny's. “Shit...” He tore one of his hands away and wiped it across his eyes. “Danny... I'm gonna miss you like fuck.”  
Danny pulled him close and buried his face in Russell's hair. “I'm gonna miss you like fuck, too,” he said. “But it's not forever.”  
“I know,” Russell muttered into his shoulder.

After a moment, Danny stepped back and nodded. “Okay.” He took a deep breath. “Safe travels, Russ.”  
Russell nodded mutely.  
“You need to go,” Danny said gently.  
Russell closed his eyes for a second and when he opened them again, they were brimming with tears that he desperately tried not to shed. “You gotta go first,” he said in a scratchy whisper.

Danny licked his lips and nodded while he took a step back. He took another one and turned away. “Bye,” he said over his shoulder, then he turned around and walked away in fast, almost hasty steps while wiping the back of his hand across his eyes.

Russell watched him go, his dark hair flowing down his shoulders and the black leather coat swinging around his legs, and the next time he blinked, the tears finally spilled over. He watched Danny until he vanished around a corner and out of sight before he was finally able to shoulder his backpack. He slung the bag over one shoulder and took the handle of the suitcase. 

Then he cast another look over his shoulder but Danny was gone, and taking a deep breath, Russell turned around and headed for the check-in.

* * *

Back home, Danny made himself a coffee and sat down at the dining table, staring at his phone for a moment before he shook his head. It would be more than thirty hours before he would get a text from Russell, and he was already staring at his phone waiting for it to beep.

He made another coffee after he had finished the first one and headed for his room, and spent the rest of the day lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling while listening to Def Leppard, and he first left this room again when he could smell dinner. He wasn't actually hungry, but he knew he should eat something as his last meal had been breakfast. He sat down at the table and stared at the wood grain.

Someone stepped behind him, and he felt the hand of his mother on his shoulder. 

“You are going to miss him, hm?”  
“I miss him already,” Danny said in a low voice.  
“And are you sure your relationship is going to survive this?” She asked while sitting down next to him.  
“I never tried long distance relationship before,” Danny said. “But this... us, I mean... Russ and me, it's not just gonna end like this. And you know...” He finally looked up at her. “We're two separate persons, he has to do his own thing and we can't spend every minute of our lives together anyway.”

His mother smiled softly at him. “Your father and I spent almost all of our free time together.”  
“Yes, but you're married.”

Danny's mother very slowly and very pointedly lifted both eyebrows, but even though she only looked at his face and didn't say a word, Danny had to suppress the urge to hide his left hand. Sure, she probably had noticed he wasn't wearing Nana's ring anymore, but that didn't mean she had caught on. Apart from that, Russell had always made sure to wear the ring with the stone not visible so she should have no idea he had given the ring to Russ. 

His mother still didn't say anything, but Danny couldn't meet her eyes anymore and took a large gulp of coffee.

His father finally looked up from his tablet on which he was working on a Sudoku. “When is he coming back?”  
“June.”  
“That's a long time.”   
“I know.”  
His father looked at him for another moment before focussing on his tablet again.

Danny ate without enjoyment and went to bed early, but he couldn't find rest. It was when he was up to use the bathroom, long after midnight, that he remembered the bowl and he hastily grabbed his car keys, tip-toed downstairs and outside to get the bowl that was sitting wrapped in layers of newspaper on the passenger seat.

Once upstairs in his room again Danny sat down at his desk and picked up the small red stone that Russell had given him as a symbol of forgiveness. It already felt like a lifetime ago when in fact, it had only been four months.

Danny cautiously put the stone into the bowl next to the green one and spent a lot of time watching the two stones rest side by side in the bowl, the cracks of which had been put together again with a lot of craftsmanship and love. 

Eventually he placed the bowl on the desk again, back where the desk met the wall, so there was no chance it would ever fall down. He then went to bed again and picked up his phone, but it was barely fourteen hours since Russell had left and it would be almost twenty hours more before he would hear from him. So he browsed through the photos he had taken during the festival, and smiled at the pictures of Russell through his tears.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jetlag one one side of the world and a birthday on the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The facial reference](http://lakritzwolf.tumblr.com/MtW_Cast) list has been updated and now contains Lucy, Janice and the Marshall brothers as well as crazy Craig and his girlfriend Lilly. (May contain celebrities, I don't care about names, I only look at faces)
> 
> Thanks to oursolitaire over on tumblr for the photoedit. Go check her AO3 [dandelionpower](http://archiveofourown.org/users/dandelionpower) if you want some awesome writing!

Dragging himself out of the plane and through check-out in Oslo, Russell asked himself what had possessed him to do the long-haul flight experience again. He was stiff and sore and dead tired, and on top of everything, the food on the plane hadn’t agreed with his digestive tract. Not wanting to fart like an ox in the plane and in the check-out queue had now also given him cramps, so when he finally managed to lock the door of the toilet stall behind him he was so relieved he almost cried. He took more than half an hour and felt sorry for whoever would have the misfortune of going in there next.

“So, here we are again,” he muttered to himself while sitting down on a bench with the most expensive coffee he had ever bought, paper cup or otherwise. He stretched out his legs and contemplated walking back home in June, and maybe take a ship in between.

After a few sips of coffee that had the decency to be decent, Russell took out his phone and texted Danny who immediately called him back. They spent some time chatting with Russell complaining about the flight and the food, and Danny just kept on saying he wanted to hug him. Both of them were reluctant to end the call but it couldn’t be helped.

Russell spent some time after the call sipping his coffee and staring at his ring, trying to ignore the burning in his eyes. The middle-aged lady who had been sitting next to him on the plane had been friendly and very tactfully ignored his tears while offering him to swap their places so he could have the window seat, and he had spent most of the time on his way to Dubai staring at the clouds and asking himself a hundred times per hour if this really was a good idea.

When he had started to plan all this and imagined it almost three years ago, a boyfriend hadn’t been part of the equation. He had been looking forward to this with every fibre of his being, and now he just wanted to crawl back into Danny’s embrace and sleep there for a year. 

He wondered if this was healthy behaviour and if he wasn’t clinging to that man too much. After all, Danny was right and he was still his own person; so maybe doing this thing and reminding himself of it was a good idea. He couldn’t spend every minute of his life with this man anyway. He shouldn’t have to. He was his own person and he wanted and needed a bit of personal space without his boyfriend.

Somewhere deep in his mind, a tiny voice screamed at him. _Liar, liar, pants on fire!_

Russell closed his eyes with a small groan. He was kidding no one, least of all himself. 

After throwing the empty paper cup into the nearest bin Russell sat down again, took a deep breath and took his phone again. He wasn’t the only student who had chosen the semester abroad, the others being a trio of girls Russell didn’t know well. Still, they had exchanged numbers and now Russell called one of them to let them know he was at the airport. He got directions at which station they would meet, and went to find himself a train. 

All three were there to greet Russell when he got off the train and accompanied him to the hostel. 

“So,” Lara said after they had entered the reception area. She was a petite, pretty brunette with a bright smile. “Apparently there was a misunderstanding with the booking, and they threw all four of us together in a mixed dorm.”  
Russell smiled at her. “I’m not fussed about that.”

He checked in, and they headed upstairs into a four bed dorm where Russell dropped his shoulder bag onto the last free bed, a bottom bunk, thankfully. He had just plugged in his phone charger into the adapter when Amy, who had crawled into the bunk on top of him, hung her head over the edge of her bed, letting a load of dark chestnut waves hang down. 

“And you don’t have a girlfriend?”  
“No.” Russell smiled up at her and stretched his arms while arching his back. “And I don’t think my boyfriend has a problem with me sharing a dorm with three girls.”

Now the third of them, whose name Russell had forgotten, laughed and grinned at Lara while brushing her dark blonde bangs from her face. “See, I told you he was gay!”  
“Yes, your virtue is totally safe from me,” Russell said with a grin.

Now all four of them laughed and Amy hopped down the stairs again. “Do you snore?”  
“Danny hasn’t complained, so I guess not.”  
“Your boyfriend?” The blonde asked.  
Lara rolled her eyes. “Rachel... who else would regularly sleep together with him?”

Russell was still grinning, though; they all seemed to fit in pretty well with each other. After Russell had taken a shower and changed, the four left the hostel to find a place to have lunch. Since the other three had already been here for a few days they could point out a few decent and affordable takeaways, a cash machine and a few shops, and they had already figured out public transport, too. Paying the bill, Russell was reminded again of how expensive Norway in general and Oslo in particular was; he would have to keep an eye on his budget but the hostel had a well-equipped kitchen, at least. 

Since it was Wednesday and uni started first on Monday he had some days to adjust and get over the jet lag, but so far he had had a good start. Russell felt somewhat better about the whole thing when he went to bed that night, even if he spent some time after switching off the lights staring at his phone and the pictures of Danny.

* * *

The rest of January had dragged on feeling like old chewing gum, and when he couldn't hang out with his mates or his friends of the band, Danny busied himself with going over his notes and re-reading papers and books. He was very much looking forward for the next term to begin so he wouldn't have that much time to kill anymore.

When uni finally started again he threw himself into it even more than last year and buried himself in books and papers just to have something else to think about, even if after three weeks the worst of the pining had abated. He wasn't particularly looking forward to his birthday, though. 

Said birthday was on a Friday that year, and when he came home that day the house smelled of coffee and cake. His aunt Lara was there with her husband, and his uncle Ed as well, both siblings of his mother as his father was an only child just like his son. His cousin Emily was there too, which surprised him a little since they weren't really close. But maybe his parents had invited her as she was newly-wed, to show him how blissful matrimony was if you just married the right gender. And even if he was probably doing them wrong, he wouldn't put it past them, either. 

Danny hadn't gotten any birthday presents other than money for years, so he was a little surprised when his mother left the room to 'get his gift’ which turned out to be a fine, black shirt and a dark grey jacket. Danny tried not to look suspiciously at his mother. 

“You know,” she said with an almost apologetic smile. “I thought you could use that in the near future, for a job interview.”  
That was something Danny could appreciate. “Thank you.” He tried the jacket on and it fit him perfectly, even if it felt fucking weird to wear something formal like that. Despite that, he could smile at his mother. “Thanks, Mum. It’s great.”  
“I'm glad you like it,” she replied with a gentle smile. 

They had coffee and cake afterwards, and a roast chicken for dinner, but Danny was as relieved as he was glad when the whole clan had finally left and he could go to bed. 

His phone rang just as he was about to switch off the light. It was Russell, and in his haste to get the call he almost dropped his phone. Christ, he was pathetic.

“Hey Russ!”  
 _“Hey Danny! Happy birthday!”_  
“Thanks.” Danny settled back into his pillow. “How are you doing up there?”  
 _“Not bad. Though my new linguistics professor looks and talks like you had just thawed him from a 200 year cryostasis.”_  
Danny chuckled. “And you actually manage to stay awake during lectures?”  
 _“So far I had only one,”_ Russell said. _“But it was a near thing, I can tell you.”_

They both chuckled, and then fell silent.

_“So,”_ Russell said after a moment. _“Had a good birthday?”_  
“Not yet.” Danny adjusted his position. “Just had some family over for coffee and dinner. Looking forward to tomorrow, though.”  
 _“Right. A proper party.”_

His friends had decided to throw Danny a proper birthday party at Craig's and Matt's house. Matt had moved in with him when one of Craig's two house mates had moved out to live with his girlfriend, and the house had more or less turned into the band's HQ after that. (Tim, the other housemate, had resigned to his fate and declared himself their roadie.)

“There's gonna be a Russell-shaped hole at that party,” Danny said in a low voice.  
 _“I know.”_ Russell sighed. _“I wish I could be there, but we can have a party once I'm back. And after all I got you a present.”_  
“Yes, Emma was here in her lunch break, but I wasn’t home yet. I have it here, I wanted to open it with you around, actually.”  
 _“I don’t have much time right now but sure, why not. Hang on!”_

Russell ended the call and Danny hastily started his laptop on the desk. He sat down and got the present ready. It was somewhere between A4 and A5 in size, but if it was a book it had only a handful of pages. 

Moments later Russell called via Skype and Danny answered with video.

“Hey!” Russell smiled brightly at him, a concrete wall behind him. “I got a lecture soon so I’m sitting in a corner of the hallway on the floor and people are giving me funny looks.”

Danny winked at him and began to pick the paper apart. Inside was a folder made from dark cardboard, embossed with the name of a photo studio. He looked up at the screen with raised eyebrows.

“You know,” Russell said almost apologetically. “When we talked about pictures… I mean, I know it was a joke that you need a picture of me to not forget my face, but then I thought why not, so…”

Shaking his head with a fond smile Danny opened the folder and looked at a beautiful portrait of Russell, and it captured his very essence. The photographer definitely knew her job.

“Wow,” Danny whispered. “That’s awesome.”  
Russell smiled and lowered his eyes while biting his lips. “I know. She did a pretty good job. But there’s another one.”

Still smiling Danny turned the page on which the photo sat in a cardboard frame and froze. 

That was another picture of Russell, black and white this time, and he was sitting on what looked like a bed wearing... his guitar. And nothing else.

It was the black guitar which wasn’t Russell’s favourite, but it was Danny’s and Russell knew that well. He was giving Danny a dark come-hither look and was also giving him the horns and yet, while the picture clearly revealed that he wasn’t wearing a stitch of clothing, the guitar was so strategically positioned that you couldn’t actually _see anything._

It was the most erotic picture Danny had ever seen and he stared at it with parted lips and a racing heart. 

“I actually just wanted to have a pic of me and the guitar,” Russell began, tearing Danny out of his stupor. “But then I mentioned it was for my boyfriend, and she asked if I would like to go for something more… emotional, she called it, and then we talked about it for a while and in the end I decided to give it a shot.” He gave Danny a lopsided smile. “I first went for lying on my stomach but that looked so cliché, and then we talked some more, and I tried this just for shits and giggles. I quite like it, and I thought you’d probably like it even more.”

Danny couldn’t tear his eyes off the picture and could only shake his head. 

“Uh… don’t you like it?” Russell asked, a trace of nervousness in his voice.  
“What?” Danny shook his head like a wet dog. “No! I mean… fuck... yes! It’s...” He faltered. “It’s awesome,” he went on in a low voice. “God… it’s fucking awesome. It’s… it’s beautiful.” Then he looked up with his eyes misting over. “Just like you.”

Russell was visibly relieved and his smile was back. “I mean, you probably can’t put it up on your wall, so…”  
“It’s my fucking room and I can put anything up on my fucking wall that I want.” Danny looked at the picture again. “I do the cleaning myself in here and my mum has no reason whatsoever to come in here, and if she does, then it’s her own fault.” He looked up at Russell. “Unless you don’t want me to, just in case. I totally get if you don’t want to take any chances with my mum seeing you like this.”  
“You know what?” Russell leaned back against the wall. “You do with it whatever you want. I got nothing to hide.”

Danny shook his head with a smile and closed the small cardboard booklet again. “It’s amazing, Russ. You’re amazing. Thank you.”  
“I’m so glad you like it,” Russell said with a bright-eyed smile. “I really…”

Someone called Russell's name in the background somewhere. Russell looked up and past the screen.

“Shit, my lecture! Gotta go, take care, okay? Miss you.”  
Danny nodded. “Miss you too.”  
“Hey, January is over already and half of February too.” Russell tried to sound encouraging, but didn’t quite succeed.   
“I know.” Danny closed his eyes. “I try not to keep a tally of the days.”  
“Don't. I am resisting doing that too.” He looked up again. “Right, sorry, I gotta run. Take care!”  
“Bye. Take care.”

Danny shut the laptop, went back to bed and switched off the light. He turned around with a sigh and tried not to think too much of the picture. It was awesome, and it gave him a fluttery stomach and a racing heart, as if he had just fallen in love. 

Maybe he had. Maybe he could just fall in love with that man over and over again. He turned around and closed his eyes, a smile on his lips. He sure didn’t mind that.

* * *

Danny was over at Craig's and Matt's shortly after noon, and Emma was already there as well. There were cakes in the oven and together they prepared food and drinks and snacks. The first people arrived around five, and at around eight that evening the party was well underway with the last guests having arrived. 

At that point Craig suddenly switched off the music and told everyone to shut the fuck up. 

“Okay!” Matt said and grinned at Danny. “We passed a hat and got you a present, birthday boy.”  
“Come on.” Danny shook his head and rolled his eyes. “I don’t want birthday presents.”  
“You come on, yourself,” Matt gave back brightly. “You'll like this one.”

Danny cocked one eyebrow and crossed his arms.

Then Matt pulled his phone out of his pocket. “How about we get Russ, too?”  
“Good idea!” Emma clapped her hands. “Go!”

Matt was already holding his phone to his ear on his way to his room, and when he came back, he was carrying his laptop. He had Russ on speaker as he picked up.

_“Matt, what the fuck?”_  
“Morning, sunshine!” Matt singsonged. “It is morning up there, right?”  
 _“It is, it's fucking eight o'clock on a fucking Saturday morning and I'm in a four bed dorm, so I'm not exactly popular right now.”_ Russell yawned. _“What the fuck do you want?”_  
“Get on Skype, sleepyhead. We have a birthday party going on here!”  
 _“Oh for fuck's sake,”_ Russell muttered and ended the call. 

Matt frowned at his phone, slipped it into his pocket again and set up the laptop on a chair, then started Skype. He positioned the chair so all people gathered around the sofas could see it. 

“This may take a while,” Matt said while adjusting his glasses. “I'd suggest you all get yourself another drink.”

Ten minutes later, Matt got an incoming call and Russell was greeted by cheers and waves when his face appeared on the screen. Craig and Matt exchanged a nod, and Craig vanished into his room.

“Hey everyone!” Russell smiled and waved back. “Sorry, I had to put on pants, go down into the lounge and make myself a coffee.”  
“You're excused.” Matt grinned. “We thought you should see Danny's gift!”  
“Danny's gift?” Russell craned his neck to find Danny who shrugged. “What gift?”  
“We passed a hat,” Matt explained. 

“Tadaa!” Emma yelled as Craig emerged from his room again.

Danny turned around and his jaw dropped. 

Grinning like an idiot Craig was carrying a large, beautifully carved [djembe](https://static.wixstatic.com/media/98ce36_ba8d7da699be408793df40db3268437f~mv2.jpeg/v1/fill/w_482,h_723,al_c,q_90,usm_0.66_1.00_0.01/98ce36_ba8d7da699be408793df40db3268437f~mv2.jpeg) and put it down in front of Danny with a flourish.

“Since you can't bring your drum kit to parties,” Matt said with a broad grin.

Danny was at a loss for words, even as his friends closed in on him for hugs and back slaps. Russell was watching the whole thing with longing in his eyes while sipping his coffee.

“Wow.” It was all Danny could say as he ran a hand along the rim of the drumhead. “Wow... uh... thank you.”  
“Fancy a jam?” Emma gave the drumhead a gentle slap. “Hey, that sounds great.”  
“Never played one of those,” Danny replied, picked up the drum and sat down on the nearest chair with the drum [between his knees.](https://static.wixstatic.com/media/98ce36_620d72fcc79e4c2d9cda9b6fdf6b8eb5~mv2.jpg/v1/fill/w_480,h_360,al_c,q_90/98ce36_620d72fcc79e4c2d9cda9b6fdf6b8eb5~mv2.jpg)

Someone turned the chair around so Russell could watch him do it, and Danny looked at Russell's face with a somewhat flustered smile. Russell was chewing his lips.

Danny adjusted the drum and ran his hands around the rim. “Did you know that?”  
Russell shook his head. “I had no idea, honestly.”

“Okay,” Matt said and picked up his phone. “I consulted Doctor Wiki, and it said that with this thing you use three sounds: bass, tone and slap.” He adjusted his glasses. “Bass is in the middle of the skin, tone closer to the edge and slap almost on the edge, and I quote: 'masters achieve as many as twenty-five distinctly different sounds'... wow, I wanna hear you do that, really. And it also says that... uh...” He needed a moment to find the right line again. “There we are. A skilled player can use the sounds to create very complex rhythmic patterns; the combination of rhythm and the differently pitched sounds often leads an inexpert listener to believe that more than one drum is being played.”

Danny looked down at the drum and gave the skin a slap, right in the middle, and the low thrum vibrated in his diaphragm and made him grin. He proceeded to try different sounds with moving closer and closer to the edge. He would need some practice, but was in no doubt that he would quickly get the hang of it. Maybe not 25 different tones, but he could feel the potential for maybe a dozen.

A few people walked past the laptop to toast Russell with their drinks, and Russell toasted back with his coffee mug. He ended the call shortly after, as sitting there in a hostel watching other people party wasn't exactly fun, and with a sigh Danny watched Matt put the laptop back. 

The music resumed again and Danny carefully put the drum aside, but kept eyeing it for the rest of the night. He contemplated where to store it but quickly came to the decision that the studio would be the best solution since he didn't want to have to listen to any more complaints about dumb noise from his parents. And since he had a key and a key card, it wasn't a problem. Plus, it gave him even more to do, to keep his mind off his boyfriend withdrawals.

People with friends or partners who didn't drink to drive home began leaving around midnight, a few others called and shared a taxi. It was around half past two in the morning when almost everyone had gone to sleep somewhere, most of them in the attic, with the only people still awake downstairs being Danny, Emma, Craig and Janice. 

The latter two were engaged in a discussion about bikes; apparently Janice's last boyfriend had been a biker and she had a bike as well. Lying comfortably on the sofa opposite of them, Danny listened to their conversation with half an ear with Emma snuggled up against his side and half on top of him. 

He was pleasantly drunk now; just the right amount of relaxed and not caring too much. Emma had just nodded off as well and Danny smiled and put an arm around her; her body was warm and heavy and it felt like cuddling with a large, sleeping cat. He closed his eyes, and while slowly drifting off as well he dimly registered Craig and Janice talking about Craig's bike and eventually leaving the living room, apparently to have a look at said bike.

“Right mate, take her out for a ride,” Danny muttered with a smile before closing his eyes.

* * *

The sun rose brightly the next morning, but the same wasn't true for most of the party guests. 

Matt, on the other hand, was just as scuffproof as Emma was regarding alcohol; no matter how plastered he had been the night before, he was a little tired the next day but suffered no other ill effects and thus, was always the one supplying the others with coffee. He was usually assisted by Emma who had received the same blessing. 

Danny simply hadn't felt like getting hammered, and the three of them now helped the others feel like human beings again. The only ones who didn't show up when Matt announced the coffee was ready however were Craig and Janice. They appeared somewhat later, together and through the back door.

“Where have you two been?” Matt asked with a broad grin.  
“In the bike shed,” Craig said. It was clear by his face and the sound of his voice that he hadn't slept at all that night.  
“Oh?” Matt handed him a coffee. “And what were you doing in the bike shed all night?”  
“Talking.”  
Matt adjusted his glasses with a snort.  
“About bikes,” Janice added, as bleary-eyed as Craig was, and made grabby hands when Matt filled the next cup. “We talked about bikes.”

“Did you give her a ride, mate?” Someone yelled from the other end of the room.  
Janice took her coffee and turned around without a muscle moving in her face. “We didn't have the right safety equipment!” She yelled back. Janice wasn’t a timid girl and she certainly didn’t look it. 

Craig rested one elbow on the kitchen counter and his face in his hand. “Make them stop,” he muttered to Matt.  
“I can do that,” Danny said and switched off the cooker. “Who wants scrambled eggs?” He hollered, making several people wince. 

After breakfast most people left while a handful stayed to help clean the place up again, and after a final round of coffee and tea, Danny carried the drum to his car and carefully deposited in the leg area in front of the passenger seat. 

Unlocking the studio he noticed they would have to do another spider extermination run, and he had a careful look around after closing the door behind him. He put the djembe down next to his drum kit and flicked the crash cymbal with his finger. 

“Hey, look,” he said. “It followed me home, can we keep it?” He walked around the kit and sat down, then picked up his sticks. “We could adopt it, maybe. What do you think?”

Danny closed his eyes and played for a bit, then he put the sticks down again and took the djembe between his knees. 

“Don't worry, baby,” he said to his drum kit with a small grin. “It's just an instrument, you know?”

Still grinning to himself Danny took his phone and looked for YouTube videos of djembe players, and after watching a few of those he started experimenting himself. 

It was dinnertime when he was home again, and while he didn't feel the need to talk to his parents about the new drum he immediately called Russ once he was up in his room. 

Russell listened to his gushing about the new drum with fond amusement and after ending the call, Danny spent some more time looking at the portrait before going to bed.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very belated and painful relevation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger Warning** This chapter contains a conversation about miscarriage and death in infancy.
> 
>  **Tissue warning** If you get emotional while reading, you might not want to read this during your coffee break at work or on the bus. My guinea pig reader scolded me for making her cry in public.
> 
> * * *

Danny was very busy that week; he was about to start the first clinical practice from the following week on. He and his fellow students were getting ready with buying the clothes and shoes they needed for the job, and going through notes and papers to be as best prepared as they could.

He was glowing in excitement as this was what he had been looking forward to the most. And of course he knew he wouldn’t be out in emergency situation yet, not for a long time, but now he would finally leave the classroom, at least part of the time. He knew he could have gone and only do the Diploma in Paramedic Science, which was only a year and would have qualified him to be an EMT, but he had chosen the longer and more difficult way of doing the BSc course, as he had wanted the best and highest qualifications possible. That meant more studying of course, more papers and stuff that did not necessarily or directly have anything to do with being or becoming a paramedic, but if that was what it took, then he would take it on. 

It was Wednesday afternoon and Danny had just fetched himself a coffee, but on his way upstairs he stopped at the table, put down his cup and pulled out his hair elastic to re-do his ponytail. His father looked up at him from his paper, but only for a moment before he continued reading. Danny was just combing his hair back with his fingers when his mother stepped behind him.

“It might be more practical for work to braid it,” she said. “Rather than just tying it back, I mean.”  
Danny looked at her over his shoulder. “I was almost expecting you to say it would be more practical to cut it short.”  
“Yes, it would,” his mother replied with a small smile. “But you don’t want that, do you?”  
“No.” Danny toyed with the elastic for a moment, mildly confused when his mother ran a strand of his hair through two fingers. “I don’t.”  
“To be honest, I think it would be a shame.” 

Danny’s father harrumphed and Danny snorted. 

“That was the last thing I would’ve expected, Mum.”  
“Well.” She dropped the strand of hair. “Do you mind if I try something?”  
“Try what? Braid my hair?”  
“Yes.”  
Danny snorted again and shrugged. “Okay...”

Danny tried a sip of coffee but it was still too hot, and then looked at his father who was very engrossed in his paper. And since he wasn’t only a sucker for head scratches but also loved it when someone – especially a certain someone but he wasn’t fussy – toyed with his hair, he just sat down, closed his eyes and let his mother fiddle with it. He could feel her part it into strands, but she started almost at the top of his head. 

“I loved to do Emily’s hair when she was little,” she said with a small smile.  
Danny took another sip of coffee. “Would you’ve rather had a girl?”  
“I would very much love to have a daughter as well,” his mother replied. 

It didn’t escape him how much emphasis she had put onto the last two words and Danny could feel her tense for a moment. He cleared his throat and swallowed.

“I’m sorry,” he said in a low voice. “I know you never wanted me to be an only child.”

The next touch of his mother’s finger was soft, almost tender, and Danny literally couldn’t remember the last time she had touched him like that. But the silence that followed his apology was heavy, and laced with heavy discomfort. Danny cursed himself inwardly for having killed the mood with being so thoughtlessly tactless.

“I’m really sorry, Mum. I shouldn’t have said that.”  
Her hand brushed his shoulder before continuing what it had been doing. “It’s not your fault.”  
“Still shouldn’t have said it,” he mumbled unhappily.

Finally, his father looked up from his paper. “That happens rather a lot, sadly.”  
“What?” Danny narrowed his eyes. “Me saying things I shouldn’t have said?”  
“Someone in this house saying things that shouldn’t have been said, and that certainly doesn’t apply only to you.”  
Danny took a deep breath, but wasn’t completely pacified yet. 

His mother had now reached the back of his neck and quickly braided the rest of his hair before holding out her hand for the elastic. Danny handed it to her and reached up to feel the back of his head.

“What did you do there?”  
“A French braid.”  
Danny had to smile. “Feels great. Can you teach me how to do that?”  
“Of course. Do you want another coffee?”  
“I just got myself one. Thanks, Mum.”  
“Roger?”  
“Yes, please.”

Danny’s mother took their cups and headed for the kitchen while Danny still patted the back of his head. He had been worrying about it lately, even if he knew he wasn’t the only one with long hair and the others didn’t seem to waste a single thought on that. But the thought of a strand of hair hanging into his face or somewhere else important while in a critical situation had bothered him more than he cared to admit. He had entertained the thought in earnest; nothing would stand in his way, and if he would ever get the feeling his hair would become a problem, then it would have to go. This, however, would definitely solve the problem. He just needed practice. 

His mother came back with two coffees and put one down in front of her husband.

“Thank you,” Danny’s father said and she smiled at him as she sat down. 

The silence was back. Roger Barnett stared at his paper, his wife stirred in her cup, and the soft clinking of the spoon hitting the porcelain suddenly scraped over Danny’s nerves like a shard of glass.

“Right,” he blurted out. “What is going on?”

His mother stopped stirring and looked up. “What do you mean?”  
“What is going on?” Danny looked at her and then at his father who slowly looked up at him. “You’ve both been nagging me about my hair for years and then suddenly you start fussing about it as if it was something precious... I don’t get it!”  
“But it is something precious,” his mother said hesitantly. “To you. Isn’t it?”  
“Of course it is, but you didn’t give a shit about that before.”

Danny’s father kept looking at his son and Danny kept looking at his mother.

“So...” Danny faltered. “I... I don’t get it. You’ve been harassing me for years about my hair and my music and everything, and then suddenly a few months ago you stop, and Dad even goes and buys me my drum kit back, and... and ... why? What is going on? Where does that sudden change of mind come from? And why now?”

Danny’s parents looked at each other, and something passed between them that Danny couldn’t identify. His father’s face was an impenetrable mask, a sure sign something serious was going on behind it, but when Danny looked at his mother he was dismayed to find her eyes misting over.

“Mum?”  
His mother took a very deep, shaky breath. “Daniel,” she began and obviously, didn’t know how to proceed.  
Danny waited. 

“Daniel,” she said again. “There are... do you... do you know this feeling of...” She wrung her hands. “There is something that you need to tell someone, but you are sure they wouldn’t understand, so you wait... and then, when they would understand, you cannot really bring yourself to do it. And you wait, you wait for the right time, and the right place, but the right time and place never come of course.” She wiped the back of her hand across her lips with a hasty move. “And then suddenly it is so late that you have no excuse why you haven’t said it yet, and it only gets worse and...” Now she wiped a hand across her eyes. 

“And then comes a moment when you are very harshly reminded of it again,” his father went on. “Yet another... another mistake. Another added to a very long list.”

Danny looked back and forth between his parents with a deep, cold feeling of unease and something that was close to fear. He wasn’t sure what was happening, and he wasn’t sure who these two people were and what they had done to his parents. 

“What is going on?” He asked, his voice not really carrying. “What the fuck is going on?” He looked at his father, and as his mother who was fighting her tears. “What... am I adopted? I’m not really yours, is it that?”  
“No!” His mother dropped her hands and vehemently shook her head. “No, Daniel, you are not... not adopted. You are our son and... and that is why...”

Danny leaned back and crossed his arms, gritting his teeth so hard it hurt. Yet something was telling him whatever it was he was about to hear would hurt him much more.

After a moment, Danny’s father pushed back his chair and got up, then left the room and headed up the stairs with slow and heavy steps. Danny picked up his cup and let the almost too hot coffee trickle down his throat to have something else to focus on instead of his mother who was fighting her tears. 

When Danny’s father came back he was carrying a box half the size of a shoebox, but it was made from printed cardboard, a light blue sky with clouds and half the arc of a rainbow spanning across the lid. He sat down next do his wife and put the box down in front of her. Danny’s mother looked at the box and took a deep breath before she took off the lid. 

Inside were a stack of photos and a few items of cloth that Danny couldn’t identify, and he watched his mother reach inside to take out the pictures. 

He recognised his parents, much younger, with his father’s hair almost entirely black and his mother’s longer and in a bun. They both were standing next to an incubator with a tiny, dark-haired baby inside. 

“Mum...” Danny took one of these pictures to look at his father with a baby curled up in his arm that was not much larger than his hand. “I know I was a preemie, I’ve seen these before.”  
“No, you haven’t.” His mother’s voice was trembling.

Danny slowly put the picture down on the table and had to force himself to look at her. 

“You haven’t seen these before,” she whispered, a tear trickling down her cheek. “Because that’s not you.”

Something ice-cold crept down his spine. Danny stared at the picture before him and his mind went completely blank.

After staring at the picture for a small eternity, he looked up at his mother, unable to form any coherent thoughts. “What...”

“That...” His mother said, her voice wavering and close to breaking. “That is your brother. He was... he was born four years before you, and...” She broke off and covered her eyes with her hand.

“I have a brother?” Danny whispered tonelessly. His whole world was reeling and his mind was spinning. 

“He was born two months early,” his father said in a heavy voice. “He... he fought. But he didn’t make it. He lived for five weeks.”

Danny stared at the picture in his hands with widening eyes and a racing heart. He felt cold. Numb with shock. He had a brother... would have had a brother, if fate had been kinder. He had no idea what to feel, to think, how to react. He just kept staring at the picture, feeling his world slowly get unhinged without being able to stop it. 

In the meantime, his mother had emptied the box. The items of cloth turned out to be baby clothes, a heartbreakingly small bodysuit and a blue crochet hat with matching socks, so small they would have fitted Danny’s thumbs. There was also a small, white wristband and a card, of the kind that would be attached to baby beds in hospitals.

Danny stopped staring at the picture and looked at the small card, the cheerful stork in the lower right corner with the blue bundle in his beak looking ridiculously out of place for what he was feeling right now.

_Oliver Barnett_  
_September 8th 2005, 2:47 am._  
_40 cm, 1648 grams_

It hit him like a two-by-four in the back of his neck. 

September the 8th, that had been right in the middle of their break-up. It would have been his 25th birthday. 

“It was his birthday,” Danny whispered and looked up at his mother. “That was the reason? His birthday?”  
His mother nodded mutely.

At that moment, his shock turned into a deep, biting feeling of betrayal so cold it hurt. So that was the reason. The explanation for everything. He started to tremble.

“That was it?” Danny swallowed hard. “A bad conscience because you remembered that I happen to be your son as well?”  
“Daniel...” His mother’s face paled when she saw the anger in his eyes.

“That explains so much...” Danny almost jumped out of his chair, and his anger turned into fury. “That’s what it was? What I was? A fucking replacement?”  
“Daniel!” His father cut in sharply.  
“A fucking replacement!” Danny screamed at him. “A replacement for the son that would have been perfect, right? He would’ve been everything you’d have wanted!” Tears of fury forced themselves out of his eyes. “He would have dressed neatly! And he would’ve listened to the Beatles and Mozart! And he would’ve become a plumber just like you wanted! With a proper haircut! And he would’ve played the piano too!”  
“Daniel!!” His father tried to reach for his arm, but Danny tore his arm away and took a step back.  
“And then I turn out a total fuck-up! I didn’t want your fucking business and I listen to horrendous music and make horrendous music and look like trash and I am not even straight!”

“Daniel, no!” His mother got up and hurried around the table, her face wet with tears. “Daniel, please...”

“And then you remember that I am not just a random dick you found on your doorstep? That I’m your son after all...”  
“Daniel!” Now his mother tried to reach for him but Danny staggered a step back.  
“A fucking sorry bad conscience when all the time it was him you wanted and not me!”

He spun around and headed for the door in what was almost a run, ignoring the calls of his mother. He slid into his boots, not bothering with the laces, slammed the door shut behind him and raced for his car, started the engine and first after the next two crossroads he realised he hadn’t even fastened his seatbelt. 

And then he realised that it would make no sense to head for Godden Crescent because Russell wasn’t there. After driving aimlessly south again he finally made up his mind and headed for Westmere where Matt and Craig lived. 

He rang the doorbell and a moment later, Matt opened the door. The grin on his face died immediately.

“For fucks sake, Danny... what the fuck happened to you?”  
“Can I come in?” Danny rasped.

Matt stepped aside and Danny kicked off his boots before heading into the lounge area past the kitchen. His fury had turned into a bone deep exhaustion paired with a bitter and hopeless pain that was eating him alive. He fell into the nearest sofa and with his elbows on his knees, buried his face in his hands. 

Craig, who had been in the kitchen doing the dishes, had frozen on the spot when Danny had stormed past him, and stood there with water dripping from his fingers before he remembered what he was doing here. He put the plate back into the sink and dried his hands, then cautiously headed over, together with Matt. They sat down on either side of Danny, exchanging a helpless look. 

“Danny...” Matt began hesitantly. “What the everliving fuck is the matter with you?”  
“My parents,” Danny pressed out through gritted teeth. “Asked them today why... where that change of mind came from. Suddenly being all nice and my mum braiding my hair and shit... and then they suddenly come out with... that...” He looked up, tears welling over. “That I had an older brother,” he rasped hoarsely. “He died five weeks old. All that time... all that fucking time... I was just a fucking replacement for a brother who died.”

Matt and Craig looked at each other in dismay. None of the two knew what to say. Eventually Matt got up, shook his head and took out his phone. He walked a few steps away as he dialled a number and held the phone to his ear. 

“Hey Emma,” he said after a moment. “Can you come over? We have a... situation.” A pause. “It’s Danny. Something with his parents, and he’s totally out of his mind...” He lowered his phone and frowned at it, apparently Emma had just ended the call.

Danny hadn’t moved again, his face back in his hands he sat there hunched over, his whole body trembling. Matt headed hesitantly for the kitchen and started the kettle, and Craig moved a little closer to Danny. He cautiously rested a hand on Danny’s shoulder, but didn’t say anything. 

Ten minutes later a car pulled into the driveway and Matt got up to open the door. Emma kicked off her shoes and stormed past him in silent, worried determination. She hurried over to the sofa, knelt on it next to Danny and slung both arms around him without a word. 

Danny fell against her and went completely to pieces. 

Matt sat down on the opposite sofa and he and Craig just looked at each other lost in helpless worry. 

Eventually Danny had calmed down again enough for Emma to let go of him again, and after Matt had pressed cup of coffee between his hands, he managed to tell his friends what had happened. 

Emma draped one arm around his shoulders and leaned her forehead against his temple.

“Danny... baby... god, I can see you hurt. But hey... look at me?” She leaned back and Danny slowly lifted his head to look at her. “That was a shock all right, and your parents seriously fucked that one up... but Danny... I don’t think... no, I’m actually pretty sure that it wasn’t like that. You... when he died, they tried again, not as a replacement, but to have a child after all. And I remember you saying your parents didn’t want you to be an only child, so... I’m sure that even if he had lived they would have had you.”  
Danny could only shrug. 

“Danny.” Emma ran a hand down his cheek. “Please. You have to talk to them.”  
“I don’t want to talk to them,” Danny gave back in a hoarse whisper. “I never want to see their fucking faces again.”  
“I totally get that,” Emma replied. “But you have to talk to them.”  
“What the fuck is there to talk about?”  
“Let them explain. I totally get where you’re coming from, but I think it’s cruel to just run away like that and never come back when they finally tried to put things right... even if they fucked it up again. But I can’t imagine that especially your mum doesn’t hurt like hell right now too.”

Danny looked at his coffee again. 

“Baby... please. You have to talk to them. If only to make a clean break.”  
“And what then?” Danny didn’t look up. “Clean break or not... what the fuck am I supposed to do? How the fuck am I supposed to keep my shit together and do my thing without a place to live and without...”  
“Danny.” Emma nudged his temple with her nose. “Maybe you don’t have to. And really... if the worst happens, you know that there’s one place you can always turn to. Anders will never leave you hanging. I know it’s not the same and it’s less than optimal, but he won’t let your life be destroyed by all this.”

After a sip of coffee, Danny shook his head with a deep breath. “I’m not sure I can.”  
“But I am sure you can. I come with you, if you want. At least to the door. And I wait. If you need to get away from there again I’ll be there.”  
“And what am I supposed to say?”  
“Maybe nothing.” Emma brushed a strand of hair from his face. “But you can listen to them. Let them explain.”  
“What the fuck is there to explain?”  
“Everything?”

Danny took another deep breath and emptied his cup. When he got up his moves were so heavy as if he was made of lead. Matt and Craig accompanied him and Emma to the door, and Craig put a hand on Danny’s shoulder after the latter had put on his boots. 

“If push comes to shove you can crash here for a bit. We figure something out.”  
Danny managed a small smile. “Thanks, mate. A million times.”  
“It’s all right.” Craig gave Danny’s shoulder a squeeze before letting go.

Emma was adamant about Danny not being able to drive, and gave him a lift home in her own car.

“I’ll wait right here,” she said after she had killed the engine. “No matter how long it takes. And if you think you don’t need me here anymore after all just drop me a text, okay?”  
Danny nodded. “Thank you.”  
Emma leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “You’ll be fine.”

Danny left the car and closed the door, and after rolling his shoulders and a deep breath, he walked up the stairs. He hesitated another moment before unlocking the door, and softly and slowly stepped inside.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, fixing things only means picking up the pieces and taking it from there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger Warning** This chapter contains conversations about miscarriage and death in infancy.
> 
>  **Tissue warning** If you get emotional while reading, you might not want to read this during your coffee break at work or on the bus. My guinea pig reader scolded me for making her cry in public.

Danny hesitantly closed the door behind him and took another deep breath to steady himself, but didn’t bother with taking off his boots in case he had to make another run for it. 

He could hear his parents in the living room and took a few cautious, hesitant steps before his father appeared in the doorway, obviously having heard the door. 

His father’s eyes were red. There was a film of moisture around them. 

He had been crying.

Not in all of his twenty-two years had Danny ever seen him even close to tears. Not even Nana’s sudden death had left more than a faint trace in his eyes.

And now...

He had been crying.

Danny could hear his mother’s soft sobs coming from the living room, but to see his father like this was another shock. 

Father and son stared at each other in silence, and Danny’s father was the first to look away. He stepped back into the living room and Danny followed him. 

His mother looked up at him from where she was sitting on the sofa while clutching a crumpled tissue in her hand. She got up and blinked her tears away, but more just kept on coming. Danny could hardly bring himself to look at her. 

After stuffing the tissue into her pocket she looked at him for a moment, and then cautiously reached out and took one of his hands. She held on to that hand with both of her own. 

“Daniel,” she whispered, her voice thick with tears. “Daniel, please... I know we made mistakes, and I know we made a lot of bad choices, but please, I beg you... you have to believe me. You have to believe us this one thing: You were never... never a replacement for your brother.”  
Danny closed his eyes for a moment and had to take a deep breath before he was able to look at her again.   
“You have to believe us,” she implored him. “You were wanted, Daniel. We wanted you. And we would have had you if Oliver had survived. You...” She broke off and shook her head.  
His father’s voice was low and rough. “Daniel, you are not a replacement. You are our second son.” 

Lowering his eyes to look at his hand enveloped by his mother’s Danny still couldn’t find any words. He wanted to believe them. He did believe them, actually. But that made it only worse.

“But...” he finally said. “But if I was... if you wanted me so much then why...”  
His mother bit her lower lip and shook her head. “Why what?”  
“Why could you accept nothing I ever did after... was not wanting Dad’s business so bad that...” He broke off helplessly and shook his head. “You said you wanted me, but I wasn’t what you wanted.”

Danny’s mother slowly shook her head. 

“I wasn’t what you wanted,” Danny went on in a scratchy voice. “You wanted the perfect child and I wasn’t...”  
“Daniel, please.” She increased the pressure of her hands around his. “I just wanted you.”  
Danny shook his head, pressing his lips together.  
“Daniel,” his mother went on. “You are my only... our only child. Our only living child.”  
“I know.”

His mother fell silent and lowered her head, and when she looked up, her tears were back in full. Danny found it hard to look at her, but looking at his father was even harder, so he just kept on looking at his mother.

She hesitated. “So you know you were born prematurely. You were born at thirty weeks, two weeks earlier than Oliver. You were tiny... and so weak. The doctors didn’t give you any real chances of survival. And to see you there, in the incubator with all those tubes and cables... they had to resuscitate you several times... and Oliver...” She broke off and closed her eyes for a moment. “During his last week they had to fight for his life and he was resuscitated several times as well, but in the end we... we realised he couldn’t make it... and we had to let him go.”

Looking at his mother and listening to her Danny felt his eyes burn and his throat constrict. When he increased the pressure of his fingers around hers she held on to him with all her strength. 

“We always wanted to have children,” she went on. “But it wasn’t that easy. I miscarried two times before we had Oliver, and... and I lost another before we had you. I... They were not sure what it was that was wrong with me. I had a hard time carrying Oliver, as well as you, with lots of pain, and false labour, and bleeding and... and if I hadn’t been in the hospital already because of this... I had a uterine rupture and if I had been at home when that had happened we both would have been dead before the ambulance would have been here.”

She took a deep, shaky breath and then looked at her husband. Danny felt him step closer but was unable to look at him. 

“So they were able to do an emergency C-section to save your life,” she said haltingly. “But the only way to save mine was a hysterectomy so... I knew I would never have another baby. And I couldn’t even hold you, not for a long time, at least. But I... both of us, we... we did what we had done before. We begged you to hold on. Told you that life is worth fighting for, because you were wanted, and loved, and the most precious thing in the world. But... they warned us that... that even should you survive, you would most likely be severely disabled. We didn’t care. We wanted you.”

“Seems like I defied all odds,” Danny whispered with the ghost of a smile.  
His mother licked her lips and swallowed, then nodded with a heartbreaking smile of her own. “You did.”  
“But... Mum...” He exhaled softly. “If I was so precious as a kid then why...”

His mother heaved a sigh and dropped her head for a moment. She was visibly forcing herself to look at him again. 

“You were perfect, Daniel. We wanted you to be perfect, and you were perfect...”  
“Until I started not being the perfect little boy anymore,” Danny cut in.  
“Until you started to grow up and were not our perfect little boy any more. And that is where we... we failed. As parents. When you did things we no longer agreed with. And we still wanted you to be our perfect little boy... and you...on your way to become a man... we couldn’t let you go.”  
“But...”  
“Daniel...” His mother took a deep breath and looked into his eyes again. “We were afraid of losing our perfect little boy. That’s how we felt. But that... it didn’t give us any right to try and cling to it. We just... we didn’t want to let you go your own way but... we...” She broke off with a helpless sob.

Finally, Danny’s father took another step towards his wife and looked at him.

“We took you for granted,” he said. “Not as our child, because we never forgot how close we came to losing you, but as the perfect little boy you were. Had been. And... we looked at all those things we disagreed with, like your music, and...”  
“But why... if you hated it so much, why did you buy me the drum kit in the first place?”  
His father met his eyes. “Because I couldn’t say no,” he replied. “And when you began to... do things we did not approve of... we began to believe we had spoiled you and been too lenient.”  
“So... I turned from perfect little boy into a rebellious little asshole.”

Now his mother shook her head again. “Teenagers are rebellious creatures. What we failed to realise though was... that... that you still were our perfect little boy. That you would never stop being that. But we only focussed on... on things like your music and your hair and didn’t even realise that... that in fact, you were still kind, and well-mannered and tidy, you always had good grades, that you didn’t neglect yourself, and that... unlike other parents of teenagers, we never had to find you in hospital with alcohol poisoning... and we were never worried that would ever happen. That the profession you chose is valuable and meaningful, to save other people’s lives... and that your boyfriend is in fact a lovely young man, and that he makes you happy.”

Danny had no idea what to say. 

“It all came together, it all crashed down on us on that day,” his mother continued in a low voice. “When we looked at these pictures here on his birthday. Remembering him, and still, after so many years... it still hurts. Ever so often I just sit there and wonder what he would be doing right now. If he would marry. If he would have joined your father’s business. I looked at these pictures and wondered, and remembering him, the one who didn’t make it... of course it always made me think of you, the one who did. And I remembered how we begged you to hold on, how we told you how much we loved you... and then I remembered that terrible argument you had with your father... and that we made you believe we didn’t love you...” She broke off with another sob and let go of Danny’s hand to cover her face with both of hers. “That we... that we made you feel as if... that we didn’t love you... is something I never... I never will be able to forgive myself...”

“We wanted you to... to see reason,” his father now said, and he talked slowly, as if every word was a heavy load. “To... grow up and be responsible, act like a proper adult. The... the way I thought an adult should behave. But even though I was pleased and relieved when you finally tried to do so... it didn’t take me long to realise how unhappy it made you. I said that I could not stand to see you so heartbroken. I meant it.”

“Daniel...” His mother had found some of her composure back. “We know we made so many mistakes. And I... I honestly... I will never ask your forgiveness for how we failed you, and I am not sure we deserve it. But we can’t undo what we did. We can only try and make amends, and we... now we hurt you again. We should have told you about Oliver long ago but... I... thinking of him made us realise what... what we had done wrong and I... I honestly thought that when that door closed behind you earlier that I would never see you again...”  
His father took a deep heavy breath. “Daniel... just one thing... please understand that nothing of this is meant as an excuse of what we did,” he said after draping an arm around his wife. “Nothing is meant as an excuse, just as... as an explanation. Nothing of this makes you feel any better. It doesn’t make us feel any better either. But all this had to be said. I can only thank you for coming back and listening to us.” 

Danny listened to his parents with a stony face, and no idea what to feel. He hurt, all over, but there was no denying that his parents hurt as well. He had always, for years, just wanted for them to accept him, to accept his choices, had several times contemplated just running away but had never done it because he didn’t want to end up on the street with no future left to him. He had for years yearned like mad just to hear words like these from his parents. It didn’t make him feel as happy and relieved as he always thought it would. He dropped into the sofa and stared at his feet. 

After a moment his mother sat down at his right side and he forced himself to look at her. She smiled at him through her tears and rested a hand on the side of his face, then brushed her thumb across his cheekbone. Another tear fell down her cheek when she lowered her hand again.

“I know how pathetic and how shameful it is that it took us so long, that it took memories of your dead brother to remind us of your worth. That you almost broke before we realised how unloved we made you feel.” She closed her eyes, and more tears streamed down her cheeks. “We cannot undo any of it,” she whispered. “We can’t make up for any of it. We can only try and make it better from now on. If you...”

“If I?” Danny asked after a moment.

“I would...” His mother brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. “I would not blame you if you decided to pack your things and leave us. Forever.”  
Danny exhaled a mirthless chuckle. “And how am I supposed to do what I want to do without money and a place to live?”  
“We would find a way,” she replied slowly. “If you want nothing else anymore from us, we would at least support you financially until you are able to support yourself.” Then she cautiously reached out and touched one of his hands. “I just hope it won’t be necessary... but if this would be the last thing we are able to do for you, we will do it.” 

This was it. His parents had opened the door for him. He could just get up, pack his things and leave. Move in with Matt and Craig until he would find his own place, and then he could live off their money until he had his own job. 

But he knew that if he walked through that door now, he would never be able to come back. 

Danny was torn. 

Yes, his parents had given him hell more often than not during the last ten years. Unsupportive, disappointed, but still in some weird way never really uncaring. Bad parenting, sure. But bad parents?

And Danny thought of Russ, of the picture he had seen of a little boy who had forgotten how to smile, and of the man who still bore the scars of physical and emotional neglect and abuse. 

His father had never raised his hand against him. He had never gone hungry. But there had been argument after argument after argument, increasing in ferocity, since shortly after he had turned twelve. Always being criticised. Always being questioned. But never once had his parents threatened him – and gone through – with anything other than withdrawal of pocket money or grounding him for a few days. 

He wanted to just take them up on their offer, leave their life, make life his own, be his own man, take their money as what was due to him after all the shit they’d given him during the last years and not care anymore.

It was there for only a second, or maybe even less than that. It flashed before his eyes and was gone an instant later, the image of a little boy with dark hair and dark eyes looking at him and asking _Why don’t I have a grandma?_

It was insane. Totally and ridiculously insane. It didn’t make one fuck of sense. 

And it made more sense than Danny cared to admit. 

He slowly looked up at his mother and into her eyes that were still filled with tears. 

Danny clearly remembered that one picture of her, taken on the day they had left the hospital. The bright smile, the joy in her eyes, the happiness radiating from her, and the baby in her arms asleep and completely oblivious. And what he saw now was only regret. A bone-deep regret, for so many things that happened, for so many things that hadn’t. And nothing could ever bring anything of that back. 

He closed his eyes and slowly and gently, shut the door. 

And for a moment he felt like a little boy again, lost and alone and hurt and scared and just wanting his mum. He opened his eyes and looked at his mother. 

She reached out and tucked a wisp of hair behind his ear. Danny hesitated for another second before he finally leaned towards her; he rested his head on her shoulder and closed his eyes, and she immediately closed her arms around him. He could feel his mother’s trembling breath against the skin of his forehead, but then she turned her head and kissed his temple before running a hand down the back of his head. 

It didn’t make everything better. But it made things significantly easier, and it lifted a huge load off his shoulders. Danny took a deep breath and straightened up again as his father sat down next to him. 

“Daniel,” he said in a very low and slightly rough voice.  
“Dad?”  
His father hesitated for a moment. “I know that... that you do not need it, and that probably... you don’t even want it but I... I give you my blessings.”  
“Your what?” Danny tilted his head with a confused frown. “What for?”  
“You.” His father inclined his head. “And Russell.”

Any reply got stuck in Danny’s throat and with parted lips, he turned around to look at his mother again. She took his left hand with a gentle smile.

“Did you really think we wouldn’t notice that you’re not wearing Nana’s ring anymore?”  
“Uh...” Danny nervously licked his lips.  
“And here at the same time you weren’t wearing it anymore Russell had a new ring, but without a stone.” She shook her head with a fond smile. “Just as if he had twisted the ring he is wearing so the stone isn’t visible.”

Danny cleared his throat with an embarrassed attempt at a smile. “We weren’t as clever as we thought, huh?”  
His mother just shook her head.  
“So...” Danny took a deep breath but didn’t pull the hand away his mother was still holding. “You’re not mad?”  
“Why should we?”  
Danny shrugged. “Because of... everything, I guess.”  
“Things that we promised we would put behind us.”  
“Daniel.” His father leaned back. “Were you really afraid of telling us?”

“Well...” Danny gave him an unhappy little smile and a shrug. “Not really afraid. More like... worried, because the dust of the last shitstorm had barely settled, and I didn’t want to kick it all up again. Apart from that... I mean, we didn’t tell anyone else yet, either, we just... we wanted to keep it a secret because... I mean, partly because we just wanted to keep it as something that’s just ours, and partly because we can do without so many questions of _Oh my god you’re so young are you really sure_ and all that sort of crap. I mean, it’s not as if I don’t get it, he was nineteen and I was twenty-one when I asked him but... I...” He groped for words. “I just... I don’t ever want to let him go again and... and...”  
“And you love him,” his mother finished gently.  
Danny exhaled long and hard. “Yes.”  
“And he makes you happy,” his father added.  
“Yes,” Danny said again. 

Having this conversation, like this, here, now, was still making him feel as if he would wake up any moment from the weirdest, strangest dream he had ever had. It felt surreal. But he wanted it to be real. 

“But...” He tried to put his thoughts in some sort of order, and he still felt he needed to make sure this wasn’t a dream. He looked at his mother again. “You’re really... I mean, I marry a guy, and it doesn’t... bother you anymore? Seriously?”  
“If he loves you, and you love him, then that is all that matters.”  
“I... honestly...” Danny huffed out a puff of air. “I can’t imagine it has just stopped bothering you. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I can’t even tell you how much...” 

It was at moment that realisation, and with it relief, began to trickle into Danny’s brain All of a sudden, it wasn’t only his mother fighting with tears anymore. 

“Do you really... are you really okay with this all?” He stared at his mother, then his father. “A same sex marriage for your only son? What about those grandkids you told me about?”  
“We...” His father cleared his throat. “We have been selfish about this for far too long.”  
“Daniel.”   
Danny looked back at his mother.   
“I didn’t give birth to you to have grandchildren, but to have _you_.”

Danny finally lost his own fight against his tears. His mother moved closer and pulled him into an embrace and held him until had put himself together again. He stayed in her embrace for a moment longer, though, before he sat up again. He dug his knuckles into his eyes, and when he opened them again his mother offered him a tissue. After wiping his eyes and blowing his nose Danny looked first at her, then at his father.

The word _Why_ still ghosted around in his head. _Why. Why did you do that? Why for so long? Why didn’t you see?_ But he could see in his parents’ eyes that they felt the same. And he, he had gotten all the answers he would ever get. Could ever have. Saying the same things over and over again wouldn’t change anything. 

But now, at least, he finally had an explanation, an explanation for so many things. Maybe it wasn’t what he had wanted to hear, although he couldn’t even say what that was. He was just sure of one thing: The nagging feeling that he would, maybe even should, one day walk out of his parents’ life and never come back wasn’t there anymore. 

It was all he could to, all they could do, to take it from here. Sometimes, fixing things doesn’t mean a happily ever after, but just picking up the pieces and taking it from there. 

He would need some time to digest all this, but he couldn’t do that here. But before he packed a bag and sought shelter with Matt and Craig for a few days there was one more thing he had to know.

“Is there a grave?” He asked in a rough voice.

He didn’t get an answer at once.

“There is,” his father finally said. “We buried him with my parents because... we didn’t want him to be alone.”  
“Your parents.” Danny had never met his paternal grandparents, they both had died long before he was born. “So he’s in Wellington.”  
“Yes,” his mother replied. “But we have never been there again after... it just hurts too much.”  
Danny nodded slowly and got up. 

“I need... just a few days to clear my head.”

His parents watched him head upstairs in silence. 

Danny packed a few clothes and toiletries; he would be back home Sunday evening so he didn’t need much. He added his laptop and as he reached for his phone charger, his eyes fell onto Russell’s picture in the corner of his desk. The beautiful portrait sat there in a frame, right next to the Kintsugi bowl with the two stones. He realised with a wry smile that it looked a bit like an altar, though Russell most likely wouldn’t like that. 

Having packed what he needed he headed downstairs again.

“I’ll be back Sunday afternoon or evening,” he told his parents. “Gotta start clinical practice on Monday so...”  
His father nodded and his mother managed to smile at him.   
“Okay... bye. See you Sunday.”

“Daniel,” his father said as he had reached the door.  
Danny turned around. “Yes?”  
His father hesitated for a moment. “Thank you,” he said then in a low voice.  
After a deep breath Danny nodded, not knowing what to say. 

Then he left, and realised with a pang of bad conscience that Emma’s car really was still there. Not that he had expected her to leave, not when she had promised she would stay, but she had been waiting there for a fucking long time now. 

Danny cautiously knocked at the window and Emma looked up from the game she was playing on her phone, then unlocked the car. Danny got in and put the backpack between his feet.

“You’re...” Emma gave him a very worried look. “You’re not really moving out now, are you?”  
Danny looked at her. “No,” he said. “No, I’m not. But I need some space to... digest all that. I’m gonna take Matt and Craig up on their offer and stay until Sunday.”  
“Why Sunday?”  
“’Cause I start my clinical practice on Monday.”

Emma started the engine and backed out of the driveway. 

“Do you want to talk?” She asked after a few minutes.  
“Yes.” Danny sighed. “But not right now.”  
“Anytime.” Emma gave him an encouraging smile since they were just waiting at a red light. “And I mean it.”  
“I know you do, sweetie. Thank you.”

The light turned green and Emma looked at the road again.

“You will have to tell Russell all this,” she said.  
“I’d rather not.”  
“He will have your hide when he finds out after he comes back and you haven’t told him that.”  
“I know.” Danny looked out of the window. It had started to rain, and he watched the droplets crawl across the windowpane. “And I will. I just don’t want to, because he can do nothing, and if it was me, I’d feel like shit up there.”  
“He will.” Emma sighed. “But he will want to know anyway.”  
“I know,” Danny said again. “Tomorrow morning, it’s evening there and he’ll have time to talk.”  
“You do that.”

Emma stayed for dinner and until late that evening before she left Danny in the care of Craig and Matt. Danny didn’t really sleep that night, and he texted Russell at seven the next morning, asking if they could talk. It wasn’t even ten minutes before Russell came online on Skype and called him. 

Danny had a hard time talking about it all, and he was close to tears several times, and in the end lost his shit again with Russell watching him helplessly from the other end of the world. 

“Oh Danny,” he said, tears in his eyes as well. “I just want to be there. I just feel... I just want to throw down everything and come home.”  
Danny shook his head after wiping his hand across his eyes. “You gotta do your thing up there. I’ll be fine eventually, and at least I’m not alone. I got Emma, and Matt and Craig.”  
“You do,” Russell said and bit his lip. “But... Danny... I promise I’ll never do something like this again. I don’t... sometimes I’m so homesick I just want to... Danny, I promise I come home to you, and then I’ll never leave you again.”  
Danny could only shake his head and smile.   
“I promise,” Russell said again. “Life is shit without you.”

They looked at each other in silence, both yearning for a kiss, or a touch at least, but in the end they had to say good bye again. 

After that, Danny slept for a bit, fitfully and for a few hours only but it was better than nothing, and since the other three were at work he was alone when he woke up. He wasn’t hungry and downed a few cups of coffee instead before he eventually headed for the studio. 

He took off his shirt and picked up the drumsticks, and he played hard and fast and wild, just to stop thinking and just _be_. He had to stop when his arms got so heavy he couldn’t lift them anymore, and he was drenched in sweat and out of breath, but he was feeling decidedly better now. 

Craig and Matt had made dinner when he was back at their place, and Danny was able to smile again about Matt’s terrible puns during dinner that night.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding out where to go and trying to move on. (And maybe getting a bit drunk in between because we all need a break sometimes.)

Tim went to bed shortly after dinner as he had early shift the next day, and Matt, Craig and Danny had another beer. And even though Danny’s mood had lightened somewhat earlier, he was still lost in thoughts. Both Matt and Craig knew perfectly well what was on his mind so neither of them said anything.

Eventually, it was Danny himself who broke the silence.

“I honestly don’t know what to do now,” he said and took a sip of beer. “I never thought I’d hear them say those things to me and I still…” He sighed. “I don’t know what to do.”

He looked up at Craig, then at Matt. 

“I’m not sure what to say to that,” Matt said cautiously. “I’ve never had any problems like these with my own parents. I guess I have the most boring parent-child relationship ever.”  
“That’s a blessing,” Danny said and looked at Craig. A frown formed on his face when he realised Craig was staring at his plate with a tight face. “Dude?”

Craig didn’t look up at once. When he finally did so, his mouth was a thin line and he looked at Danny for another moment. Danny looked at Matt who in turn looked at Craig with a sad frown of his own.

“Craig? Sorry… did I say something wrong?”  
Craig sighed. “No. It’s just…” He finally met Danny’s eyes. “You can fix this. Maybe not completely, maybe never more than just gluing shards together, but you can. I just… sometimes I can’t stand listening to people complain about their parents.”  
Danny narrowed his eyes. “Sorry, but my parents…”  
“I know,” Craig cut in. “And my parents are dead. So your parents gave you a ton of shit, but you have the chance to fix it because they’re still here.”

Danny exhaled slowly and then licked his lips.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, mate. I’m…”  
“It’s okay.” Craig shook his head. “I don’t like to talk about it. But just... You still got them. So they’re not the best parents in the world, but they’re not the worst parents either, and now they finally try to do better than they did so far. Don’t block them. I don’t even know what’s the best thing to do, but don’t just give up on them now.”  
“I’m not going to do that.”  
“Good.” Craig picked up his bottle. “Don’t.”

Danny exchanged a look with Matt. The latter just shrugged, but it was clear by Craig’s facial expression and his body language that he didn’t want to talk about this anymore.

After they had cleared the table and done the dishes Danny took a shower and retreated upstairs into his corner in the attic where the sofa bed stood. He took his laptop but realised that he couldn’t call Russell because it was shortly after nine and he would be in a lecture right now. So he put on his headphones and loaded one of the movies on his to-watch list. 

It was after midnight when he was finally tired enough to attempt going to sleep after being unable to stop thinking about Craig and what he had said. He still had his parents. And as long as they were alive there was a chance to make it better. Maybe not everything. But they had said they would. And with everything that had happened, Danny didn’t doubt that they would try.

It would never be perfect. It would never get even close to what Russell and Anders had, but those two had had a totally different start with each other. Anders hadn’t even wanted him. And today they had the closest father-son relationship that Danny knew. 

He could never have that, of course. But he could have more than what he had now, and he could have more than Craig would ever have. 

Danny fell asleep eventually, but his dreams were haunted by a young, dark-haired man a few years older than him, who had his father’s eyes and his mother’s smile.

* * *

Russell had slept very poorly that night and spent his Thursday lost in thought and homesick and missing Danny more than he had thought possible. He didn’t accompany the other three to have coffee after lectures and just went back to the hostel. 

After dropping his bag next to his bed he fell down onto the mattress and buried his face into the pillow. He knew of course that even if he was in Auckland right now he wouldn’t actually be able to do anything, but he could be there, be at his side and hold him. Listen to him and help him sort his thoughts. 

Well, maybe that was doing something after all.

But whatever, he couldn’t do it. Listening to him via Skype was less than optimal and left them both frustrated.

After roughly twenty minutes Russell got up again and went downstairs into the lounge to make himself a coffee. Fed up with instant after the first two weeks he had bought himself a small cafétiere and ground coffee, and even if it still wasn’t the best coffee in the world – and he had to remember to not completely empty the cup because of residual coffee particles – it was much better than instant.

He settled down in one of the sofas with his coffee and his phone, but staring at it he realised that it would be half past four in the morning down there and he couldn’t possibly talk to Danny right now. With a sigh, he put the phone down onto the table, got up and headed for the book shelf.

It was filled with old and dog-eared books left by backpackers from all over the world, accidentally or on purpose to save weight for the flight home. A lot of them were in English, but there were a lot of other languages as well, and Russell browsed the books for a while until he found a novel about a Viking warrior and his rise to fame and glory.

After getting comfortable in the sofa again he started reading, but after less than half an hour he closed the book again and frowned at the summary on the back. 

Brilliant research, it said. The author had apparently consulted several experts in Norse culture and history. Making the story as realistic as possible. 

Which it was, yet something was bothering Russell without him being able to put his finger on what it was. In the end he gave up on the book and put it back, and just drank his coffee in silence and solitude.

* * *

Danny went to uni that Friday, but he was only physically present. He knew he had to find his mental balance again before Monday or he wouldn’t be able to focus properly on what would be the most important days of his course that year. 

Leaving the building and heading for his car he wished he could talk to Russ about his relationship with his father, but it was three in the morning up there now, so he couldn’t. Not now, at least. 

But there was someone else he could talk to about their father-son relationship. And without hesitation, Danny started the engine and headed for Godden Crescent.

Anders was surprised to find him at the door, but he immediately asked him inside and offered him a coffee with a smile. 

“What can I do for you?” He asked after they had settled down in the living room.  
“Do I need to give you some privacy?” Seona asked and was about to pick up her cup of tea.  
“Nah, it’s okay,” Danny said with a smile. “It’s not classified.”  
Seona smiled and leaned back again.

“So,” Danny said after a moment and looked at Anders. “I wanted to talk to you about… about you and Russ. But I… I guess I have to start at the beginning.”

Anders nodded encouragingly and after a deep breath, Danny told him what had happened on Wednesday. He listened with a slight frown but didn’t interrupt him.

“I honestly…” Anders rubbed a hand across his chin. “That wasn’t what I expected. But I guess that applies to you as well.”  
Danny huffed into his cup.  
“I can see that bothers you but… I can’t really see how I can help you. Do you need a place to stay?”  
“No.” Danny smiled at him. “Thank you, really. But what… I wanted to ask you about…” He took a deep breath. “When you… when you met Russ. You didn’t want him, did you?”

Anders took his cup and moistened his lips with a flick of his tongue. “No,” he said after a moment. “And that’s not a secret, I talked to Russ about it. There were… there were literally a million things that I would have wanted more in my life than a kid.”  
Danny nodded and took a sip of coffee.  
“No, I didn’t want him. And I can tell you, I regretted my decision more than once during the first months.”

Danny lowered his cup and stared into the dark liquid and his own faint reflection in it. 

“But you learned… you learned to love him?” He looked up at Anders again.  
Anders smiled wistfully. “I did. And I can’t even say when it happened. When it started. I just know he started as a burden. A nuisance even, sometimes. But it had been my own choice to take him with me and make him a part of my life. Only… I hadn’t been able to imagine what it all meant. Being a father. It took me some months to even figure out how to act and think like a father.”

Anders paused and took a sip of coffee, his eyes unfocussed and looking at old memories. 

“I remember that one weekend when I produced a fuck-up of epic proportions, and that night Russ had a panic attack that was so bad he pissed himself. I couldn’t handle laundry at three a.m. and let him sleep in my bed. It was when I came back to the bed after a piss and saw him there, asleep and at peace, that I realised that I wanted to feel like a father too. I wanted to be his father. And… even more. I wanted to be his dad.”

He looked up at Danny and they exchanged a small smile. 

“I think that moment was when it started. The moment I realised I wanted to be his dad instead of just being able to care for him. But it took me almost losing him after that accident that I realised it had happened.”  
“I guess you freaked out then.”  
“I did. I was going crazy. I don’t think I’ve ever been so afraid in my life until then.” Anders shook his head. “And I just wanted him to be fine again and take him home with me. There was a huge, Russell-shaped hole in the house during the time he was in the hospital, and I was so happy to have him back when he came home again…” He shrugged. “At that point I almost couldn’t remember a life without him. And I didn’t want to imagine it. In the end, he was the best that ever happened to me, even if it took me the better part of a year to realise it.”

Danny stared into his cup again with a small sigh. “But you learned to love him even if you didn’t want him.”  
“I did.” Anders leaned forward and touched his arm. “But you said that your parents never stopped loving you, only that they fucked up in letting you know.”

Now it was Danny’s turn to shrug. “Yes, that’s what they said. And I do believe them… after what… how they were. I literally… I have never seen my father anywhere near to being close to tears, and he had been crying. It was… it was a shock. But… yeah, I do believe them. But I don’t know what to do… they say they love me, and I believe them. But... I think…” He looked up at Anders and felt a lump in his throat when he finally understood what was going on inside him. His voice didn’t carry anymore. “I think I have forgotten how to love them back.”

Anders slowly put his cup down onto the table and moved a bit closer. 

“But…” Danny wiped a hand across his eyes. “Maybe…I don’t know…”  
“Danny.” Seona got up and sat down next to him. She put one hand on his shoulder. “Maybe you can learn it again?”  
Danny could only shrug and closed his eyes. “But… how?”  
“I just… god, I’m so sorry so much shit happened to you.” She closed her fingers around his shoulder and sighed. “But I… I just think that if you take it in small steps, it might work. Just like Anders did. Find the small things you can be happy about. Hang on to those. And… and I’m pretty sure at one point you can start something of a positive feedback loop.”

Danny couldn’t think of anything to say. He still didn’t know what to do. But now he knew what the heart of the matter was, and he knew that there still was a chance of his life, all their lives, getting better. He briefly wondered how old Craig had been when he had lost his parents, and how it would feel not having them anymore. It hurt. Yes, thinking about his parents suddenly not being here anymore was painful. 

Maybe it was a start. It was certainly more than nothing.

* * *

Due to being unable to sleep properly Russell could hardly force himself out of the bed, and it was only because he lived in a dorm that he didn’t oversleep. Still, he was the last one in his clothes and the last one downstairs and hadn’t even time for a coffee before they had to leave to catch the bus. He was furious with himself; he had meant to get up early and call Danny but had forgotten to set his alarm. After sending Danny a text with an apology he kept staring out of the window until they had reached the campus. 

During the first break Russell checked his emails and found he had one of Danny, a rather long one in which he told Russell what he had talked about to both Craig and Anders. Russell was sorely tempted to go skiving and call Danny to talk, but he would have to get back to the hostel to find a really private spot. On top of that, he had a lecture where he and the other three Kiwis had a workgroup, creating a paper together, and he couldn’t just leave them hanging. By the time he would be back at the hostel it would be in the small hours of the night down there. 

Cursing himself Russell replied to the mail but he had no idea of what to say, so he just told Danny to stay strong, and to not hesitate to ask Emma for support. He also wrote how much he missed him, but deleted that line again before sending it. 

Later that morning, he got an incoming text. He had to grin as he replied.

  
  


Russell’s ears were burning and he had a hasty look around even if it wasn’t possible that anyone could see what was on his screen.

Russell shook his head with a fond, mildly exasperated smile.

  
  


Rolling his eyes Russell leaned back in his seat. Danny was definitely more than just a little drunk.

  


Russell put his phone down and had to chuckle. Then he looked at it with his facial expression softening into a wistful smile. Not that he didn’t get it. But he couldn’t get drunk because alcohol was ridiculously expensive in this country. 

With a sigh he slipped the phone into his pocket and picked up his bag. His break was over and he was so not looking forward to linguistics.

* * *

Danny was awoken by his phone and he blinked blearily at the screen until he could make out the letters. Mildly embarrassed by Russell mentioning last night’s text conversation Danny peeled himself out of the blankets, went to the bathroom and made himself a coffee before settling down in the sofa bed. It was equipped with a mountain of pillows of several sizes and a few plaids, and once converted into a bed it made for a great pillow fort and cosy nest. 

After getting comfortable Danny opened his laptop and called Russ.

“Hey!” Russell adjusted the laptop screen for a better angle of the camera. “Hung over?”  
“Nah.” Danny smiled. “I stopped drinking before I was totally plastered.”  
“So you weren’t totally plastered?” Russell grinned.  
“Dude...” Danny took his cup. “If I had been totally plastered I wouldn’t have been able to text.”  
“And sent me dick pics.”

Danny snorted into his coffee. 

“Honestly.” Russell shook his head and tucked a stray curl behind his ear. “You didn’t have to say that it wasn’t yours, though.”  
Taking a sip of coffee, Danny lifted his eyebrows.  
“Like, seriously.” Russell leaned back a bit. “As if I didn’t know your dick on sight.”

This time Danny chuckled, and Russell joined him. 

“So, apart from getting drunk and looking up random dicks on the internet, what are you doing with yourself?”

Danny grinned at Russell over the rim of his cup, but after a moment his grin softened into a smile.

“You know...” He began. “Not much, actually. Trying to sort my thoughts. I talked to your dad, too.”  
Russell nodded. “You said that in your mail, yes. Did it help?”  
Staring into his coffee, Danny didn’t reply for a while. “It did,” he said eventually. “It made me realise...” Then he looked up. “How do I... Russ...” Danny sighed and licked his lips. “How did you learn how... to love your dad?”

Russell closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again he had to blink a few times.

“I’m not really sure,” he said in a low voice. “I remember I was scared of him at first, and after I wasn’t scared of him anymore I just... I don’t know. I liked him, and I began to trust him, and...” 

Russell stared thoughtfully past the screen for a long time and Danny watched him while sipping his coffee.

“I’m not... I don’t think I can pinpoint the exact time or...” He said then. “I just know that... that...” He took a deep breath. “That day in the hospital. When I was so crushed because they had cut off all my hair, and he had gone and shaved his head so I wouldn’t feel so bad about it. I know that was the moment when I realised...” He smiled, eyes soft and slightly moist. “He became my dad. I asked him if I could call him dad and I never thought of him as Anders again. Only Dad. I don’t know when and where it started, but I will never forget that hug.”

Danny sighed so heavily his shoulders dropped. 

“Danny...” Russell leaned forward again and his hand hovered in the air for a moment, as if he had to suppress the urge to touch Danny’s face on the screen. “I don’t know what else to say but... just... do as Seona says. I don’t know if it helps, but I can’t think of anything else.”

They both stared at the screen; they couldn’t even look into each other’s eyes because of that. Danny changed the subject after that and asked Russ about uni, and Russell proceeded to complain about his dreadful linguistics professor and the paper he had to do with the three other Kiwis.

“I swear sometimes I have to bite my tongue so hard it hurts,” Russell said and shook his head. “Like... Viking influences in other parts of the world? And here we sit and trace words of Scandinavian origin through Europe and I’m all like: Hello, you should’ve been in New Zealand twenty years ago!” He huffed.  
“I guess you can’t tell them that, though,” Danny replied with a wink.  
Russell rolled his eyes.  
“Sorry.” Danny lowered his eyes. “Stupid joke.”  
This time Russell shrugged. “It’s okay. And I mean... it’s not as if it isn’t interesting. I mean, it’s fascinating to see where certain words come from, and you wouldn’t believe how far the Vikings spread their language. Sometimes...” He faltered. “Sometimes it’s just hard not to think about... that.”  
Danny took a deep breath. “I can imagine.”

After a pause, Russell visibly tried to shake off that feeling and smiled again. 

“You know what?”  
“What?”  
Russell was grinning again. “Amy... you know, one of the Kiwi girls here? I think she has a bit of a crush on you.”  
Danny almost snorted the last sip of coffee through his nose.  
“No, seriously. They were asking me about you and I showed them a few pictures, and she asks me almost every day about you and gushes about how lucky I am.”  
Wiping a few stray drops of coffee from his beard, Danny gave him a crooked grin.  
“I mean... it’s not as if she’s wrong.” Russell smile softened. “And I keep looking at your pictures.”  
“Which ones?”  
Russell chuckled. “All of them. I can’t even count how many I have on my phone. And I don’t have a bedside table or nightstand for a framed portrait. Just the walls next to my bed, and sometimes I am tempted to print out a few and blue-tack them there.”

Danny put his cup away. “Want me to send you more?”  
“Nah, it’s all right.” Russell smiled and his dimples deepened. “No wanking material.”  
“I couldn’t strategically cover up with my drumsticks anyway. Would be really embarrassing if I could.” Danny winked and Russell laughed.  
“Christ, Danny. I live in a hostel in a four bed dorm, and with communal showers.” Russell brushed a few strands of hair from his face. “They’re separate cubicles with non-transparent doors, but... you know, I am known for having the occasional midnight shower, and I’m pretty sure the girls know exactly why I do that.”  
This time it was Danny who laughed. “Fuck, you poor sod.”  
Russell shrugged with an embarrassed little grin.

They kept on chatting for a while, about Russell’s plans for the weekend – there was a Viking fair and the four Kiwis planned to go there together with a few of the other students – and Danny had to promise Russell again to take Emma up on her offer to talk. Emma was the best listener there was, and Danny promised he would call her.

They ended the call shortly after that. They didn’t mind silence, but staring at each other on a laptop screen wasn’t really being in each other’s company. Danny told Russ to enjoy the fair and Russell told Danny to go and take Emma out for a doughnut or three. 

After a bowl of cornflakes Danny had a shower and dressed, then he called Emma. Neither Craig nor Matt were alive yet; they both were definitely no morning persons. Danny prepared the coffee maker so the push of a single button was enough to get some coffee going, put two cups next to it and left the house to pick up Emma.

* * *

They had bought doughnuts and a coffee and a hot chocolate to take away, and had found themselves a nice little beach to sit down and talk. It wasn’t just any beach, though. It was the beach where Russ and Danny had been back then, where they had burned their regrets and cast the ashes away into the wind. 

They sat down on the blanket Emma had taken along and settled down with their paper cups and the bag of doughnuts and Danny told her about Craig and Anders and his own realisations.

They didn’t talk for a long time afterwards, and just kept on staring out towards the incoming tide. The wind played with strands of Danny’s hair, and at one point, Emma picked one of those up and tucked it behind his ear. 

Danny pulled up his knees and rested his forearms on them, letting his hands hang down. 

“I miss him,” he said after a moment, then shook his head. “Christ, I’m pathetic.”  
“I don’t think so,” Emma said and moved a little closer.  
“Not?” Danny turned his head to look at her. “As if I wasn’t a grown man able to deal with his life?”  
“Danny you know as well as I do that this isn’t your normal life, for fuck’s sake.”  
“Well I should be able to handle a crisis as well.”  
“And you are,” Emma said a little sharper. “But don’t you dare to tell me you wouldn’t be coping better if he was here.”

Danny dropped his head.

“Danny.” Emma’s eyes softened and lowered her voice. “Danny, baby...” She draped an arm around his shoulders. “Hey. Of course you miss him. We all do. I miss him like fuck too and I’m not even in love with him.”  
Danny could only shake his head.  
“Danny. Baby, come on. I mean...”

“Yeah, I know.” Danny lifted his head and looked out towards the sea. “I know. I just... I had no idea. I had no idea I would miss him that much. I mean... it’s not as if we’ve only been an item since last month, right? It’s been two years and a bit more, and...”  
“What has that got to do with anything?” Emma interrupted him. “Do you love him any less than you did two years ago?”

It took Danny a moment to answer. “No.”  
“See. Why should you miss him any less, then?”  
Danny shrugged.  
“Baby...” Emma nudged Danny’s temple with her forehead. “You belong together. I mean even I thought at first that you should just figure out your shit and blow off those hormones, but it was pretty clear pretty soon that you weren’t just crushing on each other.”

A gust of wind blew more of Danny’s hair into his face and he brushed it away and behind his ears. 

“I just...” Danny swallowed. “I didn’t think I would miss him that much. Even before this shitstorm. And now... yeah. I know I’d be coping better if he was here. And it... that... fuck. Emma, it scares me.”  
Emma moved even closer. “Why?”  
“Because....” Danny stared at the waves, and the sun reflecting on the water created bright shards of light that hurt his eyes. He could pretend it was because of that and not of what was going on inside him that his eyes were burning. Or not. “Because of... because of how... how vulnerable I feel. I don’t... I don’t get it. I should be able to do this. And here I’m just scraping by and sometimes... I just feel as if I’m hanging on by my fingernails. How can... it’s fucking scary. I can’t...” His voice petered out into a whisper. “I should be able to live without him...”

“You can,” Emma said softly. “But you don’t want to.”  
“But I could!” Danny looked at her again, gritting his teeth. “Before I met him I was fine, I had everything under control! But now... I met him, and... I mean... my life has never... but I can’t... Fuck!” 

He jumped up and kicked up the sand before he strode towards the water line. The sudden move had dislodged his hair and the wind now blew it all over the place. Danny brushed it out of his face and tied it back in a messy ponytail with the elastic he had slipped onto his wrist. 

“I could cope before I met him,” he whispered when Emma had reached his side. “Why can’t I cope anymore when he’s not here?”  
“You know what?” Emma looked at him. “Russell asked me the very same thing, back then after your break-up. “I don’t know... but I think it’s... I think the best way to put this is that you’re each other’s strength.”

Danny very slowly turned his head to look at her. Emma calmly met his eyes.

“Okay,” she said. “I’ve never met two people so in love. And you’re not just that, right? I’ve seen it more times than I can count, really. In any situation when Russell’s getting stressed or is under pressure, you just step closer to him and he just straightens up again and takes it on. And every time you’ve been really down with all the shit going on in your life he just touched you and... I don’t even know how to describe it.” She took a deep breath. “Just with being there, he took a huge chunk of that load off your shoulders. You know, after the first time I realised that I began to look for it. It happens so often, and neither of you two was ever aware of when it happened.”

With a deep and heavy sigh, Danny looked into the waves again. 

“Danny.” Emma rested one hand on his back, between his shoulders. “You two are more than the sum of your parts. I don’t know if or what or how... but if I should ever have to use the term soulmates it would be for you.”  
Danny snorted and crossed his arms. “Can you not give me that spiritual crap?”  
“Is it?” Emma dropped her hand and stepped around him to look at Danny’s face. 

“Crap? Spiritual crap? You, wearing a Thor’s hammer pendant, and your lover is the son of an incarnation of a Norse god... and you tell me that fate has meant you to be together is spiritual crap? Seriously?”

Danny was gritting his teeth so hard it hurt, and his breathing was picking up speed while simultaneously, something cold crept down his spine that made every hair on his body stand on edge. 

Emma stepped back and slung both arms around him, and Danny uncrossed his arms again and draped one of his arms around her. 

“I guess...” He began hesitantly. “All that talk about being our own persons and having our own shit to do... all that about not being a symbiotic life form... I’ve just been lying to myself, haven’t I?”  
“Maybe not symbiotic,” Emma said softly. “But you’re two halves of a whole.”

They spent some time staring out at the sea and the glittering reflections dancing on the crests of the waves.

“I only...” Danny finally began hesitantly. “I just... I promised him I would keep him safe. Make him feel safe. Just... why the fuck did I think letting him go was something I had to do?”  
“I don’t know.” Emma leaned closer. “Maybe you had to, maybe not. I don’t know. Maybe because you couldn’t... I mean, no one can just admit to themselves that they’d need another person in their life that much.”  
“I just... I don’t... so maybe I need him, but I fucking want him too. I just want him back, and I... I mean even back then, during the breakup, even when I was absolutely furious I still missed him!” Danny wiped a hand across his eyes. “And I just... I want him back. And then I’ll never let him go again.”  
“That sounds rather possessive,” Emma said cautiously.

“I know.” Danny looked down at her. “But you know I’d never hold him against his will, right? I just... I don’t get it. I want to keep him safe and just tear everyone apart from limb to limb who has ever given him shit, and at the same time...” He swallowed hard. “Sometimes I feel that if he ever whistled and slapped his thigh I’d come running to sit at his feet.”  
“You know, if I didn’t know both of you so well and didn’t know how you are around each other I’d be really worried now.”  
Danny shrugged. “It’s how I feel.”  
“I know.” Emma tilted her head with a tiny smile. “And you don’t even feel bad about it, right?”

Smiling crookedly, Danny shook his head. “No. I worship the ground he walks on. But don’t tell him that.”  
Emma chuckled. “Maybe you should prepare a ritual sacrifice for when he gets home.”  
“He will ritually sacrifice my dick if I so much as think about it,” Danny gave back. “And what would I sacrifice anyway?”  
“Hm.” Emma frowned at her feet. “Virgins are really hard to come by these days.”  
“Yeah.” Danny huffed out an amused breath. “Too late for that.”  
“But you totally would sacrifice your virginity for him, wouldn’t you?” Emma asked with a mischievous little grin.

Danny had to laugh. “I already did,” he chuckled. “And I...” His smile vanished and came back after a moment, but with a very different quality.  
“Hm?” Emma nudged him in the ribs.  
“I just...” Danny shook his head with an incredulous little smile. “I was a cock virgin when we met, right? I’ve never had any dick before. So really... his was the first dick I ever touched and... It’ll be the last. So I wasn’t technically a virgin when... but I sort of was, still. Guy on guy, I mean.”  
“Maybe we can use you as the virgin sacrifice then.”  
Danny very slowly looked down at her. “We?”  
“Well I’m his priestess.”  
“He would skin both of us.”

They chuckled and Emma snuggled up against him. Danny closed his arms around her and they spent a long time just standing there looking at the waves.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New experiences and unexpected gifts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to eeftheotter for the help with the photoedits and filikilithorinforever for invaluable information about clinical practice (because it so happens someone close is becoming a paramedic, isn't that handy).
> 
> * * *

That Sunday evening in Danny’s home had been awkward and silent, especially during dinner. Danny had looked neither at his mother nor his father for any significant amount of time, and their conversation had been reduced to requests to pass the potatoes or the salt. 

Danny went to bed early and exchanged a few texts with Russell, and could hardly fall asleep filled with nervous excitement as he was. 

He was quick to get his stuff together the next morning and as he was eating his breakfast, his mother came downstairs and asked him if she should do his hair. After an awkward moment of silence that Danny needed to finish chewing he agreed and sipped his coffee while his mother braided his hair. It still felt weird. But somehow, weird in a good way.

He didn’t get much more time or head space to dwell on that thought. Of course there wasn’t much going on during that first day, and not for the first week, in fact. They got familiar with the location, had a bit more theory and lessons but also started on small things like injecting saline solution into sponges.

But the first time Danny saw an ambulance from the inside, he felt instantly calm and while eager, not nervous anymore at all. This was where he belonged. This was what he had to do, and wanted to do. By this time next year, he would be working shifts and do actual paramedicine. 

When he came home from that first day though, the first thing he did was raid the kitchen. 

“Daniel?” His mother poked her head into the kitchen to watch him gobble down a sandwich. “I was about to start dinner.”  
“Sorry Mum.” Danny took a banana from the fruit bowl. “I’m starving. I had no idea, really... I mean, I packed a lunch! I had no idea I could get so hungry while not doing much!”  
His mother chuckled. “Good thing I did the grocery run today. There’s enough bread for more sandwiches tomorrow.”  
“Thanks.” Danny disposed of the banana peel. “What’s for dinner?”  
“Potato bake.”

Danny smiled at her and then headed upstairs for a shower and after that, he changed into track pants and a T-shirt. His eyes fell onto his reflection in the mirror on the wardrobe door, and after a moment he took the Deathwish T-shirt off and put on another one without a logo. 

He crawled into his bed shortly after dinner and texted Russ, gushing about his day, but when his phone announced the reply he was already oblivious to the world.

* * *

Russell knew that when he didn’t get a reply to his text that Danny had fallen asleep, and he just send another message with a heart emoji wishing him sweet dreams. 

He wasn’t in a good state of mind that day, though. He couldn’t focus and his thoughts kept on wandering back to Auckland – of course, where else – and not even the prospect of the upcoming field trips could really distract him. The program was quite extensive and started with visits to two historical sites: the [Borrehaugene](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borre_mound_cemetery), or Borre Mound Cemetery, and [Kaupang](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kaupang), an old settlement; both south of Oslo and not very far away. 

The week after they would go to [Stiklestad Nasjonale Kultursenter](http://stiklestad.no/historie/), built where Norway’s most important historical battle had taken place. The Battle of Stiklestad in 1030 became the deciding moment of the country’s transition from paganism to Christianity, and had turned the king who had fallen into St Olaf, the most important saint in Norway. That in itself didn’t pose a problem, what was, or might become a problem, was the fact that it was close to Trondheim and that they would be staying there for two nights.   
Russell wasn’t looking forward to re-visiting Trondheim, but it didn’t give him anxiety issues. Not yet, at least. 

The last part was a visit to [Lofotr Vikingemuseum](http://www.lofotr.no/), but that would first be in May because no one in their right mind wanted to run around doing fieldwork on the Lofoten Islands in March. Unless they were a Viking and impervious to cold and nasty weather. Russell might have a few Viking genes, but not nearly enough for that.

So during the following days Russell and Danny hardly talked. Both of them were busy and up early in the morning that week, so they just texted every now and then and waited for the weekend. 

And during those days, Auckland was hardly on Russell’s mind after all while he was out there. Out there wearing solid boots and an outdoor jacket and a thick scarf, with a clipboard in his hand and the wind tossing his hair around, he could forget he was homesick. Kneeling down in the moss and looking at a stone and the carvings that cunning hands had made almost a thousand years ago turned him back into the excited little boy who absorbed all things Viking like a sponge, and wanted to know everything there ever was to know.

He didn’t realise it until Tuesday evening when he was engaged in a heated discussion about a particular stone and its inscriptions over a cup of tea. On the backside of that stone, on the very bottom, someone had scratched the Viking equivalent of _Gunnar was here_ under the precious historically invaluable runes, which was almost as old as the intricate carvings on the front. That led to talk about the Vikings regarding where they went because of other anecdotes of Viking graffiti that had been found all over Europe. 

Europe. True, the Vikings had been travelling half the world, had even crossed the Atlantic Ocean, but if this was what he wanted to do, then he couldn’t do that in New Zealand. The Scandinavian emigrants coming there in the nineteenth century hadn’t been Vikings anymore, and those who had been true Vikings had left no traces, had vanished from the pages of history. And it wasn’t something any scholar was supposed to unearth. It certainly wasn’t something Russell wanted to delve into.

But then he also remembered that he and Danny had been making plans, year before last, during their first summer together, to go to Norway or northern Europe for a year or two after both of them had their diplomas. Brushing his hair back with one hand Russell smiled again; it would be awesome to show Danny around here, show him Oslo and Trondheim, and they could visit Scotland and Ireland too.

A year or two with Danny up here would be worth everything, Russell decided. He just needed to make it through to June.

* * *

Three days later Russell was back in Oslo, and after he had dealt with his laundry he just fell into bed without dinner. He and Danny had agreed on a Skype chat Saturday morning, which was Friday evening in Auckland, and he had already set his alarm Thursday afternoon. No oversleeping this time. 

Since the lounge in the hostel was deserted on a Saturday morning Russell was alone when he called Danny after he had settled down with his coffee, and Danny instantly replied. He looked tired, which wasn’t a surprise after his first week of work out in practice, but he was unstoppable. Russell listened to him gushing on and on while sipping his coffee and his smile grew wider and wider. Danny was fucking adorable like this. 

Eventually Danny had gone through everything he had to tell, and now it was Russell’s turn to talk about his own week. He got as excited as Danny, and Danny was honestly interested and asked tons of questions. 

In the end, they had talked for more than two hours when they began to run out of topics of conversation. Danny yawned so hard Russell couldn’t stop himself from yawning in sympathy. 

“So,” Russell said after drinking the rest of his coffee. “You look tired.”  
“I am fucking tired,” Danny replied with a smile.  
“Go to bed?” Russell suggested.  
“I’d better.” Danny looked down for a moment. “Can’t sit here staring at a screen for fuck knows how long anyway.”  
“No.” Russell bit his lips. “But hey, wanna chat again tonight? I mean, tomorrow morning?”

Danny’s smile was back. “Sure, but it has to be early. I got somewhere to be at nine.”  
“So seven?”  
“Let’s make that eight.”  
“Okay.”  
“All right,” Danny said and scratched his beard. “You got any plans for the weekend?”  
“Nah.” Russell leaned back and adjusted the laptop. “I’ll be putting up my feet and look forward to next week.”  
“Right. Where are you going then?”  
“Kaupang,” Russell replied. “First known Norwegian trading post.”  
“Sounds fascinating.”  
Russell nodded enthusiastically. “Oh yes. I am so looking forward to that!”  
“I can imagine,” Danny gave back with a chuckle. “But I really have to hit the sack now.” He yawned again.

“Okay, you.” Russell’s smile softened. “Go to bed. Sweet dreams.”  
“Thanks.” Danny sighed and yawned again. “Jesus fucking Christ,” he muttered. “Right, this is me. Good night.”  
“Night, Danny.”

Russell stared at the laptop and the Call Ended on his screen for a moment longer before he closed it. He sighed and went to make himself another coffee.

* * *

They had a little chat again when it was Saturday evening and Saturday morning respectively, but since Danny had to be somewhere they ended it after half an hour. And since Danny, together with Emma, had promised Matt and Craig to help with spring-cleaning the house the next day they didn’t chat again that weekend. 

Monday started early for both of them again, and again, their conversations were reduced to short calls and texts. With Danny at work when Russell slept and Russell out doing fieldwork while it was night in Auckland there wasn’t much of either. 

And then Russell would miss another birthday party, Matt’s this time, whose birthday was on Wednesday, but the party would be Saturday night. So there was another party in Westmere where he couldn’t be while he was sitting in Oslo in a hostel without enough money to go out and have a drink or two. A beer cost an arm and a leg up here. It was fucking ridiculous.

But when Russell came back to the hostel on Friday, the receptionist handed him a large, padded envelope. It had an airmail and a first priority sticker, and Russell took it with shaky fingers and a fluttering stomach. Yes, it was from New Zealand. And yes, the sender was Danny. Russell couldn’t get into his room fast enough. 

He dropped his bag next to his bed, took off his shoes and fell onto the bed, eagerly tearing the envelope open. There was a bag of Jet Planes and a twin pack of pineapple lumps. Then there was a postcard of Auckland, but there were only a few lines in Danny’s atrocious writing. 

Shaking his head, Russell put the card and the candy aside and looked into the envelope again. There was a booklet wrapped in several layers of plastic. Two plastic bags, in fact. Russell was bursting with curiosity as he removed the plastic bags. Then he faltered.

It was a black cardboard folder, embossed with the logo of the same photographer Russell had been to for the pictures that had been Danny’s birthday presents. Now his hands were shaking in earnest and he had to swallow hard. 

There was a portrait, in colour, and Russell bit his lips as he looked at it. Just Danny, his hair hanging around his face, chin resting on his hands, and there was the hint of a smile and a twinkle in his eyes. Russell’s throat went dry. Danny... his Danny. 

He cautiously turned the page and the next one made his vision blur. He had to wipe his eyes and his heart was racing. This one was monochrome; and there was Danny, his Danny, in his combat boots and the leather coat, but he was bare-chested underneath. And he was standing next to his drum kit, giving Russell a dark come-hither look coupled with a smirk. 

“I thought you wouldn’t send me any wanking material,” Russell muttered under his breath before he turned the page again. 

He froze and his mind went utterly blank for the duration of several heartbeats.

To ever see Danny naked in front of his drum kit was something that had featured in Russell’s wildest dreams. To see it now, on a photograph, made heat pool in his stomach and his skin began to tingle. Not only because of the sheer hotness of the picture, but also because of the fact that Danny had really gone and had a nude picture taken of him. 

Russell had never asked but he was absolutely positive that Danny had never undressed in front of anyone, had never been naked in the vicinity of anyone he wasn’t having sex with. He had told Russell himself that even the thought of there being nudes of him freaked him out. 

And here he had suddenly gone commando for a picture – for nothing more than giving Russell a present. 

Not that you could actually see anything. Everything about his posture was perfectly positioned, and Russell realised he had been staring at Danny’s abdomen in a desperate search for at least a hint of dark curls. To no avail. Russell adjusted his crotch with a heavy sigh. 

“God, Danny... Now what am I going to do?”

A very good question. Another midnight shower to start with, probably. But for now he couldn’t do anything because his three roommates showed up and Amy, as usual curious about anything concerning Danny, asked what he had gotten. There were squeals of joy when he showed them the Jet Planes but he kept the pineapple lumps to himself. 

“And then Danny went and had some pictures taken with a professional photographer.” Russell looked wistfully at the folder. “As if I needed anything to make me any more homesick.”  
“Oh! Can I see?” Amy flopped down next to him on the bed. “Or is that classified?”

Russell smiled and shook his head, then showed her the portrait. 

“Oh god, I fucking hate you, Russ.” Amy sighed theatrically. “Can you drop me a text when you break up?”  
Now Russell had to laugh. “Forget that. We’re not going to break up.”  
“Have you set a date yet?”  
“Not yet,” Russell said with a wink.  
“Oh my god!” Amy shook her head. “And which one of you proposed?”  
“He did.”

Now the other two joined them on Russell’s bed, with Rachel sitting down on his other side and Lara next to Amy. 

“Honestly?” Rachel asked. “You’re going to get married?”  
Russell nodded and stared at his ring.  
“Is that...” Amy asked cautiously.  
Russell nodded again. “He gave me his Nana’s engagement ring. She died suddenly two years ago and she was... they were very close. And this is his most treasured possession, his heirloom... and he gave it to me. Said it’s my engagement ring now.”  
“Shitballs,” Amy said. “No chances then.”  
“As much as a paper dog chasing an asbestos cat through hell.” Russell looked up at her with a small smile. 

Amy shrugged and got up, and the three girls started to unpack and sort through laundry while Russell kept staring at the pictures. Eventually he left his bed though and went downstairs to reception to ask if he could borrow some blue-tack. Back in his room he carefully stuck both the portrait and the drum kit picture to the wall next to his bed – which earned him another set of dramatic sighs from Amy – and stretched out on the bed to look at them. The third picture stayed in the cardboard folder. Wrapped in the plastic bags and stowed safely away in his locker.

No, he didn’t really need any more reminders of how gorgeous Danny was, and how much he missed him, but now he had those gorgeous and amazing pictures so he might as well enjoy the view. And the memory of the third one. He deemed it wise not to look at that one too often. 

That evening the girls went out to a party, but it was a girls night so Russell was left alone which suited him fine. His thoughts wandered this way and that, but they always came back here, to him looking at those pictures. And he couldn’t even talk to Danny about it yet because he was still at work. He would have to wait until tomorrow morning. And he had no idea what to do with his thoughts until then. 

Until he thought of that he could just write them down. He grabbed his backpack and took his notepad and a pen, and started writing. 

_Dear Danny_

_I’m not even sure you’ll ever read this, but if you do I decided to send it after all. Right now, I’m just writing it to sort my thoughts._

_I got the pictures today. And honestly, I hope you’re aware of that I never gave those pics to you so I could get some in return. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, they’re gorgeous and amazing, just as you are. I just hope you didn’t feel pressured or obliged to return the favour._

_That being said, I can’t even tell you how much I love them. And even if that probably wasn’t your intention, they make me more homesick than I was before. But I keep looking at them anyway and even if it hurts a bit, it kind of hurts in a good way, you know? I miss you like fuck, but I look at this and I know you’ll be waiting for me down there._

_The girls here have asked me a few times if I’m not afraid our relationship might not survive this, but I can honestly say that thought hadn’t even crossed my mind until they asked me. And even now that it has, I just shrug and can also honestly say that this is the one thing that doesn’t worry me. Not one whit._

_I know you’ll be there when I come back. I just do. I can’t even imagine you’re not being there even if I try. You know, sometimes it worries me a bit, and I don’t know if you feel the same about it, but I think I might be too clingy. Too focussed on you. I keep wondering if it is wrong that sometimes, you’re the only thing I can think of. As if you’re the most important thing in my life. The only thing that matters._

_But I can’t even be bothered. Because to me, you are the most important thing. The only thing that matters. Sometimes I think that nothing else matters as long as I’m with you. As long as we’re together I don’t care if the apocalypse hits, with or without zombies._

_I know that sounds terribly soppy. But at the end of the day, I can’t change what I feel. Maybe it’s wrong. I tried telling myself that I can’t be around you 24/7 anyway. That we’re not a symbiotic life form. That I need personal space away from you. But you know what?_

_Fuck that._

_Because I don’t want personal space. I just want you. Right now I want to crawl into your embrace and sleep there for a year. You said to me you want to make me feel safe. And I am safe. I said it back then, and I say it again now: There’s peace in your arms. I just feel that as long as you’re at my side I can take on anything. I’m not afraid of anything, and it doesn’t even make sense._

_But I thought about this, and the longer I think, the less I care about what might be right or wrong. So I cling too much. So I feel as if I can spend the rest of my life happy and in peace as long as I can feel your arms around me, hear your voice and make music with you._

_Coming here was a stupid idea. Not only because I miss you so much it hurts, but also because sometimes, I’m not sure all of this makes sense any more. I feel kind of lost sometimes. And of course I wonder if I was coping better if you were here. And I’m pretty sure I would._

_Maybe, no, most likely, there are people who say it’s not healthy to cling to a person that much. I hope you’re not one of them, but deep down I know you’re not. You said you’ll always have my back, and I believe it. I don’t even need to believe it because I know it. And I don’t need anyone’s fucking permission to be with you. I know we belong together. People who think it’s wrong can go hang._

_I know what you are to me. My strength, my rock, my anchor. My lyrics, my melody, my song. You’re everything I want and everything I need._

_Is this madness?_

_Maybe it is. But if it is, then I’ll gladly howl to the moon for the rest of my life._

_Maybe this is all TMI. Maybe it isn’t. I had to sort my feelings, but it all comes down to this one thing:_

_I can live without you, Danny. But I don’t want to. You’re a part of me, and I’m a part of you. Without you I will never feel whole again._

_I miss you, but I guess you know that by now. And once I’m home again I will never leave you again. I promise._

_Take care of yourself, Danny._

_Love,_   
_Russell_

Russell lowered the pen and sighed. And some of the words he had just written got stuck in his head and started drifting around. 

With a hasty move Russell removed the pages he had written and picked up the pen again. 

It just happened, as it did so often. The lyrics were just there, and he could hardly write them down fast enough. He just scribbled as fast as he could, and after that he went back to cross out a word here, replace one there, and in the end the whole sheet looked as if someone had tried to write three poems at once without being able to spell properly.

He tore it out and after a deep breath, wrote it down again. 

It was on the soppy side, all right. It was nothing he could ever imagine performing, with or without Jormungand. But he didn’t need to. It was for Danny. For them, but mostly for Danny. He debated with himself for a moment, but then he added the sheet with the song to the letter and folded them neatly before putting on his shoes. 

He went to the nearest post office, bought a pack of envelopes and slipped the sheets inside one of those. After waiting in the queue for a few minutes he gave the letter to the clerk to pay the postage, but he didn’t get any second thoughts. 

Hands shoved into his pockets, Russell walked back to the hostel, his song on his mind and the pictures before his inner eyes.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He _is_ the son of Bragi. For better or for worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note
> 
> If you can’t read the handwriting, [here’s](http://lakritzwolf.tumblr.com/moonsinger) the song in normal print.
> 
> I came across an [LJ post ](http://faithfulreader.livejournal.com/13008.html)about gay sex written by a gay man and it taught me a few things that I had no idea about. Maybe I should have, but I didn’t. My boys are going to suffer for it. Sort of. In any case, they discover they had the same knowledge gaps that I had, the two starry-eyed little dorks.
> 
> * * *

Left alone that evening, Russell got comfortable with his laptop and his headphones. But instead of looking for a movie to watch he found himself googling for gay porn without really knowing why. Most of it was crap anyway, and with what he had hidden away in his locker he didn’t really need any visualisation help. 

But what came up as search result, among a lot of sites that beckoned with free porn but where you needed a credit card to actually watch more than two minute clips, was a forum discussion about gay anal sex. 

Intrigued, Russell clicked on that link. 

Ten minutes later, he felt his cheeks burn and a weird churning in his stomach. Not because those things were gross or kinky, but because he felt like the worst failure of a rookie ever.

What with him having watched and read porn he had been sure he knew the essential particulars and would be able to figure out the rest with practice. He hadn’t been wrong, as such. But, as he learned now, there was a bit more to it than what he knew. Believing that sex was sex and that it was more or less straightforward he had never thought to delve into this on a technical level, but now he realised that there were things he should have known earlier. 

And he and Danny had been having sex now for more than two years, though the whole anal penetrative thing hadn’t been going on for nearly as long. And they hadn’t really done it very often, happy and satisfied with oral and hand jobs. Not quite getting why there were guys who said sex without fucking was boring and unfulfilling. 

Apparently, they had been going about this the wrong way. Well, not completely, to be honest. But there were some significant details Russell hadn’t known, and had never thought to look into, and Danny as a guy-on-guy virgin had trusted him to know this stuff. 

Leaning back against the wall Russell dragged both hands down his face. Here he was... having fallen victim to his own stupid assumptions. Again.

“Fuck...” He closed his eyes and sighed. “Idiot. Fucking idiot.”

Only a handful of sentences. But they explained a lot. 

Russell couldn’t remember the last time he had felt as ashamed and embarrassed as he did right now. And since he had no idea how else to bring it up, he sent Danny an email with the link and an apology for being so clueless. 

And now, that he had started, he continued his research to make sure he hadn’t missed anything else. A few times he accidentally walked past the borders and landed in the regions of _Here be Dragons_ and he hit the back button with lightning speed, but it seemed that the few significant details he had found right in the beginning were the crucial pieces he had been missing. 

The next link brought him to a page where the issue was more kinky sex, and as he was about to leave he saw the picture of a guy with his hands tied behind his back.

The memory of Danny under him and his facial expression when Russell had more or less unwittingly trapped his wrist surfaced from his memories, and he began to read, if somewhat hesitant at first. 

And the more he read, the more he was turned on. And by the way Danny had looked, it had turned him on like fuck. Maybe more than he was comfortable with, but they would have to talk about this anyway. They could talk about it, and find out where they stood, and maybe get down to experimenting a bit. There was also a link to a web shop and with his curiosity getting the upper hand Russell ventured there as well. 

There were a few things Russell knew would never happen, things they would never use, but there was a special offer of _buy one get one half prize_ of soft bondage ropes, one black and one red. Grinning to himself he put them into the shopping cart but as he clicked on checkout and was just about to get his wallet and his credit card, he froze.

He stared at the screen. 

Then he deleted the shopping cart, closed the tab, took off his headphones and put the laptop down in front of him. 

“Oh my fucking god...” Russell closed his eyes and swallowed hard.

Fuck, that had been a close shave. He had almost, almost done it again. But at least he hadn’t needed someone to kick his ass to make him see reason but had realised it himself. 

Maybe he was able to learn from his mistakes after all.

Russell took a deep, deep breath and exhaled it as slowly and as long as he could. Then he picked up the laptop again and logged on to WatchIt. The newest episode of The Hobbit was available now and he spent a pleasant hour in Middle Earth before taking a shower – a rather extensive one – and going to bed.

It took him a while to fall asleep, for a multitude of reasons, but eventually he drifted off after all.

* * *

Russell got up early the next morning so Danny wouldn’t have to stay up late, not because he had to get up the next day but because he would be just as dead tired as last Friday. 

He was alone in the lounge again with his laptop and his coffee, so at least here and now he had a bit of privacy.

Danny waved and grinned as he appeared on the screen.

“Hey Russ!”  
“Hi!” Russell smiled and he shook his head. “You absolute nutter.”  
Danny’s grin turned into a little smirk. “Really?”  
“How did you even do that? Did you lug your kit around?”  
“Nah.” Danny grinned. “I made the appointment in the studio.”  
Russell stared at him. “And she had to come there with all her gear? Danny… that must have cost a fortune!”  
“So? I got money for my birthday and I wanted to give you a present, too.”  
“It wasn’t even my birthday!”

Danny chuckled. “Am I not allowed to give you a present when it’s not your birthday?”  
“No. I mean...” Russell huffed. “Of course! But...”  
“But?” Danny’s smile began to fade. “Don’t you...”  
“I love them!” Russell leaned forward. “God, Danny... I love them! I just... I just hope you didn’t feel pressured into...”  
“Russ.” Danny lifted one hand. “No I didn’t. I was just trying to do you a favour.”  
“You did.” Russell leaned back again with a sigh. “I love them, Danny. They’re awesome and... and gorgeous, and... they’re awesome.” He shrugged. “Words fail me.”  
“Now that’s a first,” Danny deadpanned and grinned again. “Glad you like them that much.”

They exchanged a smile. 

“But really,” Russell started again. “I’d never been able to imagine I’d ever see a picture of you like that. You said... I mean, when we talked about nudes...”  
“This isn’t a random nude shot on a phone,” Danny interrupted him gently. “And it wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment thing either. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t exactly plan it but...” 

Danny adjusted his position and crossed his hands at the back of his head. 

“The portrait was planned,” he went on after a moment. “And the topless shot with my kit as well. And of course we talked, you know. She’s awesome, and totally sweet... but you know that, right? We talked, and when she realised that the boyfriend in question was you she asked me what I thought about ‘returning the favour’. Though the way she said it sounded more like ‘getting your revenge’.”

Russell snorted under his breath. 

“Yeah, and then I thought. I mean... at first I tried to just go completely topless but it just didn’t cut it. Doing it wearing boxers would have been ridiculous so it was either all or nothing. Took me a while, but she... I mean, you know her. She was totally matter-of-fact, she’s a professional after all, and she told me I won’t undress in front of her anyway, I do that in the bathroom, and come out wearing a towel or with a shirt down front and then we just get to arranging the pose.”  
“But really...” Russell combed his hair back. “You really didn’t have to do it for my sake...”  
“I know.” Danny smiled at him. “But thinking of what kind of effect that picture of you had on me... it was part returning the favour and part revenge, all right.”

Russell smiled, then chewed his lips for a moment.

“It’s awesome,” he whispered after a moment. “I thought I would faint when I saw that.”  
“Really?”  
The smile was back. “Really. But it was a bit cruel, with no other privacy up here other than in the shower at midnight.”  
“Hm, right.” Danny shrugged with a tiny, crooked smile. “Didn’t think of that.”  
Russell blew a raspberry. “You knew exactly what you were doing.”  
Danny just grinned. “So are you going to start the next round of revenge now?”  
“And what is that?” Russell lifted one eyebrow. “Dick pics?”  
“I was thinking about something more... hands-on, so to speak,” Danny replied. “Like, when you’re back home again.”  
“Ah.” Russell lowered his eyes. “Did you get my mail yet?”

“Russ.” Danny sighed. “I did. And there’s no reason to look like that.”  
Russell looked up again.  
“Like, really.” Danny’s smile softened. “Just means we have a ton of new things to try out. I’m rather looking forward to it.”  
“So do I, but...” Russell licked his lips. “You’re not...”  
“Mad?” Danny huffed out an incredulous little chuckle. “Dude, I didn’t expect you to come with a manual, you know?”  
“But I should’ve...”  
“So should I,” Danny cut in. “I’ve been with guys before you even if it never got anywhere serious, and instead of watching porn I could’ve thought about looking into this a bit more on my own, you know? How many guys have you fucked before me?”  
“None!” Russell snapped.  
“See.” Danny uncrossed his hands and leaned forward again. “If you had done the deed with someone who was more experienced you’d have known. But you didn’t. We were both totally green and maybe a bit starry-eyed, but we didn’t do too bad, right? I’ve got nothing against a bit more...practice.” He winked.

Russell felt most of the tension drain out of him and he closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again Danny smiled at him. 

After a moment of silence Danny asked Russell about his fieldwork destination the following week and told him to take care of himself in Trondheim. Russell assured him that he would, and also told him to enjoy Matt’s party. He asked not to be called as he really didn’t fancy watching other people party without even a single beer to his name, and they ended the call with the promise of another call on Sunday. 

It was only after he had shut his laptop that Russell remembered the letter, and he sent Danny a text about it with an apology for having forgotten. Danny called him an idiot in his reply and said he should stop apologizing so much, and that he was looking forward to it. 

Russell wished him a good night and then went to make another coffee. And against his expectations the rest of that Saturday wasn’t a pit of boredom as he had feared; he and the girls went out to a little get-together at a friend’s place and it turned out that one of his housemates played guitar and owned several. He let Russell borrow one and for the first time since leaving Auckland Russell was able to make music again. They spontaneously decided to stay overnight, and Russell’s mood was better than it had been in weeks when he got back to the hostel the next day.

As promised, Danny called him that evening at eleven. Just not too early to be back in the world of the living after a party and not too late for someone who had to get up the next morning. 

“How was the party?” Russell asked.  
“Mental,” Danny replied with a chuckle. “Two of Matt’s colleagues brought a bowl of punch. I have no idea how much vodka was in that shit, and with all that canned fruit it tasted like bubble gum with toilet cleaner. Some people have no taste buds.”  
“Punch?” Russell shuddered. “For fuck’s sake. Who drinks that stuff?”  
“Beats me. A lot of people, apparently. Though mostly those two idiots who made it. One of them puked all over the kitchen floor and Craig went batshit.”  
“Too much information...” Russell rubbed a hand across his eyes. “Bloody hell...”  
“Yeah so... he did clean it up, but the general consensus this morning is that Matt won’t invite any of his colleagues over for a party anymore.”

“Poor sod.” Russell shook his head. “Having his own party ruined.”  
“Nah.” Danny shook his head with a flick of his hand. “Party wasn’t ruined. He kicked them out afterwards and we did some jamming and went back to beer.”  
“Okay, that’s not so bad then.”  
“Nope.” Danny chuckled. “And we have a new OTP.”  
“What?” Russell was about to take a sip of tea and now blinked at Danny over the rim of his cup.  
“Yeah, so...” Now Danny was grinning. “Craig and Janice are an item since last night.”  
Russell almost dropped his cup. “What the fuck?”  
Danny laughed.

“No seriously.” Russell took a quick sip of his tea. “How long have the two been crushing?”  
“Dunno.” Danny scratched his chin. “I had a hunch since my birthday party, when the two spent half the night in the bike shed talking about bikes, but according to them, talk is all they did. But you don’t just sit a whole night somewhere talking about your passion with every Tom, Dick and Harry, especially when it’s mutual.”  
“No.” Russell smiled again and sighed. “Crap, I wish I’d been there.”  
“Yeah... me too.” Danny smiled wistfully and shrugged. “Watching other people snog like crazy makes me feel kinda lonely.”  
“Tell me about it,” Russell replied. 

They looked at their screens in silence, and shortly after ended the call because Russell had to go to bed.

* * *

Danny started the next week with his first ambulance ride although it was nowhere near an emergency, just ferrying a patient from the care home to hospital and back. She was a lovely old lady, tiny and wrinkled but with bright eyes, and while frail, still totally clear in the head. 

She kept chatting with Danny after he had measured her blood pressure and told him that he would need to meet her great-granddaughter.

“She’s lovely,” she said. “And so lonely after that ridiculous wanker dumped her.”  
“I’m sure she is, Mrs Thompson.” Danny felt a bit awkward, but she was just too sweet. “But I am not... uh...”  
“Oh, then you have to meet her cousin George,” she went on without missing a beat. “He’s lovely too. A ginger, you know, freckles and everything. He’s adorable.”  
“He would be,” Danny replied with a chuckle. “But I’m already spoken for.”  
“Ah bollocks,” the old lady muttered. “I hope your young man realises how lucky he is.”  
“I’m sure he does,” Danny said while ignoring his colleagues who were unsuccessfully trying to suppress snorts behind his back.

During his lunch break Danny was very pensive and more than a little sad. That a fragile old lady close to ninety had such a laid-back approach to sexual orientation when his own father had so much trouble to accept that his son wasn’t straight... True, he was trying to get over himself, but in an ideal world he wouldn’t have to. In an ideal world, he would have accepted and loved his son just as he was, and not failed in letting him know that he was fine the way he was.

Danny put his sandwich down and sighed. Too bad there was no such thing as an ideal world.

* * *

Russell started his week with a short-haul flight from Oslo to Trondheim. Just an hour, and then half an hour transfer from the airport by bus. But as Russell looked out of the window of the plane all he could think of was another 30 hour nightmare in transit before he was finally home again, even if it was more than three months until then.

“Hello Trondheim,” he muttered under his breath as he had a look around after stepping off the shuttle bus. “Long time no see.”

They got settled in a hostel and the first item on the agenda was a visit to the cathedral and the associated museum. During the bus ride Russell stared out of the window in silence, during the visit of both the cathedral and the museum he wasn’t really attentive. 

When they left the museum Russell kept looking up every time he heard a rustling branch, but there were no squirrels. So Trondheim wasn’t giving him anxiety issues, but it was giving him the fucking creeps.

His next days were filled with the topic of transition from paganism to Christianity. Talks about how symbols and old beliefs became integrated in the new ones. How sacred places had been turned into churches. How the old gods passed into nothing more than legends and stories. 

And emigrated to New Zealand.

“Russ?”  
“Uh?” Russell blinked as he was torn out of his thoughts by a nudge of Amy’s elbow. “Sorry... I think I drifted.”  
“Thousand Yard Stare.” Amy nodded. “Did you hear one word of what I was saying?”  
Russell took a deep breath. “I don’t think so, sorry. I’m really having troubles with my concentration today.”  
“I can see that.” Amy shut her book. “Let’s grab a coffee and see how far the others have gotten.”  
“Good idea.”

He left the books to focus on coffee. Coffee made everything better. Or at least, more bearable.

* * *

During that week, Danny finally got the hang of the whole braiding thing. His mother had done his hair every morning until then because it was faster and more reliable, but that Thursday he finally managed it on his own for the first time. After two failed attempts, but still. And it didn’t even look half bad, either.

And when he came home that afternoon, knackered after a day that had been one string of unpleasant events involving bodily fluids and excretions of various kinds and proportions, there was an envelope waiting for him on the dining table. Grinning like an idiot he dashed upstairs and placed it onto his desk. He wanted to relax before reading to be able to savour it so he had a shower first. 

Then he got comfortable on the bed and opened the envelope.

As he read, his heart began to beat a little faster. Because he read all those things and realised that it were pretty much the same things that he and Emma had talked about. Not that it really surprised him that he and Russell felt the same about each other and all that, but to see it written black on white in Russell’s beautiful handwriting was making his heart ache. 

You’re each other’s strength, Emma had said. You’re more than the sum of your parts. You’re two halves of a whole.  
Which was exactly what Russell was saying too. 

_Is this madness? Maybe it is. But if it is, then I’ll gladly howl to the moon for the rest of my life._

“I don’t know, Russ,” Danny whispered as he lowered the sheet. “But we can howl to the moon together.”

It was then that he saw the third sheet that wasn’t part of the letter. He unfolded that too and smiled when he recognised a song or poem, but at that moment his mother called for dinner and he put it down again to read it in peace and quiet later.

He did so after dinner; he was tired and already in bed when he finally picked up the sheet again and unfolded it. But when he started reading, he was very slowly losing his ability to breathe.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


For a long time Danny just kept wiping his eyes and eventually, he slipped the sheet under his pillow before switching off the light. 

It took him a long, long time to fall asleep that night.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past comes back to haunt him after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I did proper scholarly research and copy-pasted Wikipedia and it perfectly emulates a boring professor. I do not claim any responsibility for jaw injuries due to yawning.
> 
> I also have to give you a tissue warning.
> 
> * * *

When Russell’s phone rang that Thursday afternoon half past five, just as they had arrived back at the hostel in Oslo, he was half worried, half excited when he saw that the caller was Danny. He hurried upstairs into his room and fell onto the bed as he accepted the call.

“Hey Danny! You’re up early!”  
There was a heavy silence on the other end.  
“Danny?” Russell sat up again, his fingers suddenly trembling. “Danny?”  
Danny’s voice was hoarse. _“God, Russ...”_  
“Danny!” Russell tried to keep his breathing calm. “What the fuck has happened?”  
_“I...”_ Danny took a deep breath. _“I got your letter yesterday.”_

Russell fell back onto the mattress with a heavy groan. “Jesus fucking Christ, don’t scare me like that! I thought you were in the hospital or something!”  
_“Russ...”_ Danny’s voice was husky, and it sounded as if he was fighting his tears. _“I just...”_  
“Hey...” Russell lowered his voice. “Hey,” he said again, softly and with a smile. “I didn’t think that letter would have such an effect on you.”

Danny cleared his throat. _“It wasn’t the letter as such,”_ he said, voice still a bit husky. _“It was that... the song...”_  
“Oh.” Russell bit his lips and shook his head. “It was a bit on the sappy side and I thought... I thought it would make you smile...”  
_“You have no idea...”_ Danny whispered. _“You have absolutely no idea. I mean, the letter was... it wasn’t bad, but you know, you wrote the same things that Emma said to me, and... but the song, that was...”_ He swallowed audibly. _“No one has ever written a love song for me,”_ he went on in a shaky voice. _“I mean... no one. I don’t care if it’s... I don’t even think it’s sappy, it’s... it’s amazing and...”_ He was fighting his tears again. 

“Oh god, Danny...” Russell closed his eyes. “Hey, come on. Please... I had no idea it would... I would’ve warned you. Come on, please don’t cry or I’m gonna cry too.”  
Danny chuckled softly and cleared his throat again. _“I just don’t know what to say.”_  
“You really don’t have to say anything.” Russell turned onto his stomach. “Really.”

There was a long, somewhat painful pause. There should have been a hug here, but that was impossible, of course. 

“Hey,” Russell finally whispered. “Maybe I can make a melody and sing it for you when I’m home?”  
_“God, Russ...”_ Danny sighed. _“I miss you so fucking much right now that I’m tempted to throw everything and come up there.”_  
“Don’t,” Russell said. “Just... don’t. What you do is important and I’ll be home again in less than half a year.”  
_“It’s too long, somehow. I didn’t think...”_ Danny paused. _“I didn’t think it would be this hard.”_  
“Neither did I.” Russell closed his eyes. “Neither did I.”

Russell clung to his phone in silence, and he knew that Danny was doing the same. But they had to say goodbye again, because Danny had to get up and go to work. After he had ended the call Russell turned around again and stared at the underside of the top bunk, and then turned his head to look at the pictures. His vision blurred and he closed his eyes.

* * *

The topic of old myths continued that Friday, and Monday morning Russell found himself staring at a slipshod PowerPoint presentation with too much text and too many pictures while the professor gassed on about Norse myths. 

“Now let’s look at one of the most central mythical figures, the world tree Yggdrasil,” the professor said and turned around to point at the slide that depicted a classical artist’s interpretation of the tree. “Firstly, we need to ask ourselves where the name of Yggdrasil comes from.”

He turned towards the auditorium again. 

Russell toyed with his pencil and stared at his notepad. He was one of the few students who didn’t have a laptop sitting in front of him as he preferred to take his notes with pen and paper.

“The generally accepted meaning of Old Norse Yggdrasil is Odin's horse, meaning gallows. This interpretation comes about because _drasil_ means horse and _Ygg_ or _Yggr_ is one of Odin's many names. The Poetic Edda poem Hávamál describes how Odin sacrificed himself by hanging from a tree, making this tree Odin's gallows. This tree may have been Yggdrasil. Gallows can be called ‘the horse of the hanged’ and therefore Odin's gallows may have developed into the expression ‘Odin's horse’, which then became the name of the tree.”

Another slide, another picture of the tree. With Odin hanging from one of the branches. 

“Nevertheless, scholarly opinions regarding the precise meaning of the name Yggdrasil vary, particularly on the issue of whether Yggdrasil is the name of the tree itself or if only the full term _askr_ Yggdrasil – where Old Norse _askr_ means ash tree – refers specifically to the tree. According to this interpretation, _askr_ Yggdrasil would mean the world tree upon which the horse – Odin's horse – of the highest god – Odin – is bound. Both of these etymologies rely on a presumed but unattested interpretation of Yggdrasil.”

Russell found himself doodling musical notes and flowers all over the empty page. 

“A third interpretation, presented by F. Detter, is that the name Yggdrasil refers to the word _yggr_ , terror, yet not in reference to the Odinic name, and so Yggdrasil would then mean tree of terror or gallows. F. R. Schröder has proposed a fourth etymology according to which Yggdrasil means yew pillar, deriving _yggia_ from _igwja_ – meaning yew-tree – and _drasil_ from _dher_ – meaning support.”

The next slide showed a picture of a druid, or what the artist thought a druid would look like.

“In Gaulish the word _deru_ means tree as it is used in the word for a bard priest with a pastoral staff, with _Derwydd_ meaning Druid. Druid is _Deru Wydd_ – Tree Witt – as the traditional Celtic saying: The memory of trees.”

Russell looked up during the pause the professor needed to sort through his notes. Around him people shuffled in their seats and here and there were whispering to each other. 

“Now let us look at the origin of the myth,” the professor droned on. He could have taken a job in a clinic for insomniacs. 

“Hilda Ellis Davidson comments that the existence of nine worlds around Yggdrasil is mentioned more than once in Old Norse sources, but the identity of the worlds is never stated outright, though it can be deduced from various sources. Davidson comments that ‘no doubt the identity of the nine varied from time to time as the emphasis changed or new imagery arrived’. Davidson says that it is unclear where the nine worlds are located in relation to the tree; they could either exist one above the other or perhaps be grouped around the tree, but there are references to worlds existing beneath the tree, while the gods are pictured as in the sky with the rainbow bridge Bifröst connecting the tree with other worlds. Davidson opines that ‘those who have tried to produce a convincing diagram of the Scandinavian cosmos from what we are told in the sources have only added to the confusion’.”

 _The roots connect the nine worlds. It’s the roots._ Russell frowned at his paper. 

“Davidson notes parallels between Yggdrasil and shamanic lore in northern Eurasia: The conception of the tree rising through a number of worlds is found in northern Eurasia and forms part of the shamanic lore shared by many peoples of this region. This seems to be a very ancient conception, perhaps based on the Pole Star, the centre of the heavens, and the image of the central tree in Scandinavia may have been influenced by it. Among Siberian shamans, a central tree may be used as a ladder to ascend the heavens.”

Russell put his pen down and leaned back. A deep, churning feeling of unease began to settle in his guts. He pressed his hands flat onto the table to keep his fingers still. 

“Davidson says that the notion of an eagle atop a tree and the world serpent coiled around the roots of the tree has parallels in other cosmologies from Asia. She goes on to say that Norse cosmology may have been influenced by these Asiatic cosmologies from a northern location. Davidson adds, on the other hand, that it is attested that the Germanic peoples worshiped their deities in open forest clearings and that a sky god was particularly connected with the oak tree, and therefore ‘a central tree was a natural symbol for them as well’.”

 _It’s not a symbol..._

Russell closed his eyes. A gust of cold wind tousled his hair. The wall of a gigantic tree trunk rose in front of his eyes. Three women in grey robes appeared. 

_“Leave this place, mortals.”_  
_“Do not look back.”_  
_“Go home.”_

Russell shuddered and the churning in his guts turned into something that was half nausea, half pain. His heartbeat was gushing in his ears.

_It’s not a myth. It’s not a bloody myth. It’s real..._

The rest of the lecture passed him by with him being unable to listen. Almost unable to hear that there was someone talking. He saw snowflakes and he saw a tree and he saw a squirrel riding on his uncle Axl’s shoulders. 

When the lecture was finally over Russell excused himself, saying he wasn’t feeling well, and without hesitation his three friends told him to lie down and rest and promised him to take notes for him during the other lectures.

During the bus ride Russell felt as if he was close to vomiting. When he finally reached the hostel he was close to tears and he stormed up the stairs, dropped his backpack and fell onto his bed without even taking off his shoes. He buried his face into his pillow and went very slowly to pieces.

* * *

It took Russell a good long while to calm down again, and once he had turned onto his back, he pulled his phone from his pocket and looked at it. Early afternoon meant stupid o’clock in the night down in Auckland. 

Russell stared at his phone for a moment longer before he lifted it with trembling fingers. 

It took his father a while to answer, and his voice was low and rough from sleep. _“Russ? What’s wrong?”_  
“I’m sorry...” Russell’s voice was far from steady. “I’m sorry Dad; I know it’s in the middle of the night...”  
_“Russ.”_ He could hear the rustling of bed sheets. _“It doesn’t matter what the time is when you’ve got a problem. What’s wrong?”_  
“Dad, I...” Russell wiped a hand across his eyes. “Can we talk?”  
_“Do you want to take this to Skype?”_  
“I... I think it’s better, yes.”  
_“Hang on. I need a minute or two. Talk to you in a bit.”_  
“Thanks, Dad.”

Russell dropped the phone onto the mattress before him and got his laptop out of the locker. He started Skype and waited. It took Anders less than ten minutes until he called him. 

Russell tried to smile. “Hey.”  
“Russ.” Anders folded his arms onto the table before him. Russell could make out the dining area and the fish tank on the side board behind him. “What is wrong?”  
“I...” It was so hard to put into words. “I was... We had a lecture today about... about the Yggdrasil and...” He wiped a hand across his eyes again. “And I...”

A deep frown formed on Anders’s face. 

“It’s just...” Russell groped for words. “It’s just...” He shook his head, and the tears were back. “Dad... I can’t do this anymore.”  
His father swallowed visibly. “Can’t do what anymore?”  
“This.” Russell tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “Nothing of this makes sense anymore.”

Anders looked at him in silence, his lips pressed tightly together. 

“All of this,” Russell went on. “It’s just... that lecture today, he talked about where the name came from and so on, and then... then the origins of the myth, and similarities with other... other cultures... and...” He shook his head. “And I just... I just couldn’t stop thinking that...” He paused and kept shaking his head, biting his lips while he stared at the keyboard. “It’s not a myth,” he said eventually and looked up again. “It’s not a myth. I know it. I _know_. I’ve been there. The Yggdrasil. I’ve been there. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. I’ve seen... I spoke to the norns themselves!” Russell wiped his tears away with a hasty, jerky move. “I’ve spoken to the norns themselves and I was there, and I’ve seen... I have seen the spirits of the gods incarnated in mortal bodies... and giants, and dark elves, and the light elves... the light elves, they took me to their realm in a dream! I’ve been there! I know...” He broke off and couldn’t suppress a sob. 

“Russ...” Anders’s voice was a rough whisper.

“Dad...” Russell wiped his eyes again. “I _know_. I know too much. I’ve seen it all with my own eyes. I talked to those myths and legends. The norns... they are no representation of parts of the human subconscious mind, no symbol of... I talked to them! I talked to Ratatosk... I talked to a bloody squirrel in old Norse, who lives in the Yggdrasil! Christ, Dad...” Another sob. “I know too much. I can’t... I can never... I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this, and ignore everything I know. I can’t go on and know that every other sentence I read is wrong because I know better, but I can never talk to anyone about it!”

“Oh Russ...” Anders blinked hastily and shook his head. “I’m so sorry...”  
“Don’t be.” Russell wiped a hand across his nose and cheek. “Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault.”  
“But... oh Russ.” Anders closed his eyes for a moment. “You’ve been dreaming of this since you were ten.”

“I know.” Russell could hardly speak, his throat hurt from trying not to cry. “I know. It was all I ever dreamed of. And now... I just... I mean in the beginning I loved it, but I was still trying to figure out what I was going to do with that diploma, you know? I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it and all that knowledge. But now it’s just... it’s not worth it. Nothing of this makes sense anymore. I don’t even... I don’t know what else to do. I never thought about anything else. I have no idea about anything anymore. I don’t know what my life is anymore.” He broke and finally couldn’t stop himself from sobbing anymore, after all. “I just know I can’t do this anymore. I want to go home, Dad. I want to go home and I just... I can’t do this. I know this was all I ever wanted... but now I don’t want it anymore.”

Now his father was visibly fighting his tears as well. “God, Russ... I’m so sorry... I know... this meant so much to you...”  
“I know.” Russell tried to swallow another sob. “I know. God, I know! It hurts. It hurts, but I just... I can’t do this anymore. I want to go home.”

“Then come home,” Anders said after a moment. “Come home, Russ. We figure it out. We get this all sorted.” He took a deep breath. “Do you have enough money left for a ticket?”  
“I don’t know if it’s enough. I can check.”  
“You know what? Forget that.” Anders cleared his throat. “I just transfer some money to your account so it’s enough no matter what. And I do that now. Then you can book the next ticket available. There’s no need to drag this out.”  
“Thank you.” Russell dug into his pocket for a tissue. “Thank you. I’m sorry I had to wake you up.”  
“Russell. I told you to call me when you’ve got a problem no matter the time and I meant it.”  
Russell tried to smile but failed.

He said goodbye to his father and kept staring at the screen. No sense in dragging this out any longer. No sense whatsoever. He opened the browser and started to look for tickets. There were a few available later that week and after checking his bank account, he booked one that was affordable while still not having too many stopovers.

He looked at the time. It wasn’t even five in the morning now in Auckland. And he was staring at the phone again, but finally he called Danny after all. 

_“What the fuck, Russ?”_  
“Sorry,” Russell said. His tears were threatening to come back.  
Danny heard this, of course, and was wide awake in an instant. _“Shit, Russ, what’s wrong?”_  
“I... Danny, I...”  
_“Russell, shit... what the fuck is wrong?”_

It took Russell a moment to get himself together again. Then he told Danny what he had told his father. 

_“Shit...”_ Danny’s voice was unsteady. _“Shit, Russ, I’m sorry... that shouldn’t have happened.”_  
“No...” Russell took a deep, trembling breath. “None of this should have happened. But it did happen, and now I’m just... I feel lost. Danny, I feel so... I just can’t do this and... I’m coming home.”  
_“Oh, Russ...”_  
“I... I just can’t go on like this. I have no idea what to do, and how to go on and... but I can’t stay here. I’m coming home.” Then Russell managed a tiny smile. “I’m coming home. I already booked the ticket. I’m coming home on Friday, Auckland time.”  
_“Friday?”_ Danny asked in a shaky voice. _“This week?”_  
“Yes. This week. Three days, Danny, and I’m home.”  
_“God...”_ Danny swallowed. _“Russ, that’s...”_  
“I’m coming home to you,” Russell whispered. “And then I’ll never leave you again.”

There was a heavy silence on the other end.

“Danny?” Russell asked after a moment. “You still there?”  
_“Yes.”_ It was only a rough whisper. _“Shit... Russell... I shouldn’t be so happy when your whole life has just turned to shit...”_  
“You’re not,” Russell replied with a wistful smile. “You’re not happy, you’re relieved. This nightmare is finally over and... I really have no clue how to go on, but I have you to help me figure it out.”  
_“But I have no idea what I can do...”_  
“Be there,” Russell replied in a low voice. “Just... be there. You’re my strength, Danny. I can get through anything as long as you’re there with me.”  
_“Always.”_ Danny cleared his throat. _“Always. I swear.”_

They both were silent for another moment.

“Okay, you,” Russell whispered. “You probably can’t go back to sleep any more before you gotta go to work... I’m sorry I woke you up but I...”  
_“No,”_ Danny interrupted him. _“I don’t give a shit about that. So what, there’s an hour less than planned. I can deal with that. This was fucking important.”_  
“I still... okay, this was important.” Russell grabbed the tissue again and wiped his nose, but then the wistful little smile crept back into his face. “So... yeah... See you Friday.”  
_“See you Friday,”_ Danny replied with an incredulous chuckle under his breath. _“What’s... when do you land?”_  
“Twelve ten pm.”  
_“I’ll be there.”_  
“You didn’t have to say that.”  
_“I know.”_

Now they both chuckled. 

“So,” Russell said then. “You gotta get up soon, right?”  
_“I got a bit more than half an hour left... might as well have a coffee in bed before getting up.”_  
“Enjoy.” Russell was able to smile again.  
_“This week is going to be longer than all the past weeks together,”_ Danny muttered.  
“Probably.” Russell leaned back and looked at the picture of Danny and his drum kit. “Ah... Danny?”  
_“Hm?”_  
“Can you get me another bag of Jet Planes?”  
Danny laughed. _“Ten, if you want.”_  
“Let’s start with one.” Russell grinned at the mattress above him. “Okay...”  
_“Okay.”_ Danny yawned. _“Sorry. Shit. I need coffee.”_  
“So do I, actually. So... bye, Danny. See you Friday.”  
_“See you... Friday, Russ. Bye.”_

Russell kept staring at the mattress of the top bunk above him. True, he hurt like fuck right now. But this had to end. He couldn’t go on like this. But once he was back home he could find his bearings again. And maybe, at one point, he would find out what he was supposed to do with his life. He would find out what he was going to do. Maybe he would even find something like what Danny had. A purpose. Something he knew he had to do. Maybe not. Maybe he would just find something he liked, something with a meaning, but even if he wouldn’t... everything was better than trying to cling to this heap of shards.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He promised to come home...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so my guinea pig reader told me off for making her bawl like a baby in a parking lot so this chapter comes with another **Tissue Warning**. Do **not** read this in public.  
> 

The explanation of having lost his sense of purpose was sufficient for his three friends, and while they could understand, they were sad that they wouldn’t see Russell again at uni. But they had exchanged numbers and email addresses and were also friends on Facebook, and they promised to keep in touch. Especially Amy who was dead set on coming to one of Jormungand’s concerts. 

So now everything that remained was packing. Russell’s plane from Oslo to Dubai left Wednesday afternoon at quarter to six. Then he would arrive in Dubai on Thursday morning at ten, local time, followed by a two hour break before he would board the plane to Auckland. 

He dreaded those thirty plus hours. But this time he would be going home, not going away. He had everything to look forward to, but maybe that would make the journey even harder because he couldn’t wait for it to be over. 

Since his plane left late in the afternoon Amy, Rachel and Lara gave him an escort to the airport, and he sent a last text to Danny, telling him that he was about to board. 

And with lift-off, he had to force himself not to start counting the minutes.

* * *

Danny had gotten Russell’s text on Wednesday morning before he was even awake, and now he faced two very hard days. He would have to see it through today and tomorrow and actually manage to sleep and be focused at work, although he had no idea how to do that. He had spoken to his supervisors and had taken Friday off, and with explaining the reason for it, that hadn’t been a problem. 

As expected, he had troubles falling asleep on Wednesday, and Thursday refused to progress. Every time he looked at the clock after what felt like an hour, only five minutes had passed. He even took up cleaning cupboards, shelves and equipment, which technically wasn’t his job, just to keep himself occupied.  
Then he bought a bag of Jet Planes on his way home from work. 

That evening after dinner he chatted a bit with Emma, who unsuccessfully tried to hypnotize him via Skype to help him sleep, but even though he was tired, Danny was unable to find rest that night. 

He got up Friday morning feeling nervous and excited and in general like a teenager before his first date. He took a long shower and for the first time in ages, borrowed some of his mother’s shampoo and conditioner. It was a very expensive brand and not heavily scented, just with a pleasant, mild herbal smell. Then he did some grooming, carefully trimming his beard and shaving and maybe putting on a drop or two more of his after shave than strictly necessary. He grinned crookedly at his reflection in the mirror. Yep, he was definitely doing what he could to make himself pretty for his boyfriend. 

He didn’t do anything special about his wardrobe, though; he just put on comfortable clothing in his usual style, what Russell called _utterly Danny_ , and grabbed the bag of Jet Planes from his backpack before heading downstairs. He dropped the Jet Planes onto the table so he wouldn’t forget them and then made himself a coffee and breakfast. His parents were in the living room; his father had been home for the whole week due to a sprained wrist and only took emergency calls. 

The TV was on, and his parents were watching the news. Danny listened only with half an ear as he walked back to the table with his coffee and a bowl of cereals. Until his ears caught a word that made a small, cold shudder creep down his spine. 

Plane crash. 

He stared at his coffee and after taking a deep breath, put it down again and headed hesitantly into the living room. 

The two newscasters were chatting almost casually about a plane crash that had occurred earlier this morning in the Tasman Sea somewhere between New Zealand and Lord Howe Island.

“What makes it even more tragic is that it happened so close to their destination,” one of them said. “Just a bit more than three hours and they would have been in Auckland.”

Danny glanced at the clock on the wall. It was quarter past ten. 

Now a third reporter appeared on the screen in the studio and was greeted by the two newscasters. It looked like he was standing somewhere at the airport. 

“Do we know what caused the accident?” The second newscaster asked.  
“No, at this time it is totally unknown.” The reporter looked back over his shoulder at a plane that was rolling towards the runway. “There hasn’t been a distress call, so it must have happened really fast. That can rule out a malfunction of the control system, so it’s either a critical failure of a vital part of the aircraft or an act of terrorism.”  
“But there hasn’t been anyone who claimed responsibility yet,” one of the newscasters in the studio said. “Not yet, at least.”  
“Not yet,” the reporter agreed. “But at this point though it’s totally unclear if it’s technical or human failure or an attack. We have to be careful not to make hasty assumptions.”

Now the first newscaster looked into the camera again. “The plane crash of the Boeing 777 by Emirates, we keep you informed on that.”

The studio view was replaced by an advert for toothpaste.

Danny had unconsciously taken his phone out of his pocket and had his hand closed around it in a grip so tight his fingers were almost white. Slowly and inexorably, the small, cold shudder turned into something huge and nasty that crawled into his guts. It was first now that his parents noticed him standing in the doorway, and his mother got up and tried to smile. 

“That... when is Russell due to land?”  
“Twelve ten,” Danny replied hesitantly. 

Now his father looked up as well and slowly got up. 

“That’s not Russell’s plane, though,” Danny said. With much more bravado than he felt. “It’s not.”  
“So he doesn’t fly with Emirates?” His father asked.  
“He...” Danny looked at his phone and pulled up the mail Russell had sent to him the day before with all the flight details.

 _Leaving Oslo with Qatar Airways QR176 from Oslo to Dubai, departure Wednesday, 17:45, arrival Dubai Thursday 10:10 local time. Departure in Dubai at 12:10 with Emirates EK448, touchdown in Auckland 12:10 Friday, Auckland time. See ya! :_ )

Danny licked his lips but his tongue was too dry to make a difference. “It’s not Russell’s plane,” he whispered and dialled Russell’s number.

The phone was switched off and went straight to voicemail. 

“Come on,” Danny said and stared at the phone. He cancelled the call and tried again. He closed his eyes as he pressed the phone to his ear. “Answer your bloody phone...”

Russell’s phone was still switched off.

“It’s not Russell’s plane,” Danny said again and stared at the TV screen. “There’s more than one plane from Emirates in the air between Dubai and Auckland.”

Both his parents cautiously and hesitantly stepped closer to him, exchanging a look of deep worry and dismay. 

There was a newsticker at the bottom of the screen, below the adverts. 

_**+++Breaking News: Plane crashes close to New Zealand coast+++Fatal crash of Boeing 777 by Emirates+++Reason of the fatal accident of flight EK448 Dubai to Auckland unknown+++Act of terrorism cannot be ruled out+++Breaking News: Plane crash close to New Zealand coast+++Fatal crash of Boeing 777 by Emirates+++Reason of the fatal accident of flight EK448 Dubai to Auckland+++ Act of terrorism cannot be ruled out+++Breaking News: Plane crash to...** _

Shaking his head Danny looked at his phone again. 

“It’s a mistake,” he muttered. “Russell mixed up the numbers...” 

He quickly dialled another number and while he was pressing the phone to his ear, cold sweat was beginning to break out all over his body. His fingers were shaking so hard he almost lost his grip on the phone. 

It rang for a long time before it was picked up, but it was Seona who answered, not Anders.

 _“Danny?”_  
“Shit, Seona... where’s Anders?”  
_“He’s in the living room...”_ Her voice was rough.  
“Fuck...” Danny took a deep, shaky breath, eyes pinched shut. A trickle of sweat ran down his left temple. “That’s... that wasn’t Russell’s plane, right? Tell me it wasn’t Russell’s plane!” His voice sounded unreal in his own ears, shrill and close to panic. “Tell me he wasn’t on that plane!”  
_“We don’t know any more than you do,”_ Seona whispered, her voice trembling. _“God, Danny, I’m so sorry...”_

Danny cancelled the call without another word and dialled Russell’s number again.

“Answer your bloody phone!” He yelled. “Russell, for fuck’s sake, answer your fucking phone!”

Danny’s mother stepped closer to him as he spun around because the newscaster announced they were back.

* * *

In Godden Crescent, the Johnsons had rallied around Anders who was sitting on one of the sofas with Seona at his side. She had tried to embrace him again after she had spoken to Danny on the phone, but he had pushed her roughly away, and now she was looking at him with tear-stained cheeks as he sat there hunched over with his hands crossed at the back of his neck. 

The only one who wasn’t there was Hanna; she had stayed at Ty’s and Dawn’s house to mind the kids. Of course those could feel that something was terribly out of place and had been cranky and unmanageable, and no amount of candy and TV could really pacify them. Hanna had sent Dawn and Ty off anyway and now they, together with Anders’s brothers plus Olaf and Michele, were gathered in the living room in silence. 

The newscasters were going on and on, but there was nothing really new coming forth. Anders had tried the support hotline once but had been informed by a robotic voice that he was number 27 in the queue and had dropped the phone again. He had ignored it ringing later on and it was Seona who had accepted Danny’s call. She hadn’t thought of taking the phone back with her so it was still on the table where she had left it.

Dawn was crying into Ty’s shoulder while Ty was trying to keep his face under control, but he was unable to stop his silent tears. Michele and Mike had their arms around each other, and Axl was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and his eyes closed with tears on his cheeks as well. Olaf was staring into the empty air before him with dry eyes. He had buried his son already, and now had been forced to survive his first great-grandchild. His face was grey and for the first time, his eyes looked as old as they were.

When the doorbell rang it was Dawn who managed to pull herself together enough to answer. It was Christine who looked outwardly composed, somewhat at least, and she had Emma in tow who was an absolute mess. The two silently followed Dawn into the living room and Christine sat wordlessly down on Anders’s other side, but he pushed her hands away as well. Emma just stood there in helpless desperation and in tears, and when Axl looked up and saw her, she seemed to push all of his Dad-buttons at once. He headed over to pull her into a fierce hug, making the small and delicate Emma almost vanish in his arms, and sobbing, she held on to him for dear life.

“Any news from out there, Pete?” One of the newscasters asked, and the reporter appeared on the screen again.  
“Not much,” was the reply. “By now the Air Force has sent some helicopters out to assist in the search for wreckage, but there is no hope for either passengers or crew.”

An aerial view video appeared instead of the reporter on the screen, and all it showed was water and scattered debris drifting in the waves. 

“All we can say at this point, according to eye-witness accounts of the passengers of a cruise ship, is that there was an explosion. And to judge by how far the wreckage is spread we can only deduct the explosion happened at a high altitude. So, as sorry as I am to say this, there is no chance of anyone having survived the crash.”  
“That is terrible news,” one of the newscasters in the studio said.

* * *

Danny stared at the screen and didn’t hear anything more. The other newscaster said something about a hotline but Danny was just frozen. He lifted his phone and called Russell again, but his moves were slow and laboured, as if he was underwater.

Of course, Russell didn’t answer the call. The phone slid out of Danny’s fingers and landed on the carpet in front of him. 

Empty-eyed, Danny stared straight ahead. He felt cold. He felt numb. Apart from a spot somewhere close to his solar plexus that hurt more than anything he had ever felt before. Strangely detached he wondered if that was what it felt like to be stabbed. 

He hadn’t noticed his mother stepping closer until he felt her hand on his shoulder. At that moment the pain was suddenly unbearable; his legs gave way under him and he fell heavily onto his knees, his right knee landing on the phone with an unpleasant cracking sound. Danny looked down and pulled the phone out from under his knee; the display was black and the screen was shattered. He dropped it again and stared straight ahead. 

His mother knelt down beside him, and his father on the other side. 

“Daniel...” His mother whispered, her voice trembling and low.

Danny looked up at her. “But he promised,” he whispered. He sounded like a small, scared child. “He promised. Mum, he promised to come home to me.”  
“I know,” his mother whispered back. “Oh god, Daniel...”  
“He promised. Mum, he promised. He said he’d come home to me and never leave me again.”

His mother had clearly no idea what to reply. 

Danny looked at her as if she could just tell him that all this was one gigantic misunderstanding. 

“But he promised,” he whispered. “We wanted to get married. I... I asked him, and he said yes, and I gave him Nana’s ring... Nana’s ring, Mum... we wanted to get married... he has to come home...”  
“Daniel...”  
“But he promised...”  
“It’s not by his choice, Daniel...” It was a thick whisper.

His mother lost her fight against her tears and rested a hand on his cheek while she mutely shook her head. Now Danny’s father moved closer as well and reached out to rest a hand on his son’s shoulder. Danny very slowly turned his head to look at him. 

“Dad...” He whispered in a scratchy voice. “We wanted to get married... I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him... he has to come home...”  
His father didn’t know what to say either and just shook his head.  
“Dad... why isn’t he coming home? Why?”

Roger Barnett looked at his son, into those dark eyes filled with so much pain and confusion that it hurt to look at them, and blinking rapidly he shook his head again. And after another moment, he draped one arm around Danny’s shoulders and pulled him close.

Danny fell against his father and buried his face into that strong, broad shoulder. But he wasn’t a small boy anymore, and it didn’t give him any feeling of safety and comfort back. 

“Why isn’t he coming back to me,” he whispered into his father’s shoulder. “Why? Dad, why?”

His father closed his eyes and lowered his head. A single tear trickled from his eye into his beard.

“Dad... why...” It was a hardly audible whisper. “Why...”  
“I don’t know.” Danny’s father held him as tightly as he could and pressed his cheek onto Danny’s crown. “I don’t know. Oh god, my boy... I don’t know. I would gladly take his place if I could... God, I don’t want you to suffer like this.” He took a shaky breath. “Lord, have mercy,” he whispered into Danny’s hair. “Take me instead...”

Danny’s mother moved closer again and took one of Danny’s hands. She looked at her husband and her son with tears streaming down her cheeks and dripping down her chin. 

A bag of Jet Planes lay forgotten on the dining table.

* * *

Between Seona and Christine, Anders seemed turned into stone. Since he had made it clear that he didn’t want to be touched neither of the two women made any attempt to do so, and they just looked at him in silence. Mike had muted the TV a while ago and kept half an eye on the newsticker, but there was nothing new. 

No one had any idea what to say or do, so they just sat there waiting in grim and terrified silence. For what, they didn’t know.

Suddenly, Anders’s phone cut through the silence like a knife with playing the opening riff of _Sweet child o mine._

Anders jumped and shot out of the sofa without a single thought; he elbowed Seona in the face and stepped violently on Christine’s toes but neither of the two said anything, even if Seona was gingerly rubbing her cheekbone. 

Despite the distance being only a few steps, Anders was out of breath when he had reached the table. He stared at his phone and suddenly his face was a pale mask again.

“Someone found his phone,” he whispered. He closed his eyes for a long moment, took a deep breath and tried to keep his voice as steady as he could when he took the call. “Yes. Anders Johnson.”

There was silence on the other end, and then a small, confused: _“Dad?”_

“Russell!” Anders almost dropped the phone and with his eyes still closed, he pressed the phone as tightly to his ear as he could. “Russell where are you?”  
_“Dad, for fuck’s sake, what is wrong with you?”_  
“Russell where the fuck are you! Where are you?”  
_“Dad, god, I’m sorry, okay? I meant to call earlier but I...”_  
“Russell where are you?!” Anders yelled into his phone.  
_“I’m in Dubai!”_ Russell yelled back. _“Sorry Dad, I’m still...”_

Anders lowered the phone and it slid out of his fingers onto the table.

“He’s in Dubai...” He whispered hoarsely. “He’s in Dubai... he wasn’t on that plane...” Then he looked up at the rest of the family who had followed him out of the living room when they had heard him yell Russell’s name. “He wasn’t on that plane...”

 _“Dad?”_ Came Russell’s voice from the phone. _“Dad?”_

Christine was the first who got her wits back and she picked up the phone. She put the call on speaker.

“Russell.”  
_“Christine?”_ Russell couldn’t have sounded more confused. _“Christine, what is wrong with my dad?”_  
“He...” She took a deep breath.  
_“I’m sorry, really, okay? I meant to call earlier but my phone is fucking off on me. I can’t even say how long it’ll make it... so if this cuts out in the middle of things it’s just because it’s about to die.”_  
“Russell, what happened?”

_“We... we had a stopover in Hamad, but... Christ, I thought I was done for. We landed and the plane was stormed by armed soldiers, I swear I almost pissed myself. They confiscated every electronic device, every phone, laptop, tablet and every ipod too, and then we sat there with guys with machine guns giving us Make-my-day-and-give-me-a-reason-to-shoot-you looks. They kept us there for hours and when we finally got our stuff back several people got damaged laptops and phones...”_

Russell took a few deep breaths. It was clear he was still somewhat shell-shocked.

_“...and mine is almost bust too. So when I came to Dubai I was almost eight hours too late, and I booked myself into the airport hotel because I’m knackered as fuck and it was in the middle of the night in Auckland so I didn’t want to call. But... honestly, I set an alarm so I could call at eight-ish, but my phone was dead and didn’t wake me up, it only works now when it’s plugged in. I’m sorry; I really would’ve called earlier so you wouldn’t have to go to the airport for nothing!”_

“Russell,” Christine said after a deep sigh. “We’re not at the airport, because... the plane... The plane you should have taken in Dubai.” She paused and exhaled softly. “It crashed. Close to the New Zealand coast. There were no survivors.”

After a long moment of stunned silence, Russell’s voice was very faint. _“What?”_

“The plane you missed in Dubai crashed and there are no survivors,” Christine said again.  
Russell wasn’t able to answer for a moment. _“Oh no...”_ He whispered. _“Oh no... oh fuck... you thought I was dead...”_  
“Yes,” Christine said in a somewhat unsteady voice.  
_“Oh shit... oh no no no... Chris, I gotta speak to my dad!”_

Christine wordlessly held the phone out to Anders who had stared at her with wide eyes and an unmoving face. Now he unfroze and took the phone. 

“Russell...”  
_“Oh god, Dad, I’m so sorry...”_ It was unmistakable that Russell was in tears. _“I’m so sorry! I didn’t know my phone was bust and...”_  
“Russ, it’s not your fault,” Anders replied, and some strength was returning to his voice. “Nothing of this was your fault. I’m just... it’s okay. Everything is going to be okay. You just calm down again. I won’t lie, I got the scare of my lifetime, but it’s okay... just calm down, and go on. Do you have a new flight yet?”  
_“Yes, it was the first thing I did after I got out of check-out. I’m leaving in six hours, but I have a stopover in Melbourne. I’m home tomorrow at one forty-five pm.”_  
Anders inhaled deeply and let his breath go again in a huff. “Good. Tomorrow.”

Suddenly, Russell gasped. _“Shit, I gotta call Danny! Dad, I gotta call Danny!”_  
“Do that.” Anders nodded. “I talk to you later. Tomorrow in person if nothing else.”  
_“Right... oh shit... bye Dad!”_

Anders slowly straightened up and put the phone down onto the table before him. Seona had reached his side just in time to have her arms around him as he burst into tears.

It wasn’t five minutes later that Russell called again. Anders quickly and forcefully pulled himself together and took the call. Russell was close to panic.

 _“Dad, I can’t get hold of him! His phone is switched off, and I can’t get hold of him! Dad, can you find his father’s number and call him? Please! I’m...”_  
“I’ll do what I can,” Anders replied, forcing his voice steady. 

“I’ll go,” Emma said and finished blowing her nose. “I’ll go there and check on him. Mum, can I have the keys?”  
“Are you sure you should be driving already?” Christine asked her.  
“Absolutely.” Emma was all determination now. “I gotta check on him.”  
“Right...” Christine said and took her keys out of the pocket of her jeans. “Here.”

“Great.” Then Emma stepped closer to Anders. “Russ?” She said to the phone. “I’m going to check on him.”  
_“Emma... sweetie, thank you... I just hope my phone makes it that long...”_  
“Send me a message,” Emma said. “An audio message, or a video message. Just send it to me, I’ll make sure he gets it.”  
_“Thank you...”_ Russell took a deep breath. _“Thank you, sweetie.”_  
“Just do it now. I’m off. Bye, Russ. See you tomorrow!”  
_“See you tomorrow, sweetie!”_

Emma nodded at her mother and Anders, and was out of the door a moment later. Dawn headed wordlessly into the kitchen to make coffee, and the atmosphere of relief was more than palpable. Olaf was crying, and Axl hugged him tightly. Ty called Hanna, and Anders slung his arms around Seona and buried his face into her hair.

* * *

Emma ran both hands through her hair, not to sort it out because that was a hopeless undertaking, but to calm herself. Then she pressed the doorbell and waited.

When the door finally opened it was Danny’s mother, and she was pale and her eyes were red. 

“Hello Mrs Barnett,” Emma said. “Can I see Danny?”  
Mrs Barnett nodded and stepped aside, and Emma hurried past her, kicked off her shoes and headed for the living room. 

Danny was sitting on the sofa, a blanket around his shoulders, and he was staring straight ahead but was definitely looking at nothing. His eyes were empty.  
His father was sitting next to him, looking stony-faced at his son. 

“Danny...” Emma knelt down before him. “Oh god, you poor baby... Danny, look at me.”

Danny didn’t react.

“Danny, baby...” Emma bit her lip for a moment. “Danny, please listen to me...” Then she frowned. “Danny?”

“He’s been like this for almost an hour,” his father said in a rough voice.

“Oh god...” Emma ran her hands through her hair again. “Danny. Baby, look at me.” Danny still didn’t react, not even when Emma took both of his hands in hers. “Danny, listen to me. You gotta listen to me. I come from Godden Crescent. Russell just called, he’s still in Dubai. His plane from Oslo got delayed, and he was too late... Danny, he’s still alive. He wasn’t on that plane.”

Slowly, very slowly, Danny’s eyes moved, and focused on Emma’s face. She kept holding on to his hands for a moment longer before she let go and took out her phone. She quickly loaded the video message Russell had sent, but kept holding on to Danny’s hands after she had placed the phone between them. 

Russell’s face appeared on the screen. He looked dead tired, with a pale face and deep shadows under his eyes. His hair was a mess, and his voice was rough. 

“Hey Danny,” he said. He tried to smile, with meagre success. “So, this is me, still stuck in Dubai and it’s four o’clock in the morning here which means it’s... uh... twelve or so in Auckland and... God, this is all so fucked up... first of all, my phone’s almost bust, and this is my third attempt, so if this cuts out in the middle of a sentence it’s because it finally kicked the bucket. So... obviously, I’m still alive. Fuck... I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through... I’m so sorry... I meant to call earlier but because of that fucker of a phone I overslept and... Fuck, Danny, I’m sorry.” 

The picture wobbled as he wiped his other hand across his eyes. 

“I know it wasn’t my fault but fuck... my plane got delayed during a stopover in Hamad, it was stormed by armed soldiers who confiscated every phone and damaged a lot of those before giving them back hours later, mine included. I still have no clue why.” 

Russell closed his eyes and ran his other hand through his hair to brush it out of his face. 

“So I was almost eight hours too late in Dubai, and... shit, I’m so knackered I’m about to cry. But... Danny... I already booked another flight home. I’ll be twenty-four hours late, I’m landing one forty-five tomorrow, but... I’ll be coming home.” 

He managed a smile this time, it was a little wistful and definitely tired, but it was there. 

“I’m coming home. I promised, remember? I promised to come home to you. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’m home again, and then I never leave you again. I’m coming home to you, Danny. I... uh... yeah. I’ll see you tomo...” The message ended.

Danny kept staring at the screen until Emma pried the phone out of his fingers and put it onto the ground beside her. She smiled at Danny and rested a hand on his cheek.

“He’s coming home,” she said softly. “He is coming home.”

Danny looked at her and blinked, and then the first tear trickled down his cheek. Emma got up and pulled him close, and Danny burst into tears while burying his face into her shirt, crying in big, ugly sobs that shook his whole body. Emma kept running a hand through his hair with her other arm slung around his shoulders. Both of Danny’s parents were watching him with tears in their eyes. 

“He’s coming home,” Emma whispered again while Danny leaned into her embrace and cried. “He’s coming home to you.”


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At long last, home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, this chapter comes with a **Tissue Warning** as well.  
>  I listened to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxTyxfgzvWw) while writing this chapter. I can’t say if it’s a good idea or not to listen to it while reading.

* * *

Emma had stayed with Danny that day, and Danny had spent the rest of the day lying on his bed with his head in Emma’s lap. They had been listening to Danny’s favourite playlist of Def Leppard, but then _Long, long way_ had come up and Danny had lost his shit so thoroughly that Emma had switched the music off. 

She had tucked Danny in that evening, and even though he felt somewhat balanced again he couldn’t sleep that night. He kept tossing and turning, the events of that morning playing over and over in his head. He fought his tears several times, lost the fight once, and all the time his mind was a maelstrom. It was twenty minutes to four when he looked at the clock on his phone for the last time. 

Peeling himself out of bed that Saturday morning was hard, even though he slept almost until ten. He dragged himself into the bathroom and after having taken a shower looked at himself in the mirror again. Quite a different picture today. He was pale, had dark circles under his eyes and didn’t really feel like doing any sort of grooming. So much for being pretty for his boyfriend. 

Though, to be honest, Russell most likely couldn’t care less about how he looked and probably wouldn’t even mind if he hadn’t taken a shower for a week. A lopsided smile on his face, Danny turned away from the mirror to get dressed. 

His parents didn’t speak to him while he was downstairs to have breakfast, though his mother smiled at him when she headed for the kitchen. Danny was able to smile back, but he retreated back into his room with his next cup of coffee. He had more than two hours left to kill but his thoughts were too much all over the place for gaming, and watching a movie didn’t really distract him either because he couldn’t focus. 

In the end, he drank coffee and stared at the ceiling, trying to entertain himself with thinking of things he and Russell would do to catch up once he had recovered from the flight. But even that didn’t give him any pleasure; not even thinking about Russell on his knees gave him the merest hint of a boner. He discovered he didn’t even want to think about sex. He just wanted Russell back in his arms. Everything else was irrelevant.

At one o’clock, he couldn’t stand it anymore and even if it was a bit too early he headed downstairs to get ready. He might as well sit around in the airport to wait. 

To his surprise, his parents were just getting ready to leave the house as well. Danny gave them a questioning look. 

“I’m sure that... Russell’s family will be there at the airport,” his mother said somewhat hesitantly. “But we thought... if you don’t mind, that is... that we would come along to welcome him back as well.”

Danny was a bit stumped, but there was no reason they shouldn’t come along if they wanted. So instead of making the trip to the airport alone in his own car he slid into the backseat of his father’s, something he hadn’t done in ages. It felt so fucking weird he had to grin. 

As expected, the whole Johnson clan plus Emma and Christine were there already, and since it was Saturday, Matt, Craig and Janice showed up there as well. Danny greeted them all with hugs and handshakes while his parents kept themselves in the background. 

But even after that, it was still almost twenty minutes until touchdown. Matt tried to distract him with stupid jokes and bad puns, and clouting him over the head, Craig said they should have brought their instruments for a welcome concert. That had Seona mention they should have practised a Haka, and imagining Russell’s face upon being confronted with his friends and family performing a Haka on his return lightened the mood considerably. 

And finally, Russell’s flight showed up on the destination board. No longer able to smile, Danny stared at the letters and the minutes trickled by like hours. Touchdown was announced ten minutes later.

Danny was tensely staring at the gate, but disembarking, checkout, customs and luggage retrieval would take their time as well and for the first time in his life, Danny found himself biting his nails. And when the first people began to show up, he was almost in tears. 

Something touched his back, and he looked up to see Anders smile at him. He had his hand between Danny’s shoulder blades and smiled, then twitched his head, indicating towards the gates with his chin while he gave him another nudge. Danny swallowed and slowly, started towards the gates and the people heading for the exit, walking faster and faster until finally, at the sight of a mop of golden curls, he broke into a run.

* * *

When Russell dragged himself out of the plane he was ready to pass out from sheer exhaustion. He went through checkout and customs feeling as if he wasn’t really there anymore, and headed for the luggage retrieval with heavy steps. People who were stressed, under time pressure and/or just plain rude elbowed past him but Russell had no means to resist or energy to complain. He put his shoulder bag down and waited for his suitcase and backpack. 

The suitcase came up quickly, but the backpack took forever to appear and then Russell almost couldn’t put it on. On top of everything else the suitcase seemed to have taken some damage and one of the wheels was stuck, so now he had to pull it using sheer physical strength. He hadn’t much left of that and within moments he was close to tears from dragging the recalcitrant suitcase around. 

It was then that he heard the footfall of someone running in heavy boots. 

He looked up and saw him coming, with flowing black hair and the leather coat billowing around his legs as he ran, and with tears burning in his eyes Russell let go of the suitcase and dropped the shoulder bag carelessly beside it. He had just managed to drop the backpack as well when Danny had reached him, and after he had stumbled to a halt the two stared at each other, unable to move. 

Then Danny took a step forward, and the two had their arms around each other, closing them as tightly as they could. Drained as he was, Russell didn’t even try to hold back his tears, and once he had started, Danny couldn’t keep himself together anymore either. 

They embraced so tightly as if they were trying to melt together, both of them crying like children.

Surrounded by luggage and oblivious to anything else people passed them by like water flowing around a rock, either smiling or ignoring them. Russ and Danny were the only two people in the world right now, though. They clung to each other, holding on as if letting go would mean the other would vanish again. Russell had his face pressed into Danny’s shoulder and Danny had his face buried in Russell’s hair. 

Neither of them could say how much time had passed before they were able to lessen their grip again. Russell adjusted his head so his forehead was touching the side of Danny’s neck. 

“Oh god, Danny, I’m so sorry...”  
“Hey,” Danny said softly into Russell’s hair. “It wasn’t your fault.”  
“I know,” Russell whispered. “I know. But you shouldn’t... you shouldn’t have had to go through that... I can’t even imagine how much you must have hurt.”

Danny exhaled slowly and softly. “Yes, it hurt,” he said after a moment. “It... it was a nightmare. But I woke up.” Danny slowly and cautiously lifted his head and leaned back to be able to look at Russell. “I woke up. It was a nightmare, but that was all it was. A dream. I woke up, and you’re here, and it’s over.”  
Russell reached out and tenderly ran two fingers down Danny’s cheek.  
“It already feels weird,” Danny went on with a small, lopsided smile. “Like, totally surreal. Like... like a dream. A memory of a dream. Yes, it was a nightmare. But I woke up. And here you are.”  
“Here I am,” Russell whispered and smiled at him through his tears.

Danny took a small step back and with infinite tenderness, cradled Russell’s face in his hands. “I never let you go again, you know that.” It wasn’t a question, and it didn’t sound like one.  
“As if I would ever leave you again,” Russell whispered back, voice thick with tears again. “My Danny...” He ran his fingers down Danny’s cheek again. “My Danny...”  
Danny leaned forward again and brought their foreheads together. “Yours,” he whispered. “Body and soul.”

Both took a deep breath and closed their arms around each other again. Russell nestled his face into the crook of Danny’s neck and inhaled deeply. There was the faint herbal scent of shampoo, the smell of leather and Danny’s after shave and _Danny_ and it brought more tears to his eyes.

“Danny?” He whispered into Danny’s skin.  
“Hm?”  
“Promise me something?”  
“Anything.”  
“Don’t ever change your after shave.”  
Danny snorted softly under his breath. “As long as I can buy this one I won’t.”

Russell inhaled deeply again, and his lips brushed the skin of Danny’s neck. Danny shuddered and lifted one hand to rest it between Russell’s shoulders while the fingers of the other threaded into the golden curls. He sighed deeply when Russell’s lips brushed along his jaw line in a touch so soft it was hardly there. 

For a moment they just were still, their lips almost touching, their breath grazing each other’s lips, and then they simultaneously moved, bringing their lips together slowly and almost shyly, almost like their very first kiss. Russell slowly lifted his hands to bury his fingers into Danny’s hair, and their lips touched again in a soft and tender kiss. 

They kissed a few times more, soft and gentle and tender, before Russell leaned back and, after a sigh, pressed himself against Danny’s body again. Danny closed his arms around him and frowned.

“You’re shivering.”  
“I’m freezing.” Russell pressed himself closer against Danny. “I lost my jacket in Melbourne. I was... I was just sitting in the waiting area waiting to board, and then I heard the final boarding call. I must have been more than half asleep to miss the other ones. So I just grabbed my stuff and ran, and I first realised I forgot my jacket when I was already on the plane.”  
“Was there anything important in it?”  
“No. I just don’t have a jacket anymore.”

Danny tightened his hold for a moment, then he let go and stepped back, shrugged off his coat and draped it around Russell’s shoulders. Russell blinked a few times in confusion, then he smiled and slipped his arms into the sleeves. 

“How do I look?”  
“Ridiculous,” Danny said with a soft smile.  
“But it’s warm,” Russell said and closed his eyes as he buried his nose into the collar. “And it smells of you.”  
“I did take a shower this morning.”

Russell looked up again, and into Danny’s eyes that held a tiny spark while his lips twitched into a hint of that smirk that was Russell’s undoing. Then Danny stepped forward and dropped a kiss onto Russell’s forehead. Russell fell against him with a deep and heavy sigh. 

“Danny... I want to go home. I’m... I’m about to keel over.”  
“Shit, yes... you’ve been in transit for more than fifty hours now.” Danny stepped back and ran a hand through Russell’s hair to brush it out of his face. “Let’s get you home.”

Russell nodded and closed his eyes for a moment, then he reached for the backpack. 

Danny beat him to it; he took it and hoisted it onto his back in one swift move. He took the bag and slung it over his shoulder, then took the handle of the suitcase. When it refused to move he frowned at it and then gave it a well-placed, well-dosed kick and a sharp tug. The wheel came loose and Danny smiled at Russell and held out his free hand. Russell smiled back and took it, and with their fingers firmly closed around each other’s they headed for the exit. 

Once they got closer to the exit area and the Johnsons spotted them, Anders started walking towards them and Russell fell into his arms with a small sob. The two held on tight and rocked slightly back and forth while Anders kept running a hand up and down Russell’s back. And when the two stepped away from each other with wet cheeks, the other Johnsons closed in on them. 

There were a lot of hugs and backslaps and more hugs, and the kids went batshit because they finally had their Russell back. Apart from Ruby who, at 13, wasn’t as excited about her older cousin anymore and after having given him a hug, was more interested in her phone again. 

After they all had hugged Russell at least twice, and after noses and eyes had been wiped, Russell was about to head for the exit when he saw Danny’s parents. Danny’s mother walked up to him and held out both hands with a smile. Mildly confused but smiling as well Russell took them and she closed her fingers firmly around his. 

“Welcome home,” she said warmly with misted eyes.  
“Uhm... thank you, Mrs Barnett,” Russell replied somewhat shyly.  
“Dorothy,” she replied with a smile. “Please.”  
“Oh... okay. Thank you, Dorothy.”

And to his utter surprise, she then stepped forward and pulled him into a warm, if cautious hug. Russell tensed for a moment in surprise before he returned the hug, and when he stepped back, Dorothy wiped her eyes with a smile. 

“Russell.”  
Russell looked up and saw Danny’s father extend a hand to him. “Welcome home, my boy. It’s good to have you back.”  
Now Russell was stumped and he took the hand by sheer reflex. “Thank you, Mr...”  
“Roger,” he interrupted him and rested his other hand on Russell’s shoulder.  
“Thank you, Roger,” Russell said after a moment when he realised that he was just staring at the man like a half-wit. 

After a nod, and what might have been a smile, Roger let go of his hand again and stepped back. 

Russell cast a mildly confused look over his shoulder at Danny who was still carrying Russell’s luggage, and while he smiled, he was a little confused as well. 

After another moment that seemed as if he was having a freeze-lag, Russell took a step back, but then Anders had reached his side and smiled at Danny’s parents. He held out his hand to Danny’s mother.

“Anders Johnson, pleased to meet you. I’m Russell’s father.”  
“You didn’t need to say that,” Dorothy gave back with a smile. “Pleased to meet you, Mr Johnson.”  
“Anders. I hate formalities.”

She smiled, and Anders let go of her hand and extended it to Danny’s father.

“Anders Johnson. Nice to meet you.”  
“Roger Barnett.” Danny’s father shook Anders’s hand with a firm grip. “Nice to meet you too, Mr Johnson.”  
“Really, I meant it with the formalities. Call me Anders.”  
Roger Barnett nodded.

“So,” Anders rubbed his hands. “The family has prepped a welcome party, would you like to join us?”  
“Oh, we don’t want to impose,” Dorothy replied hastily.  
“You’re not,” Anders said with a smile. “When my family throws a barbecue we could usually invite half of Mission Bay and still have no idea what to do with the leftovers.” Then he cast a look at his boys. “And we’re practically family anyway, aren’t we?”

The Barnetts looked at each other for a moment, then Danny’s mother looked back at Anders and smiled. 

“Thank you, Anders.”  
“You’re more than welcome, really.”  
“What’s the address?” Danny’s father asked then.  
“21D Godden Crescent,” Anders replied. “I’ll see you there in a bit.”

Both Danny’s mother and father nodded and Anders turned around and draped an arm around Russell’s shoulders.

“Home?”  
“About time,” Russell replied. “I’m ready to fall asleep on my feet.”  
“You certainly look the part.” Then Anders looked at Danny. “Is your Sherpa coming with us or is he going with his parents?”  
Russell chuckled and looked at Danny who grinned.  
“Although...” Anders grinned as well. “I guess he’d rather not let you out of his sight again so I assume he’s coming with us.”  
“Please,” Danny said. 

His arm still around Russell Anders now headed towards the exit and towards the car park with Danny and Seona in tow. 

Once Danny had deposited all the luggage in the boot of Anders car he got into the backseat where Russell was just fastening his seatbelt. As Danny sat down Russell looked up and smiled, undid the seatbelt again and moved into the middle seat. He fastened the seatbelt again and after Danny had fastened his, Russell closed his eyes and rested his head on Danny’s shoulder. Danny dropped a kiss onto the top of Russell’s head and closed his eyes as well.

Looking into the rear view mirror Anders smiled, and Seona turned around to see what he was smiling at. 

Russell, who was still wearing Danny’s black leather coat, had his head on Danny’s shoulder and Danny had his head resting against Russell’s, his face half buried in Russell’s hair. Both had their eyes closed, and in Danny’s lap their hands were entwined into a tight knot.

Anders and Seona now exchanged a smile that was gentle and more than a little wistful, and Anders started the engine to bring his boys home.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More than one reason to celebrate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [To motherhen s.o. (v): to be excessively overprotective – act like a mother hen]
> 
> * * *

Russell had managed to doze off twice during the car ride home and now he almost stumbled over the doorstep, and he had to support himself with both hands against the wall while kicking off his shoes. Danny was already carrying his luggage upstairs and Russell followed him while everyone else filed into kitchen, living room or the terrace outside. 

Once in his room, Russell fell onto the bed with a strained groan. Danny sat down next to him. 

“I need a shower.” Russell ran both hands through his hair. “I stink.”  
“Nah, you’re just a bit stale.”  
Russell side-eyed him. “I had one single shower in almost three days and spent the time in between in airplanes.”  
“What? Do you want me to say you’re rancid?”  
“So I’m not?”  
Danny chuckled. “Okay, so you stink. My brain chemistry must be doing weird things right now because I don’t really care.”  
“If that’s what turns you on,” Russell said with the trace of a grin. “I still want a shower, though.”

Danny got up again and opened the suitcase. “Is the stuff you need in here?”  
“Yes, and also a pair of sweatpants,” Russell replied while dropping his plaid shirt. “Somewhere.”

While Danny was digging through the suitcase to find said pair of sweatpants and Russell’s toiletries, Russell undressed down to his briefs. Then he stretched and arched his back, making his spine crunch and pop so loud that Danny winced.

“Christ, you still in one piece?”  
“I guess so.” Russell looked down and curled his toes. “I’m a bit stiff.”  
“That sounded as if someone had poured all your vertebrae into a sack before shaking it.”  
“Honestly?” Russell stretched his arms upward. “That’s actually a pretty good description of how I feel right now.”

Danny shook his head, took the washbag and got up. He dropped the sweatpants onto the bed and Russell smiled at him but turned around with a confused frown when Danny followed him towards the bathroom. 

“Danny, as much as I missed you, I’d still rather have some privacy in the bathroom.”  
“Call me when you’re done. I’m not going to let you take a shower alone in that state.”  
“What?” Russell opened the bathroom door. “Are you afraid I slip and fall and crack my head open?”  
“Yes,” Danny replied simply without even the merest hint of amusement.

Russell tried to think of a reply but couldn’t and shut his mouth again. He closed the door behind him and Danny leaned against the wall. It took a bit longer than expected before Russell opened the bathroom door again.

“Sorry.”  
“Christ!” Danny fanned himself with one hand. “What the fuck have you been eating?”  
“Airplane food,” Russell replied and climbed into the bathtub.   
“Oh... right.” Danny stopped fanning and shook his head. “Fuck.”

Russell turned on the shower and waited for the right temperature, and to his surprise Danny took his hoodie and his t-shirt off. 

“Danny?”  
“Just giving you a hand.”  
“I can take a shower on my own, thank you.” Russell frowned at him while blinking water out of his eyes.  
“I know you can take a shower on your own,” Danny said and stepped beside the bathtub. “Just give me that bloody showerhead.”

Russell was still frowning but gave Danny the showerhead.

“Sit down.”  
“For fuck’s sake, Danny... Are you motherhening me?”  
“I am motherhening seven kinds of crap out of you,” Danny replied. “Sit down.”

Russell sighed and shook his head, but sat down. He had a small smile on his face as he did so.

After Danny had made sure Russell’s hair was wet he then took the bottle of shampoo. He lathered it into Russell’s hair while firmly kneading it in, giving Russell a head massage as well. Russell hummed in appreciation. 

After having washed his hair Danny left Russell to wash the rest of himself on his own and put his shirt and hoodie back on. And when Russell was done, he gave him a hand with climbing out of the tub. 

Russell’s right foot slipped just as he lifted the left one over the rim of the tub, but Danny’s grip tightened and he didn’t lose his balance. He gave Danny an apologetic and grateful smile. 

Danny just lifted his eyebrows, but said nothing as he wrapped Russell into one of the huge towels. Then he dropped a kiss onto Russell’s forehead.

When he leaned back, Russell giggled. “Your beard is wet.”  
Danny grinned crookedly and took a corner of Russell’s towel to dry his face again. 

Once back in his room Russell fell flat on his back onto the bed with a groan. “I don’t want to ever get up again.”  
“Want me to bring you some food?”  
Russell cracked one eye open to look at Danny who had just dug a sweater out of the suitcase. “You serious?”  
“Of course I’m serious,” Danny replied. “If I was you I’d want to sleep for a week non-stop.”  
“Tempting,” Russell said and stretched and arched his back. 

He dislodged the towel while writhing around with more crunching and popping joints, and when he opened his eyes again, found Danny watching him with an affectionate smile.

“Too tired,” Russell muttered.  
Danny shook his head with a lopsided smile. “Not even thinking about that.”  
“Then what are you thinking?”

Danny sat down next to him and ran the fingers of one hand down Russell’s chest. “I was just wondering if I’m imagining things or if you grew more chest hair in Norway.”  
Russell lifted his head and squinted down at himself. “Possibly,” he muttered. “My dad said he was a pretty late bloomer regarding chest hair. He said he was twenty when it had finally come in completely.”  
“Seems like that’s true for you too.”  
Russell bit his lip. “Like it?”  
“No, I don’t. I’d rather have you wax your chest.” Danny dropped his head with a sigh. “Stop asking stupid questions,” he said before looking up again.

Russell smiled, shrugged, and sat up. He let Danny towel his hair and after getting up and stretching again, he eyed the clothes on the bed.

“Crap, I wish I could just run around like this,” he muttered. “I swear at one point during the flight to Melbourne I thought my balls were going to fall off.”  
Danny narrowed his eyes and leaned a little forward for closer inspection, then shook his head with a grin.   
Russell rolled his eyes with a grin of his own and then gave his balls a cautious scratch. “I just wish I could run around bare-arsed for the rest of the day.”

Now Danny got up and opened the wardrobe. “What about the kilt?”  
“Uh?”  
Danny took the coat hanger with the kilt out of the wardrobe and turned around. “If you need more ease of movement and want to properly air out the lads, why don’t you wear your kilt?”   
“That’s a good question,” Russell replied with a smile and got up. “Why don’t I?”

In the end, almost an hour had passed before Russell was downstairs again, but after a shower and in lose, comfortable clothing consisting of the kilt, a t-shirt and a large sweater, he felt more like a human being again. His father supplied him with coffee, one with a bit of cold water in it so Russell could just gulp it down and a second one immediately after that. Then Anders ruffled his son’s hair and when Danny had finished making himself a coffee too, the three of them headed outside. 

The barbecue was up and running at full speed with Axl and Mike manning the grill, and Russell devoured an absolutely ridiculous amount of food and still managed two helpings of Dawn’s Pavlova for dessert. Plus a cupcake for good measure.

Russell had lots to talk about, of course, and he kept chatting with everyone while simultaneously having to ward off kids who wanted to tumble, play or be picked up. He really didn’t have the energy for any of that and all but Layla understood and accepted it, to varying degrees. Layla however still kept chanting up up up but Russell just couldn’t, so in the end Danny (who hadn’t left Russell’s side since they had come downstairs) picked her up and stepped closer to his boyfriend.

Layla stared at Danny, not quite sure what to think, then looked at Russell who smiled and ruffled her hair. 

But when Danny wanted to put her down again she clung to him and put her thumb into her mouth. Danny stared a little helplessly at the toddler on his arm who rested her head on his shoulder.

“Suits you,” Russell said with a grin. “You should wear that more often.”

Danny snorted and surrendered to his fate. He continued carrying Layla around but at one point, realised that his mother was looking at him with a smile but very sad eyes. He couldn’t look at her and went over to Hanna who plucked the loudly protesting girl out of his arms. 

Russell had gone upstairs again to use the bathroom and when he came back, he walked up to Danny with a smile that Danny hadn’t seen before and that left him slightly puzzled.

“Right,” Russell said then and cleared his throat. “Okay.” Then he raised his voice. “Everyone?”

The people around him fell silent and everyone turned around to face him. 

“Okay, so...” Russell brushed a handful of hair back. “First of all, thanks for that awesome welcome...”  
“Come on, Russ,” Olaf said with a grin. “We all know how much you love family barbeques.”  
Russell grinned back. “Okay, not rocket science. Still.”

Then Russell took a deep breath. 

“So, by now I think most of you know why I came back, but anyway... it’s kind of... it still kind of hurts, but I came to terms with it. I know I’ve been dreaming of this since I was a boy, but that doesn’t really matter anymore, not after I discovered it’s not what I want after all. The reasons for that aren’t really relevant anymore now either, are they?”

He emptied his coffee and put the cup down. 

“I have to admit I don’t quite know what to do now, or rather, what to do eventually. Right now, I have plans of getting myself a job, and then see what time brings. Because the thing is...”

Russell smiled at Danny and stepped a little closer to him.

“When I have a job, then Danny and I can finally move in together. And as long as he’s at uni, I just play provider and once he has a job, we swap. I hope to have found out by then what I want to do with me and my life.”

Then he turned to Danny and his smile changed its quality. 

“Apart from spending it with you,” he said softly. “And I know we’ve been over this, and that this isn’t really necessary, but I still feel...” Then Russell took a deep breath. “I want to...”

He broke off and ran one hand through his hair. His curls had dried by now but since he hadn’t done anything about them and just let them dry by themselves they were a happy mess. Then he reached into the pocket of his sweater. 

“Danny...” He said after looking at him again, then he opened his hand. 

A ring was lying in his palm, polished metal gleaming in the sun. It was a serpent biting its own tail.

“Danny... will you marry me?”

Danny stared at the ring for a moment, blinking rapidly and breathing heavily. Then he looked up with parted lips. Around them, no one dared to move, not even breathe. Even the kids were still and silent.

Then Danny swallowed hard and held out his left hand. “Yes,” he whispered roughly, and cleared his throat. “Yes, Russell, I do.”

Russell gave him a heartbreaking smile and stepped closer. He looked at the ring for a moment before looking at Danny’s face. His smile was decidedly more nervous now.

“I found this at the Viking fair I told you about, remember? And I didn’t know your size, so... I basically asked every single one of the guys who were there with us and a few random strangers if I could hold his hand because I wanted to buy a ring for my boyfriend and I didn’t know his size, until I found one whose hands felt like yours, and he thought it was pretty hilarious and I stood him a beer afterwards, and... So I really hope it fits, and.... yeah, I just hope it does and... I mean I couldn’t afford the gold one and silver would tarnish so I bought the stainless steel version and I really think that suits you best and...”  
“Russell...” Danny interrupted him gently. “Just give me the ring.”

The atmosphere loosened and everyone around them chuckled and smiled, Russell included. He bit his lips and then held out his hand. Danny rested his hand in Russell’s, and after taking a deep breath, Russell slipped the ring onto Danny’s finger. It fit perfectly.

“Can’t tell you how relieved I am that it fits,” Russell muttered and looked up again.   
Danny looked at the Midgard Serpent that enclosed his finger and back up at Russell. “It’s perfect,” he whispered. “Thank you.”

Russell took another step forward and slung his arms around Danny’s midriff. Danny rested both hands on Russell’s cheeks and after a moment, they both closed their eyes and leaned forward, and into a kiss. 

Seona suppressed a scream that turned into a suffocated little squeal and made her sound as if someone had stepped on a hamster. Dawn wiped her eyes while sniffling helplessly and Anders now took a step forward with a bright and happy smile on his face.

He waited.

After another moment, he unobtrusively cleared his throat. 

Russell and Danny hastily leaned away from each other with embarrassed little grins.

And grinning himself, Anders draped one of his arms around Danny and the other around Russell and pulled both of them into a hug.

Then Axl couldn’t keep himself back anymore and whooped in joy, and then everyone started clapping and laughing, and then everyone closed in on the two for congratulations and more hugs. 

Eventually Danny’s mother had reached them too, and she embraced her son and kissed his forehead. And after she had stepped back from him, she embraced Russell too. 

And finally Danny’s father stepped towards them as well. He rested both hands on his son’s shoulders.

“I’m so very happy for you,” he said.  
“Thank you, Dad.”  
After a pause, Danny’s father exhaled softly. “I mean it.”  
Danny rested his hands on his father’s forearms. “I know.”

Then the two embraced as well, and Russell looked at them while blinking rapidly. Then Roger Barnett let go of his son, stepped closer to Russell and rested both hands on Russell’s shoulders now.

Russell met his eyes. “I’ll take good care of him,” he said. “Always.”  
“I know,” Danny’s father replied and nodded. “I know you will, Russell.”

Then he let go and walked towards his wife again. She embraced him too and they accepted Anders’s glasses full of champagne that he had filled in the meantime. The kids had been supplied with more Foxton Fizz instead.

“Never hurts to be prepared,” he said to Russell with a wink and handed him and Danny a glass as well.

“A toast!” He yelled then.

Everyone fell silent and lifted their glasses. 

“To our boys,” Anders said. “To Russell and Danny and a happily ever after. To music, and to love.”

Russell and Danny looked at each other with brimming eyes as they took a sip of their champagne, and after lowering their glasses again the leaned in towards each other for another kiss.

The party continued cheerfully from there, but Russell couldn’t do more than empty his glass of champagne before he visibly began to fade. He asked his father for a headache pill and after having taken two, he curled up on the sofa. Danny joined him there after he came downstairs again, and after he had gotten comfortable Russell crawled closer. 

Anders had finished out handing coffee at that point and headed back into the living room to ask his boys if they wanted coffee too. 

He found them on the sofa, with Danny almost curled up in the corner between armrest and backrest and Russell nestled into his lap. Danny’s fingers were threaded into Russell’s curls, and both of them were asleep. 

“You will be the death of me, you two,” Anders muttered while wiping his eyes. 

Behind him a few people stuck their heads into the doorway, and Seona stepped beside Anders and sighed while wiping her eyes as well. 

Anders sighed again and then cautiously approached the two. “Hey,” he said softly and ran his fingers through Russell’s hair while nudging Danny’s shoulder. “You.”

Danny cracked his eyes open and blinked sleepily.  
“Hey,” Anders whispered again and now Russell lifted his head to look at him.  
“Go to bed,” Anders said gently. 

Both Russell and Danny laboured out of the sofa and headed upstairs. 

They left their friends and family behind who were only shaking their heads and talked in low voices about those two young men and their love, and how sweet and heart-warming it was. 

After some time, Dawn, however, approached Christine and Seona.

“We should start making plans,” she said.  
Christine smiled again and rubbed her hands. “We should.”  
Seona looked back and forth between the two. “We should?”  
“Definitely.” Christine nodded. “And they need to set a date.”  
Now Seona saw daylight. “Ah,” she said with a widening smile.

“And what exactly are you up to?” Anders asked Dawn.  
“Oh,” Dawn said brightly. “We’re making wedding plans.”  
“Wedding plans.”  
“Yes.” Dawn exchanged a look with Seona and Christine. “You don’t think Russell gets anything less than the wedding to end all weddings?”  
“Christ, Dawn, that’s the last thing either of the two wants.”  
“We’ll see about that.”

Anders shook his head with a grin and left the three to make their plans, ready to take Russell’s side when it came to cutting them back and trimming them around the edges to make it bearable.

* * *

Upstairs, Russell was really ready to fall over now and Danny helped him out of the kilt and even into a pair of briefs, pulling them over his feet and legs while Russell was sitting on the bed, as if he was a child. 

Then Russell fell back with a groan and rubbed his face into the pillow. Danny tucked him in and sat down beside him. 

“Cuddle,” Russell muttered, eyes already closed. 

Danny chuckled and got up and walked around the bed, took off the hoodie and quickly unbuttoned and discarded his jeans before slipping under the blanket as well. Russell snuggled close and after closing an arm around his chest, Danny curled around him as tightly as he could. 

He had just finished adjusting his head when Russell’s deep and even breathing told him that he was asleep already. Danny’s plan had been to cuddle him until he fell asleep, but now that he already had fallen asleep before Danny had even started with a proper cuddle, he would just stay for a bit longer. 

He lifted his left arm and looked at the ring with a slowly widening smile before he snuggled closer.

Two hours later Seona knocked cautiously on the door of Russell’s room to ask if Danny wanted to go home with his parents, even if she knew the answer would be no. When she didn’t get an answer at all she smiled, sighed, and headed back downstairs to inform Danny’s parents that the two were asleep. 

“Let him sleep,” Danny’s mother said. “God knows he needs it after yesterday, and I can’t imagine he slept much last night, either.”  
“I guess he is welcome here,” Danny’s father added while looking at Anders with his facial expression that might have been a smile.  
“He’s more than welcome,” Anders replied and held out his hand. “It was nice finally meeting you, Roger.”  
“The pleasure is all mine.” Roger shook Anders’s hand and let go again.  
“Dorothy.”   
Dorothy smiled back and shook Anders’s hand too.  
“You should come over for dinner some time,” Anders said.   
“We’d love to,” Dorothy replied, and after another round of smiles, Danny’s parents headed home again.

“Hard to imagine,” Seona said after a moment.  
“What is?” Anders looked at her.  
“That he has given Danny such a hard time for years.”  
“Well.” Anders stared at the door again. “He does love his son; he just fucked up in showing it. But he has come around.”  
“He has.” Seona turned around and slung both arms around Anders’s middle. “Not everyone is as awesome a dad as you.”

Anders closed his arms around Seona in turn. “Am I qualified for another Awesome Dad Award?”  
“Definitely.” Seona smiled at him. “And pretty soon you’ll qualify for an Awesome Father-in-law Award, too.”  
“And boy, am I looking forward to that,” Anders said with a happy grin.


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trying to find his feet again.

Russell jerked awake with a yelp because of a cramp in his leg. It didn’t take Danny more than a second to switch from deep sleep to fully awake and he quickly sat up, took Russell’s leg and helped him stretch it out. It was a vicious motherfucker of a cramp, though, and it took ages to wear off again. 

It was late evening at that point, but now that they were awake, they went downstairs to find something to eat. Anders and Seona were in the living room but when Anders heard them come down the stairs, he went into the kitchen and switched on the oven. He had made lamb casserole, but instead of one large dish he had used two smaller ones, and now he put the second one into the oven to be re-heated. 

After polishing off a whole glass of olives filled with almonds, the two then made short work of the casserole as well. They joined Anders and Seona for a glass of wine in the living room but after that went to bed again. 

Danny woke up again in the middle of the night because Russell left the bed. When he failed to return, however, Danny got up as well and headed downstairs. He found Russell in the living room in front of the TV.

“Dude?”  
Russell looked up and shrugged. “My sleep schedule is totally fucked up. I’m still tired, but I can’t sleep anymore.”  
Danny sat down next to him. “It’s going to take a while to get that straight again.”  
Russell closed his eyes and leaned back into the sofa. “I know.”

Danny moved closer and draped one arm around his shoulders. “Come on. We get this sorted.”  
Russell managed a small grin. “That’s what my dad always says.”  
“I know. And he’s right.”

Russell closed his eyes and leaned against Danny who closed his arms around him. 

“Know what bothers me?” Danny asked.  
“What?”  
“That I hoped to have a whole weekend with you before I have to go to work, and now it’s only tomorrow.”

Russell just shrugged, and Danny pulled him close. “We gotta make the best of it. I could call in sick Monday.”  
“I guess you’d better not.” Russell lifted his head to look at him. “I mean, you told them you took Friday off because your boyfriend came home from abroad, and if you call in sick Monday they know you’re not sick at all.”  
Danny nodded. “I know. I was just entertaining the thought.”  
“Don’t do it.” Russell snuggled closer again. “It’s too important.”  
“I know,” Danny said again with a sigh. “Gonna be a long week until Friday.”

After a sigh, Russell sat back again and reached out to sift a few strands of Danny’s hair through his fingers. Danny smiled and closed his eyes and let Russell toy with his hair.

“You should go to bed,” Russell said after a few minutes. “Your day-night rhythm isn’t totally fubar.”  
“And let you sit here alone?”  
“And let me sit here alone. There’s no point in keeping you awake. You gotta be fit tomorrow to keep me awake during the day so I can get a grip on this.”  
“Point.” Danny ran his fingers through Russell’s hair now. “But the bed is really fucking empty without you.”  
Russell sighed again and shook his head. “I know. I’d rather sit here and catch up and everything, but then we’d both be fucked over tomorrow.”

After a moment in which the two looked at each other they leaned forward for a kiss. They closed their arms around each other as they deepened the kiss, and within a few heartbeats their kisses turned from tender and soft to open-mouthed, hungry and almost wild. 

They both were breathing heavily into the kisses while hands roamed and fingers dug into arms, backs and hair as each of them tried to grab the other everywhere at once. Their heavy breaths turned into moans as Danny pulled Russell into his lap, and Russell buried his fingers into Danny’s hair again with his fingernails digging into Danny’s scalp. 

They continued to kiss with a feral passion until they were so short of breath they had to part again. Then they clung to each other, hands now roaming gently and touching softly again where moments before, fingers had dug into flesh hard enough to leave marks. 

Russell buried his face into the crook of Danny’s neck. “I can’t even pop a proper boner.”  
Danny chuckled. “You’re too drained.”  
“My dick probably hasn’t realized yet it’s back on duty.”  
“If it hasn’t done that after the way we just kissed then we have a problem,” Danny said with a chuckle and toyed with a strand of Russell’s hair. “You just don’t have the energy.”  
“And what about you?”  
Danny looked at him. “What about me?”  
“You have a boner.”

After a soft snort Danny shook his head. “Of course I have a boner after this. I haven’t been in transit for fifty plus hours and not been in the danger of getting under fire from machine guns so… my body is maybe not in dire need of recovery.”  
“But…”  
“Russ, my boners aren’t your business.”  
“What do you mean?” Russell looked slightly hurt. “Since when…”  
“Okay, sorry… let me specify.” Danny booped Russell’s nose. “Until you’re up to speed again, my boners aren’t your business.”

Russell closed his eyes and exhaled long and hard. 

“Fuck everything,” he muttered then and curled up into Danny’s embrace again.

Danny silently closed his arms around him and held on, but after less than a minute he had to yawn.

“Go to bed,” Russell said and leaned back. “I’m still here tomorrow and I need you awake.”  
“You mentioned that before.” Danny stretched and yawned again. “Just promise me you come back to bed when you’re tired and don’t attempt to sleep on the sofa because you don’t want to wake me up.”  
“I do not want to wake you up.” Russell watched Danny get up. “Apart from needing you awake tomorrow you gotta be not sleep-deprived on Monday when you gotta go to work.”  
“You are not…”  
“No, I am not sleeping on the sofa,” Russell cut in with a pout. “But I won’t wake you up, so I’ll take the guest room. End of discussion.”

Danny scratched the back of his neck, then he bent down and kissed Russell’s forehead. 

“See you tomorrow,” he muttered and ran a hand through Russell’s hair.  
“See you tomorrow,” Russell replied. 

He curled up on the sofa and wrapped himself into the blanket again while Danny headed upstairs. It was in the small hours of the night when he was finally able to go to bed again, but after a glance into his room he realised that the bed was empty. The door to the guest room was slightly ajar, though, and Russell sighed and crawled into his bed again.

* * *

When Danny woke up the first thing he did, after using the bathroom, was checking Russell’s room. 

Satisfied that the bed was obviously occupied he went downstairs and made coffee while Anders was reading the weekend paper. But instead of heading upstairs again he sat down at the table and made another cup for Anders too.

“Thank you,” the latter said as Danny put the cup down. “You’re up early.”  
Danny looked at the clock on the oven. “It’s past nine.”  
“Guess I’m more used to my son.” Anders winked.  
“Guess so, too.” Danny grinned into his cup. “Russell is so not a morning person.”

They exchanged a smile. 

“Danny,” Anders said then and folded his arms onto the table. “I want to make you an offer.”  
Danny raised both eyebrows while carefully taking a sip of his coffee. When he discovered it was still too hot he put it down again.   
“See, I was thinking,” Anders began. “I mean if I was you, I wouldn’t want to let Russell out of my sight again, at least for the time being. But I know you have to go to work and uni too, so I thought, instead of driving around like mad between here and work and uni and home, you could stay here for a while.”

Danny stared at him with parted lips. 

“Obviously, you’re not moving in,” Anders continued. “I thought maybe for two weeks or three. I mean, I just think you want to be around each other as much as possible, and if you just stay here for a bit you can at least have breakfast and dinner together and spent the rest of the time in each other’s company too.”  
“Uhm...” Danny combed his hair back with his fingers. “Uh... wow... that’s awesome. I mean... I can do a grocery run every now...”  
“Like fuck you do,” Anders interrupted him. “Besides, I’m not completely selfless here. We both know that once the immediate exhaustion has worn off Russell will need to go and speak to his therapist again. There’s not a chance in hell that what happened in Hamad will just pass without a trace.”  
Dropping his head, Danny stared into his cup. “I know,” he muttered. “Fuck that.”

Anders shook his head and took his cup. “It kind of... it’s kind of fucked up in several ways,” he said hesitantly. “I never wanted for the life of me for Russell to have to go through anything like that, but without it...”  
Danny swallowed hard. “Without it he wouldn’t be here anymore,” he finished in a husky whisper and looked up again.

The two looked at each other in silence. 

“So,” Anders said gently. “As fucked up as it is, we have to be grateful it happened. But now we also gotta pick up the pieces.”  
“I know.”  
“I know you know that,” Anders said. “And I know that you know how to take care of him. And I know, in fact, that by now you’re much better at it than I am.”  
“What?” Danny’s cup came to a halt in mid-air, hovering in front of his mouth. “How do you know that?”  
“Because he said so himself,” Anders replied with a smile.   
“Oh.” Danny took a deep breath and then a sip of coffee. “I didn’t... He didn’t tell me that.”

Anders looked at him for a moment. “Maybe he thought you’d know anyway.”  
Danny shrugged, somewhat helplessly.

They continued to have their coffee in silence, but when it was getting close to ten, Danny made two coffees and headed upstairs. True, Russell never was and never would be a morning person, but if they were to get a grip on his jet lag and the fucked up sleep schedule he shouldn’t sleep half of the day away. 

Danny cautiously opened the door to Russell’s room and sighed. Russell was buried under the blanket and also into the pillow, and as he stepped closer he could only see, apart from an unruly mop of hair, one closed eye, a bit of the nose and a bit of cheek. 

He put his own cup down onto the nightstand and leaned closer to Russell with the other. He blew softly onto the coffee and right into Russell’s face. Russell didn’t even twitch.   
Danny repeated the move, blowing coffee steam into Russell’s face, and after the third attempt, Russell began to move. He hummed.

Another soft gust of coffee, and Danny could see a dimple appear on the patch of Russell’s cheek that was visible. Then Russell peeled his face out of the pillow.

“Morning,” Danny said gently.  
Russell hummed.  
“Time to get up. I brought you a coffee, though, to make it easier.”  
Now Russell lifted his head and smiled. His voice was still soft and husky from sleep. “Cuddle?”

Danny chuckled, put down the cup on the nightstand and took off his jeans, then quickly slid under the blanket into the warm, cosy nest made by Russell’s body. Russell snuggled into Danny’s embrace and pressed his face into Danny’s shoulder.

After rubbing his face against it, Russell leaned back and tugged at Danny’s shirt. “Off.”  
“Can you still talk in more than one word sentences?”  
“Just take off your shirt,” Russell muttered while he sat up and pulled his own over his head.

Danny chuckled but took off his shirt as well, and once back under the blanket they snuggled tightly together again, skin on skin this time. But when, at one point, Danny tried to tug Russell’s face closer for a kiss Russell resisted and looked away.

“Morning breath,” he muttered. “Not gonna kiss you like that.”  
“Coffee?” Danny sat up and reached for the cups. “Coffee makes everything better. Even morning breath.”

Russell grinned and turned onto his belly, and Danny did the same after handing him the cup. They lay side by side, their hips and legs touching, with their cups before them. They drank most of their coffee in companionable silence. 

After adjusting his cup so he could hold it securely with one hand, Danny draped an arm across Russell’s back. 

“Your dad has offered me to sort of move in here, temporarily. For two or three weeks, I mean. He said he’s sure we want to be together as much as we can, so I can stay here and go to work from here. I’ll be away for more than eight hours a day, but we can have the rest of the time.”  
“My dad is fucking awesome,” Russell said with a sigh and handed Danny his empty cup.  
“Your dad is absolutely beyond comparison.” Danny took the cup and put both of them on the nightstand again.

Russell turned onto his side to look at him, and Danny turned onto his side as well. They moved closer, arms around each other so they were chest against chest, then they entwined their legs.

“I missed you so much,” Russell whispered and swallowed. “I never thought I could miss anyone this much.”  
Danny opened his mouth and shut it again after a second, shaking his head.  
“Danny?”   
“Too heavy thoughts,” Danny replied in a low and somewhat rough voice. “I... I did a lot of thinking, but... not now. And it’s not because I don’t want to talk about it because I do. Just not now. Not yet.”

Russell nodded and lifted his left arm to sift his fingers through Danny’s hair. After having done that a few times he rolled over onto his back, his left hand still in the air. And after turning onto his back as well, Danny slowly lifted his left arm and entwined their fingers so their rings were touching. They both looked at those rings for a moment. 

“It’s amazing,” Danny whispered then. “It’s perfect.”  
“I know you said you don’t need one but I thought...”  
“You didn’t need one either, but I wanted to give you one,” Danny interrupted him gently. “Now you returned the favour and I couldn’t be any happier.”

Russell smiled at him, and Danny sighed with a shake of his head. They let go and put their arms around each other again.

Danny nuzzled Russell’s hair. “I never want to let you out of my sight again, but that’s stupid.”  
“Yes, you’re rather protective right now.”  
“You gotta tell me if it gets too overbearing,” Danny said with a frown.   
“It’s okay,” Russell replied with a smile. “You can be my mother hen for a while. And my watchdog.”  
“What’ll it be? Mother hen or watchdog?” Danny was grinning again.  
“Maybe both?” Russell’s grin widened. “Though that’d be a totally shit-ass weird griffin.”  
“A what?” Danny snorted. “A griffin made from a watchdog and a mother hen?”

They looked at each other and burst out laughing. Then Russell made a few clucking noises and Danny rolled on top of him and playfully nipped his shoulder with a fake growl. Russell tried to push him off and eventually poked him in the ribs, and when Danny fell back with a suffocated little squeal Russell jumped on him. Danny tried to ward him off and they tumbled out of the bed, laughing like idiots.

They kept rolling around on the carpet for a while, still laughing, but at one point Russell came to rest on top of Danny, his hair all over the place. Danny’s laughter ebbed off into a smile and he buried both hands into Russell’s tousled hair. Russell stilled, and their eyes met. Moments later their lips met as well in a passionate kiss. 

As they kissed, Danny’s hands were roaming Russell’s back and shoulders, and at one point, travelled down his arms. But when Danny’s hands came to rest on Russell’s the latter quickly straightened up for a moment, closed his fingers around Danny’s hands and let himself fall forward again, pinning Danny’s hands down next to his head.

Danny’s eyes widened and since Russell was straddling his hips, the effect this had on Danny was instantly obvious. They stared at each other for the duration of a heartbeat.

“Please let go of me,” Danny whispered hoarsely.  
Russell immediately let go and straightened up. “We need to talk about this,” he said softly.  
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Danny replied and looked away.

Russell lowered himself down next to Danny again and rested a hand on his cheek, gently turning his head so Danny was looking at him again. He wordlessly pulled him into a kiss and when Danny relaxed again, he slung both arms around him. 

Russell didn’t press the matter. He wouldn’t bring it up again, either. He knew that now, after they had acknowledged it, they would talk about it eventually. When Danny was ready. 

They continued to kiss until both their stomachs announced with very pointed growls that it was long past breakfast time. 

They took turns in taking showers and headed downstairs where Anders made them a huge breakfast that turned into a brunch, since he and Seona joined them again. 

And since sitting around on a sofa doesn’t really help against being tired and doesn’t help with warding off sleep either, Russ and Danny took a walk to Mission Bay Beach. Russell complained for about half of the twenty minutes it took to go there that his back and legs and knees hurt, but after being in motion for some time the stiffness abated. 

They bought a bag of doughnuts and settled down at the beach, warding off seagulls as they ate. They had one arm around the other, Danny around Russell’s shoulders and Russell around Danny’s back, and they looked into the waves and at Waiheke Island in silence for quite some time.

“I was so homesick,” Russell whispered at one point. “I was so fucking homesick I couldn’t believe it. I always thought I could be a globetrotter. Apparently, I can’t.”  
“Give it time,” Danny replied and with his free hand, took Russell’s other hand that was resting in his lap. “You just came home.”  
“I know.” Russell sighed. “Going to Norway was the stupidest idea ever. I mean...” He stared straight ahead and sighed. “I should have known something like this would happen. But I ignored it. I should have known right from the beginning that what happened in Norway the first time round would affect this. I chose to ignore it. See where it got me.”

Danny sighed and pulled him closer. “It was your dream. Of course you tried to ignore it. You didn’t want to give up your dream.”  
Russell shrugged.  
“Hey.” Danny nudged Russell’s temple with his nose. “I’m sorry it happened and everything went to shit. But I promise that if there’s ever anything I can do, then I’ll do it.”

Now Russell smiled. “Thank you. I know you mean it.”  
“Damn right I do.”

After another long silence, Russell sighed again. 

“It wasn’t...” He began hesitantly. “It wasn’t just because of you I was homesick,” he said. “It was... it was everyone. My dad, Seona, my family. My friends. The band. I mean... I looked out over Oslo from the hostel window and all I could see was the skyline of Auckland. I was dying to hear some Kiwis again, and I think without the three girls I’d have gone mad up there. I just... I don’t think I can live somewhere else.”  
“As I said, you just came home from what turned out to be a disaster. Give it time.”

Russell leaned against him and Danny closed both arms firmly around him. Russell buried into his embrace and pressed his face against Danny’s shoulder.

“It’s totally okay if you’re a mother hen right now,” he whispered thickly. “’Cause right now I feel as if you’re the only thing that’s holding me together.” Then the tears broke free. “Shit... sorry...”  
Danny pulled him even closer and buried his face into Russell’s curls. “Hey, it’s okay. You’ve just come home yesterday after more than fifty hours in planes and airports, plus the scare of your lifetime. You’re exhausted. It’s okay.”

Then he adjusted his position and held Russell with one arm while pulling out his phone with the other. He placed a kiss onto Russell’s temple and called Anders.

“Hey, can you pick us up at Mission Bay Beach? I think Russell’s not really... okay. Great. See you in a bit.”

He slipped the phone back into his pocket. 

“Sorry,” Russell sniffled into his shoulder.  
“Hey.” Danny kissed Russell’s forehead. “It’s okay. You’re knackered. You’re drained. You’ve got no shields right now. It’s fine. We get you home and then you get some coffee and I can buy you a few more doughnuts if you want.”

Then he got up, took both of Russell’s hands and gently but firmly heaved Russell up onto his feet again. He slung one arm around Russell and steered him towards the car park, and they didn’t have to wait long until Anders showed up. 

“Hey,” he said as Russ and Danny got into the backseat.   
“Hey Dad.” Russell closed his eyes.   
“Anders?”  
“Hm?”  
Danny cast Russell a look, but the latter still had his eyes closed. “Can you make a detour via the store?”  
“Sure thing.”

Russ and Anders waited in the car and when Danny came back with a shopping bag, Russell was able to smile again. 

Once back in Godden Crescent Danny deposited Russell on the sofa, made a blanket burrito out of him and unpacked his bag while Anders made coffee. He had bought Jet Planes and Peanut Slabs and Pineapple Lumps and a Chocolate Fish. 

Russell frowned at the heap of sweets on the sofa table. “Are you fattening me up for Christmas?”  
“As if you ever had any second thoughts about polishing off a bag of Jet Planes.”

Russell chuckled and Danny opened the bag. He took one out and held it out to Russell who ate it from Danny’s fingers. 

They spent the rest of the afternoon on the sofa with Danny feeding Russell sweets and Anders supplying coffee and tea, while Seona had her feet up as well while being pampered by her husband. 

Just before he had to start making dinner Anders gave Danny a lift home to get his things, and Russell couldn’t be dissuaded from coming along. 

Danny’s parents greeted them friendly and asked if they would stay for dinner, but they declined. 

“I’m staying with Russ for a few days,” Danny explained then. “Anders asked me if I wanted to and... uh...” He shrugged with a small grin.  
“You can’t really say no to that,” his mother said with a smile. “Of course.”

They exchanged a grin and went upstairs. Russell sat on the bed while Danny packed, but of course, at one point his eyes fell onto the portrait and the Kintsugi bowl.

“Did you stupid fucker build me an altar?”  
Danny looked up with a grin. “Technically not. I realised a few days later how it would look to you, but I like it.”  
Russell frowned at the arrangement on Danny’s desk. “I really don’t need to be worshipped. I’m not a god.”  
“Of course you don’t have to be worshipped.” Danny had finished packing his clothes and now got the backpack ready with the things he needed for work. “But I do worship you.”  
“What else?” Russell crossed his arms. “A mother hen, a watchdog, and a worshipper?”

Danny grinned and finished packing. Then he headed over to the bed and went down onto his knees, resting both hands on Russell’s thighs. 

“The fact that I adore you and worship the ground you walk on has nothing to do with you being the son of Bragi,” he said in a low voice. “And if you’re worried about that... I still see us as equals.”  
Russell managed a smile and ran his fingers through Danny’s hair. “You have no idea how important that is to me,” he whispered.  
“I do,” Danny said, squeezed Russell’s legs and got up. “That’s why I’m saying it.” Then he leaned forward for a quick kiss. “I’m good to go.”

Russell got up with a smile and followed Danny downstairs. Danny said good bye to his parents, and the two headed back to Godden Crescent in Danny’s car. 

Russ and Danny went straight to bed again after dinner, and even though Russell insisted that Danny should sleep in the guest room so he wouldn’t wake up every time Russell woke up, Danny would hear nothing of it. 

That night Russell woke up because of another cramp, but after it had gone again Russell started to apologize for being so high maintenance, and when Danny settled back down with him to hold him, Russell went so thoroughly and completely to pieces that he was shaking with sobs for almost an hour. 

Danny held him, running a hand down his back in silence, and just let him get it all out. Eventually Russell fell asleep in Danny’s arms with his head bedded on Danny’s chest, and even though he was dead tired himself Danny forced himself to stay awake for a bit longer, just to be able to listen to Russell’s breathing. Then he buried his face into Russell’s hair. 

“I got you, Russ,” he whispered softly. “I got you.”

Russell’s lips twitched into a smile, and Danny closed his eyes and breathed a kiss onto Russell’s forehead before resting his head on the pillow again.


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ups and downs, but moving into the right direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the amazing eeftheotter again for the edit. She's awesome!

When Danny left the house the next morning, Anders informed him he would be working from home that week and Danny didn’t make any effort to hide his relief. After a long hug Russell finally let go of him, and after waving at him one last time before he got into the car, Russell headed into the living room and burrowed into blankets on the sofa. 

Anders brought him a coffee and sat down beside him. 

“Hey,” he said gently. “I know we’re being a bit...”  
“It’s okay,” Russell interrupted him. “Danny’s being the ultimate mother hen right now, and I honestly...” He looked up at his father. “I don’t mind, honestly.”  
“Don’t mind being pampered and taken care of?” Anders asked with a smile.  
Russell slunk deeper into his blankets and nodded.  
“It’s okay,” Anders said and patted Russell’s knee. “We all got the scare of our lifetime. So if wrapping you in cotton wool helps all of us to cope with this, there is no reason why we shouldn’t.”

Russell buried even deeper into the blankets and closed his eyes. And looking at him, Anders was very harshly reminded of the scared and wounded little boy from fifteen years ago. Some of these wounds had never healed, and never would, and it just wasn’t fair that life kept throwing these shit balls at him. After running a hand through Russell’s hair with a sigh, Anders got up and fetched his laptop. He settled down at the dining table and forced himself to focus.

Not much later he could hear the TV, and after a moment he realised that it was a news broadcast regarding the plane crash. Having his doubts that Russell should watch this he got up and headed into the living room. 

“I’m not sure this is a good idea,” he said after sitting down again.  
Russell looked at him and shrugged. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea either... I just feel I have to know.”  
“Know what?”  
Russell shrugged again. “I don’t really know. More than I do now.”

Another video of the crash site appeared on the screen, filmed from a boat this time. Soldiers climbed out of a dinghy on board the ship, and a few wreckage parts had been assembled on deck. There were also a few pieces of luggage. 

A narrator voice talked emotionlessly about the fact that even with the combined efforts of the New Zealand and Australian navy, only a few bodies and body parts had been recovered so far. 

Anders looked at Russell who was staring at the screen with wide eyes and a pale face. 

The narrator then went on to the fact that the black box had been found earlier that day, and the video changed to an underwater view filmed by the ROV that had recovered the black box from the depth of five kilometres. It was now on its way to Auckland and now the authorities had hopes of at least finding the source of the accident. 

“It doesn’t really matter, though, does it?” Russell looked at his father. “It doesn’t make a difference. Four hundred people are dead. Knowing why they died won’t make a difference, will it?”  
“Probably not.” Anders looked at the screen again.  
Russell’s voice was low and hoarse. “They won’t even have graves,” he said. “All those people who lost someone... they won’t even have a grave.”  
“Russell, you shouldn’t be watching this,” Anders said firmly and took the remote.  
“Hang on,” Russell said and leaned a little forward.

The next video showed the airport. In the terminal where EK448 should have come in people were putting flowers and candles down, left notes or cards on the walls. 

“I need to go there,” Russell whispered. “Dad, I need to go there.”  
“I don’t think so,” Anders replied.  
Russell looked up at him again with burning eyes. “I have to go there, Dad. I... I have to. I have to.”  
“Russell...”  
“Dad... please. I just... I don’t know why. I think I... I have to put a candle there too.”  
“Why?”  
Russell took a deep breath. “Because it could have been me. It should have been me. I should have been on that plane... and by sheer bloody chance I wasn’t.”

Anders shook his head. “Russell...”  
“Dad, please. I need to go there.”

Huffing out a heavy breath, Anders got up and switched the TV off before putting the remote down. “I get that you feel you have to go there, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.”  
Russell peeled himself out of the blankets without taking his eyes off his father. “Dad...”  
“Yes, okay.” Anders gave him a hand up. “If you really feel you have to, then you probably do. Good idea or not.”

Russell didn’t reply and went upstairs to change. Anders got the car keys and got the car out of the garage. 

They were both silent on the way to the airport, and Russell just clutched the small white candle he had bought in the first store they had passed. 

Despite it being Monday there were a lot of people there, and hundreds must have already been there to put down their candles, flowers and deliver their condolences. Russell stepped hesitantly towards the wall and then went down onto one knee to light his candle on one of those that were burning there already. He put it down and closed his eyes. 

Anders watched him with hawk eyes from a few steps away. 

Russell spent a few minutes in silence, thinking of the moment of horror when the plane had been stormed by armed soldiers in Hamad, and the fact that this very moment of horror had saved his life. He took a deep, deep breath and lifted his head, and when he opened his eyes again, he saw him. 

Danny was kneeling in front of the wall only a few steps away from him. Black denim, black leather coat, combat boots, and his dark hair falling around and hiding his face. His right hand was touching one of the notes on the wall, and his shoulders were shaking with sobs. 

Feeling as if someone had poured a bucket of ice water over his head Russell blinked, and he was gone. 

Russell staggered to his feet but Anders was at his side that very moment. He had no idea, of course, what his son had just seen, but he clearly saw that something had very suddenly shaken him. He took Russell’s elbow in a firm grip, and Russell let himself be steered away and outside and into the car without a word. 

“I saw him,” he whispered after ten minutes.  
“Saw who?” Anders asked cautiously.  
“Danny,” Russell replied hardly audibly. “He was kneeling there and he was... he was crying. He was...” 

His voice broke, and Anders was lucky enough to spot a free parking space at the side of the road. He pulled over and leaned towards Russell to take both of his hands. Russell took his hands and looked up, but he was nowhere near a panic attack. There was a very deep-seated pain in his eyes, but no fear. Anders tightened his hold around Russell’s hands.

“You...” Russell was unable to continue.  
“Yes,” Anders said, knowing fully well now what was on his son’s mind. “It was agony. It was the worst moment of my life. Worse than the ER back then. Because there wasn’t any hope. There was no hope to ever see you again.”  
Russell blinked, and his eyes spilled over.  
“It was a nightmare,” Anders said. “But we were lucky enough that that’s all it was. We woke up.”  
“I’m so sorry,” Russell whispered.  
“What for?” Anders tilted his head. “For being held at gunpoint for several hours or for the fact that those fuckers broke your phone?”  
Russell took a deep breath. “That you hurt so much. All of you.”  
“It’s still not your fault,” Anders said gently. “And that’s important. Yes, it was like a bullet to the gut. But do not blame yourself. Nothing of that was your fault.”

After a moment, Russell wiped the back of his hand across his face and nodded. 

Once they were home Russell immediately changed into his sweatpants and the oversized sweater again and sent Danny a text, asking him to call him. But it was more than two hours before Russell’s phone finally rang.

 _“Hey Russ, sorry we don’t have phones during work. I’m on my break right now. What’s up?”_  
“Hey Danny.” Russell closed his eyes.  
_“Shit, Russell, what’s wrong?”_  
“I just had to hear your voice.”  
_“Russell...”_  
“I just... I just had to hear your voice,” Russell said again.  
Danny sighed. _“Oh Russ... I’m okay, right? I know it sucks, but I’m home in a few hours and then I can cuddle the shit out of you.”_  
His eyes still closed, Russell managed a small smile. “Sounds great. How long is your break?”  
_“Half an hour, but I haven’t eaten yet.”_  
“Oh, okay. Do that.”  
_“Will do. Take care, Russ. See you later.”_  
“See you.”

Russell dropped the phone and buried into his blanket nest again. Anders brought him a coffee that he accepted with a smile, and he didn’t switch the TV on again.

Anders let him have a small nap after lunchtime, but woke him again after an hour. Russell spent the rest of the afternoon in his blanket fort watching movies and he avoided everything even remotely resembling the news. And when the doorbell rang at half past four he shot out of the sofa so fast that he almost got tangled in his blankets.

“We need to get Danny a key,” Anders said as he headed towards the door, but before he had reached it Russell shot past him. 

Russell tore the door open and threw his arms around Danny as if he hadn’t seen him in weeks. 

“Hey,” Danny said and closed his arms around him.  
“Hey,” Russell muttered into his hair.

After a moment, Danny looked up and at Anders. “Did anything happen?”  
“Just come in first,” Anders replied. “And you probably want a shower too.”  
“You bet.”  
Russell let go of him with a muttered apology. 

After placing a kiss onto Russell’s forehead, Danny dropped his backpack next to his boots and headed for the kitchen to grab a banana. Having disposed of the peel he headed upstairs and was back downstairs again fifteen minutes later, hair still moist. He joined Russell on the sofa and Russell immediately crawled into his embrace. 

“What happened?” Danny asked softly after kissing his temple.

Russell buried his face into the crook of his neck and hesitantly, told him about the airport and even more hesitantly, about the trick his mind had played on him. As he talked, Danny closed his arms tighter and tighter around him. Russell was in tears by the time he had finished and Danny held him as tightly as he could while softly murmuring reassurances into Russell’s hair. Eventually Russell calmed down again and Danny gently pressed his finger under Russell’s chin to make him look up, and then kissed him. 

Russell relaxed into the kiss with a deep, deep sigh, and they spent some time kissing while holding each other tight. Seona came home a bit later and said a friendly ‘hi’ into the living room, but Danny just lifted one arm and waved since Russell had fallen asleep and he didn’t want to wake him up. 

When Anders announced that dinner was ready Danny woke Russell up with a few kisses, and they headed towards the table hand in hand. Anders had changed the seating arrangements; previously, he and Seona had been sitting opposite each other and Russell and Danny too, now Seona was sitting next to him so Russell and Danny could sit side by side. 

Danny still wouldn’t hear anything about sleeping in the guest room, so he was there and could immediately have his arms around Russell when the expected nightmare came that night. And after Russell had calmed down again Danny spooned him and fell asleep not long after him.

* * *

The rest of the week passed in the same rhythm. Danny went to work, and Russell tried to kill the time at home trying not to fall asleep until he came back. They would spend the rest of the day in what Anders called ‘the human pretzel’ and Seona ‘the puppy pile’ on the sofa. With the passing days Russell slept less during the daytime and better at night, though, and Friday morning he awoke for the first time since coming home feeling actually rested and less tired than when he had gone to bed.

They took a walk to Mission Bay Beach that afternoon where they met up with Emma, and the three spent some time eating doughnuts and enjoying each other’s company. Emma gave her boys a lift home shortly before dinner time, and after they had went to bed Russ and Danny spent some time kissing and cuddling before they fell asleep curled up around each other.

* * *

Russell couldn’t exactly remember what he had dreamed that night, but he could remember that one thing: It had featured him and Danny and a sofa and relatively little clothing. It was only that one memory like a picture in his mind when he woke up that Saturday morning.

And he did wake up with a raging boner.

Next to him Danny was still asleep and with gritted teeth, Russell adjusted his crotch and willed the bastard to go away. Danny didn’t have to get up for work and he had every right to sleep in, especially after having been woken up at least once each night for the past week. 

The memory of his dream ghosted around in his mind however, and his boner refused to go away. But just as he was debating if he should try and sneak out of the bed, Danny turned onto his back with a questioning hum. 

“Shit,” Russell whispered. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”  
Danny turned his head to look at him and frowned when he saw Russell’s pathetic attempt at a smile. “What’s wrong?”  
“I...” Russell closed his eyes and snuggled closer again.

Danny closed his arms around him and buried his nose into Russell’s hair, and Russell draped one arm across Danny’s chest and one leg across his hips. Danny’s eyes flew open.

“Oh,” he said softly.  
Russell buried his face into the crook of Danny’s neck.  
“Want me to do something about that?” Danny asked with a tiny smile.  
After a moment’s hesitation Russell took a deep breath. “Please,” he whispered.

Danny smiled and pushed Russell gently away, but as he was about to vanish under the blanket, Russell closed his hand around Danny’s shoulder. 

“Your hand,” he whispered then. “Please... I want you to hold me.”

Danny smiled even wider and adjusted his position, pulled Russell close with one arm and let the other hand roam down Russell’s chest and abdomen. Russell inhaled sharply when Danny slid his fingers into Russell’s briefs. 

Russell pressed his face against Danny’s shoulder as Danny pushed the briefs out of the way, and he couldn’t breathe for a few moments when Danny’s hand closed around his almost painfully hard cock. 

He could hear Danny’s heart beating faster now but he didn’t go for any finesse or teasing; Russell just needed relief and Danny did his best to give it to him. He paused only once to push the blanket off, and immediately afterwards closed his hand around Russell’s cock again in a firm but gentle grip, stroking him off in a sure, steady rhythm.

It took mere moments before Russell tensed and came, his long, drawn-out moan muffled by Danny’s chest that he was pressing his face against. Danny gently worked him through the aftershocks still holding him close, and after wiping his fingers on the bed sheet, pulled him closer so Russell’s head was resting against his chest while carding the fingers of the other through Russell’s hair. 

Russell’s breathing was slowly calming down and he placed a soft kiss onto the skin under Danny’s chin. Then Danny let go of him and sat up, and after looking at him for a moment, tugged at a fold of Russell’s shirt.

“Take that off, that needs a wash now.”

Russell smiled, opened his eyes and laboriously sat up. Danny helped him get the shirt over his head without smearing jizz into his hair and used it to wipe off residual stains while Russell pulled his briefs back on. When Russell settled back down Danny took his shirt off as well and the two snuggled up again under the blanket.

“Should I return the favour?” Russell muttered.  
“Later,” Danny replied and toyed with a strand of Russell’s hair. “Just wanna hold you right now.”

Russell smiled and ran a hand down Danny’s chest. He paused when his hand reached the waistline of Danny’s boxer shorts.

“Still not my business?”  
Danny chuckled. “If you insist...”

Russell sighed and placed a kiss onto the side of Danny’s neck while slowly slipping his hand into Danny’s boxers. Danny stopped smiling and bit his lip with a deep, heavy sigh.

“God, Danny, I missed your cock so much...”

Danny’s cock twitched as if to say that he had missed Russell too.

“Shit, I want your cock.” Russell sat up. “Now.” And with that he dived under the blanket.

Danny’s eyes widened and his mouth fell open, and moments later his eyes rolled back and he pressed his head into the pillow with a moan. His breathing quickly picked up speed and he pulled the pillow out from under his head to press it onto his face to muffle the sounds he couldn’t stop himself from making. 

“I’m not out of practice, am I?” Russell asked with a mischievous little chuckle from under the blanket.  
Danny gasped and seemed to have forgotten how to make words.  
Russell chuckled again. “I take that as a no,” he said and went back to the task at hand. Or mouth, as it were.

He definitely wasn’t out of practice and Danny’s cock was as starved for loving attention as Russell’s had been, even if Danny had been able to properly take care of his boners. And for the first time Russell not just didn’t mind but actually enjoyed swallowing because he just wanted to drink him dry. 

Afterwards he snuggled up against Danny again after pulling the pillow from his face, and once Danny’s brain had sorted itself out again, they arranged themselves on the pillow and under the blanket again. 

Russell entwined their fingers and lifted Danny’s hand, then lifted them to look at their joined hands.

“I haven’t seen you wear your bracelets yet.”  
Danny tensed with a sigh.  
“Danny?”  
“I’m a fucking idiot,” he said. “I lost them.”  
“What?”  
Danny shook his head with another sigh. “In the gym. I took them off and then forgot to put them in the locker with my other stuff. When I remembered I raced back to the locker room but they were already gone.”  
“Oh fuck.”  
“Yeah.” Danny stared at the ceiling. “I’m sorry. They were awesome, but now they’re gone.”

“Hey,” Russell said after a moment and nudged Danny’s temple with his forehead. “We can buy you another pair when we’re up there.”  
“When we’re up there?” Danny turned his head and had to squint down his nose to look at Russ due to their close proximity.  
“We always talked about going there one day. Ireland and Scotland, I mean.”  
“Got any specific plans?” Danny was smiling again.  
“Dunno.” Russell’s smile changed its quality. “Maybe our honeymoon?”  
Danny looked at him for a moment with parted lips. “That sounds awesome,” he whispered. 

Russell smiled and kissed him. They continued to kiss for a while, their fingers still entwined, and when they parted, Russell lifted their joined hands again. He then brushed his thumb across Danny’s wrist. 

“I really don’t want...” Danny broke off.  
Russell looked at him with a frown. “I didn’t even say anything!”  
“But you were thinking it.”  
“I was about to say that you just could get another set of lines tattooed on your wrists.”  
“Oh.”

Russell sighed and let go of Danny’s hand again. He placed a gentle kiss on Danny’s cheek and snuggled close. Danny was still tense, and Russell forced himself to remain calm. 

“I really don’t want to talk about it,” Danny said after several uncomfortable minutes.  
“Then don’t, if you’re not ready,” Russell replied gently.  
“Not sure I will ever be.” Danny closed his eyes.  
Russell remained silent and kissed the skin under his cheek.

“I have no idea,” Danny whispered after a long time. “I mean, it’s not even... gross or... especially kinky. I have no idea why this is so hard.”

Russell thought about this for a while. Truth to be told, he had thought about this for a good long while several times already and he had worked on sorting his thoughts on the matter.

“I’m not sure either,” he said. “But I do have a theory.” Then he moved a bit away from Danny and turned onto his side.  
Danny turned onto his side as well so they were facing each other now. “Yes?”  
“Yes. I thought about this as well, you know.” Russell shrugged. “And what I’ve been thinking is... I think it might have to do with your parents.”  
Danny lifted both eyebrows.  
“I mean, they are very conservative and Christian too, and there’s no denying that you got issues about being in any state of undress around everyone but me.”  
After turning onto his back, Danny stared at the ceiling and shook his head.  
“I mean... My dad taught me that my skin is nothing to be ashamed of even if some of it is private. And I can’t imagine that you have ever seen your parents naked.”

Danny snorted so hard he had to sit up and grab a corner of Russell’s soiled T-shirt to wipe his nose and upper lip. Then he fell onto his back again. 

“I’ve seen my dad bare-chested a few times when he was mowing the lawn in summer,” he said hesitantly. “And I mean, we were at the beach a few times when I was little, but I honestly don’t think my dad owns swimming trunks. And my mum wore a bathing suit, but she always wore a beach dress too and only took that off when she went into the water. And she didn’t do that very often.”

“See, that’s what I mean. I know what my dad looks like.” Russell shrugged. “And it’s not that we run around naked through the house when you’re not here, but... I mean, we had a few baths together when I was a boy, but we’re not ashamed to be around each other. It’s not so long ago that my dad accidentally walked in on me when I had just finished taking a shower. He was doing laundry and I had forgotten to lock the bathroom door, and because the shower was turned off he didn’t realise I was in there. So he marched in and I stood there just reaching for a towel in all my naked glory...”  
Danny snorted again, softer this time.  
“And I mean, he immediately apologized and backed out again,” Russell went on with a small grin. “But I wasn’t ashamed or angry or anything. It’s just my dad.”

Russell turned onto his back again but moved closer so their sides were touching. “So my thoughts are that your parents have given you a very narrow comfort zone regarding your body,” he went on. “And so you feel that... you can’t really show any skin other than wearing a tank top and I’m not sure you own a single pair of shorts. And you see every kind of sex that isn’t vanilla as kinky. I mean... it did take you a long time until you were ready to try giving head, for example. And please...” With that he turned onto his side again and propped himself up on one elbow to be able to look at Danny’s face. “I’m not blaming you for anything. I’m not complaining, okay? It’s not your fault. I’m not trying to shame you and I’m not trying to put any kind of pressure onto you. I just tried to explain what I think.”  
“And I think you’re pretty much spot-on,” Danny replied in what was almost a whisper.  
“And I’m not saying you should try and force yourself to get out of your comfort zone either.” Russell rested his other hand on Danny’s chest. “But I promise you that I don’t see that as gross or kinky, and if you’re ever ready to try it, I’m ready too.”

“Not sure I will ever be.” Danny closed his eyes.  
“Probably not,” Russell said as gently as he could. “We both know what we’re talking about, but you haven’t even been able to bring yourself to say it out loud.”  
Danny opened his eyes again. “Fuck,” he whispered.  
“And all that is probably the reason you had such problems with getting to grips with the fact you’re not straight, too.”

After a heavy sigh, Danny closed his eyes again for a moment. Then he stared at the ceiling, his lips working as if he was trying to bring himself to say something but couldn’t. Russell settled back down again and gently trailed his hand up and down Danny’s chest, toying with the dark chest hair. 

“But why...” Danny took a deep, somewhat shaky breath. “Why does... why does the thought of... of being...” He closed his eyes. “Of having my hands tied,” he forcefully pressed out and opened his eyes again. “Why does that turn me on so much?”  
“Because that’s how you tick,” Russell said as matter-of-factly as he could. “People get turned on by all sorts of things. And the only issue I see is that both partners have to be okay with it. Or rather, that both of them want it.”  
Danny swallowed. “I know it’s not really that bad... I mean I looked stuff up on the net, and there’s things out there that...” He shuddered. “I’ll never gonna go there. Ever.”

Russell was still caressing Danny’s chest. “There’s nothing bad about it at all. Having a kink is nothing bad; it’s just something that turns you on. It becomes a bad thing if you would try and force that onto me.”  
“I’d never do that!” Danny turned his head to look at Russ.  
“I know,” Russ hurried to say. “Danny, I know. And that’s my point. I don’t see it as something bad or gross. And I’m sorry and kind of sad that you were made to feel as if it is.”

“And...” Danny sighed. “And you... okay, so you’re not put off by it and...” He broke off.  
“No. No, it doesn’t freak me out either. It doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t worry me. I don’t think it’s ridiculous, or shameful, or embarrassing. The truth is, Danny...” He moved closer and lowered his voice. “I am turned on by that thought too.”  
Danny swallowed audibly.  
“And the last thing I want now is that you feel pressured into doing it despite not wanting, it because you want to give me what I want,” Russell said firmly. “Because we promised each other that anything that ever happens only happens if we both want it. Not just okay with it. Want it.”

Danny was silently staring at the ceiling.

“Hey,” Russell whispered after a while. “Cuddle me?”

After huffing out a heavy breath Danny adjusted his position to close his arms around Russell. He tightened his hold after a moment and Russell moved his hand up from Danny’s chest towards his face to gently caress and scratch his beard. Danny closed his eyes with a hum. 

“Russ...” He whispered after a long moment.  
“Hm?”  
“Do you...” Danny took a deep breath and bit his lips. “Do you have... something too?”  
Russell breathed out a chuckle. “I don’t know if it’s a kink... Maybe it is. I don’t know.” Then he rested his hand on Danny’s chest again. “But it’s... definitely a bit weird. I... uh... tried it with my second boyfriend, but only once because he couldn’t get into it either. So... see, I have a thing for... uhm... role-playing, I think you could call it.”

Danny blinked confusedly at the ceiling. “For what?”  
“Sort of... pretend play? Pretending to play... a scene. Be someone... something else. Like...” Russell groped for words. “Like, pretending to be King and Queen,” he went on after a while. “Or King and Consort in our case. Just... pretending this room is the royal bedroom and pretending we’re the rulers of a vast kingdom and...” Then he paused. “It sounds pretty weird, I know.”  
“And like...” Danny licked his lips. “Calling each other my liege and stuff?”  
“Pretty much.”  
“So like... playing doctor, but less gross and kinky.”  
“Sort of.”

Danny was still staring upward, but now in a thoughtful silence. “I don’t think it’s gross,” he said then. “But it’s definitely a bit weird. But... I mean... not in a bad way.”  
“Not?”  
“No,” Danny replied with a tiny smile. “Though I can’t see myself... I mean, not because I’m freaked out, but I don’t think I could. I wouldn’t have any idea what to say.”

“Pretending to be someone else wouldn’t have to involve a lot of talking on your side. I can do that.” Russell let his hand trail up and down Danny’s chest again and leaned over him. His smile changed its quality and his eyelids lowered. “Like a forest spirit who finds a wanderer who lost his path,” he whispered in a smoky voice and ran one finger down Danny’s cheekbone. “Captured by the mortal’s beauty...”  
Danny swallowed.

Then Russell fell onto his back again, his voice returning to normal. “But yeah... that’s me. Weird in so many ways.”  
“Weird in many creative ways.” Danny said softly. “And then I’m probably weird too for loving your weirdness so much,” he added with a chuckle.  
Now Russell chuckled too. “Then we can be weird together.”

They looked at each other, and shared a relieved laughter, and then an affectionate smile. Danny pulled Russell close to kiss him, and when their kisses heated up, he rolled on top of him, grounding their groins together. 

Not much later a pair of briefs and a pair of boxer shorts had joined the heap of discarded clothes on the floor, and they muffled the sounds they made with hungry, greedy kisses. 

They didn’t hear Seona pad past the door of Russell’s room and down the stairs somewhat later, but the fact that she turned on the radio once downstairs – something she never did after just getting out of bed – bespoke of the fact that the not-hearing hadn’t been mutual.

“Anders, a ghràdh,” she said after sitting down with her tea.  
Anders looked up with a smile.  
“Remember we said we should look for a new car for me?”  
“And you think today would be a perfect choice to go car-hunting?”

Seona smiled, and Anders’s smile turned into a grin.


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trying to move on and not look back is easier said than done. Friends help, though (and alcohol too). But Emma.... seriously?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I finally got over my writer's block and wrote again, and as I wrote I suddenly couldn't stop anymore. And since I couldn't find a point for a cut I just post the chapter as it is. It's huge in comparison to my other chapters but I'm sure you don't mind that.  
> And I didn't make those questions up, only a few of them. The web is a wonderful place and a source for all sorts of weirdness, including lists of Truths and Dares.

The next week started pretty much the same as the last one had ended. Danny went to work and Russell stayed at home. He felt restored enough, however, that he could assure his father that he could go to work again. 

Now that he was alone in the house Russell needed to find more ways to pass the time, and he tried to occupy himself with more meaningful activities than gaming or watching TV. Since there had not necessarily to be an embarrassing reason for it he gave the house a thorough hoovering and dusting, and he did the laundry as well that week. He did grocery runs and got his car back on the road. He had un-registered it for the time in Norway to save the money, now he sorted the paperwork to get a number plate again. 

What he also did, on Thursday morning, was to go to the university. He did so with a heavy heart but it was something he had to do, and after no more than half an hour he left the administration again with the paperwork confirming his removal from the student register. 

Now he was well and truly adrift. 

Wiping his eyes Russell headed back towards his car and fell into the driver’s seat. He stared at the papers on the passenger seat and eventually, started the engine to head home again. He dropped the papers onto the dining table and dragged himself up the stairs, then he fell face down onto the bed. 

The dream of his last ten years had come to an end. It had done so two years ago in a side alley in Trondheim, even if it had taken him until a few weeks ago to realise it, but now that he had taken the final step and had the paperwork to prove it black on white, the pain was back in full force. Quite apparently he hadn’t come to terms with this after all. And he wondered if he ever would. 

He didn’t hear his father and Danny come home, by chance having reached the driveway at the same time, and thus had no idea about the sad and worried look the two had exchanged when seeing the papers on the table. He didn’t hear Danny come up the stairs either.

Danny knocked and cautiously opened the door. Then he silently stepped inside, closed the door again and walked towards the bed. 

He didn’t ask if Russell was okay because it was bloody obvious that he wasn’t, and since Danny also knew why that was the case he just lay down on the bed next to him and draped an arm around him. After a moment Russell unfroze and turned towards him, and Danny pulled him close. 

“I hate my life,” Russell whispered into Danny’s shoulder, his voice clogged with tears. “I fucking hate my fucking life.”  
Danny said nothing and just held him.  
“I fucking hate my life,” Russell sobbed and dug his fingers into Danny’s T-shirt. 

Russell was, in fact, clutching Danny’s arms so hard that the latter had to grit his teeth for a moment, but still Danny said nothing. When he could free one arm out of Russell’s grip he buried that hand into Russell’s hair which always had a soothing effect on him. This time it failed though, and Russell just kept on crying into Danny’s shoulder in desolate, painful sobs. 

When Danny came back downstairs almost an hour later he was alone, and he fell into a chair, propped his elbows onto the table and buried his face in his hands. Anders got up and wordlessly made a coffee, but Danny just remained like that for a while. 

Eventually, he lifted his head. “Thanks.”  
Anders nodded.  
“He cried himself to sleep. Or maybe he passed out.” Danny’s voice was rough and he closed his fingers around his cup. “God fucking hell, this is all so fucked up.”

Anders sighed and shook his head. “I should never have let him go back then.”  
Now Danny looked at him out of tired eyes. “And then what?”  
“What?” Anders tilted his head.  
“If it hadn’t happened back then it would have happened now. Oslo or Trondheim, it wouldn’t have made a difference to them, would it?” Danny clutched his cup and shook his head. “It would have happened this time, and who’s to say that this time they wouldn’t have just taken his blood instead of waiting for you?”  
Anders had clearly no idea what to say at first, then he licked his lips. “You have a pretty good point.”

Danny stared into his coffee for a long time.

“It’s not fair,” he whispered then. “It’s just not fair. He’s already wounded, he’s vulnerable, and he had already so much shit happening to him...” Danny looked up at Anders with tears in his eyes. “It’s so fucking unfair. And I promised him I’d keep him safe and... there’s just so many things I can’t protect him from and it... it fucking scares me...”  
“I guess it doesn’t help you when I say I feel exactly the same,” Anders replied in a heavy voice.  
Danny shrugged.

They drank their coffee in silence, but Danny’s eyes kept darting towards the stack of papers. 

After another half hour the door of Russell’s room opened and then the bathroom door opened as well. When Russell came back downstairs he was pale and had red and still somewhat swollen eyes, but the tired little smile he had for Danny and his father was real. He sat down next to Danny and Danny draped an arm around his shoulders while Anders made another coffee.

“Thanks, Dad.” Russell took his cup with a nod. Then he leaned against Danny’s shoulders while closing his eyes.  
“Russell,” Anders said cautiously. “I guess there’s nothing we can do, is there?”  
Russell straightened up again and shook his head. “No. Not that I know. I mean... I‘ve been scared of this since I came home. Now that it’s over it’s kind of... it’s over. It still hurts, but in a different way.”  
“Kind of like squeezing a big and vicious pimple,” Anders said.

Russell very slowly lifted his head and looked at him. “That is a textbook Anders Johnson analogy.”  
Anders shrugged with a crooked smile.

“But yeah...” Russell sighed. “I guess it feels somewhat like it. It’s over. And now I just have to find out what else to do.”  
“I’d say take it in small steps,” Anders replied. “Don’t think too far ahead yet.”  
“And what should I start with?”  
“Catch up with your friends?” Anders looked at Danny and back at Russell. “You’re not in danger of being homeless because you can’t pay the rent, so you can take your time in finding that job you talked about. You have the luxury to wait until one comes along that you won’t mind doing for a couple of years.”

Russell nodded thoughtfully and took a sip of coffee. When he discovered it was cooled down enough he emptied his cup with a few healthy gulps. 

Then Danny got up and took Russell’s hand and led him into the living room where he sat down in the corner of the sofa and opened his arms. Russell cocked one eyebrow, then he shrugged and crawled into his embrace. Danny closed his arms around him and after a moment, Russell relaxed with a sigh.

“You guys want another coffee?” Anders called from the kitchen.  
“Yes, thank you!” Danny called back.  
“Best dad ever,” Russell muttered into Danny’s shoulder.  
“We need to make him another award,” Danny replied with a chuckle.

Equipped with coffee they spent the time until dinner on the sofa and they went to bed shortly after that. 

Russell lost it again once they had cuddled up, but he calmed down much faster this time. And while it still hurt, and would for a long time yet, and maybe would hurt a bit for the rest of his life, it was the last time he cried for the loss of his dream.

* * *

Russell spent that Friday morning waiting for the afternoon. He couldn’t be bothered to do anything, he wasn’t hungry, and he only left the bed when he had to use the bathroom. It wasn’t that he was really tired; he just didn’t want to deal with the world right now.

When Danny came home at four that day he just took a shower and headed into Russell’s room, and when he found him in the bed with the curtains drawn and the lights switched off he shook his head with a heavy sigh. He closed the door and silently, crawled into the bed and under the blanket. 

Russell immediately and wordlessly turned into his embrace. He didn’t even want to kiss him, he just burrowed into Danny’s arms and Danny closed his eyes and held him. Russell didn’t cry, but that didn’t mean he hurt any less than the day before. 

Danny knew that this whole bloody clusterfuck could have been so much worse, in so many ways, and he also knew that technically, Russell knew it as well. But he didn’t say it because that was the last thing Russell wanted or needed to hear right now.

* * *

“I’m not really in the mood for a party,” Russell said to Danny as they were having their second coffee after breakfast. Emma had called earlier and told them to come over to Westmere, as they were going to celebrate Russell’s Welcome Back party there.

“Maybe not,” Danny replied. “But maybe once we get going it’ll get better? Maybe take your mind off things, just for a bit?”

Russell shrugged. And since Danny knew that shrug, he just got up and made another coffee. 

They headed for Craig’s and Matt’s place shortly after noon and could only goggle at the shit ton of stuff that the others had bought. Drinks, mostly. Tons of beer and a few spirits and soda and coke. There were also two large shopping bags full of all sorts of snacks and candy. 

“Jesus, Emma, how many people are coming today?” Danny asked as he let his eyes roam over the mountain of supplies stacked onto and next to the dinner table. 

“Just making sure we’re going to have a blast,” Emma said and exchanged a nod with Matt. “Russell needs some cheering up.”

Russell huffed, rolled his eyes, and took a beer. 

“Baby...” Emma stepped close to him and slung both arms around him. “I know you feel like shit, it’s no use in trying to keep it hidden how much you’re hurting. And I’m not saying you should get over it and forget it, but to try and think of something else for a bit.”

Russell sighed, took a sip of beer, and after a moment, looked down at her. She looked back with a small smile, and eventually Russell smiled back. 

Not an hour later the others had arrived as well. There were Matt and Craig and Janice, and Lucy, without boyfriend because he was out on deployment again. There were Colin and Marvin and last but not least, crazy Craig and Lilly showed up as well. 

At that point Russell suddenly noticed that Danny was gone, but before he could get worried the door opened again and Danny came in carrying his djembe. He grinned broadly at Russell who now couldn’t keep himself from grinning too. He hadn’t seen this drum with his own eyes yet, and suddenly he was burning to hear and watch Danny play it. 

And of course Craig had his bass and Matt his guitar and his violin, and Emma had brought her flute. They spent quite some time jamming, and Russell really managed to forget about Norway for a while. 

Then Matt put his guitar down and looked expectantly at Danny. “So,” he said. “I’m pretty sure you practised a lot more than you’re letting on right now. Boyfriend withdrawals and everything.” He winked. “So why don’t you show us what you’re capable of?”  
“Go fuck yourself,” Danny muttered with a half embarrassed grin.  
“Seriously.” Craig took a sip of beer. “I’m sure you can do better than just giving us a simple one-one-two rhythm.”

Danny rolled his shoulders and adjusted the drum between his knees. Then he looked up and at Russell who looked back with wide eyes while chewing his lower lip. Now Danny’s smile turned into that slow, smug smirk that made Russell squirm, and Danny closed his eyes and slapped the drumhead to create a low, thrumming beat. 

Then he kept one hand in the middle of the skin in a heartbeat rhythm while the other wandered towards the edge in a counter-rhythm. It was slow at first, but as he warmed up, Danny played faster, and while his left hand kept up the heartbeat rhythm it still danced across the skin as well as the right one, creating a hypnotizing rhythm that made it impossible to sit still. 

Russell watched him play, and while it was a completely different set of sounds Danny created, he was still in another realm, his eyes half closed while his hair flew around his head as he played, harder and faster and wilder, until the others cheered and whooped and clapped in time with the rhythm. 

Eventually Danny slapped the skin right in the middle again and dropped his arms. He was panting and grinning like an idiot, and Russell was staring at him with parted lips. 

Then their eyes met. Danny lowered his eyelids. Russell swallowed. 

“Get a room!” Someone yelled and the two blinked hastily and grinned amidst the good natured laughter surrounding them. 

They ordered pizza that evening because they didn’t want to waste time on cooking, and after that, they rearranged the sofas so they could sit in a circle on the ground. A lot of alcohol was already involved at that point so someone had suggested they play a round of spin-the-bottle, and now everyone settled down after fortifying themselves with drinks.

Said someone had been Matt, and he had brought a pack of cards that he now separated into two stacks. One said _Truth_ on the back, the other _Dare_.

“Not that we have to use them,” Matt said as he shuffled one of the stacks. “But sometimes you just can’t think of something. And I took the edges off.”  
“The what?” Janice asked and leaned against her Craig.  
“The edges,” Matt said and put the stack down face down and took the other one. “Like, the boring ones like favourite food or favourite colour, and the absolutely dirty ones like: give the person next to you head through their trousers.”

There was a chorus of sounds of disgust.

“Precisely.” Matt adjusted his glasses. “So if you’re at a loss for a question, here we are.”

This time there was a round of agreements, though more than one person eyed the stack of _Dare_ cards with suspicion. 

“Okay,” Matt said then and reached out for the bottle. “I hereby start the game.”

The bottle came to rest on pretty Craig who rolled his eyes. “Just my luck.”  
“Truth or dare?”  
“Truth.”

Matt grinned brightly and Craig took a sip of beer with narrowing eyes.

“If you woke up as a woman, what dirty things would you do to your partner?”

Craig almost choked on his sip of beer and beside him, Janice burst out laughing. 

“Christ!” Craig wiped his chin and then looked at Janice from the corners of his eyes. “I would probably smother her with my tits because she has a really unfair advantage there!”  
“Hey!” Janice yelled through the howling laughter and elbowed Craig in the ribs. Craig fluttered his eyelashes at her and they both chuckled and kissed.

“Kay.” Craig then took the bottle and it came to point at Lilly.

“So. Uhm.” Craig took another sip of beer and looked at Lilly who grinned brightly back at him. “Truth or dare?”  
“Dare!”

Now Craig huffed and blinked a few times. After a moment, he held out his hand to Matt who placed a Dare card into it. Craig turned it around and snorted.

“Okay. Sing the alphabet song without moving your mouth.”

Lilly threw her head back and laughed louder than anyone else. She did give it her best, but she had to laugh so hard it all came out as humming splutters. When the laughter had died down she wiped her mouth and chin and spun the bottle with vigour. It pointed at Colin.

“Truth or dare!” Lilly yelled.  
“Truth!” Colin yelled back.  
“Can you lick your elbow?”  
“...what?”  
“Lick your elbow?”

Colin put his bottle down and tried, to everyone’s exhilaration, and had to admit that no, he couldn’t. Then he spun the bottle that came to rest on pretty Craig again.

“Hey!” Craig ran the fingers of one hand through his hair while the other was clutching his bottle. “Other people are playing this game too!”  
“Truth or dare?” Colin asked.  
“Truth...”  
“Nu-uh!” Matt fell in. “Only one truth before a dare!”  
“Oh for fuck’s sake.” Craig closed his eyes.  
“Oookay!” Colin grinned and rubbed his hands. “Smell the feet of everyone in the group and rank them from best to worst!”  
“Asshole!” Craig yelled at him over the laughter of the group. “I get you for this!”

Crazy Craig wasn’t fussed about the fact his feet apparently smelled worst, and no one was surprised that Janice’s ranked best. 

“You’re making that up!” Colin said.  
“You don’t have to sleep next to her tonight!” Craig yelled back.  
Janice elbowed him in the ribs, or tried to, because she was almost falling over with laughter.

Craig spun the bottle again and it pointed at Matt. “Got you! Truth or dare?”  
“Truth.” Matt smiled broadly. “Gotta get me one more time, mate.”  
“Right.” Craig knocked his bottle back and emptied it. “Would you rather be a chicken or a duck?”  
“What kind of question is that even?” Danny asked.  
“I’m warming up,” Craig said. “Next time he won’t know what hit him.”  
“Chicken or duck?” Matt asked and frowned with pursed lips. “Well, a duck I guess, as on the whole, people feed ducks and eat chickens.”

Matt spun and the bottle pointed at Russell. “Truth or dare?”  
“Truth,” Russell said and took a sip of his beer.  
“Okay.” Matt narrowed his eyes and stared at him. “Hmmm. Okay. How old were you when you gave your first blowjob?”  
Russell exhaled long and hard with puffed cheeks. “Jesus....” He closed his eyes and mouthed silently to himself for a moment. “Okay, that was Vincent, and I was... fifteen... no sixteen. Sixteen!”

Then Russell took the bottle and spun it. It pointed at Janice. 

“Right.” Russell adjusted his position. “Truth or dare?”  
“Dare! Come on, give it to me!”  
“All right.” Russell bit his lip and narrowed his eyes. “Spin around ten times and then walk to the fridge and get Craig another beer.”

Janice did so, with predictable, hilarious result. After the laughter had died down Janice spun the bottle and it came to point at Danny. Danny took a hasty sip of beer.

“Truth.”  
“Slowpoke.”  
Danny blew a raspberry.  
“Okay, so we know about Russ, but how old were you when you gave your first blowjob?”

Danny had been about to take another sip of beer, now the bottle froze half way up to his mouth. He swallowed and lowered the bottle again.

“Come on,” Janice said. “We’re waiting.”  
“Uh.” Danny swallowed and cast a look at Russ from the corner of his eyes. “Fuck.”  
“What?” Matt leaned forward. “Are we getting into hot water?”  
“Nah.” Danny closed his eyes for a second and then exchanged a small, crooked grin with Russell who patted his arm. He sighed with a fatalistic little shrug. “Twenty.”

That word was followed by a small, confused silence. 

“But...” Craig combed his hair back with his fingers. “You were with Russ at that... oh...”

After a second, the small chuckles were drowned out by Lucy, Lilly, Janice and Emma simultaneously going _D’aaaawwww_ as loud as they could. 

Danny focussed on his bottle and drank as if his life depended on it. Then he leaned forward and spun the bottle that came to point at Lucy.

“Truth or dare?”  
Lucy grinned broadly. “Not gonna be shamed by my best friend! Dare!”  
Danny huffed and held out his hand to Matt who handed him a card. Then he snorted and grinned at Lucy. “Belly dance to a country song.”

Janice erupted into howling laughter as Matt took his phone to find a country song to play. It turned out that Lucy wasn’t half bad at belly dancing. But everyone was happy when the song was over. 

Then Lilly had to decide between spit and swallow (spit), Matt had to go to the neighbours and ask for a banana (which he got, as he came back cheerfully eating the fruit in question telling Craig he would have to do better than that, to which Craig’s answer was to flip him off) and crazy Craig had to do a three minute stand up comedy. He wasn’t half bad at it, either. Emma was condemned to end every sentence she said with ‘ya heard me!’ for the next three rounds, enjoying herself immensely, and for five long hard minutes Danny was unable to drink as he had to sit there with a finger moustache. Marvin had to exchange an item of clothing with the person on his right side which happened to be Colin. They swapped a sock and got a few ‘boos’ for that.

Empty beer bottles began to accumulate, and the next time the bottle came to point at pretty Craig again who at that point insisted the bottle was marked. Or that he was jinxed.

“Okay,” crazy Craig said with a smug grin. “Would you suck a cock if you could spend a whole night partying with the guys of Deathwish?”  
The other Craig froze.  
“He’d suck a volcano for that!” Janice yelled. 

Everyone looked at Craig again. 

Then Craig shrugged and grinned. “I totally would.”

When everyone had stopped laughing Craig spun the bottle and it chose Russell again. 

“Do you prefer silence or do you like moans?”  
“Oh.” Russell grinned. “I like to get a feedback for what I’m doing.”

Several people looked at Danny who was engrossed in his bottle.

Russell spun the bottle which resulted in Lilly having to make a poem using the words orange and moose.

“Shit!” Lilly was laughing as hard as anyone else. “Fuck!” Then she took a deep, deep breath and stared at the ceiling. “Okay here goes.” She cleared her throat. “I’d rather eat a goose than I would eat a moose, even with orange sauce although that’s pretty gross.”

That earned her a round of cheerful applause.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS YOU FUCKERS ARE GANGING UP ON ME!” Craig yelled at the top of his lungs when the bottle pointed at him again. 

When the laughter had ebbed off Lilly grinned mischievously at him and folded her hands under her chin. “Have you ever fantasized about being tied up?”  
Craig put his bottle down and shook his head. “This is getting out of hand, you know that guys?”  
“Come on!” Lilly said.  
“Okay. Okay!” Craig picked up his bottle again. “Actually...” He took a sip. “Yes. Tried it a few times with my last girlfriend. Was great!”

Everyone grinned or chuckled and Matt supplied a vicious wolf whistle. Craig flipped him off, with both hands this time.

Russell looked at Danny from the corners of his eyes but Danny didn’t move and stared at his feet. Russell didn’t get to dwell on that though, as the bottle came to point at him again and he had to unwrap a piece of candy in his mouth without using his hands. Emma took a few pictures of the process and Russell almost choked with laughter when he saw his facial expressions. 

After that Russell went to fetch a few more beers, assisted by Danny as he didn’t have enough hands to carry beer for everyone, and the game was over as the enthusiasm had run out. 

It was past three in the morning when everyone had found themselves a place or corner to sleep, and Russ and Danny curled up in the nest they had made out of the sofa bed and pillows and blankets. 

Russell looked at the ceiling for a while until Danny brushed a curl from his forehead with a questioning hum. 

“I still don’t really know...” Russell sighed. “I mean I know that...” Then he closed his eyes. “I know it could have been so much worse... so much worse in so many ways. It could have ended in Norway two years ago, it could have ended in Oslo too. I could have been dead if it hadn’t been for Hamad and...” He swallowed hard and Danny pulled him closer.

He could feel Russell start to tremble and held him as tightly as he could while burying the fingers of the other hand into Russell’s hair. But Russell was fighting it with all his strength too; he pressed his face into Danny’s chest and focussed desperately on Danny’s heartbeat. And after a few minutes in which he managed to keep himself from going under, his own heartbeat began to slow down again. 

Danny nuzzled his hair and placed a kiss onto the top of his head. 

“Shit...” Russell whispered, but then he was able to let go and look at Danny. “I know it could have been so much worse and...”  
“Hey,” Danny said gently. “Just because it could have been worse doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to hurt.”  
Russell sighed and snuggled closer. “I feel as if I lost my life but...”  
“But you didn’t.” Danny kissed his forehead. “You lost a huge chunk of it, and of course it hurts, but...”  
“But I didn’t lose everything,” Russell said and managed a smile. “I still have my friends and the band, and I have my dad and my family. I still have Jormungand.” Then he reached out and traced a finger down Danny’s cheek. “And I still have you.”  
“And you won’t get rid of me anytime soon,” Danny whispered and turned his head to kiss that finger. 

For a long silent moment they looked at each other before they brought their faces together for a kiss. Russell fell asleep in Danny’s arms somewhat later, with Danny’s fingers carding through his hair, but Danny stayed awake for a while longer. He watched Russell’s face with a very thoughtful expression but eventually settled down as well after dropping a small kiss onto Russell’s forehead.

* * *

After the party, and his realisation that it could have been worse while still allowing himself to hurt, Russell started the week in a decidedly better mood. 

Danny wasn’t looking as much forward to the next weeks as he had to go back to the classroom, but once he was back in the hospital setting he would spend his time first in the hospital operating theatre and then in delivery suite. After that came another module of theory before the exams, and in the second part of the year he would be out in the emergency department and be a part of actual ambulance operations. He couldn’t wait, and he talked about it like a kid about Christmas. It made Russell smile every time. 

And finally, Russell’s luck really seemed to have taken a turn, as at Thursday that week he got a text from Craig who informed him that Grant & Wilson were looking for staff and that he should check them out. And the prospect of being able to work in his favourite music store, even if it would only be part time, gave Russell a lot of his energy back. He went there the next day. 

Henry Grant, the co-owner, knew him well of course, as Russell had been a regular since he had started playing guitar, and they only needed a short interview to establish that Russell was hired. He could work full time and could also start the next week, so that was settled quickly. Henry asked him to come on Monday at eight o’clock so they could sort the paperwork, and Russell happily agreed. They parted with a handshake and a smile.

“Looks like Lady Luck hasn’t forgotten about you after all,” Anders said that evening during dinner when Russell told about his successful and really short job hunt. “’Bout time she looked into your direction again.”  
Russell smiled and took the offered beer. “Yeah, that was surprisingly easy.”  
“And it sure is a job you won’t mind doing,” Seona said with a bright smile.  
“Oh, I’m gonna love working there!” Russell smiled broadly. “I used to hang out there a lot and Henry and Allan both call me ‘my boy’. I love those two.”

“Plus, you know what you’re talking about,” Danny added after helping himself to another portion of mashed potatoes. “You talk about guitars and strings like a carpenter about nails.”  
“Well they are the tools of my trade,” Russell replied and took his fork again. “Or would be if I was a professional. Anyway, yes, I know what I’m talking about. Not everything, maybe, but I do have my expertise.” He grinned and shovelled some mashed potatoes into his mouth. 

Anders and Danny exchanged an inconspicuous look and both realised the other looked as relieved as he felt himself. It was a relief and a half to see the light return into Russell’s eyes and hear the energy return into his voice. 

That evening after they had gone to bed, Russell turned towards Danny and slung his arms around him for a very warm and affectionate kiss, and their kisses turned very quickly into hungry and passionate. And after some groping and moaning they ended up in an intense 69 that left them more than breathless. 

Afterwards they cuddled tightly together and Russell fell asleep almost instantly. Danny however remained awake for some time yet, and he looked at Russell’s sleeping face with a soft smile. 

“Welcome home,” he finally whispered into Russell’s curls. “It’s good to have you back.”

He closed his eyes and fell asleep with a smile on his face.

* * *

The two of them and Emma spent quite some time at Craig’s and Matt’s place that weekend, and all of them spent some time in the studio together as well. They hadn’t played together since well before Russell had left for Norway, and not they started to shake off the rust and get up to speed again. 

That Sunday evening Danny packed his things and went back to his own place again, as from Monday on Russell would be out and about as well. And while Russell was really looking forward to starting something new and meaningful, as he had dreaded having to take up a job like filling shelves in a supermarket, they both had gotten quite used to sleeping together. When Russell said goodbye to Danny that evening, they promised that as soon as Russell had gotten his first pay check, they would start looking for a place to live. 

Russell couldn’t really fall asleep that night, partly because he was excited about starting his new job tomorrow and partly because the bed was terribly empty without Danny. But now they had something to look forward to. They had talked about his salary and since he worked full time and could also do weekends, and since he was also not a complete rookie, that was pretty good. Together with Danny’s student support they should be able to make it, even if they would have to get rid of one of their cars. 

Russell started his first day at work with Henry and Allan showing him the facilities and storage, and he spent the rest of the day with billing transactions to get the hang of how the till and the credit card machine worked. 

He made his first sale that very afternoon, when a young teenage girl came in to buy a set of guitar strings. She was glued to Russell’s lips the whole time and left with a very friendly smile.

“That girl is so going to become a regular now,” Allan chuckled. His voice was low and hoarse from decades of smoking cigars, and his chuckles sounded as if someone was pouring gravel into a bucket. “That’s exactly what we need, my boy.”  
Russell blinked at him a few times and then looked at the door.  
“What do you mean?” Henry asked as he came out of the storage room with an arm full of boxes.  
“I think we just had the first customer with an instant crush on our new sales assistant,” Allan replied with another hoarse chuckle.

Henry had to laugh as well and put the boxes down onto the counter. “Seems like you’re good for business, Russ, if customers start crushing on you.”  
Russell scratched the back of his neck. “Uh... I hate to say this, but if she does, then she is totally barking up the wrong tree.”  
“Oh.” Henry exchanged a look with Allan. “Well that’s a shame, for her.”  
“And a piece of luck for other people,” Allan added with a wink.

Russell smiled and sorted a few paperclips and receipts. “I have to inform you that I’m already spoken for, so you can’t use me as a decoy.”  
“Ah, you’re a perfect decoy,” Henry said with a chuckle of his own. “Nobody’s business if you’re already taken or not. Because that girl will tell her friends that there’s a new guy at Grant & Wilson.”  
“I guess the novelty will wear off at some point.” Russell stacked the papers neatly together and arranged the paperclips in a row. Then he winked. “Do I get a pay rise for that?”  
“You got some balls!” Allan laughed. “You haven’t even worked here for a full day!”  
“Well being a lure wasn’t part of the contract I signed this morning!”

They all laughed and Henry went into the kitchen to make tea and coffee.

* * *

Russell spent quite some time on the phone that evening, telling Danny every detail of his day, including his new position as decoy. Danny laughed together with him. 

Danny also told him that he had been able to get his uncle’s beach house on Waiheke again for the following weekend, and suggested they have a homecoming party for Russell too, just the two of them. 

The way he said it made Russell squirm and adjust his crotch and he agreed so eagerly that Danny had to chuckle.

The week passed with Danny buried in his books again and Russell getting familiar with his new surroundings. When idle and unable to find something meaningful to do he occasionally sat down at one of the pianos to play, and Henry and Allan would drop what they were doing to sit down at the small coffee table in the corner and listen to him. 

It didn’t take Russell long to realise that the two elderly gentlemen weren’t just business partners, and it warmed his heart to watch them bicker with each other as if they hated each other’s very guts, only to share a look of warm affection minutes later. They would occasionally make music together too, with Allan playing the piano and Henry playing the violin, and the way they played and looked at each while they did so made it unmistakably obvious that the two were two halves of a whole, and more than the sum of their parts. Still very much in love, even after what had to be decades.

Russell talked about the two with Danny and they both agreed on that they just had found some relationship goals to aspire to.

* * *

When Russell came home from work Friday afternoon he hopped into the shower and grabbed his guitar and his bag – which he had packed the day before to save time – and his and quickly devoured a couple of sandwiches standing in the kitchen before throwing everything into his car. 

Anders and Seona watched him go with very fond smiles and exchanged a look that left no doubt that they were going to take advantage of the empty house. 

Russell was ridiculously excited about the weekend, as if he hadn’t seen Danny in weeks and not just since Sunday evening, and he stared at Auckland from the ferry with a racing heart. Danny had sent him a text earlier that he would be waiting for him there, and now Russell was wondering what exactly he was preparing, because that Danny had planned something had been unmistakable. Well, he would find out. Patience was not one of Russell’s virtues though, and he needed two attempts at starting his car before he could leave the ferry.

Once he had reached the house he got out of the car with a confused frown. Danny’s car was nowhere to be seen, but Emma’s car was there instead. He briefly wondered if Danny’s car had broken down and Emma had given him a lift when the door opened and Emma emerged. 

Russell very slowly crossed his arms and watched her approach with narrowing eyes. 

“Emma, I told you I want nothing of that crap.”

Emma was wearing a white dress that looked more like a robe, and she bowed when she had reached Russell’s side. 

“We shall celebrate your return, my Lord,” she said gravely as she straightened up again.  
Russell glowered at her.  
“And I have prepared a gift for you.”  
“What?” Russell’s eyebrows couldn’t have been any lower. “A virgin sacrifice?”  
“Oh, virgins are very hard to come by these days,” Emma replied with an incline of her head. “But I am sure that our humble offering will appease you nonetheless. Everything has been purified and arranged for your pleasure.”  
“Emma for fuck’s sake!”

Emma smiled and winked, then she hurried past him, slid into her car and left him stand on the porch with his face a thunderstorm. 

“This isn’t the last time we talked about that,” he growled at the vanishing car. “For fucking fuck’s sake.”

Then he sighed, turned around and opened the door, fully intending to give Danny a piece of his mind for playing along with Emma’s fucking stupid ideas.

He froze, and his jaw dropped.


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's as he suspected... and it's not what he expected at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess it doesn't come as a surprise that this chapter is very much E-rated. There is also a piece of artwork, made by the awesome [asparklethatisblue](http://asparklethatisblue.tumblr.com/), which is very much NSFW. Reader discretion is adviced.

“This isn’t the last time we talked about that,” Russell growled at the vanishing car. “For fucking fuck’s sake.”

Then he sighed, turned around and opened the door, fully intending to give Danny a piece of his mind for playing along with Emma’s fucking stupid ideas.

He froze, and his jaw dropped.

For a moment Russell just stood there and stared. The main living area of the house, sparsely furnished in a minimalistic style, had been completely transformed by no other means than a lot of candles and by hanging long panels of white, translucent fabric from the ceiling. 

When he looked up Russell saw that the panels of fabric had been tacked to the ceiling, and the way they hung created a very eerie feeling, as if they were pillars that were moving in an invisible wind. The candles were all behind glass, little swimming candles bobbing in small jars half filled with water. A very faint and pleasant scent of incense sticks hung in the air. The blinds on all windows were down and the sunlight filtering through the slats created countless tiny shafts of golden light that reflected on the white fabric.

A shrine.

Emma had built him a fucking shrine. 

Russell felt angry, but still, despite that, he looked around and admired the skill with which she had set the mood. But... A motherfucking shrine? He didn’t need to be worshipped. He didn’t fucking want to be worshipped. He wasn’t a fucking god! And Emma knew that, and Danny knew that as well and... Russell blinked a few times. Where was Danny, come to think of it?

With a sigh, Russell took off his shoes and hung his plaid shirt up on the coat rack, then he stepped out of the small entryway into the living and dining area. Standing amidst the pillars of fabric and the pattern of moving light and shadow they created softened his mood; he couldn’t help but admit that it looked bloody amazing. 

It was then that his eyes fell onto the door to the small hallway leading to bedroom, kitchen and the bathroom. 

His heart stopped for a second and then began to race like mad.

There in the doorway facing him was Danny, kneeling on a pillow, with lowered head and his hair hanging around his face, and he was wearing nothing but what seemed to be a piece of the same white fabric wrapped around his hips. That, and a strip of the white cloth that was wound around his wrists, tying them together. 

Russell had no idea how long he had been staring when he remembered how to think. Somehow he felt he should still be angry; this whole shrine-and-worshipping business was something he had explicitly told his friends to not even think about. But looking at the room around him and the... offering... Russell swallowed hard. He wanted to be angry. But all he could feel right now, looking at Danny like that, was that his jeans were becoming very uncomfortable.

And then he realised what this really was.

Emma and Danny hadn’t just decorated the house like this for shits and giggles or to mess with him. This had involved a lot of planning and shopping and quite some time to set this up. They had worked on this scene for some time. This wasn’t a spur of the moment party gag, this was an offering. But not in a playful way. 

It was a gift. 

Danny had offered him a gift, a gift Russell thought he’d never have.

Russell swallowed hard again and inhaled softly. They hadn’t talked about their respective sexual fantasies again after that one time, but this was clearly what it was. Danny had, with Emma’s help, created a set-up, a scene where they both could have what they had secretly been dreaming about. And Russell had to admit it all made perfect sense. 

This way, Danny wouldn’t really have to say anything and still play along, while Russell could pretend to be whatever deity he chose. Or demigod, or whatever, really. 

Russell had thought that they would have to explore Danny’s fantasy, if they would ever do so at all, in a safe setting and in very small steps. But Danny had apparently decided he needed to really push past the boundaries of his narrow comfort zone that he admitted he had. He had done so in a way that gave Russell full control of the situation, and while that thought made Russell slightly nervous, he was also overwhelmed with affection and almost humbled by the trust Danny put in him. 

But when Russell looked at Danny again he saw that Danny was now hunching his shoulders, and that the shoulders were moving with his fast and heavy breaths. And again, it took Russell a moment to realise what the matter was. He had hesitated for too long. By now Danny was convinced Russell was angry or not into this at all, and would anytime now tell him to cut the crap and stop this nonsense. And god, Russell knew that feeling when the joyous excitement about a really good idea turned into a sickening burning when it suddenly turned out it hadn’t been a good idea at all. 

He couldn’t let Danny feel that way. Not Danny, not like this... because honestly... fuck being angry at them for coming at him from behind. Being angry had turned into being turned on like fuck the moment he had noticed Danny kneeling on that pillow, and now he was making him feel as if he was still angry, and he also knew that if he let the mood break completely now, Danny would never be able to do something like this again. 

For a moment he almost panicked because he had no idea what to do, until another part of his mind kicked him in the ass and yelled at him to just do it to save the situation from deteriorating completely. 

Russell swallowed hard again and then, slowly and hesitantly, took off his T-shirt. Then he took a deep breath and slowly, walked towards Danny who was hunching his shoulders even more now. When Russell came to halt in front of him Danny looked up, and Russell could see a trace of fear in his eyes, and shame, and the desperate wish of not being here anymore. Danny felt as if he had made the worst decision of his lifetime, and Russell couldn’t let him feel that way. 

Another deep breath, and suddenly Russell felt his face form a slow and low-lidded smile. He gently took Danny’s chin in one hand and likewise gently, turned his head to one side. 

And with the first sentence, Russell had forgotten to feel awkward and uncomfortable.

“Are you the gift my priestess talked about?” He asked in a low voice that was close to a purr. 

Danny’s eyes widened, he stared at Russell’s face and into his eyes for the duration of several heartbeats before he swallowed so hard it was audible. Then he nodded, hardly perceptible. 

“I have to say she knows my mind very well,” Russell said then, his voice low and silky. “I am very pleased with her choice.” He met Danny’s eyes. “Very pleased.”

Danny could only swallow hard again as he stared up at him. 

Russell then gently turned Danny’s head the other way and let his eyes roam over his face, and Danny closed his eyes and took a trembling breath. Russell went into a crouch before him and Danny managed to open his eyes again. 

“Are you afraid of me?” His voice was still a low, silky murmur and he was no longer doing it consciously.  
Danny shook his head again.  
“But you are afraid of what will happen tonight?”  
Danny hesitated, then he nodded. 

Russell smiled at him with lowered eyelids. “I can assure you, my sweet one, that there is nothing to be afraid of. I will not hurt you. I shall make you mine, but I have no reason to have you hurt or be afraid. I will make you mine, but at the end of this night you wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

Then he got up, feeling that a drink or two might be able to loosen Danny up a bit, and once he was in the kitchen he wasn’t really surprised anymore that there was a bottle of mead standing on the worktop next to the fridge. He took a glass, poured a generous measure and took a sip, and he had to admit it was really good. He walked back to Danny with the glass and held out one hand to him. 

Danny looked up and lifted his bound hands, and took hold of Russell’s with both of them to let Russell help him to his feet. Russell smiled, took a sip of the mead and held the glass to Danny’s lips, and they made it work without spilling a drop. After Russell had lowered the glass again he brushed a thumb across Danny’s lips and with his eyelids lowering even more, licked his thumb clean with a delicate flick of his tongue. 

He could see and hear Danny swallow again as he stepped closer. Then Russell placed a gentle kiss onto his lips, and while Danny’s lips were soft, they remained unresponsive. Russell’s cock twitched in his jeans that were too tight now; Danny was giving the perfect impression of a shy and slightly intimidated and overwhelmed sacrifice with doing absolutely nothing. 

“Come,” he whispered and took Danny by his hands. “Come with me, and do not be afraid.”

Danny followed the tug of Russell’s hands and they headed into the bedroom. 

Panels of white fabric and the dim light filtering through the blinds together with the candles set the mood here as well, and the large bed had been equipped with several pillows in different sizes. It was a rather old-fashioned bed with a large headboard that was padded with leather Chesterfield style, and they had made ample use of that soft, padded headboard a lot of times already. 

Now Russell put the glass down onto the nightstand where he found, unobtrusively arranged, a bottle of lube, several condoms and a pair of scissors. Two folded towels were lying on the ground next to it and feeling reassured and almost relieved about the display of safety measures and equipment Russell felt more emboldened now. He walked around Danny with slow, measured steps, looking him up and down as if he meant to memorize every line of his body. Danny swallowed and closed his eyes. 

Coming to halt behind him Russell stepped closer until their bodies just about touched, and rested his hands on Danny’s shoulders with a feather-light touch. A tiny shiver ran down Danny’s spine, hardly perceptible, and Russell smiled and leaned forward. 

“Do not be afraid, my sweet one,” he whispered against Danny’s ear while he trailed his hands down Danny’s arms, and his words caused another tiny shudder. “I shall not hurt you but show you only pleasure.”

With that Russell moved his lips towards Danny’s shoulder and trailed his lips across the bare skin in kisses that were so soft they were hardly there. He mouthed along the skin until he had reached the arm and then headed back, and lifted the hair out of his way to trail his lips across the back of Danny’s neck. He sifted his fingers through the dark silky strands as he dropped it again and proceeded to trail his lips across Danny’s other shoulder, breathing kisses onto his skin while his hands came to rest on Danny’s hips. 

Then he let go and stepped back, and the shudder that ran down Danny’s back was more visible now. 

After calming himself with a deep breath, Russell quickly unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans and got rid of them, then he pushed his briefs down. As he stepped free of them he looked up again and with the window in front of him, the light that fell through the gaps of the blinds illuminated Danny’s body just about enough to reveal the contours of his hips through the almost translucent fabric wrapped around them. 

He stepped close again and now his chest touched Danny’s back. Danny inhaled audibly when Russell dropped more kisses onto his shoulders. This time his lips touched the skin and nipped gently with every kiss, but he didn’t use his teeth. His hands circled Danny’s hips and eventually, he hooked his thumbs into the waistline of the fabric. Danny tensed a bit.

“Shhh,” Russell whispered softly. “Your skin is nothing to be ashamed of. It is perfect... just as you are perfect.” With that he tugged, and the cloth came loose and slid down Danny’s legs to pool at his feet. 

Russell let his hand roam up Danny’s abdomen and chest and brushed one of his nipples. Danny inhaled sharply; he had quite sensitive nipples for a man and it supplied them with some exciting options during their love making. He took advantage of that now and enjoyed Danny’s silent shudders.

Then Russell let go and stepped around him to look at him. Russell’s throat went dry at the sight before him, which was weird because he had seen Danny naked countless times before. But never like this, never with his face slightly lowered and his hair hanging around it almost like a curtain and still not able to completely hide the faint blush on his cheeks. And never with his wrists tied together before him and his lowered hands drawing Russell’s attention to his hard and trembling cock. 

Russell forced his breathing calm again and stepped closer. He wanted this to last, to savour every moment, not to push Danny onto the bed and ravish him. The thought made his own cock twitch and he had to force himself to focus. 

He stepped closer again so their bodies touched, and after resting his hands on Danny’s hips again he leaned towards him for another kiss. This time it was more than a brush of lips on lips, and just as before, Danny remained unresponsive at first. But as Russell kissed him with more gentle passion and flicked his lips with the tip of his tongue he felt Danny’s lips begin to move against his. 

They continued to kiss with more gentle passion now, with soft touches and very little tongue, and while the way they kissed was nothing new at all, there was something new and unfamiliar about those kisses that made Russell’s heart race even more. And by the way Danny’s body reacted to these kisses Russell knew it was the same for him. Russell moved his arms up and cradled Danny’s face in his hands, and he could feel Danny’s arms twitch as if he meant to return the gesture but couldn’t, because of his tied wrists. It made Russell’s heart jump and after a last touch of lips, he stepped back again. 

Danny’s face was flushed and the tip of his cock was glistening now, and after a deep sigh, Russell helped him sit down onto the bed. He took one of the largest pillows and put it under Danny’s back as he rested him against the padded headboard to make sure he was comfortable. Then he knelt down next to him. 

The sight before him was enough to make Russell’s heart race more than he had thought was possible. Danny lying against the headboard, naked and very much aroused, but with his tied hands now behind his head he looked so bared and vulnerable that Russell felt a surge of fierce protectiveness wash over him in addition to his own arousal. 

He could see a faint sheen of moisture on Danny’s face and he could also see his rapid pulse throbbing in the vein at the side of his neck.

Russell moved a little closer, rested both hands on Danny’s left leg and leaned a little forward, eyeing Danny’s trembling erection with unmasked hunger. 

“Should we do something about this?” He asked in a low purr. 

Danny was unable to answer and stared at him with parted lips and wide eyes.

“Maybe we should,” Russell went on. “But maybe we should not get ahead of ourselves.” 

With that he leaned forward and placed a kiss onto the tip of Danny’s cock. He was rewarded with a sound that was half gasp, half high-pitched moan. Smiling to himself Russell sucked the tip into his mouth and Danny arched his back with another, stifled moan. Russell continued playing a bit, toying with his tongue while letting his hands roam Danny’s thighs and abdomen, and when he let go and sat up Danny gasped again. 

After adjusting his position closer to Danny’s head and shoulders Russell leaned over him for another kiss. This time he closed his hands around Danny’s forearms, effectively rendering his arms immobile now with the tied wrists at the back of his head. Danny opened his lips with a low moan, and Russell straddled his hips and pushed his tongue into Danny’s mouth to toy with the tongue stud. Simultaneously he increased the pressure of his hands, pinning Danny against the headboard, and Danny arched his back with another moan. 

Russell broke the kiss and leaned back again, and the sight of Danny with closed eyes, his mouth and head twitching as if his lips were trying to chase Russell’s to let the kiss last a little longer, made Russell’s throat go dry. He had never seen a sight more erotic than Danny’s face as it looked right now, with closed eyes, parted lips and flushed cheeks. 

After combing his fingers through Danny’s hair he moved downwards and positioned himself between Danny’s legs, but he started with covering first his face, then his shoulders and chest with soft nips and kisses until Danny was squirming under him. Then he let his tongue toy a bit with Danny’s right nipple, and then the left one, and at that point Danny was writhing and moaning and arching his back again. 

Russell straightened up and wiped the back of his hand across his lips. 

“It is time,” he whispered. “Are you still afraid?”  
Danny’s eyes flew open and after a moment, he shook his head.  
“I need to hear it,” Russell said, voice low and silky.  
After a few harsh, fast breaths, Danny licked his lips and swallowed. “No,” he whispered hardly audibly.  
Russell gave him a slow, sensuous smile and moved away from his legs. “Turn around,” he whispered. 

Danny swallowed hard one more time and sat up, then he turned around onto his knees and elbows. 

Russell almost came right then and there, and he had to pinch the tip of his cock for a moment. After a few long, deep breaths he opened his eyes again and bit his lip while trying to calm his racing heart, to no avail. He knelt between Danny’s legs and for now, just let his hands roam Danny’s back. Then he leaned forward and trailed kisses along Danny’s spine, moving lower and lower, and came to halt at the small of his back. By that time Danny was shuddering and gasping for breath. 

Russell adjusted his position and carefully spread Danny’s cheeks, and it was at that moment that he remembered Emma’s words about everything being properly purified. He eyed his goal and felt his mouth water, then he moistened his lips with a flick of his tongue before he leaned forward again for the most intimate of kisses. Danny pressed his face into the pillow with a sound that was almost a wail.

Proceeding from using the tip of his tongue to flat and firm licks and wet kisses Russell got bolder, and finally pushed the tip of his tongue right into the centre of the hard ring of muscle. Danny’s reply was a jerk of hips and a suffocated groan. Russell tried again, and several times more, interspersed with more licks and kisses, until Danny’s next moan suddenly sounded more like a sob. Russell leaned hastily back and saw the tautness in the muscles in Danny’s back, and realised he was teetering on the brink of an orgasm. 

“Not yet, my sweet one,” he said in a smoky whisper and Danny shuddered violently and pressed his face into the pillow.

Wiping the back of his hand across his mouth again Russell shuffled back, and then he got up and picked up the glass on the nightstand. He took a large sip, letting the honeysweet glowing warmth trickle down his throat, and waited for his own heartbeat to calm down while keeping his eyes on Danny. 

When he could see that the tenseness began to ebb off and that Danny’s breathing was no longer coming in those harsh almost-sobs he put the glass down again and took the lube and a condom. Then he got back into the bed and knelt between Danny’s legs again. 

“Lie down, my sweet one,” he whispered and ran a hand down Danny’s back.

After Danny had lowered himself down Russell leaned forward to make sure he was comfortable with his tied arms outstretched before him before he moved back between his legs. He coated one finger in lube and worked as cautiously and gently as he could, keeping his eyes on Danny’s face for any sign of discomfort. He didn’t spot one, and eventually felt he was prepared enough. Breathing heavily he put the condom on with shaky hands and trembling fingers, and after lubing himself up he moved closer, gently pushing one of Danny’s legs aside with his knee, before spreading Danny’s cheeks again. 

Russell couldn’t suppress a heavy moan as he slowly slid into Danny’s body, but Danny remained silent and pressed his face into the mattress. Russell leaned forward and buried his fingers into Danny’s hair, and with a gentle tug he made Danny turn his head to one side so he could see his face again.

“Are you hurt?” He whispered. “Am I hurting you?”  
Danny licked his lips without opening his eyes. “No,” he replied in a rasping, breathless whisper. “No, you’re not hurting me at all...”

Russell dropped a kiss between Danny’s shoulder blades and leaned forward, lowering himself down carefully and gently while trying to envelope as much of Danny’s body with his own that he could. Covering Danny’s shoulders with kisses he began to move. 

Their harsh breaths and moans mingled in time with Russell’s moves, but despite his slow pace and gentle thrusts Russell was nearing his own orgasm much faster than he would have liked. He slowed down a few times to make it last, but in the end he couldn’t do so any longer. He moved a bit faster, thrust a bit harder, and suddenly he lost his rhythm and with a loud, throaty moan he threw his head back and came, only dimly registering Danny’s moans in response to his harder and faster thrusts.

He collapsed into a boneless heap onto Danny’s body, and only just about managed to catch some of his weight on his arms so he wouldn’t just drop onto Danny like a wet sand sack. His head between Danny’s shoulders he listened to Danny’s heartbeat while letting his hands roam up and down his arms. He placed a few soft kisses onto the skin under his cheek. 

Once he was able to move again he rolled off Danny’s body with a heavy sigh and sat up again. He brushed his hair back with the fingers of both hands and exhaled long and hard. Then he shook his head, forcing himself to focus on Danny again after disposing of the condom. 

He took him gently by the shoulders and helped him turn onto his back, then he made sure he was resting comfortably on the pillow. When Danny opened his eyes Russell leaned over him with a soft smile. 

“You’re mine now, sweet one,” he whispered gently. “Mine alone.”  
Danny licked his lips and swallowed. “Yours,” he whispered. “Body and soul.”

Russell caressed Danny’s cheek with the tip of his forefinger for a moment before leaning forward for another gentle kiss. Then he sat up again and ran a hand across Danny’s chest, and as he brushed his nipples with his fingers Danny’s erection returned very quickly. 

Russell eyed it again and licked his lips, then he looked at Danny with a heavy-lidded smile before bending down over his lap. Danny closed his eyes again and pressed his head back into the pillow. 

Russell toyed for a moment with the tip of Danny’s cock while fondling his stones, but then moved his lips up Danny’s abdomen again and towards his nipples while not letting go of Danny’s stones. He listened to the sounds Danny made with his heart beginning to race again; they were of a quality he had never heard before. Danny squirmed and gasped, and Russell straightened up and placed a kiss onto Danny’s lips. 

This time Danny returned the kiss hungry and open-mouthed, it was hard and messy, it was tongue and teeth and Russell was breathless when he straightened up again. He trailed more kisses down Danny’s neck, breathing heavily against his skin, and moved his lips lower again and lower, past the navel and towards the triangle of dark curls. 

He eyed Danny’s beautiful cock for a moment before cradling his stones in one hand again, then he leaned forward and caressed the tip of Danny’s cock with the tip of his tongue. Then he pulled the foreskin back completely and let his tongue toy with the sensitive skin a bit more while Danny was tossing his head to and fro with heavy gasps. Then he took a deep breath and opened his lips. 

At that moment Danny suddenly reared up. “Sharkbite!” He gasped hoarsely. “Sharkbite... oh god, Russell please let me come!”

Russell froze and stared at Danny with widening eyes, his heart dropping into his abdomen. 

“I was about to,” he whispered, his voice trembling. “God, Danny I...”

For a moment the two started wide-eyed at each other before Danny dropped back with a groan. Russell went down on his cock without a second’s hesitation and swallowed him as deep and as hard as he could.  
Danny couldn’t make any sounds anymore. 

It didn’t take Russell more than a few hard sucks combined with moves of his head assisted by his hand, and Danny came on a bellow that vibrated through both their bodies and hurt Russell’s throat just from listening to it. 

When Russell straightened up again he saw Danny lying almost motionlessly on the pillow; the only thing that moved was his chest, heaving in slow, heavy breaths. For a brief moment Russell almost panicked that Danny might have passed out, but then he forced himself to focus and to keep calm; he had to take care of Danny and he had to do so now.

He didn’t even bother with the knots and immediately went for the scissors, and after carefully cutting through the strap of cloth that bound Danny’s wrist he immediately dropped both the fabric and the scissors next to the bed. One after the other he took Danny’s arms and slowly brought them down to rest it on his chest while gently kneading the shoulder, and after that he gently massaged his wrists as well. And while Danny still had his eyes closed, a small, gentle smile appeared on his lips that made Russell’s anxiety about his almost-fuckup mostly disappear again. 

After making sure again that Danny was resting comfortably on the huge pillow Russell grabbed the duvet and covered him, and because Danny kept repeatedly licking his lips Russell headed for the kitchen to get some water. He quickly came back with a carafe and a glass and sat down onto the edge of the bed after filling the glass. 

“Hey,” he whispered.  
Danny cracked one eye open.  
“Water?”

After a nod Danny laboriously and slowly sat up, assisted by Russell who put his arm around Danny’s shoulders, and took the offered glass with both hands. He emptied it in one go and two more glasses as well before he fell back into the pillow again. 

“Do you need some food?” Russell asked while brushing a strand of hair from Danny’s forehead.  
Danny shook his head.  
“Do you want anything else?”  
Now Danny opened his eyes. His gaze was heavy-lidded and a little tired, but he was smiling. “A cuddle,” he muttered hoarsely.

Russell smiled as well and quickly slid under the blanket with him. He arranged himself on the pillow so he could hold Danny in his arms, and curled around him as Danny rested his head against Russell’s chest. Russell ran his fingers through Danny’s hair and kissed the top of his head. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered after a moment.  
“What for?” Danny’s voice was still low and husky.  
“For almost fucking it up.” Russell swallowed. “I really was about to... you beat me by half a second. I’m sorry I waited...”  
“Russ,” Danny interrupted him gently. “You did not almost fuck it up. Yes, so you took a bit too long. So I beat you by a second. Don’t key yourself up.”  
“But I...”

“Russell, this was the first time we tried this, right?” Danny looked up at him. “To be honest, it went a million times better than I would have thought. So you got a bit overeager in the end and I had to... I mean, it’s not as if I haven’t used the safe word before.”  
“I know, but...” Russell heaved a sigh. “I should have paid more attention.”  
“Probably,” Danny said simply. “But this isn’t the end of the world. Okay, I know it feels a bit shitty to have the safe word thrown at you. But that’s what it’s for. So things don’t go bad.”

Russell swallowed and nodded, and toyed with a strand of Danny’s hair. “I’m still sorry.”  
“What for?” Danny smiled gently. “For making me come my brains out?”  
“But I...”  
“Russell, will you please stop apologizing for giving me the most spectacular orgasm I ever had?” Danny reached up and ran a gentle finger down Russell’s cheek. “And if you don’t stop this now, you know what’ll happen?”  
Russell bit his lips and shook his head.  
Danny caressed Russell’s cheekbone with his thumb. “I’m gonna be reluctant to use the safe word again because I don’t want you to go under.”

After biting his lips Russell took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“Hey,” Danny whispered softly. “Today was bloody amazing. I never thought it could be this amazing. And really, I didn’t think I would ever get this far.” He smiled again and brushed Russell’s lips with his thumb. Russell placed a tiny kiss onto the thumb and managed to smile in return. “So I’m happy I didn’t have to use the safe word because I freaked out, but only because you took a tiny bit too long with making me come,” Danny went on. “That’s something completely different, you know?”

Russell sighed deeply and after a moment, he nodded. “Okay.”  
“So can we stop spoiling the mood because it was only ninety-nine percent perfect and not one hundred?” Danny was still caressing Russell’s face. 

After biting his lip Russell smiled again and dropped a kiss onto Danny’s forehead. Danny closed his eyes with a sigh and leaned his head against Russell’s chest again, and Russell settled back down again too and toyed with Danny’s hair. 

It only took minutes before Danny’s head began to grow heavy, and Russell listened to his slow and calm breathing while closing his eyes as well.


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On their way back into this world again.

Russell woke up because Danny left the bed, but there was no use in trying to stay in the warm cosy nest made by their bodies because he had to utilize the bathroom as well. So he crawled out of the bed and shuddered in the cool air, or what felt like cool air to him, and headed for the bathroom as well. 

When Danny left the bathroom he slung his arm around Russell and nuzzled his hair for a moment before he stepped away again with a smile. Russell smiled back as he entered and he heard Danny walk back towards the bedroom. 

Coming back Russell found the bed empty, and after putting on his briefs he went to hunt for his T-shirt. He could hear Danny in the kitchen and after putting on his shirt Russell went to join him there. 

Danny was only in his boxers and had the fridge door open, rummaging around inside.

“Hey,” he said and grinned at Russell over his shoulder.   
Russell grinned back. “Raiding the fridge?”  
“I’m fucking starving.” Danny smiled and opened a package. “Luckily I listened to Emma and bought stuff that only needs to be microwaved. I couldn’t be arsed to cook right now.”  
“And what is it?” Russell craned his neck. 

“Chicken curry,” Danny replied and scraped the contents into a bowl. “And then there’s stuff for a few BLTs if that isn’t enough, which I doubt it is.” He licked a dab of sauce from his finger and opened the microwave. “I could eat a horse right now.”

Smiling Russell stepped behind him and slung both arms around Danny’s hips. “Feeling great, hm?”  
Danny turned around to pull Russell close, and without further ado dug one hand into his hair to kiss him absolutely breathless. “Yep,” he said with a wink after leaning back again. “Life is good.”  
Russell combed his hair back with his fingers with a slightly breathless smile.

Just after Danny had fetched himself a T-shirt too the microwave beeped and they equipped themselves with plates and cutlery. After devouring the chicken curry they headed back into the kitchen and seamlessly went over to the BLTs. Not starving anymore after the curry they took their time to get it right and could savour those a bit more too, and they had a couple of beers as well. 

They carried their dishes back into the kitchen and Russell opened the fridge. “Another beer?”  
Danny shook his head. “Don’t feel like getting drunk.”  
Russell stepped closer and rested his hands on Danny’s hips. “Back to bed?” He asked with lowered eyelids.  
After dropping a kiss onto his forehead Danny stepped back with a small smile of his own. “I’d rather... I’d like to take a walk. Get some air.”  
“Sure.” Russell smiled back. “The beach?”  
“Just for a bit. Doesn’t have to be a hike.”  
“Sure thing.”

They got dressed and both of them put on a thick, solid hoodie. Hand in hand they walked down the narrow path winding through small dunes and bushes down to the water side. 

After about half an hour they turned back, but instead of taking the path back to the house they found a nice spot sheltered from the wind and settled down as close to each other as they could. Danny draped an arm around Russell’s shoulders and Russell rested his head against Danny’s shoulder in turn. They both had their hoods on because the wind was rather cool that evening.

They hadn’t said a word since they had left the house, and they still didn’t say anything; they just watched and listened to the waves.

They did so for at least another half hour before Danny finally took a slightly nervous breath. 

“I got the feeling we should talk about it, but I have no idea...” He broke off helplessly and stared at his feet.   
Russell straightened up and looked at him. “But you... you enjoyed it, right?”  
“Why do you even ask that?” Danny lifted his head again with a crooked little smile. “I thought that was bloody obvious.”  
“It was.” Russell shrugged with a smile. “And I liked it too. It was pretty amazing.”  
“It was,” Danny said as well. “Even if it was... weird. A bit.”

“Weird?” Russell was still smiling. “The role-playing part?”  
Danny nodded. “Though I didn’t really do anything, did I?”  
“And that made for a perfect and very believable virgin sacrifice,” Russell replied in a low voice. “I thought I’d come into my pants when I saw you kneeling there.”  
“And here I thought you were angry,” Danny said, his voice even lower, almost a whisper.

“I was,” Russell said then. “At first. But then I realised this wasn’t a game... or not that kind of game. I realised it was a gift. And I realised that this was the perfect set-up for both of us to... explore.”  
Danny nodded silently.  
“I have to say I...” Russell swallowed and reached out to touch Danny’s face. “I wouldn’t have expected you to be...”

“Be what?” Danny asked after a moment.  
“Be able to do that,” Russell said then. “I thought that if we would ever explore your fantasy we would have to do so in very small steps.”  
“And give me a dozen chances to freak out instead of only one.”  
“If that’s how you feel,” Russell replied softly. “I never wanted to pressure you.”  
“You didn’t.” Danny met his eyes. “Fuck, Russ, you didn’t. I know I was... I was really uncomfortable about this all, but you don’t have to feel as if you made me do anything. This was my decision.”  
“I know.” Russell sighed. “I hope you didn’t...”  
“Didn’t push myself too far?”  
Russell shrugged.

“Dude...” Danny shook his head. “No. I talked... I talked to Emma. It was sort of her idea. When we talked, back when you were in Norway. She meant it as a joke at first, but then it got me thinking, especially after... after the party. And what...”   
“What Craig said?”  
Danny nodded with a hum. “Yeah,” he went on. “And that got me thinking more... I mean I knew before that this isn’t really that kinky and gross, but to hear it mentioned so casually made me... made me feel better about it.”  
“So you were ready to try.”  
Danny nodded again.

“I still don’t...” Russell began after a moment. “I can’t imagine what that must have cost you.”  
“Trying it out?”  
“Talking to Emma about it.”

Danny was silent for a moment. “It... it kind of was,” he said then. “And then... it wasn’t. I mean... it’s Emma and she’s...”  
“She’s awesome?” Russell offered.  
“That too.” Looking straight ahead, Danny smiled. “But she’s... she’s closer to me than anyone else. Apart from you. It’s like... sometimes I feel she knows me better than I do.”

“I am still surprised you managed to push yourself that far out of your comfort zone. And I wasn’t sure at first if that was a good idea.”  
This time it was Danny who shrugged. “I wasn’t so sure about it either. In fact I was pretty sure I would freak out at one point. Seems my dick got the better of me.” He looked up at Russell with a lopsided, almost embarrassed smile.

Russell smiled back and shook his head. “Don’t get me wrong now,” he said. “I was sure you would like it, like it a lot, but I knew it was you who had to take the first step. I had no idea though that this first step would be... a leap, really.”  
Danny shrugged again. “I just... I had the feeling if I don’t go all the way I might as well not go at all. I don’t know why.”  
“You never do anything half,” Russell replied.

After a moment, Danny looked up with raised eyebrows.

“Seriously,” Russell went on with a smile. “If you do something, you do it with all your heart and soul and strength. I remember you talking about when you learned to play drums.”  
Danny smiled crookedly.  
“And how you’re drowning yourself in your studies to become a paramedic. And when that collided with the band and the concert...” Russell shrugged. “It was hard for you, that was clear. You’re not good at making compromises with yourself.”

Staring straight ahead, Danny clearly had no idea what to say and he swallowed hard.

“Hey.” Russell nudged Danny’s cheek with his nose. “It’s not always a bad thing. But you... you need to relax. You need to loosen up... and maybe that scene will help you learn to let go. Remember the pictures above your bed? Be playful. Be silly. Have fun.” 

Danny stared straight ahead for another moment, then he got up and walked down to the water line again. He crossed his arms and stood still and silent as he stared towards the horizon. After a moment Russell got up and walked to his side. 

“Hey,” he said softly and pushed Danny’s hood back. The wind toyed with a few strands of his hair and Russell wound one of those around his finger.

Danny looked at him, and since Russell smiled brightly and warmly, Danny was able to smile as well. Then Russell leaned forward and brushed Danny’s lips with his own in a small, affectionate kiss. Danny turned to face him and their lips touched again, but just as Danny lifted one hand Russell jumped back, poked him in the ribs as hard as he could and yelled: “Tag you’re it!”

And with that he ran as fast as he could, leaving Danny to stare dumbfounded at his back. 

Russell stopped and turned around. “If you catch me you get to fuck me!”

Danny stood there for a moment longer before tilting his head with a dark frown forming on his face that slowly turned into a smirk. Then he set off after him. 

Having two years of going to the gym three times a week working in his favour, Danny quickly caught up with Russell as the latter stumbled up a small dune through the soft sand. After a few quick and nimble but fruitless evasive manoeuvres Danny managed to catch him by the means of slinging both arms around his waist, but Russell didn’t stop running and both of them lost their balance and went arse over teakettle down the dune again. They rolled to a stop at the foot of the dune laughing like idiots and spitting out sand. 

Russell didn’t give Danny a chance to retaliate and scrambled to his feet as fast as he could. This time he headed straight for the path towards the house, but a few steps before he reached the door Danny had caught up with him. This time Russell couldn’t escape his grip.

“So,” Danny said in a low voice. “I caught you.” Russell squirmed and Danny lowered his head even more so his lips grazed Russell’s ear. “What now?”  
This time Russell shuddered and closed his eyes. “Now I guess you could drag me to the bedroom,” he whispered.  
“And then?”  
“Well...” Russell shuddered again as Danny’s goatee brushed the side of his neck. “I...”

Danny faltered for a moment, then he tried again, deliberately brushing his goatee across the sensitive skin on Russell’s neck. Russell shuddered violently this time with a sharp intake of breath. 

Danny, his arms slung around Russell’s hips, pulled Russell closer with a low hum. Brushing Russell’s ear with his lips he also brushed his goatee across Russell’s cheek, and then lowered his face so it touched Russell’s neck again. Simultaneously he moved one of his hands onto Russell’s crotch. 

“That turns you on?” He asked softly.  
“Ap... apparent... ly...” Russell swallowed hard, eyes fluttering shut.   
Now Danny leaned back a bit with a confused smile. “Since when does that turn you on like this?”  
“I...” Russell took a deep breath. “You... I mean... you know I always liked it but... you grew it out since I came back from Norway, didn’t you?”

“Just experimenting,” Danny said after a moment. “It’s not even two centimetres.”  
“It makes...” Russell swallowed again as Danny lowered his face so it rested against his neck. “It feels... a bit... different?” He faltered again. “Kind of... makes it worse...”  
“Or better, depending on your point of view,” Danny breathed into Russell’s ear while making sure his goatee touched the soft skin in the crook of Russell’s neck.   
Russell shuddered again. 

“Okay then,” Danny muttered after a moment. “Seems like I finally found a weapon against those fucking tickles.”  
“Oh god...” Russell whispered with a breathless, slightly incredulous chuckle.

Danny chuckled as well but he leaned back. They entered the house and decided that they had to get rid of the sand first, and after giving their clothes a thorough shaking and beating they headed for the bathroom. 

Taking a shower together was never quite that easy as Russell showered cold (according to Danny) while Russell insisted that Danny ‘boiled himself alive like a lobster’. This time was one of the few times they managed to meet in the middle. 

After thoroughly washing each other’s hair to make sure the sand was gone they embraced and kissed, with the warm water raining down on them and their hands roaming skin made slippery with water and soap. Eventually their kisses turned from heated and passionate to gentle again, but even though both of them were still hard they left the shower after making sure there wasn’t any sand left in sensitive places. 

But as they slipped under the blanket and Russell ran a hand down Danny’s chest, Danny took that hand before the fingers came to toy with his nipples.

Russell looked up with a questioning frown as Danny entwined their fingers.

“I don’t...” Danny turned his head to look at him. “I don’t feel like having sex after all.”  
“Oh.” Russell smiled and snuggled closer, resting his head on Danny’s shoulder. “Even though you won a fuck?” His voice had a slightly mischievous undertone.  
Danny smiled and shook his head. “Do I explicitly have to win them now?”  
Russell booped his nose. “Hey, it’s all fun.”

After a sigh, Danny looked at the ceiling. “I know,” he said then. “I’m just...”  
“Too tired?”  
“I’m not even really tired,” Danny replied. “I just don’t feel like having sex. I’d rather... just cuddle.”

Russell placed a kiss onto the skin under his cheek and looked at Danny’s profile. The high forehead, the eyebrows and the curve of his cheeks, the straight and almost perfectly triangular nose, the slightly protruding chin hidden in a goatee a shade darker than the hair that fell around his face. Maybe Danny wasn’t a handsome man in the classical sense of the word, but there was no face Russell would rather look at. And when Danny looked at him with that dark smirk that always made Russell’s skin tingle, or with just that look of deep affection in his warm, brown eyes, he was the most beautiful man in the world.

And that Danny thought he was plain and unattractive hurt Russell somewhere very deep. He had eventually managed to stop Danny saying that Russell was too gorgeous for him, but Russell felt that he was still thinking it. And it was in moments like these that he desperately wished Danny would believe him. 

He let one of his hands trail up and down Danny’s chest. “You’re so gorgeous,” he whispered.  
Danny chuckled under his breath with a lopsided smile.  
“Honestly.” Russell lifted his hand and traced Danny’s profile with his finger, from forehead downwards, down the nose, past lips and chin. “You’re the most beautiful man in the world.”  
“That title is already taken,” Danny replied with a half-amused frown. “By a guy with golden hair and blue eyes.”  
“Who needs golden hair when I can have a mane of black silk like this?” With that, Russell sifted his fingers through Danny’s hair.   
“It’s not even real and you know that,” Danny replied firmly and with the frown deepening.

It had taken him quite an effort to admit it back then, that he used a shampoo with black henna to give his dark hair a black sheen to make it ‘less boring’. Russell assured him – had done so a million times already – that there was absolutely nothing boring about that hair, but Danny just shrugged and quite apparently, didn’t believe him. And neither had Russell been able to talk Danny into stopping with the henna, even for a while, so he could see what Danny’s hair truly looked like.

Quite often Russell wondered how he could make Danny believe him. Believe how gorgeous he was. How beautiful. But no matter what Russell said, Danny just snorted and shrugged it off. 

Russell continued toying with Danny’s hair, inhaling his scent and listening to his heartbeat, until he finally let go and let one hand roam across Danny’s chest. 

“Why can’t you believe me how gorgeous you are?” Russell whispered and pressed closer against Danny’s side. He was getting hard again, just by lying next to Danny’s naked body. “You’re so gorgeous, I just can’t... I can’t get enough of you.”  
Danny opened his eyes with a small, incredulous chuckle under his breath. “Russ...”

Russell’s hand trailed further down, and his fingers toyed with the tight and wiry curls around the base of Danny’s cock that began to fill and harden under his hand. 

“My beautiful, gorgeous man,” Russell whispered and rolled on top of Danny where he began to drop soft kisses onto Danny’s face, shoulders and then his chest. 

Danny sighed deeply and closed his eyes again while his fingers softly threaded into Russell’s hair. He bit his lip when Russell’s hand cupped his stones and he hissed sharply as Russell began to toy with his nipples, using tongue and lips. After a moment Danny began to squirm and Russell moved his attention lower to Danny’s cock. 

“You have such a beautiful cock,” Russell whispered and licked his lips. 

Danny chuckled breathlessly, a chuckle that seamlessly turned into a moan when Russell sucked his cock down as deep as he could. Breathing heavily, Danny buried all his fingers into Russell’s hair and bucked his hips, his head pressed into the pillow. Then he reared up with a harsh gasp when Russell suddenly pulled back. 

Russell gave him a heavy-lidded smile and went to hunt for a condom and the lube, and after rolling the condom onto Danny’s cock he applied a generous amount of lube onto it. 

“Are you sure about that?” Danny asked breathlessly.

But Russell had his eyes closed and with parted lips, he slowly began to lower himself onto Danny’s cock. 

“Russell, don’t hurt yourself...”  
“I want you so much,” Russell replied in a soft gasp. 

Eventually Russell was straddling Danny’s hips, a blissful smile on his face while he was chewing on his lower lip. Danny ran his hands gently up and down Russell’s sides and down his thighs as well while Russell rocked gently back and forth.

They soon fell into a comfortable rhythm, but when Danny reached for Russell’s cock Russell took each of Danny’s hands with each of his and entwined their fingers. Holding on to each other they kept their eyes on each other’s face while their breaths turned into fast and heavy moans. It was not a wild, quick fuck but sweet and gentle, and they took their time. But when Russell realised Danny was approaching his point of no return he closed his eyes and let his head drop back, increasing speed and force of his moves. 

It took Danny mere moments after that before he came on a deep and throaty moan, eyes pinched shut and head pressed into the pillow again. 

Russell let go of his hands and let himself fall forward, catching himself on his hands that rested on either side of Danny’s chest. He looked up at Danny and smiled, but Danny still had his eyes closed. 

With a quick practised move Russell disposed of the condom and grabbed one of the towels, and after cleaning up he shuffled forward until he was straddling Danny’s chest instead. 

Danny opened his eyes and Russell propped his hands against the headboard and leaned forward. His cock was throbbing when he gently and cautiously rested the tip against Danny’s lower lip, who then smiled and flicked the tip with his tongue. Russell inhaled with a sharp hiss. 

Then Danny opened his lips and Russell pushed carefully into his mouth, his own mouth hanging open and his eyes almost rolling into his head. Yet he managed to keep some of his attention on Danny’s face as he moved, carefully and slowly at first, to make sure he could pull out fast enough if necessary. 

Russell didn’t last long, though. Watching Danny’s face and his own cock slide in and out of Danny’s lips was too hot, turned him on much faster than he would have liked, and after a few quick and harder thrusts he came on a shout, shuddering and almost whimpering when he felt Danny swallow around him. 

He almost fell out of the bed when he lowered himself down, but Danny managed to catch him and pulled him close. They wordlessly embraced and shared a few more kisses before they cuddled up under the blanket again. 

Danny, still awake despite being tired and with Russell sleeping in his arms, watched as the moonlight filtered through the windows and reflected on the gently shifting panels of white fabric surrounding the bed.


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not quite as planned, but still a good weekend.

The first thing they did the next morning was to dismantle the ‘shrine’. Russell had complained about it being in the middle of the night, but when Danny had switched on music and he could smell coffee Russell surrendered to his fate and crawled out of bed. 

While Russell now collected all the glasses with the candles Danny removed all the tacks and threw the panels of fabric onto the sofa. Metal was blaring from Danny’s phone as they worked, and after Russell had disposed of all the candles and put the glasses into the dishwasher, he and Danny proceeded to fold the white cloth so they could pack it up.

“Practising domestic tasks,” Russell said with a grin as he walked towards Danny to take the two corners of the cloth the latter was holding. “Like folding bed sheets. It’s a two person job.”  
“And is there anything else to practise?” Danny asked with a wink as he stuffed the folded fabric into a large bag.  
“Hmmm...” Russell made a show of thinking while tapping his chin with his finger.

Before he could answer, however, his phone rang. Danny hastily grabbed his own to switch off the music as Russell answered.

“Yes?” He blinked in confusion. “Hey Allan.”

As he put the last folded sheets into the bag, Danny cocked one eyebrow and frowned.

“Oh... shit.” 

Danny spun around.

Russell had his eyes closed and sighed. “Okay... no it’s not! Of course I can. It’s just that I’m on Waiheke and... No, it’s absolutely not a problem; I just can’t be there in a jiffy.” Then Russell opened his eyes and gave Danny a smile and a calming gesture with his hand. “Okay. No, I’m coming. No worries. Okay, see you!”

Then Russell dropped the phone onto the sideboard. “Well shit.”  
“And what was that?” Danny stepped closer.

“That was one of my bosses.” Russell combed his hair back with his fingers. “There’s a delivery that was scheduled for next week but it came today, and they have the whole shop full of boxes and crates but also, because it’s Saturday, they’re busy as fuck and... yeah.” He shrugged. “If it had come Monday or Tuesday it wouldn’t have been a problem since there would’ve been three of us, but now...” Then Russell sighed and grabbed his phone. “Allan was really desperate and he apologized a million times because I took the day off but... they need an extra pair of hands. And I know that... But I don’t want to say no.”

Danny nodded and stepped closer. “I get it. You just started there and you love it, of course you don’t want to say no. I’d to the same.”  
Russell sighed again. “I had other plans for the weekend.”  
“So had they,” Danny replied calmly. “But it’s not the whole weekend. A few hours and you just come back here. Then we have the rest of today and tonight and most of tomorrow too.”

Russell rested his hands on Danny’s hips and was able to smile again. “And what are you going to do in that time?”  
“I’d like to come along to Auckland,” Danny replied. “I mean, I don’t have my laptop or anything, so I could pick that up and have something to do until you come back.”  
“Not build me another shrine?” Russell asked with a wink.  
Danny had a pointed, long look around. “What is wrong with this place as it is?”  
“Nothing,” Russell replied with a chuckle. “The ambience of the place is easy enough to improve with a bit less clothing.”

They both chuckled and shared a kiss before getting ready. 

Russell was about to take a small detour to drop Danny off, but shortly after they had left the ferry terminal they passed a bus that could take Danny home so Danny hopped off at the next bus stop. Russell watched him board the bus while he stood at the traffic lights, and with a sigh he looked at the road again and waited for the lights to turn green.

* * *

When Russell came back to the beach house late in the afternoon Danny’s car was there, and he left his own car with a smile. He had texted Danny when he had boarded the ferry, and now he was greeted by the smell of coffee as he opened the door. The extractor fan in the kitchen was running too, and with his smile widening Russell got rid of his shoes and stepped inside. 

“Honey, I’m home!” He yelled with a grin. 

Danny came out of the kitchen with a grin of his own. “Hi!”  
“Are you cooking?”  
“Yes I am.” Danny pointed at the table and two cups that stood there. “There’s coffee.”  
“You’re an angel.”

Russell fell into a chair and grabbed the cup that was full while Danny took the other one and drained it. Only now did Russell realise that while Danny was wearing an apron, there was nothing _under_ that apron. He slowly put his cup down. 

Danny noticed Russell’s facial expression and his smile turned into a smirk. 

“You...” Russell leaned back and looked Danny up and down.  
“I?”  
“...are cooking...” Russell gestured vaguely at Danny’s bare arms. “...like that”?  
“You know... you said the ambience would be improved with less clothing.” Danny winked. “But I don’t really fancy hot cooking oil in my chest hair so yes, I thought it was a good idea to wear an apron.”

Danny turned around and headed back into the kitchen. Russell meant to reach for his cup, but with his eyes glued to Danny’s backside he managed to grab empty air two or three times until his fingers closed around the handle. 

Not that Russell had expected Danny to be naked under that apron. But he wasn’t wearing his usual black denim, either. Russell hadn’t seen those black leather trousers before and the way they encased Danny’s ass made him shift in his seat.

“Danny?”  
“Yes?”  
“Those... trousers?”  
Danny turned around and grinned. “I ordered them last week and lucky me, they had arrived this morning. I’d have thought leather would be more uncomfortable to start with but they’re great! What do you think?”  
“They’re great,” Russell agreed, somewhat absentmindedly, while his mind proceeded to conjure images of that ass without a second skin of black leather or rather, of himself peeling said ass out of said tight black leather.

He could hear Danny snort and blinked hastily while his ears were beginning to glow. By the way Danny looked at him his thoughts had been written all over his face, and all Russell could do was shrug with a crooked grin. 

They had steak and mashed potatoes and peas, and once again, Russell had to tell Danny that there was nothing wrong with the quality of Danny’s cooking. He just kept on insisting it wasn’t much, and while it maybe wasn’t much compared to what Russell and Anders usually cooked in terms of finesse or the amount of spices, it was still perfect and amazing food. Russell had paid money for steaks a lot of times that couldn’t compete with this in any way, and he said as much. 

“This steak is perfect,” Russell said firmly. “So mash and peas are pretty basic fare, so what? In case you hadn’t noticed I had seconds and thirds.”  
Danny smiled again, albeit a little shyly, and adjusted his cutlery on his empty plate. “Thanks. I mean...”  
“If you tell me one more time that the bar is set high by me then I will never cook again.”

Danny looked up. Russell grinned back. The smile returned to Danny’s face and Russell’s grin widened. 

“Seriously.” Russell reached out and took one of Danny’s hands. “Stop that. Stop hiding your light under the bushel all the fucking time.”  
Danny closed his fingers around Russell’s.  
“Danny.” Russell lifted their entwined hands and kissed Danny’s knuckles. His voice softened, as did his smile. “I hate it when you demean yourself that way. Stop acting as if you’re not good enough for me.”

Their eyes met for a moment, then Russell let go of Danny’s hands, got up and walked around the table. He slung both arms around Danny’s shoulders and crossed his hands on his chest, then rested his cheek on Danny’s crown. Danny lifted his hands and closed them around Russell’s. 

“Hey,” Russell whispered. “You’re gorgeous. And amazing. And I want you for dessert.”

Danny snorted and Russell quickly straightened up and stepped back. 

Danny shook his head with a smile as he got up, and they shared more than one look and kiss while they cleared the table. But as Danny made his way to the bedroom Russell grabbed a fold of his T-shirt to hold him back, and when Danny turned around Russell pushed him against the nearest wall. 

Before Danny could utter any protest or say anything else Russell was on his knees, and Danny let his head fall back with a deep, heavy sigh. 

“That was one deep sigh,” Russell said with a chuckle.  
“Yeah...” Danny swallowed hard and his voice was a bit unsteady as Russell struggled with the buttons. “If you think a boner is uncomfortable in jeans try leather.”

Russell chuckled again and focussed on the job. The leather was squeaky new and almost unyielding, and it took him some effort to undo the buttons. Eventually he succeeded, and he carefully pushed the waistband of Danny’s boxers down to free a hard and straining dick that was glistening at the tip. 

“Dessert,” Russell said brightly with a lick of his lips, but before Danny could even begin to laugh or smile he had helped himself to a generous mouthful. Any reply died in Danny’s throat, drowned in a low, deep moan. 

Danny buried his fingers into Russell’s hair while Russell used his silver tongue to the best of his abilities, and so it didn’t take Danny long to come on a loud high-pitched moan, his fingers digging into Russell’s scalp. 

Once Danny’s mind had cleared and he could open his eyes again he found Russell watch him with a lascivious flick of his tongue across his lips. 

Danny’s breathless smile darkened into a smirk as he sorted himself out again, and he adjusted his boxers before pushing himself off the wall. Then he pulled Russell into a fiery kiss and pushed him onto the sofa where he fell onto his knees. 

“Danny?”  
“You think I don’t want a dessert too?” Danny asked, the dark smirk still in place. “Maybe I should’ve bought a can of whipped cream.”  
“Oh my god...” Russell whispered shakily and tried to smile, but failed when Danny lowered his head. 

After they had both recovered they exchanged their clothes for sweatpants and hoodies, and while Danny cleared his laptop and textbooks off the sofa table Russell fetched a couple of beers from the fridge. Then they snuggled up on the sofa together to watch a movie. 

They found a television premiere of an Australian movie, a gay romance story that had gotten an immensely positive feedback from both audiences and critics. It was about a man called Hank, a closeted teacher in his late thirties, and his fruitless struggles in the petty bourgeoisie life he was caught in: A job he hated and a wife he had married to please his parents. It wasn’t before he met Jason, a rehabilitated former bad boy who had left sex, drugs and biker gangs behind in favour of a small farm in the countryside, that he found the courage to be himself, jump into the unknown and embrace life on his own terms. 

It was a lovely story, it had fantastic actors and well executed sex scenes that were very suggestive and yet incredibly erotic at the same time. Russ and Danny found themselves groping each other almost unconsciously as they watched the two make love.

By the time the end credits rolled to _I don’t want to miss a thing_ they had ended up making out on the sofa, and when they had finally made it into bed they fell asleep almost instantly.

* * *

Russell was awoken the next morning by the smell of coffee. Smiling at him with the cups in his hands, Danny was standing next to the bed and Russell smiled back with a deep sigh. 

After they had their coffee in bed they spent some time cuddling until hunger made them get up, and after devouring their breakfast they took another walk down to the beach. 

They took a long walk this time, almost an hour, and they walked hand in hand, the wind toying with the hair that peeked out from their hoods. They enjoyed the salty air in companionable, comfortable silence until they had almost reached the house again. 

“I guess by now you’re itching to get back to your books and papers,” Russell said as they walked up the small rise from the beach to the house.  
“Yes and no,” Danny replied slowly. “I know I gotta get back to my books, and I want to, but I also kind of don’t want to and rather hang out with you.”  
“Hey.” Russell nudged shoulders with him. “Come on. You’re smart. And you’re good. You’re damn good, and you know that. You didn’t get a single grade under 95 so far, not even the one that had you so shit-ass afraid last year.”  
“So?” Danny raised his eyebrows.

Russell smiled at him. “What I’m saying is that you’re good enough as you are,” he went on. “You’re good enough that you can ace your grades without studying every spare minute.”  
“So we can hang out more?”  
“If that’s what you want,” Russell said with a happy smile. “Come on, Danny, life is good!”

Now Danny smiled as well, and they shared an affectionate kiss before they walked on.

By the time they had eaten lunch it was already afternoon and they decided they should pack up and head home. 

“I guess your uncle Ed knows perfectly well what we use his house for, right?”  
“Of course he does,” Danny replied as he locked the door. “He isn’t an idiot.”  
“But he’s definitely awesome.”  
“Yeah.” Danny looked up with a grin. “He is the only one in the whole family who isn’t boring as fuck. Actually, he is sort of the black sheep of the family and I always have to bite my tongue when someone whispers to someone else at family gatherings that he just keeps taking lady friends out to his beach house. It’s a scandal, really.”

Russell snorted and Danny’s grin widened. 

“So yeah, Uncle Ed is the Cool Uncle. Kind of like your uncle Axl. And since I came out as bi, he’s not the odd one out anymore. He always liked me and encouraged me from the time I started wearing metal shirts and stopped cutting my hair, but since I’m openly in a same-sex relationship he really has taken a shine to me.”  
“Which is pretty cool,” Russell replied. “And pretty handy.”

They exchanged another grin before they headed to their respective cars. 

They spent the time on the ferry together, leaning on the railing and watching Auckland come closer, and after disembarking agreed that they would hang out a bit more at Russell’s place. 

Anders invited Danny for dinner and the latter accepted, but after that Danny headed home as he had to go to uni the next day and Russell had to go to work. They parted with passionate kisses at the door. 

Russell couldn’t fall asleep for quite some time after going to bed; his mind kept going back to the weekend and especially Friday afternoon and evening. 

It had been more amazing than he had ever been able to imagine, and just remembering the sight of Danny on the pillow made him half hard again. He didn’t give in to any hopes that it would happen again anytime soon – and sure as fuck not as elaborately as that – but even if it never happened again he would forever treasure these memories and the incredible gift his Danny had given him.

* * *

When Danny came home his parents were watching a movie and returned his greeting without leaving the living room. Which was fine by him, really, as he didn’t fancy a strained conversation of ‘How was your weekend?’ ‘Fine, Thank you’ followed by an awkward silence. The fact that he was having sex with another guy was something everyone in this house pretended didn’t exist. It irked Danny to no end, since he could perfectly well remember that his parents had never given him any uncomfortable looks when he had gone to spend a weekend with Sarah. He avoided thinking about it, it was pointless.

He was frustrated even if he knew they were trying really, really hard, but some things were just too deeply ingrained to get over that easily. They made a huge effort, even if the result was less than stellar. He tried not to be angry or hold it against them, but it wasn’t easy.

Danny headed upstairs, dropped off the backpack in his room and immediately headed into the bathroom to get ready for bed. 

He was already yawning when he closed the door to his room behind him, but when he sat down on the bed his eyes fell onto the desk and the three papers that sat there and waited for him to read them. He had printed those out to be able to highlight and make notes, and now he took one, settled back against his pillow and started reading.


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Danny tries to find a balance and is not really successful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Allan and Henry now have [facial references](http://lakritzwolf.tumblr.com/MtW_Cast) too. I took the freedom of borrowing the faces of well known actors. They just fit perfectly.
> 
> Also: I forgot to mention this in the last two chapters, but after I only had one single facial reference for Danny for so long, a friend finally managed to find the source of that one picture. For those who wonder why I and a few others gush about him so much, look [here](https://www.fotolia.com/Search/Model/12853658?with_offensive=on#) to see what he looks like.
> 
> And if you like, you can have a look [here](http://lakritzwolf.tumblr.com/My_Babies) to see what my friends eeftheotter and mayyourbeardnevergrowthin over on tumblr (and me too) have made with all these lovely faces of Young Iolaus and an unnamed guy who will forever be Danny to my heart. Those are edits that haven’t appeared in the story and were just made for shits and giggles and because I’m the luckiest happiest author in the world to have friends that make me photo edits of my babies. I love you.
> 
> * * *

On his way to Queens Street the next morning, Russell realised once again that finding his new job had been the best that could have happened to him. He had completely lost his bearings after Norway, and this gave him at least something to focus on. He had something meaningful to do that he loved, he made his own money and he was in contact with a lot of people who all shared the same passion with him while he worked. It brought him out of his shell very effectively. And it stopped him from missing Danny so ridiculously much. 

It had been three weeks since he had come home, and for some reason Russell felt he shouldn’t be craving Danny’s presence so much anymore. But he did; sometimes he couldn’t stop thinking about him and his smile (or his ass, or worse: that _smirk_ ), and so he was more than happy he had something else to engage in. 

When he entered the shop Allan waved at him, a screwdriver between his teeth, and Henry yelled a friendly ‘Good Morning’ at him while trying to hold a metal contraption together. It looked as if the two were trying to assemble a display stand, probably for scores and sheet music, by the size of it. 

Watching them, Russell bit his lips and tried not to think of Laurel and Hardy. 

“You need to screw here!” Henry was scowling at the instruction leaflet.  
“There isn’t a hole, you idiot!” Allan replied after spitting out the screwdriver.  
“But that’s where the arrow is pointing!”

The two metal parts tilted dangerously to the left.

“Then you have to get me a drill because there isn’t a hole, you moron!”  
“Just move your...” Henry pushed Allan’s left hand away. “It’s right there, you dimwit! Stop calling me a moron when you’re stupid enough that you don’t notice you’re sticking your thumb into a hole!”  
“I am not sticking my thumb into it! How about I stick it up your nose so you know the difference?”

The contraption tilted towards the right, even more so now as the two glared daggers at each other. Russell put his backpack down behind the counter and cautiously approached the two.

“So this is where the screw... or is it this one?” Allan was looking at a bag full of screws, the screwdriver clamped between his teeth in the corner of his mouth. “Is it a long or a short one? There are two kinds of screws!”  
“What do you mean, long or short?” Henry looked up at him and the contraption between his hands began to wobble.  
“Watch it!” Allan snarled and dropped both the leaflet and the bag of screws.

Before Henry could yell at him Russell had swept the bag up and smiled. “Do you guys need a hand?”  
“We’d be fine if that idiot...” Allan pointed at Henry “... hadn’t just unpacked everything...”  
“You told me to, you moron!”  
“But not like a toddler tears up his Christmas presents!”  
“Why don’t you do it yourself next time?”

Allan rolled his eyes as Henry glared up at him. Henry looked as if he was ready to jump up and punch Allan in the face, but he had the two parts of the display stand in his hands and if he let go the whole thing would collapse, and most likely be irreparably damaged. 

“I told you to unpack, not throw every small part together into a bag!” Allan said and glowered at his partner.  
“You could have helped but nooo, the fine gentleman had to get his cup of tea...”  
“It would have over-steeped!”  
“And thus the world would have come to an end!”

“Gentlemen,” Russell cut in. “I think we have a customer.”

Both Allan and Henry looked up at the door where three teenage girls where giggling and grinning at them. Russell smiled, rolled his shoulders and proceeded to take care of the customers while in the background, Allan and Henry kept on struggling with the display stand. 

Once the girls had left again Russell walked towards the back of the shop and took the instruction leaflet that Henry had dropped. Then he fetched two saucers from the kitchen and proceeded to sort the screws again while Henry and Allan kept shooting each other death glares, and with combined efforts the three of them finally managed to assemble the display stand without anything or anyone coming to harm. 

They admired their work afterwards and Allan crossed his arms with a satisfied nod.

“I love it when a plan comes together.”  
“Allan,” Henry said.  
“What.”  
“Take the screwdriver out of your mouth.”

* * *

Russell spent the rest of the day sorting through the classical sheet music, which was a tedious job but still needed lots of focus. Apart from the three girls that morning Russell didn’t speak to another customer that day and he was dead tired of looking at scores and notes when he left that afternoon. And he knew he wasn’t done yet, he wasn’t even half-way through.

To his surprise, Danny was waiting for him outside, leaning against the wall next to the shop window.

“What are you doing here?” Russell asked with a grin.  
Danny pushed himself off the wall and picked up his backpack that sat at his feet. “I finished like twenty minutes ago and I thought I’d come here, I mean, it’s around the corner, right? Thought I’d pick you up.”

Russell’s grin widened and Danny smiled back at him and held out his hand. Russell took it and the two looked at each other.

“So, any plans?” Russell asked.  
“We could grab a coffee,” Danny replied. “Or we could head to your place. Didn’t really plan anything.”  
“Albert Park maybe?”  
“Sounds good.”

But before they had even crossed Victoria Street it started to rain, and they fled into the nearest café and waited for the worst to pass. They sat at a small table at the window and, through a curtain or droplets crawling down the glass, watched the people hurry past; enjoying being warm and dry surrounded by the smell of coffee and baked goods. They sipped their coffee, playing footsies under the table while Russell told Danny of the scene in the shop this morning, and Danny laughed as hard as Russell hadn’t dared to at that point. Not quite. They were his bosses, after all. 

They had another coffee but the rain seemed to have gotten comfortable over Auckland so they paid, exchanged a look, and surrendered to their fate. They were both dripping wet when they had finally reached Russell’s car – Danny usually took the bus to uni – and Russell drove Danny home. 

“And just in time for dinner,” Danny said with a grin and grabbed his backpack as he opened the door.  
“Enjoy,” Russell replied and Danny leaned over for another kiss.  
“Take care,” Danny said as he got out. “See you tomorrow!”  
“See you!”

Russell headed home and changed into dry clothes, relieved to be able to peel himself out of the sticky wet jeans. 

“Oh, I’ve been hanging out with Danny,” Russell replied when his father asked him during dinner if he had had to work overtime. “He picked me up at work and we had a coffee together.”  
Anders lifted his eyebrows. “Isn’t it examination period?”  
Russell nodded and finished chewing. “Soon,” he said. “But I could convince him he’s good enough to ace it without studying every free minute. Because he is.”  
“I guess he knows best.” Anders took the carafe and poured himself more water. “Although I totally agree with you.”

Russell smiled brightly and nodded. So far, examination periods had sucked some major balls, but this time it would be better. He went to bed in an exceptionally good mood, despite knowing he would have to finish sorting sheet music tomorrow.

* * *

Danny picked him up again Tuesday afternoon after Russell had finished work, but because the weather still was dreadful they headed to Godden Crescent and spent the rest of the afternoon in Russell’s room, first watching a movie and then making out on the bed. 

Danny stayed for dinner and Russell gave him a lift home. It was after eleven when he was back home, but luckily he didn’t have to be at work before eight. 

Thinking about work made him think about how it would be having their own place, he and Danny, and coming home from work to a place where Danny was waiting, at least until he had to start working shifts. Just waking up next to him every morning, and fall asleep next to him every night. It made him smile and made him feel giddy, and his stomach was full of butterflies as if he was freshly in love. 

He couldn’t wait and he promised himself they would start looking for a place the very next weekend.

* * *

Danny went to uni in his own car Wednesday morning so Russell wouldn’t have to drive into town twice a day, but he had to do it anyway since he had overslept a bit and was too late to take the bus. It wasn’t really like him to sleep over his alarm, so he would play safe for now and put the phone onto the desk instead of his nightstand from now on. 

His day was mostly anatomy, a subject he really liked. But looking at charts with muscles and nerves was tiring and at one point Danny had trouble focussing on the screen. For the first time in his life he wondered if he needed glasses but firmly pushed the thought aside out of sheer vanity. 

His mates asked if he wanted to join them in the cafeteria after lectures, but Danny declined and headed into the library where he stayed until Russell was about to finish work. They had a coffee first and then dinner at their favourite pizza place, and spent the rest of the evening in their favourite pub. Since they both were driving they couldn’t drink much, so they just sat there and talked, mostly about Russell’s time in Norway. 

Thinking about Norway still made Danny feel restless and uncomfortable. Every time he couldn’t push the thought of EK448 out of his mind he just wanted to call Russell or drive over to see him to make sure he was all right. Which was nonsense of course, so he never did it. 

But sometimes the images of floating wreckage and the emotionless voice of newsreaders haunted him into his dreams. He would wake up wanting to scream and punch walls, but he only curled up and waited for it to pass so he could fall asleep again. It didn’t happen often, thankfully. But this night after he and Russ had talked about Norway it came back, and Danny was unable to sleep again after the dream had woken him up. 

He spent the rest of the night forcing himself to read through several papers to make himself forget, and of course, going to uni was torture that day. Anatomy lessons again, this time bones and joints, but when Danny left the building he had the feeling he had learned nothing at all. He didn’t join the others for coffee to pick Russell up from work again. 

“You look tired,” Russell said to him after they had gone upstairs into Russell’s room.  
He didn’t want to admit he had had a nightmare, not to Russell who had enough of his own shit to deal with, so he just settled for a half-truth. “I couldn’t sleep properly.”  
“Maybe you should just go home and go to bed early,” Russell suggested gently but after last night, Danny wanted nothing more than to curl up with him for a bit. 

Which they did, and Danny curled around him with a deep sigh and finally, felt the tension drain out of him. He was so looking forward to be able to live with him, sleep next to him every night. He was still worried about Russell’s nightmares, but Russell hadn’t mentioned them again since he had started working, so he assumed he hadn’t had any. 

Still, the thought of Russell waking up at night from a nightmare, alone and scared, was almost unbearable. He just wanted to be there, always, and make sure he was safe, even if he knew he was being overprotective. He wondered if that was the first step to become possessive, which was a feeling he couldn’t allow. Nothing about Russell was his to demand. 

His fellow students asked him again Friday afternoon if he wanted to come along greet the weekend with a coffee or a drink, but he declined again as he was spending the day with Russ. He was also staying the weekend in Godden Crescent again – after checking twice if Anders really was okay with him staying there that much – and he was looking forward to actually sleeping with Russell again. After the time he had been allowed to stay there, right after Russell’s return, he had gotten used to sleeping in one bed with him and he missed it. Not even because of sex. Just to be close to him. 

Danny brought two textbooks along for the weekend, just to maybe sit down an hour here and there so he wouldn’t get a bad conscience. But what with them going to Westmere for the most of Saturday and to the pub with the whole band afterwards, and Sunday just spending more or less curled up with Russell, he didn’t get any reading done. 

When he was home again Sunday night he looked at the books he unpacked from his backpack with a heavy heart. He needed to have those down in a few weeks, and one of them was massive. He needed to cut down on his time with Russell. It was the last thing he wanted, but he had to. He needed to be home early tomorrow to read. 

He dropped Russell a text the next day that he needed to do some reading, and Russell replied that of course he should do some reading and that he should take care of himself. But Tuesday afternoon Danny was already waiting outside Grant & Wilson again when Russell finished. 

“I thought you needed to do some reading?”  
Danny shrugged and smiled a little embarrassedly. “I kind of missed you.”  
“After one day?” Russell chuckled.  
Danny shrugged again. “Guess I’m not done yet with being a bit clingy.” Then he frowned. “You okay with this? Did you have plans?”

“No!” Russell quickly shook his head. “No, I didn’t! I was just surprised. I thought you needed more time to study, actually.”  
“You know,” Danny said as they walked towards the car park. “You said I’m not stupid, and I know that. And the others study half as much as I did last year and they didn’t have any bad grades so...” He shrugged again. “I kind of like it that I don’t have to have boyfriend withdrawals, and I guess so do you.”

Russell smiled and took his hand. Then his smile faded a bit.

“I do,” he said slowly. “But you do look really tired. You should go home after the coffee and see you’re in bed early.”  
“Maybe I should do that,” Danny replied slowly because truth was, he _was_ tired. He needed to find a better balance.

* * *

Danny wanted to pick Russell up again Friday afternoon, but Russell hadn’t been at work, Allan had informed him. He had called in sick that morning. Danny immediately called him and Russell was in tears and apologized a dozen times for not even having dropped Danny a text.

“Russell what the fuck happened to you?” He was on his way to his car, and he was almost running.  
_“I’m sorry I didn’t...”_  
“Russell what happened?”  
_“I had a nightmare,”_ Russell said in a rough voice. _“It was terrible, and vile, and I puked my guts out afterwards. I was just in bed today and... I’m so sorry I forgot...”_  
“Russell, forget about that. I’m coming, okay? I’m almost in the car. I’ll be there as fast as I can. It’s okay.”  
_“Sorry...”_

Danny shifted the phone to the other ear as he dropped his backpack to be able to unlock the car.

“It’s okay, Russ. It really is. I’m on my way. Okay?”  
_“Okay.”_

Danny had to force himself not to speed on his way to Godden Crescent. Russell wasn’t in any danger, and the nightmare was over anyway. He couldn’t make it go away. But he could help Russell feel better now, and after dropping down on the sofa next to him, Danny forgot about textbooks and papers for the rest of the weekend.


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Russell has an unpleasant realisation, but he is surrounded by support so he can get a grip on it.

After Danny had left Sunday night, Anders made two coffees and sat down next to Russell on the sofa. Seona was away on a conference and would first be back Tuesday, so the two were alone. 

“You look a lot better,” he said as he handed Russell the cup.  
“Thanks.” Russell closed his eyes and inhaled the steam emanating from the coffee. “I feel tons better. I just...” He opened his eyes again and looked at his father. “I just sleep so much better with Danny next to me.”  
“That sounds... lovely,” Anders replied, but he didn’t smile. “But honestly, I’m a bit worried about Danny.”

Russell’s eyes flew open. “What? Why?”  
“Maybe you didn’t notice because you were... not in the best frame of mind, but he looks tired.”  
“You know...” Russell adjusted his position. “I already told him that on Monday, that he needs a bit more sleep and probably needs to read a bit more too.”  
“And what did he say?”  
“That I was right, and that he should,” Russell replied. “But he was there again Tuesday and said he missed me.”

Anders frowned into his coffee. 

“Dad?”  
“I don’t really know,” Anders said slowly after a moment. “You said he agreed with you when you told him he’s so good that he doesn’t need to study all the time, but I don’t think he’s really happy with it.”

Russell leaned forward and narrowed his eyes. “What? He said so himself!”  
Anders shrugged. “Which I don’t doubt. But are you sure he’s not doing this to do you a favour?”

Russell almost jumped up and glared at his father over his cup.

“Are you fucking serious? He said he wants to spend time with me, why would he lie about that?!”  
“I never said he would lie, or that he lied,” Anders gave back calmly. “But if he isn’t actually reading and studying every night at the cost of sleep I’ll eat one of my ties.”

Russell stared at him with his mouth hanging open and failed to think of a reply.

“I could be wrong, in which case I guess I need to find out which condiment goes best with a cotton-silk blend,” Anders went on. “But it looks very much like that to me.”  
“Dad...”  
“Or why do you think he’s always so tired?”  
“He said his exam periods are stressful.”  
“Of course they are. I just can’t remember him looking this drained during the last examination periods.”  
“I hardly saw him during the last examination periods!”  
“Which is my point.”

Russell was still staring helplessly at his father, and he swallowed drily.

“Russ, I’m not saying this is your fault,” Anders said calmly but firmly. “I believe that Danny said that, and I also believe he believes he has to do this. It could be he’s not really aware of it because I’m sure he wouldn’t lie to you about it. It’s probably a matter of ‘Let me just read these two pages before bedtime’ and then reading the whole thing anyway.”

Russell swallowed again.

“See, the thing is,” Anders went on. “Or the way I see it, anyway. And bear in mind, I can be totally wrong. But the way I see it is that Danny is still not quite over what happened with your homecoming from Norway. It was hell for me, and what kind of hell it was for him I can’t even imagine. That thing left its marks on all of us.”  
“But...” Russell clutched his cup so hard his fingertips were white.  
“Danny wants to take care of you and make sure you’re okay,” Anders said. “It seems like he just can’t let go. I mean, I didn’t realise it before tonight when he said good bye. How tired he looks.”  
“I...” Russell bit his lips. “I had another nightmare Saturday night. We both didn’t sleep a lot.”

Anders leaned back and sighed. “Oh Russ...” He took a sip of coffee. “What does Helen say to all these things? Norway and the homecoming, I mean.”

Russell froze and licked his lips again, but it looked as if he did it in slow-motion. 

Now Anders narrowed his eyes and put his cup down. “Russell?”  
“I...”  
“Russell, don’t tell me you haven’t spoken to her yet.”  
“But...”

Anders stared at him for a moment with parted lips. “Russell, for fuck’s sake,” he said. “You have been through the trauma of your lifetime, _again_ , and you haven’t spoken to your therapist yet?”  
“But...” Russell put his cup down now too and his fingers were shaking. “But it’s not that bad, really! I mean... okay, Hamad scared the crap out of me, but seriously, the nightmare I had Thursday night was the worst since I came home. As long as Danny is there I...”  
“Russell,” Anders cut in sharply. “Danny is not a substitute for...”  
“He helps me better than any therapy ever did!” Russell interrupted him. “And he says he’s happy he can help me and be there for me!”

“And at what cost?” Anders took a deep breath. “Russell, for fuck’s sake, take a step back and think! Don’t get me wrong now, I think it’s amazing and wonderful that you two work so well together, but this is...” He sighed. “You can’t rely on him to take care of you and your issues and your nightmares all the bloody time. He can’t be there for you twenty-four seven. And once he starts working shifts he can’t sleep next to you every night, either.” 

He leaned forward and took one of Russell’s hands. 

“And I’m not saying that he shouldn’t help you. But Russell, you need to tackle this yourself. It’s your life, and your soul. Danny can help you, and he should help you, with carrying that load, but he can’t carry it for you. You know as well as I do that he has his own baggage. You can both help each other, but Danny can’t be a substitute for therapy. You need to get a grip on this.”

Russell stared at their hands and up again, and now his eyes were filling with tears.

“But I... I didn’t mean to...”  
“Of course you didn’t,” Anders went on, his voice very gentle now. “Of course you didn’t mean to use Danny as a substitute for therapy. You both thought it would be enough, but Russell... it isn’t.”  
“But...” Russell’s voice was hoarse. “Dad, what am I going to do now?”  
“Talk to Helen,” Anders replied and closed his hand firmly around Russell’s. “I know you just started that job and getting therapy sessions is going to be a pain in the ass, but you need to do it. It’s only going to get worse if you don’t. And I also think you should take Danny along for a session or two, but that’s Helen’s forte, not mine.”

Russell stared at his father in pain and desolation, and after a sigh Anders let go of his son’s hand and moved closer to sling both arms around him. Russell fell against Anders’s shoulder with a sob and Anders tightened his hold.

“But... Dad, how could I let this happen?”  
“Shit happens,” Anders said softly. “Mistakes happen. Misjudgements happen. Neither you nor Danny is fully in control of this. And that’s why you need help, and you know where to get it.”

After a moment he needed to calm down, Russell leaned back and wiped a hand across his eyes. “I need to text Danny.”  
“Russ...” Anders laid a hand on his arm. “You shouldn’t. Not yet. You need to calm down first, because if you speak to Danny like this and start to cry again you’re only going to make it worse for both of you.”

Russell was breathing heavily and was still blinking his tears away, but after a moment he nodded.

* * *

Russell didn’t really sleep well that night, not because of nightmares but because he was worrying himself half to death. There was Danny, and there were his nightmares and therapy and his new job; he had no idea how he could put it all together without anything going to shit. Maybe it had been too soon. Maybe he should have waited with getting himself a job until after he had had some therapy sessions. But this was a job he loved... and he had had only that one chance to get it. 

Russell tossed and turned in his bed until his spine hurt, and he was dead tired when he dragged himself out of bed. A shower and serious coffee helped, but he still felt like shit, and apparently he looked like it as well. 

Because the moment he stepped through the staff entrance into the shop and said good morning to Allan, the older man was immediately at his side.

“Good god, Russell, what happened to you?”  
Russell cleared his throat. “I... I kind of had... a shitty weekend.”  
“I can see that,” Allan said drily. “Come on, get a cup of tea.”

“The boy needs a coffee, the way he looks!” Henry poked his head out of the kitchen. “We’re not having biscuits with the Queen!”  
“Tea is good for the soul!” Allan snapped back.   
“Yes, for those souls who are too weak to handle...”  
“Drinks that taste of burnt tires?” Allan snarked as he steered Russell towards the back of the shop and into the small tea kitchen. “Hah!”

Russell sat down and smiled weakly up at Allan. “You would get along famously with my dad’s wife,” he said. “She hates coffee and says it tastes of burnt tires.”  
“Hah!” Allan thrust out a finger at his partner.  
“Hah yourself,” Henry replied calmly. “Some people just don’t know what is good and what the body needs.”

With that he put a cup of coffee in front of Russell and patted his shoulder.

“What the body needs,” Allan went on, unwilling to let the matter rest “...is surely not something that gives you a heart rate of 180 when sitting down.”  
Henry gave him a haughty look. “I’d rather have a heart rate of 180 than drink something that looks and tastes like lukewarm water out of a rusty pipe.”

“Luke...” Allan opened and closed his mouth a few times, looking like a scandalized fish on dry land. “Rusty... excuse me? Do you really have to go back there all the bloody time?”  
“I made that cup of tea with love and dedication!” Henry crossed his arms with a pout. “And you said it tasted...”  
“That was eight years ago!” Allan rolled his eyes. “I just couldn’t understand that even after fifteen years you were still not able to make a decent cup of tea!”  
Henry shrugged.  
“And to think that I learned to make coffee!” Allan looked deeply hurt. “For you!”

Henry took a step forward and his facial expression changed into a soft smile and huge puppy eyes. 

“And you make the best coffee in the world,” he said.  
Allan sagged and closed his arms around him. “Why am I putting up with you again?”  
“You tell me,” Henry purred. 

Russell cleared his throat and the two jumped and grinned at him, as if they had honestly forgotten about him for a moment. 

“Now,” Allan said after rolling his shoulders in an attempt to get his dignity back, and sat down next to Russell. “Where were we?”  
Henry sat down on Russell’s other side. “What’s the matter, my boy?”

Russell stared into his cup and sighed. It took him a while but eventually he managed to tell them why he had dropped out of uni (minus dark elves, giants and living incarnations of pagan gods, of course) and what had happened on his journey home. He proceeded to talk about him and Danny and that he would need to get a few therapy sessions after all, and his worries about how to reconcile that with his new job. He didn’t just want to take days or half days off after less than a month.

He was close to tears again when he had finished, and he didn’t notice the look Henry and Allan exchanged. Henry got up and made another coffee, and Allan rested a hand on Russell’s forearm. 

“Look here, my boy,” he began calmly. “I get why you’re so upset, but things are never as bad as they seem. Come on, look at me.”

With great effort, Russell lifted his head to look at Allan’s face and his gentle smile. 

“We like you. You’re a good man, and you’re good at your job. The last two guys we had weren’t bad either but...”  
“They weren’t totally clueless,” Henry went on and sat down with another coffee for Russell. “One of them played guitar and the other... piano, wasn’t it?” He looked up for confirmation and when Allan nodded, he went on. “They weren’t bad, but you... you love this job. And it shows. People leave satisfied and in a good mood. We’d be idiots if we just fire you over something like this.”

Russell clutched his cup and bit his lower lip. 

“It’s a bit inconvenient,” Allan said. “But you don’t have to go there for months for hours every other day, right?”  
“No,” Russell said quickly. “Just a few sessions I guess.”  
“So there.” Allan took a sip of his tea and nodded. “We figure this out. You call your therapist and ask her if you can have your sessions as early or as late as possible, and you can come in later or leave earlier on those days. We can cover that.”

Swallowing hard, Russell looked up at Allan, and then at Henry. Both men smiled at him and Henry patted his back.

“Feeling better?” He asked.  
Russell drained his cup and nodded. “Thank you.” His voice was a bit rough; he felt so relieved he was about to cry. 

Both Allan and Henry seemed to sense he wasn’t quite put together again yet, so they told him to have another coffee and went to open the shop.

* * *

Against all expectations, Russell was only too happy to deal with paper and sheet music and books as he didn’t feel able to face customers that day. After he had sent Helen a text he now just went through the last batch of the classical sheets, sorted them alphabetically by composer, and their works alphabetically or numerically. By the end of the day the new display stand was – _finally_ – neatly filled with clearly arranged sheet music. Allan praised his work and thanked him as he added the price tags, then handed him a feather duster and asked him to take care of the windowsills in the back of the shop. 

Cleaning dust and cobwebs from the windows reminded Russell of the studio, and he realised he hadn’t been there since the one afternoon they had spent there with the band. Two weeks ago? Three? He couldn’t even remember, and it made him feel sad and restless and somehow even worried. What if the others thought he didn’t want the band anymore?

Having finished the last window Russell leaned against the wall and shook his head. That was his anxiety speaking. The others weren’t thinking that. Or not yet at least. He had no idea why he hadn’t been there again, hadn’t even spoken to them about music or the band, and he had no idea why he hadn’t even felt the urge to go there. He had played guitar at home, but not there. 

Shaking his head he pushed himself off the wall and promised himself he would play again when he got home. And then he needed to get to the studio again, preferably with Danny. 

As if on cue, he passed the small drum kit in the back of the shop, and with a smile he flicked one of the cymbals with his finger. Allan looked up from the cash register and grinned.

“You play that, too?” Allan asked.  
“No,” Russell replied with a smile. “Danny does.”  
“Danny?” Henry looked up as well. “Is that the dark-haired hottie who picks you up here all the time?”  
“HENRY!”  
“What?”

Russell snorted and couldn’t stop himself from chuckling as he walked back to the shop front where he dusted off a few things in the windows. 

“Henry, sometimes you...”  
“Really, don’t you agree he looks a bit like you used to at that age?” Henry fluttered his eyelashes at his partner.  
“Maybe,” Allan said somewhat grumpily. “Is that to say you only called him a hottie because he reminds you of me?”

There wasn’t a reply and Russell firmly kept his eyes on his duster. The saxophones were very, very clean by the time he heard the two turn towards the cash register again. 

When Russell left the shop somewhat later, Danny was waiting there for him.

For a moment, Russell was torn. He knew he shouldn’t, but he wanted nothing more than to take Danny home and curl up in his arms. But then he looked at him and saw how deeply shadowed Danny’s eyes were. He really hadn’t slept properly for fuck knows how long, and Russell could only conclude that his father was right and Danny sacrificed sleep to make up for the time he didn’t spend studying. 

This wouldn’t do. It just wouldn’t do, but Russell was afraid that if he told Danny now that he didn’t want to hang out he would make Danny feel as if the latter had done something wrong. 

Danny’s smile died when he noticed Russell’s facial expression. 

“Russ?” He dropped his backpack and rested both hands on Russell’s shoulders.   
Russell looked up at him with a sigh and didn’t really know what to say.  
“Hey,” Danny said softly and pulled him close. “Don’t tell me you had another nightmare.”  
“I hadn’t,” Russell replied and he could feel Danny relax. “But I...” Danny tensed again.

With a heavy breath, Russell stepped back from him and took both of Danny’s hands.

“Danny,” he said slowly and could see Danny’s eyes darken as his lips turned into a narrow line. “Danny, please...” Russell faltered and took a deep breath. “Danny,” he said again, hesitantly and slowly. “You know, I’d love to hang out and have a coffee but... I just... I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

Danny swallowed visibly and his face turned into a calm, impenetrable mask. Russell had seen this facial expression before – on the face of Danny’s father. For a moment he was close to panic before he could sort his thoughts again. 

“Danny, you’re dead tired. I’m sorry... I’m really sorry, I should have seen this before but I didn’t. I wasn’t... I wasn’t in a good frame of mind during the weekend.”  
“Of course not,” Danny replied cautiously.

Russell took several deep breaths before he spoke again. 

“This isn’t... I thought you could do this, but Danny, I’m not sure this is a good idea. I was... I’m actually still sure that you can go through exams without studying every minute, and you said you can too, but I don’t think you believe what you said.” He squeezed Danny’s hands. “I’m not blaming you, okay? But I’m worried about you. You look so fucking tired. So I really... You need more time for yourself, more time to read, so you can also have more sleep.”

Danny said nothing.

“Danny... please, this doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with you,” Russell quickly went on. “Please, you have to believe me. Right now I’d love nothing more than to curl up with you somewhere, but really, we shouldn’t. We need to do this like we did the last time, and the time before. You need the time for yourself during examination period. We need to cut this down so you can study and sleep. I will never be able to forgive myself if you fail an exam or get a bad grade because I wanted to have a coffee with you every day.”

Danny slowly licked his lips and after a moment, he nodded. He looked so lost and sad for a moment that Russell let go of his hands and slung both arms around him, pulling him close as tightly as he could.

“Hey,” he whispered into Danny’s ear after Danny had closed his arms around him in turn. “I’m just worried. But you can do this. We can do this. I’ll miss you, just like the last times, but once we’re through this we find our own place and then we can cuddle every night after arguing about whose turn it was to do the laundry.” 

Danny huffed a slightly amused breath into Russell’s hair and Russell tightened his hold for a moment. Then he stepped back and smiled as he reached out to tuck a strand of hair that had escaped Danny’s ponytail back behind his ear.

“How about you come over Saturday morning for a coffee?”  
“Sounds cool,” Danny said with a smile. It didn’t quite reach his eyes, and Russell had no idea how to soften the blow he quite apparently had dealt just now.

So Russell did the only thing he could think of right now to show Danny beyond doubt that there was nothing wrong with him, which was pulling him close again and into a kiss. It took Danny a second or two to react, but then he relaxed and tightened his hold around Russell again. 

They kissed for a while, slowly and passionately and gently, before they parted again and said goodbye. Russell’s heart was decidedly less heavy now as the smile Danny had given him after he had headed for his car had been an honest one.

Russell was looking forward to the weekend, even if he was dreading the time without Danny until then. His phone rang at that moment.

“Yes?” Then he smiled. “Oh, hello Helen!”


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now it's Danny's turn for unpleasant realisations, and it's not going to be easy.

A look at his phone on the nightstand told Danny he should have been in bed a while ago; it was well past eleven. There were just two pages left until the end of the chapter though, and after that he would go to sleep. He was sitting cross-legged on the bed leaning against the headboard, the book in his lap, and for a moment he stared straight ahead. 

He couldn’t deny that he was incredibly relieved, now that Russell had said they shouldn’t spend so much time together anymore during examinations, even if he had felt rebuffed at first. It had felt shit even though he knew exactly that Russell was right, but by now the relief had won. 

Danny forced his mind back into his book, and toying with his pencil he finished the last two pages. He peeked at the illustrations on the first two pages of the next chapter, but then forcefully closed the book and put it onto the desk on his way to the door. 

He was yawning so hard his jaw hurt when he pulled up the blanket, and he was asleep the minute his head hit the pillow. If he dreamed that night, he remembered nothing of it when he woke up. 

He was still tired, but he had gotten an hour or two more sleep than the average during the last weeks, so that was a good thing. The first draft of his paper he had given to a student tutor turned out to be more than okay, and Danny nodded to himself as he went over the paper on his way back towards the cafeteria. The sacrificed sleep had been worth it, at least. 

It wasn’t before he had set up his laptop and equipped himself with a coffee that he noticed a few of his fellow students at the other end of the cafeteria. They were sitting around one of the larger tables under the window and at that moment burst out laughing about something one of them had said. 

For a moment, Danny just looked at them, then he shrugged and looked at the paper. There were quite a few corrections, but most of those were typos and a few weird sentences, of the kind were after copy-pasting parts of it back and forth the grammar got fucked up. Sipping his coffee, Danny focussed on his paper and worked through all the mistakes, and pulled up the two articles that the tutor had given him as additional reading suggestions. 

The others left soon after, from what he heard to go grab a coffee and some doughnuts or muffins in the Mill, a cafe close to campus. They passed his table and a few of them greeted him, but no one asked him to come along. Danny was miffed at first, until he realised that they probably didn’t see the point anymore. During the last three weeks he had said no every time they had asked him, every single time.

After a heavy sigh he shook his head, and then he focussed on his screen again.

* * *

Now that Russell had told him he needed to use his time for studying, study he did. Since his mates from uni didn’t ask him to come along anymore he didn’t get tempted to waste his time with drinking coffee somewhere, and he practically moved into the library after the lectures were over for the day. He exchanged texts with Russell every now and then, telling him how much he was looking forward to the weekend. 

But the closer the weekend got, the more restless he felt with the thought of spending so much time without his books. He wouldn’t get any reading done. But if he got his reading done then he wouldn’t have been with Russell for a whole week. 

Just a few hours. He had to be able to keep it to a few hours, a coffee and a bit of cuddle time. Not more. 

So for the next three days, Danny worked even harder than before. He felt he needed some sort of buffer, and he wanted to make sure that the time he spent studying was really worth it. Russell hadn’t liked the thought of spending so little time together, clearly so, and Danny wanted to be able to feel that his sacrifice wasn’t for nothing. So he kept hammering stuff into his brain until the letters before him refused to make sense anymore. 

He was at Godden Crescent at eleven a m Saturday morning, and Russell opened the door with a huge grin on his face. He immediately fell against Danny and closed both arms around him, and the warmth of his embrace made Danny forget his exams for a moment. 

“So, how’s it going?” Russell asked as they had sat down on the carpet next to his bed with their coffees.  
“Not much to tell,” Danny replied. “I’ve got my lectures and my books and papers, and that’s pretty much my life right now.”

Russell looked at him with a soft, almost sad smile. “I don’t suppose I could do anything, can I?”  
“I would have no idea what, honestly,” Danny replied. “Unless you want me to help with memorizing and quiz me about bones and muscles.”  
“Quiz you?”  
Danny shrugged. “The adult human body contains 206 bones. And I have to be able to name them all.”  
“Oh.” Russell blinked a few times. “And the same for muscles, I guess.”  
“There’s a lot more than that,” Danny replied with a crooked smile. “But don’t worry, I won’t go into detail or we’ll still be sitting here tomorrow morning.”

Russell chuckled and Danny’s crooked grin turned into a smile too. They finished their coffee in silence, a comfortable silence, and after Russell had put their cups onto the desk he asked Danny if he wanted a cuddle. Danny couldn’t think of anything he’d rather do, and he said so. They both were smiling as they got rid of jeans and T-shirts before settling down in Russell’s bed. 

It was so warm, and not because he had been cold before, just because Russell was so close to him. It was so comforting to have him curled up against his side, his arm around him, and Danny buried his fingers into Russell’s hair with a small sigh of contentment. 

Suddenly Russell nudged him gently in the ribs. He jerked into wakefulness.

“Hey. You’re falling asleep.”  
“Fuck.” Danny rubbed a hand across his eyes. “Sorry, didn’t mean to. It’s just so comfy here with you.”  
Russell chuckled and trailed his hand up and down Danny’s chest. “Should I think of something to keep you awake?”

Danny reached out and entwined his fingers with Russell’s. He really didn’t feel like any sort of sex, he didn’t even feel like kissing a lot. 

“Nah, it’s okay,” he said and turned his head to kiss Russell’s forehead. “I’ll manage.”  
“I guess you want to go soon anyway. Or rather, you have to.”  
“What time is it?”  
Russell sat up to look at his alarm clock. “Half past one.”  
“Shit...” Danny sat up as well. “I should, really.”

They looked at each other and sighed, then got out of bed. Suddenly Danny _was_ cold, even after dressing, and he didn’t stop freezing until he was home again. He curled up in his bed with a paper and eventually, managed to focus enough to read.

* * *

The next day, Danny left his room only to get coffee or use the bathroom. He didn’t even eat downstairs and just made himself a sandwich every two or three hours. His mother said nothing, but he knew she didn’t approve so he didn’t look at her. He did have dinner downstairs with his parents, however, because it would have been just plain rude otherwise. He had no reason to avoid them, after all. 

After dinner he thanked his mother for the meal and helped her clear the table and do the dishes, then immediately headed upstairs again with another coffee. He did manage to be in bed before midnight – barely so but still – so he wasn’t too knackered when he got up Monday morning. 

The next week was as unspectacular as the last one. He went to uni, and he read and took care of his papers, ignored by his fellow students who quite apparently had none of his performance issues. It was about four weeks until examinations proper, and even though the two papers he had handed in already had come back with grades of 100 and 98 respectively he had the feeling he had to work harder to keep his grades. So yes, he _did_ have performance issues. There was no reason why he should fuck up exams when his preparatory papers had been that good. 

But he had stuff to catch up on. The time during which he had spent all his time with Russell haunted him now, and even though the logical part of his brain told him that he had long since caught up on that, he still couldn’t stop feeling that he had to make up for the lost time. 

Emma had texted him that week too, asking him about the weekend and if everything had gone okay, but he hadn’t wanted to go into a deeper conversation with her and had just told her everything had been fine. 

He should have known that Emma wouldn’t be satisfied with that, and he couldn’t even really blame her. She had voiced her doubts about the whole thing, with the tying up if not the shrine itself, and Danny had needed to convince her that it was something he really wanted. Of course she would want to have some feedback now. She had told him in no uncertain terms that she was worried about him, in case this blew up into his face. So she deserved a bit more elaborate an answer than _Everything went fine_.

Apparently Emma was of the same opinion, because she intercepted Danny on his way from the library to his car Friday afternoon. 

“Hey sweetie!”  
“Hey Danny!” She smiled brightly. “I just thought we could have a coffee? Doesn’t have to be long, I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Then she frowned. “You are okay, aren’t you?”  
“Absolutely.”  
“Because you don’t look okay.”

Danny inhaled slowly and braced himself for a harangue regarding the necessity of sleep. 

“Danny?” Emma slipped her arm through his and her voice was softer now. “You look half dead, what the fuck is going on?”

He could see it in her eyes, a sudden fear and deep worry, and he realised she probably thought something was wrong between him and Russell. 

“Nothing,” he said quickly. “Nothing is going on. I’m just a bit stressed with uni and everything.”  
“Nothing? Don’t give me that,” Emma said and narrowed her eyes. “You look like you haven’t slept for a month, not just a bit stressed.”  
“Sweetie, come on, I...”  
“Danny...” She shook her head with an angry sigh. “I thought it was a bad idea,” she said more to herself, then she looked at Danny again and added: “Come on, Danny, you need to talk to me.”  
“Nothing went wrong with the scene and nothing is wrong between me and Russ,” Danny said as firmly and as calmly as he could.

Emma looked at him. Danny looked at her, and knew there was no escaping her. He sighed and shrugged, even though he felt there wasn’t really anything to talk about, and he and Emma headed across the car park. 

Apparently, Emma decided that they needed privacy for their talk and asked Danny to head for her place. Once there she made a coffee and a tea and sat down with Danny on her bed that she used as a sofa during daytime, covered with a throw and a dozen pillows. 

Danny took his cup and looked at her with a shrug and a shake of his head. “Really, sweetie, I have no idea what there is to talk about.”

Emma licked her lips and moved a bit closer. She was sitting cross-legged next to him and now turned around so she faced him. 

“Maybe you don’t,” Emma said slowly. “But you look like shit. Honestly, the last time I saw you look like this was during your break-up.”  
Danny shrugged again. “Exams just suck balls.”  
“Bullshit.” Emma narrowed her eyes again. “Exams always suck balls, but the last time you had exams you didn’t look like a zombie.”  
“I don’t look like a zombie,” Danny said. “I’m just...”  
“Sorry, when was the last time you looked into a mirror?”  
“This morning,” Danny replied sharply.

After looking at him for a long moment, Emma got up and walked towards the coat rack in the corner where she had hung up her bag. She dug into it and came back with her phone and something small, white and rectangular that she handed to Danny. It was a pocket mirror. Danny looked up at her with an angry snort.

“So,” Emma said and scrolled through pictures on her phone. “Just look at the man in the mirror.”  
“I can’t see anything wrong with my mascara,” Danny said. “Seriously Emma, why do you have to be so dramatic?”  
“I think you’d look smashing with guy-liner but that’s just me,” Emma said with a tiny grin and, ignoring Danny’s raspberry, held up her phone. “Anyway. This is you during last exams, when we were practising for the concert. You had exams, and we practiced with the band.”

Danny looked at the picture of him, Craig and Russell; they were laughing while they played. 

“Now look into the mirror again.”  
“Emma...” Danny rolled his eyes.  
“Look into the fucking mirror and tell me that you’re just stressed by exams.”

After a sigh, Danny looked into the mirror again. Yes, he did look tired. And then he looked again. 

He looked fifteen years older than the guy on Emma’s picture.

“Danny,” Emma said, her voice soft and gentle as she put her phone down and moved closer. She had seen the realisation in his face. “This isn’t just exams. What on earth is wrong?”

Danny snapped the mirror shut and put it onto the small table next to the bed. “I just... I need these grades,” he said, because it was the only thing he could think of. It sounded weak, even to his own ears.  
“Baby...” Emma shuffled closer with a sigh and took one of his hands. “You weren’t like this before that weekend there, and then something must have happened.”  
“It wasn’t... seriously, Emma, the weekend went absolutely fine.” Danny swallowed. “Okay, he was a bit angry when he thought we had done that for shits and giggles, but... it went... it was...” 

“Hey,” Emma said gently. “I don’t have to know the gory details. But the scene, that went like you wanted? The sacrifice-and-god bit?”  
Danny nodded and stared at his hands.  
“And then?”  
“Nothing then,” Danny said and looked up again. “We took a walk to the beach and had dinner, and the next morning Russ got a call from work, and that afternoon we had... more sex, and dinner and just... really, there was nothing wrong.”

Emma ran her thumb across the back of Danny’s hand.

“Russ and... me. I mean, we talked. About exams. And he said... I mean... he’s right you know...” Danny faltered and suddenly felt lost and trapped at the same time.  
“He said what? That you shouldn’t study so much?”  
“No!” Danny looked up at her again. “He said I didn’t need to because I’m good enough. And I know... I mean, I know I’m good, I got good grades, so we said I don’t need to read every waking minute and we can hang out more.”

“So, you hang out more.”  
“Uh... we... we stopped again because...”

There was a long, uncomfortable silence.

“You stopped because you kept hanging out with him but studied as much as you felt you had to anyway, and that’s why you look like shit right now because you don’t sleep.”  
Danny took a shaky breath.  
“Am I right?”  
“Yes.” It was little more than a whisper.

After another moment of silence Emma took a deep breath and leaned a little forward.

“Danny, you know I’m with Russ on this. You’re so good, you don’t really need to. But you feel you have to. Really, Danny, your grades are all above 95, why are you afraid of failing?”  
“I’m not afraid of failing! I just need good grades!”  
“You have good grades,” Emma replied. “And if you slept more and used the surplus energy you get with that to study for as much as you actually need you’d have the same grades. With reading so much and sleeping so little you get the same amount of learning done because it happens so much slower like this.”

Danny looked straight ahead at a large travel poster of Egypt in retro-style. “So I’m wasting my time right now?”  
“In a way,” Emma said cautiously. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t study. But if you sleep more you get more done in the time you study because you’re not brain-dead.”  
“I know that.”  
“I know that you technically know that.” Emma lifted her other hand and brushed a few strands of hair from Danny’s face. “But something makes you do it anyway.”

Danny could only shrug. Emma was prodding him where it hurt, but he had no idea what it was.

“Danny, baby.” Emma tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. “I get that you felt you had to sleep less so you could study more when you were hanging out more with Russell. But why are you still doing it?”  
“I need to catch up...” Danny said, but he sounded unconvincing.

Emma waited.

“I think...” Danny closed his eyes and sighed. “I’m having performance issues, right?”  
“You definitely do,” Emma said. “Are you trying to impress your dad?”  
“What?” He looked up at her with a shaky chuckle. “As if I could!”  
“Exactly. It’s not what he wanted you to do, right? So no matter how good you are, it will never be enough.”  
“I know. I’m still waiting for a single time in my life when he tells me: Well done.”

“Baby...” Emma combed her fingers through Danny’s hair for a bit. “Is that what it is? Your dad saying _well done_ to you?”  
“Anyone saying that,” Danny said before he could stop himself, but once out, the words seemed to stand there in front of him on the carpet sticking out their tongues at him. He dropped his face in his hands. “Christ, I’m so fucking pathetic...”

A few cars raced by outside and someone honked. In the distance the siren of a police car drifted out of earshot. The clock over the doorframe to the kitchen ticked. 

“Danny...” Emma sighed. “Oh Danny...”

Gritting his teeth, Danny had no idea what to say. 

“Danny,” Emma said again. “You know... I didn’t only talk to you today because of the weekend. Russell called me last night.” 

Danny looked up at her. 

“He told me that he was worried about you and why, and he said he was worried that if he brings it up then you’ll get worried you did something wrong. He said you looked like it when he told you that you shouldn’t hang out that much after all.” She sighed. “He said telling you that you’re awesome was never enough and that you never believe him. And he just can’t understand why.”

With a shrug, Danny dropped his head again. “I’m just...”  
“If you say pathetic I’ll smack you,” Emma said calmly. “Now, I’m not a shrink but I don’t need a psychology diploma to see where your performance issues come from.” She ran her fingers through Danny’s hair again. “You just couldn’t do anything right. You talked more than once about how your parents were never satisfied with anything you did. They just made you feel you’re not worth anything unless you do what they want.”  
“I sure as fuck stopped trying when I turned metal and stopped cutting my hair,” Danny said darkly.  
“Wrong,” Emma gave back. “You told yourself they can kiss your ass and you did your thing, but the subconscious mind is a fucking bitch and is never easy to shut up. You should know that from dealing with Russell.”  
“Don’t compare me with him,” Danny growled and jerked his head back away from her touch. “He’s had it a million times worse!”

“Yes and no.” Emma lowered her hand. “Yes, he got a ton of shit when he was small. But then his father brought him home to Auckland and from then on all he has ever known was support, love, attention and affection. Yes, his first five years left scars on him. But for you it was the other way round. You were the perfect little boy until you started to grow away from them and their expectations, and they withdrew all their love and affection and left you feeling as if you’re not worth anything as long as you don’t fill people’s expectations of you.”

Danny had crossed his arms, but now it looked more as if he was hugging himself. 

“Baby...” Emma sighed again and shook her head. “I know you’re not doing it consciously, but you’re still doing it. You’re trying to prove yourself worthy of love and affection. And then, on top of everything else, that shit with the plane crash happened and made everything worse.”

“Don’t see what one has to do with the other,” Danny said in a rough whisper.  
“There’s no causal relationship,” Emma said. “But the two exacerbate each other right now. Now not only do you feel you have to prove yourself worthy of affection and work like mad, you’re also overprotective and act like a mother hen...”  
“I am not...”  
“Maybe not, or not anymore,” Emma went on. “But you’re feeling it. You don’t want to study all the time so you can be with him, but when you don’t study you feel like shit because you feel you have to achieve the absolute maximum to deserve his affection.”  
“I don’t...” Danny began weakly.

“Not consciously.” Emma cautiously reached out again, and Danny let her take his hand. “But you’re still trying to be perfect. The perfect boyfriend, the perfect student. You’re running yourself absolutely ragged. You can’t be perfect, and you’re tearing yourself apart trying to be Russell’s perfect boyfriend and a perfect student and are forgetting one really important thing: That you’re still Danny Barnett.”

Danny snorted and lifted one eyebrow. So far, Emma had had a few good points and he had seen daylight a few times, but this... 

“Come on,” he said.   
“When was the last time you played drums?” She shot back.  
“...what?”  
“The last time you played,” Emma pushed. “Just played. You always play. To unwind, to clear your head, just for fun. So when...”  
Danny felt cornered all of a sudden. “I don’t have time for that nonsense right now!”  
“Nonsense?” Emma’s eyes widened. “Nonsense? Danny, she is your baby! The love of your life! Since when is playing the drums nonsense? Are you listening to yourself? Is that Danny Barnett saying that his drum kit is nonsense?”

Danny felt something cold creep up his spine and down again through his throat. It settled in his abdomen and got comfortable there, and he could only stare at Emma, helpless, confused and lost.

“Baby,” Emma whispered softly and leaned over to pull him into an embrace. Danny fell against her, his resistance and anger suddenly gone and replaced by a weariness he had never felt before. 

“Baby,” Emma whispered again and kissed the top of his head as she gently rocked him in her arms. “You can’t go on like this.”  
“I know,” Danny whispered into her shoulder. “But I can’t...”  
“Shhh. It’s okay.” Emma caressed his hair and nuzzled the top of his head. “It’s okay.”

Eventually Emma leaned back and took him by the shoulders. 

“Emma...” Danny could hardly recognise his own voice. “What...”  
“What you do now is take a few deep breaths,” Emma said and got up. “Then you have a coffee or two. And then you go to the studio and apologize to your baby.”  
“But I need...”  
“Yes, you need to talk to Russ, but now you gotta take care of yourself for a moment and I will do the talking.”

She rested both hands on his cheeks and kissed the tip of his nose, then hopped off the bed and headed into the kitchen to make coffee. Danny just remained there, his hands dangling down between his knees, and waited for his brain to stop spinning. 

He had three cups of coffee with Emma and he was still trying to convince himself that she was exaggerating things when he entered the studio. He closed the door behind him and saw a rather large spider scuttle up the wall and vanish into a crack in a corner of a windowsill as he walked towards the back of the room. 

He looked at his drum kit and then saw with a hot flash of bad conscience that the finger he drew across the crash cymbal left a clearly visible trace in the dust. Pressing his lips together he shrugged off his coat and reached for the drum sticks. 

It was a habit and he did it without thinking; just as always a thumb flip as he picked up his sticks. The most basic of tricks, one of those that he never thought about anymore. And then something happened that hadn’t happened in five years. 

The drumstick landed on the floor with the most mocking clatter he had ever heard. 

Danny stared at the other stick, the one he hadn’t flipped, and tried again. This time he managed, but he kept staring at the stick on the floor. 

Then he finally unfroze and picked it up, and with slow and heavy steps he walked back to his drum kit and sat down. 

He was surrounded by an uncomfortable, reproachful silence. 

In the end he sat there for more than ten minutes without moving until he finally got up again. He dropped the drum sticks next to the kit, grabbed his coat and left in what was almost a run.


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was long overdue but now his wounds can finally heal, and they will be able to move on, into the right direction.

“Okay, he’s not here either,” Emma said with a sigh as Russell locked the door of the studio again.   
“But he was here because the door wasn’t locked,” Russell replied. “So...” 

Russell took his phone again, but Danny still didn’t pick up. He really was worried by now but tried to remain calm. Danny hadn’t just vanished into thin air, and he sure as fuck wouldn’t jump from the nearest bridge. He had to be somewhere.

“I guess we have to wait for him to get in touch again,” Emma said, but she looked as worried as Russell felt. “Shit, I should never have let him go alone!”  
“It’ll be okay, sweetie,” Russell said. “He just needs to think and...” He blinked a few times and then a small, crooked smile appeared on his lips. “I think I know where he is. Or might be.”  
“You do?”  
“It’s just a guess. But if it was me and I had to think about all this, that’s where I would go.”

They headed back towards Emma’s car and left Auckland heading east. Eventually, in a small lay-by close to the coast, they found Danny’s car.

“Looks like you were right,” Emma said as she killed the engine. And now?”  
Russell licked his lips and pressed them together for a moment. “Not sure,” he said slowly. “But I gotta check on him.”  
“I’ll wait here.”

Russell leaned over and pecked a kiss onto her cheek before he left the car. Then he rolled his shoulders and headed towards the narrow path leading down the small, crescent-shaped beach that looked as if the sea had beaten out a chunk of the coastline.

He was sitting close to the water line, knees drawn up and arms slung around them. A few strands of his hair were blown around his face, but he didn’t seem to notice. Russell approached him cautiously and could see him hunch his shoulders when he heard the footsteps. 

After hesitating for a moment, he lowered himself down next to Danny and looked straight ahead as well. 

“Hey,” he said softly.  
“Hey,” Danny whispered back. 

“Do you...” Russell bit his lip. “Do you need to be alone?”  
Danny still stared straight ahead. “It’s okay.”

Russell nodded and took out his phone to send Emma a quick text that she could head home. Then he switched it off and slipped it into his pocket again. 

“Danny,” he said with a sigh after a moment.  
“Hm?”  
“I... I’m sorry.”  
“What for?”

Russell adjusted his position and turned around so he could look at him. Danny kept staring straight ahead.

“I should have seen what was going on. I... somehow I feel I should have known this would happen.”  
“What would?”

Despite having thought about this for so long his thoughts still weren’t quite sorted, and Russell was in the rare situation of knowing exactly what he wanted to say but having no idea how to say it.

“That... that you wouldn’t be able to let go that easily.”  
“Let go?” Danny’s voice was very low and a bit rough.  
“The... the studying bit. I thought with telling you to relax and that you don’t need to study that much I would be doing you a favour. But I...”  
“You would have, if I wasn’t such a...”  
“Danny,” Russell interrupted him gently. “Remember how it feels when I call myself pathetic?”

Danny froze. 

“So...” Russell combed a few of his curls back with his fingers. “So... yeah... I talked to Emma. Or rather, she talked to me. Mostly. And now I can’t help but... I’m sorry. I really should have seen this coming. I should have known it wouldn’t be that easy.”

Staring silently ahead, Danny shrugged hardly perceptibly. 

“I mean, me of all people...” Russell heaved a heavy sigh. “Of all people I should have known that you can’t just shrug these things off like that. Your issues go deeper than that. And... but... Danny...”  
“Russ,” Danny said in a low voice. “Nothing of this is your fault.”  
“Not my fault, no.” Russell sighed again. “But I made it worse. I know you have performance issues and just telling you that you don’t have to have them is... just stupid.”

Then Russell sat up on his knees so he could directly look at Danny. Danny turned his head and looked at him, but his face betrayed little else than how tired he was. It made Russell’s heart clench. 

“Danny,” he said softly. “I can’t tell you how much I hate the knowledge that you feel you’re not good enough for me. But I... I also know how hard it is to get over these things, those... ingrained beliefs that there’s something wrong with you. To me it just feels that I’m not worth anything and that I am unlovable. For you it’s the feeling that you’re not worth anything unless you prove yourself, that you have to... be worthy of love and affection. You feel you are lovable, or would be, if only you could reach that point. But the bar is set so impossibly high that you will never get there.”

Danny looked straight ahead again, but he was gritting his teeth so hard Russell could see the sinews in his neck taut against his skin.   
But now that he started, thinking, and subsequently talking, became easier.

“I don’t know how I can make you believe me, but I am not giving up until you finally do. And if I have to tell you this ten times each day for the next five years, then I’ll do it.” 

With that, he reached out and closed one hand around Danny’s shoulder.

“Danny, you’re an awesome and wonderful person. And now I’m quoting you: I can’t do any better, because I have exactly what I want. Danny Barnett, the man I fell in love with.”

He could see Danny swallow.

“Hey,” he whispered. “Look at me?”

Danny did so, but apparently with great effort.

“You are an awesome person, and a wonderful man,” Russell said again. “You are not perfect. Neither am I. No one is perfect. No one can be perfect, not you and not me. So please, stop trying. You’re tearing yourself apart and... please, Danny, please believe me. You already are all that I want and all I could wish for. You’re an awesome drummer, and there is no person in this world I would rather make music with. Always. Forever. It will always and ever be you. Auckland Festival or a pub in Wellington. If I don’t have you at my back, it’s not going to happen.”

He reached out and tucked a few loose strands of hair behind Danny’s ears. 

“You’re the best partner anyone could wish for. You’re strong, and supportive, and caring, and generous, and gorgeous, and sometimes I still can’t believe my luck... that you’re mine, and that you chose me and chose to spend the rest of your life with me. It humbles me, and it makes me happy, and it makes me feel so proud, and sometimes I just want to yell it from every rooftop: See, this is my boyfriend Danny Barnett, and he’s the most awesome man in the world!”

A corner of Danny’s mouth twitched and Russell smiled wistfully and traced the tip of his finger down Danny’s cheek in a gentle touch. 

“And you’re going to be the best paramedic St John’s has ever employed,” he said then. “Seriously, you work so hard, and you achieved so much.” He could see Danny’s eyes begin to mist over, and he rested his hand on Danny’s cheek and caressed his cheekbone with his thumb. “I’m sorry I never said this, I thought it was obvious. But Danny... honestly. I hope you believe me when I say that I mean ever single word of this. You are amazing. You worked so hard, and you achieved so much, and... I am proud of you. Danny, I am so proud of you. I should have said it long ago, and lots of times already, so I am saying it now, and I am saying it again. I’m proud of you, Danny.” He leaned forward and saw that Danny was trying to hold back his tears. “Well done.”

A single tear rolled down Danny’s cheek, and Russell brushed it away with his thumb. 

“I know I said you don’t have to work this hard, but I also know that you feel you do. But I want you to know that I will always have your back no matter what. But what I don’t want you to feel is that you have to impress me somehow, that you have to do this so you’re worthy of my affection. Do it for yourself, Danny, if you have to. We both know that your parents will never be able to really appreciate it. And you will never have to prove anything to me. There is only one thing that I need you to do.”

He cradled Danny’s face in both hands now and held his gaze.

“I need you to be yourself. The only thing I need of you is for you to be you. To be Danny Barnett. The man I fell in love with. It’s you and me, Danny. And it’s you and me because, not you and me despite.”

Danny blinked a few times and his eyes spilled over again. He still said nothing, and just looked at Russell through his tears.

“And... there’s one more thing.” Russell bit his lower lip and took a deep breath. “I know I never said it either, because I felt I never had to. It’s just words, after all. And sometimes words are important, and sometimes it’s the other things, those things that are more than words, that truly mean something. Small things, like bringing you a coffee to bed when you’re about to wake up. Big things, like when I told you I’d drop out of uni when we thought Sarah had been pregnant. So... I assumed you knew already, and maybe you do. You know... I am actually sure you do, but even if saying it won’t make much of a difference to me, maybe hearing it will to you.”

With that, he leaned a little closer yet, and caught Danny’s gaze again. 

“Danny,” he whispered and swallowed. “Danny, I love you.”

Danny stared at him now with parted lips, and for a moment, neither of them moved. Then Russell gently brought their foreheads together.

“I love you, Danny. I love you more than words can say. I love you, always, and forever.”  
“Russ...” It was a coarse, hardly audible whisper.

“It’s okay,” Russell whispered as well. “You don’t have to say it back. I just needed to say it. I just... I know it’s a bit scary to love someone this much. I never thought it was possible to miss someone this much. I thought about this in Norway. How there’s just this huge, painful hole in me when you’re not there. That’s why the break-up hurt so much... there was just a huge chunk of me that was gone. I’m not complete without you, Danny, and I never will be. The thought of living without you is just... unbearable.”

They were still leaning against each other, foreheads touching, with Russell’s hands cradling Danny’s face. He could feel a tiny shudder run through Danny’s body, and he gently ran his thumbs across Danny’s cheeks. 

“Oh god, Russ...” Danny said in a shaky, husky whisper. “It hurt so much... it was awful when you were in Norway but I knew you were coming back...” 

It was visibly a great effort for him to talk, and Russell remained still and silent, just trying to be strong enough for Danny to lean on him. 

“But back then...” Danny went on in a trembling voice. “Back then it hurt like hell because I thought I’d lost you... but it wasn’t... at least you were still there, and I knew that you would be happy again... but...” 

Russell could feel he was fighting it, and he realised at that moment that Danny had never talked about the plane crash to him. And probably not to anyone else, either. 

“But when...” Danny’s voice broke and it was so hoarse and grating now Russell could hardly recognise it. “It was... Christ, I hurt so much... I... I never thought I could hurt that much...” He bit back a sob and Russell now moved his hands back from Danny’s cheeks to the back of his head to gently bury his fingers into his hair. 

“It hurt so much,” Danny went on, in that coarse, unfamiliar voice that made Russell shudder. “It hurt so fucking much...” He swallowed another sob. “I... I never got it,” he went on. “I never got why anyone would think that... that ending it would be a good idea. You only have this one chance at life and... I never got why... But then...” His voice broke again and when he continued it was hardly audible anymore. “I finally understood. Why someone would do it. I wasn’t... I wasn’t thinking of killing myself but... that moment... I understood why someone would think it’s better to end it than to live with... that sort of pain...”

“Danny,” Russell whispered, desperately fighting his own tears. Because he could feel it; Danny was trembling now and he was about to break. So he braced himself because he had to be strong now, and he slung both arms around Danny’s shoulders and pulled him close. Danny felt against him with a helpless sob. 

And then suddenly he dug his fingers into Russell’s upper arms, and he started to shake, and he almost choked on his first sobs. Russell held on with all his strength. And then the dam finally broke. 

It broke all free at that moment, the horror, the terror, the pain, all those feelings he had been suppressing for so long now, and he just pressed his face against Russell’s shoulder and cried in desolate, desperate sobs that sounded so painful they broke Russell’s heart. 

He cried and cried and cried, and Russell held on with all his strength so he could finally let it go and get it all out. He couldn’t hold back a tear or two of his own but he gritted his teeth and held on. He had one hand buried in Danny’s hair and the other on his back, and now he pressed his cheek against Danny’s crown and closed his eyes as he gently rocked him back and forth.

“I got you,” he whispered. “I got you.”  
“God, Russ...” Danny suddenly choked out between his sobs. “I love you... I love you so much... please don’t leave me... please don’t ever leave me again... God, Russell I love you so much I don’t want to live without you...”  
“Never,” Russell whispered and kissed the top of his head. “It’s you and me, Danny. Always and forever.”

Eventually Danny was able to loosen his grip and calmed down enough to let go. He was still leaning against Russell, but his sobs began to ebb off. Russell still had his arms around him and caressed his hair, holding him until he could feel the muscles in Danny’s back begin to relax again. He still remained in Russell’s embrace for some more time while Russell kept running his hand down Danny’s back. 

It took Danny another long moment before he straightened up again, and at first he was unable to meet Russell’s eyes. He sniffed and blinked a few times, then began to rummage around in various pockets. Russell beat him to it and offered him a pack of tissues that he took with a nod, but he needed two of them until he had finally blown his nose and dried his eyes completely. 

“Sorry,” he whispered then.  
“What for?” Russell asked gently.  
“For...” Danny shrugged and crumpled the tissue in his hand. 

With a small, soft smile Russell reached out and picked a small piece of tissue lint out of Danny’s moustache that he flicked away. Then he brushed his thumb across the moustache to smoothen it. 

Their eyes met, and after a moment they leaned forward and embraced again. It was warm and firm but lacked all the desperation of before. And when they let go, Danny was able to smile again somewhat. 

“Better?” Russell asked him with a smile.  
Danny nodded. “Yes,” he said then, his voice still husky, and after another moment they got up, dusted the sand off their trousers and headed towards the road. 

Having reached the car Russell held out his hand and without hesitation Danny handed him the car keys. He dropped his head against the window as Russell started the engine, and neither of them said a word until they had reached Godden Crescent. 

“Your folks not at home?” Danny asked then as they entered.  
“No,” Russell said and closed the door. “Seona is at a huge, celebrity-riddled fund raising event in Christchurch and she took Dad along as her plus one. They’ll be back Monday morning.”

Danny nodded and looked around, looking somewhat lost, and Russell took his hand and led him upstairs. Danny didn’t resist when Russell started to undress him, and both of them headed into the bathroom for a shower. Russell set the water to a temperature that was far too hot for him, but he wanted to make sure Danny was comfortable. 

Afterwards he bundled Danny up in his bed and went to make coffee. Danny was half asleep when he came back, but he uncurled again when Russell slipped under the blanket beside him. They had their coffee in silence and snuggled up for a cuddle after that, only this time Russell made sure he was curled around Danny and not the other way round. Danny didn’t resist and just buried into Russell’s embrace, his face resting against Russell’s shoulder, and Russell threaded his fingers into Danny’s hair. 

It wasn’t much later that the change in Danny’s breathing told him that he had fallen asleep, and after nuzzling his forehead, Russell closed his eyes as well.


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is falling into place.

Russell didn’t really sleep; he dozed a bit while listening to Danny’s breathing, but he felt too restless to fall asleep himself. He left the bed little more than half an hour after Danny had fallen asleep and went downstairs to make dinner.

Since he had expected to spend the weekend more or less alone he hadn’t done any shopping, but he knew how much Danny loved egg sandwiches with bacon so he prepared those, slicing bread, whisking eggs and laying out the rashers of bacon. Then he went upstairs again to wake Danny up. He would definitely need more sleep to get over the last weeks, but he also needed food. 

Russell made Danny borrow one of his sweatpants so he would be more comfy than in his new leather trousers, then he fed him some egg sandwiches and a peanut slab. As he sat opposite him while they ate he could see that it was still visible in Danny’s eyes how much he had been crying earlier, and he didn’t quite look like himself yet. He seemed fragile somehow, and vulnerable, and Russell felt a fierce surge of protectiveness wash over him. 

Danny had been completely torn apart; he hadn’t just lowered his shields, they had been totally shattered. He would need a bit more time to build himself up again. 

Russell gently urged him to go to bed again after dinner, and Danny just nodded and they both headed upstairs to get ready for bed. They snuggled up under the blanket together and Russell curled around Danny again, who nuzzled his shoulder and ran a hand down Russell’s arm. 

“Please...” he whispered. “Russell, please make love to me.”  
“Danny...” Russell lifted his head to look at him.  
“Please, I want to feel you.”  
“Danny...” Russell said again, as gently as he could. “I... no. Not yet. Not when you’re like this. I want you to feel like yourself again first.”

Danny looked up at him, but after a moment, he nodded.

“Hey,” Russell said softly and kissed his forehead. “I’m here. It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay. I got you.”

Danny rested his head on Russell’s shoulder again and sighed. Russell closed both arms around him and nuzzled the top of his head, but Danny didn’t seem really disappointed. No, fucking him was the very last thing Russell wanted right now. What they needed now was closeness, not sex. 

He could feel Danny relax again, and not much later he was breathing slowly and deeply. Russell smiled and kissed his temple, and for a moment was grateful beyond measure that Helen had been able to already squeeze two appointments into her schedule for him the past week.

* * *

Russell woke up to nature’s call, and he crept out of the bed as cautiously as he could. Danny hummed and curled up again, and after adjusting the blanket around him Russell headed for the bathroom. 

Danny hadn’t woken up when he came back, and despite it only being ten minutes to nine, Russell grabbed his sweatpants and T-shirt and tip-toed outside again. He really wanted to crawl back into bed, but he didn’t want to wake Danny up. So he headed downstairs and because he was sure Danny wouldn’t wake for some time, he hopped into his car and made a quick tour to the store to buy stuff for a decent brunch. 

He left Danny a post-it on the coffeemaker for safety’s sake, but there was still no sign of life when he came back. So he filled the bread basket, laid the table, readied eggs, bacon and sausages and checked the clock again. Quarter to ten, and Danny was still asleep. 

He headed upstairs and cautiously opened the door to his room, to discover that Danny hadn’t moved an inch and was still in the exact position Russell had left him in. And since he really needed some sleep, Russell closed the door again and headed into the living room after making himself a coffee. He switched on the TV and found a documentary about the Serengeti, and sipping his coffee he made himself comfortable.

It was half past eleven when he could hear the bathroom door, and with a smile he got up and got the coffee maker started.

Danny rounded the corner somewhat later with a yawn. 

“Hey,” Russell said brightly and handed him a coffee.  
“Thanks,” Danny said. “Doesn’t happen often you’re up before me. How long have you been up?” He smiled at him, and Russell could see he looked a lot better.  
“Since ten to nine. I had to piss but didn’t want to wake you up so I didn’t go back to bed.” 

Taking a sip of coffee Danny looked at the oven, and his eyes almost popped out of his head when he saw the time. 

“Half past eleven?” He looked back at Russell. “Why the fuck didn’t you wake me up?”  
“I thought I’d better let you sleep.” Russell stepped closer and rested one hand on Danny’s shoulder. “If you just slept like the dead for more than twelve hours then you really needed it.”  
Danny took a sip of coffee and shrugged with a slightly crooked smile. “I guess so.”

Then Russell looked at him and Danny tilted his head with a questioning hum.

“You look tons better,” Russell said then.  
“I feel tons better,” Danny replied in a low voice. Then he suddenly couldn’t meet Russell’s eyes anymore.

“Hey,” Russell whispered and put down his cup. 

He took Danny’s too and put it down next to his own, stepped closer and slung both arms around Danny’s shoulders before gently bringing their foreheads together. 

“Hey,” he said again. “What happened yesterday is nothing to be ashamed of, okay?”  
Danny inhaled deeply and exhaled with puffed cheeks. “I know. It just...”  
“It’s okay to feel like shit,” Russell said softly. “I mean... I’m not happy you had such a meltdown, but I think it’s a good thing it happened.”  
“I... it didn’t...” Danny began, then his shoulders sagged. “Probably,” he said then. “I just... I bottle stuff in too much, right?”

Russell nodded and combed his fingers through Danny’s hair. 

“And now?” Danny looked at Russell again, a trace of fear in his eyes. “What am I going to do about this?”  
“Not sure,” Russell said cautiously. “What I am sure about is that it’s not over yet and that you shouldn’t pretend it doesn’t matter anymore.”  
“I...” Danny cleared his throat. “I wasn’t going to do that. But...”  
“We can talk about that with Helen.”  
“Your therapist?”

Russell nodded and stepped back, then he picked up the two cups and held Danny’s out to him. 

“I called her Monday morning and that afternoon she got back to me, and I explained all this... and she was able to squeeze two appointments in for me, Tuesday and Thursday too. And I got two again next week, Tuesday and Thursday afternoon, and she recommended you come along.”

Danny took a sip of his coffee and nodded. “I guess that’s a good idea,” he said somewhat hesitantly.  
“I’m sure it is.” Russell stepped closer again. “Danny?”  
With a shrug, Danny lowered his eyes into his cup.  
“Hey. Helen is a therapist and a counsellor. She’s not a shrink looking for a reason to put you in a straight jacket.”  
“I know.”  
“I know you know. Is that another bit of baggage?”  
Danny looked up with a puzzled frown. “What do you mean?”  
“In your family,” Russell said. “Psychologists and therapy are for people who are ready for the loony bin, right?”

Danny stared at him for a moment, then he rolled his eyes and shook his head with a soft groan. 

“I guess you can benefit from Helen as much as I do.”  
“I guess so, too,” Danny said heavily. “And I guess my parents should have done that too after... after Oliver. But the day my dad even speaks the word psychotherapy out loud is the day hell freezes over.”

They looked at each other and then simultaneously shrugged, which made them both smile crookedly at each other.

* * *

They took a walk to Mission Bay Beach after that, and bought coffee and doughnuts that they enjoyed sitting on a bench and looking out at Waiheke. On their way back they stopped at the store for some groceries and they made a nice dinner together. 

Unbeknownst to Danny, Russell had bought a bottle of massage oil as well, and when Danny entered Russell’s room after he had used the bathroom, Russell had switched off the lights and lit a few candles instead. He asked Danny to undress and undressed as well, and after Danny had gotten comfortable on the bed, Russell poured some of the herb-infused oil into his hands and ran them down Danny’s back. 

They were both naked, close and skin to skin, but even so there was nothing sexual about the way Russell touched him now. It was sensual and intimate, and while Russell touched almost every inch of Danny’s skin, neither of them was the slightest bit aroused. Danny was humming so deeply in his chest it was more of a purr, and Russell was smiling at the sounds. 

When Russell leaned back and lamented that his hands began to hurt, Danny slowly turned around and smiled at him, then he sat up and brushed Russell’s lips with his own in a tender kiss. 

“My turn,” he said softly and smiled at Russell under lowered eyelids. 

Russell smiled back and settled down on the mattress, and he shuddered in pleasure as Danny’s strong hands closed firmly and gently around his shoulders. 

Warm and relaxed they snuggled up together after blowing out the candles, and they both slept like the dead that night.

* * *

They equipped themselves with coffee after breakfast and had headed upstairs again, where they now listened to music while lounging on the bed, Russell sitting up against the headboard and Danny curled up next to him with his head in Russell’s lap. Russell was toying with strands of Danny’s hair and enjoyed Danny’s small sounds of pleasure.

At one point Russell’s eyes fell onto his alarm clock on the nightstand. “I guess you have to head home at one point in the very near future.”  
“Don’t want to,” Danny muttered without opening his eyes.  
“Not blaming you,” Russell replied with a smile.  
“I could stay here forever.”  
“Like this?” Russell combed his fingers through Danny’s hair.  
Danny hummed. “I don’t want to get up,” he said.  
“Then don’t. Yet.”  
“I have to,” Danny muttered. “Otherwise I’m going to piss your bed.”  
“I’d rather you didn’t.”

Danny said up, yawned and stretched, and looked at the alarm clock as well. “I can’t tell you how sick I am of anatomy right now,” he muttered and got up. He stretched again and left the room, and Russell got up as well. He had an idea.

When Danny left the bathroom Russell just closed the door to the home office, where the printer was located, with a few sheets of paper in his hand. He gave Danny a bright grin.

“I had an idea,” he said.  
“What kind of idea?”  
“You complained about anatomy and that you’d rather stay here,” Russell said. “And so I thought we could try this.”

Danny cocked one eyebrow as Russell sat down on the bed again and patted his thigh. “Just get comfy again.”  
“And now?” Danny looked at him questioningly after he had done so.  
“Now I help you study,” Russell said and took two of the sheets he had deposited on the nightstand. 

He handed Danny one and kept the other. On both sheets were two pictures of a human skeleton, front and back view, and in both the bones were numbered. Russell’s had also the names of the bones on it however, and now Russell cleared his throat and smiled at a very confused Danny.

“Okay. Which one is the... holy shit how do you even pronounce that... the infra...orbital foramen... Jesus Christ...”  
Danny chuckled and gave him a number, and Russell nodded with a grin.  
“Think this is going to work?” Russell asked.  
Looking up at him Danny’s smile widened. “Let’s find out.”

They were at it until dinnertime, but Danny left before that so he could go to bed early. So Russell might not be able to help him a lot to prepare for his exams, but Danny had told him he had made some progress in the two hours they had spent with the charts. 

Russell was proud of his idea and went looking for similar charts for muscles and nerves before going to bed.

* * *

When Russell left work Tuesday afternoon Danny was waiting there for him, and together they headed for Russell’s car to see Helen. 

She was a stocky woman with a bright smile, and once she had welcomed Danny with a firm, warm handshake she took them along out of her office and into another room next door. There was a sofa opposite of a comfy chair, with a table between them, there was also coffee and a plate full of cookies. Helen now sat down in the chair and Russ and Danny took the sofa. Danny was unwinding somewhat in the friendly, relaxed and informal atmosphere.

“Right,” Helen said after pouring coffee for all of them. “Danny, I assume Russell told you that we talked twice already.”  
“He did,” Danny said.  
“But I didn’t really go into any detail,” Russell added. “We had... lots of stuff on our minds.”  
Helen adjusted her glasses and nodded. “You mentioned Danny had a meltdown on Friday.”

Danny adjusted in his position, looking uncomfortable, and Russell proceeded to explain about Friday afternoon and the weekend.

“Okay,” Helen said and looked at Danny. “From what Russell told me, this was long overdue.”  
Danny shrugged.  
“Danny,” she said gently and leaned forward. “I know that it can be hard to talk to a stranger about intimate and personal things. But I’m here to help you, and you are here because you know that. And while I can’t just solve your problems for you, I can help you solve them yourself. But you have to let me.”

Now Danny nodded and took a deep breath. “I don’t... I don’t know where to start.”  
“We can start with Russell telling you what we talked about last time,” she said. “Let him break the ice, so to speak.”

Russell nodded and licked his lips, then he looked at Danny.

“Helen wasn’t happy I took so long to talk to her after what happened,” he said and shot Helen an apologetic look, but she just looked at him with a neutral to friendly expression. “But I’ve learned my lesson,” he went on. “I have to stop pretending I don’t need help. I mean... I have my coping techniques and tools, and I have to use them. I have to take responsibility for myself and have to stop relying on you twenty-four seven.”

“But I...” Danny began hesitantly. 

“Danny,” Helen said then. “We all know you want to support Russell and be there for him. And that’s a good thing. As a partner or spouse, you should support him and help him, but it can’t happen at the cost of yourself. Russell told me about your troubles, and we should look into that some more, but for now, you have to learn to step back as well. If you continue that way you will soon be completely drained and have nothing left to give when Russell really needs you the next time.”

Danny nodded, but he swallowed hard. 

“To help and to support is important,” Helen went on. “But you also have to take care of yourself, your own wants and needs and your life. You are your own person, not an appendix of your partner. Closeness and selflessness are important parts of a relationship, but you also have to remain separate persons for a healthy relationship. You can’t give yourself up for his sake, or you will soon be so drained and burned out that you’ll end up needing therapy yourself, and maybe even medication.”

Danny’s face lost all colour. If he had a mental health record his career as a paramedic would be over before it had even begun.

“Now, let’s not cry wolf,” Helen said gently. “What I just described is the absolute worst case scenario. And you have taken the first, most important step: You have accepted the fact you need help and came here before everything in your life turned pear-shaped.”

Then she took a sip of her coffee and smiled at both of them. “From what Russell told me you have a very strong bond, and a very solid and strong relationship. You will get through this together; you just have to let me nudge you into the right direction.” 

She winked at Danny who was able to relax a bit again.

“So,” she said to Danny. “Since Russell already told me about Norway and the plane crash, I would like to hear your side of the story.”

Danny exhaled with a heavy huff, but Russell took his hand in a firm grip and smiled at him. Danny was able to smile back, then he looked at Helen, cleared his throat and hesitantly began to talk.

* * *

During the following weeks up to June, Russell and Danny hardly saw each other, just as during prior examination periods. And even though Russell couldn’t help with more than taking charts and quizzing him, Danny assured him that it already helped a lot. 

Russ and Danny also saw Helen a few times more, although Danny didn’t breathe a word about that to his parents. They were already having a hard time with their son not being straight and in a same-sex relationship, and Danny was only half-joking when he said that they would probably disown him if they found out he was also attending counselling sessions.

Russell went to work and Danny went to uni and burrowed into his books, until finally on Friday afternoon of the second week in June, Russell left work to find Danny waiting for him with the hugest grin on his face Russell had ever seen.

Danny picked him up and spun him around like a child, and Russell’s yelp alerted Allan and Henry who couldn’t stop laughing when they saw that. They quickly retreated back into the shop when the two started kissing though, and once Danny had let Russell go again, the latter brushed his hair out of his face and stepped back with a breathless laugh.

“And what was that for?”  
“Exams over,” Danny said with a huge grin.  
Russell slung his arms around him with a grin of his own. “Finally.”  
“Fucking finally,” Danny said and heaved an incredibly heavy sigh. “The others are going out for a drink to celebrate, I wanted to ask if you want to come along?”  
“As your plus one, so to speak?”  
“So to speak.”  
“Lead the way!”

Since he had never been along to anything, none of Danny’s fellow students had met Russell before, but a few of the others had also taken partners along so it wasn’t a closed group with Russell the odd one out. They got thoroughly drunk, and while the main themes of conversation that evening were the exams, Russell also got to talk quite a lot about his job at Grant & Wilson and the band.

They took a taxi back to Godden Crescent that night, and Anders and Seona, who knew the reason for the celebration, stepped very gently around the two the next morning. 

After breakfast, and about a litre of coffee, the two retreated into Russell’s room again, but as Russell got comfortable on the bed Danny knelt down next to his backpack and began to rummage around in it. 

“Hey,” he said then as he took out a few sheets of paper that were stapled together. “Can I... can I show off a bit?”  
“Absolutely!” Russell sat up again with a bright smile.

Danny sat down next to him and showed him the papers. It was a list of his grades, both the exams he had just been through and the papers he had handed in. On the second page was a list all of his prior exams and papers and their grades.

Russell stared at the grades and shook his head. “Wow,” he said softly. “Ninety-five, ninety-eight, one hundred... one hundred!” He looked up at Danny with wide eyes. “Well done!”

Danny bit his lips and smiled, a bit self-consciously, but also a bit proud. 

“Wow, that is seriously...” Russell took a deep breath and put the paper down on the nightstand. “You’re amazing. I’m so proud of you.” He rested his hands on Danny’s shoulders. “So proud.”  
Danny stopped chewing his lips and looked at his hands for a moment. “Thanks.”  
“Okay, you need a serious reward,” Russell said and Danny looked up again.

Russell smiled at him and lowered his eyelids, then he climbed off the bed, opened the drawer of the nightstand and took something out. Then he knelt between Danny’s legs.

“What is that?” Danny asked, already breathing a bit faster.  
“I have no idea if it really works as well as it says on the label,” Russell said and looked at the small spray bottle in his hand. “But if it does, then it makes your dick taste of strawberry and lets me take you deeper in.”

With that opened his mouth and sprayed twice, then licked his lips. “The strawberry part isn’t bad,” he said and handed Danny the bottle.  
“Doc Johnson?” Danny chuckled breathlessly. “Are you fucking...” He faltered because Russell was already going down on his fly as fast as he could. “...serious...” He whispered as Russell freed his dick from his boxer shorts.

Danny lost his capacity to talk, and lost control over his vocal chords as well because the deep-throat spray worked unexpectedly well. Russell had always thought it a bit unfair that Danny was able to deep-throat and he couldn’t, and was now adamant to amend that, as it seemed.

It took quite some time until Danny was able to make words again after he and Russell had snuggled up on the bed.

“Wow,” he finally whispered. “Some reward...”  
“And you know what else,” Russell said smugly.  
“Hm?”  
“I went through TradeMe and found a few places that we can look at next week. Made appointments and everything.”

Danny opened his eyes again. “Seriously?”  
“Seriously.” Russell kissed the tip of his nose. “It’s about time.” Then he leaned over him, so close that his breath grazed Danny’s lips.  
“It is,” Danny whispered and closed his eyes as their lips met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that stuff Russell uses is [A Thing.](https://www.docjohnson.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/1/3/1360_18_bx_2.png)


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for staying with me during this crazy journey through my AU of my AU. As usual, unintended consequences remains the general theme, since this started as a side story collection Slices-of-Life style, and got totally out of hand. Again. Those two boys have taken over my life, and I’m not even complaining. 
> 
> My undying thanks to all of you, for your comments that cheered me up. 
> 
> Special thanks to drakkhammer and Khim and Islandkate for letting me bounce headcanons and ideas off them, and to Filikilithorinforever for being my patient and competent Kiwi-consultant.  
> And special-special thanks to eeftheotter for making so many amazing edits of my babies and spending so much time to make them more real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artwork commissioned with the amazing [asparklethatisblue](http://asparklethatisblue.tumblr.com/) on tumblr. Very much NSFW. Reader discretion is advised.

Russ and Danny looked at a few apartments during the next two weeks, and they also sat down together to look at their financial situation. After some serious thinking they eventually decided to open a joint bank account, since they would throw in together for good. For now it was Russell’s pay check and Danny’s student support that went into there, but at one point in the future Danny’s income would go there as well.

Russell still wasn’t sure what he would do, but for now he was happy with his job at Grant & Wilson. It wasn’t something he could imagine himself doing until he became a pensioner, but he knew he could work there for a few years yet. 

They also consulted Craig about which of their cars made more sense to keep, since two cars would be too big a strain on their finances. Craig asked them to come over and had a thorough look at the two cars, dived under the engine bonnets and shoved himself under them as well. 

“The way it looks right now you’ll pretty soon need another new exhaust pipe,” he said to Russell as he wiped his hand on a rag. “Danny’s car looks battered, but there’s no rust whatsoever under that one which is what matters most. Plus, it’s smaller and cheaper. If it was me, I’d get rid of the estate.” 

“Okay then,” Russell said to Craig with a smile. “It’s not as if I’m emotionally attached to that green monstrosity.”  
“Monstrosity?” Craig chuckled.  
“Yeah, that’s what my dad always calls it.”

Craig dropped the rag and shut his toolbox. “So, when are you moving in?”  
“The fifteenth,” Russell said and he and Danny exchanged a happy smile. 

“And I guess you need a few hands?”  
“Of course we do,” Danny replied. “But we were going to ask nicely.”  
Craig grinned at both of them. “No worries. Matt and I stand ready. It’s about time you two get together.”  
“Thanks, mate,” Danny said and slapped his back.  
“No worries,” Craig said as they headed back towards the house for a coffee. “Just give us a call.”

* * *

The fifteenth of July was a Friday, and Russell felt weird as he was finishing packing up. He wouldn’t spend another weekend in this house. 

He could clearly remember how it had felt fifteen years ago when he had moved in, and as much as he was looking forward to living together with Danny, he felt a bit reluctant for some reason to leave the house for good. 

With the last box packed up, he had a look around in his now strangely bare and barren room. The shelves were empty, the desk was cleared, the wardrobe was empty too and the walls looked kind of naked without the posters and pictures. 

“Well, so long, then,” he said to his room, and realised how his voice caught on these words.

There was no denying it; he would miss this place, at least for a while. 

He took a few deep breaths to get rid of the strange pull in his abdomen because he could hear someone come up the stairs.

“Hey!” Axl nudged him in the ribs. “You ready?”  
“Yep,” Russell said much more brightly than he felt. “That’s the last box.”

Axl smiled at him, then his smile vanished. “Hey,” he said and nudged Russell in the ribs again. “Gonna miss this place a bit, hm?”  
Russell nodded.  
“I know. It feels weird, moving out from home. But it’s gonna be great, you’ll see!”

After picking up the box Axl headed downstairs and Russell followed, forcing himself not to turn back and look into his room one last time. 

Axl had his company van and Mike was there with his pick-up, and Ty was there as well. Russell didn’t fail to notice that his father avoided looking at him as they left the house, and he fell into the passenger’s seat of Axl’s van with a sigh. 

The whole convoy of Johnson vehicles now got underway. Russell and Danny had been to IKEA earlier that week together with Mike and his pickup, and now they met with Danny and his father in front of the apartment building where they would move in on the third floor. Matt, Craig and Emma were also there, and with all those helping hands the van and the cars were quickly emptied, and everything was upstairs after less than two hours. They kept eyeing the dark, grey sky; it had been grey and drizzly for weeks and raining almost constantly for days now, but the weather was apparently feeling generous today.

The place wasn’t big of course, but it was comfortable enough for two people. Through a small corridor you entered a large room that had the kitchen and dining area on the left and far wall, and the living area on the right. The bedroom door was next to the living area and the bathroom was tiny, but functional.

The helpers spread out to distribute the furniture, some in the bedroom to assemble bed, wardrobe and a chest of drawers, and some in the living area to set up a few shelves there. One large shelf served as a room divider between dining and living area, and while Axl and Danny’s father began assembling the sofa, Ty started with mounting up the TV on the wall there.

Anders, Seona and Russell took care of the kitchen while Danny helped in the bedroom. Anders had insisted on buying proper equipment and utensils. While he could tolerate charity shop bought dinnerware and cutlery, he had bought pots and pans and oven dishes as well as a mixer, a blender, a microwave and, most important, a proper coffee maker. He wouldn’t hear anything of used or cheaper ‘beginner’ equipment. 

Shortly after they had started assembling the furniture Danny’s mother showed up with two large baking sheet sized cakes, and Anders happily gave the coffee maker a trial run. It worked satisfactorily, but after the break they got back to finishing the place. 

Dinner was pizza ordered home, and by that time Mike and Ty had finished assembling the dining furniture as well. 

“That wraps it up,” Mike said as he took a slice of pizza. “You do the rest yourself, I assume.”  
“The unpacking? Yes,” Danny said and looked around. “Just books and stuff, and clothes as well. We do that tomorrow.”

The Johnsons left after that, together with Danny’s parents who both hugged their son for a long moment. Anders and Seona stayed a bit longer after everyone else had left, but they too got ready to leave at quarter past nine.

“Right,” Anders said and smoothed down his tie. “Good first night then in your new domicile.”

He and Russell looked at each other for a moment and then suddenly they fell into each other’s embrace, holding on tightly. 

“This is ridiculous,” Anders muttered into Russell’s hair. “As if you’d moved to the other side of the world.”  
“It’s kind of…” Russell leaned back and let go very reluctantly. He hesitated and licked his lips, then pressed them tightly together. “Please don’t sell the house yet,” he blurted out and blushed.  
“I won’t,” Anders said and blinked a few times. “Not anytime soon. Promised.”  
Russell nodded and took a reluctant step back. “Okay…”

Anders then looked at Danny, who hadn’t displayed any trace of sentimentality when he had said goodbye to his parents. “You take good care of him.”  
“Always,” Danny replied and put an arm around Russell’s shoulders.

For a moment they all just stood there, and it was Seona who finally broke the silence. 

“Right,” she said firmly. “Time to go, Anders.”  
“Time to go,” Anders replied and managed a smile. “Good night. Come by for a coffee anytime.”  
“Tea’s at four, don’t bother knocking,” Seona added with a wink and now the other three were able to smile again.

They left then, and after Danny had closed the door behind them he looked at Russell, who stood in the middle of the room looking like a little boy lost in a supermarket.

“Hey,” he said and pulled him into an embrace. “It’s okay. That house meant a lot to you, and you and your dad are so close. It’s gonna be a bit hard at first.”  
“But I have you,” Russell muttered into his shoulder.  
“Yes, you have me.” Danny kissed the top of his head. “Always.”

Eventually Russell was able to let go and stepped back. He wiped a hand across his eyes, but he was able to smile. 

Knackered as they were they got ready for bed, and once they had settled down in the new bed in fresh sheets, they cuddled up and Danny nuzzled Russell’s hair with a chuckle.

“We should christen the bed,” he said.  
“We should,” Russell replied with a smile.

After a kiss they brought their foreheads together and fell asleep within a few heartbeats.

* * *

Danny was the first to wake up, and he sat up with a wry grin and looked down at Russell. 

“So much for christening the bed,” he muttered and got up, then walked in slalom past several boxes towards the kitchen. 

He made coffee and downed a glass of orange juice, then took the cups and carried them into the bedroom. Smiling, he sat down the cups on the nightstands and crawled back into bed. Russell was a small bundle of blanket with a few curls sticking out on the upper end. That man slept like a cocooning caterpillar if you let him. 

“Hey,” he whispered after leaning over him. “Wakey wakey.”  
Russell hummed and curled up more.  
“I got coffee.”

Russell hummed again and uncurled somewhat, but there still wasn’t much visible of his face.

Danny lifted both eyebrows, then his smile turned into a smirk. He leaned over Russell, very close, and brushed his goatee across Russell’s cheek and ear.

Russell pulled the blanket over his head. “Evil,” he muttered.

Danny cocked one eyebrow and tugged at a corner of the blanket. Russell held on tight. He then tried to roll him over, blanket and all, but Russell curled up into a ball again and clutched the blanket as tightly as he could. 

“Moron,” Danny said with a grin and he could hear Russell’s muffled chuckle. “Come on, you don’t even have to get up yet, I got the coffee right here!”  
“It’s in the middle of the night!”  
“It’s almost ten!”

Russell finally uncurled with a theatrical groan and stuck his head out of the blanket. 

“Coffee,” Danny said and turned onto his stomach. He grabbed his cup and smiled.

Russell sat up and yawned, and then looked at Danny properly for the first time since opening his eyes.

They had forgotten to draw the curtains the night before and now bright sunlight fell into the room, the first sunny day in almost two weeks. Danny looked at him with a smile, but raised his eyebrows questioningly as he saw Russell stare at him, blinking into the sunlight because Danny had the window behind him.

“Russ?”  
“Your...” Russell leaned forward. “Your... what did you do with your hair?”

Danny looked down into his coffee and cleared his throat. “You know...” he began hesitantly. “It’s because... because of two things, actually. It’s because of... you keep telling me there’s nothing wrong with me, and that I got no reason to hide anything, and I thought... I should try and start to believe it, really. And the other...” Now he looked up. “I felt that... that if we start something new together then... you just keep telling me that I should be me and this... well... uhm...”

Russell stared at Danny’s hair and reached out to pick up one strand. “Trying another type of henna?”  
“No,” Danny said and met Russell’s eyes, although he looked uncomfortable doing it. “I stopped.”  
“You...” Now Russell sifted a few strands through his fingers. “So that’s... that’s your natural hair?”  
Danny stared into his cup with an affirmative hum and hunched his shoulders. 

Russell leaned back again and looked at Danny’s hair that was gleaming in the sun. In this light it was no longer that perfect black that he was so accustomed to seeing, but rather a very, very dark brown that was almost black but not quite. Depending on the angle it looked either black or very dark brown, but when the light fell onto it the right way it was black with reflections of dark copper. Russell stared with his mouth half-open, and a small, somewhat self-conscious smile appeared on Danny’s lips.

Russell ran his fingers through Danny’s hair again. “It’s beautiful,” he breathed. “It’s... It’s beautiful...”  
Danny cleared his throat again. “Should’ve done it years ago, hm?”  
“You weren’t ready,” Russell said and tore his eyes away from Danny’s hair to look into his eyes. “Though I will never understand how you could think your hair is boring like this.”  
“It’s... I don’t... really know. I thought it should be black.”  
“It’s... god, it’s beautiful.” 

After a heavy sigh and with a lovesick smile on his face, Russell leaned forward so he could kiss Danny’s forehead. 

“All ebony, jet and copper. You’re beautiful.”  
“So are you,” Danny whispered. “Sapphires set in gold.”  
“Sounding like a poet now,” Russell said with a soft chuckle.  
“You’re beginning to rub off on me,” Danny replied with a smile and threaded his fingers into Russell’s hair. 

They shared a warm and tender kiss and as they parted their eyes locked for a long moment. They kissed again, and after breaking the kiss Russell sighed and stretched out on the mattress. 

“My beautiful man,” he whispered.  
Danny smiled crookedly and shook his head, then pointed at Russell’s cup of coffee. “Your coffee is getting cold.”  
“Beautiful and caring.” Russell sighed again and reached for his cup while Danny chuckled.

“Thanks...” he said and inhaled the steam. “Bless you, Dad.”  
“For the coffee maker?”  
Russell nodded. “Life is too short for bad coffee.”

They had their coffee in silence and curled up for another cuddle afterwards. Russell ran his finger across Danny’s cheek and chin and then across his lips, and Danny smiled and kissed Russell’s fingertips. They shared a smile and brought their faces together for a kiss, and buried their hands into each other’s hair as their kiss turned from soft to passionate. 

Danny rolled on top of Russell with a soft moan and Russell broke the kiss with a gasp as their groins touched. Danny dug both hands into Russell’s hair again and bent his head to one side, then trailed a few kisses down the sensitive skin on the side of his neck. Russell inhaled sharply and shuddered when Danny brushed the goatee down his neck as well. 

“You have a beard fetish,” Danny said with a wry grin.  
Russell opened his eyes. “Yes, but only yours,” he replied and lowered his eyelids. “Are we christening the bed now after all?”

Danny ground their groins together with a smirk and Russell closed his eyes with a deep hum. 

“Fuck, I just can’t make up my mind…” he muttered.  
“About?”  
“I want to blow you, but I kind of want you to blow me, and…”

Danny kissed him while running his hands down Russell’s sides, and when he found his hands he entwined their fingers and brought the hands up, so they were resting on either side of Russell’s head. With his smile darkening into the smirk that always made Russell squirm he then pushed Russell’s T-shirt up and placed a few kisses down his chest.

Russell pushed him off and sat up, then impatiently got rid of his T-shirt. Danny followed his example and as soon as they were both bare-chested they threw their arms around each other again for a hungry, open-mouthed kiss.

Their hands were roaming each other’s bodies, and Russell arched his back with an impatient groan as Danny slipped his hand into his briefs. He pushed Danny off again and combed his hair back with his fingers, breathing heavily, and looked at Danny with a heaving chest.

“I want to blow you,” he said, his voice husky with arousal.  
“Want to blow you too,” Danny said and lowered his eyelids.

They looked at each other for a moment longer before they had their arms around each other again, and they kissed for a while, hungry and messy and wild, while their hands were trying to touch the other everywhere at once.

Eventually they broke the kiss again and both impatiently got rid of their underwear, and after a few more kisses Russell bent over Danny’s lap and dropped a kiss onto the tip of his dick.

“In a moment,” he said to Danny’s dick and got up, and hastily vanished into the bathroom. 

Danny watched him go and adjusted his balls with a puzzled frown, but Russell came back only a moment later with the little bottle of strawberry flavoured magic spray. He opened his mouth and sprayed two times, then he lasciviously licked his lips. 

“I’m good to go,” he said and gave Danny an almost feral grin. 

Danny shook his head with an affectionate smile, and after Russell had settled down on the bed again they kissed some more.

“Nice strawberry flavour,” Danny remarked with a smirk as he leaned back.  
Russell nodded and now lowered himself down on one elbow. 

Danny was still kneeling and he took his time; he ran his hands down Russell’s body a few times until the latter began to squirm again. Then he gave Russell another smirk, one of the darkest sort, and when Russell swallowed hard he lowered himself down as well, onto his side and facing Russell, just with his feet pointing towards the other end of the bed. 

Danny shuffled a bit forward and Russell did so as well, and they both looked greedily at the hard erection directly in front of their faces. 

Russell gently closed one hand around Danny’s balls and dug the fingers of the other into Danny’s thigh, and he moaned when Danny tugged one of his legs in to caress the crease between his buttocks. Danny closed the other hand around Russell’s dick and gave the tip a lick, and Russell swallowed Danny’s cock as down as deeply he could. Now Danny moaned as well and sucked the tip of Russell’s cock between his lips, and when Russell’s hips bucked, he swallowed him down as well.

For a moment both their moans were muffled by the hard flesh between their lips, then Russell broke free with a gasp and swirled his tongue around the tip of Danny’s dick. Danny let go with a low moan, then licked a few times up the whole length of Russell’s dick before sucking the tip into his mouth again. 

They both abandoned themselves in sensation, giving and receiving in equal measure, hands roaming and caressing everywhere they could reach, feeling the other’s hot mouth while caressing the other’s dick in their own.

Their moans became louder and harder too as they worked each other up faster and faster, and they reached their point of no return almost simultaneously. Russell thrust into Danny’s mouth and managed to brush his perineum across the tongue stud, and that did it for him. He thrust his hips again but also sucked at Danny’s cock in wild abandon, and Danny lost it at that moment while he was still swallowing Russell’s load. 

They both let their heads drop back some moments later, shuddering under a few last affectionate soft touches of lips and tongues, both of them completely drained, heavy and warm. 

It took them a while before they were able to move, and Danny needed some force to make himself turn around so he could crawl to Russell’s side again. 

They somehow managed to get under the blanket together, and once they were finally snuggled up they exchanged a few more kisses, soft and gentle ones this time. 

“I guess the bed is properly christened now,” Russell said after he had bedded his head on Danny’s shoulder.  
Danny hummed thoughtfully as he buried his fingers into Russell’s curls. “You sure about that?”  
Russell chuckled. “If we need another round I need a break first, and another coffee.”  
“Definitely.”

For a while they just lay there, Danny on his back and Russell against his side, with Russell’s head on Danny’s shoulder. His hand was idly roaming Danny’s chest while Danny’s fingers toyed with Russell’s curls. 

“Hey,” Danny whispered then.  
“Hmm?”  
“It’s not so bad, right?”  
“What is?”  
“Not living in Godden Crescent anymore.”

Russell sighed heavily, but he was smiling. “It’s going to be great. I have been looking forward to this for so long…”  
“Yeah, me too,” Danny said softly and nuzzled Russell’s forehead. “Though it still feels… weird, somehow.”  
“How so?”  
“I can’t say,” Danny said after a moment. “Just… I guess it’s just because everything’s so new.”

Russell snuggled closer. “A totally new start.”  
“A new life?”

Smiling, Russell shuffled back a bit so he could look at Danny, and Danny turned onto his side.

“A new beginning,” Danny said. “Of a new life, yes.”  
“With you.”  
“With you.” Danny caressed Russell’s cheek.  
“Like…” Russell reached out and wound a strand of Danny’s hair around his fingers. “Today is the first day of the rest of your life?”  
Danny nodded and leaned forward. “And I’m looking forward to spending it with you,” he whispered. 

They closed their eyes, and their lips met in a soft, affectionate kiss.

* * *

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued...


End file.
